Disclaimer: I'm just a geeky fangirl that likes to play around; I own nothing.
The Long Way Home: Chapter 16
The first thing Ueno noticed as he cracked open an eye was the throbbing sensation that dominated multiple locations on his body.
His legs were sore, but not unbearably so. The skin on his back and shoulders smarted, and as he attempted to raise his upper body from the bed, the friction his chest created against the sheets made him hiss quietly.
He was only slightly nauseous, but his head pounded horribly. His mouth dry, he yearned for even just a sip of water. Further stock of his body indicated a very numb rear end, which he couldn't readily explain. His fingers were sticky, and his body felt covered in some sort of sheen he couldn't identify. His tongue felt swollen, and running it over his lips produced a tang that he suspected was chocolate. A sickly sweet smell invaded his nostrils when he sniffed experimentally.
The weight holding his body down was centered on his rear end, and was quite possibly the reason for the numbing sensation. He lifted his upper body again, his weight braced on his forearms, and craned his neck to assess the situation behind him.
Ueno relaxed. Oh. Aki.
He couldn't see Aki's face, but he was able to see his boyfriend's mop of brown hair.
Brown… Brown?
Perhaps Ueno was still suffering the effects, but he closed his eyes, paused, and then reopened them, taking another good look.
Oh, yeah. It was Aki, and his hair definitely had a brown tinge to it, with no normal impeccable style that he had grown to expect. Of course, Aki was a human being who suffered from bed hair just like anyone else and didn't just wake up looking centerfold ready, but this was weird.
Ueno turned away. He'd worry about that in a few minutes. There were more pressing matters, like taking a leak and getting some non-alcoholic liquid into his system.
He was considering what to do first when Aki shifted, lifting his head from Ueno's rear. His planning was derailed as rhythmic pounding took place and he stiffened, arching his back and gritting his teeth.
Aki's restless pillow punching was amusing to Ueno, but only when the punching was performed on a real pillow, not the already sensitive cheeks of his ass. Ueno squirmed, easing his body out from under Aki and crawling to the foot of the bed. No matter how many times he tried to adjust the firmness of his pillow, Ueno didn't expect his ass to soften to Aki's comfort level.
From his safe vantage point, he stared blearily as his boyfriend, midsection wrapped in a blanket, curled back into his fetal position, slender brown feet pressed against the headboard. It was a ridiculous sight, and if Ueno hadn't been so sleepy and irritable, he would have thought it adorable.
Brown…
Ueno cautiously crawled closer, reaching out and resting a hand on Aki's head. His hair was extremely stiff, and arranged in a haphazard sort of mohawk. In lieu of clear hair product, the style appeared to be held in place by some sort of brown gel or grease, which was also smeared on his cheeks and stained his lips.
A glance at the clock told him it was only ten, but he had to get home by early afternoon. It was an odd weekend, and that meant he was due a visit from his family.
He inched closer, and without consideration to the fact that Aki was still sound asleep, grabbed one of the other man's heels and lifted his foot for closer examination. It was sticky, and Ueno leaned in, not questioning the absurdity of sniffing his boyfriend's feet. He pressed his nose into the soft skin of his delicate arch, and allowed himself a deep whiff. There was that sweet smell again.
He battled the urge to lick, as he was sure that he had identified the brown stuff in Aki's hair and covering his skin. In considering his action, he was struck with the knowledge that he wasn't able to differentiate between memory and possible desire. No matter what, it was odd, because he'd never actually done it before, or experienced an urge to lick someone's foot in the past. He was sure of that.
Aki didn't move, and Ueno carefully lowered the foot. He slowly eased out of bed, the need to empty his bladder becoming urgent. After taking care of that issue, he hobbled into the kitchen, where he proceeded to empty an entire bottle of refrigerated water in a few desperate gulps.
He hadn't checked out his own appearance while in the bathroom; he had been too afraid to look. Ueno couldn't remember experiencing so many aches and pains at one specific time, so he was reluctant to discover whether or not he had been as disheveled as Aki was, and if the reasons for his pains were visibly evident.
Ueno remembered their time together before he'd passed out from exhaustion, at least most of it. He was aware that there were still some memories that were fuzzy, but that was typical when Ueno drank. The images he'd lost would reveal themselves in time, but at this point, he did recall the sound of Aki actually laughing softly while Ueno ran his chocolate smeared fingers through the other man's hair.
So he was the stylist responsible for the creation of Aki's chocolate mohawk. Ueno swallowed. He remembered the flogger, and everything he'd found in that box, including those God-awful nipple clamps, how Aki had gently stopped him when he'd attempted to learn to use them- at first.
That explained some of his aches. As he stood, putting together the pieces, his cheeks began to overheat.
So Ueno remained in the tiny kitchen, torn. What should he do first? Should he wake up Aki and get them both cleaned up? Should he just run home? Was he supposed to apologize? No, if Aki had disapproved, he would have stopped him before things had gotten too crazy- and wouldn't have reciprocated.
Or so he hoped. Aki had been drinking as well.
He reentered the bedroom slowly- that was all he could manage anyway. Approaching the bed, Ueno sat on the edge, lost in thought. He didn't want to wake Aki, but he was positive Aki would be put out if Ueno simply left without telling him. That was a problem, as Ueno had never woken up a significant other after a night like the previous one. What was he supposed to say?
"Morning." Aki's voice was thick.
Apparently, Good Morning would do the trick. Ueno returned the greeting, waiting for Aki to get his bearings, which always took a few minutes. He turned around while Aki slowly sat up, watching as the lighter haired man looked around in bewilderment. Aki's confusion soon gave way to amusement, and to Ueno's surprise, he smiled contentedly.
The soft sheets were stained, and would need to be washed immediately, as well as every pillowcase, the comforter, and the two men themselves. Luckily, there didn't appear to be any damage elsewhere. However, Ueno was going to have to do some planning to get the bedding cleaned without arousing suspicion. Housekeeping was not an option, so he was going to have to go down to the first floor and obtain replacements, and then wash the soiled bedding himself.
"You're up early." Aki loved his sleep. Ueno knew neither of them had slept more than a few hours, so for Aki to wake up naturally after such a late, eventful night was out of the ordinary.
"I'm sticky.." Aki's raspy morning voice was still low.
Ueno rose to his feet, and grabbed the first pillow, pulling it out of the case and tossing the linen to the floor before reaching for the next. "I'll start taking care of this stuff if you want to get cleaned up."
Aki pointed. "You're in bad shape yourself. I'll take care of my bed."
"It'll look funny if you take this stuff downstairs to be washed. I'll do it now, and hopefully no one will be there to notice."
"I wasn't going to take them downstairs. I was going to let housekeeping take care of it, actually." Aki examined a chocolate smeared arm.
"You can't do that." Ueno waited for Aki to climb out of bed, then tugged the comforter down and let it fall to the floor. "They'll wonder what the hell went on in here."
Aki let out a sigh as he stretched, raising his arms above his head. "It's not my concern what they think. You shouldn't worry about it either."
Ueno silently continued gathering up the bed linen, his movements rushed and jerky.
"Ueno?" Aki walked the perimeter of the bed until he reached the other side, pulling at the sheet Ueno clutched in his fingers. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." Ueno's reply was quiet and gentle, but it didn't sound sincere.
Aki took the sheet from him, tossing it to the floor. "But you look upset."
"I don't feel so great, that's all." Ueno was telling the truth about not feeling well. In fact, it was quite the understatement. The tiny aches were irritating, and the larger aches and hangover were distressing. He wanted to crawl under the blankets and sleep for the next year, but he also was unsure of how he was supposed to be feeling at this point as far as emotions were concerned.
"I'm sure you don't." Aki reached upward, stroking his cheek. Ueno stiffened at the contact. "You've got to be hurting quite a bit. Go take a shower. I'll take care of things in here. You'll feel a little better after you get all of that stuff off of you."
"It's okay. I'll help you clean up here, and then I've got to run. I'll take one at home."
Aki wasn't hung over, but he thought he just might be sick anyway. "You're leaving?" Ueno was allowed to have a life outside of this one. Aki was aware of that, but his chest still ached.
"Yeah. It's unspoken, but every odd Saturday, my mom comes by like she did that time you came over."
Aki relaxed marginally, although he wasn't sure why he'd been so on edge in the first place. "Oh. Don't worry about the room. Like I said, I'll take care of it. Still, have you looked at yourself in a mirror? I don't think you should walk home like that."
Ueno shook his head. "It's fine. I'll just cover up."
Aki didn't ask Ueno any further questions. He included Ueno in everything he did, and it hadn't even been a conscious effort; it was just the way things had become, and it was something he hadn't noticed or minded. Ueno had now met a nice chunk of Aki's family, they slept side by side nearly every night, and when they weren't together, they were in communication.
Then again, maybe Aki had the wool pulled over his eyes. This morning, Ueno was obviously distressed, regardless of how he tried to mask it. He was leaving for the day, and giving no reassurance that Aki would see him over the course of the weekend, nor did he appear to be interested in inviting Aki along with him.
"Okay. I'll see you."
Ueno frowned. "I wasn't going to leave right this minute. I should help you clean up."
"Just go. Thank you for everything." Aki turned, grabbing a towel before entering the bathroom and shutting the door without any further dialogue.
Stupefied, Ueno stood in place, staring at the closed door. He'd just done something wrong. That much was very clear, but he wasn't sure exactly what it was.
Frustration reigned as he gathered up his things and exited the apartment. He knew, deep down, that leaving immediately wasn't a smart move, but he was due home soon, and didn't feel comfortable staying.
Back and forth. Uncertainty and then comfort, an argument followed by reconciliation, only to be followed by more uncertainty. Was it his entire fault? And if it was caused by both of them, when was this crap going to end?
After another drink of water, Ueno entered his own bathroom. It was comforting, being in his apartment again. He stopped by often, between work and school, but rarely stayed. His stops had purpose, such as to grab a change of clothes, clean, or take care of some other business.
He didn't like Aki's place better than his; he just liked being with Aki. It had become routine to see him at least once a day, even if it was just at school. But it was a given that Ueno stayed over, so that had quickly become the norm. It was weird being at home; even though the morning had been uncomfortable, but he should have asked Aki to tag along.
"Oh, shit. I didn't ask him to come with me." Ueno wondered if that was the reason for Aki's mood swing that morning.
Staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror after he removed his hooded sweatshirt, Ueno was aghast. So that's what Aki had meant when he advised Ueno against going out in public.
After he finished undressing, he realized he was just as coated in sticky stuff as Aki was, although his skin was definitely lighter, and had a glittery, golden sort of sheen to it. It covered his chest, both of his calves, one thigh, his shoulders, back, and arms. Some stickiness was even dried behind one of his ears. He'd remained in the pants he'd slept in, which were stuck to his legs in certain spots and merely shrugged back into his t-shirt and throwing on a sweatshirt before leaving. He hadn't noticed the result of their night then.
The shower didn't, in fact, improve his condition or state of mind at all. At this point, he wasn't sure if the headache that had become very, very serious was a result of fatigue, frustration, or his hangover. He still hurt, and he suspected the only remedy to all of his woes was some long deserved rest, but he wasn't even allowed that luxury. He'd have to deal with his mother and perhaps more company for a large portion of the day and after they left, he'd have cleaning to do, not to mention the small mountain of homework that had piled up over the previous week.
And if that wasn't enough, there was Aki to worry about.
I ran like a baby, and I didn't even help clean the apartment. Does Aki even know how to clean up after himself?
Aki must know; Ueno had just never seen him actually clean anything. Ueno shook his head as he stepped out of the shower, toweling himself off quickly before wrapping the terry cloth around his waist. From his bedroom, he heard a key turning in the lock, and knew his family had arrived. His mother never knocked; they helped cover his living expenses, and their names were on the lease along with his, so they had their own set of keys.
He'd wanted to call Aki as soon as possible, but it appeared that damage control would have to wait until his visit was over.
And a lengthy, painful visit it had been. Luckily, his mother came alone this time, so Ueno didn't have to entertain. He was normally grateful that his mother always brought groceries, cooked him dinner, packed food for him to eat later, and did his laundry. He liked spending time with his family, but the time it took had Ueno ready to climb the walls this time.
He was a good son, however, and managed to answer all of his mother's questions adequately, including where that cute little friend of his was. Ueno promised to have Aki over the next time she visited, reminded anew of the fact that he should have asked Aki over in the first place.
He hadn't meant to leave Aki out; he simply had been too consumed in his unease and his haste to leave that he hadn't thought to invite him. In hindsight, such a small oversight seemed pretty major, and he felt a pang of guilt each time he thought of it.
He wasn't sure if Aki had noticed and was offended by his rudeness or not, but with every passing hour since he had been home, he'd grown more and more distressed, and felt that with each of those hours that ticked by, the distance between them would grow. He needed to talk to him, for his own peace of mind if nothing else.
First, since he now had some food in his stomach, he downed a glass of water with a few aspirin in an attempt to kill the headache that had been at the forefront the entire afternoon before grabbing his phone and reclining on his old couch.
Text messages were the most convenient and well used method of communication between Aki and himself, but Aki deserved a phone call.
Ueno waited through four rings before he was able to hear Aki's quiet, low voice. "Hi."
There was a pause before Aki answered. "Hello. How was your day off?"
Ueno had a feeling that question, outwardly spoken innocently enough, held a tinge of sarcasm. Day off from work, class, or Aki?
"Uh.. Fine. Are you okay, though? You seemed upset when I left."
"I'm fine. I just- forget it. I'll see you on Monday, I suppose."
Uh oh. Ueno was truly alarmed now. "No. Don't hang up. What is it?"
"Are you angry about last night?"
"Which part?" Ueno wasn't trying to sarcastic; so much happened that he needed Aki to clarify. "The party? Mira? The argument? And what did I do to make you think I was angry?"
"No. Afterward. I guess you could call it this morning, not last night." Aki's voice had turned cautious, and quieted so much Ueno had to strain to hear. "You just seemed strange this morning."
Ueno chewed his lower lip. "I'm not angry. I'm just kind of confused." He was fighting to put his thoughts into words.
"Confused as to what happened, or confused about how you feel in regards to what happened?"
Ueno clamored for the proper response, unable to formulate a response in a timely manner, which Aki clearly took as a negative. His voice was scary, because he didn't sound angry; his tone was resigned. "Now I understand why you were in such a hurry, at least. Why did you call?"
"Huh? I'm not allowed to call you now?" Ueno was truly confused. "What's wrong?"
As Ueno had learned the night before, when Aki was upset, he failed to listen to any reasoning or follow a logical train of thought. He simply continued along his own thought process, failing to heed any protests. "I'll be sure next time you make a drunken advance to say no, and I'll file last night under a things Ueno will be ashamed of in the morning category."
"I never said I was ashamed." Ueno rubbed at his temple with his free hand.
"I have to go."
Click
Ueno had done something else wrong, but also had no idea what.
Aki had always seemed to be so level headed, at least at first. However, in less than twenty four hours, Ueno had learned that once again, Aki was human, and subject to the same bouts of irrationality as the next man. He was not the constant epitome of sweetness and tranquility that Ueno had once thought. Twice in less than a day, he'd been on the receiving end of it. He jumped to conclusions quickly, and was reluctant to listen to reason.
Ueno himself was unsure of why he'd felt the need to leave so quickly, but taking stock of his warring emotions, he was ready to guarantee that regret wasn't the reason. And until he figured out what it was, he was better off leaving Aki alone. He'd made that phone call woefully unprepared, and being hung up on was the result.
Ueno tossed his phone on one of the couch cushions and stood. There was no way in hell he was going to try and call back. He wanted to, but he still had no explanation. He'd give the situation some more thought while he took care of his business at home.
Unfortunately, cleaning only took an hour or so, and all too soon he had completed the folding and storing of his laundry, vacuuming and sweeping, sorting through his mail, and the organization of all of the homework he had to complete before Monday. He was sleepy, sore and out of sorts. But duty called, and he had things to accomplish before the weekend drew to a close no matter how much he wished otherwise.
He did well, plugging away doggedly at his assignments, startled when the setting sun plunged his apartment in semi-darkness. Even then, he simply turned on his lights and continued, the distraction welcome. Homework was easy enough to tackle compared to his love life.
When he finished for the night, standing up in order to stretch and check the time, he was startled to discover that he'd been working steadily all evening and most of the night. He'd wasted the whole day, but he'd accomplished everything that was necessary. The fact that he'd cleaned his place and knocked out all of his homework left him in a better frame of mind than before, since it meant that he would be free all Sunday.
Free to do what, though? Ueno hoped it would mean rest, but he wasn't going to be able to relax until he talked to Aki again.
It couldn't be that hard to make Aki listen to him. He just needed to sit the other man down and make him shut up, right? The problem was, Ueno had no idea what he wanted to tell him and that being said, it was quite possible that while Aki was sitting quietly, having been properly and effectively shut up, that Ueno would continue swallowing his own foot. That might be even more damaging than letting the situation cool.
He wasn't going to be able to stay home, sleep, or experience any kind of peace as long as he worried, however. Maybe if he simply asked Aki what the problem was, he'd tell him. Probably not, but Ueno was willing to try. He decided not to call ahead and ask Aki if he was actually home, not after their previous conversation. He'd stop by, and if Aki wasn't there, he'd wait inside for him. It was a little brash on Ueno's part, but hey, Aki had given him a key and he didn't have a Plan B.
So he threw on a hooded sweatshirt before leaving his apartment, embarking on a trek that he had learned to walk with his eyes closed for the second time that day. He ignored the urge that advised him to take his weary body to bed and recover from the previous week.
Walking mindlessly, Ueno started out by asking himself exactly why he'd been on edge that morning- again. How had he felt when he'd woken up and started to realize what had occurred?
I felt kind of stupid. That was an understatement. He was sure that he didn't remember everything that had taken place. There were holes in his memory that were driving him crazy. He wasn't necessarily ashamed about their night together, or regretful, wishing that it had never happened.
Ueno couldn't help but remember what Mira had told him, when they were alone outside of Aki's birthday party. Mira had mentioned that he had been the first man Aki had ever been intimate with. At the time, Ueno hadn't thought much of it, but now he realized that it did instill some fear of whether or not he would be able to measure up to Mira, along with the countless other men Aki must have met over the course of the last year.
Mira also told Ueno that he was Aki's first real lover. That instilled a small amount of fear as well. If Aki had never dated anyone, was that by choice? And if it was by choice, was it because Aki found such normal proceedings mundane or undesirable? If that was the case, what was he doing with Ueno in the first place, and would he be enough to hold Aki's attention? Maybe that's what Mira had meant when he'd mentioned that Ueno must be some sort of phase Aki was going through.
Being a phase certainly made sense. Why else would Aki hold any interest in him? Ueno was realistic; he knew that while there was nothing really wrong with him, that he was nothing spectacular. He wasn't drop dead gorgeous or edgy, nor was he ethereally beautiful like Aki. He was smart, but not a genius by any standards, and he didn't possess any truly impressive talents. And until today, that hadn't bothered him in the slightest. His father had always said that Ueno was determined to be a jack of all trades but the master of none.
Ueno hadn't been a virgin when he'd met Aki, although he'd never slept with another man. Had he done something wrong? Had Aki been aware of inadequacies that Ueno hadn't yet realized? And in their time together messing around on Aki's bed earlier, had those inadequacies been brought back to Aki's attention?
Furthermore, why was he even giving Mira's words a second thought?
The answer came to him quickly; this one had been easy. Ueno was intimidated by him. Aki's ex-lover had been obnoxious, but Mira had just had his feelings hurt by renewed rejection and disappointment, and those feelings had been enhanced in his drunkenness. While annoying, Mira didn't strike Ueno as being a liar. If Aki had been interested in Mira before, there was no reason why he couldn't be competition now. Mira had more experience than Ueno, and knew Aki and his family much more intimately.
Most important, Mira knew all of Aki's secrets, the ones he wasn't comfortable enough to tell Ueno. The ones he didn't trust Ueno enough to reveal.
Ueno stopped walking, a realization hitting him like a brick wall. Damn it, he was ashamed. Ashamed and scared. That's why he couldn't wait to be alone. His lack of experience, his naïveté and childish ways of looking at life had never mortified him until now. He'd climbed out of bed feeling like a newbie starting an entry level position with no training that had just screwed up publicly. Mira was more thorough that Ueno once thought; he'd managed to reduce Ueno to an insecure mess with one small conversation.
He was deeply involved with someone he felt was out of his league. Why hadn't he realized it? And while Ueno was on the subject of realizations, why hadn't he figured out the reason behind his fear of disappointing Aki, of not being enough?
He spoke aloud in the darkness. "I'm in love with him. Crap."
