Disclaimer: I'm just a geeky fangirl that likes to play around; I own nothing.
The Long Way Home: Chapter 23
Why did matters seem to improve, but for each step in the right direction, Ueno seemed determined to take those famous and popularly mentioned two steps backward? He did it without trying but it still happened, and with alarming frequency these days.
Monday afternoon and night had been blissful. Tuesday had started out lovely. Tonight was a completely different story and in the blink of an eye, he was back to yearning for what currently passed as normal and wondering what he'd done to deserve this.
Isn't this why Ueno usually graciously bowed out of any relationship that had more than its fair share of drama in the past? Then again, in the past, he hadn't been the one who caused the drama. Maybe Aki was now in Ueno's position, questioning the benefits of their attachment to one another, and maybe those benefits wouldn't stack up in comparison to the issues they'd experienced, were experiencing, and would experience.
The restaurant made Ueno's scalp itch. It was an attractive establishment, tastefully decorated, lit candles with their small flames waving gently, flickering light bouncing off walls and surfaces. Muted conversation didn't drown out the music, which added yet more elegance- to those who appreciated this crap- yet Ueno was experiencing a form of culture shock. This place was not for the likes of him but that was okay, because he didn't want it to be.
He didn't want to sit in the high backed chair snubbing his nose like everyone else, talking about social events or trips outside of the country. He didn't want to sit another minute in his tight-ass slacks of undetermined fabric that threatened to render him impotent. He yearned to hole up at home in his own apartment, rip off his clothes and slide into some oversized, soft sweats. Or better yet, he yearned to hole up in Aki's apartment and find solace with Aki and their new addition. Donating blood, a fist fight with a drunk, a voluntary lobotomy, sampling Aki's rare and horrifying attempts at cooking, even a colonoscopy. Anything but this.
Ueno was behaving admirably; he was a wonderful companion that ingrained good manners required him to be, but his thoughts were elsewhere. He smiled when she did, asked idle questions in regards to her background and schooling, and laughed when he felt it was appropriate.
The two of them hadn't yet been waited on; apparently Wednesday night was a busy time for the establishment.
Ueno had tried to delay the removal of the heavy, lengthy coat he'd insisted on wearing to hide his top, but had grown uncomfortable, the normally comforting wool causing his arms to itch and his temperature to steadily rise.
He hadn't missed Kanoko's expression as she took in his attire, her mouth forming a small o, her eyebrow twitching as if it was attempting to raise itself and she was physically stifling the movement. She won the battle quickly enough and made no comment. Even if she had, Ueno wouldn't have blamed her.
Ueno doubted he'd be able to eat. He'd felt sick earlier that evening when Satou-san presented him with the bouquet of roses to give to Kanoko and his appetite had not yet returned. Emotions warred inside him. First, he'd felt childish that he'd forgotten to buy them on his own; a gentleman would have remembered. Then he grew angry, wondering why he should have to buy her anything in the first place; the date was just a farce anyway.
Ueno had been struck by her good looks; at Aki's party, for one reason or another- or many- he hadn't taken notice. Now, sitting across from her with nothing else to do, he openly studied her, only truly aware of his actions after she cleared her throat and he was jolted back to attention.
And then there was guilt because as he sat across from her, becoming more engaged in their conversations, he realized that Kanoko was a very smart young woman. Suddenly the common family opinion regarding her exploits and disdain for discretion didn't seem very important.
"Did you say something?" Ueno folded his hands in his lap, feeling so out of his element that it took conscious effort to keep panic from setting in. This restaurant wasn't him, with its soft music, dim lights, and uniformed, stoic waiters. He'd rather be in a loud izakaya belting out songs on a karaoke platform, surrounded by his circle of friends.
Kanoko nodded, watching him curiously. "I asked how you met Aki. I know you both go to the same school, but did you meet during a class you had together, just bump to each other on campus, or what? I can't imagine the two of you having much in common."
Great. She had to focus on Aki. He was the one person Ueno thought about most, but wanted to talk about the least.
"How come?"
"Well, Aki isn't mean, but he's not exactly outgoing." Kanoko spoke as if that should be common knowledge. "And you're much friendlier and more approachable than him. What do you two even talk about?"
"Aki is very friendly if you approach him the right way and he trusts you." Ueno felt compelled to defend his boyfriend, though Kanoko wasn't out and out insulting him. "We never have a problem finding anything to talk about."
"I wasn't trying to put him down." Kanoko hurriedly added. "I love Aki; he is my cousin, after all. But he really doesn't seem to like many people these days, myself included. You did see how he treated me at his birthday party, didn't you?"
Ueno felt his cheeks begin to heat up. "Uh, y-yeah, I do."
"That was all I meant." Kano fingered the petals of her bouquet absently. "Although, he did come to my defense when I was younger and people used to make fun of me."
"Yeah?" Ueno cocked his head. "Make fun of you how?"
"About my weight."
Ueno caught himself halfway through his nod. "Ah." She was surprisingly candid.
"I was a fat teenager." Kanoko smiled at the recollection. "Now that I'm mentioning it, Aki was a lot nicer to me when we were younger, or maybe it was that, I can be mean to her, but no one else can rule that families have. Aki was one of the few people who told me I was beautiful before I lost the weight, and would tell off anyone who tried to make me feel bad. I wonder where that supportive Aki went."
"It's hard to picture Aki cursing at anyone." It was also hard to picture Aki being supportive of Kanoko, but Ueno declined to vocalize the thought.
Kanoko smiled. "Aki has a sharp tongue; he just picks and chooses when to use it. He can make people cry without raising a hand, and that's a useful skill to have. He doesn't use that skill much; you have to be worth the trouble for him to make the effort."
"Hmm." Ueno sipped at his water, imagining Aki engaged in a word battle with an unsuspecting idiot. "Sounds like you two were close when you were younger."
"We got along, at least. Mira was even nicer to me back then." Kanoko shook her head. "That fathead. I can't believe he kissed you right there in front of everyone."
"Me either." Ueno said, smiling despite the memory.
"Have you decided what you want to order?"
Ueno scrabbled for his menu. "Sorry. I haven't. I'm not familiar with most of this stuff."
"Me either." Kanoko frowned. "I don't care for Italian food."
"What?" Ueno snapped his menu shut. "Your mom said you wanted to come here."
Kanoko shook her head. "My mother chose the restaurant. She just told you that. I have no overwhelming desire to eat here, or to go see that silly movie, either. She tries to make me look a lot more dignified than I really am, probably to make me seem more attractive to men with status and wealth or something."
That didn't make much sense, as far as Ueno was concerned. He wasn't exactly a well-to-do guy who could afford to take a girl to restaurants such as this on a regular basis, so the need to impress him seemed silly. All the same, Ueno found himself sinking into his cushioned seat, relaxing unexpectedly. "But that's not really what you want?"
"If my mother had her way, I'd be a married mother of two by now."
Ueno spoke without considering pleasantries. "That's not what I asked."
"No, I don't suppose it was." Kanoko looked away. "That is what I want, but not right now."
Ueno waited for her to continue. "Meaning?"
"Meaning that I don't need a man for anything other than… well-"
Ueno let out a breath. "You mean a lay." So she'd come on this date with the intention of getting lucky.
"Not the most ladylike thing to say, is it?" Kanoko smiled, tilting her head to the side. "I feel like I can be honest with you. I like to have fun. I do want to get married at some point, but I'm not in any rush."
Ueno stared at the dark-haired woman across from him, more than a little stunned. "Then why did you-"
"Come on so strong? I guess by habit. It sounds silly, but sometimes I feel like my mother is controlling my movements, like I'm just a body carrying out her wishes. And most of the time, I don't notice I'm doing it. As for the kiss, I did it because I wanted to." She left her explanation at that.
The admission was oddly comforting. Ueno sat up straight. "Do we have to eat here?"
"I'd rather not. Where would you like to go instead?"
"Anywhere but here." Ueno spoke passionately. "This isn't my thing. At all."
"I didn't think so." Kanoko bit her lip. "Since we're being honest with each other, can I ask you something?"
"Sure." Ueno studied her face; she looked as if she was fighting laughter.
"Did you pick out that outfit yourself?"
"Hell, no." Ueno said quickly, and then lowered his voice. "Aki did."
"Interesting. Aki has always had perfect taste, but it might be smart to refuse his assistance from now on."
Ueno chuckled. Of course, he took no offense, and planned on following her advice. Her sense of humor and understanding were calming. However, as they left the restaurant, he couldn't help but think that it could only guarantee that the night would inevitably get worse, because he was beginning to really like her. That made what he was doing much more diabolical.
"Aki? You alive in there?"
"Yes."
His front door had been left cracked open, a result of Mira popping in to check on him every so often. Aki didn't mind the attention, not that night; he wasn't keen on being alone, but didn't want a babysitter. The routine worked well enough.
He'd sequestered himself into the corner of the couch, legs curled up Indian style, kitten in his hands. Never mind the fact that the kitten would have been better off in his heated bed; Aki could keep him warm. Stroking that little body, fur soft between his fingers, made him feel marginally better.
He remained staunch in his refusal to look at the clock; he didn't want to know how long Ueno had been gone. It was difficult, though, and Mira was a welcome distraction.
"Good." Mira peered through the crack in the door. "How are you holding up?"
"Fine." Aki watched Mira slip though the doorway. "It's not like this is going to kill me, you know."
"No, but you look mad enough to kill someone else."
"You're funny."
"Come on. The kitten's been fed, so let's go out and do something."
"No thank you." Aki didn't feel like moving, feeling better, or being distracted from his anger; he wanted to stay home and pout.
"Aki, you need to get out of here for a while. All that brooding is going to drive you nuts. Let me treat you to a movie, dinner, something. Whatever you want."
"No."
"So you're going to sit here all night pissed off?"
"I'm not mad."
"Then tell me what's got your face all screwed up like that, because you look pretty mad to me."
Aki unfolded himself, kitten carefully balanced in the crook of his arm. Without a word, he left the room, returning the kitten to his blankets. Ueno had told him that the kitten was fine left alone in his bed, that he would sleep most of each day, but Aki couldn't help wondering if some cuddling with be of benefit as well. Or maybe he was just being selfish because he needed some cuddling too.
Mira was still standing, arms crossed, when Aki returned to the living area.
"Even if you weren't all upset, don't you get tired of hanging around here all the time? It's like you two are in hiding or something."
"We are not hiding. Shut up." Aki couldn't put his finger on exactly irked him so badly about Mira's observation.
"What?" Mira asked, genuinely puzzled. "What did I say?"
"I have no idea."
"It's okay that you're upset. But you know Ueno isn't interested in your cousin. He's just trying to carry out his good old boy role. He can't stand to disappoint anyone; you know that." Mira finally made his way to the couch and sat down. "He loves to take care of everyone else."
Aki stalked to the refrigerator and snatched up a bottle of water, muttering under his breath.
"What was that?"
Aki took a deep breath. "What about me?"
Mira cleared his throat. "What about you? He loves to take care of everyone, but he lives to take care of you, or haven't you noticed?"
"I know, I know." Aki joined Mira on the couch.
"Then what exactly are you bitching about? If you know, then what's the problem?"
Aki twisted off the cap and raised the bottle to his lips. "Was he really just trying not to upset my family? Why should he even care what they think?"
Mira held out his hand and without a word, Aki passed him the water bottle. Mira took a swig before answering. "He could have just told them that he was seeing someone else or that he wasn't interested in dating, but being the upstanding guy that he is, I think Ueno has a problem lying. That, or it doesn't occur to him fast enough. He should work on that."
"And?" Aki found himself irritated with Mira's rambling in most cases, but he'd known Mira long enough to understand that within most of his babbling, there was a message that normally rang true. If only Mira would get to the point.
"And… I think Ueno felt he had two choices. One: he could tell them the truth about you two. Two: he could agree to the date and get the world off his case, thus avoiding further questioning."
"But how does that work?" Aki ran his fingers through his hair, agitation making the motion shaky. "How does that get him off the hook? What happens if she ends up liking him even more? What if he doesn't turn down the next invitation, or the one after that? What if she ends up thinking that they're a couple?" What if he realizes he misses breasts? What if he starts to like her? What if he decides that being with her isn't so bad?
"That's a whole lot of what ifs. Yep; he is making things worse for himself. But I don't think he's thought things out that far. Fear does that to people, right? But, you can't blame him for trying."
"Are you defending him?"
"No, no; I'm not defending him. Okay, maybe a little. Ueno's intentions are good, Aki, but he's just doing a shitty job of handling the situation because he's probably afraid to just admit that you two are together."
"So what should I do?"
"You can dump him."
There was dead silence while Aki glared at his ex-lover. For a moment, he'd actually thought Mira would give him some helpful advice, but he should have known better. He didn't often use obscenities, but this situation seemed to call for it. He took a deep breath and although his words were whispered, they were laden with intent.
"And you can go to hell."
"Is that a refusal? Well, then you have to accept it."
"Thank you for the advice." Aki leaned back and raised his head toward the ceiling.
"You're tired of hiding."
Aki didn't answer.
"That's your problem. You've had some crazy experiences and most of that stuff isn't safe to tell anyone, even your family or friends. By some weird stroke of luck, you've managed to turn things around a little bit, and you're actually in a healthy relationship- sort of- and you're happy being with him. The fact that Ueno is willing to go out on a date with someone in order to avoid admitting to your family that he loves you is driving you psycho." Mira propped a foot on the coffee table. "Are you ready to admit that I'm right?"
Aki examined his fingers.
"And then instead of telling him that you couldn't stand the idea, you took him shopping, made him buy that stupid getup, helped him get ready, all the while saying that you wanted to help him out, which we all know is bullshit, of course. It's just your roundabout way of humiliating and punishing him. Then, the last hour he was here, you refused to talk to him, wouldn't say goodbye to him, and wouldn't even let him touch you. You're a big old misleading mess yourself, Aki."
"What was I supposed to do? Object or support him?"
"Beats me, but don't do both, dummy. That would confuse anyone. You could have just told him how you felt, and then you wouldn't have had to do either."
"I couldn't do that."
"Sure you could. Ueno isn't one to purposely hurt anyone. He doesn't understand how bad he's making you feel. If you'd thrown the fact that he was hurting you in his face and been real obvious about it, he would have had to address it. But I don't think you understand how he's feeling either; I don't even think Ueno knows for sure. He's just acting on instinct."
"How is he feeling, then, mister know-it-all?" Aki shoved himself back into the corner of the couch, waiting for more wisdom.
"I can't say for sure." Mira tilted his head back and turned to the side to observe Aki more easily. "How much do you want to bet that he doesn't have all of the answers yet? Telling one person that he's with you means the whole family may find out. Then there will be questions, and admitting that he's gay may seem like a stretch to him because he's always been with women, and you're his first man. He might ask himself if being with one man makes him gay all of a sudden, or if he's been gay all along and just didn't realize it. Maybe he's trying to figure out if you're the only man he'll ever be attracted to. You've got to remember what that was like. Maybe he's asking himself if all the girls that he's dated ever really meant anything to him; shit, I don't know. But how can he admit what he can't even understand yet?"
"This stinks." Aki massaged his temples.
"Relationships are a pain in the ass, and your life doesn't make them any easier. I can't stress enough the fact that you're dating someone who has never been with a guy before. Cut him a little slack."
Aki wondered whether or not life would be this confusing if he'd never reconciled with Ueno after being set free, if he'd called and depended on Mira instead, who understood him exponentially better than anyone else. His lips moved on their own; he said as much, and Mira didn't tease him. In fact, he seemed to give the statement some thought.
When Mira finally responded, it wasn't with words.
The last time Mira kissed Aki, it had been messy, drunken, and left Aki reeling. This time, Aki was surprised, but gone was the sloppy tangling of their tongues and rough grip. Mira rested a hand on each of Aki's shoulders and took his time; this was the type of kissing Aki remembered from their time together well over a year past.
It would be easy to lean back and just let it happen. Mira's lips were soft and sweet with only the slight tang of cigarettes, his breath warm. He wisely kept his tongue from the equation, but Mira always worked well with what he had at his disposal, so tongue wasn't even necessary.
Too soon and not soon enough, he drew back. "Was that good?"
Aki opened his eyes. "Yes. It always was."
"Do you want me to keep going?"
"Don't you dare." Aki immediately shook his head.
Of all of Mira's expressions, the last one Aki expected after rejection would have been a smile, but Mira's lips curved upward, as if he'd anticipated the outcome, and led Aki to that answer deliberately. "I didn't think so. It won't work anymore. If Ueno was the one who changed you, then being with me won't satisfy you. I'm starting to accept that. And I'm not pathetic enough to throw myself at someone who has clearly chosen someone else."
Aki nodded miserably. "But look where that's gotten both of us. How pathetic am I?"
"You're a mess, but you're definitely not pathetic. Hey." Mira sat up straight. "Is that your phone ringing?"
Aki nodded again. "It's in the bedroom."
"Aren't you going to answer it?"
"No."
"Man, don't start this whole depression thing on me, where you don't answer the door or your phone and hide out in your room. That would be pathetic." Mira shook his head as the ringtone abruptly ceased. "What if that was someone important?" He jumped as his own phone, stashed in his pocket, trilled loudly. He quickly pulled it free, checking the display. "Hang on. It's your cousin. I bet she's calling me because you didn't answer."
Aki abandoned the couch for his favorite chair. "I have nothing to say to her right now."
"You big baby." Mira raised the phone to his ear. "What do you want? No, Aki won't come to the phone. You heard me right; I said wont. Uh…huh."
Despite having no desire to speak to his cousin, he listened to Mira's end of the conversation with blatant interest. Mira's facial expression indicated an odd explanation on the other end.
"Huh? What did you do to him? You're yanking my chain." Mira lapsed into silence.
As Aki watched with mounting confusion, Mira snickered.
"Well, that's the effect you have on men, I guess." Mira rolled his eyes. "I hate you too- he said wha- he seriously called you that?"
Mira burst into coughing, whooping laughter. Alarmed, Aki surged to his feet. It took a few moments before he sobered.
"Is that Ueno in the background?" Mira whistled. "Uh, okay. Okay! Take away his silverware and sit tight. I'll drive, so we can be there in about a half hour. Okay, got it."
He snapped the phone shut and turned to Aki. "How long has it been since you fed that thing?"
"A little over an hour." Aki replied, confused by the change in subject. He'd had to consider his answer before speaking.
"Go top him off, and grab Ueno something to change into. We need to go, and we won't be back for a while."
"Why?"
"We have to go get your man. I think he's gone off the deep end."
Ueno rested his cheek against the table top and he felt a grittiness pressing into his skin. Sugar or salt, he thought absently, noticing and not caring.
A hand, soft and gentle, patted his head. "Mira said they should be here in about twenty minutes. That's plenty of time to get your head together. Thanks for tonight, though. I know you're embarrassed, but this was the most entertaining night I've had in a long time. We should get together more often; I've always wanted a gay friend, you know."
Ueno sighed. "Why are you hoarding all the knives?"
