When Kurt awoke the next day, Blaine was gone from his bed. He could hear chatter in the kitchen.
"Oh, God no, please don't let it be Rachel." Kurt, in a sleepy daze found his navy pyjama pants and shoved them on. He didn't take much more consideration into his appearance or attire considering he was still trying to keep his eyes open. The last thing Blaine needed was a lecture from Rachel about God knows what, or worse, an impromptu audition.
Thankfully when he scurried into the kitchen all he saw was Blaine and Santana chatting at the dining table. Kurt sighed with relief and tried to remember the important thing that happened last night that he had to tell Santana about. Oh, that was right! Rachel's visitor! But first, breakfast.
"Morning Kurt." Blaine's smile was gorgeous, and his hair was the most remarkable bed hair Kurt had ever seen. Kurt swept in to take Blaine's waiting lips. They shared a reserved kiss, very aware that Santana was watching their every move with a sly smile.
"Nice ears, Kurt." Santana smirked through her coffee cup.
"What!" Kurt reached up and patted the grey kitten ears that had miraculously remained on his head the entire night.
"Kurt was putting on a little show for me last night." Blaine explained.
"Blaine!" Kurt slapped him across the shoulder. "Don't you dare ever tell Santana about your sex life."
"It was really hot, there was strawberry sauce and everything." Blaine bragged. Where was that ball gag when Kurt needed one?
"I'm going to my room!" Kurt burrowed his face into his mitten hands. Oh, he was still wearing the mittens.
"Hey, since when did you get those?" Santana knew the ins and outs of Kurt's wardrobe, she had never seen them before. "They look like Brits. Hey, get back here." Kurt, still with hand face in his hands retreated to his room. Santana bounced on his heels, wanting to get to the bottom of this great mystery.
"So, you and Brit are sharing a wardrobe now, hmm?" Then Santana's eyes fell upon the cat scratching post and food bowl that Blaine had unpacked last night. And of course, the rainbow backpack. Santana knew that was Brittany's. It had her name written in crayon on the side strap. Santana could rule out Kurt owning a cat, considering Rachel was deathly allergic to them, which left Santana with only one other option. Kurt was the cat.
"Ohhh, so, ah, should I serve you breakfast in this then?" Santana picked up the food bowl that Blaine had left on the floor.
"Give me that." Kurt was packing everything away and shoving it in Brittany's backpack. He even took off his ears and mittens, which he was starting to become rather fond of.
"But then why is it all in Brits bag?"
"Is she…."
"Fine!" Kurt sighed, seeing no point in lying or hiding Brittany's secret anymore. He hoped that the blond girl wouldn't be too mad at him. "Brittany came over that time, so she had a safe place to be a cat. She left her bag here because you arrived home and we forgot about it. That's all."
"Until Blaine found it last night."
"Yes." Kurt also pulled on a shirt before Santana could make a comment about his hickey's. She was still stuck on the topic of Brittany.
"So, how come she chose you and not me." She sounded hurt.
"Wow, you must really like this girl. San, she chose me because she didn't want you to think she was weird."
"But I like her weirdness."
"Then tell her that. Here, you can even return this to her." Kurt held the backpack for Santana to take. She hugged it to her chest with a smile.
"Thanks Kurt."
"Remind me to show you which cereal Kitty-Brit likes." Then Kurt remembered the earth-shattering news he had to tell Santana. "Oh, my God, Santana there's something I have to tell you." Kurt bounced excitedly as if he had the juiciest gossip the planets ever heard. But before Kurt to tell Santana what it is, they found Rachel in the kitchen. The beast had awoken. Kurt had to save Blaine.
"I swear I saw you at that club, that you-know-what club. So, Kurt did lie to me." Rachel accused with a stern point to her finger. Blaine kept his cool, he looked amused.
"The what club?"
"The dirty club." She whispered as if it were Fight Club and she was breaking the first rule.
"So, tell, me what makes the club so dirty?"
"Because its, you know, where people go to… have sex." Rachel whispered the last words. Kurt motioned for Santana to stay back. He wanted to see where this went.
"So, do you think sex is dirty? Or do you like dirty sex?"
"Dirty sex! Me! How dare you!"
"Well, you said it yourself, people go to the club to have sex, you admitted yourself that you went to the club, and you called the club dirty, so logically, if you put all those statements together, you went to the club to have dirty sex. So, my question to you is, did you enjoy it?"
Rachel was left flabbergasted by Blaine's flawed logic. Both Kurt and Santana were biting their lips back in laughter.
"Please don't ever let this man go." Santana whispered to Kurt.
"Oh, and by the way, there's no need to be so judgmental. I saw you chatting up that Dom down in the basement. Didn't you ask me, and I quote "How do I finish my drink with a ball gag in.'" Blaine completed his quotation in a high-pitched voice.
"What!" Santana couldn't control herself now. "Hold on, so you're telling me that we have been receiving lectures from Rachel about what our parents would think, when really we should be giving her lectures on bondage 101?"
"There's an afternoon seminar next week on that." Blaine offered as a side note. No one listened to him.
"I was only there looking for you two. Do you know how disheartening it is that your two best friends leave you out of their plans?" Rachel's face flushed with hurt. Was that a tear?
"Because we would never hear the end of it!" Santana cried, ignoring her friend's emotions. When Santana raised her voice, Kurt knew it was time to intervene.
"Might I interject." Kurt stood between the two girls. "Rachel, isn't it a bit hypocritical of you?"
"Of me? For what?"
"Would you like to reveal the man candy you have stashed away in your room or is he so rude that he left before breakfast." Kurt spoke loud enough that if there was anyone behind Rachel's bedroom curtain, they would certainly hear. There was rustling from the bedroom and a spring from the mattress. Santana looked like it was Christmas. Rachel looked like she had just witnessed a car accident, and Blaine took another bite of his cereal as if he were in the middle of a really good movie.
"Brodie, we know you are in there!" Kurt called in a demanding voice.
"Yeah, yeah." The ken doll appeared in all his naked glory, swiping the privacy curtain out of his way. Santana now looked like she was staring at the Santa clause. Blaine paused mid bite full, his mouth gaped open and dribbled milk. Rachel just about died from embarrassment.
"Brodie, put on some clothes." Rachel groaned through her splayed fingers that were securely clasped over her face.
"What, it's nothing you or Kurt hasn't seen before. and I'm sure the other two don't mind."
"What!" Now it was Blaine's turn to look appalled.
"I walked in on him naked in the kitchen last night." Kurt quickly explained, rolling his eyes at everyone's assumptions. "Get your mind out of the gutter, Blaine."
"So, Brodie." Santana recovered and made no effort to hide her prying eyes. she stared the hairless man up and down. Why did Kurt have a feeling that Brodie enjoyed the attention. "So, you must be the Dom from the club then."
"Would you like me to be your Dom?" Brodie flirted.
"Oh, I already have mine. I doubt you can top him." Santana retaliated, crossing her arms over her chest. She gave the man another look up and down, leaning back on her popped hip.
"Oh, I can top anyone." Brodie made the innuendo. Kurt found the entire flirtatious conversation in his kitchen over breakfast surreal. Before it could go any further, he demanded
"Brodie! Put some clothes on." Kurt barked with such gravity in his tone that the man backed away into the privacy curtain to dress.
"With that attitude maybe Kurt's the real Dom around here." Santana sniped.
"Oh, I'm hoping he never realises his true powers." Blaine replied, topping up is coffee cup. "I fear me may be unstoppable. He's a lot stronger than he looks, I mean, look at this." Blaine tugged down his t-shirt to reveal the finger gripped bruises from last night. Santana examined it with a look of approval.
"Nice, Hummel."
"Blaine and I are going out for coffee." Kurt announced basically pulling Blaine to his feet and ignoring the fact that Blaine had just finished his second cup of coffee.
"I'll join you." Santana decided. "As much as I find Rachel's sex life amusing, I don't want to be educated in all its details."
"You know, it was Danni that sent Rachel down into the basement." Kurt said in-between bitefulls of his ham and cheese croissant. Santana had ordered eggs benedict and Blaine looked like he had stumbled upon a pot of gold as he stared down at his cronut.
"I don't know if I should thank her or curse her for bringing the naked man into our lives." Santana mused.
"So now isn't a good time to mention that Danni wants me to put in a good word for her? She likes you."
"And here, children, we have Kurt stating the obvious." Blaine mocked. Kurt stuck his finger into Blaine's cronut with a pout. Blaine looked down, appalled at his squished breakfast.
"Hey! She always makes a comment about whatever you're wearing, San. It drives in insane."
"Does she now?" Santana mused but offered no further information. The boys stared at her impatiently as she sipped her iced latte.
"Well?" Blaine and Kurt waited for Santana to elaborate.
"Oh, no you are not getting any information out of me, boys. Unlike Rachel's toy boy, I keep my private things private. Besides, with what Kurt let slip about Brit, I'm going to be occupied with learning how to take care of a cat. Oh God, she doesn't knock things off tables, does she?"
"No, no, she's a very well-behaved cat." Kurt assured her.
"You know Kurt, you should have a session with that bondage done, ah, what's his name?" Santana clicked her fingers together to job her memory. "Mr T or D or something."
"Oh, that's a fantastic idea." Blaine piped up. "Ill get Sam to send me his details."
"I don't get much of a say in this do I?"
"You lost that right when you covered your boyfriend in bruises. Someone's got to teach you how to treat that gorgeous body with some respect."
"Too right, Sista!" Blaine high-fived Santana. Kurt wondered how he had survived so long with such embarrassing friends.
