Disclaimer: I'm just a geeky fangirl that likes to play around; I own nothing.
Well, here is chapter 31! It's been a couple of years since I promised that this chapter would be along "soon". -_- College, word, Japan, a new job, and through all of it, several re-writes took place. Then, I realized the reason I was struggling so much is because of too much time passing in between writing, as well as a disconnect from the characters because of that gap. Because of that, I decided that I would wait until the edit of chapters 1-30 was complete before I worked on chapter 31 any further. I have a ton of other scenes finished that are tentatively chapters 32-34, but I will need to get my thoughts organized before editing them, as well as flesh out some new characters before continuing. Until then!
The Long Way Home: Chapter 31
Ueno was a clean guy; for that, Aki was appreciative. He didn't carry gross habits, disliked dust and clutter, and washed his hands before and after doing anything. Ueno didn't spend much time here, given that his place of employment was also a location where the two of them could be together more conveniently, but Ueno's apartment was tidy and comforting.
Even so, Ueno's tiny, disinfected bathroom failed at serving as an ideal hangout. Aki wasn't unreasonably fastidious, but he would never have dreamed he'd seek solace on a tiled bathroom floor, no matter how squeaky clean Aki was sure it was.
Wedged between a wall and the sink basin, however, Aki, for the time being, could not picture himself leaving it. Ueno was on the other side of the bathroom door, somewhere, full of questions. Plagued with confusion. Maybe anger, too. And Aki wouldn't have been able to blame him, even if he'd desired to do so.
Still, despite being subjected to what could only have been interpreted as rejection along with a solid right hook to the jaw, Ueno was thoughtful and caring to a fault, gathering Aki's discarded clothing so that Aki could cover up. About a half hour previous, Ueno had knocked softly on the bathroom door and without waiting for an answer, quietly announced that Aki's clothes were on the other side of the door, and that he'd be staying in the living room.
He had been so sweet, and when Aki had been fairly confident that Ueno had made himself scarce, he'd cracked open the door to find his clothing on the floor, neatly folded and stacked. Unfortunately, slipping into his clothing brought little comfort, if any at all. His thoughts lay strewn, and he was incapable of focusing on any one particular stressor long enough to make sense of it before moving on to the next. Too many emotions warred for dominance, and all Aki had been able to manage thus far was to be tossed along with each despairing thought, following them as long as his attention span would allow before he was drawn into another.
Aki's body wasn't faring much better. He sat down some time ago, the trembling in his knees sending him to the floor. He'd given up, his rear had hit the tile, and he'd been motionless since. His breathing was even. His body has ceased its shaking. His eyes were closed, which seemed to have helped somewhat. How, he had no idea.
He knew it was time to venture outside the bathroom door and find Ueno. But the thought turned him physically ill. He couldn't give Ueno the answers he needed, not when he couldn't make sense of the situation himself. He couldn't explain exactly what had come over him, what had taken control of his mind, removing it from the goal of consummating his relationship with Ueno and dropping him with an pronounced plunk into the middle of a flashback.
Even more disturbing was that he had no idea why the memory had inspired such horror. Why hadn't he been able to control his body or his head? What had robbed him of the ability to rise above it, to wrench himself from the recollection? How could one memory that hadn't affected him so profoundly since it actually occurred have numbed him to Ueno's presence and touch?
Ueno had wrested him from the memory, but he was unable to determine exactly what had propelled him into it.
There was too much going on. Aki wanted the time and isolation necessary to think. But first, he needed to rest. His eyelids felt gritty, his though process sluggish. Right now, he was incapable of making sense of anything.
Ueno always made him feel better. His coddling, sweetness, and worrying always soothed Aki's nerves. When he felt at odds with life, Ueno's touch worked miracles. Separating from Ueno, whether it was for an entire day or even just a few hours, was never fun. In the short time they'd known one another, Aki had desired isolation and privacy, but never from Ueno. His boyfriend had been the exception, and Aki had assumed he would always remain so.
But looking into Ueno's eyes right now would kill him, and Aki needed to know why he'd done what he had in order to explain it to Ueno. He needed to get away. Now. Completely. There was no way he could get his head together in Ueno's company- or anyone else's. Ueno couldn't help him this time.
When he'd been younger and going through whatever turmoil that presented itself to him at the time, he 'd resorted to balling himself up in his bedroom closet, whether it be at his uncle's apartment or his parents' home. The darkness and confining walls of those tiny enclosures had served to give him a smidgen of comfort; nothing could sneak up on him. As the jeans and tops teased at him from their hangers, brushing the top of his head, he'd felt surrounded, protected. The quiet space had always provided him the space to calm himself down, so that he could continue on. He needed that now.
If he said he needed to leave, would Ueno understand? And even with that time, would Ueno accept what Aki had to say, whatever that happened to be? How angry was he?
After all of the prodding, the suggestive glances and loose hands, it had come to this. Aki had initiated sex both in words and gesture. He'd suctioned himself to Ueno, moaned, begged his boyfriend not to stop, and worked them both up to a fever pitch. He'd anticipated that coming together more than words could express, predicting unicorns leaping over rainbows, glorious orange and pink sunsets, culminating in a perfect orgasm followed by passionate cuddling and kisses.
Then he'd dumped a bucket of ice cold water over both of them.
I'm sick. I've got to be losing it.
Aki took a deep breath and then hauled himself to his feet. He couldn't stay in here all night, so despite his renewed tremors, he made it to the door. He grasped the handle, gave himself a moment, and turned it, pushing the door open that separated him from the dim bedroom.
As Ueno had promised, the area was empty. The bedside lamp was on, casting a small amount of light into the room. With that light, Aki could see that the room was vacated, bed remade, discarded clothing removed from the floor.
The bedroom wasn't large; a few steps took him to the opening that separated the bedroom from the rest of the apartment. A sick fascination came to him a scant second before he turned the next handle, of what reception he would receive when he opened the door. It accompanied a sudden haste to get the inevitable over with, whatever the outcome.
His boyfriend looked pitiful, if Aki did say so himself. Seated on a far end of the couch, lower half of his body covered with a spare blanket and pillow propped against his back, Ueno appeared to be staring at nothing. Aki had halfway expected Ueno to at least look up in acknowledgement of Aki's entrance, but his body and eyes remained rigid, fixed.
Bare feet carried Aki across the floor, and to the couch. He sank down onto the cushions of the opposite end, unsure if he should break the silence. If he was the one to talk, where exactly should he begin? Where was the beginning, anyway?
It made sense to learn how to size up any individual; Aki had figured that out quickly enough. Assessments based on appearance and mannerisms weren't foolproof, but in these particular situations, they typically worked in Aki's favor. It wasn't as if he had ample time to get to know his partners. At the most, Aki was lucky to have a couple of minutes. These situations didn't call for questioning or explanation; there was no time, and the wrong words scared men directly out the front door.
Unofficial visiting hours were nearly over; it was almost five. Provided his master has nothing left to ask of Aki, he'd waste a few hours reading or mindlessly observing evening television before going to sleep early. These days his master barely interacted with him excluding the occasional taunt, so once he returned home and released Aki from his bonds, he would most likely have the evening to himself. It was soggy outside and dreary inside; burrowing under his blankets was sometimes his only comfort, and the solitude he experienced warm and snug in his bedroom was drastically different from the type he experienced cuffed in a closet.
Regardless, solitude of any type was beginning to get to him. Never a daydreamer before moving in with Uncle Hide, Aki found that often now, he'd shaken himself from a random fantasy, dismissing any yearnings. He had no right to dream. He was in this upscale apartment, effectively captive as a result of his own actions-or lack of. Free time was dangerous, a threat to his mental stability.
And these days, his sanity was always in question.
That lack of interaction with his master was fine with him. He never really questioned the decline of personal interest his uncle had in him; if given the choice to be dicked by either a total stranger or his uncle, he'd bend over for a newcomer each and every time. To be honest, his uncle wasn't the best at fucking these days, contrary to his own belief sometimes - Aki had definitely noticed- and if the attempt was unsuccessful, his master's good spirits plummeted. Fast.
Anyway, his situation wasn't going to go away without some action on his part. Before he got his peace and quiet, business called, of course. His workday wasn't through.
He ignored the name tag pinned to the guy's white polo top, tucked neatly into loose, khaki pants; it was always preferable for Aki to remain ignorant of any snippets that personalized the individual, gave them any depth. He didn't want to get to know the guy, didn't want to be able to match a name with a face if he didn't have to.
Aki supposed the man probably got off frequently, but didn't get laid too often; a good two minutes of sucking should loosen him up. Another ten minutes, if that, of actual penetration should bring things to a predictable close.
He thwarted a sigh before it emerged. Aki, given his situation, figured he was allowed to pass judgment. It was one of the few freedoms he was granted in his existence. This guy looked like the type to be teased relentlessly as a child, temper tantrums diffused with carbohydrates. While on the pudgy side but too small to be considered fat, the man appeared to lack strength, body composed of more flab than muscle.
But that was just Aki's gut assumption. So long as he was passing judgment, though, he made another call; this guy, like most of the men Aki came into contact with, was straight but would be easy enough to at least confuse. It wouldn't matter; A few minutes of fevered sucking would make him less mindful of his sexual preference.
Besides that, Aki was willing to bet money that the man hadn't had much sexual experience, if any, unless the guy's own sweaty palm counted as a partner.
Aki allowed himself a few more moments of speculation. How high was the probability that he was a diligent, devoted addition to society, making house calls as he had that day, while whittling away his free time in his tiny apartment hunched over a computer desk, headphones plugged in to disguise the grunts and moans of internet porn that no one else was actually around to hear?
Pretty high. He wasn't one of those fearless, respectable pud pullers who felt free to lounge around in bed, bottoms completely removed and tossed to the floor, legs spread, with a box of tissue on their right side and a bowl of strawberries on their left.
Like I'm fit to be the judge of anyone. Aki mentally shook himself off and considered the task at hand. The sooner he got down to business, the sooner he could send the hapless visitor on his way.
"U-Uh, I-"
The guy had something to say- or ask.
"Hello," Aki greeted him quietly. The guy's first concern would be for Aki's safety, which would fall quickly by the wayside. His next dilemma would be whether or not to run.
Aki hadn't moved from his initial pose, which was on his side in a fetal position; it made him appear harmless and most important of all, vulnerable. The key to keeping his visitors from making a run for it was to keep his volume low, words simple, and refrain from divulging too much information.
He pressed both of his palms to the floor, pushing off to rise and slide into a sitting position. Aki had been doing this kind of thing in cuffs long enough that his movements were as graceful as those of one unhindered.
"H-h.." The guy returned. He turned his head, looking nervously into the living room behind him. "A-are you- uh, a-a h-"
"A hostage? I wouldn't say that." Aki lifted his arms high, back arched in a long, satisfying stretch. "Not exactly, anyway. What brings you here?"
The guy swallowed hard. "H-h… hardware installation."
Aki bit back a genuine smile borne of amusement. The guy was serious; that explanation was no sexual innuendo. He raised his knees, which was trickier than moving to a kneeling pose, since his lower half was hindered by bindings that encircled his ankles, calves, and thighs. Sitting in that position would have felt natural, if he'd had the ability to part his legs at the knees a bit. He had to make do, though, pulling his legs to his chest and circling his arms around his knees.
The benefit of that position was two-fold; it gave the illusion that he was attempting to hide his nakedness a bit, while doing quite the opposite, providing a small glimpse of his most intimate areas, provided the guy looked down.
He did, though he immediately raised his head as if jerked.
"So, you came to work on a computer?"
"Ah… yeah. I- I um." The man coughed. "House call. My boss told me that it had been pre-arranged by e-mail and the customer was out all day on business, but that he would be in sometime this afternoon. Since we don't do any kind of billing and we have no idea what to charge before the job is done, I was supposed to wait around for payment after I finished."
"Oh." Aki glanced off to the side, apparently deep in thought. "The homeowner won't be back for a while. If you're not permitted to leave without payment for your services, maybe you'd like to keep me company. Would that be acceptable? At the very least, you won't get bored waiting for your money."
It didn't matter. Once Aki finished with him, waiting around for monetary compensation would be forgotten in the panic, the need to get out as soon as possible by any means necessary. Besides, it wasn't like his master had any intention of paying, and the mentioned computer wasn't personally his. He would never allow anyone to mess with his actual computer or view any of his files. Aki could just imagine the conversation between boss and subordinate; the fudged explanation of why no payment had been collected. As if he'd be able to divulge the truth. He'd likely be fired.
"I.." The guy cleared his throat again. "I can wait in the living room."
The houseguest clearly hadn't fully processed the situation curled up in front of him, and obviously didn't understand that he'd most definitely been had. And he had no idea what was coming.
Aki's services didn't include briefing. As such, he offered none, merely shifting where he sat. "These are a bit restrictive, don't you think?" He gestured, with his head, to his bindings. "I don't suppose you could give me a hand?"
He could undo the bindings on his own, but it was problematic and time consuming. He'd have to get his hands around the underside of his knees, and even then, with the cuffs in place and more snug than standard, his palms would face downward so his hands weren't in the proper position to work at his bindings. Besides, the assistance provided the stranger with his first feel; he wouldn't be able to work without some contact with Aki's skin.
The stranger swallowed. Hard.
Aki lifted his arms. "The bindings aren't too complicated; they're just hard to get at by myself. See?"
The point of restricting Aki was mostly for show. He could and had gotten himself free, though the cuffs were impossible to remove without a key. That task always had to wait for the return of his master.
Without another word from that gaping mouth, the dark-haired stranger moved forward.
And the tantalization commenced. The man would either have to hunker down to get the job done, or Aki would have to lift his legs, unless the computer whiz wished to fumble around down there without the aid of vision. Both options gave the stranger a better view.
Aki carefully balanced himself; no small feat without the aid of his hands, and lifted his knees. "Start with my ankles. The buckles are easy to undo. The others can just be untied."
His guest didn't reply, getting down to business. Aki could feel the trembling of his fingers as he released the first buckle, then the second and third, until they were all open.
"Good job." Aki smiled. A little encouragement never hurt anyone. "Now my legs."
He took a deep breath before moving on, frowning. "I.. I c-cant really see what I'm doing."
"Oh, no. Would it help if I lie down?"
"Prob-probably."
Aki lowered his feet back to the floor, and slowly reclined until he was on his back, and then raised his legs.
And in doing so, Aki gave the man a full-on view. There was no ignoring that. Even flat on his back, Aki had no doubt his guest was now in a state of pure confusion, and possibly already in the beginning stages of arousal. Conditioned in the actions of the shameless, he felt no bashfulness or reservation in doing so. On the contrary, he thrilled a little at the discomfort that he was sure to be causing.
Aki heard a heaving breath, and then the hands began working at the ropes determinedly, without any sort of plan or reasoning; he felt those scrabbling fingers accidentally scrape at his skin more than once before his legs fell open.
The relief Aki felt was real. He gave a sigh, maneuvering himself back to a sitting position, this time Indian fashion. "Thank you. I wasn't very comfortable. I'm sure you can imagine. You can't help me with my hands, I'm afraid, but I already feel better."
"Sure." He didn't stutter that time.
Ah, well. "So, do you have any ideas?"
"Huh?"
"Of how to pass the time. You've informed me that you're unable to leave just yet." Aki's tongue peeked out from between his lips, very briefly. "And I should thank you for your help, don't you think?"
"T-that's okay-"
"I can't pay you, but I can manage this, at least."
It was hard, moving from his seated position to kneeling, and then crouching, all the while inching closer to the stunned man in front of him without resembling a fish out of water. Aki managed well, though, as his profession dictated. Seconds later, Aki was situated properly, the man's legs spread open, Aki resting on his elbows between them.
From this point forth, everything else should be textbook. Aki hadn't even touched him, but the khaki-clad lump before him was stiffening; soon the material would be stretched over the man's progressing erection.
He remedied that soon enough, patting the mass before he released the lone button and moved swiftly to the tab of the zipper, easing it down and parting the material. He hooked a finger into the waistband of the man's underwear, pulling it out and down, until the tip was in view.
It wasn't the prettiest cock he'd ever seen, and he'd seen some gorgeous ones in his short life, but the size is what had Aki amused. That, and the fact that his shorts bore a telltale dark spot, indicating that he was already aroused, and probably had been for a good few minutes, before Aki had even put on the heat.
Then again, the smaller the cock, the easier the ride. It wasn't as it Aki had any lubrication to make insertion any easier, so some would consider this a blessing.
Okay. Aki had no clock to use as a counter, but he was usually accurate in his timing anyway. What time estimate had he given the guy? Two minutes?
He began to count backward from one-hundred and twenty, urging the band of the man's shorts down and applying a light kiss- most of them liked that- before dipping his head to slide the tip between his lips.
Aki had expected some panting or possibly a moan, and definitely a shout of surprise. When he heard none of these, he raised his eyes. What he saw was blinding.
Zero to sixty.
The guy was paying attention, but he appeared farther gone than most of his customers, and much sooner than normal. His expression didn't reflect any shock, fear, or trepidation, quite the switch from scant minutes earlier. The man was broadcasting arousal. His eyelids were shuttered, his hands braced on the floor behind him, as if he was well aware of what was to occur and welcoming it.
Aki fought to keep his expression neutral. That was odd, but at least he wouldn't have to give the guy any kind of warning or words of comfort. This had the potential to go more quickly than he planned.
He quickly lowered his head again, starting with short swipes of his tongue, each followed with a caress of the lips.
Ninety-eight… ninety-seven…
It always took a few moments before Aki fully settled into an appropriate headspace. In it, his counter continued to operate and he was still able to process what he saw and heard, thus possessing the ability to perform at his optimum level. It was almost science. He found it easier to function this way; he shut everything else out. It was a necessary skill; conscience, reservation, fear, revulsion, body odor of his partner, offensive tastes and textures never entered, so it wasn't necessary to work around them. The most repulsive man and the most fit and attractive were both equally screw-worthy here.
Aki had just gotten into the groove, already having wrapped his lips around the head of the man's unimpressive anatomy with a good seventy-eight seconds left on the clock, when his ears picked up something.
Sighs were okay with Aki, as well as incoherent moaning. What startled him from his mental refuge was the man's grunted approval. He nearly spit out the throbbing erection from his lips.
"Nngh. That's good."
Aki continued on, hoping that would be the end of it, but the man spoke again.
"Oh.. Good boy."
Aki quirked a brow. Shut up. Just shut up. He most certainly was not a good boy, and he didn't need or want the encouragement. Aki hated any sultry dialogue that took place during acts of sex; a good yeah, you little slut was fine and fitting, but anything hedging toward affection or like was completely out of the question. That stupid crap was for lovers, not clients.
He never had the chance to go any further.
The man scooted backward, his erection slipping free of Aki's mouth and panting, he moved to his knees.
Aki's scalp began to itch, much like it did normally when a situation transitioned to downright creepy. He had to get this guy back on his ass so Aki could get back to business. He didn't get paid for this shit, after all.
"Relax, okay? I'll take care of-"
Aki was grabbed by his shoulders, lifted first to a sitting position and then shoved backward. Unable to use his hands to seek any balance, his back hit the carpeted floor and his breath was released with a whoosh.
Before he had a chance to recover from the reversal of power, let alone get in another mouthful of air, he was trapped beneath a heavy, warm mass.
Moist, clammy hands were everywhere, forcefully gripping Aki's side, pinching at his nipples, and eventually one slithered down his belly to roughly grab at the sensitive flesh between his legs, pumping at his limp member hard and fast. It hurt, and Aki grunted his distress, the reaction ripped from him.
Aki stared at the man hovering over him, unable to even glare properly in indignation, parting his lips to command the presumptuous stranger to stop, to let him go, and got as far as inhaling before the man descended.
There were no written rules as to how an encounter such as this one should proceed. Aki had never once considered that there should be.
Kissing was atypical, though. He never initiated any lip locks, nor did he anticipate any of his visitors doing so. Furthermore, could this could be called kissing? The guy mashed their lips together with frightening ferocity. He sucked Aki's lower lip into his own mouth-hard- and tugged at it with his teeth. A hand worked its way between the back of Aki's head and the floor, fingers locking into place and forcing him upward at the neck.
Those lips stayed busy. A tongue protruded, lapping at Aki's chin and cheeks. A random swipe even got him on the nose before the guy returned to Aki's mouth, worming his tongue between Aki's parted lips. His roaming hand abandoned Aki's abused flesh and resting on him fully, he began to thrust vigorously.
The zipper of his pants, still mostly in place, rasped over Aki's skin, and the alarm in his mind finally engaged, fight or flight mode activated.
Well, sort of. His spirit was willing, but his body refused to obey. Voluntary limbs remained pliant, easily manipulated by his visitor, but they were so heavy, and he couldn't for the life of him make them move on his own. Aki still understood implicitly what he should do; bite at the other man's tongue or lips, struggle, kick him between his legs, scream, make an attempt at rolling away, but nothing worked anymore. How could he even know that Aki wanted him to stop if he couldn't even express his distress?
Mister Computer Whiz became a wet blur.
His throat closed up, and even when the man pulled away for air, Aki was unable to draw in a good breath of his own. His chest heaved as he struggled to bring air into his lungs, choking and gasping, tears gliding steadily from the corners of his eyes and over his temples.
All activity ceased; the brutal thrusting, the roaming hands, the kissing.
Aki tried again, air flooding his throat and lungs. As he gasped frantically, spurred forth by the scant bit of air he'd obtained, the man pushed himself up, staring down at Aki in confusion.
All at once, he seemed to come back to his senses as he witnessed Aki struggling to breathe, tears saturating his cheeks, trembling violently.
"Oh my God." The man leapt to his feet, fingers working crazily with his button and zipper. "Are you-"
"Ugh." A halfhearted gurgle was all Aki could manage before he began to gasp in earnest.
That was all the man needed. He tore out of the open closet door, and seconds later, Aki heard a door slam.
Aki, miraculously able to move now, rolled to his side, head spinning, and stomach churning. The little bit of control he'd been able to hold on to since moving in with his uncle-he'd lost it. That chubby, unsuspecting, sweaty, virginal geek had it, whether he'd known or not. He couldn't lose that; that little smidgen of control over his visitors was all he had. His head still full, he wondered what had gone wrong. His sensitive skin was sore, particularly his inner thighs and groin, as well as his back. He was reluctant to try to move again. He stayed where he was, bringing his breathing under control and waiting for the tremors to stop.
They didn't. Not for a while, anyway. They stayed with him while he lay prone, spit and tears drying on his cheeks, until his time alone was interrupted. He clamped his eyes shut, his fingers balling up into fists involuntarily. Why am I here? Who- or what- hates me?
The slamming of the front door and then muted footfalls registered faintly in his ear; Uncle Hide was home. As if he'd been far away to begin with. He'd been close by, waiting for the other guy to make his exit before entering. Would Uncle have let the man go all the way in that fashion, had he not gotten frightened and fled?
Anger flared, but Aki didn't rise. There wasn't any reason to. He could easily remain in his current position while he fielded his uncle's questions and the random taunt. Any question or comment voiced in an angry manner toward his uncle would either ignored or garner punishment. Keeping his trap shut would bring about the most favorable result, sadly. He'd come to expect some combination of smug ribbing and harsh words of criticism regarding the way he handled his charges. On a good day, Aki could still look forward to ridicule, and since this tryst hadn't gone well…
He wouldn't disappoint his master any further. This was bad enough. Aki's feelings, his pain, his tears, held no value. Never had.
Aki raised his eyelids to slits and observed the doorway, his vision partially shuttered by lashes. His uncle filled the door frame, but Aki couldn't make out his face clearly, couldn't determine his exact mood. He would be cautious to avoid further physical aggravation but today, he found himself caring less than usual. All he wanted was to shoulder the negativity long enough to satisfy his uncle and take stock of his senses. No doubt, tomorrow might be more of the same, and for the first time in a long while, Aki thought of the following day with trepidation. He wanted to ask, to find out if he'd be blessed enough to be left alone, but it was smarter to say nothing.
Dimness disappeared as the doorway again allowed light to flood into the room. His uncle was approaching him. There was nothing. Strangely enough, his uncle simply produced a key before expertly unlocking and removing Aki's cuffs. When Aki made no move to rise, Uncle Hide stooped, lifting Aki into his arms as if he were an infant, and carrying him into the washroom.
He was deposited a bathroom stool and left to his own devices while his uncle busied himself. Detached, Aki watched him engage the wall spigot, wondering when the teasing would begin, more alarmed at the lack of it than he would have been if his uncle had ripped into him.
Aki was limp and docile the remainder of the evening, remaining still through his second shock of the day; his uncle scrubbing his body and hair clean before drawing him a bath. He didn't feel Uncle Hide's fingers sliding through his damp hair, didn't hear his voice. Aki could only fixate on his uncle's expression; his lips were pressed together, dark head shaking in consternation. The man was pissed but for once, Aki got the feeling his anger was directed elsewhere.
Still, Uncle Hide's hands were gentle and considerate, such a startling difference that Aki couldn't relax in the slightest. Those hands patted his body dry, blotted all of the excess water from his hair and restored it to order. His uncle prepared him for sleep; he was wrapped up in silk sleeping attire that covered him from neck to ankle, and pushed onto the bed while his uncle kneeled before him, urging socks over his slender feet, snowy in spite of his warm bath.
Uncle Hide didn't mention dinner but that was fine; Aki's stomach, in knots, couldn't have handled food. He was expected to go to bed, and Aki had no objection. The sun hadn't begun to set, but Aki didn't mind; he'd try.
Strange was the analogy of the body as a temple. Aki had made it through the years with no such feeling and regard for his own flesh and bones. Never considered that what was inflicted on his skin sunk through it, into his soul; if he had, there would have been no possible way for him to perform, though most of his visitors didn't take the liberty of excessively touching him. Maybe that was why Aki had never paid much attention, never claimed such ownership over his body and the rights it held. Even as a child, when Uncle Hide first expressed a sexual interest in him, Aki had no such concept in mind; all he'd known was that he didn't like the physical attention, but that he could endure it.
For the first time in a while, he allowed himself to reminisce. Mira never forced himself on Aki. Still, their coming together physically hadn't provided Aki with any sort of relief, any comfort. The only pleasurable aspect of that relationship was that Mira never sought to hurt him, pulling back if Aki hadn't done such a hot job of appearing eager.
A confused, overeager stranger had been a catalyst, causing a wave of consciousness to surge forth, the turbulent waters easing and crashing from one end of his brain to the other. He didn't want this anymore. At all.
Well, he'd never wanted it. He'd tolerated it, but now he wasn't as confident that he'd be able to continue without losing his mind.
The urge to leave took him. And not the walking out the door sort of leaving. Sure, he'd considered it before, but without much conviction. He could wait until his uncle was out of town on a work assignment and run, but running to his family would mean confessing, if his uncle didn't catch up to him before that. It was moments like this when the only way out that occurred to him was to cease existing. He could manage that, as long as he was quick and smart enough. He could find supplies sufficient for fashioning a noose or snatch up a kitchen knife, hole up in the washroom, run a bath, and then-
No. Aki had always tossed around the possibility in his head, but had never tried. Something begged him to hold on. So, what choice did Aki have, other than to continue?
Aki went to bed that night significantly shaken, ego in tatters, confusion reigning supreme.
Ueno was still resting in the same position as Aki shook himself from the memory.
Aki had now relived it twice in one night and he still had nothing to say. He needed to wrap his own head around the situation. The panic that seized him a good two hours ago had been as unexpected and startling for himself as it had for his Ueno. He'd never seen it coming, looking forward to this eventual encounter for weeks, convinced that it would go off without a hitch. The anticipation had been frustrating while also delicious, and the knowledge that the culmination of both his and Ueno's longing had resulted in this left him completely empty, abruptly deflated and defeated.
Aki, in his past years with his uncle, had kept his mouth shut and as such, surrendered control over his life, up to the point when he had finally told Uncle Hide off, gotten his cap knocked off, and had been tossed back into the world to fend for himself. Despite that, he'd always maintained control over his emotions and reactions with few exceptions. It was the very reason he'd been able to smile coyly in the faces of all of those strangers, and how he'd kept from descending into depression, of falling victim to a complete breakdown.
He'd never, ever anticipated losing control of his senses, of his own mind, particularly during sex. He'd been proficient at it with strangers, so why not with Ueno, whom he treasured to the point of stupidy? Ueno was the one individual with whom Aki felt completely safe, whom he trusted without question. Why would he react that way with him, of all people?
Aki's heartbeat began to thunder. He took a deep breath, and then let it out. He repeated this action over and over, but that sense of impending doom wasn't going anywhere. Even now, after he realized what had taken place, he still hadn't calmed down adequately. But at some point, he was going to have to speak.
What was Ueno thinking right now? Was he hurt, angry, or both? Would he understand what had occurred better than Aki himself? He understood everything else.
Aki spared a glance sideways, cautiously assessing the situation. His heart sank into his stomach.
He hadn't given much thought to the fact that he had, two hours previous, socked his man in the face. How he'd forgotten was beyond him. Ueno's coloring was normal for the most part, save for the affected area, which held a slight flush. Luckily, he hadn't appeared to do lasting damage, though it might be too soon to tell.
Aki rose to his feet and stepped toward the kitchen, where he unfolded clean a dish towel and dumped ice cubes into the middle, quickly fashioning an ice pack. He joined the ends of the towel, twisting them together and returning to the living area with his creation. He glanced briefly at the clumsily fashioned bundle in his hand, frowning at his attempt. His skills really were for shit. If Ueno had made this thing, it would have been the cutest, tidiest, most effective ice pack in the history of first aid items.
Ueno could do so much better than him. Some cute, sharp-minded girl with semi-long hair, quirky style, and a quick wit would be much easier to handle. Bonus points if she'd never been physically abused or mind-fucked in her short lifetime.
Still riding out the thought process, Aki trudged back to the couch. This time around, he arranged himself on the middle cushion, leaning in to survey his boyfriend's cheek more closely, biting his lip after viewing the swelling. Aki lifted his arm and at the sound of ice cubes clinking together within the towel, Ueno stirred, lifting his head as if in a daze.
Ueno's voice was hushed. "I got it." He moved to take the ice pack, and Aki drew back his arm.
Aki shook his head, raising his hand again once Ueno drew back. "Let me."
Ueno appeared frighteningly close to protesting, if his facial expression was any indication. Luckily, the words never came; he sat, rigid and tense, while Aki positioned himself comfortably. He remained still until Aki lifted the ice pack and applied it gently to his cheekbone, but unable to prevent his flinch once the cold pressure registered, and he gave a slight grimace, though he immediately stilled, folding his hands in his lap.
"I hope it isn't bad enough to bruise." Aki whispered his hope unconsciously.
"Mnn." Ueno agreed, just as quietly, eyes trained on an unknown object.
Aki wasn't sure how much time passed as held his ice pack, made with love, to Ueno's cheekbone. However short, the deafening silence made it seem like forever. When the ice began to melt, a tiny trickle of water running from his palm to wrist, Aki reluctantly withdrew. "I'll make another one. I should have used a bag anyway…"
"It's okay. It shouldn't be iced too long."
Aki was alarmed at Ueno's voice, monotone, distant, as if he was speaking to a thought or memory. "Do you need something for pain?"
"No."
It wasn't until Aki had hopped up to dispose of the melting mass that Ueno seemed to focus.
"Aki."
Aki paused at the sink. "Yes? Do you need anything else?"
Ueno shook his head, the movement slight. "I don't need anything. I'm sure you're tired."
Aki's sighed but shook his head as well, resolutely. "I'm really not. I was hoping that we could-"
"No."
"Ueno…"
"I can't." Ueno whispered his response.
Initially, Aki had desired to be alone and allow the dust to settle before they hashed anything out. The urge had been forgotten quickly once he'd resolved to minister to his boyfriend, and though he hated to leave Ueno at a time like this without clearing up earlier happenings, it was probably best that he go home. "M-maybe I should go back to my apartment for now."
Ueno nodded and leaned forward, lifting his cell phone from the low table. "I should call you a taxi."
Ouch. Aki had bitten down on his lower lip so hard he imagined that he'd tasted blood. If not outright opposition or protest, Aki had at least expected an offer to see him home, not that having Ueno accompany him to the hotel only immediately go home alone would have been fair. If Ueno hadn't been upset, he probably would have anyway, though.
Without another word, Aki headed for the bedroom to get his things. He hadn't packed much, just his toiletries, enough clothes for the weekend, and his homework. Still, he took his time getting ready. The less time they spent in the living room in awkward silence waiting for his ride, the better.
Luckily, his wait time was next to nothing. He didn't touch Ueno before he left, more afraid of Ueno's reaction than anything else. If Ueno brushed him off, batted him away, or looked repulsed in any way, it would have been Aki's undoing. Two short hours ago, they'd been progressing toward the pinnacle of physical intimacy, and now a kiss on the cheek seemed risky. The rejection would push him over the edge, and he didn't need to add that disappointment to his working list of humiliating experiences. One for the night was enough.
He only promised to call in the morning, and then out the door without looking back. It may have been callous and though his heart wanted to apologize for the hell he was putting them both through, Aki couldn't handle form the words.
Interesting how he could feel like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, and experience intense relief simultaneously. How was that even possible? He busied himself pondering that fact while his cab widened the distance between the two of them. Aki couldn't help but think that his random thought regarding their increased distance had come to him for a reason.
As the minutes passed, his breathing quickened. Shaking fingers came together, mingling until he was clutching at his own cold, stiff hands. Maybe he shouldn't have left. If he'd pushed his presence and refused to budge, Ueno wouldn't have forced him out.
Too late, he supposed.
But he realized that he was of no use to either of them until he got his head together. All of a sudden, though, Aki couldn't stomach the idea of returning to his apartment alone. He did need some time to himself, but his place was too big, too empty to feel comfortable at this point. Ueno had become a permanent fixture in every room; it would be odd to return there without his significant other. The two of them in that cozy apartment with their kitties- that was Aki's family.
"Right here is fine."
Before Aki could question his own intent, he was asking the cab driver to stop the car.
After he'd paid and exited the vehicle, standing at the curb under a light patter of rain, his shoulders slumped. He'd been too anxious to sit in the taxi any longer, but where was he going to go? There wasn't much open at this hour. Had his subconscious been telling him to take a walk or to sit alone at a park, perhaps? Visit an arcade? Get something to eat?
No. Aki's trembling returned. He knew exactly where he wanted to be right then. He didn't take the time to question his logic, and definitely didn't ponder why he didn't just instruct the taxi driver to reverse his direction. It didn't matter. A walk wouldn't kill him. He was going there, to face the man who was his whole world, on foot, determined to find relief, to make himself heard, understood, and his pain extinguished.
He couldn't leave things as they were. If he wanted a resolution to his turmoil, he had to make him listen, had to put his foot down. Aki needed his acceptance and his support. He needed to be understood before he could heal.
Already, the rain drops were growing in size, increasing in size and frequency. Spurred on by threat of becoming waterlogged, he put his legs into motion.
Never one to move with haste, Aki's quivering legs carried quickly him block after block, through intersections, past playgrounds and residential spots. He moved with purpose, until the complex he'd vowed to never set foot in again was in his sights.
Aki had to vent. He ached to rage, bare his soul, and be heard. Now.
Subtle, aren't I? Major shit should be hitting the fan shortly. Chapters 32-34 should be along soon!
