Disclaimer: I'm just a geeky fangirl that likes to play around; I own nothing.

The Long Way Home: Chapter 32


Aki's newfound freedom, unpredictably, hadn't ended up amounting to much of anything. Perhaps his failure to adjust shouldn't have the overwhelming revelation that it had turned out to be.

He had a home, a boyfriend, a comrade or two, his parents, and a future. Finally. Liberation should have been enough for him to heal, to bring him peace. Sure, knowing that he had all of those luxuries brought him happiness, enough to make him temporarily disregard his memories and hurt but tonight, he'd been dealt a blow. Why wasn't the fact that he was no longer tethered to his old life enough to calm him, comfort him?

Even more baffling was that he was just now beginning to unravel. Weeks and weeks of peace had led him to believe that the worst was over and that all he'd have to do is manage his memories but at the moment, he felt just as lost as he had when he'd been trapped in Uncle Hide's domicile and truly alone in every sense of the word.

Aki stood, surrounded by darkness combated only by streetlights scattered with exact precision, hands fisted at his sides, clenched tightly enough to inspire cramping in his fingers. Nails digging into his palms, he ignored the pain, staring at the building across the street. If looks could kill, that whole damn building would have burst into flames by now.

No distance is enough. It never will be, will it? He could take off to Brazil, hide in Russia. It wouldn't matter. Face-to-face or with hundreds of kilometers between them, he and Uncle Hide were always to be connected through their past.

Aki remained a prisoner. He realized that, after what had gone down with Ueno earlier in the night. Still, the realization made his insides drop, heated his cheeks, and robbed of the necessary vocabulary to put his emotions into words. The knowledge jolted him. Scars were a natural part of the healing process, but even the most unattractive of them eventually had to fade, to lighten, even if they never completely disappeared. How long would it take for his own to become less visible?

The worst period of his life had come to a close. His parents didn't hate him. Mira didn't hate him. He was in love. Ueno wanted him around, loved him back, made a killer kimchi and seafood pancake, and cuddled like a dream. Ueno listened to him, accepted his past, and wielded a dexterous tongue that never failed in sending a tingle to Aki's toes. Dammit, the angst was supposed to over.

Or maybe, just maybe, he needed the closure necessary for his wounds to eventually scab over. Was that it? They weren't exactly on the mend yet, perhaps. This was an unsettling realization, since Aki suspected the only way to get over this now was to go through something with his uncle. But what? Hashing this out wasn't even a possibility, and never would be. There would be no sitting down over tea, nibbling at petit fours and coming to a conclusion; there was none to be reached. They both knew who was at fault, who would remain traumatized, and who didn't give a shit. Aki knew he'd be a fool to expect an apology or a word of concern.

There was no resolution for their relationship. So, apparently, no fix existed for Aki. No way to handle his past except to endlessly ponder and be tossed along with his memories. He was sick and tired of handling those memories, of managing his mindset, his words.

He was no longer physically trapped in the condominium that stood in his line of vision. He'd been dismissed- ejected, really- from that pristine, impersonal bedroom, out of that closet, no longer punished by his indecisiveness, his cowardice. No more days played out staring at barren walls, sadness and the wonderings of what-ifs being his only company until he was needed. He no longer had to live in a cage of immorality, emotional abuse, and the constant expectation of performance. But the blasted memories rushing over him were just as horrific.

Since leaving, he had been afforded countless luxuries, though they didn't appear to be enough. Under the bandages, he was raw and aching, desperate for closure, answers. Those gifts weren't enough anymore, probably had never been, but Aki had been too busy wallowing in his newfound happiness and good fortune to notice. Losing himself in the beautiful, delightful blessing otherwise called Ueno, his troubles had been temporarily forgotten. Cuddling and kissing had been a frothy wall made of spun sugar, sweet but weak and easily dissolved by the slightest of disturbances.

He was pursuing his education, something he hadn't held much interest in until now. Luckily, he was the son of a man who had a way with words and close acquaintances at the university. That, paired with the fact that Aki had already taken and passed his entrance exams in the not-so-distant past, had allowed him a late entrance, unorthodox of a practice as it actually was. Luck had been on his side.

His father, no questions asked, moved him into a luxury apartment, instead of insisting that Aki explain himself or return to his familial house. He supposed his father could have easily and justifiably demanded that Aki secure his own living arrangements. But no; Aki enjoyed his very own living space rent free, with its spacious bedroom, hospitable atmosphere, privacy, and all the perks that came with hotel dwelling. His cozy apartment was a major comfort, filled with stylish furniture and accessories. He had all of his basic necessities and items he'd bought himself, picked out on his own. Such an insignificant advantage to most, Aki had grown to appreciate that freedom. His personality was free to be displayed in every room, if that's what he desired. He could be himself there. He could come and go as he pleased. It was truly amazing.

He'd been forgiven by Mira- eventually- and held tentative relationships with his mother and father. Aki knew, deep down, that his parents would do anything and everything for him, if he'd ever remove the barrier necessary for a more loving, open relationship. Even when Aki himself resisted, his family continued to make countless attempts to wrest a smile from his lips, a laugh from his belly, and a sparkle from his eyes. Strangely, more now than ever, Aki wished to give them what they'd been silently begging for, but his face and body were always frozen, set in stone, his throat closed off. And he understood why now; his guilt kept the walls erected and impenetrable.

Smiles, embraces, and gentle gazes only came easily with a select few, not that his family members weren't deserving, at least fundamentally. He'd punished his parents for not discovering the truth buried under his denial and deceit. It wasn't fair, and he understood now. Now that it was too late to prevent the unthinkable, now that the unthinkable had already occurred and settled into the past.

Aki heaved a grand sigh, unconsciously rubbing at both of his arms in an attempt to fight off the cold. He'd been an idiot, forgetting his jacket. If only he could stand at the curb and castigate himself in comfort and warmth. If he ripped himself apart for all of his wrongdoings, he'd be out here a while.

There were Usagi and Pepper too. Aki had whittled away so many moments watching them exist, smiling inwardly at their antics, warmed in ways he couldn't explain. Happiness took him over every time he held one of them, whenever he waved around a toy and watched them lose their minds in glee. Protective instinct was always present when he shook out their food, or even refreshed their water dish. Something about those mundane, daily tasks gave him a sense of purpose he'd never felt before. It made Aki- a battered, dirty, discarded sex toy- certain that he had something to offer the world. A life continued and benefited from his actions.

If Ueno could follow his current train of thought, he'd snort and call Aki an idiot for sure. Ueno called Aki names like that often, though idiot, dummy, and stupid became endearments when tempered with Ueno's honeyed, gentle voice, dripping with absolute affection and mirth. He would never insult Aki intentionally.

Under normal circumstances, anyway.

Ueno had so many valid reasons to leave, numerous bullet points of negatives that could and should justify him separating himself from Aki and his situations. He'd chosen to ignore them, or rather, blow past them as if they didn't matter or even exist. Perhaps Aki had been trying to follow Ueno's lead, taking pages from his book.

Ueno bore the brunt of loving Aki with a smile. Still, while resting in bed at night, Aki sometimes wondered when a life with these stressors would become too painful, too bothersome, and too heavy for Ueno. How much more weight before Ueno's knees buckled under the unreasonable load?

Aki had always been grateful. Their time together had never gotten old, mundane or routine. Ueno's arms around him always solicited a thrill. A simple, lopsided smile sometimes filled Aki with optimism and the incredulity that he was half of such a beautiful pairing, fate having sent him to such a precious existence. He rarely conveyed his sentiments to Ueno, partly to save Ueno from the embarrassment, but also because in less confident, darker moments, Aki was terrified that the vocalization of his good fortune and happiness would notify the powers that be, and having realized their error, his gift would be snatched away in an instant.

The idea hurt, almost a visceral pang. He could feel the eventuality that he'd feared now coming upon him. It was difficult to tell for sure, as the situation was in limbo, the conclusion elusive and unsure. Perhaps that's why he refused to answer his phone. So long as he didn't speak to Ueno, they were still technically in love, together, and happy, right? He'd possibly made the most terrible mistake ever by initiating sex with Ueno- at least at that point in time.

Aki longed for a do-over of this Saturday. He regretted his faulty judgment with the ferocity that logically accompanied hindsight. If he could take the night back, he'd remain by Ueno's side, happily and indefinitely celibate. Aki understood, standing there now, that while he had always desired his boyfriend and always would, his attempt had not been made with pure intentions.

Aki attempted to imagine his days from now on; puttering about his apartment, taking exams and writing papers, watching movies, shopping, walking to and from class- all without what had become his other half. A hollow sensation in his gut followed his musings.

How would I last? I can't even go to sleep without him anymore…

He'd live, of course. But how well, and in what state? Maybe Ueno would be fine without him, but Aki wouldn't be so lucky. A breath Aki had not realized he was holding puffed out from between his lips, propelled by the alarm that crept up and clenched him now. The reality of it all-

Aki shook himself free. He couldn't stand out here all night like a fool reduced to tears that were now attempting to seep from the corners of his eyes. But now what? Should he drive his fist into the car at the curb? Barrel his way into the complex and use the same fist to pound at the door until his uncle answered? Was he even home?

If his uncle even answered, then what? How could Aki communicate with a grown man with his uncle's sort of mentality, power, and sense of entitlement? How could Aki teach a lesson to someone who simply didn't give a fuck? What Aki had wanted, feared, and needed hadn't been of any significance to Uncle Hide before. How would anything Aki had to say possibly get through? How could Aki even articulate what was running through his mind and heart when years of constant inner struggles hadn't revealed the truth for himself? When and how would Aki even come to understand every way he was ruined? How could he make his uncle understand how completely screwed up his nephew had become?

How could he make Uncle Hide care? The bastard had treated him like a thing for years. And Aki was supposed to explain how his Uncle's behavior hurt, why raping his young nephew-a child who looked up to him and everything he did- was wrong?

And why did Aki even need the man to know? He wasn't worth the trouble.

Still, Aki wanted to show his uncle everything, despite lacking any sort of trust in him. He wanted Uncle Hide to hurt as much as Aki had, needed him to understand. How his separation from his sister hurt him more than he'd ever shared, their loving relationship forever ruined. How he ached to open up more to his parents in general, but a brick wall built with misplaced anger and hurt prevented his steps forward. How being so fundamentally flawed made a simple, loving interaction between Ueno and his own niece put Aki into panic mode before he had even realized what was taking place.

While he'd wandered around alone, that particular realization had come, and it had temporarily filled him with such anger that his face had gone hot and the bottom dropped out of his stomach. Ueno's niece, instinctively, would never expect harm to come to her. She, without understanding the reason or even what she was doing, trusted Ueno blindly, without question. She was safe sleeping in his arms. He wouldn't let her fall, would keep her warm and content, comfort her, would never allow an outsider to kill her spirit. She wouldn't know any different. And her trust was well founded. Why? Because Ueno would sooner die before he brought her- anyone- to harm.

Stupid realization. People don't fuck family- or children. As if I didn't already know that.

That realization wasn't profound. To Ueno's clan, cherishing family and catching them before they fell wasn't an ideal; it was natural order, apparent in the way they'd all bustled around and continued functioning while Ueno rested on the floor, his niece blissfully slumbering on his chest. Hell, Ueno had barely reacted when it happened, save to make sure she was securely placed. A second glance shouldn't be necessary.

The fact that such loving interaction between family members had Aki's hair standing on end was the problem. It angered him the most. Maybe he should tell his uncle that.

So many accusations, woes, and questions that led to the whole of why were at the tip of Aki's tongue, ready to be unleashed. Aki could inform his uncle that he was in love, and also loved by the most caring, compassionate, wonderful human being he'd ever met. Ueno was the only man Aki had ever willingly chosen and in some crazy, backward twist, Aki couldn't do with him what he'd done for a year with nameless individuals. Nameless, incalculable men. What sort of person could sleep with complete strangers and not the man he loved? A nut job, that's who.

How could Uncle Hide understand that his nephew was slowly ruining the individual he loved more than anyone he'd ever known? Or rather, why would he care? Could he comprehend how badly Aki disliked himself for doing it, while he didn't understand how to stop it? While Ueno's corruption continued, he'd no doubt keep trying to give Aki the comfort that he needed, while Aki was unable to give anything back but gratitude. Aki longed to take care of him too; the thought of Ueno losing his playful, diplomatic, understanding attitude made Aki sick to his stomach, but how was he to protect it, when his very presence was probably responsible for sucking his boyfriend dry?

He thought back to the time he'd seen Uncle Hide last; the same night he'd finally confided in Ueno and revealed the ugly truth. Ueno had soothed him completely, his mind accepting, his touch gentle. He'd told Aki, in a soft, mellow voice, that he was proud of him- of all things. It was exactly what he'd needed to hear. Aki was weaker than most would assume; he would now no sooner willingly remove himself from Ueno than he would sever his own limbs, and he'd been so relieved that Ueno hadn't tried to run.

He loosened his fists, flexing his fingers and taking repeated, steadying breaths.

Talking to Uncle Hide would accomplish nothing. Any reaction other than mocking would be sheer fantasy. Aki was only fooling himself. His uncle was all too aware of the mess Aki had become. Uncle Hide was probably wallowing and luxuriating in those facts. If he ran upstairs and unleashed his fury, he'd probably just add to the satisfaction.

Aki had asked himself in the past exactly why he'd never lashed out, never made his uncle's transgressions public as a child. While he'd known his uncle's actions weren't appropriate, he'd never carried out what he knew to be the only solution. He knew why he refused now; in addition to the utter humiliation he would suffer, the barrage of questions to answer, the stress his entire family would suffer and having to admit he'd thrown his sister under the bus in favor of Uncle Hide, he'd have to watch as the relationship his father had worked diligently to develop and maintain go up in smoke. His actions were too far gone. Unsure of when he'd begun to care so much, he acknowledged that he did. And so here he was, outside of the sick bastard's domicile, still desperate to communicate, somehow.

For a man to discover how his beloved baby brother and only son carried on was going to pack a wallop of such proportion that even Aki couldn't imagine it; he just knew his father would suffer devastation beyond comprehension. In spite of his parents and their willingness to accept any and everything, there had to be a line somewhere. Aki's relationship with Uncle Hide had to fall on the other side.

As if it mattered at this point. What he craved most days was to simply be left alone, with the exception of Ueno's company, companionship that was sometimes his only comfort. He couldn't remember the last time he'd craved the attention or affection of anyone else in over a year. But he jeopardized even that, and beyond repair.

Aki and his past would put strain on any relationship. Add to that the fact that while Aki had wandered, first aimlessly and then with unconscious purpose to his uncle's apartment, Ueno had called twice. Aki had silenced both attempts. Explaining his whereabouts to Ueno wasn't likely to be easy, but he acknowledged that he was adding more stress by distancing himself.

Ueno must have been calling to make sure that Aki had made it home safely; Aki had promised to be careful when he'd left the apartment, but Ueno was Ueno, after all. If he'd taken a cab all the way to his apartment, as he'd promised, he would have already been safe at home. His boyfriend worried, with more reason than usual tonight. He'd been so anxious to get out that he'd left his bag behind; maybe Ueno was calling about that, as well.

He had also, unfortunately, forgotten his jacket in Ueno's bedroom. He always felt the cold easily, but tonight Aki hadn't been bothered by his forgetfulness in his unstable state until a raindrop landed on the tip of his nose. Much like everything else, he'd end up paying for that mistake later, probably.

He needed to apologize for running out without a valid explanation, for his unexplained freeze-up earlier, and most of all, for the weeks of behavior that Ueno had handled with a grace and patience Aki could never live up to himself, but knew simply had to be taking a toll on Ueno as well.

Goals were in place, but Aki remained rooted to the slab of pavement beneath his feet. It was likely his uncle wouldn't care to listen, but for the first time ever, Aki was ready to stand up for himself. Why this urge came after his freedom, he wasn't sure.

The complex, upscale and looming, stood before him, directly across the street, daring him to face his demons. He was important, worthy of humanity, and damn Uncle Hide for handling him as if he didn't matter. Aki took a deep breath, and then a mechanical step. Whether Aki would scream his uncle down or try an unexpected punch to the face was unclear, but it didn't matter. Uncle Hide needed to feel shame. He needed to hurt. He deserved humiliation. Aki shouldn't have to bear it alone.

Entertaining his yearnings, he wondered which prison system would be more appropriate. Japanese prisons were pretty strict, but as Aki understood it, having never been committed, prison violence was a rarity. Did he long more for Uncle Hide to be victim to a disturbed, sexually repressed cellmate that targeted convicted child molesters like the ones he'd seen in foreign prison documentaries, or would he rather his uncle be bound and lapping up food like a starving pet as punishment for disobedience?

How long would they keep him? Oh, or maybe he would be sentenced to execution.

Aki ignored the improbability. He continued to fantasize. Maybe he would get lucky and his uncle would reach his well-deserved death by way of a festive hanging. Or a firing squad. He questioned the odds of authorities allowing him to volunteer as one of the gunmen. He could look Uncle Hide in the eye, and there would be no way his uncle couldn't know that he was getting precisely what he deserved. A punishment fit for-

His phone came to life in his pocket, purring and vibrating insistently, yanking Aki back to reality. Those fantasies were dangerous; for any of them to come to fruition, Aki would have ruin the remainder of his family- a definite no-no.

Aki again felt the cool moisture of rain pelting at his cheeks and forehead. It took a jarring few seconds for him to fully let go of the fantasy-for the time being- and dig his phone out, opening the flip. If he didn't pick up this time, Ueno very well might send out a search party.

He was low on oxygen, his mouth and throat suddenly dry, his tongue strangely swollen. "Hi."

"Where are you?"

"I told you I was going home." Aki could pick up on the worry in Ueno's voice, though it was low and terse, and the urge to cry grew stronger. He turned away from the complex and began to walk back the way he came, chalking his resolve to curse his uncle up one side and down to other up to temporary insanity. If he was going to say anything to his uncle, it couldn't be in anger, and he had to think it through first. Never mind the logistics of talking to a man like him. Aki lifted his free hand and patting his head briefly, realized his hair was soggy. Getting home and dry was now the priority; a cold on top of everything else was one of the last things he needed.

"Are you hiding under your bed? I've checked everywhere else in the apartment. Where are you, then?"

Sarcasm- from Ueno- wasn't good.

"Walking."

"Walking? You left in a cab. It's after three in the morning, completely dark, raining, you didn't tell anyone where you were headed and you're out taking a stroll? And," Ueno added, his voice elevated to a level Aki hadn't been lucky enough to have become familiar with, "I know you're not wearing a coat, because you left it at my place."

"I- I couldn't go home yet. I know, I know. I wasn't thinking clearly." Aki's fingers clenched again. "I-."

"Got it." Ueno sounded miserable, exhausted. "I'm going home now."

Aki heaved a deep sigh, bowing his head on the exhale. "N-no. I know I made you angry, but I have to see you." Stupid to say so, since he was the one that had suggested parting ways.

"I don't think I can-"

"You don't have to talk if you don't want. But there are some things I need you to know, and they can't wait." Aki paused to formulate a quick plan. "Please hear me out. You're at my apartment, right?"

"I was. I just left. I'm going home now."

"No, wait. Please, just wait. I know it's late, but there's that twenty-four hour coffee house a couple of blocks away from the hotel- can you meet me there? Please?" Not as private as, say, his apartment, but for some reason, he still wasn't ready to go back.

Seconds ticked by, and Aki wondered if Ueno would behave contrary to his nature. Would he actually refuse to come?

Aki instantly focused his brain on a backup plan. Ueno was heading home, so all Aki had to do was beat him there, wait at the door, and force Ueno to hear him out. Even an angry Ueno wouldn't order him out or attempt to forcibly remove him.

"Okay." Ueno's voice definitely lacked enthusiasm, but Aki would take what he could get. Reluctance was better than rejection for sure.

"Thank you. I'll get there as fast as I can. Thank you, thank you." Aki hurriedly disconnected, shoved his phone into his pocket, and urged himself into motion. He could get there quickly enough on foot, but he was freezing and soaked, so he only jogged far enough to locate another vacant cab. He had the money, he was too cold and wet for this shit, and he needed to see Ueno's face as quickly as possible.


For a coffee house located on in a district lined with architecture ascending into the clouds, it was odd for it to have its own building, and even more odd how it sat against the other businesses. It resembled a hut, squat in comparison, but still always crowded during the day. That observation was the only attention Ueno gave to the exterior before swinging open the door and stepping into instant, overwhelming warmth.

This late at night, the occasional college student seeking a quiet place to study that had an endless supply of caffeine on the ready might be curled up here, the whirring of an espresso machine accompanying a lone student's furious keystrokes tapping out a last-minute term paper. Tonight, though, the café was blessedly empty, save for the lone barista who had obviously been fighting off sleep on a stool before Ueno entered; the weary employee dutifully shot to his feet to wait on his customer. Ueno gave the barista a wave that he hoped conveyed a no worries message, and parked his butt in a cushioned chair at a table against a window. It was as far away from prying ears as was possible; with the distance and comforting purr of idling café machinery, Ueno was confident Aki's soft spoken words would be difficult for anyone else to pick up.

He set Aki's bag on the table top. At least now he had the opportunity to return it. With the way Aki left and the uncertainty of when they would see each other again, he had no idea when he'd have another chance, as negative as the thought was.

Though he'd initially attempted to weasel his way out of this meeting, he waited for Aki to show up with a perfect blend of raging curiosity, impatience, and trepidation. Kind of like watching a train wreck; he knew he wasn't going to appreciate what Aki had to say, especially right now, but at the same time, couldn't bear to not know what had occurred at his apartment.

Hell yeah, he wanted to know what had happened between them. There was a part of him that knew his own intentions had been pure-if one could put love that manifested into lust in the pure category- and that he would in no way willingly hurt his boyfriend. But that nagging, high-pitched voice in the back of his mind kept reminding him that he'd done something, intentional or not. A reason had to exist for Aki's behavior and despite his embarrassment at being run out on during foreplay, not knowing had to be worse.

Propping his elbows on the table and resting his chin in his open palms, Ueno attempted to wait with the patience always expected of him. That's what he was; patient, easy going and warm. Diplomatic, against jumping to conclusions. Understanding, always willing to lend an ear. Helpful, compassionate, always concerned for others and always willing to put their needs above his own because hell, that's who he was.

It's who he'd always wanted to be, anyway.

And he tried. Hard. It was now easy to toss away his real opinions and urges toward the back of his mind, sometimes far enough away that he didn't pull them back out to nurse his own needs after others were fulfilled. But, it was best not to go down that road, especially right now.

Ueno felt sorry enough for himself already, though he knew his feelings were juvenile and selfish. His boyfriend had experienced what Ueno could only categorize as a panic attack with his beginner knowledge of the subject. No matter how confused Ueno was, or how he was just barely functional in the face of utter humiliation in the aftermath of rejection, Aki was probably doing worse.

Ueno had to sit on his mortification and keep quiet. It had no place here. A person who lost a toe would be foolish to whine about the pains of his injury to a person who'd lost a leg.

But, of course, knowing what he needed to do with his emotions and keeping them in check were two very different things. When he was successful, though, life was much more peaceful, and his interactions with others were a smooth glide that always ended favorably. If he told Mira that he was an egotistical maniac who got his jollies exploiting the shame and insecurity of others, what then? If he told Haruki that it would be nice to receive a phone call that didn't include the subject of borrowing Ueno's notes or requesting advice about how to deal with his latest piece of ass, Ueno would be an insensitive asshole.

He was of no use to anyone when he spent nice, quiet moments of solitude in his apartment, listening to music that he liked, enjoying his favorite food, decompressing, or rolling around on the floor with furry critters. These were thoughts that he didn't allow himself to entertain often; they only served to drag him down in the doldrums and siphon away his spirit. Always keep the lid shut.

But dammit, being nice sucked sometimes. A battery kept a cell phone going, but at some point, the gadget had to be plugged in and allowed the proper time to recharge. To function properly, it had to feed from some other source.

And in his darker moments, he questioned why such appreciative people who complimented Ueno on his stamina, good nature, intelligence and helpfulness never provided an outlet for him to plug into whenever his reserves were at five percent.

He usually neglected to mention that when it rained, it poured. His pity parties were rare, but crazy dramatic. Ueno might call them doozies, even, in hindsight. Though he was normally optimistic, when he was caught in the throes of depressing thoughts, they ran deep.

Following those darker moments was usually shame, because he wasn't supposed to feel that way. Good people who helped for the sake of helping and nothing else should never be bitter about what they did for others. Those with pure intentions, that helped selflessly, weren't supposed to expect reward. His brother told him that often enough, when they were still in contact, before he'd extracted himself from the family to follow his dreams and become the epitome of holiness. Somewhere in the fucking forest where Ueno couldn't reach him anymore. Kenta was perfect. Ueno had always thought so.

Big brother, I think I've completely screwed up my dharma. What now?

Ueno tiredly scrubbed a palm over his face. Strange how he was tired beyond compare, but knew that when he hit the bed, there was no way in hell he was going to be able to rest. He needed to run, asinine at this time of night, but he was in need of dog tiredness that even his rampant thoughts couldn't control.

An electronic chime announced the arrival of another patron. Ueno sat up straight, fairly positive that it had to be Aki, though he chose not turn his head and confirm it. Aki's bag, full of his necessities and weekend clothing sat before him, and he decided that was as good of an object to stare at as any.

Until the sound of Aki clearing his throat right next to him was impossible to ignore. Ueno then lifted his gaze-

Crap.

Aki looked worse than Ueno felt. Aware that Aki had left his jacket behind, he was still jolted at the sight of his waterlogged significant other. His jeans and two layers of t-shirts were soaked through. His skin, always pale, had lost its usual accompanying glow. His hair was weighed down with the elements, rain water yielding from the ends to drip onto his trembling shoulders. He stood, stiff and straight, but so lacking in surety and confidence that Ueno felt compelled to apologize for the entire night right then.

Aki was likely to get sick at this rate. They needed to remedy that first; the painful chat could wait a few minutes, Ueno supposed. Aki was cranky enough when he was cold or uncomfortable, and Ueno didn't want to discover what Aki was like when he fell ill.

Ueno jumped up, almost causing his chair to topple. "You're soaked. Here." He grabbed the straps of Aki's bag, thrusting it at its owner, but even with the distraction, it was impossible to disregard Aki's disheveled, bedraggled appearance.

The most disturbing part of Ueno's perusal, however, was the wide, stark set of Aki's gorgeous, crimson eyes. They were always beautiful and addictive if one stared too long. Usually, gentle emotion was always visible in them; Ueno could always tell by looking into Aki's eyes when he was truly smiling-his lips weren't always curved upward in a perpetual grin like Ueno's were- and when he was experiencing an overage of emotion. They had the capacity to make an unsuspecting person fall hard.

But at the moment, they were dull, blank even. They refused to look down at the offered bag, instead staring at Ueno, unwavering. "I-"

"All of your stuff is in there. You'll get sick if you don't dry off." Ueno's words were firm, leaving no space for protest. "Change first. I'll wait for you."

Aki bowed his head, his sigh rueful, if a sigh could be deciphered in such a way. He lifted a pale hand, slender fingers flexing against stiffness, and wearily accepted the bag by the straps. Without a word, he turned and shuffled, no haste in his movement, to the restroom.

Ueno stood, finally approaching ordering counter, glad that he'd only been right outside and had the mind to run back into Aki's apartment to grab the bag he'd just dropped off after confirming their meeting. Aki could use something warm even after drying off, so he busied himself ordering tea for both of them.

With at least the next few minutes to himself while their drinks were prepared and Aki bundled up, Ueno returned to his seat.

Aki had something to tell him. Despite what had gone down earlier, Ueno was clueless as to exactly what Aki needed to say. The possibilities were innumerable, really. Aki could simply want to apologize. Or-

Or he could have asked Ueno to meet him to explain why their relationship wasn't going to work out after all. A date to break up properly. He'd tell Ueno that he'd tried hard, that Ueno was a wonderful person, and that he really wanted them to be close, that he'd thought he could be in a relationship, but after tonight, he'd realized it wasn't possible. He was too broken, too wary. That after what had happened, he wouldn't be able to touch Ueno again without remembering the incident. Aki would state that he was so, so sorry, but perhaps they could try to be friends.

But there was no way in hell he could follow through on that agreement. Friendship would be impossible, though he supposed pretending would work; giving off the illusion that Ueno was okay with absolutely everything was his life's work. He wouldn't exactly call himself a martyr, though; life was just easier if he wasn't burdened by the thought of upsetting other people or making them uncomfortable. He couldn't stomach the idea of Aki trying simply for Ueno, and he would never force Aki into that situation with his own neediness.

Causing other people trouble set his scalp to itching, and was the precise reason why he didn't ask others to help him out. Of course, his staunch self-reliance had a downside; it meant no one pushed him to accept help, and Ueno's struggling never caused people concern. Hell, he dug himself out of holes on a regular basis, and was almost always cheerful when he did it. He'd be shocked to discover that anyone had noticed his distress in the first place.

It was self-imposed, and didn't always make for a happy existence, though life had remained consistent for a long time. And he had the utter nerve to feel somewhat deflated when no one rose to the occasion, though he'd never expected it from anyone. Ueno constantly set himself up for disappointment.

What idiot made himself known for being competent, happy, self-reliant and stable, only to turn down a random attempt, and then feel let down when someone didn't see through the mask? Just him. Why create a wall that he was desperate for someone to break through anyway?

Ugh. He was sitting here, whipping himself up while waiting for an inevitable bomb to drop. He was pathetic and dark, stupid and fake. Ueno had no idea what he was starving for in doing this, really, but no matter what he did in life, his stomach forever rumbled. Life with Aki had temporarily silenced it, but not completely or permanently.

Aki appeared more quickly than Ueno had expected. Startled at the blur, he jerked his head upward, startled to notice that their tea had also been served. When the hell had the barista approached his table? He had been too far down the road of his thoughts and self-castigation to notice or express his thanks. Maybe he had thanked the guy without even thinking about it.

Ueno shook his head to clear out his unrelated thoughts. "Better?"

Aki nodded, the motion stiff. He dropped his bag to the floor before pulling out his chair and easing into the seat. "Thank you."

"Yeah." Ueno chewed his lower lip, not all prepared for whatever was to come, but desperate for the distraction. He pushed one of the cups of tea toward someone he hoped fervently would still be his boyfriend after tonight.

Aki managed a tiny smile, immediately curving his hands around the cup, more for warmth than anything else, seemingly. As Ueno watched, Aki's struggle broadcasted like a marquee, impossible to miss and distressing. He waited, quietly, for Aki to get his head together.

"Ueno."

"Yeah?" He was chilly, his fingers stiff and aching. Ueno grabbed for his own cup, mirroring Aki's earlier action.

"I- you must think-" Aki bowed his head, taking a deep, audible breath. "I'm sorry."

Ueno couldn't force a reply.

"For everything. I didn't plan for that to happen. I really w-wanted to. T-to be with you."

Of course he hadn't. Who planned a panic attack? It seemed an absurd thing to apologize for.

"I'm not sure what to say first, what can help, b-but… well, tonight, when we were together, I remembered something. I hadn't thought of it since it happened, but tonight for some reason, it came back to me."

Ueno lifted his head, curiosity dominant now.

"I-it happened a month or so before you and I met." Aki spoke softly, likely unable to be heard over the gentle whirring of machinery surrounding the barista and only other body in the softly lit café. "Or close enough to it, probably. I didn't keep track of time so well when I lived with my uncle, anyway."

"You need to warm up. Drink some of that." Ueno gestured to Aki's disregarded cup, watching as his boyfriend first took a tentative sip, and then another. "Okay. I'm listening. What happened to you?"

"My uncle had left me alone, just like the day you found me and I.. I heard someone come in. A man, one of those tech obsessed types who I'm guessing worked for a computer consulting company somewhere in the city. He didn't know my name like you did, but he let himself in, and went straight to the spare bedroom- my uncle's study- and found me on the floor. Same old."

Aki examined his drink, making no further attempt to drink.

"I did what I was supposed to. He was stuttering, shaking a little, and I thought he might try to run. But I knew what to do. I talked him down, nice and easy, and asked him to untie me as well as he could. He relaxed right away, and I remember thinking to myself, that this was going exactly how it should. I estimated how long it would take to get him ready, how long it would be until we finished, and I was positive that I had him placed correctly, that I knew what he would do in response, everything."

Ueno watched as Aki lifted a hand, raking trembling fingers through his hair, still damp with rainwater. Briefly questioning why they were sitting someplace public while Aki relived this, he determined that Aki was probably too distressed to pay attention to that fact, and that he hadn't necessarily known that he was going to go down this path, anyway.

"I got started, but he didn't behave the way I figured he would. He got into it fast, knocked me onto floor. Got on top of me…" Aki's voice lowered, easing into incomplete sentences, which Ueno was learning to be an indication that Aki was not only recalling the past, but actually interacting with it. "Kissed me. Hard, all over. God, he was terrible. At first I was just surprised, but when I tried to move, I felt so weak. It was like I was weighed down. I felt so heavy.. And light at the same time. I couldn't breathe, couldn't talk. I remember wondering what a heart attack felt like, if that's what was happening to me then. He grabbed me-m-my.. Down there. I know now that I was irrational and panicked, but I was scared that I was going to die. Right there. Naked, under this fat, slobbery computer guy that I knew nothing about, while he did what he wanted to me. A c-complete stranger."

The edges of Ueno's vision were fuzzy, and over the strange roaring between his ears, Aki's voice faintly registered. He'd been attacked. Helpless, while a random stranger manhandled him. He tried to imagine the thoughts and fears he would experience in such a situation and came up completely blank.

"Anyway, I probably could have spared you some of the details, but when I froze up on you earlier, it wasn't you I was afraid of."

"And after?" Ueno heard a voice he didn't recognize as his own, hoarse and cracking. "What did he do after that?"

"He jumped off of me, eventually. He didn't notice what I was going through at first, I don't think. But when I started to lose my breath and panic, all of a sudden, I think he realized that I was freaking out. He took off."

"And left you there?" Ueno hissed those words, though immediately after, in the back of his mind, he couldn't shake off the tinge of familiarity. What right did he have to be outraged by this?

"What else was he supposed to do?" Aki spoke softly, smiling that sad little smile that twisted at Ueno's insides. It was a smile of grim acceptance toward facts that couldn't be changed.

"H-he.." Ueno trailed off at a loss.

I could have stayed behind. I should have stayed behind. How could I have left someone, defenseless and used, there to keep suffering? I ran to safety, and didn't even try to help him.

Ueno pressed the heels of his palms to his closed eyelids in order to stop the burning. Good God, this totally sucked on about one hundred levels. He had absolutely no right to pass judgement on the guy. "And then?"

"My uncle came home."

"He was angry?"

At the soft huff suspiciously close to laugh, Ueno uncovered his eyes and lifted his gaze.

"That was the strangest part." Aki spoke in a faraway voice, eyes half-lidded, head tilted at the memory. "I could tell he was angry. Furious. But I can't remember him ever coming to get me the way he did that day. He came in, untied me, and picked me up. By then, I'd calmed down some. I was exhausted. I don't think I could have gotten up on my own; I felt drained and far away, out of my body. He picked me up and carried me into the bath. He didn't say anything, and I was too tired to even try, but he took care of me. He cleaned me off, and then gave me a bath. He was quiet, gentle, and right then, I felt like he might hold me, play with my hair, tell me everything was going to be fine, that nothing was my fault, that he was sorry, anything. Right then, he felt like family, and it screwed with my head more than anything I'd done with all those other men, more than everything my uncle had done to me before."

Aki sighed shakily. "Right then, I felt protected. God, it was weird. I wanted it so bad from him for so long, but I hated him so much all at once. Not like it mattered; it was the first and only time he ever took care of me that way. I don't even know why he was so mad." Aki bowed his head after that final statement, settling into silence.

Ueno ached to shower Aki with words of sympathy, of love, of promises that he would never, ever go through that hell again. But it seemed all he was able to voice were inquiries. "U-um, I don't understand. I mean, I get what happened, I guess, but what made you remember it tonight of all nights?"

Stupid question, maybe. If Ueno had been in Aki's shoes, he wouldn't forget the experience as long as he lived. But if Aki had somehow managed to tuck the memory away, what had brought it back to him at the exact moment?

Aki straightened. "I saw him again."

"When?" Ueno could feel his own body go rigid. "What did he do? Did he find you somehow?"

"Monday, I went to that bookstore alone, and we met for dinner after. Remember?"

Ueno gave a short nod. He remembered. Aki had been kind of quiet at dinner, but he got that way sometimes. He hadn't realized anything was amiss.

"He ran right into me while I was leaving. Stared at me like he'd seen a ghost. Complete coincidence. He wanted nothing to do with me- he ran out of there as fast as he could. Can't blame him. It's funny, isn't it?" Aki's voice wasn't animated, and he clearly wasn't expecting a reply, only musing. "This guy could have a boyfriend or girlfriend. He could be married, or even have children. How do you go back to your normal life after almost assaulting someone you saw tied up on the floor? How do you go to work or class the next day? How many people left that apartment ashamed, or with some twisted complex? How many straight men considered what we did cheating, or started questioning their sexuality? Hated themselves?"

He met Aki's eyes and physically stifled a wince at the turbulence he found in their ruby depths.

"How many lives did we screw up? It's impossible for me to tell. Or maybe I'm thinking of myself too highly, and most of them were fine afterward. And I guess it's stupid to feel bad about it now, as if I could do anything to fix the damage." Aki ran a pale finger along the rim of his cup, pursing his lips as he pondered his own words. "But I do. I don't remember feeling guilty at the time. It was easier to hate them. So long as I was tied down and helpless, they were hurting me. I could play along, but I couldn't keep them from coming in. As long as they took the bait and played along, they were getting what they deserved."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" Aki gazed at him, confusion molding his expression. "I'm the one who-"

"I don't know. How did I not notice you were suffering like that? I-" Ueno didn't know exactly what to do, what he could say. He couldn't even pinpoint how he felt at the moment. He had no fix.

"I didn't tell you. Nothing made sense to me. Still doesn't. I was a mess all week, Ueno. I was on edge. Everything got me thinking; what happened with that guy and other men, your niece-"

"What about my niece?" Ueno cocked his head. What the hell?

Aki's eyes widened, and it was obvious that he hadn't meant to make his thoughts known.

"Aki," Ueno spoke carefully, deliberately, "what do you mean?"

Aki took a while to speak, raking both hands through his hair and taking deep, steadying breaths. "It's not that I would ever think of you doing anything like.. Uncle Hide does. When she was sleeping on you, though, I just- I had a bad thought. A reaction, I guess."

"A reaction to what?" All she'd done was nap on him. Most of the little kids in his family used him as a makeshift bed at one point or another. That's what babies did.

"I don't know, really. I just got scared for a second. Like I wanted to tell you to leave her alone, to not hurt her."

His older sister's baby girl. His niece. A little slip of a person who reduced Ueno to giggles whenever she made a sound. The tiny imp who spent a month in the neonatal intensive care unit immediately following birth. His cute little princess who projectile pooped on Ueno's favorite hoodie the first time he changed her diaper and all he could was cheer at her success.

He'd cried like a baby himself one they'd all been informed she was out of the woods, finally able to be taken home after a month of observation and treatment. Ueno loved that little shit with everything in him. He was horribly close to losing his stomach all over the table. His scalp itched, his skin immediately hot. Aki had been frightened-however brief- of Ueno hurting his cherub of a niece. "I don't understand-"

"I don't either, because I already know that you would never hurt anyone, especially a child. Never. I know that. I can't call it anything but a crazy reaction. It doesn't make sense to me. Uncle Hide didn't even touch me when I was that small- I didn't even know him then- so I can't explain it. All I can say is through that whole week after I saw that guy again, I was constantly trying to kill all these weird thoughts, and maybe that's where it came from. It didn't happen the last time I was with your family. It never happened when I saw my family, either. But I swear, I don't see you that way. I never would." Aki finished, panting as if out of breath.

That wouldn't have surprised Ueno. Aki had used more words in the last fifteen minutes than he normally employed in a full day. Intellectually, he understood what Aki was saying, but the admission still stung. And still, his heart and gut were squeezed tight, the fingers of mortification clenching at them.

He didn't get it. Aki feared for the safety of Ueno's niece, and instinct had caused him to protect her from her own family. The damage still present from Aki's past was unfolding, more terrifying than Ueno could ever have imagined. That past had, at least temporarily, caused Aki to view Ueno as a potential threat, had made Aki see him as an attacker. And there had to be more to it than that. Just because Aki didn't fully understand and couldn't explain what sent him into that mode didn't mean there was no deeper meaning.

God. It was possible that he himself had done something to jump start Aki's fears to life in both situations, to send him to the memory he had become trapped in, and to equate Ueno to Aki's uncle. Probable, even. Ueno stared past Aki, at a blank window that refused to yield what lie past it. He replayed the conversation that had just taken place. What had he said? Or done? Aki had come onto him, not the other way around.

Once he gave it a second, the similarities between Ueno and this random computer guy weren't hard to find. The memories of their first and only time together flooded his brain, and he recalled how Aki didn't wish for any participation on Ueno's part, only wanted him to sit back and take what was given. To obey, to play along, or else. But Aki had also responded nicely when Ueno ignored his softly spoken wishes and willingly participated. Caught up in the moment, sheathed in delightful, tight heat, he'd forgotten where he was, that Aki-chan was a complete stranger, that Ueno fallen into a trap. Ueno had given into temptation, caught in the moment. The memory of the encounter still brought the tingles to his limbs.

Oh.. Oh.

The stranger of Aki's memories- how was he any different from Ueno? Aching to bury himself in softness and giddy with wonder and affection, he'd taken control- and robbed Aki of it, consequently.

And Ueno had the nerve to be turned on by it afterward, to daydream about them being together again, albeit without restraints while on a nice, cushy bed.

His eyes burned, and his throat smarted the way it did right before he fell victim to a cold, as if pebbles were lodged in it. He'd done this.

"Ueno?" Aki whispered his name, his eyes shining, his skin pale, expression wrecked. "There was no other way than for me to tell you what happ- no easy way, um… This is all my fault. I need you to know that. I just wanted to explain to you why I think I reacted the way I did. I mean, I don't know for sure, but I'm positive that you had nothing to do with it. I.. "

The muted lighting was suddenly much too bright. With no thought behind the action, Ueno shoved himself backward, chair scraping against the floor, the screech startling the man across from him. Stiff legs heaved him upright. "I- I'm-"

"No." Aki covered his mouth, the word emerging in a sob. "Don't, Uen-"

He didn't advise Aki to call him to check in when he got home, to be careful out in the rain, or to wear his jacket. He didn't tell Aki that he'd call or see him later. He didn't drop a term or statement of endearment. He couldn't. It had been impossible to utter even an apology, though good God, he should have. What did come out was clumsy, insensitive in hindsight, and so completely wrong while being completely true. Still, it came, without contemplation.

"T-this. Us. Isn't working."

Though it wasn't Aki he sought to escape from as much as himself, it didn't matter.

He raced to the door, flung it open and propelled himself through the opening.

With the unforgiving rain beating down on him, he ran like hell.