Santana's eyes could have fried an egg from across the room. Kurt was glued to the doorway completely clueless as to where Santana's rage was coming from. Cautiously he stepped forward as if Santana was about to pounce. They weren't the only two people in the room, Kitty Brit was also there, prowling around on all fours.
"What? What's going on?"
"That!" Santana flung a pointed finger across the room. Kurt followed it to find a black contraption in the far corner of the room. Kitty Brit had hoisted herself up into the sling.
"Huh?" Kurt was confused. It took a moment for Kurt to realise what it was.
"Kurt, it's a sex swing!"
"What are you doing putting a sex swing in the living room?" Kurt cried to Santana, thinking it was hers?"
"It's not mine you twit!"
"Well, it's not mine either!" Kurt screamed back. A realisation flushed over both their faces. The cursed her name at the same time.
"Rachel."
"Kitty Brit, get down from there." Kurt shoed Kitty Brit off the swing. "Who knows what bodily fluids are on here."
"If you're worried about body fluids, you're going to have to clean the sofa, the chairs, basically every surface. The man never wears clothes." Santana hoisted Kitty Brit under the arm pits and dragged her away from the swing like a child would drag away a very fat cat. Kitty Brit meowed in retaliation.
"This is a problem."
"You're telling me. For the past two weeks you've been out of the country and since you've come back you've been in your study den. I've had to deal with Rachel and her Dom boy-toy. It's driving me insane!"
"What do you want me to do about it?"
"You're her best friend, that's your department."
"You're the apartment's queen bitch, kicking out the Ken doll is your department."
"The more I retaliate, the more Rachel will dig her heels in, you know that." Santana was right. Rachel was incredibly stubborn. Kurt moped in defeat.
"Can't we just wait until just fizzles out?"
"Kurt, they purchased a sex swing. They are expensive. This is a new level of commitment. They may as well have bought a house together."
"If they bought a house together, we wouldn't be needing to have this conversation." Kurt muttered, walking over to the swing and attempting to lift it.
"Brodie probably just had this lying around his place and brought it over. Will you help me with this?" Kurt grunted as he tried to lift the swing. Santana lifted the other end and began to shuffle it towards Rachel's privacy curtain.
"It's not going to fit." Santana grumbled. "I'm sure of it. Otherwise why would they have left it in the living room in the first place?"
"Because Brodie is an exhibitionist." Kurt scraped one of the poles against the brick wall. The sound surely meant they would lose part of their bond. "Keep pushing." Kurt barked. The metal poles bend and left black grazing across the skirting boards. "A little more!"
"Gaahh!" Santana and Kurt gave one last push through the narrow corridor and through the privacy curtain. But the sex swing made it through and crashed onto Rachel's bed.
Santana and Kurt high-fived each other.
"Now, how do we rid ourselves of this sex pest." Santana mused.
"I suppose we need to give her a taste of her own medicine." Kurt's eyes flashed with an evil plan. "Do you still see that Dom?"
"Not very much since Brit has been around."
"Do you reckon you could make an exception?" Kurt and Santana looked to Kitty Brit for permission. The kitty was licking her forepaws grooming herself. She had been listening to their conversation the whole time. Of course, cats couldn't speak, but they could grin, and Kitty Brit was grinning like a Cheshire cat. It was enough permission for the Kurt and Santana to start working on their plan.
It didn't take much convincing for the buff mohawked Dom to agree to their plan. His name was Puck, and out of the club he seemed a little less intimidating in his kaki shirt and grey jeans. He had his tricks of the trade in a duffle bag by his feet.
"So ah, how do we do this?" Puck looked uncertain. It was just Santana and Kurt present in that apartment, and of course, Kitty Brit. Rachel and Brodie were attending their classes but would be back in the afternoon.
"Brodie tends to walk around the house completely naked. We want that to stop."
"Why don't you just put superglue on the chairs then?" Puck shrugged.
"Because we're not twelve." Kurt replied. "Rachel, as much as I love her, suffers from the lack of ability to care about anyone but herself. She doesn't understand that her and Brodie are affecting everyone around her. If she feels what we are feeling, then she will be more receptive to change."
"Sooo, you want me to walk around the house naked?" Puck grinned cheekily.
"Not just that." Santana added. "Rachel hates being bossed around, and I'm sure another Dom would hate being bossed around as well, so I want you to unleash all if this." Santana waved her hands over Puck.
"Are you sure?" Puck raised an eyebrow. Kurt and Santana didn't have to think. Their answer which they answered in unison was "Yes."
"Alright." Puck unzipped his duffle back and pulled out a drill.
"Ahhh…."
"I'm going to drill locks onto all your cupboards. I also need to take your television remote and hair conditioner."
"If he drills holes into our cupboards, we will lose our bond." Kurt muttered.
"A small price to pay to never see Brodies penis touch our couch cushions again."
"Agreed." Puck gathered the locks and spent the afternoon completing his handyman project.
"So, you two are going to have to play along with this as well." Puck drilled as he spoke. "I have to out-Dom the Dom which means you are both my Subs, only when Rachel is around, of course, or not." Puck mused cheekily.
"Only when Rachel's around." Kurt confirmed. There were very few people he would allow to boss him around.
"And you have to pretend you like it too. And we will have to make obnoxiously loud sex sounds from Kurt's room."
"Why don't we just invite Blaine over. Those two make enough noise on their own. You think that would be enough to shoo Brodie away."
"I am not having sex with either of you." Kurt put his foot down.
"Didn't you listen? We're just making sex sounds, dummy." Santana rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, your virtue is safe."
"Pfft, virtue my ass. Kurt's been following Mr E around like a puppy. He'll be one of us soon."
"If I start locking up conditioner bottles, shoot me. No body deserves frizzy hair." Kurt muttered to Santana.
"Um, guys?" Puck looked down at the Kitty Brit twisting around his legs. "What's this?"
"That's Kitty Brit. If you give her a scratch behind her ears she will go away." Kurt explained. Kitty Brit purred and nudged her cheeks into Puck's calves. The gentle giant gave her a scratch behind her real ears.
"Sweet." Puck chuckled. Kitty Brit watch Puck work for a little bit from a safe distance then tottered off back to the couch. "Now, if we are going to do this, we need boundaries."
"No sex, and you don't mess with my hair, skin care routine or clothes." Kurt demanded.
"See, what did I tell you? Total Dom."
"No, just a brat." Santana corrected which earnt a slap across her shoulder.
"Keep a spare set of clothes in your backpack. For this to be believable we are going to have to make it look like I'm really doing my job. Hide your skin products in your room and I'll pretend I've confiscated them."
"What about me?" Santana asked.
"We're going to take a more physical approach with you." Puck winked. Santana gave a blushing grin.
"Hmm, just the way I like it." Santana purred.
"Alright, I'm out." Kurt threw his hands up in the air. He did not want to see Puck and Santana make sexy eyes across the kitchen. This plan had to work; Kurt was already feeling grossed out.
"Where are you going?"
"To see Elliot. It's been a while since we caught up."
"Kurt! Get your butt here." Elliot was a head taller than Kurt and wrapped him up in a hug. He swung Kurt into his apartment with ease.
Elliot's apartment was more like a museum of rock and roll. There were records, posters and guitars hanging from every possible wall. Not even the toilet was safe from Elliot's influence and in there hung a KISS framed poster. It was a little unnerving trying to go with a bunch of painted faces staring at you and Kurt always had to go with his eyes closed. When Kurt told Elliot this last year the man lost it in a fit of laughter and swore, he would never, ever, ever more that poster anywhere else. It was far too amusing.
"I see nothing's changed." Kurt let the strong scent of incense burn his nose. Elliot liked the calming feeling it gave. Kurt thought it smelt like an old sock draw.
"Does anything really ever change?" Elliot mused, picking up his favourite guitar and strumming it gently. "Have you been practicing your chords?" Elliot shoved the guitar in Kurt's arms.
"I have not had a chance." Kurt replied honestly, trying to bend his fingers the way Elliot had shown him months ago. The sound he made was terrible.
"And why the hell not?"
"Well, for a start, I've been spending heaps of time with Blaine, travelling to Argentina and back, dealing with Sam, a sex pest and to top it all off I have to learn how to be a Sub."
"Wow, ok, what? Kurt, start from the beginning, no actually, start with the sex pest, that sounds interesting, no, wait, the Sub thing, because I feel like you might need some pointers, so you don't undo all my hard work." Elliot blustered excitedly as he sat cross legged on the couch. In anticipation of Kurt's arrival, he had been brewing some strange herbal tea. He poured a cup for Kurt who sniffed it with a cringe.
"I forgot your parents are hippies."
"Yeah, they sent me another chakra cleansing care package this week. The tea is not that bad." Elliot took a sip. How could two hippies produce a complete rock and roll fan? Kurt supposed it wasn't too farfetched. Elliot drank his tea while Kurt explained everything in his life, from Blaine managing the club while his Dad was away, to Sam's break up with his girlfriend, to Brodie who was driving Kurt insane.
"I swear he used my moisturiser this week." Kurt flung his arms up in the air. "And I'm not sure if he just used it on his face, if you know what I mean."
"So, what did you do?"
"I got a new bottle, that's what I did, and I stuck a very passive aggressive label on it."
"Yeah, that's not going to work." Elliot sighed. "The Puck idea might, if you hold your tongue and don't sass back, you have to be the perfect Sub otherwise Rachel will see through it all and she will know you are just doing it to get back at her."
"Maybe it might be easier to just move out." Kurt wasn't sure if he could hold back all his sass.
"Don't be silly, just come down to the basement and release your inner Dom. You will be all Dom-ed out so you can Sub all week, or however long it takes for this Brodie character to disappear."
"Puck's putting locks on all the cupboards."
"Right, well, that's extreme."
"Yup, desperate times call for desperate measures."
"Just set your boundaries, alright. This is all a ruse and nothing else."
"I know, I know. Don't worry, it's only when Rachel and Brodie are around, and we have spare keys. It's not like I'm going to be locked out of my own fridge."
"Just don't give any ideas to Sam. He already punishes himself too much about his body."
"Don't worry, Blaine and I are taking good care of him." Kurt assured. Elliot raised an eyebrow, was that an innuendo?
"Really?" He inquired with a smirk.
"No, not like that." Kurt blushed. It wasn't like he hadn't thought about it, and he knew Blaine certainly had, even if he didn't care to admit it.
"Are you sure?" Elliot pressed.
"Well, I have my suspicions about Sam."
"I believe I have the same ones." Elliot sung with a wicked grin. "You know, I think I might have an idea that could help both Sam and Blaine."
"Help Blaine? With what?"
"Remember how I had to set up the basement for him because he couldn't go down there?"
"Yeah."
"Well, maybe he just needs a very strong incentive to overcome his fear."
"What sort of incentive?"
"Oh, I think you know."
I think you know where this next chapter is heading. Please don't forget to write a review, they mean a lot.
