Chapter 11
TOBIAS
It's a perfect night, not too warm, not too cold. The stars sparkle above our heads and the moon lights the path in front of us. We're running through a garden though there's no one chasing us, and she's laughing, trying her best to keep up with me.
She yells my name so I stop.
"Where are we going?" she asks me.
"You'll see. We're almost there."
I take her hand in mine and we break off from the path, cutting through several tall rows of wild quinine until we arrive at a small field covered in pink and white cone-flowers. There's only a small part of the field that's bare, covered only in grass, and I take her there.
I pull out a blanket from the small backpack I brought with me, and I lay it out on the grass.
"This is so beautiful," she whispers, looking all around her.
"Yet still not as beautiful as you," I take her into my arms and she giggles.
"If you say so."
"I do say so."
With a smile, I kiss her tenderly, lovingly, molding her sweet, soft lips with mine. Her hands are cold, but that's not the reason I shiver when she slowly glides them under my shirt and then up my chest. Her skin against mine is sensational, and I want more of it.
My hands run up her back, and they are pleasantly surprised when they find no bra strap to unhook.
"Oh," I tease her. "You came expecting things."
She giggles against my lips. "I expect nothing less from you."
"Good," I whisper, and I slowly lean her down onto the blanket until she's lying flat on her back. I take her lips again, and my fingers expertly work to unbutton her shirt. I expose her body, and my hands don't idle for a second; they stay on her, exploring her, touching her.
She breaks away from my lips, moaning sultrily as my fingers graze across her nipple.
I smile, enjoying every sound she makes because of me. I kiss her cheek, and then I nibble on her ear. She turns her head and my lips find that one spot on her neck that makes her shiver. I kiss down her collarbone until my tongue finds the hard bud of her breast.
She digs her hand into my hair as I lick and nip her, and she breathes erratically, moaning with every swerve of my tongue. She whispers my name and it makes me hungrier.
My mouth kisses its way to her other breast, just as soft, just as delicious as the first. My hands move downward, and boldly push themselves under the waist of her leggings. She opens her legs for me because this territory is mine, and my finger slides its way through her soft and wet entrance.
She moans again, squeezing around my finger and pushing her breast deeper into my mouth. As I slide in a second finger and then move them both in and out and inside her again, she wiggles underneath me, breathing loudly, frantically.
On my knees now, I pull off the leggings entirely and there she is, beautiful and naked, lying in a field of flowers, biting her lips, craving me as much as I'm craving her.
I open her legs wider and she doesn't resist. Her thighs tremble and my lips slowly kiss downward, each time closer and closer to her centre. Her body begs me and I don't deny it what it wants, because I want it too. My tongue greedily runs along the length of her sex and she cries out in pleasure as I lick her bud. I'm ravenous as I taste her, nibbling and sucking at her sweet middle. She tastes delicious, so divine.
Her hands are in my hair again, pushing me deeper in.
I smile. I've memorized her; I know what she wants, when and how she wants it. And I am always ready to oblige. I attack her harder, and my fingers come back to feel more of her. Her back arches as I work, and she cries out, grabbing onto my hair, the blanket, her legs, her breasts. I move faster, and when her legs begin to tremble to the point where I'm squeezed between them, I know she's almost there. I feel triumphant as she writhes naked in front of me, and even more so when she grabs onto her blonde hair as if she were trying to tear it out of her scalp.
She moans louder now, her breaths quick and hysterical, and with one long and shrill gasp, she shudders into completion. I feel it as her insides quiver, only to contract around my fingers, and she rides it out until there are tears in her eyes.
I climb on top of her and kiss her lips again. Her breaths are still chaotic, jagged. "Tell me what you want," she whispers with a rude smile.
And on top of her, looking deep into her blue eyes, I feel the urge to ask her something, something important.
"Fuck!"
I'm startled awake by the sound of glass breaking. There's not supposed to be anyone else here and I'm unarmed, so I'm careful but ready when I step out of the small bedroom. I'm suddenly even more grateful Tris untied me before she left.
I sigh with both relief and disappointment when I look into the kitchen area only to find the glass of water I had been drinking splattered on the floor.
"How the-" I groan. There's no wind in here, no movement at all. I suppose I left it too close to the edge of the table.
I bend down and I'm stupid enough to pick up the pieces of broken glass with my bare hands and expect not to cut myself. I close my eyes and try to relax a little when I see my own blood running down my finger; my heart is still racing and my hands are still shaking from when I was frightened awake.
After I've taken a few slow and deep breaths, I stand and make my way toward the sink. I throw the pieces of glass in the garbage bin, then I turn on the faucet and let the water run over my finger for a while. Something tells me to open the smallest cabinet on the right, just above the sink, so I do. Inside it is a first aid kid. I pull out a large Band-Aid and wrap it around my finger.
As I'm standing there I begin to remember… I was dreaming again. It feels even stranger after the fact, now that I've met the woman in my dreams, and I don't think I can deny any longer that she provokes the very same sentiments in me in real life.
I have feelings for her; it's why I can't bring myself to hurt her. And my dreams feel incredibly real, so real that the evidence of my arousal is still bulging through my pants, so real that when I consider it all, it forces me to wonder if they are dreams at all.
Could it be that they're more? More than just thoughts placed in my subconscious to confuse me? Could it be that all along I've been trying to tell myself there was more to my life than I could have ever imagined?
But that can't be the truth, because that would mean the person I've come to love and trust most in the world is the one who has deceived me in the most unimaginable way. It's a disheartening realization, an unthinkable one, and I need answers. I need to speak to my mother. There has to be another explanation.
"I need to get out of here," I whisper to myself, although I have no idea how to do that. I'm locked inside a high security Dauntless bunker and Tris won't be back until morning. Still, determined to get out of this place, I grab a small knife from the kitchen and walk to the large metal door that's keeping me inside. There's a glowing blue keypad to the left of it and there's only a handle on the door. I'm not getting out of here without that pass-code.
I let out a frustrated breath, but then I have the craziest thought. For a second I push it back, refusing to entertain it, but something stronger inside me begs me to be honest with myself even if just for the shortest moment. So I stop to really think about the fact that ever since Tris left, I've been able to find whatever I've been looking for just by thinking about it- the sheets for the bed, the glass to drink water in, the Band-Aid. I never searched tirelessly for any of those things. I just went and got them as if I knew where they were.
I clench my jaw together and I imagine the unimaginable; maybe I did know where they were. Maybe I've been here before and I just can't remember because it was more than five years ago.
I decide to test the theory. If I have been here before, then I know the pass-code.
I don't think; I only breathe, and slowly I place my hand over the keypad. It hovers there for a while, just until I feel the inkling to move my fingers. I don't second guess myself and I allow my fingers to land wherever they want to; they type in thirteen numbers before they stop, a long combination of numbers I've never seen before.
2-3-2-8-7-4-2-3-7-7-4-6-7.
There's a soft metallic thud as the door unlocks and I freeze in place, questioning my sanity. When I finally bring myself to move, all I can do is push the door open. I stare at the other side of it as if almost afraid to step outside, and that's when I realize that I am afraid. Stepping through those doors might mean accepting an ugly truth, a truth I've been rejecting since the moment I laid eyes on Tris.
"But you need to know," I whisper to myself, and I swallow hard as I take the first step.
I walk out of the bunker and up a flight of stairs until I find myself inside an old building. The bunker seems to lie directly below it. I follow the moonlight until I find the exit, and when I walk out into the open I look around me to see if anything looks familiar. Nothing does.
I look up at the stars to catch my bearings, knowing I must head north if I am to find my mother and the rest of the factionless, but I'm hesitant to move when something tells me to walk in the opposite direction. I look south and I don't know what lies in that direction, but I won't let fear of the truth stop me from finding out what it is. And I don't think I can deny it anymore; something inside me has been giving me answers. I believe it's the same part of me that knew that pass-code, the same part of me that has been showing me visions of Tris over and over again, so I listen to it.
I head south and I walk until I come across the train tracks. I don't know what time it is; Tris left just after sunset and I don't know how long I've been asleep. Not sure if there are trains still running, I begin to walk beside the tracks, and to my sweet surprise, I only walk for about half an hour when I hear one coming up behind me.
I jump on and I ride it deeper into the city. I stand by the door and as I look at the passing view, I recognize the route. I'm headed straight for Dauntless.
I don't worry when I get there; I know how to get in. I was, after all, the one who taught some of the men from the factionless army how to get past Dauntless' security system and inside the compound. I short out the wires to one of the maintenance doors, and I sneak inside when it pops open. I walk until I enter one of the main hallways; I avoid the cameras and frequently trafficked areas, and I no longer ask myself how it is that I know where they are.
I let my legs do the walking, turning wherever I think I should; and though nothing in the underground faction looks familiar, I walk as though I know exactly where I'm going. When I arrive at the residential area of Dauntless, I look at the numbers on the doors and I walk past each one until I come across the one that says 764.
My heart races inside my chest, and I feel anxious, but I stand in front of the door and somehow I know this is the one.
I take the knife from my pocket and I pick the lock, then slowly I push the apartment door open. It creaks softly and I step inside and close it behind me. Not knowing exactly where I am, I walk quietly and I don't turn on any of the lights; for all I know there could be someone inside.
I carefully look around for a bit. The apartment doesn't look too familiar, but it definitely feels strange standing inside of it. I walk over to the TV stand when I see several framed photos on top of it.
The first one I pick up is a picture of Tris, and that's when I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, and if that weren't bizarre enough, beside it, there's a picture of her and me, in Dauntless black, laughing in front of the Ferris wheel.
My mouth opens, but no words come out, and as I'm standing there paralyzed with the photo in my hands, I begin to feel a heaviness in my chest. Not willing to let it all consume me just yet, I put the picture down and I take a look at the others; there's a picture of Tris with a small baby in her arms, and another of an Abnegation couple. The last picture to the right is one of the same Abnegation woman with a baby boy sitting on her lap; he looks to be about one year old.
Tris did say she was from Abnegation. These must be her parents. But who is the child? Tris never mentioned having a son, and it invokes a strange feeling inside me; something in between confusion and jealousy I think. If she recently had a child it undoubtedly means there's a man in her life, a man occupying the space that I'm almost sure was once mine.
I suddenly feel violated, like something has been stolen from me; like she has been stolen from me even though I have no memories of whenever it was that she was mine. I look around some more, frantically at that, but I see no evidence of another man; maybe her relationship with the boy's father didn't work out. Or maybe the baby isn't hers at all. He doesn't look like her, at least not in the pictures.
There's a digital clock on the TV stand and it flashes the time in bright red. I realize it's a lot earlier than I thought it was, and I decide to not linger in the apartment anymore. I still have time to catch the train and head north to see my mother. I grab the picture of me and Tris as evidence, in case she refuses to tell me the truth that only she knows, and I sneak back out the way I came in. But when I'm standing outside of Dauntless, I feel it again, that urge to go somewhere else instead of my mother's hideout.
Chances are, whatever the truth is, I won't get it out of my mother so I decide that for the rest of the night I will trust my gut, because my gut just might actually be me from a time I can't remember.
By now my head is aching and I can't process my thoughts at all, but I don't try to sort them out. If I think I might collapse, I might lose my mind before the night is through.
I only walk for about fifteen minutes before it dawns on me that I'm headed for Abnegation. My fists are clenched the whole way, and every step I take feels painful, not like it was when I was on my way to Dauntless. Going to Dauntless felt like a mission, like I had a purpose to fulfill. Going to Abnegation feels burdensome, most likely because wherever my feet are taking me, I will only learn more about the past that was hidden from me.
I jump back on the train, and I let it take me the rest of the way. I try to let the wind in my face calm me, but it doesn't work, and all of a sudden I find myself shouting at it. I begin to bang on the metal of the train car until my knuckles bleed, and only when I feel like I might explode I fight back the pain, I fight back tears, and I bottle up the hurt, the confusion, the frustration.
I feel frantic when I jump off the train, but my steps are hesitant. I watch the simple grey houses all lined off in perfect rows, all identical to each other. I couldn't possibly know which one was once mine, so I don't think; I just move. I suddenly wonder if Tris is here. If this is where she's staying at night, it wouldn't be wise. It would probably be the first place people would think to look for her. Or maybe it's so obvious that it would be the last.
I find myself at someone's front door and just like I did at Tris' apartment, I know this is the one. The light is still on inside, so I knock. It doesn't really matter who lives here now; I'm factionless so they would just assume I was looking for food. Proof that I used to live here would be enough.
An older Abnegation man opens the door, tall with salt and pepper hair, looking to be in his late fifties. He smiles politely and says, "I'm sorry. Give me a moment please," and then he steps away from the door only to return with his glasses on.
"Good night, Sir," I say to him. "Sorry to bother you."
The man stares at me dumbfounded, and he grabs his chest as if he were having a heart attack. When he takes a very large step back, I'm afraid he might fall and I go to catch him.
"Are you okay?" I ask him frantically. "I didn't mean to frighten you. I just wanted to ask if you knew about the people who lived here before."
"T- T- Tobias?" The old man stutters.
"How do you know my name?" I'm quick to ask, and my hands fall from his side.
He mumbles quietly for a few seconds, and with large fearful eyes he says, "Because I gave it to you."
"Who are you?" I whisper, and I get that restless feeling in my chest again, like I'm about to find out something I'm not really ready to find out.
He looks like he can barely breathe, and then raspily he whispers, "I'm your father," his hand still grabbing at his chest.
I gasp, and this time I'm the one who looks like I'm having a heart attack. "My father?" I ask in utter confusion. "But my mother said you were dead."
The old man's eyes open wider still, and he grabs onto the doorpost. "Your mother is alive?"
My heart races as if it will beat its way out of my chest, and my lungs feel dry and empty. It all feels like just too much, too much too quick, so I take off.
The man who just told me he is my father yells after me, but I run away from that house so fast that after a few seconds, his voice fades into nothingness. The action feels so familiar and I let my legs take me again, believing they'll take me somewhere safe where I can try and figure out what I am to do now, although all I really want to do is to find my mother and ask her why she did this to me. Why would she do this to me?
I grab my chest and I force back the pain and the anger again, although it almost feels like it's already too much. I take a right and then a left, and then into someone's yard. I make a break for the back door and I stop to sit on the stairs, heaving.
I've been told this is what being in a simulation feels like, and I wonder if maybe that's what's happening. Maybe I'm strapped to a chair somewhere with wires connecting my head to a computer, with some strange Erudite-made serum coursing through my veins. It's a far less painful explanation than the alternative.
When I look to my right, I see a flower pot with a cactus. For some reason I lift it up, and when I do I see a rusted key beneath it, the key to the door no doubt.
Wherever I am, it's a safe place, and without being told, I know whose house this is. I know this is Tris' childhood home because so far my feet have only been taking me places I've already been.
Quietly, I push the key into the keyhole and turn the lock. The door creaks loudly so I don't open it all the way. The lock clicks when I close the door behind me and I take slow and careful steps inside. It isn't too dark in the house, the moonlight shines through the windows and lights the way for me.
Over the fireplace, I see a few pictures and when I take a closer look at them, I'm not surprised at all at who I see; I doubt anything else could surprise me at this point.
There's a picture of a much younger Tris and another boy her age. It's funny how I know it's her, even though she looks to be no more than ten years old in the photo. I don't recognize the people in the second picture, a young Erudite teenager with his arms around a Dauntless girl. But it's the third picture that earns my attention. It's one of Tris and the same baby boy, but he looks older in this picture, and he has a striking resemblance to… me.
It can't possibly be.
But I can't think about it long enough, because I hear a pair of soft footsteps coming toward me. I can't run, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so I raise my arms and I stand frozen in place.
"Who's there?" I ask quietly, as if it were my house that someone else had broken into and not the other way around.
And out of the darkness, I hear a tiny voice whisper, "Daddy?"
A/N: Dum dum dummmmmmmmm! Sorry for the late post guys but I really hope it was worth the wait! Can't wait to hear what you guys thought about this chapter and what you think happens next!
On a much grimmer note, Unfortunately, I won't be able to update until further notice. The world has turned upside down with COVID and I'm a doctor so my plate is full. Not many cases where I am (Thank God), but still have to be prepared for the worst. Please do your part and practice social distancing! Stay inside and read fanfiction! ;) xoxo
