A/N: Sorry for the late post! Another tiresome week. But here's chapter 13! :) And a special thank you from Bamberlee and me goes out to our faithful reviewers who love and defend this story ;) This chapter is for you.


Chapter 13

TRIS

I'm desperate to tears after having combed through all the likely places, both in and outside of the city, and not finding Tobias anywhere. My heart broke over and over again with unadulterated disappointment when no matter where I looked there was no trace of him.

I can only imagine he went back to see Evelyn, wherever it is that she fled after they evacuated the secret headquarters where we had originally found them. I know without a doubt he has questions for her, important ones, but what I fear is that she can do it again- make him forget that he ever knew me, erasing the past few days from his memory. And if she can, then everything I've done has been for nothing.

I walk back to Abnegation feeling defeated; my feet drag the entire way and I couldn't care less which of my mother's neighbours see me. My heart aches like I've lost him all over again, and when I finally arrive at my parents' house, I'm hesitant to even open the door. When I turn the knob I'm crushed with guilt; going home makes me feel like I've given up on finding him.

"He's not at the bunker," I say quietly to my mother after I walk inside and close the door behind me. She sits patiently in the living room with all the lights turned off and a single candle burning on the small centre table. "He's not at Dauntless, he's not in Abnegation, and I don't see any of the factionless anywhere."

"And he's not here," my mother finishes for me. "I turned over everything in this house, and I even walked around the yard."

I give her a disapproving eye when I take a seat beside her. "You shouldn't be outside, Mom," I scold her. "It's three o' clock in the morning." She's still wearing her coat, so I know she's cold, and the doctor has told her to avoid exactly that. My mother's still young and healthy, but more and more she's starting to complain of pain in her bones.

"I couldn't just sit here, Beatrice," she says, staring at the burning candle. "I saw my son-in-law tonight. I really saw him. And although I knew he was alive, there was something unreal about seeing him here, standing inside this house."

My mother had always loved Tobias, even before we transferred to Dauntless. She had taken him in like a son; he was always welcome at our home, and she permitted him to stay for longer than what was socially acceptable in Abnegation. Of course, he'd always have to leave and then come back after Marcus and my father were asleep. And even after we transferred, she enjoyed our secret visits. It was almost as if I couldn't come if I didn't bring Tobias.

My mother takes my hand. "We'll find him," she says to me.

"Where?" I groan in desperation. "And how? He's not anywhere. What if he doesn't want to be found?"

"Think, Beatrice," my mother says gently, gliding her thumb across my fingers. "Where else might he have gone?"

I hold my head. "Evelyn," I answer assuredly. "Probably to confront her about whatever it is that she's done to him. But I don't know where Evelyn is, and I don't know if she'll let him leave. And I was so close," I whimper. "He was finally coming back. He found his way here, and to Marcus; it has to be because he's remembering."

My mother nods. "Well then it's just a matter of time, Beatrice."

"Is it?" I groan, looking at my mother with pain in my eyes. "If he goes back to Evelyn and she realizes he's onto her, she won't let him go," I say dejectedly. "What if she does it again? Whatever it is she did to take away his memory? What if I never find him again?"

I sink into the couch and lean my head backward until I'm staring at the ceiling; I see nothing but the water in my eyes.

As painful and difficult as dealing with death is, there's a certain closure that comes after the grief. You're forced to keep moving because what other choice do you have? But knowing Tobias is out there somewhere, alive, redeemable, and I'm just not able to find him, I don't think I'd ever be able to sleep again.

My mother sits up and she takes my hand a second time. "He just found out the life he's been living for the past five years is a lie," she says slowly. "A lie fed to him by the person he was made to believe he could trust above all others. Chances are he feels betrayed. He might just need some space."

But I don't want to give him space. I know how Tobias is when he's terrified, when he feels betrayed, when he's hurt or confused. He makes up scenarios in his head where everything is spiralling out of control and all the odds are against him. He acts as though he's alone, as if he needs to go through it all by himself, and I don't know what will happen if I'm not there to remind him he doesn't.

When I hear tiny footsteps coming down the stairs, I come alive but my heart sinks even deeper into my chest. I turn around before he makes it all the way down. "Andy?"

"What's happening, Mommy?" he asks. He probably heard us talking.

I push myself up off the couch and I quickly make my way up the stairs, meeting him halfway. The stairs aren't well lit and God forbid he should fall. "Andy, you need to stay in bed," I urge him. "It's really late."

He stops walking. He looks me right in the eye and asks, "Where did daddy go?"

I turn around to look at my mother, wondering how he even knew his father was gone, but she looks to be just as surprised as I am. Sometimes Andy can be too smart for his own good.

Slowly, I bend my knees and I pull my baby boy into my arms. I think tonight might just be the most difficult night of my life. It sure feels like the longest one.

"I don't know, Baby," I say, my voice breaking. I rub his cheeks. "I don't know."

With sadness in his eyes, he asks, "When will he come back?"

I fake a smile though tears are streaming down my face. I can't lie to him. "I don't know that either. But you have to go back to bed." I kiss him on his forehead and fix his hair. "I promise you, we'll talk when it's morning."

Andy doesn't look too pleased with my answer, but he turns around nonetheless, and he slowly walks back up the stairs.

I hear when he closes the bedroom door, and I walk down and take a seat at the bottom of the stairs, my head in between my palms. "What am I supposed to say to him, Mom?" I ask pleadingly across the room. "I didn't want this. Andy shouldn't have to be a part of this." It aches, and I sink my face between my legs.

My mother stands and makes her way over to me. She sets the candle on the kitchen table and then takes a seat beside me on the stairs. We barely fit comfortably.

"Beatrice, you knew this would be difficult," she says firmly, using a tone she doesn't often use with me. "You said it yourself."

"I did. But I really thought I was ready for it."

"And you are," she whispers to me. "More than anything Tobias admired your strength, and he always told me you were the reason he often found his own. He needs you to be strong for him again."

I nod, knowing deep down that as hard as it is, I can't give up. Only two nights ago, I was the one trying to convince her of that.

"My emotions are all over the place. Is it strange that sometimes I get so mad at him?" I turn and ask my mother.

"Why do you?"

"I think there's a part of me that blames him," I confess softly. "Because he promised me he wouldn't see her. He promised," I choke, thinking of all the times Tobias swore to me he wanted nothing to do with his mother. "And it's not like I asked him not to. That was his mother, his decision, and I supported it." I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. "If he had changed his mind, he could have just told me. And instead of accepting that he was on that train when it crashed, I would have gone looking for him, because I would have known he was with her," I say resolutely, then I sink even deeper into myself. "Sometimes I wish he knew exactly what he was putting me through so I could give him hell for it. But he doesn't, and all I'll be doing is yelling at a man who doesn't remember me."

My mother frowns and she rubs her hand over my hair. "Oh, Beatrice," she sighs. "You can't think like that."

"I don't know what to think," I cry. "I feel so confused… and scared." Because I know without a doubt that as angry as I am with him, I love him so much more than that and I'd do anything to have him back.

"You have to stay strong." My mother kisses my forehead, and she pulls me into her arms. As old as I am, that still feels like the safest place I could be sometimes. But that feeling is suddenly interrupted; she and I both jump when the back door swings open, and someone steps inside the house. I quickly stand to my feet and when I come around the stairs I'm hit with a strange combination of shock and relief when I see who's standing there, the candle lighting up his face.

He came back.

"Tobias?" I whimper, not sure if I should run to him, but absolutely wanting to.

He walks toward me but he doesn't say anything at all.

"Where did you go?"

"To see Evelyn," he answers gravely.

Only when he's standing right in front of me do I notice that his eyes are red and swollen, just like his hands, only his hands are covered in blood almost all the way to his elbows.

I gasp. "Tobias, what did you do?" I ask in horror, taking his hands in my own. "Whose blood is this?"

But instead of answering me, he looks at me and softly says, "You were crying."

"Answer me," I say sternly, fearing the worst possible thing. I knew I told him he'd want to kill Evelyn himself when he realized what she had done, but I didn't think he would actually do it. Nor would I ever want him to. "Tobias, whose blood is this?!"

"It's not hers… if that's what you're thinking." His face is expressionless.

I exhale, feeling relieved even though he didn't actually answer the question, then I examine the rest of him and I notice there's blood on his sleeves as well. "Come on," I say as I pull the dark T-shirt over his head without asking permission. He doesn't fight me; he only raises his arms and then quietly follows me toward the kitchen sink. I drop the dirty shirt in the garbage.

"I'll get you a clean shirt," my mother says, still standing by the stairs. She makes her way up quietly.

I put the water to run, and I don't wait until it's warm before I push his hands underneath it. He flinches, but he doesn't pull them back, and he stares at me as I gently rub a cloth over his hands. His knuckles are torn and bruised, but there's no way all that blood was his. I don't ask him again whose it was.

Tobias washes his elbows and I dry his hands with a kitchen towel just as my mother is coming down the stairs. She has a grey shirt in her hands, no doubt my father's, and with concern in her eyes, she says, "Sorry. It's all I have but it should fit. Andrew didn't keep many T-shirts."

"It's perfect, Mom," I say with a small smile, remembering my father in his large grey coats and buttoned down shirts. I take it from her hands and as I'm putting it on Tobias, I see the tattoo on his chest, the raven over his heart. I button the shirt slowly and I can't help but look at it, remembering the day he got it. He told me I was his only family; I suppose that's why he's here now and not with Evelyn, even if he doesn't know it.

"I'll get some bandages as well," my mother says with a quick gasp when she sees his hands.

Then, for just a moment, it's just him and me in an Abnegation house looking at each other, and as he stands there looking so tall and perfect in my father's grey shirt, it takes me away to an alternate reality where we both chose differently. But I don't linger there for too long; there's no point in it.

"We need to leave. It might not be safe for you here," Tobias whispers when my mother is out of earshot, completely bringing me back to reality.

"What do you mean?"

He bites his lip. "I came straight here after I left Evelyn. I don't think I was, but I might have been followed. I had to fight my way out; she wasn't too keen on letting me leave."

"Does she know that you know?" I ask carefully.

He nods. "And she knows about Andy."

I sense it when my pupils dilate and I suddenly feel the urge to strangle him claw its way back up inside me. "You told her about him?!" I yell in disbelief.

"I was upset!" he answers quickly. "I… I had to know if she knew!"

"You brought that woman into my son's life?!" With my mouth open, I turn off the faucet and walk away. My hands find my hair so quickly, and all I can say to myself is, "Oh my God."

"Tris, please. Let me help," Tobias says pleadingly. "We have to go back to the bunker."

I swiftly turn around, and I point a rigid but trembling finger at him. "If she hurts him, I won't ever forgive you for it." The words are venomous, but they are truthful. I love my husband with all my heart, but there will be no mercy for the person who makes the grave mistake of hurting my son.

Tobias doesn't answer me. He only offers me a nod.

"Will she be safe here?" I ask quietly, referring to my mother.

"Yes. It's me they want," he answers.

"Are you armed?"

"No."

I let out a frustrated breath. "Then we need to hurry."

My mother comes back down the stairs with two fine pieces of cloth. Gently, she wraps one around each of Tobias' hands. "Thank you," he whispers to her. My mother only smiles.

"I have to go, Mom… and I have to take Andy. It might not be safe for him here," I explain quietly.

Her hands still on Tobias', she looks frightened just a little. Her eyes scan over us both, but she nods and says, "Okay. If that's what you need to do."

I pull her into my arms. "Keep your gun close just in case. You remember how to use it?"

"Of course I do," she smiles knowingly. I often thank my lucky stars that my mother was once Dauntless.

"Ok. I'll go get Andy," I say and I run up the stairs and into the bedroom that was once mine, leaving my mother and Tobias downstairs.

Not to my surprise, my son is wide awake, sitting up in bed with his dinosaur in his hands. "We need to go, Baby," I say to him, careful not to frighten him.

Strangely, he smiles and he hugs Dino a little tighter. "Daddy came back?"

"Yes, he did," I answer, though not enthusiastically. I grab his backpack off the floor, and I throw his things inside it. I give him his favourite hoody and he pulls it on himself while I pack. When I'm sure I have everything, I pick him up off the bed and quickly make my way down the stairs. He's all too ready to comply, no questions asked.

He looks around curiously and when he finally sees him, Andy doesn't say anything to Tobias, but he does smile at him.

Tobias stares longingly at Andy.

"Let's go," I say firmly, breaking him from his trance.

"Be careful," my mother begs me, giving me another hug. I squeeze her a little too tight.

"I will," I reply, and then the three of us are out the door.

We walk swiftly through Abnegation, and I lead Tobias to where I had hidden the Dauntless operations truck. He's on the lookout, he stays close behind me and he's quiet, but he looks agitated, like he would explode if I were to say the wrong thing to him. I figure this is probably not the best time to ask him what Evelyn had to say.

With Andy still in my arms, I walk into the bushes until we arrive at the truck. I throw the keys to Tobias and I set Andy's backpack in the back seat. I sit in the passenger side and my son sits up in my lap, wide awake and in his black hoody, his eyes darting between me and his father curiously. I silently pray he doesn't choose this moment to ask questions.

Tobias jumps in the driver's side and slams the door too hard. He fumbles with the keys but eventually he finds the right one and starts the engine. He reverses the truck out of the bushes and onto the road, and he stares straight ahead, his jaw clenched the entire time. I probably should be driving, but that would mean he'd have to hold Andy, and that feels very unsettling to me, though I'm not proud of it.

He picks up speed, and the wind howls too loudly in my ears. Andy buries his head into my chest and he shivers from the cold, but he springs back to life when Tobias, for no reason at all, slams his hand against the wheel. Not once or twice, but five times. His hands are shaking, and I realize he's losing control of himself. Andy clutches tightly onto my shirt, and his eyes are bright with fear.

"Pull over," I demand.

"We need to move."

"I said, pull over!"

Tobias doesn't look at me, but he does listen. He slows the truck and pulls over on the side of the road. Only when we come to a complete stop and the wind has quieted, can I hear how hard he's breathing.

"Get out of the truck," I say, my tone brooking no argument. I put Andy on the seat and I exit the vehicle. When I give Tobias an eye he steps out, though reluctantly, and he follows me to the side of the road, a few feet away from the truck, just far enough that Andy can't hear us.

"You are angry. I get it. But you do not get to behave that way in front of him," I say irately, pointing at our son in the truck. "He is scared and confused and you are making it so much worse! So you are going to calm the fuck down, and then after you do that we are going to get back into that truck and we are all driving somewhere safe. Do you understand me?"

My breaths are heavy now, and I look directly at him although he's looking somewhere above my head. I suppose it's easier to look into the darkness than into my eyes.

He doesn't answer me.

"I said, do you understand me?"

Tobias takes in a few breaths, quick and jagged ones, and I notice his hands trembling again. When he does decide to look at me, the intense pain in his eyes almost makes me want to look away, but I stand there, unable to move because I know what happens next. I know that look; it's the one he makes just before he breaks down.

"Tobias," I whisper his name, and I take a step toward him. I take his hand and say, "It's okay."

Slowly, he shakes his head at me, his wet eyes never leaving mine. With brokenness in his voice he says, "How could she do this to me?"

I take another step toward him, and without thought I throw my arms around his back and I pull him into me. He buries his face into my shoulders and although I can't see his tears, I hear them, and it breaks every bit of my heart when he asks me again, "How could she do this to me?"

My own tears begin to flow as I just stand there holding him, not knowing what else to do. His arms creep around me, and he holds me so tight I can barely breathe, but I don't dare tell him to let me go.

"You'll get through this," I whisper to him, and I feel as he clutches onto my back. The hardest part was always getting Tobias to admit how things made him feel; but once he did, everything else flowed. I think this is the beginning of him really accepting the horrible thing that has happened to him. And come to think of it, he might have to go through it twice, as two different men; the man he is now, and the man who he will be when he gets his memories back.

"Will I?" he eventually asks me, his voice sounding a little calmer, but his body still shaking.

I pull away and I take his face between my hands. "You will," I say firmly, staring him right in those eyes that are slowly becoming more and more recognizable with time. "Because you're not going through it alone. I'm right here with you." I rub my thumb across his cheek and whisper, "We'll get through this together… the way we always have."

Holding my waist, Tobias presses his forehead to me, and with his eyes closed he just breathes for a while. With the passing minutes his breaths become more fluid, more controlled, and the muscles in his hand slowly relax until they're just set on my waist instead of gripping it.

After he's calmed down, there's no sound except for the rustling of trees, and two crickets arguing back and forth.

"You ready?" I ask him when I realize we have been in one spot for too long.

He nods slowly, and he begins to walk toward the truck but he doesn't let go of my waist.

Andy had climbed over to the driver's side when we weren't looking and he's right there waiting for us when we arrive back at the truck. He stares at his father and then lifts his arms up in the air. Tobias picks him up immediately and holds him tightly, and Andy whispers something in his ear. I don't hear what.

"Can you drive?" Tobias suddenly asks me, and with my son looking so peaceful and nestled in his father's arms, I don't have the heart to say no. So I drive us to the bunker, with Tobias in the passenger seat holding onto his son for dear life the entire way, and Andy finally falling asleep.