Chapter 14
TRIS
It's almost sunrise when the large broken-down building that sits on top of the bunker comes into view; I can see the slightest streak of orange and yellow piercing through the horizon. I leave the truck behind another old building nearby, and Tobias and I walk back down the broken pavement with Andy still fast asleep in his arms.
We walk into the old building and down the stairs until we're at our safe harbor. I enter the thirteen digit pass-code for the large metal door and as it unlocks I push it open, ushering Tobias and Andy inside. I immediately dim all the lights and I'm suddenly glad there are no windows in the bunker; the lack of sunlight might help us all to get some sleep.
"I'll take him to the bedroom," Tobias says, but I stop him.
"I can take him," I say, and though reluctantly, Tobias hands him over.
I feel guilty when I take Andy from his father's arms knowing the state Tobias is in right now and all he probably wants to do is hold his son for a bit longer, but Andy is his most talkative when he's actually supposed to be asleep, and I promised him we'd talk in the morning. I don't want him asking Tobias questions that truthfully I'd rather be answering myself. So just in case he wakes, I prefer to be the one tucking him in.
Tobias' eyes land on mine and they're filled with a pain and longing I'm sure I could never understand. There's also the tiniest hint of betrayal, and I'm not sure if it's directed at me or at his mother. He made it clear he was upset I hadn't told him about Andy, and here I am again, robbing him of the chance to do the smallest of things- tuck his son into bed. But just the same, I carry my own burdens, and nothing about this is simple. If I had my way, Andy wouldn't have known his father was alive until his father was actually back to being his father and I'm not afraid to say so.
Even so, I remain quiet. The situation, the moment, all of it feels so delicate, and I feel like one wrong move, one wrong word could make either one of us fall apart, both for justified reasons.
Tobias stands by the bedroom door for a short while and I feel his eyes on me as I walk quietly into the bedroom with Andy in my arms. Luckily, he doesn't wake; I can only imagine how incredibly tired he is. He's been up for most of the night.
The room is warm, so I take off his hoody and leave him to sleep in his pajamas. I place a gentle kiss on his forehead, praying that at least his dreams are peaceful. Then I turn off the light in his room and leave the door cracked like I always do.
When I come out of the bedroom, I find Tobias standing in the spare room, his back against the wall and his arms folded, his face expressionless. I don't know what to say, so I say nothing at all. I look around the empty room and wonder if we're to sleep on the cold, hard ground, but then I remember who built this place.
I spot a small closet door at the far end of the room, and Tobias eyes me curiously as I walk over to it. As I open it I sigh; I find a small, thin mattress folded at the top, two pillows, and a few spare sheets and blankets inside. My dear husband thought of everything.
I roll out the mattress on the floor and then spread a sheet on top. I pull out a second sheet for Tobias, and when I hand it to him, he lowly asks, "Am I still your prisoner?"
I hesitate for a moment, but then softly I answer, "No." He is here by choice. He could have left and never come back. He could still leave if he wanted to. Now that he knows the truth, the ball is in his court… somewhat.
"Will you ever let me be alone with him?" he asks the real question that was on his mind.
I close my eyes and exhale. "Tobias… don't," I beg him.
"Don't what?" he scoffs. "I think it's a reasonable question."
"Made in incredibly aberrant circumstances," I reply, my frustration heard. When I see the hurt in his eyes I say, "I know you're upset that I won't let you talk to Andy, but-"
"Not at you," he quickly clarifies. "I understand. I just… It feels like I'm being punished." He looks away from me and the muscles in his neck and jaw all clench.
"You're not," I assure him, shaking my head. It might feel that way to him, but it's not just about him. It's about Andy too.
I look at the sheet in his hands which are still wrapped in the bandages my mother had placed over them. It reminds me, "You never did tell me whose blood you were covered in."
He huffs. "Does it matter?" he gives me an eye.
"Yes, it does."
"Why?" he snaps at me.
"Because that is not how we are going to resolve this," I say strongly.
His whole face is stiff now. "Then how? What's your plan?" he asks softly, but he seems upset.
I sigh into my chest. "I don't know, Tobias, but what I don't plan is to be on the run my entire life. I want you, me, and our son to have as normal a life as possible when this is all over, but we won't be able to do that if you go on a killing spree," I say nervously, because I know Tobias, and I know he would do just that.
Tobias was the best at what he did, and I saw it for myself during my training. Three of the other initiates had attacked me, threatened by my rise through the rankings. Tobias had been waiting up for me and when I didn't show he came looking. He found me just in time, just as Peter, Al and Drew tried to throw me into the chasm. It would have scared me, how livid he was, had I not been already terrified for my life. In awe, I watched him fight the three of them as if he were a machine- an agile, powerful, killing machine. And he would have killed them if I weren't there to drag him back into his senses.
Tobias shakes his head at me incredulously. "Normal," he says gutturally.
"What? You think that's too much to ask?" I question, and then I'm suddenly afraid to hear his answer.
Tobias is quiet for a while and he stares blankly at the wall behind me. "It's irreversible- the serum my mother gave me," he eventually says through his teeth, and I stiffen. "I am never getting my memories back, so if that's the sort of normalcy you're waiting for, you'll be gravely disappointed." His back sinks deeper into the wall and he swallows so hard I can hear it.
"Are you sure she was telling the truth?" I ask him, my voice trembling. It's not that it would change how I feel about him. It's just that I hadn't for a second considered that this might be permanent.
"For once in her life, she was," he growls, "And I'm not sitting around waiting for some miracle to happen. They will pay for what they did to me and what they made me do, every single one of them." I see the anger taking up space in his eyes and I see his crimes long before he ever does them.
"And in one final and senseless act of revenge, you will get yourself killed or end up spending the rest of your life in prison," I caution him, pulling the sheet from his hands and throwing it on the mattress. I walk back over to the locker and pull out a single pillow, my own way of urging him to get some rest. Being tired and angry is far worse than just being angry.
"So I'm just supposed to stay here and do nothing?" he says lividly. He glances at the mattress on the floor and then back at me.
"You're supposed to be patient, Tobias," I urge him pleadingly, knowing full well what could happen if we don't tread carefully.
"Patient?!" he cries out.
"Yes. Patient," I say strongly. I drop the pillow on the blanket and walk back over to him. "I know this is hard, but-"
"Do you really?" he rebuts me.
"Don't go there," I warn him with a stern voice, realizing the peace is about to be broken.
"Why not? What makes you think you have any idea how hard this is for me?! What makes you think you have the right to tell me how to handle this?!"
"Do you really think this is only hard for you?" I snap. "Tobias, I can't even look at you without feeling wrecked! And I have been up and down with my son-"
"-Our son," he snarls.
"Fine. Our son," I correct myself heatedly, "in the middle of the night, when all he is supposed to be doing is sleeping. I am on the run from my own people and yours, with a treason charge dangling above my head because I am out here trying to save your difficult ass! But this is hard for you?!"
He gives me a disbelieving look. "Yes! It is! Because I have been lied to in ways you couldn't even begin to imagine. Everything I thought I knew, turns out I don't! And you can't just expect that to change because you showed up!"
His words hurt so much that for a few seconds all I can do is stand there and look at him and wait for him to take them back. My eyes begin to fill with tears when he doesn't. Maybe I'm being unfair, considering he doesn't actually remember me the way I remember him, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
"I see," is all I say. I step out of the room.
"Tris," he runs behind me. "Tris, wait." But I feel like I want to escape him, like maybe I should.
Maybe Christina was right. Maybe I should really think about the consequences of what I'm doing considering that Tobias and I might not be on the same page, and if he doesn't get his memories back, we might never be. Maybe I'm fooling myself thinking I could trust him to do what's in our best interest.
"Just leave me alone." I wipe away the single tear rolling down my cheek and I walk toward the large metal door protecting me from whatever's out there waiting for me.
"Tris, where are you going?"
I ignore him, feeling too hurt to try and find an answer.
"Tris-"
"What do you care?!"
"Of course I care! You're putting yourself in danger! Both the Dauntless and factionless are after you! It's not safe out there for you alone," he says behind me.
"I've been alone, Tobias. I've been alone for the past five years," I say, punching in the code to unlock the door. "I think I can manage for a few hours."
"You throw that in my face as if this is my fault. As if I chose to leave," he says angrily. "Yet you say I'm not being punished."
Before entering the last few numbers, I turn around and confess, "I know you didn't choose to leave, Tobias. None of this is your fault, but neither is it mine." I swallow. "So I don't think I deserve to pay for it in any way," my voice breaks. "I've already gone through hell once… and I'm not trying to go through it again."
"I'm not the enemy here, Tris," Tobias says quietly.
"You're not… but you can be," I say to him. "The decisions you're making now are the ones that will determine whether or not you get to reclaim what was taken from you. And regardless of what you think, you can't do it on your own. It's going to take the both of us."
"So why are you leaving, Tris?" he begs, his eyes wide and pleading.
"Because I need to think about the risks I'm taking. I need to decide whether or not this is all worth it," I answer honestly.
My answer surprises him so much that his breath catches in his throat. "And if you decide it's not?" he asks quietly.
"Then when Andy's had enough rest, I'll take him and leave. You'll be free to kill whoever you want and the consequences will be your own." The words incite as much pain in me as they seem to in Tobias.
He shakes his head and lowly says, "You can't keep him away from me forever."
"I can... and I will if I have to," I admit. "I won't let you hurt him."
"Why do you think I would hurt him?!" Tobias demands, throwing his hands up in the air.
"You already did!" I answer strongly. "Last night when you left."
His mouth hangs open. "I- I needed answers… and I went and got them from the only person who had them."
"But you can't just leave him!" I try to explain. "He worries about you, and he's scared that you'll disappear from his life again. And you don't think it would ultimately hurt him if you kept making brash decisions?! What if you didn't manage to escape Evelyn? Or do you really think you can take on all of her men? And even if you could, do you think you could take on Dauntless too when they come for you? Do you want to watch your son grow up from behind bars?" Taking a step closer to him I say, "He loves you and he doesn't even know you. So think before you act. This is not just about you, Tobias. Don't for a second think this is just about you." I pause, and Tobias only stares at me. "Now that he knows you're alive, he might… expect that you're here for good." In fact I know he does. Only an hour ago, I did too.
Tobias' shoulders sink. "And what do you expect?"
"I don't know what to expect anymore," I whisper.
"Stay," he pleads quietly. "Please. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Tris," he confesses. "But I know I can't walk around here and pretend that I am okay, because I am not."
"And you think I am?" I ask him. "But I am trying. I am here taking dangerous risks for a man who doesn't even remember who I am, because I believed we might actually have a second chance. I guess I forgot to ask you if that was what you wanted."
"It is what I want," he takes my hand and looks right into my eyes; it gives me goose bumps. "I want my family back."
"More than revenge?" I ask him softly. "Because you might have to choose between the two."
Finally understanding, Tobias closes his eyes, then he nods and whispers, "I'm sorry. I'd never mean to hurt you or Andy. I just… I have all this anger inside me, and I don't know what to do with it. I have nowhere to put it." He takes a breath, a long desperate breath.
"You will get your chance," I reassure him, because he will if we play our cards right. "But I need you to trust me."
"I do," he says softly, and I know he does, or he wouldn't have come back.
I squeeze his hand a little, and then, all on his own, Tobias confesses, "Most of the blood was Tony's. He was a man who posed as my friend for the past five years. He knew what Evelyn had done to me and he played along; he was her spy." He takes in a slow breath. "Finding out he was a part of the plot to keep me there, away from you, away from Andy, I… I lost control."
He takes a step toward me and takes my face into his hands. "I can't explain it," he continues, "And I can't fight it. The anger… it's deeper than I can put into words, than I can understand… because I don't remember. And at first I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I can't deny it anymore. Tris, I love you… for a thousand reasons I can't remember," his voice breaks. "I feel the urge to protect and defend you at all costs even though I don't know the first thing about you, and the fact that those memories were stolen from me, you and the opportunity to raise my son were stolen from me, it drives me insane… and I don't know if I can control it."
As Tobias' stare penetrates me, I feel the water build in my eyes and I don't know if it's from hope or from despair. Up until tonight, his actions have always led me to believe that something in him still cared for me, and it's what drove me to act as I did. But hearing him say it out loud provokes more emotion in me than I could have ever imagined and it terrifies me.
Softly I say to him, "You know what's driving me insane? I remember."
I remember all the reasons I love him, why I would do anything for him. I remember the things he would do or say to make me laugh, the things he did that made me upset. I remember how he couldn't go more than a few hours without touching me, kissing me, and the way he looked into my eyes when he made love to me for the first time. I remember how I spiralled into oblivion after he died. I remember the pain so vividly; it was like being burned alive. And leaving him, even if it meant to keep Andy away from danger, would tear me apart all over again, because I can no longer separate the man he was from the man he is; deep down I believe they are one and the same.
With tears in my eyes, I walk back to the spare room and I turn off the light. Tobias walks in carefully and he says my name quietly when he finds me sobbing into the pillow. Behind me, he lays himself on the mattress and he pulls me into him so that my back is flush against his chest.
"I fell apart, Tobias," I whimper, staring at the wall. "I felt something die inside me the very second they told me you were gone. There was this hole in my chest that I couldn't get rid of. I couldn't move, I couldn't eat, and sometimes it felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was going to die too, and I probably would have. But one morning I woke up in a pool of my own blood. Christina took me to the infirmary, and that's when I found out I was pregnant," I choke out, remembering the day as if it were yesterday. I was terrified, I was in pain; I was pregnant and my husband was dead. "I almost lost him," I continue to say. "The doctors told me if I didn't pull myself together, I would. I didn't want to lose my baby so I had to find the strength. He was the only piece of you I had left," I cry. "He was born a few weeks early, but everything was okay and he came home with me. And since then he's been my entire world."
I turn around to face Tobias, his arms still wrapped around me. His eyes are glossy and his face pained. "I don't want to go through the pain of losing you again," I cry, "but I can't lose him. And I swear I don't want to abandon you, Tobias. I don't. You've been abandoned way too many times." I place my hand on his face as the tears stream down mine. "But I will if I have to. So if you will be reckless, let me know, because I will not put our son at risk."
In the darkness, he stares into my eyes and I can see the fear and doubt in his.
"We've both lost so much, but we haven't lost each other, Tobias," I tell him, shaking my head. "I'm right here, Andy is right here and we're yours… Why would you do anything to jeopardize that? For just a moment, as incredibly hard as it is, don't allow yourself to be consumed by what you've lost. Focus on the chance we have to be a family again. Can you do that? For me? For Andy?"
I bite my lip to stop it from shaking and I wait for an answer. But not for long.
"You're right," Tobias says remorsefully, closing his eyes. He takes a breath and says, "I'm sorry, Tris." He lifts his lips to my forehead and he places a tender kiss there. He pulls me closer and I feel warm against his chest. His lips against my skin, his gentleness, it's so familiar, and even in my pain it forces the slightest of smiles out of me. It's not a stranger lying next to me, with his loving arms wrapped around me, with the strength and control to make his demons heel. This is my Tobias.
