Chapter 17
TOBIAS
"I'm done," I hear Tris say softly.
I look up to see her stepping out of the bathroom with nothing but a white towel wrapped around her. Her wet hair sticks to her neck and shoulders, and small droplets of water run down her arms and legs. My eyes somehow manage to capture every single drop as they slowly make their way down her body, making her shimmer under the dim light.
I'm sure I stare for longer than a minute, and I only remember to blink when I feel my eyes start to burn. She looks exactly like she did in my dreams, not a day older and just as beautiful. Except that in my dreams I'd walk up to her and kiss her without hesitation, I'd take her into my arms and playfully rip the drenched towel right off her skin. But I'm not dreaming, and as much as the tension between us has shifted from discord to desire practically overnight, I don't deny there's still awkwardness there.
On my part, it might be because when I touch her I'm filled with both love for her and hate for my mother. When I kiss her I want to pull her in closer while at the same time wanting to leave this bunker and set everything else on fire. I love her, but I hate that I can't remember why, and sometimes I don't know which is stronger.
"Tobias?" Tris whispers when I've stared for a little bit too long.
"Yeah," I say quickly, and I clear my throat. I'm sure she hears me when I swallow. "Yeah, okay," I say nervously, and I grab a towel from the locker then quickly walk past her into the bathroom. I let out a heavy breath when I close the door behind me, and I can only seem to think about her as I get undressed. I can't deny how much I want her, and I know she wants me too, since we're both so terribly bad at hiding it. But although I secretly wish we would stop trying to, I fear ruining things between us. The love I feel is real, but based on a life with Tris I can't remember, and Tris loves that man, but is that man really me?
Needing to clear my head, I stand under the shower and close my eyes as the warm water trickles down my face. I instantly feel relaxed when it touches my skin and rushes down the length of my body.
It was Tris' idea that a warm bath might help us fall asleep a little easier; it's the middle of the night but it might as well be mid-afternoon because she and I are both wide awake after having slept for most of the day. I sigh, hoping a long bath is enough, because my mind is so full yet so empty that it's hard to not think about anything for long enough to fall asleep.
When I'm done showering, I search through the bag of clothes Zeke brought until I find a dark T-shirt and a pair of shorts that both fits and is comfortable enough to sleep in. I slip it on and I hang my towel up behind the door and walk back into the room. I find Tris lying down peacefully under the covers with her beautiful blue-grey eyes wide open.
"At least Andy's asleep," I say with a smile, walking over to where she lies.
"For now," Tris groans. "Don't be surprised if he wakes us up at two in the morning."
"I really wouldn't be," I shrug. "He slept for most of the day. As did we."
"Oh no, he almost always wakes me up in the middle of the night," Tris says with a chuckle. She lifts the sheet up, inviting me under. "If he's not hungry, it's because he had a bad dream and wants to sleep in my bed."
I imagine it in my head without even trying to and I can't help but smile. "He's an amazing kid, Tris," I whisper, and I lay myself beside her. "But then again, you are an amazing mother." I say the words earnestly, remembering everything she said to me last night. Strangely, I felt comforted knowing she'd risk anything but Andy to save me. It's like he awakened a paternal instinct inside me that I never would have imagined existed.
"Well… I didn't exactly raise him all by myself," Tris shrugs and she shuffles her body until she's a little closer to me. "I had some help from our friends."
"The same people who helped you kidnap me?" I ask somewhat seriously.
"Yes," Tris laughs, propping herself up on her elbow.
"Well, I'm grateful there were people looking out for him after I was gone," I say with sincerity. "I guess it's safe to say I had great and loyal company," which is much more than can be said about the company I kept at the factionless. I easily killed the person I thought was my only friend.
"Your friends would do anything for you, Tobias, and they would do anything for Andy. Especially Zeke and Harry."
Zeke is hard to read, but I can see he really cares for Tris and Andy. He's supposedly my best friend; it makes sense that he would look out for them after I was gone. It was definitely awkward seeing him with them though. I can see they made their own little family without me. Truth be told it made me a little jealous.
"Zeke seems nervous around me," I confess quietly to Tris. I pull the covers up a little higher when I feel a slight chill in the room.
"And you around him," she answers. "It's strange to look at, because you two were like brothers. But I guess that's expected since you don't actually remember that."
"I guess so," I say with a slight frown, wondering if that's the same reason she feels awkward around me. I've realized now that this is hard for everyone who ever knew me- the fact that I don't remember them. "Has he radioed in yet?" I suddenly remember to ask. He should have arrived at Dauntless by now. I'm not too certain his plan will work, but for now it's the only plan we have.
"Ugh. I forgot to take the radio," Tris groans, holding her head.
"Don't worry. I'll get it," I assure her when her unwillingness to get out of bed is plastered on her face.
"Thank you," she whispers with a small smile, and I get up from the mattress and make my way into the kitchen. I open the cupboards above the sink and push my hand all the way to the back, pulling out the radio. When I walk back into the room, Tris eyes me suspiciously and asks, "How did you know where it was?"
I place the small radio beside the mattress and then I lie down again. This time I wrap my arm around her waist, only because the urge to do so is too strong.
"The same way I remembered the passcode for the door and found you in Abnegation," I admit. "If I don't think about things too hard, they just… come to me. I think there are still some things there in my subconscious."
She nods and there is a hint of hopefulness in her eyes. "Do you know what the numbers are? The passcode?"
"No," I shake my head. I've never seen those numbers before in my life.
"They spell my name on the keypad," she smiles sweetly. "The name I had when you first met me. Beatrice Prior."
I give her an eye, remembering her mother did call her Beatrice. "And how did Beatrice become Tris?"
"You," she laughs, and she playfully pushes me in the shoulder. "You had the audacity to tell me the name my mother chose for me when she first laid eyes on me was unsuitable."
Effortlessly, she makes me laugh, and as we lie face to face I can't help but wish I could remember her, really remember her. If I feel this way about her now while not having a single memory, I can't imagine how wonderful every day with her must have been.
"Tell me about us," I say, staring into her eyes.
Tris' face suddenly becomes serious. "What do you want to know?" she whispers.
At first I think to tell her I want to know everything, but then I remember something that troubled me from our conversation with Zeke. I scoot myself a little closer to her and ask, "Did I often keep things from you?" remembering the way her face had sunk when she spoke of me meeting Evelyn in secret.
At first Tris seems surprised by my question. But eventually she answers, "You often wanted to… but I hardly ever let you."
"But why did I want to?"
Tris sighs, and she takes a few breaths before she explains, "It was difficult for you to open up sometimes. You didn't have the best childhood, and it made you a bit… closed off."
I nod a little, remembering she had said that my father was no better than my mother. "But even with you?" I ask again, not understanding how that could be. It goes against everything I'm feeling right now.
"Sometimes I had to beg you over and over again to just talk to me," Tris replies. "I don't know how many times we fought about it."
Tris' eyes sink just a bit, and I suddenly feel gravely disappointed in myself, even if it's a version of me I don't remember. I ache at the thought of hurting her.
"We were married, weren't we?" I suddenly ask. Tris stares at me, probably wondering where the question came from, but I had wanted to ask since this morning. There's an intimate familiarity between us that goes far beyond romance or companionship. I can read her eyes the way she is able to read my actions; I can sense her emotions and she can sense mine. Without being told, I know we are two parts of a whole. "We fight like a married couple," I say, making a poor attempt at explaining myself when Tris is silent for too long.
She smiles nervously for a moment. "We are… married. Technically." She bites her bottom lip. "After you were presumed dead, Dauntless issued me your death certificate to present to Amity so they could update their registry and I could re-acquire my maiden name if I should so choose. But… I never took it in."
"Why not?"
"I just couldn't," she whispers and she places a gentle hand on my cheek.
"And why did we get married in Amity?" I ask curiously, placing my hand over hers.
"We eloped," she grins. "It wasn't planned. It just… happened. We had a moment and conveniently there was a priestess nearby."
I smile a little. We were spontaneous I see. "How long ago?"
"Next month would make ten years… for half of which you were… dead," she cringes. "So I guess it's really just five."
"But we were together before that."
"Yes," Tris quickly says. "Two years- five if you count our juvenile Abnegation adventures."
I shift a little on the mattress. "I'm asking a lot of questions, aren't I?" I ask nervously, hoping I don't seem too eager.
Tris blushes at me and she runs her fingers through my wet hair. "You can ask me anything you want to, Tobias." She rubs her feet against mine and the feeling is indescribable. Her skin is so smooth and warm.
Taking her up on her offer, I ask, "Why did we leave Abnegation?"
"We were different," she says seriously.
"Divergent," I assume.
"Yes." She eyes me curiously as she answers.
I had heard about it from Evelyn a few times. I had no idea it applied to me, but it makes sense now. I had believed that growing up factionless is what made me feel like I could never really belong in one specific place, but it was always my Divergence.
"So we were happy? In Dauntless?" I continue to ask. I snake my arm around her waist again, pulling her closer into me, right where I want her.
"When we were together, yes. Being with you in Dauntless was the most at home I'd ever felt. I felt so free," Tris says sweetly. "You did too. I think it was like an escape for us. Some people change factions so they can be new people. You and I… we just wanted to be ourselves."
I nod understandingly. "Why do the others call me Four?"
"It's a Dauntless thing," Tris answers with a smirk. "During our training we have to face our worst fears. Most people have ten or fifteen. You only had four."
"Four fears?" I pinch my eyebrows together. It's strange hearing what a good man I was, strong and brave and fearless, hero of Dauntless. I don't think I've ever felt that important or significant amongst the factionless, even though I was their leader's son and leader of their army.
"Is this a Dauntless thing too?" I slowly sit up and I pull the dark T-shirt over my head so she can see my tattoos. I had seen her staring at the one on my chest before, at her mother's house in Abnegation.
"The tattoos? Yes." Tris sits up too and she slowly traces her fingers along the bird over my heart; she looks deep in thought. I remember when she had just taken me, and she told me about my tattoos to prove that she knew me.
"Does it mean anything?"
"Yes," she smiles. "I have the same one." She pulls the neck of her small white shirt to the side, revealing her left collarbone. I gasp a little when I see them, three birds in flight, birds identical to mine. "One for my mom, my dad and my brother," she explains. "When I told you the ravens were for my family, you got one for me."
Because she was my family, she needn't explain.
"And what about this?" I turn around and show her the large one on my back. I remember the first time I saw it, I was so amazed. I asked my mother but of course she couldn't tell me what it meant. Since then its meaning always plagued me, so I hold my breath, anxiously waiting for Tris' explanation.
"You said it represented what you wanted to be," she whispers. She rubs her fingertips down my back and it feels incredible; the skin of my arm is instantly filled with goose bumps. "Brave, honest, selfless, smart, and kind… although you frequently struggled with kindness." She chuckles. "And it covered your scars. You never told me if that was on purpose but I always thought it was."
"My scars?" I turn my head around a little.
"Yes," she answers softly, and she continues to rub her fingers along my back, tracing the flames into my sides. "Your father was a monster. I think that's why your mother left."
"Does Marcus know about Andy?" I suddenly inquire.
"No," Tris answers sharply. "Nor will he ever."
I completely turn around and I look her in the eye. I sit face to face with the only person who knows every last thing about me, even the darker things- the broken things. And here she is wanting a chance to be with me again even though I don't remember anything about her. I'm sure at one point I knew all her secrets too, but I don't anymore and it seems so unfair to her. She deserves someone who knows her inside and out as well. I can tell she has no interest in entertaining my arch nemesis, Derek, but I'm sure others did try.
"Tris," I say her name pleadingly, and it glides so sweetly, so smoothly off my tongue, I know without a doubt I've said it at least a million times. "How come you never…" I pause. I'm so close to her now I can't deny the way she pulls me in. I take her left hand and I rub my thumb over the length of her empty ring finger. For a second I wonder where my own wedding ring is, or if I ever had one at all.
"Found someone else?" Tris finishes for me.
I nod.
Tris takes my hand and slowly she rubs it alongside her arm. My breath catches when I feel her soft skin filled with goose bumps under my fingertips
"Because you're the only person who does that to me," she answers, and I understand entirely. If it was impossible for me to move on without my memories, how hard it must have been for her.
"It's mutual," I whisper with a smile, letting her run her fingers up my arm. "I don't remember anything else except your face and how I feel about you," I gently touch her cheek. "And even without my memories I know I've never felt anything that compares to this." The way she calms me, the way I couldn't stay away from her, the way I had to protect her, the way I felt something drastically shift inside me when I saw how hurt she was, I believe it's all a testament to how deeply rooted my love for her really is.
"I had a feeling," Tris blushes. "It's how I knew you wouldn't hurt me."
When Tris wraps her arms around my neck, I can't help but press my face to hers, and my lips find her own in less than a second. They are warm and sweet and inviting, and I hungrily part them with my tongue, wanting to taste every part of her mouth. I grip her arms when she fiercely returns my kiss, her hands exploring my chest and back. When I run my hands up her sides, I shiver at the feel of her smooth skin.
Her fingers slide up over my hair and curl into it, tugging it ever so slightly, and she sighs my name against my mouth. My hands, once steady, now shake as the intensity of the kiss continues to rise, and they climb up and under her shirt to eagerly explore her.
I pause, but Tris slips her hand over my own and pushes it upward, until her full, supple breast rests in the palm of my hand.
"I might not want to stop," I confess against her lips before it goes too far.
"I wouldn't ask you to," Tris replies, and she hungrily claims my lips again. My fingers twitch with desire as I feel her, and they seem to roam her body without my permission now that they have hers.
Tris' hands leave my own and she draws her shirt into her fists. She breaks away from the kiss only to pull her shirt over her head. She finds me again, and our bodies are flush now; her engorged nipples rub fiercely against my chest and I become mad with desire. I kiss her harder now and as my arms are wrapped around her it doesn't feel like she's another person, it feels like she is an extension of not only my body, but my soul, and with every touch I ache to be closer, to become one again.
I lay her down on the mattress, and my lips kiss the sweet skin of her neck. I work my way down, tenderly kissing and caressing her breasts. Tris gasps loudly as I taste her nipples, properly paying my respects to them before kissing her navel. She smiles a small, shy smile, as I trace my fingers against the tiny scars beneath there, the evidence of our son. And as I kiss her there, my thumbs rub at her thighs, slipping under the hem of her shorts. Tris moans ever so slightly, and impatiently she begins to push the tiny garment off her. I oblige her, pulling it down her legs until she's completely bare in front of me.
"You are so beautiful," I whisper, balancing myself on my knees, between her legs.
Her face filled with emotion, she puts her hands on my waist and draws me toward her. She slips her hands under my boxers, and her skin against the most sensitive parts of me drives me wild- wilder than I already am. I kick the garment off me, wanting nothing more between us, and Tris' hand instantly grips me and she strokes me up and down.
I moan loudly into her ear, suddenly feeling overtaken by pleasure.
To my surprise, Tris pushes me over so that she's on top of me. She's strong, stronger than she looks. She kisses me ferociously, battling my tongue with her own, and then she leaves tiny wet kisses all along the length of my chest. I heave with pleasant surprise when I feel the warmth of her mouth suddenly claim me, and my hips buck forward on their own. She works confidently with her hands and mouth, knowing exactly what I want, and she doesn't hold back. I'm shocked, but with full appreciation for her fearlessness as she gives it all to me until I'm unable to catch my breath.
My hands find her soft hair, and my thighs begin to tremble. Then, just as I think I'm about to explode, she stops, and she climbs to sit on top of me. Slowly, she slides me inside her, and she cries out sweetly as I gasp at how warm and tight she is inside. "Oh Tris," I moan under my breath as she rides me like the devil, and I have to grab on to her hips to slow her down so I can enjoy her for longer, although the view alone of the perfect mounds on her chest is enough to make me come undone.
Before it's too late, I flip us back over, and her fingers are in my hair again, egging me on as I thrust inside her. She moans my name, over and over again, just like she always did in my dreams, only it sounds so much better in real life. I caress her as we move in sync, and I feel it inside- the way my body has memorized hers. I know exactly where to touch, where to rub, where to kiss, where to clutch at. I know how to twist her, I know the depth and angle to make her lose control. I rely on my instincts, trusting them to give her what she wants, and they do not fail me.
With one final gasp, Tris climaxes, clenching so tight around me that she brings me along with her.
I breathe hard into the mattress, making pathetic attempts to catch my breath. I only stop when I realize Tris' breaths are unsteady too, but not like before. When I move to look at her I realize she's crying and I instantly take her face into my palms.
"Tris, what's wrong?" I say frantically, hoping my fears haven't materialized and I didn't ruin everything with my unchecked desire for her. "Did I-"
She shakes her head at me a number of times. "No," she whimpers, and the tears flood down her cheeks. She tries to smile a little but she fails. Tris rubs at my cheek slowly and then she presses a tender kiss to my lips. "I've missed you so much," she cries, and I instantly pull her into my chest, holding her tight to me. I've realized her tears are my kryptonite.
"I've missed you too," I utter lovingly, remembering every second I craved something without knowing what it was, every morning I looked longingly beside me and not knowing who I was looking for.
Tris sniffles and her hands grab tightly on to my arms. Her face is still pressed against my chest, right over my heart. I hold her closer because I can feel it too, the reason neither of us could forget about the other.
"I love you, Tris," I whisper tenderly into her hair. "So much. I never stopped loving you."
And with a sweet kiss against my chest, she whispers back, "I love you too."
A/N: Is this the moment we've all been waiting for? :D Can't wait to find out! R&R
