Chapter 25
TRIS
I'm unaware of how much time has passed since I've been inside this cell, but it has felt like weeks. It's only because I've showered exactly four times since I was brought here, I know it hasn't actually been that long. Assuming I'm being fed three meals a day like a normal human being, I haven't been here for more than a week.
But I won't be here any longer.
Derek holds true to his promise, and he arrives shortly after I've finished eating what I believe was supposed to have been breakfast. It wasn't any better than usual, but I ate with a bit more enthusiasm since it came along with the clothes I was wearing when I had been captured. They'd been washed and neatly folded, though I'm sure the only reason I can't see Tobias' blood on them is because they're black. I wasted no time changing into them.
"I want to see Four," is the first thing out of my mouth before Derek even opens the cell door. "And don't you dare tell me I can't."
He doesn't look me in the eye and he leisurely takes the keys out of his pocket. He unlocks the door so slowly it's painful, and grudgingly he says, "He applied to have the separation order lifted a few days ago. It was initially declined, but I verified with Amity and it turns out you two are still legally married." Derek finally looks at me and if I didn't know any better I'd say he looks disheartened, as if he ever had an actual chance of being with me and now it's crushed. "Not that I could trust anything that comes out of Johanna's mouth, considering you were found on her grounds after she was specifically asked to not render aid, and I've long gathered she doesn't care too much for me."
"Johanna didn't know we were there," I answer levelly, trying to not sound like a liar.
"If you say so," he quips. "Anyway, given you're no longer a part of Four's investigation, I ultimately approved his request."
When Derek swings open the cell door, the moment feels too unreal. There are no cuffs around my wrists, no guard to escort me outside, and though I am wearing an ankle monitor, the air still smells like freedom. And though it's tainted with Derek's motives, a large part of me is grateful I'll be able to hold and kiss my baby today.
"And Andy?" I ask quietly as I take the first step out of the cell. "Will my son be able to see his father?" I only ask because I know Tobias will be guarded around the clock, and although I have no intention of keeping Andy away from his father, reuniting them will be a hell of a lot easier if no one were trying to stop me.
"I don't see why not," Derek answers too calmly. He places a hand on his hip and leans against the bars of the cell. He doesn't even put up a fight.
I don't know how I feel about this new etiquette of his. His arrogance I can handle because I'm used to it, because I know where it stems from. But as he looks at me with eyes filled with something close to rationality when he answers me, it worries me. He's never reasonable if not for his own gain.
"That's it? Andy can see his father?" I ask with a hint of disbelief. Surely, no harm can come from Tobias seeing his son, which is exactly why I'd expect Derek would try to keep them apart- exert his power just to show us he can.
"Would you rather I say no?"
"No," I answer quickly, and I fold my arms in front of my chest. "I'm just surprised you're going to waste this perfectly good opportunity to piss me off."
"I'm done trying to stop you, Tris." He shakes his head slowly, and a thin lock of hair falls in front of his eyes. "What you do with your freedom is your choice."
I won't deny his answer makes me uneasy. It's difficult to swallow that Derek would do anything simply because it was the right thing to do. It makes me wonder if this freedom comes at a cost, if maybe he's giving me leeway because in his mind my husband is already dead.
I swallow hard as I turn around to leave the dark, cold holding area. I don't look behind me and Derek doesn't follow me. I walk past several guards on my way out, and they all nod when I walk by. I can spot curiosity in their eyes, but also respect. I'm sure they all know Dr. Hemming's diagnosis is bullshit, but they won't question why I'm being allowed to walk free, and I suddenly wonder if it's a result of who Derek is or who I am. I wonder what they think of me. I wonder if they believe I betrayed my faction, or even my husband. After all, Derek had been spreading rumours of a false relationship between us for more than a year. Someone who doesn't know any better could easily come to very false and troubling conclusions, each of which I find repulsive.
When I finally make it into the hallway, I have to shield my eyes from the sudden change in lighting. The Dauntless compound really isn't that bright, but I've spent days in almost total darkness.
I turn left, bypassing the more trafficked areas of Dauntless. Harrison lives on one of the top floors of the compound so I decide to stop at the infirmary before I go get Andy since it's much closer. The last time I walked this route my hands were cuffed behind my back, and Chad was angrily walking behind me because I'd just crushed his windpipe. It feels like forever ago now.
My feet begin to move faster all on their own and my palms begin to sweat. Then, when the infirmary comes into view, my heart dives into my stomach. I'm that much closer to Tobias.
I push the doors open anxiously, and I make my way to the nurse's station when I see who's sitting there.
"Mrs. Eaton," Paula greets me with a warm smile, the way she always does. She's the only nurse who gets Andy to willing take his vaccinations; in fact, even when he's sick, he'll only agree to come to the infirmary when Paula is working. "I didn't expect to see you," she says softly, and she quickly diverts her attention from the computer screen and whatever it was she was just typing.
When she stands to her feet, I can't help but tearfully ask, "How is he?" I swallow hard, only now realizing that as much as I ache to see Tobias, I'm terrified of going inside that room. The last time I saw him so fragile and pale, it tore me to pieces.
She sets a comforting hand on my shoulder. "He's not out of the woods yet, Mrs. Eaton, but he's definitely much better than before. He spends most of his time sleeping, but every couple hours he wakes up to walk around. He's determined to heal."
I chuckle though my eyes are wet, feeling relief wash through me. "Yeah, that sounds like him." Tobias being strong enough to walk around is enough to give me the strength I need to walk inside that room. I turn around and stare at the door. There's a guard blocking it, but she quickly steps aside when she makes eye contact with me.
"You can go in," Paula tells me. "I won't let anyone bother you."
"Thank you," I smile kindly at her. "I won't stay long. But I'll be back later with Andy."
"Of course."
Taking a long and deep breath, I turn to make my way toward Tobias' room.
"Ma'am," is all the guard says to me with a nod when I'm standing in front of the door. I find it strange she'd address me as though I were still a leader when technically I'm not.
I return her nod before slowly opening the door and stepping inside. And there he is, the eternal love of my life, fast asleep on his back. His hair is messy and his legs are spread apart a little. His breathing is steady and his lips are sweetly parted. If it weren't for the tube in his side and the stitches down his abdomen, it would be a perfect picture of how I often found him asleep in our bed after work.
I walk up to the bed and lightly rub his hair. Up close, I notice his skin is not as pale and I smile when I see his stitches are not as raw. He looks better, stronger, more like my Tobias.
I slip my shoes off my feet and gently lay myself beside him. He is warm and fresh and alive. I smile into his chest and the tears begin to flow before I can stop them. Where there was once fear, I feel hope. Where there was once the indescribable pain of losing half of my soul, there is gratefulness because he's come back to me.
TOBIAS
It's the smell of her hair that wakes me. I remember it now so vividly. It takes me to a thousand different places, all of which she was against my chest, her hair pressed against my nose and her arms wrapped tight around me.
It takes me back to the day she fell through that hole in the roof of Dauntless and crashed into the net. I had told Harry she was coming, and he told me unfortunately Derek would have to train her so no one could accuse me of being partial. But before I surrendered her to him, I pulled her out of that net and kissed her so hard her lips were swollen after.
It takes me back to the many nights where we'd sit dangerously close to the rushing water of the chasm, the rock where we shared endless kisses, shutting out the noise of Dauntless and being exceedingly glad we were safe and we could be together.
It takes me back to that night in Amity when I realized she was my heartbeat, she was the air I breathe and I couldn't live without her, and if I could I'd move the sun if I thought it would make her smile. So right then and there I asked her to marry me, because I didn't want to wake up for a single day and not find her lying next to me.
"Tris," I barely manage to whisper her name when I hear her sniffling beside me. I more easily bear the endless pain in my body than the sound of Tris crying. "Tris," I say her name again, and I shift my body a little, enough for her to know I'm awake.
"Tobias?" I hear her whisper, and she lifts her face from the crook of my neck.
I pull back a little so I can look at her, and my soul beams with longing. I've ached to see her since the second I opened my eyes, and now she's here tucked beside me, right where she belongs. "Hello, Love," I smile at my wife when I'm finally able to look into those beautiful eyes of hers.
"Tobias," she whimpers softly. "You're awake." In less than a second her hands are caressing my face, and her eyes scan over my wounded body. I can tell she's hesitant, probably afraid she will hurt me. But I want her closer.
"Come here," I say gently, and I bring her into me. My hands find her soft hair, and with the little strength I have, I pull her lips into mine. They're rejuvenating, filling me with life and purpose and love and desire. "You're here," I say tenderly against her lips as I rub my thumb against her cheek. "I'm so glad you're here."
"I'm glad you're okay," she whispers to me, and then she glances at the tube in my side. "Are you in pain?"
"Yes," I admit, and I quickly glance at the bag of blue fluid. "But I've been walking around. Every day it's a bit less. Or maybe just a bit more bearable."
Tris' eyes become wet all over again and she rubs her hand softly through my hair. "I'm so sorry, Tobias." But I don't understand what she's apologizing for.
I hold her face a little tighter. "You're sorry? I'm the one who should be sorry," I say gravely. "I went on a mission and never came back. You thought I was dead, Tris."
"I did," she cries. "And it hurt like hell."
My heart breaks as the tears flow down her cheeks like a river, and I imagine the pain she felt believing I was gone and she'd never see me again. "I'm so sorry this is happening. I'm sorry I left you alone to raise our son. I can't imagine what you went through, Love," I say tenderly. "How are you so strong?"
"Only because I had to be," she whimpers. "But I would have given anything to have you back." And she did. She risked everything to save me.
"You never left me," I say to myself more than to her. "Even when I had no idea who you were."
"I knew you'd come back to me. They say you never forget your first kiss," she smiles through the tears and I chuckle a little, remembering the night I said that to her on a cold Abnegation roof top. "Do you remember everything?"
"All of it," I assure her. "It all came back to me when Chad fired at you. I just knew I had to save you. It was like my most basic instinct," more basic than breathing. I press my forehead against hers and say, "I love you, Beatrice Eaton, with every fibre of my being."
"I love you too," she answers in a soft voice. "And I want to say I miss you, but… that just doesn't sum it up."
"I know," I quickly answer. There really are no words to describe that aching feeling of incompleteness, that void that nothing else could ever fill. "But I'm here now," I whisper against her lips, and I hold her tighter because she never seems to be close enough.
When she places a tender hand on my swollen wrist, I remember she is supposed to be in handcuffs too.
I instinctively look at the door though I know there's no one else in the room. "Where is your guard?" When Tris' eyes break away from mine and apologetically sink to my chest, I realize, "They let you out."
She nods, and with disappointment in her voice she says, "Derek had an Erudite psychologist say I'm suffering from PTSD and Complicated Bereavement. I'm both unfit to stand trial and to testify on your behalf." Rolling her eyes, she says, "I'm supposed to be on house arrest until after your trial."
Although Tris is disappointed, I honestly can't say I'm not filled with the greatest sense of relief and gratitude. This means that no matter what becomes of me, Tris will survive this. "So your charges have been dropped."
"That's what he said," she nods slowly, and she looks up at me again.
"That's good, Tris," I say sternly to her.
She gives me an eye. "I can't testify, Tobias." And she pulls away a little.
I bring her back.
"It's okay," I say to comfort her. "Honestly, it doesn't make things any worse for me."
She bites her lip a little. "He's trying to sabotage you in every way possible. How could he ever justify this?"
Because Derek has always wanted everything that was mine. But for the first time in my life, I'm a little bit glad for it. Derek or not, the charges raised against me are important and unfortunately the evidence is against me. In a typical trial, Tris would go down with me as an accomplice. With Derek overseeing it, he'll at least make sure Tris is safe. "Whatever his intentions, let's just be grateful your name is cleared and you get to be on the outside of this, taking care of Andy."
Knowingly, Tris nods. I think as much as she'd hate to admit it, she is aware Derek's feelings for her might be all that protects her… although it does the very opposite for me.
"And there's no one else I'd want taking care of my son," I smile at her a little when I think of the sweet boy who held me and whispered in my ear that everything would be okay. "He is your greatest gift to me, Tris."
Tris shakes her head. "I think Andy was your gift to me."
I imagine he was the source of her strength after I was gone, and I prove myself wrong in thinking I couldn't possibly love him any more than I already do. "I can't believe I missed watching him grow up," I say with more than a hint of sadness in my voice. "His first words, his first steps, his first day of school."
"You have the rest of his life to make up for it," Tris says evenly. "He has considerably more firsts ahead of him than behind him, Tobias."
Wiping the tears from Tris' eyes, I say, "I really hope so."
She glares at me. "Don't talk like that."
My eyes sink for a moment, but then I look at her again. "Getting caught wasn't part of the plan, Tris. This changes things. You know this."
She pinches her eyebrows together. "But shouldn't it be easier now that you have your memories back?"
"It still doesn't look good for me," I say honestly, needing Tris to understand.
She lets out a breath. "We have to convince Derek to speak to Johanna. She'll be able to confirm you had no memory of your life before the accident and you were being manipulated."
I shrug a little. "Even if he does, it won't change what I've done, Tris. I'll still be sentenced." My face feels heavier all of a sudden. From my knowledge of the law I know I will face execution if found guilty. They won't expel me from the faction because I know too much, and they don't let ex Dauntless leaders rot in jail. Death is somehow considered more appropriate.
"They can't do this to you," Tris pleads. "It's not right."
I swallow hard, and I bring her even closer into me, as painful as it is. "I've done horrible things, Tris," I begin to say. "Things you can't even begin to imagine, and I might have to pay for them in one way or the other." I hang my head when I think of every life I've taken for Evelyn, every weakness of Dauntless I helped expose. "I never should have stayed back to talk to her. They'd all still be alive if I hadn't."
"Don't blame yourself for that, Tobias," Tris says angrily. "That's Evelyn's cross to bear. Not yours."
"And what about all I've done to help her cause?"
"You were misled," she says defensively. "Who could have expected you would have done anything other than what you did?" Her mood suddenly changing, Tris' hands fall from my face to my chest. "You're giving up? Is that it? Why are you so grim now? You were so hopeful before."
"I'm not giving up, Tris," I say insistently, "I'm getting out of this alive. But I have a plethora of Dauntless law in my head… And I know what my real chances of staying in this faction are." I've begun to realize that as long as Derek's in the picture, the only hope I have of staying alive is leaving Dauntless. And as much as I know Zeke or Harry would put a bullet in his head if that's what it took, I'd never ask that of them, not at the risk of their own freedom and livelihood.
"So we'll leave," Tris suggests as if it were the easiest thing in the world to do.
"I've seen what factionless life is like, Tris," I tell her. "Having you and Andy live like that is a last resort, and an equally dangerous one, because I've abandoned them. They stand with Evelyn, so I'm their enemy now."
She looks away from me. "Then I'll keep trying with Derek… He's being a dick but I think he'll let up if I pressure him hard enough."
Knowing exactly where that will lead, I instantly shake my head. "Tris… I know Derek. He's always only in it for himself. And whatever deal he offers you in exchange for my life, don't take it."
"Tobias-"
"I would rather die than live in a prison cell imagining you under Derek's thumb," I say seriously. "And I don't want him anywhere near my son. He is selfish and offensive, and he will drive you to misery. He will hold every favour over your head until one of you dies."
"So what am I supposed to do?" Tris cries, shaking her head at me, and it breaks me. "What are we supposed to do, Tobias? You're telling me we can't stay but you're also telling me we can't leave?"
"Tris look at me," I say, taking her face in my hands again. When it seems like it's too much for her, I take a breath and move over a little on the bed. It's less than an inch but it feels like I moved a ton of bricks. She wraps her arms tight around me, and I say, "My life means nothing if it comes at the cost of your happiness."
"There is no happiness without you, Tobias," she whimpers into my chest. "I tried. I really did try. So where you go, I go, because I can't be without you again."
"I know," I whisper back. I can't be without her either. The connection we share is soul deep, and I'm afraid it might be our undoing. Our unwillingness to live without each other contradicts every plan I've thought of that keeps us both alive.
And I want to live. I want to watch my son grow up. I want Tris and I to have another baby one day. So I won't go down without a fight, but I can't ever forget what's at stake. "I will do everything I can to make sure our family stays together, Tris," I promise her. "I need you to know that."
Looking up at me, Tris bites her lip to keep it from shaking. "I keep wondering where we'd be if we never came here," she says out of nowhere. "To Dauntless. Maybe we'd be on our very own rooftop, laughing at everybody and how stupid they all looked trying to be perfect. You were okay with staying at Abnegation as long as we were together. I was the one who pushed."
"You can't think like that, Tris. Because we are here, and it was both our decision," I kiss her forehead. "All we can do now is reclaim the time we've lost."
She nods, but I can see the struggle in her eyes. I'm suddenly afraid she'd sacrifice her own freedom in order to guarantee mine.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"Did you and Derek ever…" I don't have the stomach to finish.
She grimaces. "God, no. He asked me out and… I obliged him once, just before I found you. He kissed me, but... it felt wrong. It never would have gone further than that. That's all, I promise," she shakes her head and then her eyes square in on mine. "He said something to you, didn't he?" She gasps when I don't answer. "Of course he did. He's trying to upset you, Tobias."
"I know."
"I don't… have any feelings for him, if that's what you're thinking." She stares at me pleadingly, as though it breaks her heart I'd ever think she'd have feelings for another man.
"Good," I say levelly. "Because he doesn't deserve you, Tris."
"I know," she answers, and after a while she frowns.
"What is it?" I ask as I stroke her hair.
Softly she asks, "Do you think about it? Me being with other people?"
"Honestly I have, but I try not to." It would be unrealistic to think Tris would have spent the rest of her life celibate. And more importantly, it changes nothing between us. "Why? Do you?"
She nods slowly. "Ever since I met Kate… and it makes me feel like a hypocrite. I imagine you being with someone else like you were with me and-"
"No," I don't allow her to finish the thought, and I wrap my fingers behind the crook of her neck. "Never like with you... not once."
I never looked into their eyes. I never squeezed their fingers as they came apart underneath me. Quite honestly I never cared if they were satisfied or not. Because it was never about them. It was only about me fulfilling an animalistic desire to feel some pleasure every now and again. I don't even remember their faces. Kate was the only one who saw the inside of my bedroom more than once, and it was because she seemed to understand that that was all we'd ever be.
I've never craved anyone the way I crave Tris. I've never made love to anyone but her. Truth is, if I had my strength, I'd probably be taking her right now. She's a part of my soul now, and I know that's why my love for her transcends my own mind, my own memories.
"What I wonder is what in the world would I have done if I had come back and you were already with someone else... raising my son." My heart races inside my chest even though that's not the case. And I have no doubt that even if she were with someone else, the second she found out I was alive he wouldn't matter. But the idea of someone living my life, sleeping on my side of the bed, is agonizing.
"Well then I guess we're both guilty of worrying about things we have no reason to worry about." Tris smiles a little.
"We all really should be worrying about Evelyn," I say under my breath, reminding myself of the most pressing matter at hand.
"Do you know where she is?"
"I have ways of finding out. But I don't ever want to see her again." My jaw clenches at the thought of her, all she stole from me. I want so badly to return the favour, ripping her away from everything she loves, everything she needs.
When Tris slides her leg between my own I feel my anger dissipate and I relish the warmth of her. She carefully says, "You know you might have to… if we're going to try and stop the attack from happening."
"I know," I say. Then I remember, "I need to tell you something, but I need you to keep it quiet for now."
"What?"
"Kate told me Chad is Evelyn's informant."
"That son of a bitch," she growls. "I knew it. That's why he wants you dead. He knows their plan won't work if you're working with the Dauntless." She suddenly gasps and her eyes open wide. "Does he know you know?"
"I don't think so. And I need to make sure it stays that way. I'm not in the best position to defend myself."
"Have you told Derek?"
"No. Harrison thinks he might be a part of it too, but I'm not too sure about that." When I gave him my statement, he really didn't seem to have a clue about what was happening with the factionless. And it's not his style. He thinks he's better than them. He'd never affiliate himself with any plan that involved working with them.
"I don't think he is either," Tris says with a sniffle. "He has too much to lose if the faction is overthrown. He owns half of Dauntless. And Derek's a terrible liar; I don't think he's ever needed to lie. Look how far he's gotten being a tactless, entitled jerk. But I still don't trust him."
"Oh, I don't either," I quickly clarify. I can't trust he will believe me, and I can't trust he won't try and have me executed for the fun of it.
Tris' face sinks as if she'd just read my mind.
I gently lift her chin and say, "We're gonna get through this." One way or another, no matter what it takes.
"We will," she whispers, and her lips collide with mine in the sweetest kiss. I pull her closer until her body is flush with mine. I'm suddenly not in pain anymore. Tris always was my most potent remedy.
"I was actually on my way to get Andy when I decided to drop in," she says when she pulls away. "You looked so peaceful and I decided to stay a while. I'll bring him to see you soon… Unless you don't want him to see you like this."
"No, I'd love that," I smile. "I'll always want to see him. I miss him so much."
"Me too," she answers softly, and with tender eyes she asks me, "Do you think he'll be safe here?"
"I don't know." I swallow hard. "But the second you think he isn't, get him out of here, Tris."
Tris is quiet, and I imagine I know why. If Evelyn decides to attack before I gain back my strength, I'm a sitting duck. Her taking Andy somewhere safe means abandoning me, and she's never been good at doing that.
"I need you to promise me, Tris. No matter what happens, Andy comes first. I'll be okay."
Reluctantly, she nods, and a single tear breaks away from her eyes. "Can I ask you to promise me something too?" she whimpers.
"What is it, Love?" I ask, gently wiping the tear from her cheek.
"The second we realize we can't do this, and Derek's won, we'll leave here."
I sigh, wishing it were that simple. "Tris, we need to do everything we can to stop Evelyn first," I remind her. "If Evelyn brings down the Dauntless, she'll destroy this city and we won't be safe anywhere." Tris' eyes break away from mine and land somewhere on the bed. "Tris."
When I say her name she looks up at me and says, "You know, I almost forgot how dedicated you were to keeping Dauntless safe. Sometimes I felt like I was competing for you, and Dauntless won every time."
"That's not true," I slowly shake my head. "I'll always choose you, Tris. Even if that isn't what it seems like." I set my palm on her cheek, and looking into her eyes I say, "Keeping you safe means keeping Dauntless safe. We stop Evelyn, and if after that all else fails, then we will go," I reassure her, silently hoping it doesn't come to that.
"I know it's the right thing to do," she says. "I'm not trying to be selfish, I just… I don't think I've ever been this scared," her voice breaks and she squeezes my hand that's pressed against her face. "I'd take you and leave now if I knew it meant you'd be safe."
"I know," I say so softly it's not even a whisper.
There's a feeling of safety that comes with being loved the way Tris has always loved me. Being with her I've never felt alone, I've never felt like I wasn't heard or understood. I've always known that every cross I bear is our cross, and she's right there with me. And though it scares me to know she'd do anything for me, for us, for our son, days like today when I feel like I have nothing else, I can breathe easy because I have her, because she is always in my corner, because her love holds me together.
"I love you," is all I can say, but it doesn't feel like enough. How do you tell someone they're the reason you can stand when everything around you is falling apart? The reason you can breathe though your life seems to be underwater?
"I love you too," she says, and I leave one last kiss on her sweet lips, a promise that no matter what, no matter where or how, we'll be together.
A/N: The moment we've all been waiting for! R & R :D
