And here we are with Chapter 5! We get some resolution in this one, so stay with me and breath. You also get a glimpse into Zelda's past, and the trauma that caused her injury.
I stretched my arms above my head, the muscles in my back popping loudly, before I started wheeling toward the sitting room from yesterday. After finishing breakfast with Leila, who now walked in front of me, we were ready to continue yesterday's getting-to-know-you conversation.
We exchanged idle chatter as we approached the room where Leila took her previous place while I pulled up across from her. Almost immediately, Leila asked a question that had my ears burning. "So, Vlad said you had an interesting night with Maximus?"
It was all I could do not to fall out of my chair in surprise, that had come out of nowhere… "I had a nightmare and he insisted on bringing me to the kitchen. He made me cocoa and cookies while we chatted and your husband came just as I almost fell off a stool." It seemed such a simple thing when I explained it like that, but what I had felt yesterday with Maximus had been anything but ordinary. Whatever the reason was that I was relaxed around him, it was far from simple.
Leila's smile held no mocking, only an odd warmth that carried over when she spoke. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad. Maximus is a good friend of mine and he seems to like you. Anything that happens between you two is entirely your business and no one else's."
I wasn't sure what to do with her words, part of me was relieved that she had no objections to my apparently painfully obvious attraction to Maximus but on the other hand…
"I'm not sure if anything will happen. It has nothing to do with Maximus, I'm just not…comfortable with people." My voice was a whisper when it came out, a deep aching sorrow seemed to swallow me whole as I thought on how different Maximus and I were. Leila shifted, pulling my attention to her before she spoke.
"I understand that, until I met Vlad I had difficulty connecting to anyone. With him it just felt right. Talking to him was easy and just being around him made me feel safer than I had ever been before." Her voice had a dreamy quality to it as she stared through me. Longing tugged at my chest, I wanted that type of relationship, but I wouldn't delude myself. As long as I was terrified of touch, it wasn't going to happen.
For the first time in four years, I wanted to talk about my trauma, and with someone I barely knew for that matter. Biting my lip, I considered the pros and cons of telling Leila about the real reason I didn't think a relationship would work between Maximus and I.
My face must have been showing some of my inner turmoil because Leila's expression shifted to concern, as did her tone. "Zelda, are you alright? You just paled to almost white. If you're sick I can get some medicine?"
She looked ready to rise from her couch and go in search of that medicine immediately, her concern was touching and it ultimately made my decision for me. "I'm not sick, not physically anyway. There's another reason I don't think Maximus and I would work out, but it's a pretty heavy subject. So if you don't want to hear it that's fine…"
Leila immediately settled back into the couch, her face a mask of determination. "If you want to talk about it, I'm here but if you don't then that's okay too."
Her eyes bore into mine, but not in a hostile way. She was worried for me and there to listen, and in a strange twist of events I wanted to talk about it. Taking a breath to gather my scattered nerves, I began slowly at first but after I started it seemed to come pouring out.
"I'm sure you can guess what happened, but I'll tell you the basics. I had only just turned twenty and my mother had introduced me to someone from her work. He seemed nice, there was nothing that sent any red flags off in my mind, so when he asked me out I accepted. As you can guess, he wasn't actually nice. After we dated for a few weeks, he wanted…more. And when I refused, he became furious. Throwing things, shouting, and before he left he hit me."
I had to stop momentarily, my hands were shaking as if there was an earthquake and my stomach was churning dangerously. Leila shifted forward, placing her gloved hand on the table facing palm up. It was an offer for comfort, but not a demand for contact. Biting my lip, I hesitantly slid one of my hands into hers. My skin felt itchy where she touched, but it didn't give me the gut twisting revulsion I was used to from everyone else. Maybe it was because of the gloves, or maybe it was because she was so genuinely friendly. Whatever the reason, her touch was comforting and gave me the strength to continue.
"I wanted to break it off immediately, but he came back and apologized. Said that he had been drinking earlier in the day and hadn't gotten it all out of his system. I didn't smell any alcohol on his breath, but I was too afraid to dispute him. The relationship continued despite me not wanting anything to do with him. After a month he asked again, but that time he didn't take no for an answer."
Swallowing hard, I forced my misty eyes to meet Leila's compassionate gaze. "I won't go into details, but when he finally finished I felt filthy, terrified. I tried to tell my mother, my father, anyone but Lance's reputation was clean so no one believed me. They told me to stop claiming such lies against such a nice man, by the time I realized that I wouldn't be getting help running away from him I had lost all of my friends to his charade. The…incidents continued until one day I decided to fight back. He had come home drunk and when he began pawing at me I ran to the kitchen."
I stopped again to brush my tears away with the hand not gripped in Leila's. "Everything is a blur, but the next thing I knew he had me pinned against the counter with a knife in my lower back. Doctors told me later that I was lucky to be alive, but there was nothing they could do for my spine. He had nicked it badly, which is how I wound up in my chair. When he left again after getting what he wanted I called the cops. It turned into a circus, my family was cold and began leaving threats in my hospital room for me to drop the charges, but I refused. The doctors did a rape test when they brought me in and the DNA from that plus my testimony put Lance away for six years. The court ruled that since he had no previous record he shouldn't have to stay in jail for all of his life over "one little mistake"."
Leila looked ready to march straight to North Carolina and hunt down Lance herself. I could have sworn I saw a hint of green in her eyes, reminding me of the green in Maximus's last night, but before I could look closer it was gone.
Leila's voice brought me back to the present, her hand still squeezing my own. "He deserved worse than he got. No rapist should be allowed to walk out of a prison, not without being castrated first at least." Her tone dripped in blood thirst that scared me, but I forced a smile while reminding myself that it was on my behalf and not aimed at me.
"I completely agree, I have difficulty sleeping at night sometimes knowing that it is only a few more years before he is out again. The nightmares are vicious…" Last night had been one of the more ugly ones and waking up in an unfamiliar room hadn't helped with that in the slightest.
Leila took a deep breath, forcing her rage back, before she spoke again. "Thank you for telling me, I'm sure it wasn't easy on you. I understand why you wouldn't want to start a relationship with that lurking in your past. I'm impressed that you've done so much with your life without any type of support system."
I ducked my head at her praise, but the bloom of pride felt nice. "It wasn't like there was another option. I didn't want him to win, not after everything else he had already taken from me. Unfortunately, as much as I'd love to completely erase the experience from my mind, I still have difficulties with touch."
Worry immediately flashed across Leila's face, tugging at their joined hands before she spoke. "Is this okay?"
Warmth bubbled in my stomach at her concern, "Yeah, I didn't have to leave my hand in yours after all. It doesn't feel bad like everyone else's touch does. It's nice to feel someone else without immediately wanting to scrub my skin afterward."
Relaxing back into the couch without removing her hand, Leila continued. "Do you have that reaction to everyone besides me?"
I nodded only to quickly amend myself, "Well, most everyone. I don't have that reaction to Maximus…" Which was the main reason I was even able to consider having a relationship with him. If his touch made my skin crawl like everyone else's it wouldn't matter how much he stirred my hormones.
Leila smiled again, stroking my hand as she went on. "If you don't react like that to him, why wouldn't a relationship be possible?"
My muscles tensed, was it really appropriate for me to be using what time I have to learn about my sister talking about a relationship that I know won't happen? Glancing over Leila, I could tell that she seemed interested in the topic, but did that make it right? I came here to learn about her, not rediscover my hormones…
"Why are you so interested in this? I would think you would want to spend the time we have together to learn about each other…" I made sure my tone was neutral, not wanting to come off as snappy, but I was still genuinely confused by her insistence.
Leila blinked in surprise, leaning back a bit she contemplated my question. After a moment, she answered with certainty. "Well, after talking with you I know that I want to stay in contact when you go home, if you want to. I have some problems with technology that makes texting difficult but maybe we could call each other? Of course I want to learn more about you while you're here but you seem to have a genuine interest in my friend so I want to help, if you want it."
Now she seemed hesitant, not wanting her to feel unsure I reassured her. "I'd love to keep in contact, it would be nice to have someone to talk to besides my mother. As for the other thing, I'm not sure if there is anything to help with. Even if I had full range of motion and was moderately emotionally stable, I doubt I'm the type of girl someone like him would like."
The truth of that statement hurt to say, but I needed to get it out there. For me just as much for Leila. I can't get my hopes up, it would hurt too much. To finally find someone that doesn't instantly make me terrified just by touching me, and to have feelings for them to boot, only for them to reject me for one reason or the other? It would be too painful.
Leila's next statement froze my train of thought, "Have you asked him?" I blinked owlishly at her, she couldn't possibly be suggesting what I think she's suggesting…
Seeing my dumbstruck expression, she powered on with a determined scowl. "You can't know what type of girl he likes if you don't ask him. You're just assuming he won't like you without actually having any proof to base that off of. It's insulting to Maximus, and yourself, to think he wouldn't like you just because of your disability or the trauma you lived through." Her words had a hard edge to them, making instant anxiety flare in my chest.
I tried to tug my hand back, the contact edging toward painful, but Leila held firm. The hard frown softened as she sighed. "That may have been harsh of me, but you shouldn't put yourself down like that. You survived something horrible and made a new life for yourself. That makes you stronger than a lot of other people who were in your situation. If Maximus doesn't like you then that's his loss, but wouldn't it be worth it to know for sure?"
My anxiety simmered below the surface as I contemplated her words. Would it be worth it to know? "What if he rejects me?" I wasn't aware I said it out loud, I certainly hadn't meant to, but Leila replied anyway.
"Then he's missed out on something great and I'll ask one of the staff to get us junk food to binge on. We can make a night of it, and if he doesn't reject you then we can still do the movie night, just without the tears." Her grip was firm and her eyes never left mine, her blue gaze imploring me to take the chance.
Chewing my lip, I forced myself to breathe through my anxiousness and focus. She was right, if I asked him out and he refused I could be comforted by her and then get over it. But if I didn't even try then I would regret it when I get home. Do I really have enough room in my life for more what ifs?
I released my lip when I tasted blood, my nerves making me chew through it without thinking. Taking in a shaking breath, I asked. "Say I agreed, say I tried to ask him out. What would I even say? Hey, I know I'm way below your league to the point of not even being in the same ballpark as you, but you want to give it a shot? Oh and you can't touch me unexpectedly or at all in certain areas without me freaking out like a psycho path. Yeah, that'll go well."
Leila huffed out an irritated breath, shaking her head at me as she refuted my sarcasm. "You're not a psychopath, I have personal experience with those so I can say with confidence that you never will be one. You're someone who has been through a messed up situation and Maximus knows how to handle that. If you tell him you don't want to be touched, then he won't touch you. It's that simple. As for how you should ask him out? Just do it. Planning doesn't work, trust me on that."
My stomach rolled dangerously, as if sensing my genuine consideration of her words. I really didn't like being spontaneous, but I also had no idea what I would say even if I did plan it out. Groaning in frustration, I pulled my hand back now that she had loosened her grip.
"Damn it, now you planted the thought in my head it won't go away." Leila grinned triumphantly, before patting my shoulder gently.
"Good. So shall we go find Maximus?" The statement sent my stomach into a new batch of spins, the nerves mixing with my excitement.
Looking over her face, I knew that if I put my foot down, so to speak, she would back off, but it was just going to keep bothering me until I dealt with it. I nodded, forcing a small smile when Leila jumped up in happiness. Hopefully, this wouldn't end in disaster…
Feeling another sigh building, I pushed it back while wheeling toward the door. "I'll go to him myself, if you want to hear the conversation just stay outside of the room. I may need you to save me if it goes South."
Leila kept stride with me easily, not commenting on the saving comment. "Maximus should be around here somewhere…" Just as she finished the sentence, the blond we were looking for entered the room with Vlad.
Maximus immediately caught my gaze before smiling, the sight reviving the butterflies and my nerves. Before I could open my mouth and undoubtedly say something stupid, Leila looped her arm with Vlad's and ducked out of the room with a jaunty, "I'll talk to you later Zelda." Thrown over her shoulder. I could see Vlad's confused expression as his wife intently tugged him out of the hallway before they disappeared behind a door.
I turned to Maximus, who was watching me with curiosity. Before he could speak up and ask questions I wasn't sure how to answer, I sputtered out. "Is there somewhere I can talk to you, in private?" If my heart beat any faster it was going to burst. But to my relief, Maximus nodded and began leading me to wherever he chose without asking questions.
As I followed, I tried to keep my courage and not chicken out. I told myself I was going to ask him, so I would. Now I just had to keep that conviction when it actually came time to say something. The walk to our destination was too short in my opinion, I didn't feel ready when he pulled to a stop outside of what I now recognized as his room. Opening the door, he stepped to the side for me to enter. With a steadying breath, I did. The second I crossed the threshold I felt my nerves light on fire alongside my determination rising.
Yes, yes I know I'm evil. Anyway read and review to let me know if anyone out there is reading this thing.
