Chapter 30
TRIS
For some reason, Derek allows Andy and me to ride in the backseat of the truck beside Tobias. His hands are cuffed in front of him, but his body is almost turned entirely toward me, and I rest my chest against his, savouring his warmth. My arms are wrapped around him and my head lies in the crook of his neck. Andy sits up in Tobias' lap, and all he does is stare lovingly at his father who can't stop staring at me.
Maybe it means something, that Derek thought to even let me ride with Tobias back to Dauntless. Though I'm afraid to ask, because my heart might not be able to stomach the answer- it might mean nothing at all. Although this is ultimately what we were hoping for, capturing Evelyn to clear Tobias' name, I can't help but feel the doubt setting in, and I know Tobias feels it too. I can see it radiating from his eyes as he stares at me.
We're all quiet for the entire ride; it's one of those instances where there really aren't any words to be said, just moments to be taken in. Feeling hyper-aware of every breath I take and every second that passes, time seems to be moving slowly and yet too quickly at the same time. And the closer we get to Dauntless, the thinner the air feels in my lungs and the harder it is to breathe.
I instinctively hold Tobias a little tighter when Dauntless comes into view, knowing they will soon take him away from me again. Andy is the one who breaks the silence when the truck finally pulls into the large garage.
"Are you coming home now, Daddy?" he pouts a little as the driver exits the truck and slams the front door shut.
"No, Baby, not yet," Tobias answers softly and I feel my stomach clenching inside me. Tobias promised our son he'd never leave him again, and I know neither of them have forgotten that promise.
Derek and Zeke jump out of the truck beside us, and to my surprise Derek says, "Tris, you can escort Four to his cell along with the guards. But I can't allow Andy to go with you. No children in the holding area."
I nod, being well aware of those regulations, and grateful that at least I get to go with him.
"Come on, partner," Zeke says, and he picks Andy up from Tobias' lap. Andy doesn't resist, but his face sinks so low it breaks my heart. It's almost as if he senses it too- that we're getting closer to the endgame. I've never mentioned to him that his father will ultimately stand trial before the Dauntless, but tonight I might have to. How else would he understand everything that happens next?
"Mommy will be up in a sec. Okay, Baby?" I assure him.
Andy only nods, and he peeps over Zeke's shoulder as he's carried away.
Tobias is taken out of the truck and Derek walks ahead with a few men. We're led down the halls and down into the holding area where not too long ago I was a guest for a few days. It still smells of tainted air and rust.
For a second I wonder if maybe he should be taken back to the infirmary, since Tobias was never officially discharged. But I suppose they figure if he's strong enough to lead an attack against Evelyn, he's strong enough to be in a cell until his trial takes place, which could be any day now.
To my surprise, we pass two occupied cells on the way to Tobias'. The first is Evelyn's; she stands with her back leaned up against the wall and her arms folded in front of her. She's smart to stay quiet as we walk past; I can't guarantee I wouldn't snatch one of the guard's guns to shoot her in the face should she torment me.
In the second cell I see Chad. My eyes open wide when I see him. I pass a glance at Tobias who doesn't seem surprised at all. He did it; he convinced Derek that Chad is the real traitor. I swallow loudly, and I feel a little bit of hope go down with my desperation.
Thankfully, the men take us all the way to the end of the holding area, where we're out of ear shot from Evelyn and Chad. Tobias is led inside and the cell door locked behind him, but the guards assure me I can stay for another hour or two. I thank them as they leave, and then I stare at the thick, cold, iron bars that separate me from my husband. It all feels so unreal, yet the sinking feeling in my chest reminds me that it is.
"What does all this mean?" I dare to ask. Derek has somehow refrained from being an asshole for the past hour, and the guards all handled Tobias with the utmost respect. It almost seems as though his innocence has at the least been considered.
The spaces between the bars are wide enough for Tobias' hand to fit through, and he gently cups my cheek with his right hand. Slowly sliding his thumb back and forth he says, "I wish I knew, Tris. I really do." I realize he's just as terrified and confused as I am, and I suddenly want to tear the bars from between us so we could hold each other. Even when nothing else makes sense, we know we're safe in each other's arms.
I look up at him. "Did you know Chad was arrested?"
"Yeah," he nods. "Derek actually listened to me. He made the call just before we rescued you… though, it definitely took some convincing."
I sigh a sigh of relief. Surely this could mean Derek is starting to acknowledge who the real criminals are here. And after he faces and accepts the truth, real justice can't be too far out of reach. Can it?
But looking at Tobias, I see despair in his eyes instead of hope, and I wonder if the uncertainty of it all is finally getting to us both. I take his hand into mine and I say, "Why don't we seem too hopeful this plan will work?" And this was always the plan- help Dauntless stop the factionless and bring Evelyn and Chad to justice. We've somehow managed to do just that, yet we're both standing in a dark, cold room, obviously stricken with fear.
Tobias kisses my palm. His lips are pleasantly warm on my skin. "Nothing is fool proof, Love," he quietly answers. "And to be honest, I'm not sure I deserve my freedom. And if there is anyone on this Earth who won't fail to acknowledge that, it's Derek. I did commit crimes against my faction. Who is going to answer for them?"
My eyes square in on his, and seeing his Abnegation looking back at me, I say, "Tobias, you can't possibly blame yourself for the things Evelyn made you do. Your innocence was never what was up for debate, at least not to me. And as much as I was ready to run for the hills, you stopped the attack and captured those responsible. That has to count for something. In a world where undoing the past is impossible, setting things right is enough, because it's all you can do."
Tobias is always too hard on himself. Wanting so badly to be a better man than his father has sometimes made him forget he's human, and he makes mistakes, and most importantly, shit happens. He just helped save Dauntless, yet he stands in front of me questioning whether or not he deserves his freedom. "You're the best man I've ever known, Tobias," I admit lovingly. "If there is anyone who deserves their freedom after all this, it's you."
He sighs, and then he smiles at me longingly. "I love you," he says to me in the most sincere way only Tobias could.
"I love you, too," I say back.
Tobias thinks for a minute, and then he says, "Can I ask you to promise me something?"
"Anything," I answer too quickly.
"If this all goes south, I need to know you'll keep living, Tris."
I gasp a little at this and my eyes open a little wider. "Tobias, I-"
"I need you to promise me that," he says again, looking deep into my eyes. Somewhere behind his is something he's not telling me; he looks troubled, but not for himself, rather for me.
"I don't need to promise you that, because you're not dying on me," I say with fervour as I squeeze his cold fingers. "Our friends will do everything under the sun to get you out of this. And where is this coming from, Tobias?"
Letting out a loud breath, he says, "I love you more than anything, Tris, and I know you love me too. But I don't want when I'm gone- be it tomorrow or fifty years from now- for you to decide you don't want to live anymore." And my heart breaks when I see his eyes fill with tears.
I hang my head, because I know full well how much I wanted to die with him the last time I thought he was gone forever. If it weren't for Andy, I don't know where I'd be. And although I know as long as my son is alive, I'll have reason to live, I can't pretend like the space Tobias occupies in my heart would be anything other than a limitless void were I to ever lose him again. So much so that I even reject the very thought of losing him, though the fear of it has been dangling over my head since the second I realized he was alive.
"I won't lie, Tris," he adds. "It feels hypocritical, because I wouldn't want to live without you either, but… I need to know you'll be okay."
"I can't promise you that," I begin to sob, looking right back into his eyes. "I've been there before, Tobias, and my entire being rejects it. I can't explain it. It felt like a part of me never truly accepted you were gone, and maybe it's because you weren't. Maybe it's because somehow my soul knew that yours still lingered here on this Earth," I honestly say. "Or maybe it's because that was never how it was supposed to end." I pause for a second. "After my father died, it took some time, but I accepted it and carried on because deep down we all expect to lose our parents one day, as much as it hurts. But with you," I shake my head, "that's not how it was supposed to end. We were supposed to grow old together, die surrounded by our grandchildren." He wipes a tear from my eye. "I felt like I was conned into this great romance that was ripped away from me without warning and I refused to let anyone else in. And as pointless as it was, I felt like maybe reality would shift and would give you back to me if I rebelled hard enough."
When he takes my face between his palms, I cry, "It's not fair. None of this is fair."
"No, it's not, Tris," Tobias whispers to me, and he gently brings our lips together between the bars, and then we just stay there for a while, taking in each other's breaths.
"If there is anything good left in this world, it'll give you back to me," I whisper tearfully, willing to bargain with whatever powers would listen.
Tobias smiles a little and says to me, "My love, you never lost me. I was always yours, and I always will be. Whatever it takes, we'll be together again," and he presses another sweet kiss to my lips, one that seems to last an eternity.
I stay with Tobias until the guards assure me that I can't any longer, and as I walk away from his cell my heart rips into a million tiny pieces. I'm filled with pain, anger and frustration, and I feel the sudden urge to hit something or blow it to bits. I walk aimlessly for a while trying to gather my thoughts before I pick up Andy from Zeke's, until I decide to head home first to shower and clean up and maybe not look like a hot mess when my son sees me.
To my surprise, there's someone sitting in front of my door. I don't know how long she's been there, but it's safe to assume it's been a while. Christina's not one to just sit on the ground.
"Tris," she says when she sees me standing there, and she quickly bounces to her feet.
I want to smile when I look at her, but mostly I want to run into her arms and tell her how much I've missed her, how sorry I am that I hurt her.
"Hi," is all I manage to say for a while. "You want to come in?"
She nods, and she nervously steps aside for me to open the door. We both walk in and take a seat on the couch in the living room, both just staring at our hands for a while.
I'm not used to 'lost for words' Christina. To be honest it makes me uneasy. I'd much rather she start blurting out her feelings so we can both get past this.
"I'm so sorry, Tris," she finally begins to say. "I know you probably think I'm a horrible friend for what I did, or didn't do." She shakes her head, "But please know that everything I said or did was because I love you so much, and I don't ever want to see you get hurt."
I frown. "I never did entirely understand why you wouldn't help me rescue Tobias when everyone else would. I mean… I get that it was dangerous," I admit. "But… it's Tobias." I look up at her with confusion and I see a bit of remorse in her eyes, something I didn't quite expect to see.
Christina takes my hand and says, "You know what was worse than losing Will and Four?"
"What?"
"Being afraid that I'd lose you too," she sniffles. "You are my sister, Tris," she cries, "and I love you from the bottom of my heart. I can barely sleep at night sometimes when I imagine you alone and crying in bed, when I see how you'd run away from any real chance at a life without Four. But you've come so far in the last five years that when he appeared out of nowhere without his memories, I panicked. I was so afraid for you. I didn't want him to hurt you and I didn't want to see you go through the pain of losing him again. I was so afraid you'd go back to that place where you couldn't eat or couldn't sleep, and I couldn't make you."
"I'm sorry, Chris," I say knowingly, remembering how hard it was for us both after the crash happened. She had even moved in with me, afraid I wouldn't have gotten out of bed otherwise. "I guess I just threw all that out the window when I saw him. I just wanted to save him," I confess tearfully.
"No, don't apologize for that," Christina says softly. "We fight for the people we love. And in my own way I thought I was fighting for you, but… I was wrong. Fighting for you means fighting to save Four, and I promise you I will do everything I can to help you save him."
Looking at her in desperation, I say, "And what if after all this, we can't save him?"
Christina sets a hand on my shoulder, and then wraps her arms tight around me. Rocking me back and forth she says, "We will do everything we can, Tris."
"I know," I whisper, yet still paralyzed by the fear of losing Tobias for good this time. The closer we get to the trial, the slower my heart beats and time feels more and more like the enemy. "And I'm sorry too, Chris," I add. "I never meant to make you feel like I'm not happy for you and Uri, because I am and I always have been. You were both so brave to put yourself out there again, and it warmed my heart to watch you fall in love again. You two deserve each other, and I'm so glad you found each other."
"Thank you, Tris," she smiles sweetly. "And it was good to be reminded of the love you and Four share. I almost forgot how you two used to look at each other. I can't believe I thought I could talk you out of trying to save him. Feels kind of stupid now."
I chuckle at this, though I don't mean to. "Don't say that."
"It's true," she confesses. "Almost as stupid as convincing you to go on a date with Derek. Ugh," Chris groans. "I rue the day I coerced you to go out with him."
"It was one date, Chris," I hold a finger up in the air. "And I wasn't coerced."
"But it happened," she answers seriously. "And now he acts like he has some sort of ridiculous claim over you. I always heard people say he was jealous of Four, and I thought it was all just talk. But the look on his face ever since Four's been back, it's like his worst nightmare came back to life."
In a way it is.
"I'm scared he punishes Tobias because of me," I admit to her. "because I keep refusing him, even when it's my last lifeline." I sniffle, and then the tears won't stop coming. "Why is life so cruel, Chris?" I cry. "Why give him back to me just to threaten to take him away again?"
"Tris," Christina holds me a little tighter. "Don't say that. We don't know what's going to happen yet."
"Chad is unlikely to confess, as far as I know there's no concrete evidence against him, and Evelyn's testimony cannot be trusted, even though she swore she'd tell the truth. Derek might be Tobias' only way out, my only way out."
I actually stop to consider it for a moment, as much as I know Tobias would prefer to gouge his eye out than think about surrendering me to Derek.
"Tris… tell me you aren't considering…"
"What if it's the only way to save his life, Chris?" I sit up in the couch. "What if making Derek happy is the only way to keep my husband alive or in this faction?"
"Is that what Four would want?" she asks me carefully. "Have you asked him?"
"He said he'd rather die," I answer, holding my head in my hand. "But that doesn't mean I'll let him."
"Have faith, Tris," Chris says gently as she takes me in her arms again. "One step at a time. We always knew it would come to this, and if it doesn't go our way, we'll get you all out of here before Derek can think to blink."
"Thank you," I whisper into her chest, suddenly feeling less alone. I've lost count of how many nights we've spent like this, crying together or holding each other. "Will you stay with me tonight?" I ask Christina. "I need to tell Andy about the trial, and I…" I pause, barely finding the strength to even speak about the things I have to confess to my son.
"Of course, I will," she answers without hesitation, and squeezing my hand she says, "Uri can stay with the girls until this is all over. You and I, we'll get through this together, the way we always do."
A/N: The trial's about to happen soon guys! Please share your thoughts on this chapter :) R & R.
