As my eyes snapped open from yet another nightmare, despair briefly tried to swallow me whole. It had been years since Lance's final attack and I still had regular nightmares. Would they ever stop? As a thrill of terror moved up my spine, I shifted to rise from the bed. I needed to move around or the feeling would never go away.
There was a problem with that plan and he was over six feet tall with his arms wrapped around me. Usually I loved being in his embrace but right after one of my more potent nightmares, I just wanted to move and his arm was stopping that.
I could try to tough it out without waking him, and if I wanted his arm to move I would have to wake him thanks to his advanced strength, but I didn't want to do that. He had been busy lately with Lance being free and his own duties. He never seemed to rest and as I looked up at his peacefully sleeping face I didn't want to wake him up.
The minutes dragged by as my throat tightened until breathing became difficult. Slow breaths, I reminded myself. Everything is fine, just keep breathing and it will pass. Just as my breathing began to even out, I was pulled snugly against his front with his face nuzzled into my neck, his arms tightening their embrace in his sleep. Instead of calming me down like it usually did, I felt the panic spike again. I couldn't even wiggle in this position and I needed to do something or it was only going to get worse.
However, just as I started to reel it back under control, I felt something hard rub against my thighs. It didn't take a genius to wonder what it was, apparently even vampires get morning wood… Usually this wouldn't bother me, we had done something similar to this before after all and we were both still fully clothed, but with my nightmare still clinging to me I felt my skin begin to itch unbearably.
Phantom hands seemed to roam over me as bile worked its way up my throat. I couldn't take it anymore! I put all of my focus into trying to struggle free, of course with his supernatural strength I didn't get far. My breathing picked up until I was barely pulling oxygen in, the quick breaths not inflating my lungs and further feeding the flames of my fear.
When that did nothing, I used what little air I was pulling in to wheeze, "Maximus!" Just like in the lobby of my apartment and the gym I felt the air shift as he snapped awake. I couldn't see his eyes too well in the dark but I felt when his hands started to run over my back and sides. This had become our routine for when I woke up from my previous nightmares and it had helped in those circumstances. It was NOT helping right now though.
I jolted against his hold again, hoping that he would get the hint before the attack got any worse, but he just tightened his arms thinking I was still in the throes of a nightmare. Giving up on verbally alerting him, I put both of my hands against his chest and pushed with all of my strength. This time he understood.
With a harsh curse his arms disappeared, in the time it took me to blink he had disentangled our bodies and slid to give me a foot of space on the bed. Relief immediately strafed my veins, but it wasn't enough. I lurched for my chair, missing it in my terror and sliding straight off the bed. I saw his hand reach out to help, but I knew I was still too panicked for any touch, not even his would feel good right now. I managed to choke out, "Don't!"
His finger stopped just shy of my arm, hovering for a minute before retreating to lay on the bed next to him. His features were scrunched in pain at not being able to help, but he made no move to stand and I was grateful for it. If he had jumped out of bed he would have towered over me and I was barely holding it together as it was.
I clambered into my chair, wincing when I nailed my knee against the footrest but shaking it off in my goal of getting into the chair. The second I was sitting down and could move freely, I felt most of the panic drain away. I was still uncomfortable and moving around definitely wouldn't hurt, but at least I could think straight now.
Glancing over at Maximus who hadn't even breathed since I had told him not to touch me, a twinge of guilt flared at the pained expression on his face and the white knuckle grip he had on the sheets. Usually my nightmares didn't escalate to the point that even his touch was unwelcome and now that he couldn't help, he was lost for what to do. I should have told him that this could happen, but I had been too happy basking in how his touch helped most of the time. I hadn't wanted to jinx it, but my cowardice made this considerably harder than it had to be for him.
As I shifted my chair to start wheeling around the room to burn off energy, I spoke up when he looked alarmed. "I'm not leaving, I just need to move." He nodded, settling against the bed and staying as still as possible as I started 'pacing' the length of the room. It only took once or twice before I could breath normally again, giving me the opportunity to explain some of what just happened to Maximus as I continued moving.
"I should have told you that could happen. I just thought that since I didn't have problems with your touch so far that this wouldn't be an issue." He tilted his head to show he was listening but his grip didn't loosen as his eyes followed my path. I forced myself to continue, not wanting to stop or I might not start again. "Sometimes the nightmares get so bad that all touch is painful, apparently even yours. I was hoping you were an exception to that too but I guess that was too much to hope for."
His grip finally loosened a notch as he considered my words, when he spoke his voice was low as if talking to a spooked animal. "Considering your trauma it isn't surprising that there will be times that all touch will make you fearful. If I may ask, what caused the reaction this time so I might avoid it later in the future?"
I bit my lip as I tried to think on how to tell him without making him guilty. Maximus was loyal and devoted to a fault, he had done everything he could to not set off a panic attack but he wouldn't like that it was his actions, while sleeping, that caused it to escalate. "I think the worst of it was not being able to move after waking up from that particular nightmare. The memory I was reliving in it was similar, where I was pinned against the counter and couldn't move. So when I woke up and also couldn't move…"
He nodded, "It made distinguishing between dreams and reality difficult." While I knew it was wrong to only give him part of the truth, this was the only way I could think of that wouldn't make him feel bad.
Before I could completely relax, he spoke again. "What else caused it? Because you smell of guilt and lies. I believe you when you say that not being able to move is a part of it, but you're leaving something out aren't you? It's fine if you don't want to discuss it, but don't lie to me."
I felt tears build in my eyes, of course he would notice, I forgot about his sense of smell. My guilt increased as I answered while attempting to convey that it wasn't his fault in every word. "I'm sorry and you're right. There was one other thing. While not being able to move made it worse, I had mostly calmed down after a few minutes. The attack redoubled when you...rubbed against me. Between my thighs specifically."
At first he didn't understand, however the addition of where he rubbed me made it all fall into place. I saw as his eyes darkened, turning downward to glower at his groin as if he could glare it into submission. The sight was humorous, but I wasn't in the right mindset to find it funny. I wanted to reassure him, but the thought of reaching out curled my stomach. If past experience was to be believed, this would last for the better part of the next few hours.
The guilt I had dreaded seeing made its appearance and I cut him off when he opened his mouth to most likely apologize. "Please, please don't apologize. I know that you didn't do it on purpose and you can't control what you do in your sleep. If it weren't for the timing, what with me just finishing a nightmare, then I wouldn't have noticed. Usually I enjoy your touch and while there may be times when I can't handle it like now, if you just be patient with me I'll be back to normal in no time. This doesn't change how I feel about you or our relationship, so please don't-"
I barely stopped myself from begging him not to leave. So many others had before him, but I had to remind myself that he wasn't them. The fear still stubbornly clung to me though, after all if my own mother could leave me so easily then why wouldn't he?
Maximus's face shifted into alarm, concern quickly overtaking his previous guilt. "Zelda, what were you about to say?"
My stomach turned again, uneasy at the new topic but knowing that he wouldn't forget it now that I had accidentally brought it up. My voice was barely audible in the quiet room as I choked out through tears, "Please don't leave me."
A strangled noise came from his throat and his muscles bunched as if to wrap me into a hug but he stayed put. His face twisted into a mask of determination and pain, "Zelda, I better than most, understand what kind of effects trauma can have on a person. Just as you refused to leave me over things I couldn't control with Amelia, I won't leave you over this. While I despise not being able to help as I generally can, I know that trying to force my touch on you will only cause you pain. I want to help and if the only way I can do that is to sit here from a distance and talk to you while you calm down then that is what I'll do."
The tears slid down my cheeks, the salty liquid coming to rest on my lips. He was everything I needed in a partner and I would never stop being grateful that I met him. His words tugged on my heart, making me ache for his touch even as the still fading panic told me that it was a bad idea at this time. Maybe I could try curling up against him again soon but for now, better to keep my distance. He had already said he was fine with that, which just left calming the rest of the way down for me.
I nodded at his words before slowing my pace as I focused on breathing evenly. The minutes blurred as I felt the panic ebb again, hopefully to stay dormant for a good while this time. After ten more minutes I felt confident enough to roll up to the bed again.
Maximus watched me with no censure or irritation in his eyes as I locked my wheels and prepared to shift back onto the bed. Before I could move, his voice stopped me. "Do you still want me to stay tonight? It is perfectly fine if you'd prefer to be alone, just tell me and I will return to my room until tomorrow."
The thought of him leaving sent a flare of panic through me that I didn't expect. My abandonment issues were really showing themselves today… However as I thought about laying down and having the same situation happen again my stomach rolled uncomfortably. I raked a hand through my hair in frustration as I tried to explain what I felt. "I don't want you to leave, matter of fact I'm mildly terrified of you doing so, but I'm also not sure how to go about this while still shaking off the effects of my nightmare. I want your touch, but I don't want the panic that might come from it. It's not fair to you to be afraid when you're gone and then be afraid when you touch me."
Maximus cut me off before I could continue, "No, don't think like that. I decide what is fair to me and if you're scared of me being out of your sight then I'll stay here. I could sleep on the floor next to the bed, or if you think you could handle it I could put pillows between our lower halves so the previous situation doesn't happen again. Telling me what you need or want is not unfair to me, I want you to do that. I'm here to help you however I can, you just have to tell me how to do that."
The previous ache for his touch increased sharply, taking my breath away as it expanded in my chest. My words were gravelly through heavy emotions, "I don't know what will happen, but can we try the pillows? And maybe putting a shirt on? If it's too much then we can try the floor but I really don't want you to have to do that if it isn't necessary." He was only doing this because of me, if it weren't for my issues we would still be contently cuddled together-.
My thoughts were interrupted by Maximus moving to grab two of the pillows from the head of the bed before laying down and situating them in front of his groin. Once done, he looked to me for approval which I gave instantly. I hoped this worked…
Transferring was considerably easier now that I've done it over the past few weeks, it also helped the bed was made for my disability. I really needed to remember to thank Vlad for that…
It didn't take me long to shuffle onto my side next to Maximus, who had taken the opportunity to snag his shirt from the floor where I had thrown it last night. He left his hand, palm up, in between us as I settled beside him.
It was as good a spot to start as any… I curled my fingers into his palm, marveling momentarily at how small they looked in comparison to his as he slowly closed his hand around mine. Thankfully none of the previous panic came back at his touch. If nothing else I would be able to hold his hand for the rest of the night.
As the hours passed we chatted off and on, my eyes dragging down as exhaustion bit at my bones. I heard Maximus chuckle as he pulled the blankets up to my shoulders. "Go to sleep, you need it after the difficult night you've had."
Despite my attempts to stay awake I felt as sleep dragged me down, the last thing I remember before sliding into the bliss of dreamless sleep was Maximus's thumb tracing the back of my hand. Maybe these nights wouldn't be too bad in the future…
Light hurt my eyes from where it came through the windows, dragging me back to consciousness despite my wish to stay asleep. Cracking an eye open, I felt confusion when I saw the three pillows between Maximus and I. Memories hit in the next instant, my nightmare and our talk about it came back with crystal clarity.
I took the rare moment where Maximus was asleep to take in just how lucky I was to have him. That moment was broken when storm grey eyes opened in the next second, making me jerk in surprise.
His lips twitched at my jolt but he didn't comment on it, instead saying. "Are you feeling any better?"
Warmth bloomed inside my chest as I nodded, tentatively reaching for the pillows to remove them before scooting to lie against his chest. When no negative reactions came, I reclaimed my usual position splayed out across his front.
Nuzzling into his throat, happy to not feel fear this time, I thought back on the pillows. "Weren't there only two last night? Pillows, I mean."
Maximus relaxed underneath me, his arms coming up to wrap around my back as I cuddled into him. His mouth slid across my forehead, the air brushing my ear tickled when he answered. "After you went to sleep you kept trying to roll over on me. I wasn't sure if you would be okay with that so I added another pillow between our chests. Was that alright?"
I bit back the tears with pure force of will, he really was perfect. "It is more than alright and I'm sorry for causing you trouble." The words barely left my mouth before his lips were on mine. When he pulled back a moment later I blinked at him in confusion.
That confusion didn't last long when he spoke. "You weren't any trouble, I'm glad that even in your sleep you seek me out. Since this worked I'll use it again next time it becomes necessary. As for last night," I immediately felt nervous when he mentioned last night. He already said I wasn't a bother but where was he going with this?
His next words soothed my nerves completely, "Do you want me to find a way of restricting any future erections for when we sleep together? I've heard there is something similar to a bra, only it's for men's genitalia, I could look into it."
While the offer flattered me, I knew it probably wasn't necessary. "Thank you for offering that, I appreciate it more than you could imagine. But I don't think it will be a common problem. The only reason it was so bad last night was the nightmare combined with being unable to move once I woke up. I was going to wake you at first, but I know you've been tired lately. If I had woken you immediately it might not have gotten that bad…"
Briefly his arms squeezed me in comfort, "I'll never be too tired to help you with these things. I can run on less sleep thanks to my species, so if you need me then don't hesitate to wake me."
I hummed against his throat, happy to soak in the happiness I had never felt after such a nightmare. It shouldn't surprise me, in the past I had dealt with them alone because it was demanded of me. Now I have Maximus and he seemed determined I wouldn't have to deal with anything alone. As his hands trailed up my sides to the ticklish spots of my ribs, I knew that if he allowed it I would stay by his side forever. Laughter burst from my lungs as I swatted at him playfully, I couldn't wait to see what was in our future.
