"I do believe that the two of you still need to tell me how the wound came about." Silence had fallen over them and Eir had been the first one to break it, "At the very least you should tell me about the creature that you encountered."
Ben couldn't help but frown as be he remembered the encounter. He had found Squeak cowering against a tree, with the beast about to attack her. He had intervened, using the force to throw the beast to the side right as it was lunging. Squeak had run to him, clinging onto his leg before he had picked her up to better defend her. He had been caught off guard by the creature's ability to create a double of itself, and it was only with the warning from the force that something was nearing that he managed to move in time to avoid anything worse than a scratch. A cheap shot, if nothing else.
"…It was a fairly large beast," Ben began, pushing past the lingering embarrassment and refusing to give out any more details then was absolutely necessary as such, "it was pitch black in color with sharp tentacles growing from its back. It was also able to create an illusion of itself."
Eir frowned. "It sounds like you met with a Nightwalker. It is one of the most dangerous creatures there; how did you defeat it?"
"Ben cut off one of its limbs and I finished it off."
"Did you kill it?"
"No, I just threw it into a tree, and stared it down. It left after that."
A small smile appeared on Eir's face. "You must have managed to earn it's respect. I would like to know which part of the beast caused the injury, though. The claws are no need to worry, but the spikes are tipped with toxin."
"Is it deadly?" Rey asked after a brief pause, and Ben felt her grip on his hand tighten.
"Not necessarily," Eir began, a thoughtful look on her face, "at least, not if the victim is watched closely."
"What do you mean?"
"While all the symptoms would clear themselves in a day, it is the last one that if not watched carefully will lead the person to kill themselves."
"How does that happen?" Ben asked, both intrigued yet worried for the answer as he felt Rey's grip become so tight it was almost painful.
Eir sighed. "After the other effects have led someone fully into delirium, they start seeing hallucinations that are frighteningly real to them. If not watched closely to prevent the action, whatever it is the victim sees always leads them to taking their own life wither on purpose or by accident because they could not see what was really in front of them." She looked over at Rey, a serious look on her face. "From your reaction, I gather that it was not by the claws that caused Ben's injury. While he seems to be fine now, I have no experience in force healing to know wither or not there will be lingering effects from the Nightwalker's toxin. I would strongly recommend that you stop by Mercy's before you leave and pick up the antidote, just in case."
"We will." Rey said with a determined nod, before looking over at Ben. "Won't we, Ben?" She added, and he didn't miss the warning undertone to her voice.
"Of course we will." Rey continued to stare at him for a moment, before looking back at Eir, seemingly content with his answer.
"If that's all of your questions, I think it's time that you answer ours." Ben asked, wanting to change the subject as quickly as possible. He didn't need any help with visions of terrible things, and he shuddered to think of what he would have seen had Rey not insisted on healing him on the spot.
Ok, on second thought maybe things wouldn't have been fine
"What do you already know?" Eir asked, shifting uncomfortably in her seat.
"The Empire didn't leave here willingly; it looks like they were chased out instead."
"That would be correct." Eir said with a nod.
"And you were leading the charge," Rey began, "I saw you."
Eir's eyes widened a bit in surprise. "You saw me? Then that must mean you can see the echoes of an items history." When Rey nodded, she continued. "My, will wonders never cease? I have only ever met one other person with that ability."
"You've met someone else with it?" Rey perked up, her curiosity and excitement spiking.
Eir nodded. "I met many people in my travels, and a boy named Cal Kestis was one such. I do still have a way to get in contact with him, if you would like to meet. I'm sure he would be happy to converse with someone who shares the same ability. If you give me a moment to find my -"
"You're changing the subject." Ben cut in sharply, watching Eir closely.
Eir looked surprised for a moment before her shoulders dropped and she started absently wringing her hands. "Ah, my apologies...we were talking about the ruins, and the battle that took place there." She sighed heavily, suddenly looking much younger than she ever had before. When she finally continued, her voice was soft. "When I came back here after my travels, I found that the empire had taken over and I couldn't leave after that." She looked down at the table, and her voice was barely above a whisper when she spoke next. "Especially not after it was my fault they were here in the first place."
"How could it be?"
"Don't get drunk on a foreign planet and spill your problems to the first attractive person that offers to buy you a drink." She shook her head. "I made mistakes while I traveled, and in the end, it led the empire here."
"What you told me before, about spending too much time on the wrong part of things, is that what you meant?" Ben asked a bit cautiously as he was staring to make connections.
"It's certainly what lead up to it, anyways." She sighed again, deeper this time and staring out one of the windows. "I was not a good person when I was young," she began, voice sounding far away, "and what you call the 'dark side' of the force, I dealt with exclusively simply because I loved watching the chaos I could create. Things here were run a lot differently than they are now, and at the time no one ever gave me a good reason to stop, so I didn't. It wasn't until I met Kaine that I realized there was more to life than just watching things burn."
/
There was a subtle longing in Eir's voice when she mentioned Kaine, an unspoken wish that could never be fulfilled.
"Kaine, KAINE!"
A different pain, one of loss and unrequited feelings.
What Rey had seen before made sense now – Eir lived her life in a constant state of turmoil until she met Kaine, who, despite her own pain, had managed to show Eir the lighter side of life.
"I'm sorry," Rey said softly, feeling as if her heart had dropped to her stomach.
Eir finally looked back over at them, the smallest of smiles on her face. "Don't be. My life is far better having known her then without. Any other mistakes are solely my own fault. And while I did things that I am not proud of, I was determined to make things right. I gathered up the small group of remaining people from the village and made sure that no one survived on that base."
"Somehow I don't see the empire not doing anything when one of their bases suddenly goes quiet."
Eir smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "That's simple: I just brought down everyone they sent. They must have gotten the message, as the entry for here was eventually changed to being 'too hostile'. I was able to access the logs because I got the codes from one of those in the control room before I fed him to the forest." She added before either of them could ask.
"The log that I read said that this place was abandoned after the empire fell. When did you change it?"
"After we caught word that the emperor had fallen. Just because Ekair was listed as too hostile, I was worried that simply leaving it at that would lead to whatever came next thinking that they could try again, and come prepared to deal with retaliation. A base abandoned simply because the regime behind it fell is not very interesting; so I made sure to change it as such. Anyone who tried to come after would never know what hit them." She added, a devious glint in her eyes.
Remind me not to get on her bad side…
Ben nodded next to her.
"Eir's not so bad after all, is she?" Rey asked after they had gone to Mercy's for the antidote, as there was no way she was about to forget grabbing that, just in case. "There was a good reason for covering up the truth."
"Well, I can certainly tell that she would do anything to protect this place, but I'm still sure that she knows more than she's letting on."
"You're worried that she knows who we are."
"Exactly. But..." He sighed. "After today I can't really believe that she would tell anyone about it. She's...she's good like that."
They had ended up spending more time at Eir's then they had initially thought, so by the time they got back to the Falcon, the sun was beginning to set. Rey had managed to get out of Ben just how tired he was after the events of the morning, and so she had insisted on an early dinner and then going to bed. Ben had humored her, sensing her need to get past this day.
There was an unease that refused to leave her as she got ready for bed, changing into his sweater that she had reclaimed as her own. Ben was asleep in a matter of moments after they had laid down, and it was the first time that she had ever been awake longer then he was. He had told her that sleep didn't come easy so…perhaps this was just further evidence with how tired he really was. It had absolutely nothing to do with any possible relapse from the Nightwalker, and getting the antidote was just an over paranoid precaution.
…Right?
She was running, fighting? There were too many legacies. Too much expectation, not enough choices.
But…why? She didn't have any legacies, her parents had been junk traders…
As if a curtain had been lifted at the thought, she could see a young, teenaged Ben Solo standing a few feet away from her.
"No one really cares what I want, they just want me to carry on their legacy."
Pain.
Sadness.
Frustration.
She frowned and reached out for him, to let him know that everything was going to be alright – but the moment her hand was about to touch his shoulder he disappeared, leaving her in darkness.
"Ben?!" She looked around frantically, needing to find him as she could feel his suffering as if it were her own. She realized that this had to be a dream; one that Ben was trapped in and one that she was determined to break him out of.
Willing herself to calm down, she concentrated, trying to pinpoint in which direction she could feel the sorrow coming from.
"Why does it have to matter who I'm related to? I just want to be a pilot like dad."
Her head snapped to the side and she took off running, following the sound of his voice.
"Do you know what your son did today?"
"There's just so much Vader in him."
"Maybe if he trained with Luke -"
More voices joined in as she ran, ones she recognized like Luke, Leia and Han – while others that she didn't.
"Hey kid, you sure this is the life for you? ...Kid, if you ever want to try something a little different, learn more about your shadow, come look us up."
"Where is master Luke Ben? We can't sense his presence."
"You betrayed the Jedi! How could you do that to master Skywalker? To us?"
"No. No! I never...I didn't want this."
"And you did not choose it Ben. The Jedi did. Skywalker."
She shivered at the sound of the last, all too familiar voice of Snoke, who must have been whispering to Ben when he was at his most vulnerable.
"My guess is Luke Skywalker didn't let you anywhere near a real fight. You were too precious. Too special."
"Other people think I'm special. I don't. But that's good. Means I can do anything I want."
"Here's your good death."
There was so much pain, so much loneliness...it was as if her heart had been stabbed with a knife, and she could feel red hot tears starting to leak down her cheeks as she ran. That strange day on Jakku when everything suddenly seemed to get colder finally made sense to her; even though they hadn't met yet, she still felt the exact moment when Ben was pushed over the edge, and was sent crashing into the dark.
"What is your name?"
She could see the bars of a cell door just ahead, just as the voices were beginning to fade. She was forced to stop once she was close enough, however; the masked form of Kylo Ren stood in front of the bars, as if to guard the resident of the cell behind him.
As if on cue, the ribbon that connected them appeared, wrapping around Kylo Ren before it continued behind him, and when she followed its path with her eyes she found that behind the bars Ben was sitting, knees pulled up tightly against his chest and his hands covering his ears while his eyes were squeezed shut.
She shifted her attention back to Kylo, taking a deep breath and stealing her gaze at him. "Move." She commanded. Either he went willingly or by force, she was not leaving without Ben.
Kylo didn't move immediately, and just as she began to wonder if he was about to act like the guard he seemed to be, slowly, almost imperceptibly, he nodded. He came over to her with careful steps, kneeling in front of her and holding out a hand to reveal the key that was sitting in his palm.
"Thank you." She whispered to him as she took the key. She wasted no time running over to the bars after that, throwing the door open once the thick, heavy padlock had fallen to the floor.
She ran over to Ben, but much like the last time she had tried to touch him, the scene changed right before she could.
The next thing she knew they were on the Supremacy, the corpses of the praetorian guard scattered around them. Ben was standing across from her, a gloved hand held out to her.
"Please." He pleaded with her, his eyes desperate and on the verge of barely contained tears.
She knew this scene well; it was something that she had cried over more than once in the privacy of her own quarters when she thought no one was looking. Ever since they had come together, it was something that she had thought she had made peace with, but even now…was it still something that haunted him?
She nodded firmly to herself in that moment. She hadn't taken his hand last time; this time she would make things right. She quickly closed the gap between them, determined that this would be the time when she was finally able to reach him.
Without any hesitation, she reached up and took his hand gently in hers. She heard a small, surprised intake of breath from him, and looked up to see his eyes searching hers, as if for as much as he wanted, needed her to take his hand, he hadn't believed that she actually would. She smiled sadly, reaching up to place her free hand on his cheek, lightly rubbing her thumb over the scar that she had given him.
"Ben," she whispered softly, "it's okay, you're safe. You can wake up now."
They stared at each other for a moment longer until –
Being thrust back into reality was more jarring than then when she had found herself inside Ben's dream. Rather abruptly and with no warning at all, she was staring at the blank spot on the bed next to her, her mind struggling to catch up with the sudden shift.
It was only at the sound of ragged breathing above her did things finally click into place. Rey sat up in bed to find Ben sitting next to her, his hands clenched tightly around the fabric of the blanket and his chest rising and falling unsteadily.
"Ben," she said softly, placing a hand lightly on his shoulder.
He looked over at her, almost surprised that she was there until realization kicked in and he leaned against her, his forehead resting on her shoulder.
"It's okay, it's alright," she whispered, holding him tightly against her and resting her head on his, "everything is over now. You're alright, we're alright."
"You came for me." when he spoke a few minutes later it was so quiet that she almost missed it.
"Of course, I came. I couldn't leave you there when I knew you were suffering."
"But it was actually you this time. It was always a construct before. And they never took my hand, they always left. But you," He paused, and she silently waited for him to continue, "you changed the ending."
"Good, because that was the intent." She sighed softly against him, regret seeping into her. "I should have insisted you take that antidote after all."
"No, I'm not sure it would've helped. It was already on my mind since the morning, after hearing what happened with Squeak. Running away after hurting someone…it just sounded familiar." He was silent after that, and Rey didn't like the implications of his words, even if they made sense after what she had heard on his dream. "How much of that dream did you see?" He asked after a moment had passed, as if he was dreading the answer.
"Long enough," she answered, "but it started with you as a teenager."
He groaned softly against her. "So, near the beginning, perfect." It came out as a grumble, and she could feel the trace amount of embarrassment starting to flicker through him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get you caught up in all of that."
"Don't you dare apologize," she scolded, and moved so that she could finally get him to look at her, "I like knowing. And I think -" she paused, a little hesitant at first but stealing her resolve for what she was about to say next, "It's time we shared everything; no secrets. I think it's only then that we can finally start to move past what happened."
He nodded after a moment, and she could tell that he didn't know where to start, so she decided to go first. They knew the major parts of each other's lives from before, but there were still the smaller details that had yet to be spoken of. Ben had been to Jakku with her and helped her find her release from the desert planet, but there were still lingering regrets, things that she felt he deserved to know. Her bag had been sitting nearby, and she had reached out, pulling it to her with the force, taking out the journal that she had called her survival guide from within its contents. Ben would be the first person that she had ever shown it to, and despite the nerves that it caused, she still wanted to do it.
She let him flip through the pages, trying not to let the heat rise in her cheeks when he called her writing 'cute'.
"It is not cute. I had to teach myself how to write, so it's really pretty basic."
"You're right; really pretty is a better way to describe it."
"Ben!" She shoved him lightly and he laughed, even as it became even harder to control the heat in her cheeks.
"You're not changing my mind on this, Rey."
She sighed. "I know."
When he reached the page where she briefly mentioned it, Rey told Ben the rest of the story surrounding the Ghtroc she had flown. She told him about Devi and Strunk, about how in the end they had taken the ship without her and how foolish she felt about it now. He had tried to comfort her in his own way, reminding her that if she had left on the Ghtroc that day that she wouldn't have been in the right place to save BB-8, and as such Ben might not have met her. It was a bit awkward, but she found it precious and had appreciated it all the same.
He had lingered on the page where she had drawn portraits of Chewie and Han, before turning the last page and seeming almost disappointed it was over. She had laughed slightly at his reaction, gently taking the book back from him and setting it to the side.
"It wasn't that interesting." She told him.
"It is to me." He spoke softly, reaching over and tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. She smiled at his words; a warmth building in her chest.
/
A moment passed between them before Ben sighed, realizing that it was time for his side of things. A bit more reluctant then she had been, but still wanting to keep up his side of things, he began telling her what his childhood was like. When he had been a really young child, everything had been fine; he was definitely a bit of a chaotic kid (with a certain incident with butterflies coming to mind), but everything starting going downhill once he learned about his lineage. Everyone wanted him to live up to the multiple legacies that surrounded him, without ever asking what he wanted.
He couldn't remember exactly when the voices had started in his head, but he knew that he was still young when it happened. Snoke was the most prevalent one, almost constantly placing worries and doubts in his mind. It only got worse once he got old enough, and worried his family enough about his natural affinity to the darker side of things that ended up with him being sent away to train with Luke. When he had mentioned about the destruction of Luke's training temple, Rey had needed to help break him out of the lie he'd forced himself to believe throughout the years of it being his fault, and get him to recount the events as they had actually happened; that, in reality, he had been framed for it instead.
He mentioned meeting Ren and those that he called his knights, all on Snoke's recommendation. At the time Ben had taken the suggestion because he still thought that Snoke was someone that actually understood him. It wasn't until it was too late, however, did he realize that it was just the opposite and that just like everyone else, Snoke just wanted him for his legacy, for the power that he possessed. It was the story of his life pretty much, that no one ever saw him as his own person.
"There really wasn't anyone?" Rey asked, and he could hear the deep pang in her heart at the thought.
"I didn't really want to get close to anyone; I knew how they saw me, so what was the point of letting them know me?" He sighed heavily, leaning against her. "But I suppose, there was one person who came the closest to what I could call my best friend if I had allowed myself it."
"...Who?" Rey asked cautiously after a moment.
"...His name was Tai. And he was...well, Tai was Tai." Ben began to explain, carefully trying to choose his words. "Of the three students that survived that night, he was the only one that wanted to talk things out. Voe had always been jealous and wouldn't hear anything, preferring to just outright try and kill me while Hennix just went with it. But Tai...he was the only one that ever talked to me like an actual person, but I wasn't really ready to hear what he had to say at the time. And when I did...it was too late. We fought and when I had him beat, he still tried to give me an out. Tried to tell me that there was still time to turn things around, but then Ren showed up and..." His words died in his throat, the image of Tai's hopeful face turning into pained surprise as Ren got to him still burned into his mind.
"And he took away what you felt was your only out." Rey finished for him, speaking the thoughts that Ben hadn't been able to give voice to.
Ben nodded. "I lost it after that. It was the final straw, and the only thing left to do after that was to fall into the dark and I took my frustrations out on Ren, killing him for it. I took control of his knights after that, and officially joined up with Snoke, who introduced me to the First Order. It was around then that Kylo Ren come to be."
"You didn't fall, Ben. You were manipulated, coerced, and then pushed off the edge. You resisted it for so long, and were doing so well; it wasn't until they made you feel like there was no other option were you forced to go." Rey said, shaking her head. "I saw as much in your dream; Kylo Ren came to be in order for you to protect yourself. It was how you survived."
"But it still...still doesn't excuse all the things that I did during that time."
"That may be true, but this is when you can be better. You are free to just be you and if you want thereis the chance to go and help people, to make up for everything that happened. We could even go and try to make sure that nothing like what happened ever happens to anyone again. No matter what happens, even if we bring just a little bit of light to the galaxy, it will all matter."
"You know, I think you and Tai would've gotten along well with each other."
"You think so?"
"Definitely. After all, he said something similar to me before."
Ben woke up the next morning to the calming sensation of someone gently running their fingers through his hair. Slowly he opened his eyes just enough so that he could tell that his head was resting on Rey's chest, feel her chin resting against his forehead.
It was as if the weight that he had always felt on his shoulders had lifted; and he finally realized what these quiet and still mornings truly meant. For the first time he could ever remember, there were no voices in his head, almost constantly feeding into his doubts, his biggest fears. There was no one trying to pull him one way or the other.
There was nothing but Rey and her warm, comforting presence. He could feel the smile slipping onto his face, but made no attempts to stop it. Instead he simply closed his eyes, content to lay there and bask in the silence, finally able to simply just be.
Rey was a woman that actually understood him, that took the time to get to know the darkest parts of him and didn't shy away. The longer he laid there like that, thinking about how she didn't care about the legacy he came from, or how much power he could harness, and how much she meant to him, the stronger the warmth in his chest became. It didn't take long before something that had always been felt but never spoken outloud slipped out.
"I love you."
It was as if the air around them froze as soon as the words escaped him and his brain caught up with what he had just done. The rational part of him knew that she felt the same, could feel it humming softly across their bond, but the ever-present doubt in the back of his mind; the terrible 'what if?' question refused to go away.
"I know." Rey answered without any hesitation or pause, speaking as if it were common knowledge and moving so that she could hold him tighter against her. "I love you even more."
"I'm not sure that's possible." He grinned, wide and happy as he laid there with her.
"Oh really? Then why don't you prove it to me?" Her tone was teasing, egging him on.
"Well, since you're asking for it..." He moved, changing position so that he could capture her lips in a deep, passionate kiss.
