Chapter 20
What did one really need out in the wilderness? I pondered the thought as I packed my backpack. I'd already packed two sets of pants and two warm sweaters. You might think that one extra pair of pants and one extra sweater would be enough for spending a night out in the woods, but seeing as I was prone to accidents I was going to risk freezing to death. I'd probably slip into a lake or something. Nature had never been kind to me and I didn't expect it to change for this occasion.
Rummaging through my drawers, trying to find something decent to sleep in, I happened to stumble upon a piece of clothing I'd hoped I'd been clever enough to leave behind in Phoenix. Apparently I hadn't been as clever as I'd hoped. For a moment I just held Dan's t-shirt in my hands, not knowing what to do with it. It was one of those brainy t-shirts he always wore, the ones where you had to have read some old Russian or French literature to be able to grasp the message or the pun. It read "She wanted to die, but she also wanted to live in Paris". It was Madame Bovary, the book that had once brought us together. He had given it to me before we'd been anything more than friends, claiming since I was always eyeing it I might as well take it. At the time I was just thankful that he seemed to be thinking that I was eyeing the t-shirt rather than him. My heart had already been racing at the sight for him for a good four months now but I wasn't about to tell him that. I didn't wear the t-shirt to school since I figured a lot of people had already seen him wearing it and I wasn't about to start a rumour about something that wasn't anything. But I wore the t-shirt to bed every night from that day on.
When we got around to spending the night together from time to time, about a hundred years later on, he made a couple of jokes about me being a stalker in the making when I confessed that his t-shirt had been a treasured possession of mine for quite a while now.
"You could have just told me you liked me, you know", he commented once as we were lying on, "What is the worst thing that could have lead up to?"
"It could have ruined everything. Us. That's what could have happened", I said matter-of-factly. Me being the awkward one like always, and him being a bit oblivious when it comes to romance, well, it didn't exactly make for a good love story to begin with. I myself was only happy that we'd ever gotten to the I-like-you-too-part so that we could move past being just friends.
"Well, I know you're thinking I'm a bit oblivious when it comes to these things, and I do admit that you probably saw things clearly a good while before I did. But I think I would have caught up, probably sooner than later", he said and placed a kiss on my forehead.
But that was just the thing, the fact that Dan had "discovered" me a good couple of months after I had in fact realized he probably meant more to me than a best friend always made me feel that he had the upper hand in this relationship. Even though I always had a strong feeling that we really did belong together I also suspected that he'd be likelier to break that bond. I know it sounds really stupid but Dan always made me feel chosen and special, even though I suppose he was just your average guy anyone observing us from the outside. To most people in our school our relationship was probably your average high school romance and not at all the epic love story I made it out to be in my head. Except it wasn't. When all the other kids at our school met at drunken high school parties we found each other through Madame Bovary. When other kids passed notes in class to purvey their interest we just decided straight on that we should probably be friends. When other kids chaperoned each other at parties and in school to dare to talk to each other we hung out on Dan's roof, talking about things I'd never told anyone before, and probably never would again.
I'd told him about how I sometimes worried about Charlie back in Forks and how he was getting on without me and Renee. I also told him that I though Charlie was probably better off, at least concerning Renee. Even though my father probably still loved her there was no way in hell that her flighty way of life could ever make him happy. I told him how I secretly wished to be a writer, but probably would just end up studying literature in college so that I could go on to teach English rather than being the next Flaubert. I wasn't even afraid to tell him that he was my first kiss, even though I was pretty sure I wasn't even though we'd never discussed the matter further. Nor was I afraid to reveal that I had never slept with anyone else but him when we got around to that part. It simply didn't seem to make sense to try and hide anything from Dan. We understood each other fully and there was no one I trusted more, not even Renee.
Suddenly a sound outside of my window interrupted my thoughts. I looked out the window but could only see the big willow tree swaying outside my window, its branches easily gracing the window of my room. I looked back at the t-shirt. Well, to hell with all of that, right? This stupid t-shirt only reminded me of all the stuff I'd have to let go to be able to move on with my life. Without a second thought I hurled the sweater across the room and it ended up skidding in under my bed. Great. At some point I'd have to get in there and pick it up so I could get rid of it for real. But it wasn't today, I wasn't spending one more minute dwelling on what had happened back in Phoenix.
