Chapter 25
What was happening to me? Had I lost my mind in the moonlight? Had I gone moon crazy? Here I was, in the middle of the night in some dark forest, about to open up to Edward Cullen of all people about what had gone down back in Phoenix. Edward looked a bit shocked about my sudden opening up to him and I didn't blame him. I'd acted like a clam ever since I got here and I'd been very sparse with the details of my leaving Phoenix, other than the official my-mom-is-dating-a-baseballer-story. And here I was, about to spill my guts to a guy I hardly knew. And the craziest thing of all was that it didn't feel crazy at all. The short time I'd known Edward I'd learned that he was a good listener and that he wasn't the one to let word get around once you told him something. I felt completely sure about my story staying with him if I did decide to tell him. How crazy was that?
"I'm not gonna bore you or make you sad with all the details", I started off.
"I don't mind details", he interrupted me. "Really. If you don't mind telling them." He looked at me, his gaze earnest as ever.
I couldn't help but smile at his serious expression.
"Okay, Mr. Busybody. I'll tell you the details. The ones I can stand at least."
"Sounds fair", he answered, his voice sincere.
I wondered to myself how long he'd been dying to pry this information out of me. Seeing him paying this much attention made it clear to me that there was no way in hell that Edward wasn't into me, you just didn't invest that kind of interest in someone you just wanted to befriend. Edward Cullen had his eyes set on me and there was nothing I could do about it. Or could I? Yes, there was. I could lower his expectations about us ever becoming a thing by telling him what went down between me and Dan and how this left me being damaged goods. I could do that.
"Well, back in Phoenix there was a guy."
"I'd figured as much", Edward answered. He sounded nervous all of a sudden.
"He was my high-school crush. And junior high crush for that matter. And also my boyfriend, for a while at least. We found each other when I was 13 and then we just stuck together. Things took a romantic turn like a year ago. I'd been pining for him for quite some time by then, but I always imagined I'd be forever friendzoned and as long as I didn't have to endure watching him with other girls I was pretty fine about it. It could have been enough just being friends. Then things got real when he started talking about going to college, about a year ago, and I decided I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. So I spoke up and let him know how I felt about us being "just" friends and that I'd be missing more than a friend when he went off to college. It took him a while to catch up but when he did it turned out the feelings were mutual. I was the happiest person alive for 6 months or so. We did the whole high-school couple thing. Prom, silly photos, matching yearbook quotes – you name it."
I paused for a second and watched Edward's reaction. It was hard to tell his facial expression in the dark, but from what I could tell he had a very composed look about him. Maybe this story wouldn't fend him off anyway?
"Anyhow, as high-school romances always go things started getting hard when he left for college. I still don't quite know what happened, seeing as I was the idiot waiting for him at him, like a lovesick puppy. But I imagine the college life made him realize a thing or two, and me just being your average high-school girl, I probably couldn't compete with that. I suppose he just realized that the world was bigger than the world we'd made for ourselves back in Phoenix. And well, after that things started going south. He started taking his time returning my calls, when he did return my calls. His texts grew shorter. He was less enthusiastic about visiting during the weekends and less happy about me visiting him at campus. I hung on to him for dear life, but I realized pretty soon that I was losing him. I was too afraid to bring up the subject, knowing that would only bring on the end even faster. So I stuck to him like glue, no dignity what so ever. I was an idiot. And in the end it didn't make a difference. He broke up with me at thanksgiving. He said he didn't feel like he had before and that he was sure that we'd probably just grow apart even more with the passing of time. That it was just a high-school romance. Only that to me it wasn't. It really wasn't. I miss him every day…"
I could feel my heart aching as I'd uttered the words. It had been months now since I'd talked about Dan. I'd had a complete breakdown in front of Renee just after he'd broken up with me but after that I'd opted for trying to be numb instead. It had served me pretty well so far. But now, talking about this, I realized I was nowhere near being over Dan and that it was eating me up on a daily basis, even though I refused to utter his name. I looked at Edward and realized I'd probably opened up enough, the story I'd just sprung upon him was enough to fill an episode of Oprah. I couldn't quite read what was going through Edward's head right now but he looked dead serious. Probably my story had struck him the way I had wished for it to and he'd realized both my head and heart were elsewhere.
Suddenly he stood up and walked towards me. Before I had time to react he'd sat down beside me on the log and he took one of my hands and wrapped it in his hand.
"I'm really sorry that happened to you", he said looking right at me. "I don't know that guy and I'm not going to say anything bad about him, even though I might feel otherwise, but you are no idiot for having waited for someone you loved."
And there it was, black on white. I loved Dan. I still loved Dan. That was a tough blow.
"Furthermore", he continued. "I know you think I'm trying to complicate your life even further and that I want things from you that you are not willing to give. And that is true."
Whoa, who was this guy even? Who says stuff like this?
"But, I'm not going to and I am not", he continued. "I'm not going to make your life harder, unless you want me to that is, and I'm not asking for anything but friendship from you. Even though I will be honest and admit that the thought has crossed my mind more than once. I'd just like to get to know you, get to know what you're about. I realize that you're going through a tough time right now and I am in no position to ask you to complicate your life further by considering me. So I'm not asking you to do that. And I'm really thankful for you telling me this tonight, I appreciate it. As you said, I knew something was up and I could see that you were building walls around you. Just know that I am not going to try and tear those walls down. The choice is yours. Is that okay?"
I just looked at him, completely dumbfounded. Where did he find courage to say stuff like that? Even when I'd been sure of Dan's mutual affection I'd never dared to speak as boldly to him as Edward had done to me just now.
"That's totally fine, Edward", I said at last. "I'm not unaware of the fact that you've shown interest in me and I would love to be your friend. But at the same time I feel I have to be honest and let you know I can't offer you more than that."
"And that is completely fine. I promise", he said, looking sternly at me.
"Okay then", I said, nervously squeezing his hands with mine. Why did I even do that? I looked him in the eyes and it was impossible to know what he was thinking. He looked completely blank. Man, he was beautiful. Why couldn't I just get over Dan Whitaker and go with this instead? A gorgeous guy had just declared his interest in my in the light of a moonlit sky and here I was bawling about my ex? That just wasn't right. But at the same time I knew I wasn't about to push Dan Whitaker out of my head anytime soon and it would be cruel to ask Edward to wait for that to happen.
Edward shot me a faint smile and I could feel my stomach flip. Had I ruined our friendship for good with this emo speech?
"Are you okay?", Edward asked, and I decided our friendship was probably going to be okay.
"I'm going to be", I said, and for the first time in a long, long time I actually felt like I meant it. I was in a new place, building new friendships and Dan Whitaker was nowhere to be found to ruin this for me. For the first time in months I actually saw possibilities rather than obstacles. My world wasn't going to tumble over for good because of Dan Whitaker.
