A hardened soul will repel anything
tossed at it; words, love, compassion,
even darts. A stoic shell grown of misery
and trial needs two loving hands to
massage and hold, soften and bend, to
dissolve that poisonous and unyielding
force held protectively dear. Hold still,
beautiful one, and allow another to reach
within to touch and let the healing begin.

Maureen Alexandra

— Emmryn's POV—

After that day, I decided to keep to myself. I felt dead inside and saw no reason to try and form a friendship with anyone. As a result, Levi, Hange, and even Erwin were kept at arm's length. I just couldn't handle any sort of emotional interaction.

Levi tried multiple times in the month leading up to the expedition to get me to talk during my nightly cleaning duties in his office. All he ever got from me was one word and shallow answers. He eventually got the message and stopped trying to have a pleasant conversation. Instead, he opted for giving me space after what happened at the training grounds, most likely at Hange's suggestion.

As for the rest of the squad... well they had different reactions. Eld was polite to me and seemed apologetic for his behavior. Gunther was kind but clearly still didn't 100% trust me. Petra was apparently jealous of me spending time in the Captain's office (I overheard her complaining about it to another soldier), and Oluo... that motherfucker continued to make underhanded and suggestive comments about me being a prostitute anytime Levi was out of earshot. The dude was so lucky that I wasn't a snitch.

Finally, we reached the day of the expedition. I woke up after another nearly sleepless night and quickly dressed in my uniform deciding to pin my bangs to the side, showing my right eye. I just didn't want my hair flying everywhere during the expedition. As soon as that was done, I walked at a brisk pace to the cafeteria for breakfast. After grabbing my daily rations, I decided to sit in my new typical spot, which is in the back corner of the cafeteria next to a large window. I quickly ate my breakfast before laying my head on my arms on the table in front of me. Gosh I am so exhausted.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a cup being placed in front of me. I lazily looked up to see a cup of tea in front of me. Confused, my gaze continued to rise to see a bored-looking Levi. Well, at first glance he would appear bored, but there was emotion in his eyes that I was just too tired to worry about.

"Drink it. You look like shit, and the last thing I need is you being too tired and getting yourself killed on your first expedition," Levi ordered, and I smiled slightly in spite of myself. He truly was kind under that douchebag exterior he showed everyone.

"Thank you, Levi," I replied quietly as I gingerly lifted the cup to my lips with both hands. The warm liquid woke me up, and the sweet taste was evidence that the stoic captain had not forgotten my preference for having sugar in my tea. Despite feeling mostly dead inside the past month or so, it was a nice comfort on what could be my last day alive. Today, I would be facing the titans as an official member of the Scouts.

"Tch. We leave in ten minutes. Make sure you're ready and on your horse by that time," Levi said in his usual bored tone as he walked away, not waiting for my response. I sighed and finished drinking my tea. Today was going to be rough.

Trost was now the exit of choice for expeditions since the fall of Shiganshina and Wall Maria. This event had come as a shock to me when I had found out about it during my training. As we approached the gate, I felt my pulse quicken and my stomach churn. It's not that I feared death for myself. In fact, I felt pretty okay with the idea at this point. The world was an ugly place that I was frankly fed up with and had very little hope for; however, Erwin had hopes and faith in humanity, and that was something that I did not want taken from him.

The pale gray mare I was riding and had named Icarus shifted slightly under me, clearly sensitive to my unease. My hand reached out and stroked her mane in response, swiveling my head slightly to the right to make up for the huge blind spot I had on my right side.

"We will now conduct the 30th expedition outside the walls! Let us continue our fight for humanity and its survival! Onwards!" Erwin yelled as he lifted one of his blades into the air, signaling all of us to move forwards. Taking a deep breath, I nudged Icarus with my heels till she reached a gallop in time with the rest of the Scouts.

And suddenly, I was greeted with the sight of a bright blue sky and a sense of freedom, despite still being within wall Maria. My head swiveled once again to take in my surroundings. I was in the front left of the formation in the Levi Squad. Levi was, of course, front and center. Petra was to my right. Gunther was in the back center. Eld was behind Petra, and Oluo was, unfortunately, behind me.

"Don't piss yourself, greenhorn!" Oluo jeered at me. I rolled my eyes at his statement but ultimately ignored him when I heard the familiar sound of him biting his tongue while riding. This caused a small smirk to appear on my lips. Serves him right. Next thing I know, we hear Erwin yell that it is time to move to his long range scouting formation. With this order, the entire formation decompressed, and we were officially heading towards our destination, to set up supply bases throughout Wall Maria so that we could eventually go outside of the walls completely again.

Suddenly, the feeling of thundering footsteps caught my attention. My eyes widened as I saw 3 grotesque monsters sauntering towards us. Titans. They were even uglier than I had imagined. They were over 10 meters tall and one of them had this creepy smile, one had large bulging eyes, and the third had a major pot belly. They were terrifying, and I felt myself begin to shake especially when I saw a group of soldiers going to attack them. Without warning, the one with bulging eyes reached out and grabbed one of the soldiers trying to attack them and without hesitation bit him clean in half.

A scream escaped my lips as the blood spurted everywhere, and without thinking, I broke formation to help those who were struggling with the titans. The sound of the captain yelling after me barely even registered in my mind. There was fear in my heart, but there was an overwhelming conviction that those sacrificing their lives had much more valuable and important lives than I did. The most I could do was try and save as many valuable lives as I could.

With surprising precision, I deployed my ODM gear, attaching the hooks into the arm of the one with bulging eyes, using gas to speed me up and momentum, I slashed up its arm before reaching its neck and slashing through the nape as hard as I could. With a scream it fell to the ground, steam rising from its dead body as I whistled for my horse and jumped onto her back as I fell from the titan.

With blood pounding in my ears from the adrenaline, I took in my surroundings and paled as I saw something that was almost as terrifying as the titans themselves. The other two titans were on the ground with steam rising up from their bodies, between them was an extremely pissed looking Captain Levi with titan blood evaporating as steam off multiple parts of his body. He looks really badass. Wait focus, Emmryn. You're totally dead... With that thought, I turned my horse around galloping back to formation as fast we could. Walls, please spare me from Captain Levi's wrath.

Song: Colors by Halsey

Edited: 03/25/2020