Many thanks once again to my dear NoPondInTheForest! The title of this chapter is clearly inspired by that wonderful song all of you know really well, I'm sure! There's another song you'll find bits of in this chapter, "What is a youth?", which appears in Nino Rota's score for Franco Zeffirelli's stunning version of "Romeo and Juliet".
London, 17th May 1600, 12:00 am
Even to the human mind it is often extraordinary how slowly time may seem to pass by when one is in a state of panic.
The thirty odd seconds that went by from the moment the TARDIS disappeared until it materialised again felt like thirty odd hours for Clara. Not any less amazing than the slowness of such lapse of time had been the countless and unbelievable thoughts that had run through her head while it lasted. Why? Why would the Doctors leave her stranded in the 1600s? Should they even have a reason to do that? It just didn't make any sense to her… What on earth must have happened? She knew the Doctor – her Doctor – well, and she knew it was not at all like him to do something like that unless he had a good reason. So what reason could he possibly have? What had happened during that journey to Elizabethan England? Well, she and her Doctor had been telling the other Doctor about the salvation of Gallifrey, and about all the people and aliens that had taken part in it, and they had given him every single detail that had come to their minds. And it was true – he had been a bit incredulous at first, but after a while he seemed to have come to terms with their tale without having to make too much of an effort. Then they landed and she opened the door, and when she gazed upon the dark starry sky and felt the cold night air on her face, she felt the impulse to step outside the TARDIS for just a brief while – and only seconds later, they were gone!
But they would come back, wouldn't they? Because if they didn't… Well, what would she do if they didn't? 'Cause even if they had had a good reason, she also knew that, at times, things didn't necessarily go the way the Doctor had expected, and Elizabethan England was certainly not the era she would have chosen to get trapped in at all. She definitely couldn't go anywhere near the Queen under any circumstances, lest she should be recognised, but the prospect of ending her days hiding in the countryside and living as a peasant didn't exactly make her jump with joy either… Oh dear. What would she do? Oh, hang on a minute, maybe this was just the TARDIS playing yet another trick on her… Or maybe it had developed some kind of fault and all this was just an unhappy but insignificant accident?
Her head was on the brink of starting to spin when she heard a very familiar and at that time soothing sound. She turned around, looked left, and saw the TARDIS materialising in a wood right opposite. Sighing with relief, she closed her eyes and smiled, as she had just fathomed that the Doctors' motive for deciding to leave for such a brief while had been the TARDIS, which couldn't possibly have been left parked right there in plain sight, where it had first materialised, so they had thought it best to hide it among the trees in the wood.
It all seemed so very obvious now that she couldn't help but feel a bit silly.
Several minutes passed and none of the Doctors stepped out of the TARDIS though, which, Clara thought, was quite unusual. She walked towards the wood slowly and came to a halt only a few metres away from the spaceship, but there weren't any Doctors getting out of it yet. She raised her forearm and clenched her fist with the intention of knocking at the door, but on second thoughts, she decided not to get in and wait for them outside instead. When the door surprisingly opened an instant later and the Eleventh Doctor's eyes met hers, he jumped out of the TARDIS and held her in a tight embrace.
"Clara," he said, his voice sounding, much to her surprise, a bit melancholic and also quite emotional, "Clara Oswald. Don't you ever dare leave me. Did you hear that?"
"Doctor?" she asked, disconcerted not only by his unexpected demand, but also by the strength of his arms as they kept holding her close to him, "are you alright?"
"Yes," he replied, softening her grip on her and smiling, "yes I am."
"It's funny that you should tell me that when a moment ago I was thinking I was the one who'd been abandoned... What have you two been doing?"
"Oh, nothing in particular," he went on, distracted, "We were just talking and… Well, have you got a plan? You're always great at making plans!"
"Oh am I? Thanks! You're not great at being elusive, though" she replied, quickly giving up. "I did have a plan before, certainly, and let me remind you, so did you! Originally, the plan was, first, finding the Tenth Doctor, who…"
"Right here! Hello!" replied the Tenth Doctor, who was leaning on the TARDIS door, waving them hello with a quick movement of his fingers.
"…who we have already found, and then, travelling to Elizabethan England to do some research."
"Okay, so here's Number Ten, and here we are, London, May 1600! So far, so good," the Eleventh Doctor replied excitedly. "And the rest of the plan?"
"There's no rest of the plan."
"If you don't mind my intruding," the Tenth Doctor interrupted, "what exactly is your idea of doing research?"
"That's what the rest of the plan is about!" said the Eleventh Doctor even more excitedly than before.
"Which means," the Tenth Doctor continued, "you really don't have a plan. Okay! Now I get it. Actually, it's brilliant! I love not having a plan!" the Tenth Doctor replied, his face shining. Clara would have sworn he looked a bit grim when they arrived, but whatever the reason, it was now gone. "Then shall we walk into town? See what we can find out?"
With his usual childish smile – the one that Clara had seen on his lips a million times, whenever he was really excited – an enthusiastic Eleventh Doctor nodded, and in a matter of milliseconds, the two Time Lords were leading the way right in front of her. Clara, however, didn't move.
"But… Doctors!" she interrupted. "Sorry for being such a spoilsport, but… Why didn't you leave the TARDIS in that spot over there?"
"Because it had to be hidden," replied the Eleventh Doctor. "How could we just leave her there in the middle of the countryside without taking any precautions? Then Queen's guards might have found it, or even worse – the Queen herself might have seen it and realised we were here!"
"So you are concerned that the Queen or her men might have seen the TARDIS, but not that they might see us. Because if we walk into town like this, and the Queen or any of her men happens to recognise us, you know what's going to happen, right? No mystery to solve, no disaster to prevent. Just… Off with our heads!"
The Doctors' smiles faded as they stopped and looked at each other. Clara was absolutely right, and none of them, in their excitement, had even considered that possibility.
"Well," the Tenth Doctor started, rubbing the back of his neck, "I wasn't exactly planning on getting anywhere near the Queen. But that doesn't make your warning any less important, Clara. Of course, we might still just be seen."
"Shouldn't we at least wear masks or something?" she asked.
'Then why did we even come here?" the Eleventh Doctor added. "What was the point? If we cannot get anywhere near the Queen, how are we supposed to find out what's really going on?"
"So, let's wear masks!"
"It's not as simple as that, Clara," the Tenth Doctor explained. "I mean, of course we absolutely need to wear masks…"
"And hoods," the Eleventh Doctor interrupted.
"And hoods, yes, but what is really important here is that w…"
"And also tunics," the Eleventh Doctor interrupted again.
"Tunics! Yes! Also tunics! Are you done?" shouted the Tenth Doctor, visibly annoyed by the constant interruptions. "Honestly, the thought of any living creature wearing those three things altogether is absolutely terrifying, so could you stop it? Anyway, that will only allow us to mingle with the locals and listen to their stories, which might be helpful, but it might also not be helpful… What if only the Queen and those closer to her know about her plans?"
"We need ears at court," the Eleventh Doctor concluded. "We need a spy! We need some kind of double agent to keep an eye on the Queen and tell us about her every move."
"There goes our only hope, then!" said the Tenth Doctor. "I was thinking of William Shakespeare, and I'm sure he would've been more than willing to help, but if the plan is having someone infiltrated at court, forget it! The Queen saw me with him at the Globe once, so I'm afraid neither him nor any of the actors in his company will be of any help. She's really clever, and it wouldn't take her long to put two and two together if she suspected there might be some kind of connection between us and our secret agent... Oh, come on, Doctor, think!" he exclaimed, tapping his temples with this fingers. "Surely, in all these years we must have met someone who can give us a hand here at some point…"
"I met Mata Hari once," the Eleventh Doctor said, "but I doubt she'd want to help us. I even doubt she'd want to speak to me again..."
"Who knows what you must've done to her…" added Clara. "Well, I'm sorry Doctor, but I don't think even Mata Hari herself would be of much help here either. What we need is… James Bond! If only he was real, that is."
"I also met Ian Fleming once, but I don't think he would agree to all this... I'm afraid the Queen's not his type," said the Eleventh Doctor.
"What exactly do you have in mind, Clara?" the Tenth Doctor asked her.
"Well, it's just that, when we met the Queen, she was desperate to find a man who would tie the knot with her, that was clear as day! You kept insulting her, laughing at her and offending her, and even so, she would still have you, which was quite incomprehensible to be honest, but that's how it was! So what I'm thinking is, if only we could find someone who would sing along to her tune for a couple of days and pretend to be in love with her… That would be perfect! Don't you think we could try and find a handsome young man in sixteenth century London who would do that much for us? The Queen must have lots of opposition…"
"But Clara," the Eleventh Doctor asked her in a serious tone, "what if everything went terribly wrong? You know what would happen to that young man, don't you? And we definitely won't put an innocent's life in danger."
"Oh!" the Tenth Doctor suddenly shouted, taking his right hand to his forehead, eyes wide open, staring into the darkness. With the broadest grin she had seen in her whole life, he walked towards Clara and lifted her up from the ground so high above that he had to raise his head about ninety degrees to be able to look her in the eye. "Clara…! I'm sorry, what was your full name again?"
"Oswald, Doctor. Clara Oswald," she replied trying not to sound rude at all, as talking to someone from such a place and in such position happened to be the most uncomfortable thing she had ever done. "Can you put me down now?"
"Well, Clara Oswald, let me tell you, you're a star! Oh yes you are!"
He put her back on the ground and ran towards the TARDIS, while the other Doctor and Clara kept looking at him, wondering what he might be up to.
"What?" the Eleventh Doctor asked, quite puzzled. "What is it? Are you not going to tell us?"
"Back in a mo! Don't move! I'll be right here before you even blink!"
"What?!" the Eleventh Doctor said in alarm, as he saw his previous self get back into the TARDIS. "What are you doing?! Your TARDIS is momentarily dead, let me remind you, and mine is cutting edge! State-of-the-art! Too complicated for you! I don't think you'll be able to fly it!"
"Of course I'll be able to fly it!" he replied from inside the TARDIS.
"No, you won't! My console room is quite different from yours! It's got all these new controls which usually prevent spacy-wacey stuff from happening… And which do not always work anyway…."
"I'll manage! Don't worry about that!" the Tenth Doctor shouted from the console room one more time, and poking his head through the door he had previously left ajar, added, "I'll be right back," with a silly smile, a rising eyebrow, and a wink, before heading towards the console and closing the door.
"But won't you at least tell us where you're going?"
Only two seconds went by before the Doctor opened the door and poked his head through it again to explain.
"Forget about that hiring a local thing. Didn't you think Clara's suggestion was brilliant?"
"Yes, I did. Why?"
"Well, if what we're dealing with is a woman who is desperately in need of a man, any man, who will pay just a tiny little bit of attention to her, no matter if he really can't stand her or keeps mocking her or is constantly making fun of her, and all we really need is a handsome young man to willingly seduce her, and preferably a man whose life we will never under any circumstance be putting in danger… Well, I'm happy to say, I think I know just the man!"
He didn't stay to witness the sudden look of understanding and broad smile on his future self's face, since, with those spirited words and another ear-to-ear smile, the Tenth Doctor finally closed the door.
And it only took him twenty-seven minutes and twenty-two seconds to manage with the new console and make the TARDIS dematerialise.
Almost two hours later, the Doctor and Clara were sitting shoulder to shoulder on the wet grass, fast asleep, their backs resting against the trunk of a tree, when the sound of the TARDIS materialising startled them. They quickly opened their eyes, held hands and jumped up, and they were already standing right opposite the door when it was opened by the Tenth Doctor, who remained inside the ship holding it. He smiled at them with satisfaction, an indication that his plan, much to his pleasure, had succeeded.
It had been her idea to find a handsome young man who would easily gain the Queen's favour, but Clara had certainly not expected her own jaw to drop to the floor at the sight of such man as he walked out of the TARDIS. He might not be as young as she had expected, but he was decidedly very attractive. He had the lightest blue eyes and the most perfect teeth she had ever seen, and his bright devilish smile made her blush, there was such an air of self-confidence about him. Unable to say a word, she just stood there looking at him with her eyes and mouth wide open and realizing how stupid she must look, but doing nothing about it.
The Eleventh Doctor's hearts had surely jumped with joy at the sight of the visitor's face, in spite of which he took a moment to admire the newcomer's distinguished attire. He was wearing an impeccable Renaissance Court outfit which combined dark blue velvet and bright white silk elaborately embroidered with silver thread, and with pieces of silver jewellery scattered all over the doublet, the jerkin, and the pants. He was also wearing white stockings and blue shoes, a shoulder cloak, a sword cloak, and a blue velvet hat with enormous blue and white plumes.
Lifting his right arm, the stranger spent a few seconds searching for something he was keeping inside his sword cloak. Clara assumed that it would obviously be a sword, so a giggle escaped her throat when, to her amazement, it turned out to be a lute.
After the few seconds the three of them spent in contemplation of one another, the man walked towards Clara, took her hand and brought it to his mouth. Looking at her seductively, he kissed her knuckles intensely and then proceeded to introduce himself.
"Lord Boeshane, of the Boeshane Peninsula. And who might you be?"
He also had a beautiful voice. Had she heard an American accent?
"Lord Boeshane of the Boeshane Peninsula?" the Tenth Doctor interrupted, his face twisting in a grimace of disgust. "Where did you get that from? It's pretty rubbish!"
"Says who? Sir Doctor of TARDIS?" Lord Boeshane replied, sounding pretty much annoyed as he turned to him.
"What? How did you know that? I never told you that!"
"No, you didn't, but Martha did."
"But I never told Martha either."
"It's Oswald. Clara Osw…" she interrupted.
"Don't!" the Tenth Doctor interrupted her, raising a hand and pointing his index finger at her face. Clara was shocked by his energetic warning, but wasn't allowed any time to protest.
For as soon as his past self put his hand down, her Doctor turned to their visitor and, with the happiest of faces, jumped to embrace him, closing his arms around his shoulders and his legs around his waist while letting his chin rest on the man's shoulder.
"Okay, now we're in trouble," mumbled the Tenth Doctor at hearing the other Doctor's merry laughter.
"My dear friend!" he said. "It's so very good to see you, it's been so long!"
The Doctor moved his head from his friend's shoulder to look at his face properly, still thinking that he wasn't real and that it was impossible for him to be there at all. His childlike, innocent eyes looked completely overjoyed, which was invitation enough for Lord Boeshane, who, suddenly holding his friend's head with a hand, hastily pressed his lips against the Doctor's wide smile. After a few seconds, the Doctor broke free and jumped off his friend, putting his feet back on the ground and leaving a considerable empty space separate him from the man that had just kissed him.
"Oi!" the Doctor exclaimed in disapproval. "Don't do that! Why would you do that?"
"Long time no kiss, Doctor," he replied, marking the stress in that last word.
The Doctor wasn't upset, though. The thrill of being reunited with an old and dear friend after so long was much more gratifying than any inconvenience caused by his old silly habits.
"Oh, never mind that. It really is great to see you, Jack," the Doctor added, his voice sounding as if in a dream. "But don't try to kiss me again!" he finished, his voice this time sounding as if he had accidentally been woken up from said dream and wasn't half amused by it.
"It's great to see you too, Benjamin Button!" teased Jack. "Aging backwards, but still looking good."
"Oh, really?" he said in a sudden burst of self-complacency. "Thank you! People seem to notice the chin all the time, but… Thank you," he went on with a confident smile as he proudly adjusted his bow tie.
Captain Jack Harkness was as pleased of being in 1600 London and in such great company as the Eleventh Doctor had been of being reunited with him, and eager to share his good cheer with his friends, he put his lute on his chest and started to play the first notes to a song. Coming closer to the Eleventh Doctor, he walked around him, looking at his eyes in an unashamedly seductive manner while singing the opening lines.
What is a youth? Impetuous fire…
"I didn't know you could sing," said the Tenth Doctor, although he certainly didn't sound too enthusiastic about it.
"There's so much you don't know I can do, Doctor," Jack replied, winking at him.
Then, coming closer to Clara and looking at her as seductively as he had been looking at the Eleventh Doctor, he went on with his lute playing and his song singing.
What is a maid? Eyes and desire - The world wags on…
Then he stopped singing and bowed in front of her.
"Captain Jack Harkness. The pleasure is all mine."
"Nice to meet you, Captain," she replied. It took only a few seconds for certain events that had taken place earlier during such a long day to come back to her mind. "Hang on… Captain Jack Harkness?!"
"Wow! The Doctor has told you lots about me, hasn't he?" he asked with a look of smugness on his face.
"The Doctor?" she replied. "Oh no, he's never mentioned you."
"Are you sure?" he replied, sounding quite disappointed.
"It was Kate Stewart. Earlier today, in the Black Archive, she mentioned a Captain Jack Harkness and one of his… deaths?"
"Well, I'm afraid that's a long story, you pretty little thing, but we have plenty of time so… Shall we get inside the TARDIS and get some champagne?"
"Actually," the Tenth Doctor interrupted, "we don't have plenty of time. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry but I mean it, Jack, I really do. As it happens, we might not have any time at all, and we won't know how long we really have until we find out what Queen Elizabeth is up to. That, Lord Boeshane, is precisely why you're here."
"So, Doctors, what do you want me to do?" Jack asked.
"But… You still haven't told him?" said the Eleventh Doctor.
"Of course I haven't told him! He didn't give me a chance! As soon as he heard the words Elizabethan London he disappeared into the wardrobe!"
"And it took me ages to find it, did I tell you that?"
"What? The outfit?"
"Not the outfit… The wardrobe! I'd seen the outfit once some time ago and I had always wanted to have a chance to wear it! Nice new TARDIS by the way, you new gorgeous Doctor," Jack said, winking an eye at the Eleventh Doctor.
"Oh! Thank you, Jack. I've redecorated a couple of times since I last regenerated but…"
"Oh, really? I… didn't notice," said the Tenth Doctor.
"I know you don't like it, Sandshoes, so don't pretend you didn't notice! Although I would really appreciate it if you tried not to hurt my feelings once more by not saying it again!"
"Have you gone mad, Chinny? I haven't said anything!"
"Oh, and by the way, did you notice how it took you longer to find your way back than it took Jack to find that outfit?"
"What!?"
"Clara! What time did he leave exactly?"
"I don't know! I never know what time it is when we land."
"But how long have we been here?" he asked, a bit annoyed that she didn't seem to be of any support at the time.
"Oh! A bit over two hours I think."
"And there you are!"
"And since when do you worry about checking the passage of time?" the Tenth Doctor asked him.
"I always do whenever I'm on the other side of the TARDIS."
"Doctors!" cried a desperate Clara. "Please! Has anybody ever told you that the two of you together are exactly like two little children? You keep winding each other up!"
"But he started it!" replied the two Doctors, as if by mutual agreement. However, no sooner had they done so than they realised how much retaliating would be absolutely out of place.
"Okay," finally said the Eleventh Doctor. "Clara is absolutely right. We're here for a reason, and the sooner we find out what it is and put things back into place, the better."
They all listened to him in silence as they all knew he was right.
"So let me ask you again, Doctors," said Jack in anticipation, "what exactly is it that you've brought me here for?"
