Thank you so much IamTheAlleyCat for beta'ing and Ncsupnatfan for pre-reading.Thank you all for reading and reviewing xxx

Some of you got in touch to answer my Carlisle/Bella question, but I've not heard back from you. FFnet doesn't send out emails for PMs anymore, so if you've missed my message, check your PM inbox. You'll probably have a bunch of review replies in there from me, too. xxx


Chapter Twelve

Bella

I had worried my friendship with Carlisle would be complicated by the return of the rest of the Cullens, but I was thankfully wrong. Our conversations in his office before my shifts went on as before, though our talks now included news of what the family were doing.

They had finished decorating the rest of the house and were in the process of furnishing it. Alice and Jasper were settling in for their stay in Oregon. Rosalie was pushing for a trip overseas during the summer, but Emmett was reluctant to leave when they had just come together again.

That surprised me. I had always assumed Rosalie got whatever she wanted from Emmett. It was obvious he was completely devoted to her and her happiness. Carlisle agreed that it was a fairly recent development, denial of her wants, but he believed it would be healthy for her. I imagined her reaction with some insight, as I remembered her storming away from us when, the evening of the first baseball game, Emmett had remained to speak to me. That had been a good evening, before the nomads' arrival, of course.

"What are you thinking, Bella?" Carlisle asked.

My mind snapped back to the room, and I answered honestly. "I'm thinking about baseball."

He laughed. "Is a sport you have no interest in something you usually dwell on?"

"No, I was thinking of that game you guys played, before James."

His smile faltered, and his eyes became grave. "Yes. That is not one of my greatest memories."

"It is mine," I said, then explained, "It was my first time being really close to you all, seeing you as you really were rather than the human act. The fact you felt confident enough to show that side of yourselves to me meant something."

He smiled. "It meant something to me, too. We all, Alice excepted, waited for you to be scared away by what we were showing you—our true selves. You weren't. You were open to us in a way no human has been before or since."

"I'd like to do it again sometime. It'd be good to replace the memory of that aborted game with something good."

"I would like that, too. I think we all would."

"It's a date, then," I said. "Next thunderstorm we're all free, we'll find a spot."

"There is no need to find a spot. Emmett has his own way to settle into a new home. One of the first tasks is to find somewhere we can play sports together without being seen."

I smiled as another little piece of Emmett's character slid into place for me.

"Brilliant." I checked my watch and sighed. "I should go. Don't want the chief coming down on me for being late."

"Bella, one more thing before you go," he said.

"Yes?"

"I promised I would pass on a message for from Alice. She said it's much easier to be friends when you actually spend time together."

I felt a sting of annoyance at first, which quickly morphed into acceptance. She wasn't wrong. I had neglected them all since they came back, Edward included. Though we sometimes exchanged text messages with trivial news about our days, we hadn't seen each other.

"What is holding you back?" Carlisle asked. "Are you angry with us?"

"According to Jasper, I am."

"And according to you?"

I shrugged. "I don't want to be. I want things to go back to how they were."

"All things?" Though his voice was casual, his eyes were intense.

I knew what he was thinking: Edward.

Did I want things to go back to how they had been with him? It wasn't like I hadn't considered it. When we had sat together on that beach at sunset, I had felt an urge to reach out and touch him. His pain had been so obvious. It was that which had made me offer friendship, though I had known that it could one day hurt my heart to have it. When I had offered it up, a portion of my heart once again, and he had accepted, he had looked happier than I had seen since my birthday.

I had two paths laid out before me. One, the path that I would walk with Edward, was rocky and uphill. It was made dark by the trees that bowed over it. It was unknown. I could reach the peak and find beauty and happiness, or I could trip and fall, hurting myself again.

The other was safe and easy, smoothly paved and lit by the sun. Known. It was the path I had walked for years. It was that path I chose again. I would not risk myself on the rocks this time.

"Not all things," I said, an unwanted hint of sadness in my tone. "Some things have passed."

He nodded thoughtfully. He had expected my answer. He knew me well now.


The problem with recreating friendships with vampires was coming up with what to do when spending time with them. With my other—human—friends, we would go out for drinks or to the gym together. We could hang out in the park without needing to worry about sunshine exposing them as inhuman.

A week after my conversation with Carlisle, on one of my off-shift days, I drove to their place on a whim. When I reached the house, I saw Alice sitting on the porch steps, apparently waiting for me. I pulled to a stop and climbed out.

She beamed at me. "I knew I should stay home today," she said.

"You didn't see me coming?"

"No," she said proudly. "I've not had a vision of you in years—I've been giving you privacy. But today I had this feeling, so when the others went for a hunt, I stayed home. Then I heard you coming, and I knew I was right." She got smoothly to her feet and leaped from the steps to my side. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know," I said. "I got your message from Carlisle, I and figured I should come by. I'm not working tonight, so I have plenty of time." I didn't know why I told her that, essentially cutting off my escape route.

She must have seen my chagrin as she said, a little sadly, "I know you've got a busy life, Bella. You don't have to stay longer than you want."

"Thanks, Alice."

"Are you hungry?" she asked. "Thirsty? We have a bunch of human supplies , just in case."

"I could use a drink." It would give me something to do with my hands at least.

"Be right back." She darted into the house.

I considered before following. Though I had been part of decorating and furnishing the room, the lounge felt different to me now to the place of fun it had been with Carlisle, even though little had changed other than the addition of some art on the walls and photographs on the mantelpiece.

I walked over to them and looked along the line of images. There was a family shot in the center, the dated clothes telling me that it was an older photo. A photo of Carlisle and Esme was to the side of that one; they were smiling at the camera with their hands linked. Emmett and Rosalie were on the other side, Rosalie's flawless beauty caught on camera. Jasper and Alice made the most interesting portrait, as neither were looking out. They were staring into each other's eyes with a look of adoration on their faces. The last made my breath catch in my throat, as Edward was not alone in his. I was frozen on the glossy paper, too. It was a picture taken the night of the prom, after Alice had finished her make-over. I looked at my younger self and felt pity for her. She had no idea she was mere months away from heartbreak and a year away from mortal peril in the sights of a crazed vampire. It was a different life.

"Does it bother you that it's there?" Alice asked behind me.

"No. It's a part of his history. I understand." I turned to look at her. "It's a nice picture."

She smiled. "It is."

I shook off the melancholy that tried to infect me and took a seat in the armchair, receiving the mug of coffee Alice offered me.

"So, what have you been doing?" I asked.

"Home improvement," she said. "We had to decorate our bedroom and Jasper's study. That was fun. Esme usually decorates, and while she has fabulous taste, it was fun to experiment with color this time, though Emmett almost ended up with a hot pink bedroom."

"How's that?"

She laughed. "Basically, Rose tricked him. He was trying to be smooth and he failed spectacularly."

"Poor Emmett," I said affectionately.

She grinned. "He sets himself up for it."

Silence fell over us, and I sipped my coffee. It was good.

"What about you? What have you been doing?" she asked.

"Working, mainly," I said. "I've been compiling evidence for the prosecution of the guy that pulled a gun on me. I went out to dinner a couple of nights ago with some friends."

"You have a lot of friends," she said. "Carlisle told me."

"Yes, I suppose so. A lot of them are back home in Forks, but there's a group of us from work and the gym that meet pretty regularly."

She looked a little forlorn as she said, "Must be nice. I only ever really had you outside of our extended family, and Jasper's friends, Peter and Charlotte. I missed you so much when you were gone."

My teeth snapped together. I was never gone. I was always within her reach had she wanted me. She could have searched for me on a whim, and she would have found me. The way she said it made it seem like she'd had no choice in our separation.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing," I said automatically.

"You never were a good liar, Bella."

I set my mug down on the coffee table as my hands were starting to shake and took a deep, calming breath. "I don't like being called a liar," I said.

"Then don't lie."

I scowled at her. "You can talk. You lied to me enough times."

She looked genuinely hurt, and it made me angrier. How could she not see the glaring falsehoods in her words to me? How could she pretend like that? Didn't I deserve honesty, too?

"I told you the truth," she said. "Always. I told you the things you asked when we were in Phoenix, despite Edward being angry."

I leaned forward in my seat, my eyes narrowing. "You said I was your best friend, your sister."

"You are."

I laughed harshly. "No, Alice. You don't abandon family. You left me behind. One day you were there. The next you were gone. How was I supposed to feel about that?"

"I didn't want to leave. I tried to make him stay."

"I get that, Carlisle told me. What I don't understand is how, if I'm your best friend, you couldn't even leave me a note. You went without a word, a note, hell, not even a text to explain."

"Would that have helped?" she asked.

"Yes!" I said emphatically. "I would have known I'd mattered, that I wasn't abandoned. It would have given me something to cling to when I was alone and hurting. I needed you, Alice. I needed my best friend, and you were gone."

I felt sure that if she had been able to cry in that moment, she would have. I felt cruel for upsetting her, but at the same time, these were things I had held in for years without anyone to vent to. I didn't even open up to Jacob about how it had felt to be left by them all. He only ever knew about Edward.

"You mattered," she said quietly. "You mattered so much. I am so sorry. I thought he would come back soon. I didn't know you would suffer so much."

"You should have known better. You knew how much I loved him. How could I do anything but suffer without him?"

"He came back," she said, as if that was a defense for what she had done to me.

"He waited too long. He was too late." I shook my head. "I couldn't wait any longer. I found love with someone else."

"What happened?"

I hesitated before answering. "Jacob."

"The werewolf?"

"He was a wolf, but before that, he was my best friend."

She looked sad but expectant, and I closed my eyes to avoid her gaze as I spoke.


Bella – Four years previously…

Falling in love with Jacob was so easy, it wasn't like falling at all. It was like becoming aware of something that had always been there.

The night they took down Victoria, the pack had a bonfire party on First Beach. All the wolves were there, and the elders, and many other residents of La Push that were drawn by the music and laughter. Only those of us in on the secret knew why we were really celebrating. For everyone else, it was explained as a late graduation party.

The horror of what I had seen on that field had passed, repressed to haunt nightmares in the future, and I was feeling good. I'd danced with Quil, Embry, and Seth, and as the night drew to a close, the music became softer and easier to sway to rather than really dance. Jacob had claimed me, and I was held close against the baking heat of his chest, inhaling his unique, woodsy scent. I was happy.

His hand came up to my hair and his fingers ran through the strands. "This is perfect," he murmured in my ear.

I nestled closer to him and smiled. "It's pretty close."

Leaning back, he frowned at me. "No, Bella, perfect. At least it would be if you let it."

"Jake, I…"

"Let it, Bella," he implored. "You know I love you. You know I could make you happy."

He lowered his face slowly and brushed his lips against my forehead. There was no fooling myself into thinking that this was a mere friend's kiss. He was building up to something, giving me a chance to pull away.

I didn't.

His lips traced down my face to my cheek and, there, they paused.

"Please," he whispered, pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth.

I took a breath and turned my face just as he leaned in close again. Our lips met, and I felt a thrill of something in my stomach.

His heat scorched me, filling me as he deepened the kiss. I didn't pull back. I returned it with fervor, my skin coming alive with tremors that had nothing to do with the cold night, wrapped in his warm embrace as I was. He pulled back ever so slightly, and we drew breaths, inhaling each other's air, before he kissed me again.

Lost in the feeling of him, the taste of him, I almost didn't notice the sensation of completeness that washed through me. The hole that had been a constant in my life for months, the ache of something missing, was washed away by the feeling of him, the taste of him. The break in my heart closed. It would leave a scar, I knew that, but the damage, the agony, was gone.

Jacob pulled back and gripped my shoulders, looking me in the eye, fear and happiness combined in his gaze. "Bella?"

"I love you, Jake," I said fervently.

His eyebrow rose, a question. I answered it the only way I could, by slamming our lips together again and wrapping my arms around his back, clinging to him as if I was drowning and only he could save me.


"Jacob was comfort," I said. "I knew he would never let me down."

"Comfort doesn't sound very romantic," Alice said.

I shook my head. "It wasn't what I had with Edward. Nothing ever will be. But I was happy with him. We were happy."

"If you were so happy, why aren't you with him now?"

"Because I wasn't ready. When I went to college, I saw the whole world open up to me. There were so many choices and options. I could do and be anything I wanted. I loved that freedom." I sighed. "Jacob wanted promises from me, a guarantee of a future together. I could see it all clearly. Me working in Forks PD. A home on the reservation. Children. A good, settled life. I would love and be loved, but it would never have been enough. There's so much I want to experience, Alice, and I couldn't do that and make Jacob happy. I chose to be selfish. I chose myself."

"But you've ended up here," she said, a frown creasing her perfect brow. "How is that better than what you would have had with him?"

"I haven't 'ended up' anywhere," I said, some of my annoyance returning. "I am twenty-three years old. I have a lifetime to do what I want. Right now, I want this life—serving. One day, that will change, and I will move on."

"Move on to what?" she asked.

I frowned. "I don't know yet. That's kinda the point, Alice."

She toyed with the sleeve of her top, looking uncharacteristically uncomfortable. "Do you still want the things you wanted before, the things you wanted from us?"

I looked at her blankly. Then, an inkling of suspicion crept over me. Was she seriously asking what I thought she was? "Are you asking if I still want to be a vampire?"

"Yes."

"No, I don't. I never wanted immortality or beauty. I wanted forever with Edward. That's gone now."

"But if you were," she said, "you could experience so much more. You would have forever to do what you wanted."

I shook my head, feeling pity for her. Her idea of experiencing things wasn't the same as mine. How can I experience a world I would have to hide from?

"You could still have…" she started, then hesitated.

I thought I knew what she was saying—I could have Edward.

"No, Alice," I said. "I couldn't."

I had chosen the other path.


So… If you feel about canon Jacob the way I do, I apologize for the kiss scene. I wasn't comfortable writing it, but it was necessary.

Until next time…

Simaril xxx