Thank you so much IamTheAlleyCat for beta'ing and Ncsupnatfan for pre-reading.
You guys are amazing. My most successful SPN story had 725 reviews and that was my epic piece with 79 chapters. With the last update, we blew past that for this story. I couldn't be more grateful to you all.
I had a guest review that I couldn't reply to, but I feel I need to address it in case any of you were thinking the same. This is not a T rated story. It's an M because it has 'adult language, themes and suggestions.' That is what an M story is according to the FFnet rules. Anything above that is violating the terms of service you accept before posting a story. I removed all lemons from my stories in 2012 after the purge which had hundreds of stories in the Twilght fandom deleted by admins, thousands of stories across the site overall, with all reviews lost. A lot of friends lost all their stories and reviews then. I didn't want the same to happen to me. I gave the option of you going to AO3 to read the lemon if you like.
Guest, I'm sorry of you feel I made you read 66k before letting you down by omitting the lemon, but I think people read M, T & K rated stories for the story, not a sex scene.
Chapter Nineteen
Edward
I turned a page of the book I was reading and glanced down at the text, realizing I hadn't taken in a word of the previous page, so it made no sense to me.
I sighed and dropped the book on the couch beside me. This was the time of day I hated; Bella was at work, and I was unable to be with her. I could handle it much better when she was out with her friends or at the gym, because she was safe there. It was when she was working, on the job that had almost ended her life once before, that I fretted.
In a perfect world, I would be able to work with her. In a less perfect but also calming world, I could keep an eye on her while she worked, but she had stamped out that idea the moment it came up. She would not allow me to watch over her by—what she had described as—stalking. She cited the fact her colleagues were all cops, too, and they'd notice me if I tried, and that would be 'all kinds of awkward'.
So here I was, forced to sit and spend my night alone while the rest of my family could be with the people they loved. All the while, I wished I could be with my Bella.
I leaned my head on the back of the couch and allowed my mind to drift.
In the weeks since Bella and I had declared ourselves again, I had lived a happier life than ever in my imaginings. It was different, though. I had to share Bella in a way I hadn't before. Though we had lost the restrictions of Bella living in Charlie's house, she had commitments that she didn't have before now, other friends that demanded her time. I had known there would be, but I hadn't anticipated how hard it would be.
The only one among us that understood how I felt was Esme, as she had to share her mate with the hospital.
Bella and I made the most of the time we had together, though. Hours were spent discovering each other physically and mentally. Sometimes, on the days Bella didn't have to work, we would share books, reading aloud to each other in turn. Thankfully, Bella had added more material to her bookshelves than the classics. She now appreciated mysteries, historical fiction, and thrillers.
We would run together, too, just picking a direction and running into the forest with her clinging to my back. She said she loved it as it was where I was most free, but she was wrong. Where I was most free was with her, doing whatever it was she chose to do. I could sit in silence for days just looking at her.
There was one tarnish on our new life together, and that was Jacob Black. It was now common knowledge among her friends and family back in Forks that we were together again, and he hadn't taken the news well. Her emails came back undelivered as he'd blocked her, and he ignored her phone calls. While it didn't bother me personally that he had removed himself from her life, it upset her and therefore me.
I felt a certain understanding toward him, though. Had I known she was in a relationship with a werewolf, I would have been out of my mind with fear for her safety. He would feel the same fear as me. The difference was that I wouldn't have abandoned her because of it. Bella, on the rare occasions she spoke of it, said it was easier for him to walk away now as he had found his lifemate, his imprint, in a woman called Melanie.
I hoped that, in time, he would recognize the error of his ways and come back to being Bella's friend, as she missed him. Jealous though I was of their former relationship, I wanted Bella to be happy and the wolf did that for her once. If he would stop being—as Bella said—a jerk, he could make her happy again, though not in the way he once had.
As the night passed into day, my family slowly returned to me. Esme and Carlisle were first, coming into the living room, a book of poetry in Carlisle's hand which he set down on the coffee table. They sat together on the loveseat, pressed close to one another. I smiled at them, able now to enjoy their togetherness as it was just a matter of time away from my being with my own love. Alice and Jasper came down soon after, Alice dancing down the stairs and Jasper following at a more sedate pace.
"Good book?" Jasper asked, nodding to the tome from Carlisle's library I had been attempting to read.
I shrugged. "I wouldn't know. It was a challenge to read."
He raised an eyebrow. I knew what he was thinking, what kind of vampire couldn't concentrate on a book. He wouldn't understand as he had never been without Alice for any length of time.
Alice trilled a laugh. "Poor, lovesick Edward."
"Really, Alice," I said. "You cannot find it in yourself to understand?"
"Oh, absolutely," she said. "It's just…it's so refreshing to see you like this. It's not like before, because you know she's coming back this time. It's your impatience that is endearing."
Esme smiled slightly as she thought, She's right. He is so different now. Relaxed. Free. My dear son. Aloud, she said, "When will she be here?"
I glanced at the clock on the mantle, though I knew the time having been counting minutes in my head for a while. "Soon. Sooner if she doesn't go home first."
"Hope she doesn't," Emmett said, stomping down the stairs. "It's so much cooler seeing her come as Officer Swan."
"The novelty still hasn't worn off for you?" Rosalie asked, gliding down behind him, stunning, graceful, bitter.
"Nope," Emmett said artlessly.
Rosalie's perfect mouth pressed into a thin line.
Rosalie was in a predicament at the moment. She now had no good excuse that she could share with Emmett for her dislike of Bella, as Bella had no wish to be a vampire and that had been Rosalie's largest problem before. Now, it was jealousy of Bella and her human life that she resented openly. The smaller, more petty truth was that she didn't understand the attraction Bella presented to me compared to her own charms.
There was another layer to it, too. By choosing to devote her love to a vampire, Bella negated her chance at motherhood. Rosalie much preferred for us to be together as it kept me with the family, completing it to her mind. But she didn't understand Bella's decision to forgo that aspect of life for me.
She didn't see that motherhood was not the be-all and end-all for every woman. Though I would be lying if I said I hadn't considered that, too. If Bella changed her mind and decided she wanted children, the thing I couldn't give her, I would find a place in her life with the other that she chose to create that life with.
It hadn't roused itself as an issue yet, though, so I lived in relative peace.
Emmett thumped down beside me on the couch, and Rosalie sat on the arm of the loveseat Carlisle and Esme occupied. Her intent was to punish Emmett for displeasing her, but Emmett seemed oblivious and content as he tapped his hand against his knee.
I glanced into his mind and then tried to communicate, through a glance, that this was not the time to pursue this topic. He missed my cue completely.
"Chess, Emmett?" I offered.
"Nah, maybe later," he said easily.
Trying hard to save him from marital conflict, and the rest of us an unpleasant atmosphere, I said, "A bout? It's been a while."
I had found the magic words. His face lit up, and he jumped to his feet. "Yeah! Jazz, you in?"
Jasper glanced at Alice and nodded. "Yeah. I'll take a shot at you."
"Behind the house, please," Esme said serenely. "I don't want the front chewed up."
Emmett saluted her and strode through the kitchen and out of the back door, Jasper and I following. He went to the middle of the meadow that was bordered by the forest and rolled his shoulders. "Who's up first for an ass-kicking?" he asked.
I laughed. It was very rare for Emmett to beat me in a fight, yet he always sounded so confident as he asked this question.
"I'll take first shot," Jasper said, glancing back at me. This is about more than you and I beating his ass, isn't it?
I nodded.
Tell me later?
"Yes," I murmured.
It was unlikely that I would need to tell him, though, as I was sure Emmett was going to bring up the subject again soon enough.
The truth of the situation was that he wanted to defer returning to college for a year. He was happy now we were together again, that Bella was back, and he wanted to enjoy it a little longer. They would need to have the conversation soon, though, as they were due to head back to college in a few weeks.
I would have expected Rosalie to be happy to stay in one way, to be a family as she had wanted to be for years, but Bella's presence was a sticking point.
Poor Rosalie had quite the decision to make, and she would not make it smoothly.
Emmett and Jasper stood at opposite ends of the meadow and dropped into crouches.
"Ready?" Emmett asked.
Jasper nodded once, and then they launched themselves at each other.
Bella
I could hear a sound like boulders colliding as I drove along the track that led to the house, and I knew some of my vampires were enjoying themselves. My guess was Emmett and Jasper, as they seemed the most predisposed to attempting to best one another wrestling, but as I drove out of the trees and into the meadow, I saw Edward jogging around the house looking distinctly ruffled. I was glad to see him enjoying himself with his family.
I laughed to myself as I pulled over in front of the house and cut the engine. Edward opened the door for me and scooped me out and into his arms. He nuzzled his face into my neck and kissed me, making me giggle as his cool lips chilled my skin and disrupted my breaths.
When he released me, I settled back on my feet and turned to greet Emmett and Jasper who came around the house.
Emmett grinned. "I am never going to get used to you in that uniform." Suddenly, his grin faded, and he turned back to the house and winced. I thought there had been some reaction to his words that I had missed. Rosalie, I guessed.
Not wanting to make it worse by reacting to what Emmett had said, I took Edward's hand and walked into the house.
Alice and Carlisle were in the living room, Alice sitting with her legs curled under her on the couch, and Carlisle seated on a loveseat. I could hear movement in the kitchen that I guessed was Esme.
"Hey," I said, waving at the room.
Alice grinned up at me, and Carlisle smiled understatedly.
"Hello, Bella. How was your day?" he asked.
"Good," I said, taking a seat beside Alice and smiling as she leaned her head on my shoulder.
"Catch many bad guys?" Emmett asked.
"No, it was quiet," I said. "I gave out a speeding ticket, but that was the extent of my excitement." I looked pointedly at Edward as he took a seat beside me. "Some people don't respect traffic laws."
He smiled, unabashed. "You're with the wrong people to complain about speeding," he said. "Besides, I've never had an accident."
"Every single person can say that," I said, "until their first accident."
Alice and I laughed at the stumped look on his face.
Emmett sat down in front of the empty hearth and looked up at me as Esme flitted into the room, a steaming mug in her hands. She handed it to me, and I inhaled the smell of good coffee. "Thank you, Esme."
She touched my cheek and smiled fondly. "You are very welcome."
I leaned back against the couch and looked at Emmett, who seemed excited about something. He was glancing from face to face, and I had to wonder what he had planned to look like this. I took a sip of my coffee to check he hadn't swapped the sugar for salt as a prank.
"Not a good idea, Em," Edward said quietly, so quietly I knew I wasn't supposed to hear it.
Emmett apparently decided not to listen. He cleared his throat and said, "We need to talk." My interest piqued, I turned my attention to him as he went on, "The new semester is coming up."
I nodded. "Yeah, I thought so. When do you have to leave?"
I had thought about this a couple times recently, how it would feel to lose half of the family I loved when they went back to college. I would still have Edward, Carlisle, and Esme, but it would be strange without the others. I had enjoyed the time with us all together again.
"That's the thing," Emmett said. "I don't think we should yet."
I frowned. "Why not?"
"Because we're together again," he said. "All of us, for the first time in years, are in the same place. I think we should enjoy that a while before we have to move on."
My breath caught in my throat. I hadn't thought of that, the limited time they would be here. They would have to leave eventually.
"We can wait till Bella's ready to do the college thing again," Emmett said. "Then all go together."
Jasper caught my eye and frowned, possibly in reaction to the stress I was feeling. Edward looked from him to me and his brow creased, too.
"I'm not doing college, Em," I said quietly.
"What?"
"I've done college. I'm a cop now."
"Of course you are, love," Edward said. "Don't worry. You won't have to give that up."
"Really?" a scathing voice asked from the foot of the stairs. I hadn't noticed Rosalie's arrival. "Then what is Edward supposed to do?"
I glanced at him. He looked serene, but I suspected his emotions were roiling under that façade. This conversation had just taken a serious turn.
"I will be fine, love, don't worry," he said.
"How?" Rosalie asked. "You can't stay here forever. People will notice you're not aging, unless you plan to give yourself to the night and stay away from everyone but Bella. Or you could do the long-distance thing. Exchange calls and emails from college while she gets on with her life."
The idea sent a pang of pain through me. I couldn't do that. I needed to be with him. I couldn't be happy if we were apart again, even if we stayed in contact.
I winced, and Jasper breathed Rosalie's name as a caution.
"We do not need to discuss these things now," Carlisle said, though he looked a little strained. "We have at least two more years here."
I shook my head. I thought now was exactly the right time to discuss these things, before one of us made a decision that would ruin it all for us both.
"We can travel," I said. "When it's time for you all to move on, we can see some of the world. I had always planned to. That's what I've been saving for. And then, when we come back, I can transfer to another PD."
Edward nodded eagerly. "That's a wonderful idea, love. I will enjoy showing you the world."
Rosalie scoffed. "Yeah, that'll work."
"What do you suggest, Rosalie?" Edward asked cuttingly. "You know Bella doesn't want the change, you don't want her to have the change, so how would you do this?"
Rosalie crossed her arms over her chest. "She's going to have to disappear, too. She can have her two years, and then she'll have to go with us. She can be your girlfriend until that's too doubtful, then Carlisle's or Esme's sister, and then…"
"Their mother?" I asked, my horror in my tone.
Why had I not thought of this? I didn't care about aging the way I had once, but the truth of the situation settled over me now. There would come a time when I would be too old to be openly with Edward. I would have to play a part, a sister, a mother, and then what? When I was too old for that and my lover was still timeless, what would I do?
"Carlisle is right, we don't have to talk about this now," Edward said. "It's not time."
But it would be, eventually. Sooner or later, we needed to have this conversation. I was overwhelmed and confused, and suddenly the vast room was too small for me. I needed air.
"Bella," Jasper said gently.
I shook my head. "I need to go home. I need to eat." My excuse wasn't fooling anyone, not that I had believed it would. I did need to get out of there, though. I needed to be able to breathe.
"I'll come with you," Edward said.
"No," I said quickly, then amended gently, "I'll meet you there later. I should probably sleep some when I've eaten. Come by this evening, yeah?"
Edward looked sad, but he nodded. "As you wish."
I got to my feet and said a vague farewell to the others then made for the door.
I was so preoccupied that I didn't notice the person following me. It was only when I opened the car door and a hand settled over mine that I realized I wasn't alone. I started and turned to see Carlisle's apologetic face.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly.
"It's fine," I said. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I needed him to go so I could escape.
"I just wanted to say, don't worry. It will work out," he promised.
"I know," I lied.
He touched my cheek. "Try to be calm."
"Absolutely. No problem."
I climbed into the car and turned the key in the ignition. The engine came to life, and I drove in a wide circle and onto the track that led to the road, taking my panic with me.
When I got home and closed my front door behind me, I felt a wave of relief. I could breathe now. I toed off my boots, hung up my gun, and went straight to my bedroom. Stripping off my clothes, I tried to block out thoughts of the conversation that had made me flee, but I wasn't successful. I dressed in clean sweats and a vest top and then sank down on the edge of my bed.
My hands came up to my hair, and I groaned. I didn't know what to do. Carlisle was wrong. I couldn't save these thoughts for years into the future. I couldn't save them for a week. I needed to know what to do now, or I was going to lose my mind. I had to know my future.
In the cabinet beside my bed, there was a sheet of paper that I added to from time to time. It was all the things I wanted to do in my life. Some of the things were simple, such as spending a summer in Florida with Renee or running a marathon. Some were a little more difficult, such as doing a skydive or visiting South America. Others were long term goals, such as making detective and working in a big city.
There were many more, and I had wanted to do them all over the course of my human lifetime. Some would be impossible as a vampire, others more complicated, but none of them would be human experiences if I was changed.
But what was the alternative? Edward living in secret, unable to be free to roam in the day? Or me living like a vampire with a heartbeat, and then, one day, leaving Edward behind forever when death took me?
The idea of living in a world in which Edward did not was unbearable, and I had no reason to believe he would feel any different about me. But I wanted these things. Did that make me selfish? Was I trying to have my cake and eat it, too?
To have forever with Edward meant giving it all up, my hopes and dreams, my family and friends, everything I loved but him and the other Cullens. I loved them, but I didn't want to give up the rest of the people that I loved.
What was I supposed to do?
I couldn't decide alone. I needed to talk to someone that would be able to help me. Someone that loved me and Edward and that would be able to share wisdom borne of centuries.
I needed Carlisle.
I got to my feet and made for the stairs. I took the top step too fast, and I knew in that sick way you do before something terrible happened that I was headed towards disaster as my foot skidded off the next step.
I grabbed for the rail and missed as I toppled forward. I bumped one step and thought I was going to be spared maybe no more than a concussion and broken leg, but fate hated me. I pitched forward, and the wooden floor at the bottom of the stairs was suddenly rushing up at me.
I heard a snap, and searing pain shot through me in the moment before my head collided with the floor and I saw only black.
So… That conversation went well. I had to be faced, though. Unfortunately, a trip down the stairs is going to complicate things even further.
Until next time…
Simaril xxx
