Thank you so much IamTheAlleyCat for beta'ing and Ncsupnatfan for pre-reading.
I started posting a collab Marvel project with Snarkymuch on my Clowns or Midgets account yesterday. If you like Irondad and are intesterested in trying it, my account is under my favourite authors list. It's called The Difference A Day Makes. I'd love to hear what you think.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Edward
Though I had seen, following through Alice's thoughts, that Bella had pulled out of her hunt and was calm again, I still wanted to be there. So as soon as I felt the hold on me release, I started toward her, but Jasper caught my arm.
"What?" I asked.
"Let Alice handle this," he replied.
I frowned at him. "I can help her, though."
"You can, absolutely, but so can Alice. Bella has gone through something huge, being changed. She's going to need support from all of us, so you have to let us do our part. It's not just the two of you anymore; it's about all of us."
Like a coward, I didn't want to think of these things, but I knew what he was saying was right. Bella was going to have to make a huge adjustment, and she'd need us all for that. But she was my mate, and I wanted to be there for her now.
"Jazz is right," Emmett said. "Bella's not going to be like I was. You say she pulled out of her hunt, awesome, but there are other adjustments to make."
Emmett's newborn days had been particularly violent. His newborn strength coupled with his own innate sheer power meant that there were many slips and accidents. But he adjusted emotionally very quickly to his losses.
His greatest worry was that he was going to leave his large family down one provider. We had assuaged that by providing a large sum of money for him to leave for them. Knowing they were taken care of, he had thrown himself into his new life and love.
It would surely be different for Bella. She was very close to her parents, Charlie in particular. She'd had a wealth of friends, too, who could never know what really happened to her. Even those that were in the know, her brother and sister included, would not be a part of her life anymore.
Bella, who felt everything so completely, would need us all to come to terms with that.
I kicked at the ground to vent my frustration, creating a deep divot. I stamped the dirt back down over it and sighed.
"Here they come," Jasper said, sounding satisfied.
I turned my attention to my gift and heard Alice's familiar mind coming towards us. She was calm, though a little concerned for the woman that ran at her side.
When they came into view, my eyes found Bella at once. She looked strained, but as her eyes settled on me, she smiled.
I felt my own concern morph to relief, and I returned her smile. I felt better having her close to me again, complete. I had come too close to losing her recently to relax when we were parted, which would complicate Jasper's assertions that she would need everyone to get through what had happened. How was I to let others help her when I wanted to be everything to her?
I held open my arms, and she stepped into them, leaning her head on my chest and drawing a deep breath. I did the same, registering the difference. She still smelled like my Bella, freesia, home, but there was no burn to ignite my throat. At last, I would not have to guard all aspects of myself when with her.
"So… Bella," Emmett said laconically, "Edward said you didn't eat our visitors."
Bella narrowed her eyes at him. "I knew them."
Emmett looked solemn. "Wouldn't have stopped me on my first day. Probably not even in my first year."
Bella looked uncomfortable, and I intervened. "What he's trying to say is that you were magnificent, love. Your control surpasses almost all of us. Even Carlisle would have struggled with that so young."
"I don't feel very controlled," she admitted. "Not the way I am used to, anyway. Usually, I am in command of myself at all times. It's one of the things they teach in the academy. We have to be the calm ones in a crisis, the ones people come to for protection and help. I almost killed the Chief and Frank today because they smelled good."
"You're making too little of it," Jasper said. "There's a reason we call new vampires newborns. Everything is brand new and overwhelming. The thirst is the most intense thing you will ever feel in life. The fact you are talking rationally now, not to mention what you did with the wolves, is incredible."
Bella cast her eyes downward. I guessed she was thinking about the wolves, a suspicion enhanced by Jasper registering the guilt she was feeling.
I smoothed a hand down her back, and she leaned into my touch.
"You did what you had to do, Bella," Jasper said. "You saved us and them pain and possibly losses."
"I know," she sighed. "It still feels wrong, though. They were my friends, my family, and I threatened everyone they love."
Which was awesome! Emmett thought.
I caught his eye and shook my head, cutting him off before he vocalized it.
Carlisle's thoughts reached me then, and I said, "Our visitors have gone."
Alice pushed away from the tree she was leaning on and said, "Let's get back, then. I don't see anyone else coming today, and we all need to talk."
Bella's hand slipped into mine, and we led the way back to the house.
Carlisle and Esme were waiting for us just on the edges of the forest. When we reached them, Carlisle relaxed and opened his arms. Bella released me and rushed toward him and into his embrace.
He smoothed her hair and smiled.
As she pulled back, he held her shoulders and stared into her eyes. "Are you okay?"
"Honestly, I don't know," she answered.
He nodded and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Let's see if we can help that, then."
Bella
Rosalie's gaze followed me from her spot on the armchair as we walked into the living room.
Carlisle sat down on the couch and looked up expectantly at me. I hesitated a moment before sitting beside him. I was equally as comfortable on the couch as I would have been standing or, I suspected, on a bed of nails. Simple discomfort was something I had left behind with my heartbeat, along with tiredness.
I had been through so much in the hours since my waking, and had I still been human, I would have been exhausted, but my body felt perfectly rested. Though my mind wasn't so at peace. I felt I could use a month to sort through my thoughts and feelings, and perhaps only then I would be able to make sense of them.
Rosalie's eyes didn't leave me, and for the first time, I paid proper attention to her. She was looking strangely sympathetic. I had no desire to untangle the reasoning behind that; I was too preoccupied with my own feelings to take on hers. I'd deal with it later. I had a feeling there would be no choice. Rosalie wasn't the sort to stay quiet when something was affecting her.
When the others were all settled in seats, Edward beside me with an arm around my shoulders, Carlisle began, "We have all been through a harrowing few days, and I think it will help us to talk about it. Bella, would you mind very much telling us what happened to you?"
I did not want to talk about it, how a stupid human trip had essentially ended my life. I didn't want to think about how I would still be living the life I had loved had I taken a little more care, walked just a little slower, paid attention, dammit, to what I was doing. Bitterness rose in me.
"Maybe later, Carlisle," Jasper said.
I glanced at him, confused, and then I felt myself calming. I was taking a deep breath and feeling my locked muscles relaxing. It was not my reaction; it was Jasper's influence. He was feeling what I was feeling and changing it without my wishes.
I glanced to the side at Edward and saw that he was looking strained, which meant he was also privy to what I was feeling through the medium of Jasper's thoughts. It pissed me off. I didn't want this. How I felt was for me to deal with, not for Jasper to influence or Edward to stress about.
I concentrated on pushing away the calm feeling the way I had when I was in the forest. It was harder now, as I had been strengthened then by my hunger and instincts, but I slowly felt the influence leave me.
Jasper sucked in a breath, his eyes fixed on me. "How did you do that?"
"Do what?" Alice asked, looking from Jasper to me.
"She's blocking me. I can barely feel her at all now."
"Bella?" Carlisle asked.
"I don't want to be monitored," I said stiffly. "And I don't want to be controlled."
"I didn't mean to offend you," Jasper said. "I just wanted to help."
"I know," I sighed. "It's just… I should be able to feel what I feel alone." I glanced automatically at Edward.
"And you don't want Edward to worry?" he guessed.
I bit down my annoyance. "No. I don't."
Carlisle leaned forward slightly. "This is incredible, Bella. You shouldn't have this much control so young. You shouldn't be able to sit and talk calmly to us, let alone control your shield like this."
"Shield?" I asked.
"What you did to the wolves, love," Edward said. "You held them back. It's a gift."
Huh. I was gifted. I hadn't thought of it like that.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little pleased with the idea I had an additional ability along with my new vampire ones. It was a pretty cool one, too. I could block Jasper, which was great as it meant I could feel freely and in peace. The physical side of it didn't interest me that much, apart from the fact it had enabled me to protect my family.
If another attack came, I could protect them again. Not that I expected attacks now. The wolves would never come back, I was sure, and there was no other reason for people to attempt to hurt us.
"Well, that's cool," I said.
Alice trilled a laugh. "Yeah. It's definitely cool."
"It's more than cool," Carlisle said. "As I said, it's incredible that you can sit and talk, as well as control your shield. You're going to be magnificent. It truly is like you were born to be a vampire."
Rosalie huffed out a mirthless laugh, and I turned to her, wondering what was bothering her now.
"That's crap, and we all know it," she said. "She's a vampire because of an accident—a stupid, human fall—and the fact my brother would rather doom her to this life than live without her. That's not fate. That's selfishness and stupidity. And when you're all done telling her how wonderful she is, when she has a chance to really see how hard this life is, she will hate you for it."
There was absolute silence in the room. No one even breathed. She wasn't wrong; I was human because of stupidity. But hate… I could never hate Edward. I loved him.
I looked to him, wanting to reassure, but his face gave me pause and made me suck in a harsh breath. He looked agonized. His eyes were fixed on a point on the wall, avoiding my eye, and his features were twisted with pain.
"Edward," I said gently.
He seemed to steel himself before he forced himself to look at me. I had never seen him like this. Even when I had woken in the hospital, after being so nearly killed by James, and he was apologizing for his part in it, he hadn't looked like this.
He didn't speak, but his eyes, his burning eyes, spoke for him.
"I don't hate you," I said.
"Of course you don't," Rosalie said. "Not yet anyway. You don't have the first clue of what this means. You have lost everything. You think facing off with the wolves earlier was bad. Wait until you realize you can't ever see your parents again, can't even call them, because you're dead. Then you will know what it feels like to hate."
"Rose," Emmett said sadly.
"No!" she snapped. "I will have my say this time."
"I think we've all heard enough from you," I said sharply.
My anger was rising, and I understood what they meant about control. I could feel it slipping away. I wanted to attack, to hurt Rosalie the way she was hurting people I cared about—because it wasn't just Edward. Emmett and Carlisle both looked stricken, too. As they should. Her words, though intended for me, were cruel to other people in the room. Carlisle had changed Rosalie, saving her life, and she was implying now that she hated him. I was sure that wasn't true. She may detest me, but Rosalie loved her family and mate more than anything.
"Do you hate Carlisle, Rosalie?" Jasper asked, his tone neutral.
I understood his intent at once, and I hid a smile. She could hide nothing she felt from him, and so would not be able to lie to illustrate her point against me.
She didn't try to lie though. She looked stricken as her eyes moved to her patriarch. "No! Of course not."
"Then why do you believe it will be different for Bella and Edward?" he asked.
"Because he knew. He knew she didn't want to be a vampire, and he went ahead and bit her anyway. He disregarded everything she wanted for herself and made her what he wanted."
I glanced back at Edward and saw he was agonized still. I took a calming breath and said, "Rosalie, do you know why I didn't want to be a vampire?"
Her lips pressed into a thin line, and she remained silent. I took it to mean she didn't.
"I loved being a cop," I said. "I wanted to make detective and work in a big city. I wanted to run a marathon. I wanted to skydive. I wanted to travel. I wanted to spend time with my family and friends. I wanted to see them grow and change, and I wanted to do the same."
"Exactly!" she sneered. "Can you do that now?"
"I can do some of it. That's not the point, though. The point is that I could not have done a single one of those things were I not alive in some form. Sure, I'm never going to make detective now, but I can travel. I won't see people I love grow and change, but that doesn't mean they won't. If I had died, I would have lost everything. I would have lost Edward. That was what I realized, and that was why I was coming back when I fell. I'd changed my mind. I wanted a failsafe. If something happened to me and there was a chance I could be saved as a vampire, I wanted it. I did not want to die. My life is different now. I have to make new dreams for myself, things that I can do as a vampire." I picked up Edward's hand and squeezed it. "Things we can do together."
Edward nodded and smiled at me, but his eyes still hadn't entirely lost their pain. I understood. I hadn't entirely lost my pain either with the lie.
Rosalie looked on the verge of speaking again, and I decided we had all heard enough from her. "I gather the cover story is me drowning?"
"Yes," Carlisle said. "Jasper and Emmett arranged it for us. They thought it was the best explanation for the lack of a body."
"Thank you," I said sincerely, looking from Jasper to Emmett. "I appreciate you giving them all closure."
Jasper nodded and Emmett said, "No problem," lightly, though he still looked a little sad after Rosalie's outburst.
"We need to discuss what happens next," Carlisle said. "Bella, it's largely up to you. We can keep you hidden here if you want to stay, but perhaps it would be better, easier for you, if you were to leave town."
"I should leave," I said. I couldn't stay so close to so many people I cared about while knowing I could never see them again. Soon, Charlie would be in town, maybe Renee, too, and I couldn't bear to know they were close and not be able to see them.
"We have homes all over the north," Esme said. "You can use any of them you choose."
I looked at Edward. "What do you think?"
He considered for a moment, and then nodded in what I suspected was response to someone's thoughts. "Alaska. There is freedom there we don't have anywhere else, and we will have Tanya's coven close, too. Does that sound okay, Bella?" he asked.
I nodded. "Sounds fine."
It didn't matter where I was, really. As long as Edward was with me, I would be okay finding my way in this new world. I just had to make peace with the loss of my old one first.
So… Bella's pants are on fire. She needed to lie for Edward, but she's not going to just snap her fingers and be fine with what's happened.
Until next time…
Simaril xxx
