Chapter Five
The Misadventures of Craig and Tweek (and Kenny)
The second day of working with Tweek is coming to a close and overall the day went rather well. Working at the coffee shop is starting to seem a lot better than I originally thought it'd be. Weed did wonders for Tweek. He's obviously much more calm and happy. He doesn't look on the verge of passing out either, so I assume he's been sleeping better. Tweek always did have problems sleeping; I'm guessing that's one thing that never changed about him.
The shop officially closed ten minutes ago so now we're in the process of closing shop. Closing shop pretty much consists of turning off coffee machines and cleaning. It's not the most exciting thing in the world but it's not bad either.
The music is turned up and I'm distracted by two things. One being Tweek and how anal attentive he is with cleaning and the second being how fucking weird his music is. Haunting lyrics of going straight to hell wafts through the air around us and yeah, it's really fucking distracting. And creepy. Really creepy. But also kind of catchy…
Tweek is in the middle of explaining the importance of wiping off the seats (something about hemorrhoids or maybe not hemorrhoids but something else, I really don't know) when the front door swings open.
Tweek stops talking with a wrangled scream, but I take the situation much more calmly by simply glancing at the door; which is, in fact, a normal person's reaction to someone walking inside a building. It's also only Kenny walking in with all his usual swagger and that stupid old ratty gray backpack of his.
I hate Kenny.
Okay, hate might be a strong word but hate is also pretty close to what it came down to. He's one nosy fucker and he's honestly sketchy as fuck. Who runs their shady ass drug business out of the same backpack they use for school?
When I want to kick back and get stoned he's okay, but that would be just about it and I have plenty of people to go to first when it came to getting stoned. Like Token… and Clyde. Yeah, Token and Clyde. Needless to say, I usually go out of my way to avoid Kenny.
And don't even get me started on how goddamn touchy he is. Last summer at one crazy party we were both blackout drunk and hooked up once. Just once. Ever since Kenny is always trying to use me as a booty call and it drives me fucking insane. Just no. I'm not your goddamn fucking booty call you asshole. Go fuck some other poor innocent soul.
The smug dickwad smiles widely at us and enters the shop like he owns the place. It's pissing me off… He just locks the door behind him then drops his stupid backpack on one of the tables we had just fucking cleaned.
"Lookie here, it's my two favoritist people in the world. All in the same room!" Kenny exclaims with way too much enthusiasm. I glance over at Tweek and interestingly enough his eyes are wide and he looks like he's almost in awe. For this asshole? What the fuck.
"What do you want McCormick?" I snap irritated. Why does Tweek look at him like that? It's almost like Tweek thinks he's seeing god or something. What the actual fuck?
Kenny lowers his hood, revealing his way to perfect face. "Hey now mister," Don't call me mister you dickwad, "that's no way to talk to the lovable ol' guy who got you a job, is it?" Kenny glanced over at Tweek and winks. The action causes the twitchy blonde to squeak slightly and blush. I shouldn't feel as angry as I do over that but I do, feel angry – that is.
"W-Why are you here Kenny?" Tweek asks as he walks away from the counter and towards said jackass. Tweek eyes Kenny's backpack with a look of total disdain, probably agonizing over the dirt being subjected onto the recently cleaned surface or whatever. Tweek is that anal when it comes to cleaning. I swear to god he wasn't this bad when we were kids.
"C'mon, don't you miss me?" Kenny croons annoyingly. Seriously he needs to shut up and leave now. Ugh. My relative good mood is currently being kidnaped, manhandled and then strangled before being rudely shoved into a toilet where it is promptly drowned and flushed into the oblivion called hell.
"No," I state bluntly and boldly. No point hiding the truth after all. I don't bullshit, especially when it comes to Kenny McCormick.
Of course, Kenny just ignores me and continues on his own merry fucking way. "Well, you better love me because I brought you your favorite strain." I was going to continue harass Kenny to leave but pause to think about what he just claimed. I may have a problem with turning down weed. Weed is great. Free weed is even better. How can you turn away something so amazing?
"Critical Kush?" Tweek practically squeals all of the sudden. He seems instantly eager and brightened up in a puppy-like manner that reminds me of Clyde. The sudden character change is kind of startling. It would seem Tweek takes his weed just about as serious as I do.
Which is still so weird…
I'm getting ready to sass douchebag McCormick but then instead I think over what Tweek just said. Did he say Critical Kush?
Wait, shit. We have the same favorite strain? Fuck. Of course we do. Of fucking course we do. What a fucking coincidence. What the actual fuck.
"Ding, ding, ding!" Kenny unzips his backpack and instantly the strong aroma of marijuana floods my senses. Tweek screams as Kenny pulls a quart sized zip lock bag out of his backpack and so boldly presents the large quantity of drugs to us.
"Kenny!" Tweek screeches, sounding absolutely horrified. "People will see!" I bite my lip to hold back a burst of laughter as Tweek dives at Kenny. Tweek promptly grabs Kenny's arm and shoves it back into the ratty old gray backpack, properly obscuring the greens from public view. Kenny laughs and tries reassuring Tweek that it'll be fine.
"What w-would I tell my p-parents if their store gets shut down because of drugs? Oh, Jesus! That cannot happen!" Tweek steps away from Kenny and his hands wrestle their way into his hair. The action reminds me of the cold air that brushes against my own scalp.
The biggest drawback of this job so far has been the lack of familiar blue hat that is supposed to occupy my head and keep me feeling toasty freaking fresh. I honestly feel naked without it.
Kenny gives Tweek a pointed look that makes Tweek grimace slightly and remain silent. I wonder what that's all about. Kenny laughs at Tweek who just crosses his arms. "Exactly!" Kenny exclaims as Tweek just huffs in exasperation.
Well. Somehow I missed that silent conversation. Thanks assholes for including me.
"Well let me drug proof the room then." Tweek mutters, sounding like a stubborn child.
"I can't believe this is an actual thing." I don't mean to say the words out loud and I don't even realize I do until Tweek looks over his shoulder and gives me a perplexed look. Tweek looks like he's afraid I'm going to disapprove of him or something. In fact, he looks like a kicked puppy.
Shit. I thought Clyde was a shitty little dog, but Tweek trumps Clyde's any day. Holy shit. If only I could show this to Token, he'd flip.
Tweek slowly turns around and starts busying himself by closing the blinds followed by unlocking and relocking the door a pointless several times.
"What thing Craigy-poo?" I shoot Kenny a sharp glare and without much thought I'm flipping him off. How could I not hate Kenny when he called me shit like Craigy-poo? Kenny pays no mind to me flipping him off and stares at me patiently, waiting for my answer.
"I can't believe Tweek Freaking Tweak actually smokes weed." I admit with a halfhearted shrug. I mean c'mon. It is pretty mind blowing. Even Token agreed with me which means it has to be like fact or whatever.
"You mean you guys didn't get high at all today?" Kenny looks over at Tweek who gives a sheepish smile and shrug.
"W-We did." Hell yeah we did.
"And you still can't get over it?" I flip Kenny off. " Holy shit that's sad." I fought back the urge to snap obscenities at him but really? That's way too much effort that Kenny really is not worth any real effort. Tweek is glaring at Kenny with narrowed eyes and I scowl as Kenny laughs, reaches out and ruffles the crazed blonde hair belonging to Tweek.
"Well, let dear ol' Kenny take care of you two." Kenny pauses and winks at Tweek. "It's time to get blazed my friends." Tweek smiles brilliantly as Kenny pulls the bag of weed back out of his backpack. "Craig, my friend, you will soon understand why I was so sad to leave this blessed little job."
My grasp on time has never been more distorted. I know it's only been about maybe an hour, but it feels like days have passed since the three of us congregated to the break room to get blissfully high. The room is hazy and the music is blasting so loud that the coffee table is actually rattling.
At this point, I only know two things for sure.
One: We're all as high as a fucking kite. I'm talking soaring in the fucking sky, high above the clouds and dancing with fucking angels or some shit. We're hiiiiiigh (as Clyde would say while slowly nodding like some hippy or whatever).
Two: Kenny cannot fucking rap.
If Kenny trying to rap wasn't so goddamn funny I'd probably punch him just to get him to shut up. Unfortunately, there's no Kenny beat up session here because for once in his life Kenny has managed to actually be funny.
Tweek is giggling helplessly as Kenny very enthusiastically raps along to Snoop Dog. I'm not actually laughing, but I can't wipe the stupid ass smile off my face. It's all so pointlessly funny because Kenny obviously doesn't even know the majority of the words and, therefore, choses to replace each word with either a colorful arrange of curse words or phrases that narrates what's currently going on.
It probably wouldn't be nearly as funny as it is if we weren't all so high.
"Tweek is giggling like a school girl, school girl. I've got the fucking munchies, munchies. Craig is still an asshole, asshole." Tweek is no longer giggling but fucking roaring with laughter.
Watching Tweek laugh is strange. I hardly caredto be angry at Kenny for calling me an asshole because I'm that fucking distracted by my co-worker.
Tweek's eyes are scrunched up and the green is glistening with unshed tears. His hands are raised to cover his mouth, the band aid covered fingers trembling. His entire body is shaking ever so slightly up and down with the action of laughing so hard. Tweek's eyebrows furrow together and even the way his hair shakes and lights up under the harsh glare of the light bulb is distracting. Then there's just the sound of him laughing. It's uncontrolled, wild and so free. It's honestly just fascinating.
I can't tear my eyes away from him and it's seriously annoying as fuck.
Not to mention the fact that Tweek's laughter is infectious. It makes me want to laugh.
Kenny just continues to 'rap'. He switches to his favorite curse words and vulgar language about fucking our old dead elementary teacher or something. Tweek just continues to laugh harder and Kenny glances at me. Kenny's attention reminds me that it's my turn to hit the pipe and so I do just that. Kenny says something that suddenly makes Tweek scream in surprise before laughing even harder.
Tweek is rocking back and forth in his seat, trying his hardest to contain his laughter. I can't hold it back anymore and a burst of laughter escapes me. Unfortunately, I was mid hit and I'm instead sent into a fit of coughing. Between my choking, which just reminds me of seeing Tweek again for the first time yesterday, and Tweek's raucous laughter; Kenny finally gives in and stops rapping to start laughing.
Tears are practically streaming down Tweek's face now and he's gasping for breath.
And then there is silence.
Pure utter silence. With the abrupt absence of music, the three of us fall silent besides me as I wheeze in an attempt to breathe. Kenny stares over his shoulder at the sound system. Tweek's eyebrows are furrowed as he wipes at the tears that peppers their way down his face. He stops then glances up at Kenny and me. He pouts stubbornly, giving off that damn puppy look.
"S-Snoopy come back?" He whimpers.
Everything in the room freezes at that moment. Did Tweek really just say that?
As if with the realization of what he said, Tweek visibly pales and his eyes widen in panic. Kenny's head slowly turns until he's staring at Tweek in open surprise. I wouldn't be surprised if my own expression mirrors Kenny's.
"Snoopy?" Kenny chokes out with an obvious amount of effort. Tweek winces as simultaneously Kenny and I burst into laughter. We have to be laughing just about as hard as Tweek had been just moments ago. I MEAN THERE ARE TEARS COMING FROM MY EYES I'M LAUGHING SO HARD.
I can't breathe. I just can't get over what Tweek just said. It's just so god damn… cute. Holy shit. No Craig, not cute. Just funny. Just really fuuuunny. Tweek lets out a screech and his hands reach up to cover as much of his face as possible. Unfortunately, his splayed fingers don't cover as much as he probably hoped. Tweek is turning a whole new shade of red.
I mean really. It's pretty impressive.
"I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT!" He screams loudly. He shakes his head and I can't help but laugh harder. I can't even remember the last time I laughed this hard. I can barely remember the last time I've even really laughed. It's strange but not bad.
"OH MY GOD TWEEK THAT IS THE BEST THING I HAVE HEARD ALL DAY." Kenny roars, making him laugh that much harder. I take several deep breaths trying to calm down and regain my composure. Tweek glances at me between his fingers and looks visibly relieved by me toning down on the laughter.
Oh man. I don't want to stop making Tweek embarrassed. Not when it's that entertaining. Instead of simply trying to gain back my usual stoic attitude I decide to speak up.
"Oh Snoopy, come back!" I mock with a smirk. Tweek's eyes widen and his hands drop just as his jaw does. The red stain on his cheeks had been receding but now it returns with full force. Kenny practically screams with laughter, so loud it makes me wince but I can't help but laugh softly too at the look on Tweek's face.
"Oh n-no, I am not sitting here all night while you laugh over t-this!" Tweek exclaims angrily. Tweek shoots up but before he can turn and leave Kenny grabs his wrist. Tweek huffs in disdain as Kenny tries to calm down enough to speak.
"C'mon Tweeky, don't leave. I'm sure-" Kenny cuts off to laugh again. "I'm sure Snoopy will come back eventually." Tweek lets out a horrified cry and jerks his hand away from Kenny. I can't help but burst out laughing at the look on Tweek's face of sheer utter betrayal.
Tweek makes one of his usual guttural whines before he turns on his heel and storms out of the room. Kenny is still roaring with laughter and as I calm down I sit there and watch him, only partially amused. Eventually, Kenny stops laughing hysterically.
"Oh god, that was classic." Kenny croons. I roll my eyes and suddenly Kenny gets serious, way to serious. "So, what do you think of the job?"
I think I might actually like it. "It's fine." I say instead. Kenny gives me an annoying look that seems like he's trying to say 'I see through your lies Tucker'.
"That's good. You'll be good for Tweek." I don't get what that's supposed to mean but I seriously don't care enough to press the issue. "Tweek is seriously awesome. I don't understand why so many people don't like him."
"They don't know him." I point out without meaning to. I had intended to remain indifferently silent. I mentally scold myself, but Kenny just grins at me.
"You're right." Kenny pushes himself off the couch and moves to sit next to me. I groan, very unhappily, as he slings his arm over my shoulders. I cross my arms and glare at him. "Wanna go back to my place later?" Cue annoying ass wink.
"I'm not your fucking booty call McCormick."
"Your loss Fucker." Kenny winks and I flip him off. I jerk away from him so that his arm is no longer around me.
"Don't call me fucker you jackass."
"Oh did I say Fucker? I meant to say, Tucker." You seriously have no idea how many times I've heard that one.
Real claaaaaassy McCormick. Real classy.
"I'm leaving." I stand up, but Kenny just jumps up and follows me.
"You look better without your hat." He sounds painfully smug and full of himself. I curse under my breath and glare at Kenny who laughs maniacally as I turn around and make a b-line to the lockers so I can grab my trusty chullo.
Kenny waits for me to grab my hat before we exit the break room together. I shove the article onto my head and kick the door open with my foot. Behind the counter, Tweek is adding syrups to his thermos which I'm assuming is full of espresso shots and milk.
"Ah, of course, our little Twinkie would be making coffee." Kenny croons. He flocks to Tweek's side and puts his filthy hand on Tweek's cheek and pats it. Tweek rolls his eyes and swats his hand away as if it was just an annoying fly.
"Should you really be drinking coffee this late?" I ask out of genuine curiosity. I know Tweek has issues sleeping, but coffee at night probably doesn't help. Tweek glances over at me, surprised that I asked him such a question. Kenny on the other hand just laughs and slings one arm around Tweek's shoulder and the other around my own.
I send Kenny a glare to hopefully express how much I truly hate him, but he doesn't even bat a damn eyelash. "Oh Craig, that is truly hilarious." I pull Kenny's arm off me and put several feet of distance between us. Tweek just continues to stand there under Kenny's touch, staring at me with those wide green eyes.
"How the fuck is that hilarious. I'm being serious. Coffee before bed does not equal sleep. I know Tweek has obvious sleep issues."
"You see Craigy-poo, Tweek doesn't sleep. He's your classic inso-maniac." Okay, I'm pretty sure that's not the right word.
"It's i-insomniac dumb ass." Tweek abruptly spits out, while glaring at Kenny between narrowed eyes.
Tweek calling Kenny a dumb ass is completely unexpected and absolutely hilarious and perfect. Just abso-fucking-lutely perfect. I almost actually laugh over that one. In fact, a snort actually escapes me and Tweek turns his shining green eyes on me and they're wide with surprise.
"You're a dumbass, Kenny. But that sucks." I guess. Tweek seems satisfied with my last comment directed at him. Kenny doesn't get angry at me for calling him a dumbass or anything and instead he winks. Of course Kenny just winks.
Kenny's phone chimes and Tweek cries out in surprise. He slips away from Kenny and flocks to be closer to me as Kenny checks his phone. Once again, no surprise here, I'm distracted by Tweek as he watches Kenny curiously. He holds his thermos up to his lips as he blows on it slowly.
"Hey, there's a party at Grayson's!" Kenny says after he reads the text he received on his phone. That reminds me… Token and Clyde probably texted me by now.
"W-Wait? Isn't it T-Thursday? Jesus!" Tweek looks so confused over the idea of partying on a Thursday. It's honestly kind of cute. God damn it. Not cute. Funny. Tweek is just a funny fucking guy. Fuck. Get it together Craig.
"Oh my sweet innocent little Tweeker." Kenny croons. I watch in disgust as he reaches out and forces the fidgety blonde into a one-sided hug. "It doesn't matter what the day of the week is. There are always parties." And that right there is another sad truth. In a town with just about nothing to do, the local teenagers to turn to their only solace: getting plastered. Tweek looked doubtful. "Now it's time we get going! A party is never complete without Kenny McCormick, local drug dealer."
"Oh MAN! N-No way! No fucking w-way man! Jesus C-Christ no f-fucking way!" Tweek screams. He looks full on terrified at the idea of being forced to a party. Tweek dashes away from Kenny and surprisingly takes shelter behind me. I glance over my shoulder at him and he glances up at me sheepishly.
"Oh Tweek come on, it'll be fun!" Kenny begs. I wince as he dramatically drops to one knee and shakes his hands that are clutched together into a fist. It quickly became obvious to him that that tactic isn't going to work so he shrugs it off and stands up.
"You're going, right Craig?" Kenny asks with a wink. I pull out my phone and glance at the screen as it lights up. Unsurprisingly there are several texts from both Token and Clyde declaring we were going to party it up tonight at Grayson's.
"Nope," I pop the 'p'. Kenny's jaw drops.
"What, no! You have to go. C'mon Tweek, remember how long it took to convince you to smoke weed?" Tweek steps away from me and stares at Kenny skeptically. The new knowledge that Kenny had convinced Tweek to smoke weed gets filed into the back of my head. "Then you finally tried it and loooooved it, right?"
Tweek nods. "Well believe me, buddy, you will absolutely love partying. Trust me!" Kenny steps closer to Tweek and I can tell that he's actually considering it.
"NO!" He finally shouts, his cheeks reddening slightly. So never mind… Tweek isn't considering it.
"Oh come on! I can hook you up! I can get you some free coke or ecstasy. Maybe some hydros or oxy. I can even get it all if your little heart really desires it." Kenny offers. Tweek's eyes practically bulge in shock.
"Jesus C-Christ! No way m-man. Augh! What if they're l-laced with f-fucking poison? I don't w-want to die man!" I can't help but chuckle at Tweek's worries. I liked this side of Tweek. This was what Tweek is supposed to be like. I've actually missed this Tweek.
"Oh god Tweek don't worry they're not laced with anything."
"I'm not going, Kenny."
"I can get you laid! Be it boy or girl, whatever your virgin ass desires." Tweek turns very, very, red. "Trust me I know a lot of guys who are totally into blonde twinks." OH god. If I had been eating or drinking anything, I probably would have just spit it out.
"I don't want to have s-sex with some guy!" Okay no, this is too awkward. I think it's about time to leave now. I pull out my phone and quickly text Token back.
Craig: Party at Graysons? Sounds good i'm ready to get drunk.
And that right there is the solid truth. After dealing with Kenny, my buzz is going down and I'm ready to get my crunk on (another thing Clyde's diminishing intelligence says a lot).
"What, a girl, really? You sure Tweek? I was always so sure you're gay." Were they seriously going to have this conversation right this second in front of me?
"Stop t-trying to guess my sexuality!" Holy shit.
"So you are gay? You know Tweekie with a few drinks I could always be your first." Kenny winks and secretly I'm ready to punch him. "I'm sure even Craig would be more than willing!"
Oh SHIT WHAT. DID I JUST GET DRAGGED INTO THIS? OH HELL NO.
I drop my phone and Tweek swings around to stare at me. He looks absolutely mortified by this entire situation, but then again so am I sooo. I avoid his green gaze and drop down to the ground to pick my phone back up. Token had already texted me back. Meanwhile Tweek is screaming at Kenny in frustration.
Token: Awesome man. Meet me at my house soon. You still at work?
"I don't w-want to have s-sex with anybody!"
I stand there whilst being too awkward to just leave. They continue to argue for a total of thirty-seconds before Tweek finally gives in. "How about t-this, I'll go some o-other time!" Tweek looks like he regrets the words as soon as they've left his mouth.
"Oh, Tweek I fucking love you so much right now." Kenny is wearing a terrifying shit-eating grin. I'm glad I'm not Tweek… "Okay in two weeks on Friday there's going to be a rager at the Trap house in North Park. I'm picking you up at like nine."
I know exactly what party Kenny is talking about and thank god I've already been planning on going. I do not trust Kenny to take care of Tweek at a party at the Trap house. That shit gets insane. Shit gets so insane I have a planned escape route for every single time I go to a party at said house.
"I change my m-mind!" Tweek squeals. He's shaking his head and holding his hands up as a shield all the while slowly walking backwards. There's not much space for him to escape, though, considering the counter is now pressing against his back.
"No can do Tweeky. You already promised. You gonna be there Craig?"
"Dawson's right?" Kenny nods. "Yeah I'll be there with Token and Clyde." And Tweek looks pretty damn distressed.
"Do I really have to go?" He whimpers.
"You bet your skinny ass you do. Now, boys, if you'll excuse me I have a party to attend to." With classic Kenny exuberance, the skinny teenager disappears into the break room to retrieve his stash before exiting through the back door in the span of thirty seconds. With Kenny's sudden disappearance, it leaves me and Tweek alone in silence.
He stares at me and I can't stand the weight of his gaze. I glance down at my vibrating phone to see that Clyde is spamming me to hurry and get to Token's. "Clyde's whining his ass off for me to go meet up with him. What time should I be here tomorrow?" I ask.
It's seriously really freaking weird that Tweek's parents are who knows where and he's left alone to run the shop. It sounds miserable.
"Um, whenever?"
"I'll do the same hours tomorrow that I did today then." I decide while knowing that if I'm hungover tomorrow there's no way I'm coming in early.
"O-Okay." We both stand there in silence for a moment.
"Well, I'm leaving. See ya." I turn and raise my hand in farewell as I exit through the back door.
As soon as I'm a block away from the shop I pull out my cellphone and call Clyde, knowing he's the perfect one to humor me. The annoying dipshit, of course, answers on the second ring with a high pitched, "Craaaaaaig."
"Dude I just smoked so much fucking weed with Tweek motherfucking Tweek Tweak."
