AN: Ahhh man I wanted to make this chapter a longer one like the last one but I've been so busy! Hopefully the next chapter will be longer!
Chapter Fifteen
Honestly
It's five in the morning.
I have yet to sleep. I'm on my eighth cup of coffee and even still I'm miserable. In a few hours it's my last first day of public school.
It's five in the morning and I'm just so tired.
The last several days of summer break have been both awful and pleasant at the same time. Honestly I've just wanted time alone but Craig has refused to leave my side. This is my first night alone in days and I can't even sleep.
It's such a waste…
Craig did a good job of keeping me busy and distracted. He seemed to know I don't feel… okay. He's been trying his hardest to make me happy. I'm grateful he seems to care so much but when I start feeling this I just wish I could be left alone to my own devices.
Ever since seeing her, my head has been static and as pathetic as it sounds; getting high has been my only solace. I can tell Craig is unhappy by the fact I've been pulling out my stash nearly every day but he doesn't say a word against me.
He just pats the bed next to him. He watches me cross the room and when I'm close enough he gently takes my hand and pulls me so that I'm pressed tightly to his side. He takes the items from my shaking hands. He slowly and carefully loads what I need, and then he indulges me.
If he hadn't been by my side these last few days I know exactly what would have happened.
My usual self destructive pattern that had been what I called normal would have been put on play and my grotesque arms would be embellished with several new ornaments.
But instead they're not. They're healing and disturbing but still left untouched.
The constant buzzing in my head does have its perks in some way. I've had no time or motivation to worry about school which is usually a major stressor of mine. And now I start school in three hours and I still don't even care.
It's been almost a week since I saw them but the image is still burned into my goddamn head. It's getting better but I just want it out.
I want it to go away so I can start to feel almost normal again. I was just starting to feel normal. Why did I have to see them? Why did I have to be reminded?
Why- Riiiing!
"F-Fuck." My eyes slowly drag over to stare at my screaming phone. The screen is lit up and a blurry picture of Craig greets my gaze. The time on my phone tells me it's almost eight. I had no idea. I thought it was still only five something? "Jesus…"
Slowly I reach out and with shaky hands pick up the phone. I stare at the blurry photograph but I can't work up the effort to answer the phone. Why does everything exhaust me so much? I swipe my thumb across the surface but I'm too late and the call has ended.
With a sigh I drop my phone and slide underneath my warm comforter. I mean, I don't have to go to school do I? It's not like you really do anything on the first day anyways.
It feels like seconds have passed by but there are loud footsteps in the hallway and merely a second later I hear my bedroom door swing open.
"Tweek," a soft caring voice speaks. I know that voice and I like that voice but I still can't seem to really care. I try to burrow myself even deeper into my fortress of blankets as a hand presses against my shoulder. "Tweekers, we have school. Come on, we gotta go."
"No w-we don't." The laughter that resonates through my room is kind of like a warm caress and it fills me with comfort even if it's such a simple little thing.
"I know you don't want to dude, neither do I, but we gotta. It's our last year. I'm pretty sure you can do it."
"I-I can't," I mutter stubbornly. I feel more aware than I have in days at this very moment and it's nice. My head isn't quite as foggy.
"Clyde misses you. He's in the car whining as we speak. Plus Mama Token will throw a fit if you refuse to go to school." There's a pause. "I'll miss you and throw a fit if you don't go. Come on, we can do it together."
The blankets are slowly being pulled off me and even though I want to throw a temper tantrum over it I don't. Stormy eyes stare at me with a sly grin and I'm overwhelmed with how good Craig looks this morning. He looks like he slept well last night. He's wearing one of his dorky galaxy shirts and a black jacket with his usual pom-pom hat.
He frowns slightly when he sees me. Rather than saying a word he just grabs my hand and helps sit me up.
"I asked Token to make you a giant thermos of that special coffee you like." Relief washes through me and I actually smile in relief. Token's rich people coffee is pretty magical I guess.
"R-Really?" Black hair bobs up and down as he nods. I study his face as he reaches out and fixes my hair with long fingers.
"Yes really. Now what do you feel like wearing today? Can I dress you up?" Craig looks oddly excited at the idea of dressing me up and I know I've really been worrying him these last few days so I nod.
"O-Okay but I get final s-say."
The teenager makes his way across my dirty bedroom and slides open my closet. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and wait patiently as he digs through articles of clothing. I don't really pick out my clothes. Most of it my mom bought me. A few of the really bad sweaters and stuff are from crazy relatives I forget that even exist.
I wear the same few things over and over again for a good reason.
Craig turns around with a gray knit sweater in one hand and a baggy green canvas jacket in the other. I'm glad he didn't pick out one of my embarrassing sweaters my mom gave me at one point or another. I've honestly kind of forgotten about this sweater. It's a couple of years old and was a present from Bebe. It's probably been hiding out in the very back of my closet.
The noirette crosses the room and dumps the clothing on me.
"Hurry up and get dressed before Token starts texting me death threats. Mother Dearest will throw a bitch fit if he's late on the first day of school." The comment makes me smile slightly and my boyfriend looks pleased as punch with his self.
I slowly stand up and peel off the pastel pink sweater I was wearing to bed. The pink sweater was another one of my mom's gifts. The gray sweater quickly replaces it and then I'm pulling on blue jeans and socks. By the time I have my jacket on Craig is waiting by my bedroom door while holding my green shoulder bag.
I stand in front of him patiently, waiting for him to move out of my way so we can leave but he doesn't budge. Instead he stares at me for several long seconds before carefully bending over slightly and pressing his lips against my own.
The soft caress of lips takes me by surprise but it fills me with a surge of pleasant emotions that I haven't felt in days. When he pulls away I'm kind of disappointed.
"You didn't sleep last night, did you?" I shake my head and he sighs softly as his mouth turns downwards into a pout. "Well you can make it through today, okay? I'll be right fucking here the whole time."
"O-Okay," I sigh. Craig reaches out and grabs my hand. He leads me through my house and to the front door where my boots are waiting to be worn. I worry my parents will see us, because I have yet to kind of explain to them that I'm dating a guy. Luckily they're nowhere to be seen and with much reluctance I'm exiting my house and climbing into the back seat of Token's car with Craig.
"Tweek! Hey! You excited for the first day of school? I'm excited man. I wanna know what classes I have! I bet we'll have a class together. I mean we had like two together last year but we weren't really friends last year which is sucky ya know, but we're friends now!"
I stare at Clyde blankly for a moment as I buckle up. Craig reaches over the front seat and slaps the brunette lightly on the back of the head.
"Don't be an ass Clyde."
"Good morning Tweek," Token pleasantly says over the noise of the other two bantering. I smile at Token through the rearview mirror.
I haven't seen Token or Clyde since Thursday when we went to the mall and I saw… Now it's Wednesday and almost a whole week later. It feels like it's been a quite a while since I've seen either of them but I guess it really hasn't been that long.
"-fuck you Craig! Either way we still have twenty minutes until school starts. That's enough time to get our schedules together you guys! I seriously bet senior year is gonna be awesome. We're top dog at the school you guys." Clyde says enthusiastically.
I notice the thermos Craig was talking about up in the front seat so I nudge Craig and point at it. He leans forward and grabs it then hands it to me. I let go of Craig's hand so I can take a drink of the delicious soothing liquid. It's just as magical as I remembered.
"You know Clyde if that's what you want to believe go ahead and believe that," Craig says.
"You can't slack off this year. We have college to keep in mind." Token points out. The comment makes the brunette scoff as he tugs on his red letterman.
"Whatever man, I've got it down. No need to worry homie, I've got this shit figured out." Craig glances at me and rolls his eyes and the action makes me smile slightly.
"Bullshit," Token bluntly calls. We've just arrived at the school and Token claims one of the nicer 'senior' parking spots. They're not actually parking spots dedicated to seniors but for some reason the front row of spots have an unspoken rule that they're for seniors.
"Don't be so rude to me Token, fuck man! I'm a sensitive guy you know. You could break my poor little sensitive heart. That would make you feel like shit."
"It really wouldn't though." Token turns off the car and everyone starts getting out of the car. I slide over to exit through Craig's door but before I can stand up the teenager is leaning over and inside the car. His face is so close to mine I can feel his breath on my cheek.
I want to worry that people might see but at the same time I can't find it in me to care. After all, how many of these teenagers saw us make out at that party last weekend? By now does everyone know? I want to panic at the idea but I really don't fucking care.
I really don't fucking care.
I like Craig. I don't want to be here. Craig wants to help me. Craig wants to hold my hand and hug me in public so why should I deny him?
Before my boyfriend can say anything I lean forward the few inches between us and press my lips against his. He's obviously taken by surprise but after a second he pushes back against me with an equal force.
It's hard to care about the world around us with how such a strange simple action makes me feel so powerful.
Unfortunately though, we're still at school so we have to separate so we can move on with our day. Those gray blue eyes meet my own with a small barely-there smile. "I was just gonna remind you that you can make it through today but that was pretty damn nice."
"G-Good, I'm glad you e-enjoyed it." Two black eyebrows rise skeptically. "I l-liked it too. N-Now come on, let's get this o-over with. You're coming h-home with me after school b-before we have to go work."
His smile makes me smile.
"Yes sir." Craig moves out of my way so I can get out of the car.
Several feet away Clyde and Token are impatiently waiting for us. Craig hands me my backpack which I sling over one shoulder and as he turns away to walk towards the other two I reach out and grab his hand.
He looks at me confused for a moment but I just nod at him and he shrugs and grips my hand back.
The four of us start to make our way into the school building and I can both see and feel all the stares that that are on us. If I hadn't felt like such a mess these last few days these stares would probably be freaking me the fuck out but instead I don't care. They'll get to use to seeing two guys hold hands. It'll be fine.
It's nice not caring.
We make our way into the gym where there's a large swarm of people in line to get their school schedules. Token leads us to the line for seniors and it doesn't take long to receive our schedules. We step to the side of the gym as we open the envelopes to scrutinize what we're stuck with for the year.
"What's everyone's homeroom you guys?!" Clyde eagerly asks as he rips everything open. He ends up ripping his schedule in half but he doesn't even care.
"R-Room B-12." I inform Clyde as I go over my classes several times. What I'm stuck with this year is nothing surprising. The normal homeroom, senior English, statistics, graphics art, chemistry, PE, and American history.
"Fuck yes, same." Craig eagerly adds. He's no longer holding my hand so that we could open our schedules so he lightly taps his shoulder against mine. I give him a small smile.
"B-12," Token confirms with a grin. Clyde lets out one of his usual dying cow noises.
"I have B-14!" He screams loudly. His voice attracts a pretty blonde. Blonde curls fly everywhere as the girl jogs across the gym even though she's wearing heeled wedges.
Bebe Stevans is grinning at us with her perfectly made up face. She's wearing a red dress with ¾ sleeves that looks cute and refined on her. I'm surprised when the girl goes straight to me as she pulls me into a brief hug.
"Tweek! I haven't seen you in forever. I love your sweater, it looks adorable on you. Didn't I buy you a sweater that looks kind of like that a few years ago?" I feel myself blush under gaze and I nervously glance at my boyfriend who's regarding us with curiosity.
"Ack! T-This is, uh, the s-sweater you bought me." Bebe looks a little surprised and embarrassed.
"Oh, awkward. I didn't think you'd still have it! It looks really good on you." She winks at me then finally turns back towards who I assume to still be her boyfriend. Clyde is pouting when she steps up to him but he gives in with a smile and hugs her.
"Bebe! You look fantastic." The brunette says with a wink.
"Thanks babe. Anyways I heard you from across the room that you have the same homeroom as me. Walk with me to class? I want to get there early so I can talk to the teacher." Clyde nods and gives in.
"I'll see ya suckers at lunch!" Clyde exclaims as his girlfriend whisks him off.
Craig and Token are frowning but despite me never being around those two together the action doesn't really surprise me.
"So those two aren't fighting anymore?" Craig asks confused.
Token groans and shakes his head. "Oh yeah, you've been hanging out with Tweek. Apparently Bebe got angry at Clyde because he accidentally stepped on her heels and scuffed them or something." He explains. Craig scoffs.
"Are you fucking kidding me? Bebe freaked out over that? Who the fuck cares if he fucked up her new shoes?" Bebe had already explained this story to me and I feel the need to defend my friend.
"S-She had just warned him to be c-careful of her new shoes b-because they were super expensive or something. And t-then immediately after he s-steps on them and s-scratched them." I add. Craig glances at me blankly for a moment then laughs.
"Well, of course he did. He can be such an idiot sometimes." Craig looks like he's about to keep talking but stops when a blonde in an old orange jacket walks up to us. He's staring straight at me and our eyes meet.
"Let's go?" Kenny asks, jerking his head towards the backdoors in the gym.
I had completely forgotten that I asked Kenny if he could bring joints for the first day of school. So far today isn't as bad as I expected but the aid will still be very helpful. I glance at Craig who looks a cross between confused and angry.
"I'm g-going out back to the s-spot with Kenny." I inform Craig. Token is staring at me blankly and I feel like he's disapproving me. I swallow thickly and turn to walk beside Kenny before they can get angry at me.
I know what I'm doing isn't good but I really need it. Craig understands, right?
"You feeling better buddy?" Kenny asks as we reach the backdoors. A group of freshman boys easily move out of our way as we exit.
"A l-little," I inform Kenny because he just always knows.
"Well these will help. This new strand is really fucking dank. You'll like it." We make it to the usual smoker spot by the dumpsters where all the goths hang out. For a short period of time I actually befriended the goths because they thought I could be one of them.
It didn't take long for them to realize I would forever be a 'conformist' but they still treat me decently I guess. Then of course Kenny gets along great with them because Kenny gets along fantastically with everyone.
The blonde takes a seat on the blanket that the goths are occupying. Henrietta is staring at Kenny with narrowed eyes as she takes a large inhale of smoke. After she exhales she speaks.
"Kenneth McCormick, it's been a while since you've bothered us." She pops her black lips together and rolls her eyes.
"I brought Firkle a ten sack last week." Kenny points out. He pats the spot next to him on the blanket and hesitantly I sit down beside him.
"Is this true?" Michael asks the youngest goth. I watch as he flips his hair out of his face and takes a drag off his cigarette.
"Yeah, Ike came over." The black clad youngster shrugs. He's still a middle schooler and is in the same grade as Ruby, Karen, and Ike but it doesn't surprise me to see him hanging out over here. The middle school is only a few blocks away anyways.
"Ahhh the Broflovski brother who actually knows how to have fun." Kenny winks at Firkle but then grins at me. "Kidding by the way, his brother will always be my best pal but Ike knows how to vape. It's impressive."
Kenny pulls out a shiny silver container that holds many joints disguised as cigarettes. This creation is honestly my favorite thing in the world. The sight of it fills me with glee. I'm so excited. Especially to try this new stuff.
Last night I finished off my current stash and I'm tired of that strand.
"You have a lighter Twinkie?" I dig through my pockets but realize that in my haze this morning I had never bothered to grab one.
"N-No," I watch Kenny turn to stare at Henrietta with a wide grin.
"What the fuck do I get out of it?" She snaps. I always kind of envy Henrietta because she's so fierce and confident. She says and does whatever she wants. I guess it's something she has in common with Craig.
"I'll fuck you." Kenny suggests with a wink. The goth looks amused and rolls her eyes.
"I like vagina." She deadpans. Kenny's grin just widens.
"That's funny, so do I."
"You like everything. You're a whore." Despite her earlier protests she pulls out a black zippo and tosses it at Kenny. Kenny lights his own joint and then passes me the light.
"I do like everything." Kenny broadcasts to the other goths with an eyebrow wiggle. They all ignore him and continue to talk about their last few days of summer.
My joint is lit and the first inhale floods my lungs and it's much thicker than I had expected. I cough slightly as I inhale but the smoke brings an instant relief to my crowded head. This is the first time I've actually gotten high for school. I feel so much better already I don't understand why I've never done this before.
"Can I have my lighter back?" She suddenly asks. She doesn't sound as snarky as usual but kind of gentle actually and it takes me by surprise.
I turn my gaze on the black clad teen in surprise and nod eagerly.
"Y-Yeah, sorry." I hold it out and I'm distracted by her impressive nails. Not only are they long and filed to a point but they're painted black with a matte gray inverted cross. Bebe would be really fucking impressed by these nails. I wonder if they've ever talked before.
Strangely enough I can see these two being friends.
"Craig Fucker! Want a joint?" My head swivels around so quickly I get a mild case of whiplash. I didn't hear or see my boyfriend come outside and walk towards us. He comes to a stop and he's staring at me blankly. I've gotten good at reading what he's thinking but right now I have no idea.
"I'm good." He falls to a crouch beside me and pulls out a cigarette. He lights it with a black lighter then pockets everything. He's staring at me still but I can't stand the weight of his gaze so I stare down at the black blanket beneath me.
"Henri, do tell, what's your homeroom?" I hear Kenny ask. I tune him out and instead focus on finishing my long joint.
Craig and I remain silent as I idly listen to the buzzing conversation around us. Halfway through my joint I switch to holding it with my right hand instead of my left. As soon as the hand beside Craig is unoccupied his long fingers stretch out to capture my own. I glance at the noirette but he's staring off at the street.
The first bell rings right as I finish my joint. Craig drops his cigarette and pulls us both up to stand up. He stomps his smoke out and I do the same to mine. Kenny says goodbye to us both as he continues to chat with the goths.
Craig and I enter the school in silence. We're halfway down the hallway and almost to our shared homeroom when he speaks.
"Hey Tweek?" I glance at him hesitantly but he's not looking at me. "Can you promise me something?"
"W-What?"
"Can you not get high before or during school?" Because he isn't looking at me I continue to stare at him. He's squeezing my hand tighter and I didn't realize it unsettled him so much that I got high before school.
The high gives me my courage to speak my next few honest words. "No C-Craig, I can't."
AN: The next chapter will be the rest of the school day and work etc. This chapter is a little angsty! AHh! What did you guys think? What new drama do you think will come next?!
