A/N:thank you guys for your reviews. I'm super busy working and only have one or two days to try and write and I kinda started another story and picked up an old discarded story and I am just... totally distracted. I hope you enjoy this chapter as we begin to see Emma's own personality harden and shape Alison's life. Later, S. K.


Return of the Swan


This place, this team, capitalized on my trauma. I had an obsession with House, and knowing as much about him as I could. I was beginning to hate him. Like literally. But still I was obsessed and self destructive.

Like When Stacy, his ex, showed up at our hospital, her husband in tow. I had found out who she was and kept comparing myself to her. I looked nothing like her. My hair is brown because I made it Brown. The color never stayed and it was dul not particularly beautiful. But that had been b y design at first, and it really wasn't fooling anyone.

I knew House found me beautiful, but fuck Stacy was… beautiful, Mature, intelligent. She was a whole package.

I walked out of the diagnostic room to go to the lab. We were trying to understand the reason for her husbands' debilitating symptoms. I was running labs when Stacy followed me in. She was hired by Cuddy, and seemed to have access she really shouldn't have. I looked at her, my eyes taking her in fully. I got why she was it for House. "Making lunch?" Stacy asked. "I assume that's for Mark."

I shrugged and continued doing what I was doing as I asked. "You know about his parents. What about further back? Grandparents, uncles, aunts, how's their health?"

Stacy rolled her eyes. She sighed and leaned against the table where I sat. "Greg hates fishing, I assume. He's got a theory."

I nodded and looked down in the microscope. "The most likely candidate right now is Alzheimer's."

She took a pause and thought about the possibility."No. There's been no memory loss." She said then faced me. "I mean, he forgets where he left his keys, but who doesn't?"

"Any family history?" I asked, finally looking at her.

"Of?" she asked, "Whacked-outness? His sister voted for Nader, twice. That's about it."

I smiled, she was charming. God she was amazing. I pulled off my glasses and really took her in. I was fully curious now, about how she felt about House. Why did she leave… "You were with House when it happened? To his leg?"

Stacy's interest peaked. And she finally took me in. "You're interested in him."

I rolled my eyes. "We went on one date. It didn't go very well."

She smiled and nodded. "Our first date didn't, either. I was never going to see him again. Week later I moved in. 5 years. What would you like to know?"

Surprised at hearing he had opened up to her that fast. Was House really that different? I just needed to know. "What was he like before his leg?"

"Pretty much the same." She answered, and the machine beeped again and I turned back to the machine.

I turned back to the machine, slipping my glasses back on. "He's clear. No Alzheimer's."

"Yeah," Stacy said, eyeing me carefully, "that's what I figured." I could feel her eyes on me. And I knew Stacy still had feelings for House. No more questioning her.

"I'm going to get these over to House, you should tell Mark the good news." I said and walked out of the lab. I could feel her watching me as I walked down the hall, and maybe just maybe I could be attractive enough to turn House's head. But I was definitely not twisted enough, and I didn't know if I was willing to go there.


Later I walked up behind House as he was watching from behind the blinds. Super creepy, but I was watching him so what did that make me. I still couldn't shake him off. I needed closure, and I got it. Stacy gave it to me. I needed to let him know it. Maybe?

I came up behind him and cleared my throat. "Dr. House? How's he doing?" I aske signaling to Mark and Stacy just beyond the window.

"Never better." He answered.

We were silent for a while, then I took my chance. "I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone." I said signaling toward The woman he clearly still had a thing for. "I was wrong. You just couldn't love me." He turned to face me then. I shrugged. "It's okay. I'm happy for you." Then I walked away symbolically… I mean we still had to work together but I needed him to know I was letting go of him.

My walls were up, but now I was having a hard time reaching my boss. He would not listen or refused to give me what I needed to do my job. Which was so frustrating. He wanted me to leave him alone, and then when I did, he was blocking all of my work.

But this time, for this patient, I was going to get what I wanted. So I sat myself at his desk and waited for him to come in. He walked into his office and spotted me. He looked like he was having an aggravating day already… good because I was aggravated. "Oh no. Now you've left your entire body in my chair. What does that mean you want?"

"I need a segmental bronchoalveolar lavage." I said, leaning back in his chair.

"I take it, the CT with contrast came back."

"They're not definitive."

"Biopsy would be."

I stood and leaned on the desk."Biopsy would be invasive and unnecessary."

House got up in my face and finished up "And definitive. But you don't want definitive, you want to hang on to your delusions as long as you can."

I sighed. "A lavage could prove it's not cancer."

He walked around me to take his chair back. "But you need me to approve the procedure." He dropped into the chair. "Must be a bitch. The answer is no."

I turned to face him and folded my arms in front of me. "Why? Because it's me?" I scoffed and threw my arms out in frustration. "I'm over you. I've jumped on the bandwagon. I hate you, okay?"

"Great. Let's treat her."

"What is it?" I asked, trying to understand his ass backward logic. "You won't help Cindy but you're obsessed with this piece of dirt! Are you just trying to prove that who someone is doesn't matter, that all that matters is your stupid puzzle? Fine. Treat them the same. That's all I'm asking. One test."

He looked at me as if in wonder. Grant it, i am still working through my dumb ass crush, but fuck I hated this guy right now. "Wow, that is remarkable. According to those patchouli-oil selling new-agers, it's supposed to be the terminal patient, but you're going through the five stages." I furrowed my brow trying to understand what he was talking about. "You just made a completely seamless transition from anger to bargaining. Cover two more of my clinic hours, and you can have your one procedure."

Really?

Muother fucker.

I just nodded and walked away.


When I got home that night, I was feeling particularly lonely. Nights like these I got curious about looking for my son. I started searching for the agency that may have taken him. I had done a great job at not retaining anything that they told me that day he was born.

Because I knew that if I remembered where they had sent him I would have reached out and taken him back.

But now, I just wanted to see him from afar. I wanted to see if he looked anything like Me or neal. I needed to see if he was happy.

I cast a wide net, and allowed some of the hacking skills I had picked up while with Neil, and began a search and tracked him to an Agency in Boston.

Boston.


When Cuddy's gardner lost his hand, I did some time trying to understand my feelings about Stacy and House and vocalizing it to Cuddy, which probably in hind sight was stupid as fuck because, she ended up fucking him later. I should have known it was going to bite me in the ass. At least a little bit.

It was at a home visit. Alfredo is his name, and we are searching the main rooms. "No furniture polish, no paint thinner, nor anything else worth sniffing." she said from the Hall closet, then moved into the kitchen.,

I sighed from one of the bedrooms. "Nothing in here either." I said, wiping my gloved hands. "Except a few cockroaches." I looked down and stepped on one with my shoe. "Nice." I looked up to the ceiling. There looks to be some leaking. Interesting the handyman's house needs some mending. "Someone should fix Alfredo's roof. So why haven't you fired House?" I added the last part in the conversation because I just always wanted to know.

Cuddy was at the fridge and she looked back at me. I pretended I didn't feel her eyes cutting at me. "I mean," I added, "it's just, you guys are always screaming at each other and I figure you hate him—"

" I don't hate him." She interrupted.

"Why not?" I asked curiously, she just looked at me like I was dense… grant it. I don't understand romantic interactions well. I couldn't see then that she liked him. "He's a great doctor, but any other hospital administrator would have fired him years ago."

She rolled her eyes and moved under the kitchen sink. "Four of them did. The question is why did I hire him?"

"Nothing here…" we moved further into the house, another bedroom and we searched it together. "You both went to Michigan. Did you know him while you were there?" I asked

"Ah, I was still an undergrad, but yeah, I knew him." Cuddy answered "He was already a legend."

"So you just knew him as a legend?"

Cuddy groaned and rolled her eyes. "My God, you're subtle! Anything else on your mind?"

I looked at her a moment then bent down to look under a set of bunk beds. I guess question time was over. "Ugh."

"More cockroaches?"

"Worse." I stated and Cuddy joined me on the floor. There was a dead rat in a trap.

"Beautiful."


The true return of Swan was the day that I thought that I had caught HIV from one of our patients. I had been careful because I wanted to be someone for my son. I had followed every rule because I was not going to be an embarrassment to him any longer. I was wound up tight, and I was tired. And this… Over the top queer photographer just fell into our hands. He had HIV and a vicious drug habit that he praised and stated was the best thing in his life. He was free.

Freedom is what I knew I had been craving. Ever since I was 18 I had been locked away and I craved that freedom he had been talking about. His name was Kalvin. I was in the room with him and Chase.

I put my hand under his blanket to check for his glands. "Your lymph nodes aren't swollen. That's good." I stated.

Kalvin looked over at Chase and smirked. "Maybe Dr Chase should check."

"Sorry mate," Chase said, injecting antibiotics into the IV bag."hands full."

I smirked at his totally homophobic reaction. I looked back at Kalvin. "He's too pretty to be straight. You ever done any modeling?"

"Does anyone actually fall for that line?" Chase asked and I smirked at him.

"Every day." he said with a grin. "Why do you think I became a photographer? I'm guessing you guys didn't think about dating on career day." Chase turned to me and smiled.

I chuckled,"I love my job."

"Really?" he said looking at me. "You seem more the 'find it exceptionally satisfying' type."

I furrowed my brows, "I'm not sure there's a difference." I said and continued checking his body. "Your mom died of diabetes? How's your dad's health?"

"Last I heard he had cirrhosis." he said dismissively and focused his attention on me instead of pretty Chase. "Love, is love, satisfying is 'social validation, fun can wait'."

I shrugged, "I have fun."

"Yeah," Robert said teasing me from the other side of the room. "she's got some scheduled for February. Last you heard? Your father?"

Kalvin looked back at the doctor he had his eye on.. "He threw me out when I was 16. It's just as well; I got tired of getting BB guns for my birthday when I'd asked for a Barbie."

"Dads can be real sweethearts." Chase groused and looked at the IV while I looked at his eyes

"Mmm, sensitive, AND cute." Kalvin said as I looked at his pupils.

"He's cute" I agreed, and suddenly Kalvin coughed up blood..and a bit of it landed directly in my eye.. I stood there stunned for a moment before moving to the sink to wash my eye and Chase took care of the hemorrhage.


So I was exposed to HIV, and I felt trapped in my satisfying life that I just did not love. That was the day that Swan came out to self destruct. It was a bad day, it was August 15th…Just a bad day in general. My baby was Seven, somewhere and here I was possibly fraught with disease, and I was going to die alone.

I hated being alone.

I changed into some scrubs and walked into the Differential room. I was calm, I wasn't going to panic. I just needed to wait til my labs came in and just do my job. Never mind that I was pissed at Kalvin for possibly ending my life.

"Wegener's would have responded to the steroids." I stated absently.

"Maybe you should go home, take the rest of the day." Robert said putting his hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged it off. "I'm fine."

House was watching us at this point. And I was growing even more angry. Why did he have to bring the situation to attention? "Oh this is good, he's pretending to care, you're pretending not to."

"I think we should reconsider drugs." I said ignoring the speculation. "Kalvin uses crystal meth."

"Concerned enough about his health to stalk me while indulging in deadly street drugs." House stated dropping it and popping a little pill while he was at it. "Study in contradictions. Interesting. Still not medically relevant."

I shrugged. "It could be, if his drugs were tainted." I said finally glad to have something to defend. "They cook meth with battery acid, lye, lantern fuel…"

"Find Kalvin's pills, test for toxins." House said and we all began to leave the room. *

And That in turn meant I was stuck with Chase. We were to search the hotel room for his drugs, "No drugs in here. I'll take the bathroom." I said closing the drawer next to the bed.

"How about a drink after work?" Chase said suddenly. I stopped what I was doing and turned to face him. "Take your mind off what happened." I stayed silent. How could he be thinking this right now? "Cameron?"

"I might have HIV, a drink's not going to wash it away." I finally said and resumed my digging.

"There's like zero chance of you contracting the virus." he said rolling his eyes.

"Big difference between 'like zero' and 'zero'." I mumbled ransacking his suitcases.

"What did the infection control guy tell you?" He asked.

" He was very reassuring, kept reminding me that the hospital covers all my medical costs." I answered, then shrugged my shoulders and continued. "He, apparently, forgot to mention that if I do test positive, that they'll pass it on to legal and legal will dig up any dirt they can trying to prove that I'm a drug user or tramp, and that's why I have HIV."

"It's not like they're going to find anything, right?" Chase asked. I paused, because of course they were going to find something I'm Emma Fucking Swan. "Right?"

"Right."


That afternoon, I drove out to Boston. Two and a half hours. I scoped the city out a bit. Drove some of the areas closest to the agency. I know that the likelihood of my son living in any of these neighborhoods was probably very low but I felt closer to him that night. It was his birthday. I bought a little cupcake and a candle then headed for a local Bar.

I lit the little Number seven at the bar. Closed my eyes and thought of the sound of my little boy calling out for me. I took a deep breath and blew out the candle. "If that's a sobriety celebration, maybe you are in the wrong place."

I looked to my left and a gorgeous woman sat there looking angry to be there. Which surprised me because she had made the comment. "You look like you'd rather be anywhere but here."

"I wish to be home." She stated. "I will never fly to Boston again."

"The rain ground your plane?" I asked.

"The forecast was clear for today. I came to get a gift for my son, and I should have been able to fly out and back, and this Freak storm rolled in as if like magic…" She complained.

"Tell me about it, I feel like I brought it with me from New York." I stated.

Then she looked me over. Her eyes taking in every stress line in my face. "Maybe you did." she mumbled.

"How long is the Delay?" I asked

"Three Hours." She stated, " In counting."

"Too bad you don't have a distraction." I stated and reached for my phone. "I have to drive back to New York tonight to be there for work tomorrow."

"A Distraction would be perfect." She said, her voice dipping low. It was eight and nothing really started for a long time. "I am going to the bathroom, Care to join me?" she stated.

I followed her with my eyes and then I did indeed follow her. I had not been with a woman in a long time, or anyone for that matter. It was the most intense sex I'd ever had. White hot and electric and when she walked away from me, she looked wild eyed as if she were on a high.

I never got her name. Just a definite imprint of what she felt like inside and around me. I kicked myself for not getting a name.

I went home and self-destructed. I took some of the drugs that we found in Kalvin's hotel and began to try to forget my son, and that woman. I took some Meth, and I felt myself go, and I welcomed the oblivion. I knew that None of it was going to bring my little boy back to me. But it was his birthday and it made the pain go away because my mind couldn't focus on who was missing in my life.

What saved me was a knock on my door. My music was blasting and I was dancing alone in my living room. And there was a knock on the door. And right at that moment I needed contact. I needed to be touched, I think his meth was laced with ecstasy and I was ready to jump whoever was at the door.

I could be one of two people. The pizza guy, or Chase, which I had called the moment I felt the urge to bone. I walked to the door in my tank and underwear. There he was. He was just… So pretty. "Glad you changed your mind about that drink."

"Come on in." I said and stepped back to let him in.

"You should get changed, there's this new place on campus that looks…" I needed to chase to shut up. I pushed him up against the wall and kissed him hard."Are you high?"

"Uh huh." I said, pushing his Jacket off of his shoulder. He doesn't fight me, I had known he had wanted me for months.

"I thought you disposed of the drugs." he said and I couldn't help but watch his pretty little mouth as he spoke.

"Not all of it." I said taking off his shirt and moving back toward my bedroom.

"Uhh, slow down… your pupils are dilated! You're not… "

Shut up…

"Come on Chase; don't turn into a good guy on me now." I stated and pressed myself on him and we slept together and it was good and I felt vindicated.


The next day I was unhappy again. I was miserable and hung over and overly stimulated and I couldn't remember the good sex I aparently had so… yeah it wasn't so great. "Kalvin lied!"

House eyed me dubiously. "Yeah, that certainly is shocking."

I growled and stood up pacing the room.my mind had been in overdrive thinking about Kalvin's issue. I couldn't stop and my entire theory poured out of me. "Mom's kidneys were failing, she needed a transplant, they tested Kalvin, he was a match. He was also positive for HIV, mom never found a qualified donor, she dies."

House's eyes follow me around the room. "Tragic tale. Undercut slightly by the rapid fire delivery and constant movement. Too much coffee this morning?"

"He didn't kill her. Our bodies aren't donor farms for our parents." Chase stated watching her.

"It's not 1980." Foreman interjected. "We know how HIV is transmitted! If Kalvin got HIV through unprotected sex, dad has every right to be pissed!"

I stopped short and looked at him. "So you always use a condom?"

"Uhh... yeah!" Forman stated.

"Brother's on the down-low got to." House stated. I glared at him, it seemed a little wrong for him to note.

"Huh, not ready for any Foreman Juniors yet." Foreman stated.

I looked at House. "You?"

House answered, "Working girls are sticklers. You're not going to poll Chase?"

I looked at him; I knew the answer to that was no… we weren't completely careful the night before."I'm not an idiot." he defended himself

"Obviously not." House answered, having all of the awkwardness he needed to make his inference. "Who doesn't sleep with a drugged out colleague when they have a chance?" He gave us botha pointed look and smiles because my blush gave him all the confirmation he needed.

"Where's Wilson?" I asked and the little exposee was over. Working with House was always fraught with a danger of becoming exposed. He liked to peel off layers of secrets.

And then there was Chase….

He had caught up to me that day at the locker room and handed me an Ativan. "It'll help settle you down."

"Why are you so calm?" I asked him. I could barely look at him.

"Not coming off meth helps." he said and sat next to me. "Last night probably shouldn't happen again."

I smirk and shake my head. "Do you think I want it to?"

"When two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it again, they're gonna do it again. And that's when things get complicated." He stated then stood up again and walked toward the door. "And it didn't suck."

I wanted to invalidate the claim… but I didn't. I couldn't.


Eventually the allure of House, and self destruction gave way to the person I am now. A lot more skeptical of people, Less willing to allow stupidity to hurt others. I was less tolerant of the man that I worked for and I was ready to go.

House's problem was really a self esteem issue, and it was proven once. He had done an experimental cure for his leg problem and he went insane. And he became incredibly brave. I came up behind him while he was being nice to a patient. "What a touching moment." I said walking up to him. "That's why we become doctors. For those rare moments when our hearts are warm--"

"Would you like to get a drink?" he interrupted me.

I looked at him surprised. I took stock of my feelings and I smirked."Are you serious or are you just trying to change the subject?"

"No, I'm serious." He said earnestly. "I drink, you drink. We could do it at the same time; same table. Do you eat? We could do that too. I mean, if the answer's no that's cool but…"

We stopped in front of the elevators and he was asking me out on a date.. I looked around; maybe WIlson was behind this. "No, I... it's just…" I stuttered and looked down at his leg. "you're just coming off the surgery and you're not yourself yet and I work for you and even though last year's…" He started to smirk. I sighed . "you're smiling! I'm saying no and you're smiling!"

"Oh, don't take it personally." He said and walked on to the elevator. "It's just 'cause you're full of crap. You have no interest in going out with me." I followed him as he explained his theory. "Maybe you did, when I couldn't walk and I was a sick puppy that you could nurture back to health. Now that I'm healthy, there's nothing in it for you."

"You are not healthy." I answered his delusion. I was just done with him in general. But if it made him feel better… "Cuddy wants to see you."