"How are you feeling, mate?" James asked, offering Sirius a cautious smile. It was always difficult to gauge how Sirius would respond to their visits. On some occasions, he reacted warmly to their presence. However, on others, he would release his anger and frustration on them, moodily demanding that they leave him alone.
"Hey," Sirius replied shortly, a vacant expression in his eyes.
James frowned, reaching for Lily's hand. He's still doped up on the pills.
"How did it go with your eval?" Lily asked softly, squeezing James' hand.
"The usual. We discussed my alleged reckless behavior. She lectured me about safe sex... I got chlamydia again," he retorted, shrugging his shoulders.
James glanced over towards Remus, who looked ill.
"I keep telling you to wrap it up, Pads," James laughed, trying to keep their conversation light, lest he trigger one of Sirius' mood swings.
"They won't give me anything to help me sleep," Sirius whined, pouting.
"How much xanax did you take, Sirius?" Lily prompted, taking a step closer and sitting beside Sirius on the bed.
"I don't know... Everyone keeps asking me that. I don't remember. I snorted it. It could have been three bars, it could have been ten. Who even knows."
"How's your head? Mrs. Potter said that you have a concussion," Remus asked nervously, speaking for the first time since they had entered the room.
"S'fine, right now. I'm sure it'll hurt like a bitch tomorrow. Or when I'm coming down off of the xanax," Sirius replied dully, wringing his hands in his lap.
The foursome remained silent for a moment, each occupied in their own thoughts.
Sirius cleared his throat tentatively, breaking the silence of the room. "I'm fine you know, guys. It was an accident. You don't... You don't have to worry about me."
James, Lily, and Remus exchanged looks, trying and failing to mask their doubtful expressions. "Sure, Sirius. We know," James replied, shoving his hands into his pockets. "We know you're fine."
James knocked on Sirius' bedroom door, unsure of whether or not he was awake. Upon returning home, Sirius had gone straight to his room, where he had remained in bed for the past three days. He had tried to speak to him, to get some sort of gauge on what Sirius' mental state was, to no avail. He's crashing. He'd slept nearly the entire time he'd been home, responding to James' attempts at conversation with little more than the occasional sigh and I don't want to talk about this, right now.
"Yeah?" Sirius called out, sounding far more alert than he had since James had first seen him in the hospital.
"You got a minute?" James asked.
"Door's unlocked."
Carefully, James turned the doorknob, entering Sirius' bedroom. The lights were all off, but Sirius was sitting up in bed, a vast improvement from the fetal position he'd been lying in for the past three days. "So," James began, taking a seat at the foot of the bed. "We should probably talk about this."
Sirius sighed, covering his face with his hands. "I already told you, James. It was an accident.
"Have you been taking your antibiotic?"
"Yes," Sirius retorted, rolling his eyes.
"Good. How's your head?"
"It finally feels like I don't have a horrible migraine."
"That's good. Mum said that you've agreed to go and talk to someone. That's good," James started, carefully watching Sirius' expression.
Sirius glared, pressing his lips firmly together. "The psychiatrist at the hospital recommended that I see someone to get a complete evaluation."
"It couldn't hurt, right?" James noted lightly, trying his best to smile.
"They think I'm crazy, James," Sirius snapped. "They're right, I guess. I'm crazy. I'm fucking crazy."
"You're not crazy, Sirius," James retorted, eyeing Sirius with concern. "Lily goes to therapy and she's not crazy."
"I feel crazy, though. That's the problem," Sirius replied, pulling his knees to his chest and hugging them. "It's like I don't know why I even do the things that I do. I just... I don't want to be crazy, Jamie."
Sirius arrived at Dr. Fairgood's office, half an hour early. He had taken his car, a BMW gifted to him by his parents before they had disowned him. Mrs. Potter had insisted, claiming that the roads were too slick to be riding about on his motorbike. He checked in at the front desk before depositing himself into one of the chairs in the waiting room. He glanced about the decor; dim lighting, a taupe colored carpet, a noise machine to ensure the privacy of whoever was in the midst of a therapy session. He pulled out his phone, scrolling through his messages. James. Remus. Mark. He frowned, clicking on Remus' name. He carefully scanned the message: How are you feeling? Let's catch up when you're feeling up to it.
He smiled. Remus was the best sort of friend. He had always felt safer confiding in him than he had anyone else, including James. Remus always listened carefully, was always patient as Sirius struggled to string together the words to explain what he was feeling. James was pushy; he'd interrupt Sirius mid-sentence, questioning him, demanding further explanation. Remus just listened, taking it all in and never passing judgment.
"Sirius Black?"
Sirius glanced up, tucking his phone back into his pocket. "Yeah," he said softly, rising to his feet.
"I'm Dr. Fairgood. I'm ready for you now," she said warmly, motioning towards her office.
Sirius nodded, following her into the room, taking a seat on the couch furthest away from her desk, as she shut the door.
"So," she began, smiling warmly, "why don't you tell me a little about yourself?"
Sirius sighed, staring down at his feet. "I thought my records were sent over."
"They were. But I'd like for you to tell me a little about yourself. I like to get to know my patients. Just the basics, if you're uncomfortable. Tell me your age, whether you're in school," she replied, procuring a notepad from a drawer.
Sirius nodded. "I'm nineteen. I'm studying pharmacology at UCL."
"What year are you in?"
Sirius frowned, biting his lower lip. "I should be starting my second year this upcoming fall," he said finally, staring down at the floor.
"What do you mean by should be?"
Sirius sighed heavily. "The university has put me on a mandatory medical leave, for at least the fall semester."
Dr. Fairgood nodded, watching him carefully. "If I might ask, why would they do that?"
"Word got around that I tried to kill myself. Other students in my program complained about me, saying that I was unstable," Sirius muttered, his eyes glued to the floor. "My friends don't know yet. Or the Potters. Haven't told anyone, actually."
"Do you think that this mandated medical leave was necessary?" she asked.
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know... I mean... I don't know. I don't know how to feel about it. I just don't care, I guess."
Fairgood nodded, scribbling something down on her pad. "I'm going to ask you a series of questions, Sirius. Standard initial patient intake, alright?"
Sirius nodded, arms folded against his chest. "Let's get it over with."
"Do you feel depressed, sad, or burned out?"
"No." Yes.
"Have you ever had any feelings of wanting to harm yourself?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever tried to harm yourself?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yes. You have my file. Just consult that for the details," he scoffed.
Dr. Fairgood eyed him silently for a moment, before turning her attention to the pad in front of her, scribbling something down. "Do you have a problem with anger, such as losing your temper?"
"Yes."
"Do you have more of a temper when drinking or using?"
"No." Yes.
"Do you resent being given advice?"
"No." Yes.
"Are you anxious or nervous?"
"Yes."
"Do you feel separated from other people like it is you against the world?"
"Yes."
"Do you feel guilty about drinking or using chemicals?"
Sirius frowned. "I didn't say that I-"
"Sirius, your urinalysis while in the hospital tested positive for xanax and cocaine," Fairgood interrupted, scribbling something down on her pad.
"I don't know... Yes? No? I only feel guilty when people make me feel guilty. It doesn't stop me, though," Sirius muttered, crossing his arms against his chest.
"Does anyone in your family have a history of alcoholism or substance abuse?"
Sirius laughed coldly, his lips twisting into a sneer. "My mum is a raging alcoholic."
"How does the future look to you at this time?"
"Bleak. Fucking bleak."
"What types of things give you this feeling?"
"I don't know. I try not to think about it."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to, okay? Things aren't working out as I hoped they would. But it's fine. Maybe I'll get lucky and die in a car crash or something," Sirius muttered, staring down at the ground.
"How long have you had these thoughts, of hoping that you would somehow end up dying?" Fairgood asked, her pen pressed to paper.
"I don't know. For as long as I can remember, I guess," Sirius replied, shrugging.
"Sirius, what you described is passive suicidal ideation."
Sirius shrugged. "I'm not suicidal. I didn't say I wanted to kill myself, that I'd do something to attempt to kill myself."
"Passive or active, suicidal ideation is suicidal ideation," Fairgood stated firmly, eyeing him with concern.
It took less than a week for Sirius to fall back into old habits. It started small at first; staying out until the wee hours of the morning, and then slipping back into the house as the sun came up. Every time James attempted to talk to him, he smelt the faintest hint of whiskey on Sirius' breath, regardless of the hour of the day. It quickly became apparent he'd been drinking, and heavily; James was well aware of the countless empty bottles tossed into the recycling bin. Sirius suddenly began to bring Mark around, inviting him to spend the night, presumably to partake in activities far less innocent than snuggling and watching movies. James found it safe to assume that Sirius wasn't sleeping much, if the dark circles under his eyes were any indication. When he actually made an appearance at meals, Sirius immediately rushed off afterwards, the familiar sound of running water coming from his upstairs bathroom. To mask the sound of vomiting, James suspected. Not that he's fooling anyone. James turned a blind eye to the empty pill bottles in Sirius' trash can, fearful to set Sirius off into one his infamous rages. Then, without a word to anyone, he disappeared, text messages and calls to his cell phone blatantly ignored.
"I don't understand how he can just brush it off, like it's no big deal," James complained as he took a sip of coffee. Lily had asked him to meet her at a coffee shop not far from university, as she was taking a summer course.
Lily shrugged, taking a sip from her own mug. "That's just Sirius' coping mechanism. Carrying on as if the incident never occurred."
"Lils, he needs to deal with his issues. He keeps ending up in the hospital," James retorted, frowning. He stared down into his coffee, brooding.
Lily frowned, gazing down into her own coffee mug. "That's part of the problem, James. Sirius has never learned how to fucking deal with anything."
James sighed. "He's been out for three days now... do you think I should be worried?"
Lily sighed heavily, glancing up to look at him. "You know Sirius better than anyone, James. We all know Sirius is his own worst enemy. I don't doubt for a second he's up to something destructive."
"So what do we do?" James asked, pleadingly. Tell me what to do, Lils. Please. Tell me how to help him.
"There's really nothing we can do, love," Lily sighed, taking a dainty sip of her coffee. "He's an adult. All we can do is wait for him to bottom out... And be there to pick him back up again when he does."
Remus woke to the sound of knocking at his front door. He froze, gazing towards the clock on his dresser: 3 A.M. "What in the world," he muttered, wiping sleep from his eyes. As his brain began to process what was happening, it quickly dawned on him: Sirius. Who else would show up knocking on my door at 3am? Still half asleep, he dragged himself from bed, answering the door. Sirius gazed up at him, his gray eye wide, pupils dilated. He's high.
"Moony!" Sirius shouted, throwing his arms around his neck. "I missed you."
"I missed you too, Sirius. What brings you around these parts?" Remus asked, closing the door behind them. He led Sirius into the kitchen, motioning for him to take a seat.
"I just wanted to see you,"Sirius replied, rapping his fingers lightly on the kitchen table. "I've been thinking, Moony."
"Oh?" Remus asked, preparing a kettle for tea. It's going to be a long night. He'll be up chattering for hours.
"Let's go to America, Moony! I want to go on an adventure. I've been reading that book you tried getting me to read back in fifth form. On the Road. We should do it! Just say fuck it all and fly over there. We can rent a car and travel the country. It'll be brilliant," Sirius exclaimed, a wide grin plastered on his face.
Remus laughed, shaking his head. "Sirius, just a flight to America would be a fortune. And it'd take us weeks to travel cross country. America is huge. It'd take at least a week to get from New York to California."
"But think of how amazing it would be! We could go to concerts, see bands that never come around here. Visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I want to go, Moony! Please go with me!" Sirius pleaded, eyeing Remus expectantly.
"We'll be back at school in a little less than two month's time, Sirius," Remus replied, pouring two mugs full of hot water, steeping the tea bags.
Sirius shrugged, glancing down at his phone. "Fucking Marlene has been blowing up my phone all night," he whined, abruptly changing the subject.
"Oh?"Remus asked, taking a sip of his drink. He placed a mug before Sirius, taking a seat across from him at the table.
"She's all depressed over Fabian Prewett breaking up with her. Looking for a pity shag, I suppose."
"So why didn't you? I mean, it's there, so why not?" Remus queried, unable to contain his curiosity. I've never known him to turn down an easy shag.
Sirius shrugged. "She's a lousy lay. Just lies there all rigid. No thanks. Some birds are alright, but her..." he grimaced, shaking his head.
"Where have you been the past few days? James has been worried."
"Mark's," Sirius replied, bringing his mug of tea to his lips, taking a deep sip.
"So, where is Mark now?" Remus pressed, eyeing Sirius expectantly.
Sirius' expression darkened, anger welling up in his eyes. "We had a row."
Remus eyed him carefully, scrutinizing his features. Under closer examination he saw blood on Sirius' hands, his knuckles cut up. The slightest beginnings of a bruise was beginning to form along his jaw.
"What happened?" Remus asked, reaching out to touch his face.
"What is this, Remus, twenty questions?" Sirius replied sharply, his hand immediately reaching to cover the bruise. "It's nothing. Just a little bruise."
"Did he hit you?" Remus asked, nearly dropping his cup of tea.
"It's fine. I didn't even feel it."
"What happened with him? Why in god's name would he hit you, Sirius?"
"He wanted to see other people. Naturally I reacted badly... I suppose I should have figured," he muttered, sulking. "Everyone leaves. Everyone gets sick of me."
Remus watched nervously, unnerved by the sudden shift in Sirius' mood.
"I don't know why I even try. I'm just not capable of being loved."
"Don't say that, Padfoot," Remus said gently, reaching forward and placing his hand over Sirius'. As much as Remus disliked Sirius' manic states, he found his depressive ones to be far worse.
"So did you break up?" he asked, struggling to remain calm.
Sirius shrugged. "Not really. After we both got a few swings in, I stormed off. Went and fucked Nate. If I don't matter to him, he doesn't matter to me. Nate is bound to tell him that I shagged him. That'll put him in a right state. Bloody wanker. I bet he was already shagging someone else. Probably that ginger I saw him checking out on Grindr," he muttered, staring despondently into his tea.
Sirius pulled his phone out of his pocket, glanced down the screen, then glared at it. Remus watched, surprised, as he angrily slammed the phone down, shaking the rickety kitchen table.
"Expecting a text from someone?" Remus asked.
"Yeah... It's fine, though. No worries."
The pair sat in silence for quite some time, Sirius glancing at his phone every five minutes. Remus watched him carefully as he hastily typed away before slamming his phone down again.
"Sirius," Remus started, struggling to maintain his composure. "It's like four in the morning. Who are you trying to get a hold of?"
"No one," Sirius replied quickly, covering the screen of his phone with his hand.
"Sirius."
Sirius sighed, crossing his arms against his chest. "Christ," he huffed, rolling his eyes. "Not that it's any of your business, but if you must know, I'm trying to get a hold of my dealer."
Remus stared, startled by Sirius' sudden confession.
"I'm trying to get some more cocaine so I can get through the rest of the day. Before I start coming down... I'm not ready to come down," he snapped, shooting Remus a furious look.
"You're just going to come down harder if you keep trying to put it off," Remus replied, sounding far more calm than he actually felt.
Remus sighed, covering his face with his hands. "Sirius, please. You know I hate when you're like this."
"Fine," Sirius snapped, rising to his feet. "So sorry to be such a burden to you. I'll just be going, then."
"Sirius, stop," Remus replied, standing as well.
He took a step towards his friend, placing a hand gently on his shoulder. "It's late. You know that I didn't mean it like that. Come on. I"ll draw you a bath. You can take a xanax. That should help you come down. Then you can sleep it off," Remus begged, eyeing his friend pleadingly.
Sirius sighed. "Fine," he agreed, his arms hanging loosely at his sides. "Fine."
Remus sat in his small sitting room, trying and failing to focus on the book lying open in his hands. Though he was on break from university for the summer, he was taking advantage of the free time to read ahead for his courses in the fall. Down the hall, Sirius was in the bathroom, the door opened just a crack. The soothing vocals of Ben Gibbard could be heard lowly from the room. Remus strained his ears, trying to determine which track he was on. I want so badly to believe that there is truth and that love is real... Remus breathed a sigh of relief. Still another entire song before I need to grab him.
As he heard the opening of This Place is a Prison, Remus rose to his feet, making his way towards the bathroom. He knocked to announce his presence before entering the room. "Sirius," Remus said softly, carefully padding into the room.
Sirius was stretched out in the bathtub, one arm dangling over the edge of the tub, his eyes shut, a faint smile etched on his face. "Let's get you to bed," he said calmly, lighting brushing Sirius' arm.
"Hmmm... What?" Sirius mumbled, opening his eyes.
"Time to get to bed. You had a nice soak. Alright, Siri?" Remus asked, careful to keep his tone calm and gentle.
"Okay," Sirius agreed, nodding his head.
Carefully, Remus helped Sirius to his feet and out of the tub, wrapping him in a towel. "Whoa," Remus gasped, taking a step back in surprise as he felt Sirius press against him, leaning his weight against him. "How much did you take?" Remus asked, his heart pounding harder as he felt bare skin, still warm from the hot bath water, wrap around his neck.
Mindful of Sirius' impaired coordination, Remus helped Sirius to his bedroom, taking care to insure that he did not stumble. Sirius clumsily pulled on his boxers, discarding his towel on the floor. He crawled into bed, laying flat on his back, the thin comforter only partially pulled up to cover him. As Remus reached over him to pull the covers all the way up, he felt familiar callused hands grasp the back of his neck, pulling him closer. Warm lips pressed against his, applying light pressure before pulling away. "Love you, Moony," Sirius mumbled, shutting his eyes as he rolled over onto his side, his legs curling up with him.
Remus stood there for a moment, his fingers lightly brushing over his lips, his heart racing. What is going on? He listened as Sirius' breathing fall into the slow, even pattern of sleep. He sighed, staring down at Sirius' sleeping form. "Love you, too," he whispered, fishing his cell phone from out of his right pocket. Opening the group text with Lily and James, he carefully typed a message, pressing send: He's here. He's safe.
