"How is he? James asked, over a cup of tea.

"He's fine," Remus assured him, calmly taking a sip from his own cup.

"What happened? Did he tell you why he decided to come here?"

Remus frowned, unsure of how much to say. "He was high, James. Had to lure him into a hot bath with a promise of xanax to convince him to stay. He was texting his dealer, at four in the morning."

Lily sighed, delicately lifting her cup to her mouth. "Sounds like Sirius. I'm glad you got him to stay... you know how he is. If he couldn't get a hold of his dealer, he probably would have ended up wandering the streets, trying to buy an eight-ball that'd probably be cut with who knows what."

"Good point," Remus agreed. "Dunno how much xanax he took, but he's been out since about six this morning. Best to let him just sleep it off. He needs the rest."

"He's still going to be miserable when he wakes up," James noted.

Remus shrugged. "I know, but I'd rather deal with that than him coming down off of coke."

James nodded, rising to his feet. "I'm going to give mum a call, let her know where he is."

Once James excused himself from the kitchen, Lily pounced on him, staring expectantly. "What else happened?" she asked.

Remus sighed. "Nothing. I'm tired Lils, it was a crazy night."

"Remus."

He sighed, defeated. "You can't tell James. He'll go mental."

"Of course," she replied, agreeably.

"Mark hit him. He's got a nasty looking bruise on his jaw," Remus said grimly, frowning.

"What? Why would he... is Sirius alright?" Lily sputtered.

Remus sighed heavily. "They had a fight of sorts. Mark tried to break things off with him, wanting to see other people, and Sirius went ballistic. It got physical and I assume he gave as well as he got."

"Anything else?" she prompted.

Remus sighed. "He went and shagged Nate Milgore before coming here. To rub it in Mark's face."

Lily offered him a sympathetic pat on the arm. "I'm sorry, Rem. I know it's hard for you to have to watch him... being like this."

Remus shrugged. "It's fine. What can you do, that's just who he is, right?"

"Still, he trusts you more than he does the rest of us. You're the one he has a special bond with," Lily replied, gripping her tea firmly in her hands.

"Yeah right," Remus snorted, shaking his head dismissively.

"He came here, didn't he? You're the one he feels safe with. He ignored mine and James' calls and texts for three days," Lily insisted, gesturing towards him.

"He ignored mine too, Lils."

"Still, Rem. He came to you. He could have gone home, but he came to you."

"Probably because he didn't want the Potters to see him coked out of his mind... you know he tries to keep things, the ugly things, from James," Remus muttered darkly, staring down into his cup.

"Did you play him his favorite album?" Lily asked, smirking.

"It wouldn't be a xanax bath without the Postal Service, Lils," Remus retorted, smiling sheepishly.

"Remus Lupin, you are such a sap," Lily laughed, shaking her head.

Remus flushed, thinking of Sirius' kiss. "Oh my god, you are totally blushing right now. You really are a sap, Remus. What happened?" she asked, eyeing him intently.

Remus laughed, shrugging his shoulders. "It's nothing, really."

"Tell me."

"He kissed me when I was putting him to bed last night," Remus replied, shrugging his shoulders.

Lily's eyes widened, her lips forming a perfect 'o' of surprise. "Oh my god. Tell me everything."

"It was nothing Lily," Remus scoffed, reaching for his tea. "He was fucked up on xanax, barely conscious. I had to half-carry him out of the bath and into bed to make sure he didn't fall."

"Well how did he kiss you?" Lily pressed, her eyes boring holes into Remus'.

Remus shrugged, his cheeks flushing a pale pink. "It was just a peck. He wrapped his hands around my neck while I was pulling the comforter over him and pulled me close to him, pressing his lips to mine. And he..." he trailed off, shaking his head. "It's stupid. And totally sappy. Especially because it meant nothing since he was barely cognitive."

"What did he say Rem?"

"He said 'I love you, Moony'."

"I still don't understand why you can't just tell him how you feel," Lily scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"Isn't it obvious, Lils?"

"I think you'd be surprised at what his reaction would be if you'd put yourself out there."

"I can't. James would be furious. We're all supposed to be best mates. I can't break up the dynamic of the group."

"James is a twit. You're in love with him, Remus. Stop putting yourself through heartache and tell him how you feel," Lily said sharply.

Remus sighed, staring down into his tea. "Look at him, Lily. How could I ever hope to measure up to the kind of guys Sirius sleeps with? He's fucking gorgeous. And smart. And funny. And rich. He has it all. What could I give him?"

Lily shook her head. "You're forgetting all the other things about Sirius. He's insecure. Needy. Unstable. Impulsive. I think someone like you is exactly what Sirius needs."


Slowly, Remus opened the door to his bedroom, taking care to be quiet, in case Sirius was still asleep. "Hey, you're awake."

"How long have I been out?" Sirius asked groggily, pushing hair from out of his eyes.

"Not too long. Maybe twelve hours," Remus replied, standing awkwardly in the doorway.

Sirius nodded, staring down at his lap. "Do you remember coming here last night?" Remus asked, taken aback by Sirius' sudden quietness. He's never usually this reserved.

Sirius nodded. "Of course."

"When's the last time you ate something?" Remus queried, glancing at him nervously.

Again, Sirius shrugged. "I don't remember."

"I'll make you scrambled eggs, if you'd like. Or egg whites, if that'd be easier on your- "

"Scrambled eggs would be fine," Sirius interrupted. "Thanks."

The pair sat at the kitchen table, each engrossed in their meal. Remus watched in silence as Sirius took precisely three bites of his eggs before taking a sip of water. Sirius glanced up, observing Remus observing him, and lowered his fork to the table, not meeting Remus' eyes. "I hope I didn't burn the eggs too badly this time," Remus said lightly, attempting to dismiss his blatant staring.

Sirius laughed. "No, you did good."

"How are you feeling?" Remus asked, taking a bite of his eggs.

"Alright," Sirius mumbled, staring down at his plate.

"You don't have to say you're fine just to appease me, Pads. I want to know."

Sirius sighed. "I don't know, Moony... low. Just really, really low."

"Is there anything I could do to help?" Remus asked lightly.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. Could I stay with you for a few days?"

"Of course. You know you're always welcome here," Remus assured him, offering him a slight smile.

"Did you tell James I'm here?" he asked lowly.

"Yeah. He and Lils stopped by earlier... you were sleeping, so I didn't wake you. I figured you needed your rest," Remus replied, shrugging slightly.

"He's pissed at me, eh?"

"No, he's not mad. Just worried."

"You guys don't need to worry about me... I'm fine," Sirius muttered, lifting his fork and stabbing his eggs.

Remus sighed, biting his lower lip. "Okay. Okay. "


The two lounged about on the couch, Remus on one end, Sirius on the other. Remus read his book, trying to focus on the words and not Sirius, who was stretched out on the couch, watching television. "I saw a new therapist," Sirius noted, eyes still glued to the television screen.

"Oh?" Remus asked, glancing up from his book. He frowned at the television screen; Ed Westwick was kissing some vaguely attractive man. "I don't know how you watch this trash, Sirius," he noted, laughing.

"It's good. Gossip girl was the voice of our generation, Moony," Sirius replied, matter-of-factly. "Besides, Ed is hot. Especially when he's playing an American." He growled, shooting the TV an appreciative look.

"You are so bent, I can't even stand it," Remus snorted, shutting his book and placing it beside him.

Sirius grinned. "Like you've never watched it. I know you and Lils always watched girly things together on the telly."

"I know, I know, Sirius. Just taking the piss."

"Did you like your new therapist?" he asked, at last responding to Sirius' initial comment.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. Only had one session. it's hard to have any real opinion one way or another."

"Ah. So it was just the initial session?" Remus asked.

"Yep," Sirius affirmed, brushing a strand of hair behind his ear.

"Did she give a diagnosis?"

Sirius sighed. "No. Not really. I never ask. If they choose to tell me, so be it, but I'm happier not knowing."

Remus nodded. "Are you going to go back?"

"I don't know..." Sirius muttered, staring down at his lap.

"Sirius."

"Yeah?"

"I know you don't want to talk about it with me, but you kind of have a lot going on in your life. You've had some close calls and I'd be lying to both of us if I said I wasn't worried. It might be good for you to see someone so you have someone to talk to that's impartial. You need to talk to someone," Remus said slowly, each word carefully thought out.

Sirius frowned. "I'll think about it."


Remus took a sip of his drink, carefully gazing around at his surroundings; he had arrived at Marlene McKinnon's party less than an hour earlier, and had already been left to his own devices. James and Lily were talking with Alice and Frank in the corner, presumably about football. Sirius had disappeared almost instantly upon arrival, lips locked with Mark, the pair newly re-involved. He sighed heavily, taking another sip of his drink, shuddering from the strong taste of liquor. I hate vodka. He glanced about the room, searching for Sirius. He's probably off shagging that blond git upstairs, somewhere. He sighed, frowning deeply. It's none of your business, though. Even if he is a right git for getting back together with someone who hit him. He raised his glass to his lips, taking a swig of the drink, wincing as the cheap vodka burned his throat going down. He rose to his feet, deciding to wander around a bit. No point in sitting alone, all night.

Remus heard yelling from the kitchen. Curious, he peeked his head through the door, coming to a halt as he caught sight of Sirius and Mark, in the midst of a quarrel. "All I was saying is that I don't like when you drink this much, Siri. You see how you get... you've had enough," Mark stated angrily, gesturing towards the half empty bottle of Jack Daniel's clutched in Sirius' hand.

"I don't fucking care whether you like it or not, Mark," Sirius spat, shooting the boy a haughty grin.

He smirked, tossing his head back and taking a long swig from the bottle. "If you don't like it, break up with me. I don't give a fuck."

Mark shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Listen to yourself, you're not even making sense. You drink too much, Sirius. How many times are we going to have this conversation?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about, I'm just fine," he scoffed, taking another sip from the bottle.

"You're getting out of control, give me that," Mark started, reaching for the bottle.

"Fuck you!" Sirius shouted, hurtling the bottle directly behind Mark, at the wall.

Remus cringed as the glass shattered, mouth agape as Mark shoved Sirius backward. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he screamed.

"Fuck you, Mark. Get the fuck away from me," Sirius shouted, shoving him back.

Mark reached out to grab Sirius' arm but Sirius moved quicker, his fist colliding with Mark's jaw. Mark swung back, the sickening sound of tooth against bone as his fist collided with Sirius' mouth, splitting his bottom lip. Sirius took another swing, spitting blood at Mark. Remus sprung into action, rushing forward, grabbing Sirius from behind. "Sirius, come on. Let's go," he hissed, pulling him back as Sirius resisted.

"Don't ever call me, again. Stay away from me, you're fucking psychotic," Mark yelled, rubbing his jaw.

"Fuck you," Sirius taunted. "Don't worry, I'd rather fuck Nate Milgore than let your cock near me ever again." He paused, looking thoughtful, despite the blood dribbling down his chin, onto his shirt. "Oh wait, I've already been fucking him. This entire time. You're nothing. Nothing!"

Mark wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Shocker. You're a filthy whore. Worthless. No wonder no one wants you for more than an easy lay."

Sirius opened his mouth to respond but paused, distracted by the sound of the kitchen door swinging open.

"What's going on?" James asked, entering the room. He caught sight of Sirius, blood trickling down his chin and paled.

"Remus, get him in the car. We're going home."

Remus nodded, pulling a struggling Sirius along. "Sirius, come on," he muttered, tugging on his sleeve.

"I don't want to. It's a fucking party, Moony. There's no way I'm going home without getting laid tonight."

"Sirius, your lip is split open. We need to go home and get you cleaned up," Remus replied, ignoring Sirius' remark.


Once back at the Potter residence, James took charge of cleaning Sirius up, leading him upstairs into the bathroom. Lily and Remus waited downstairs in the kitchen. "Drinks?" Lily asked, eyeing Remus critically.

"Please."

Lily procured a bottle of whiskey from the Potters' liquor cabinet. Remus reached for the bottle, shakily pouring himself a glass. He brought the glass to his lips, chugging it down. He winced as he felt the burn of liquor down his throat.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked, grabbing the bottle and pouring herself a drink.

"No."

He poured himself another drink. "Why does he do this to himself?"

"I know it's hard, Rem, but- "

"What if I were to get as drunk as he is? Sirius loves a good hard shag when he's sloshed. He wouldn't remember if we..."

"Remus, you know you don't want it to be that way."

"Who cares? I just don't want him to keep hurting himself."

"What do you want, Remus? To let him hurt you instead?"

Remus sighed, shrugging his shoulders. "I know, you're right. I would never do that... I just. I hate it, Lils. I kept hoping that this is something he'd grow out of, but he keeps getting worse. All the drinking and the drugs and the fighting..." he sighed, lowering his head onto the table, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Mental illness isn't something that you just grow out of, Remus," Lily said warningly, a hint of coldness in her voice.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't mean it that way. Let me rephrase that. I thought that he'd have learned better ways to cope with and manage it, by now," he replied, lifting his head to face her.

Lily smiled. "Better. Sirius still hasn't come to terms with it. I've said it to you and James a million times already; Sirius has never, ever learned how to deal with anything."

"I still think you should tell him how you feel," she added.

"I keep telling you, it's not that simple," Remus sighed, reaching for the bottle of whiskey.

"Let's put this away before James comes back down. I think he's rather keen on the idea of sobering Sirius up some," Lily said softly, grabbing the bottle from out of Remus' reach. "I'll brew some coffee."

Remus grabbed the glasses from off the kitchen table, rinsing them in the sink. "Why are you so insistent on getting me to tell him, anyway?" he asked, glancing over at Lily as she measured out coffee beans.

She rolled her eyes, placing a hand on her right hip. "Because I love you, Remus, and I love Sirius, and I want to see the both of you happy," she stated.

"But what about James-"

"All James wants is to see Sirius with someone who makes him happy. Someone who keeps him safe, and brings out the best in him... not the worst," Lily interrupted.

The two froze as they heard the clambering of feet coming down the stairs.

"What'd we miss?" James asked, slinking his arm around Lily's waist and pecking a kiss on her cheek.

"Just brewing a pot of coffee," Lily replied, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Right, then. So, shall we watch a movie?" James asked, nodding towards the lounge.


After about an hour, Lily and James retired to James' room, presumably for some privacy. "How's your lip, Pads?" Remus asked, glancing at him from the couch. Sirius had curled into an armchair in the corner of the room, and had been staring down into his mug of coffee for nearly a half hour, his cell phone clenched in his right hand.

Sirius shrugged. "It's fine, I guess."

"You feeling alright?"

"He won't answer my texts."

Remus frowned. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I know you liked him."

"He's right, I guess."

"Right about what?"

"No one wants me. All I'm good for is a cheap lay."

Remus sighed heavily, watching as tears trickled down Sirius' cheeks.

"I don't want to be that guy, Moony. I don't. I try to be different, to be good... but this is all I'm good at and at least it's better than..." he trailed off, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

"Better than what, Pads?"

"Than being alone. I don't want to be alone."

Remus sighed. "It's getting late. You should get to bed... It's been a long night."

"Will you lay with me?" Sirius asked in a small voice.

"Of course," Remus agreed, rising to his feet. "Come on, then."

Remus helped Sirius undress, settling him into bed with a glass of water. "I'm not thirsty," he complained.

"You'll thank me in the morning, Pads. You've had a lot to drink. You'll have a nasty hangover."

Sirius sighed heavily. He reached towards his side table, grabbing his cell phone.

"You're not worthless, Sirius, I hope you know that," Remus said softly, nervously shoving his hands in his pockets.

Sirius shrugged. "I just wish I could have what James has. He's always been so sure about Lily. Always. And they're both crazy about each other. I want... I want someone to look at me like he looks at Lily. You know?" he asked, staring up at Remus.

Remus sighed. "Of course, but you're only nineteen, Sirius. You still have plenty of time to meet the right one for you."

Again, Sirius shrugged, staring down at his lap. "I guess so."


Remus woke to the sound of Sirius retching in the bathroom. "Sirius, you okay?" he called out, pausing at the bathroom door.

He carefully entered the room, stepping in to pull Sirius' hair from out of his face. "There there, get it all out," he said calmly, placing a reassuring hand on Sirius' back. "There ya go."

"Just kill me already," Sirius moaned, lowering his head to rest it on the toilet seat.

Remus procured a hair tie from the sink counter, pulling Sirius' hair up and out of his face. "Ta, mate," Sirius mumbled as he pulled himself up again in time to be sick into the toilet.

Remus returned to the bedroom, grabbing the now empty glass beside the bed. He went back into the bathroom, Sirius still heaving the contents of his stomach up. He filled the glass with water before turning his attention to the medicine cabinet. He procured a bottle of aspirin before turning his attention back to Sirius. "You think you got it all up?" he asked softly, gently placing his hand on his shoulder.

"Mhmm," Sirius nodded weakly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Here, for your head."

Sirius took the water and aspirin, chugging the four pills down with a gulp of water. "Easy now," Remus instructed, eyeing him with concern.

"Small sips. If you chug it, you'll be back in here throwing up again. Let your stomach settle."

Remus helped him back to bed, pulling the comforter down and covering him with only the sheet. "You're warm. Don't want you to overheat."

"Nurse Moony," Sirius laughed, snuggling up against his pillow.

Remus laughed. "I got loads of experience at school, taking care of you and James."

"Come lay with me?" Sirius asked softly.

"Okay," he agreed, climbing into bed beside him.

"Moony," Sirius mumbled, lacing his fingers with Remus'. "I'm tired."

"Try and get some rest, Pads. It's been a long night."


Sirius paused for a moment, breathing heavily, as he changed the track on his iPod. James had begged him to go for a run, and he had agreed, figuring that if nothing else it might rid himself of some pent up energy. Shoving the iPod back in his pocket, he resumed running, picking up his pace to catch up to James. "Christ, mate. I thought this was a leisurely jog around the track, not a track meet," Sirius joked, matching his stride with his friend's.

"You should quit smoking," James noted, grinning. "Maybe then you could keep up."

Sirius rolled his eyes; while James had been a football star all through school, Sirius had been just as athletic. However, while James was all about clean-living, Sirius was not. "I'm telling you, you can get enough of an adrenaline rush from good old fashioned exercise, Pads," James noted, shooting his friend an easy grin.

Sirius laughed. "I still prefer sex, drugs and rock and roll, Prongs."

James shook his head, grinning. "Don't forget driving fast on your motorbike."

"Of course! How could I forget that?"


Sirius slumped into a seat at the kitchen island, watching as James rummaged through the refrigerator. The pair had just returned from their run, and he was exhausted. "What are you making me, Jamie?" he asked expectantly, drumming his fingers on the counter-top.

"Green smoothies. To replenish our energy," James replied, procuring a container of fresh spinach from the vegetable crisper.

Sirius groaned, making a face. "Can you just make me a good smoothie, then? One with bananas and strawberries and yogurt?" he asked hopefully.

"You never said how your appointment went," James noted, changing the subject.

Sirius sighed heavily. "It went fine. She seemed like an alright sort, I suppose."

"Do you think she can help you?" James asked, closing the refrigerator.

Sirius frowned. "I don't know what you're inferring, Jamie. I'm fine."

James turned his head, shooting Sirius a disbelieving look.

"Why can't you just accept that I made a fucking mistake? I don't point out every stupid thing you've done," Sirius hissed, eyes glowering.

"Sirius," James said lowly, his expression serious. "You've been hospitalized nearly a dozen times in the past year. You're not taking care of yourself. We're worried because you keep doing these reckless things."

"Get off my case, James. How can you expect me to do any different when I feel like you're all just waiting at any given moment to point out my every flaw," Sirius scowled, arms folded against his chest.

"Sirius, it's not like that."

"Everyone is against me and I hate my fucking life," Sirius muttered, rising to his feet. Furiously, he stormed upstairs, slamming his bedroom door shut.

James sighed, resting his head against the kitchen counter. Bloody stubborn git.


James frowned, searching for his phone charger. Ugh, must have left it at Lily's. He heard the water running in the bathroom. Sirius must still be in the shower. "Oi, Sirius," he called out, rapping lightly on the door. "I left my charger at Lily's. Got a spare I could use?"

"Yeah, sure. It's in my desk somewhere," Sirius' called out, his voice faint against the dull thud of water against tile.

James entered Sirius' room, carefully stepping over the clutter of discarded clothing on the floor. He rummaged through Sirius' desk, searching for a charger. After checking the first drawer, he opened the next, carefully sorting through the jumbled mess. As he removed a pile of papers, he caught a glimpse of the university's letterhead. What's this? He unfolded the letter, quickly scanning it. James' stomach dropped, his hands shaking, letter still clutched in his right hand. Mandatory medical leave. "Fuck," he whispered, folding the letter back up and returning it to where he'd found it. Fuck. He quickly left the room, all thoughts of finding a charger forgotten. Numbly, he grabbed his phone, hastily typing out a message: We need to talk about Sirius. ASAP.