"So what's going on?" Lily asked expectantly, staring at James from across the kitchen table.
The three had gathered at Remus' to discuss the latest Sirius incident. "I found a letter from uni in his desk," James started, frowning.
"And? Has he been suspended? Did he fail out? What is it?" Remus asked, eyeing him intently.
James sighed. "He's been put out on a mandatory medical leave."
"Why?" Remus pressed.
James shrugged. "I don't bloody know. If I did, I'd be home talking to him about it. This is a total blindside," he retorted, a slightly panicked tone to his voice.
Lily frowned, staring down into her cup of tea. "Lily?" James asked softly.
As a chemistry major, Lily had the most interaction with Sirius on campus, due to the overlapping core curriculum. "There were mutterings about him last term. He was showing up late to class or not showing up at all, clothes in disarray. Mary took biochemistry with him and told me he'd come to class high, get bloody noses and all." She frowned. "There was a lot of talk when he got out of the hospital. It didn't help that he made no attempt to cover up his bandages. Everyone was talking about how he slashed his wrists open. Severus was particularly unkind."
Remus paled, staring down into his tea. "So what does a medical leave mean? Is it going to keep him from returning to university?" he asked.
Lily frowned. "I dunno. I know people who have taken voluntary medical leaves, but never mandatory ones. I assume he'll have to get medically cleared before he can return."
"Why wouldn't he tell us?" James asked sadly.
Lily sighed. "He's probably embarrassed. You know how Sirius is, he's a perfectionist. He can't deal with things not turning out the way he wants."
"But ignoring it isn't helping matters! What are we going to do?" James insisted, smacking the kitchen table with the palm of his hand.
Lily sighed. "I don't know, James!"
"You're the cr-" he paused, staring fearfully at Lily's menacing expression.
"What were you about to say?" she asked, her green eyes shooting daggers at him.
"I... Lily I didn't mean, it slipped out, I-"
"No, no... Go ahead and finish what you were saying, James," she hissed, her lips curling into a scowl.
James glanced helplessly from Remus to Lily, his lower lip quivering. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"I'm the crazy one, right? That's what you were going to say, isn't it?" she screamed, her face distorting into an expression of total disgust.
"Of course I must know what to do and how to handle this situation, since I'm crazy Lily Evans."
"Lily, please, I didn't mean-"
"Fuck you, James," she spat, rising to her feet.
"Lily, I don't think he really meant..." Remus started, eyeing her cautiously.
"I expected better from you, James. I thought you understood. How dare you demean my personal struggle by writing it off as being crazy. I'm not crazy, James. I have a mental illness. So does Sirius. This attitude you have, that you've so arrogantly displayed towards me is exactly why Sirius doesn't trust you enough to confide in you."
"You don't suggest that we just tell him we found the letter, do you?" James asked, mouth agape. "He'd go ballistic."
"He'll be angrier the long run if you keep it from him, James! It's his life! You found out something personal about him inadvertently. He has a right to know that you know."
"I don't think we should just out and out tell him without having a plan as to how to cope with the fallout," Remus noted meekly, looking to James for confirmation.
Lily shook her head, disgusted. "The sooner we break the news to him, the sooner he can come to terms with the reality of his situation and we can start helping him."
"How are we supposed to help him with this, Lils? I mean... He's been barred from returning to university," James said lowly.
"We encourage him to seek help. Remind him that we're here to support him, no matter what. He needs to be able to trust us and feel safe with us. A negative reaction could push him into another whirlwind of self-destructive behavior," she explained, her arms limply hanging at her sides.
"I think it's a bit late to prevent the whole self-destructive behavior thing, don't you think?" James noted, peering at her from over his cup of tea.
"You don't have a clue, James. There's so much about him that you don't know the first thing about," Lily said calmly, shaking her head.
"He's my best mate, my brother. What are you talking about?" James asked, his brows furrowed.
Lily laughed, still shaking her head. "You have no idea how far down he could sink, James. He... He tries to keep things from you. The bad things. The ugly sides of him," she continued.
James glanced at Remus, who nodded his head. "She's right, James. You really don't know the half of Sirius' dark, self-destructive side."
"Sirius," Lily said softly, lightly rapping on his door-frame. James was at football practice, giving her a prime opportunity of privacy to speak with Sirius.
"What's up, Lils?" he asked, glancing up from his laptop. "James is at football practice, I think."
"Can we talk?" she asked, taking a step into the room.
"Sure," he agreed, shutting the laptop closed and placing it beside him. "What's up?"
"James found a letter from university in your desk," she said calmly, deciding it would be best to be forward about the matter.
Sirius remained silent for a moment, realization dawning on his face. He stared at her, waiting for her to continue.
"He told Remus and I, not sure about how he should react. But I thought you deserved to know that we're all aware," she concluded, nervously toying with a strand of her coppery locks.
"Nice to see my best mate has been sneaking around behind my back," Sirius scoffed, shaking his head.
"Sirius, you have a right to be angry. I can empathize with where you're coming from. But he only did what he did out of love. He wanted to get our advice first on how to react and broach the subject with you. You know James is shite at reacting to things. He didn't want to make things worse."
Sirius nodded, still frowning. "Right, then."
"Are you angry at us?"
"No."
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, hopefully.
"Nope," he sneered, arms folded against his chest.
Lily sighed. "Sirius, I just-"
"Would you mind giving me some privacy, Lils? I don't feel much like having company, right now," he interrupted, shooting her a pointed look.
Lily sighed. "Of course. But Sirius please, can you do something for me?"
"What?"
"Promise me you'll be safe?" she choked, tears welling up in her eyes. "I know when you're angry and upset you can be... just stay safe tonight, please."
Sirius nodded dismissively, pointedly looking towards the door. "You can go now."
Sirius wasn't sure whether he felt so empty because of the things he did or if he resorted to such behavior to feel anything besides the numbness. He wondered if it even made a difference, anymore. After he was certain Lily had left, he punched his wall, nearly breaking through the plaster. Of course they know. He groaned, running his fingers through his long raven locks. He couldn't stand even the thought of his friends huddled together, discussing him and what to do with him. Not tonight. With a collective sigh, he rummaged through the bottom drawer of his desk, searching for the tools of the trade: an old jewel case, shallow grooves cut into the plastic from routine use of a razor blade against it; a razor blade, still lightly coated with powder (sanitation had never been a concern to him); a small piece of a straw, hastily chopped from a regular drinking straw (easier to toss and less conspicuous than the snuff tube he'd kept at his parents' house); a small baggie of cocaine, kept for emergencies like these. Carefully, he dumped the contents of the baggie onto the jewel case, ensuring not a single speck was lost to his carpet. He chopped up the coke with the razor, arranging the slightly off-white powder into three neat lines, side by side. Without a moment of hesitation, he brought the straw to one nostril, inhaling the first line. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. A small smile etched across his face; everything is perfect. He immediately snorted the rest, feeling a wave of relief as a gentle hum coursed through his veins. He grabbed his phone, scrolling through his list of contacts. Nate. Hastily, he typed out a quick message, pressing send: I want you. You home?
Not even bothering to wait for a response, he hurried downstairs and out the door, hopping onto his motorbike. The short drive downtown took less than fifteen minutes, Sirius speeding the entire way. He smiled contently as the wind swept his hair back, focusing on nothing but his current high. He arrived at the brownstone in record time, again reaching for his phone from out of his pocket. Here. A moment later, the front door swung open, Nate eyeing hum hungrily. "Hey, baby," he greeted him, grabbing Sirius and kissing him on the lips.
Sirius kept his mouth shut, lightly pushing the brown haired boy away from him. "No talking," he said sharply, shooting him a dangerous look.
Nate nodded, understanding. He led Sirius upstairs, barely able to lock his door shut before Sirius pounced on him, fingernails ripping deeply into his pale flesh. "Take off your clothes," Sirius ordered, his lips curled into a snarl.
As the boy undressed, Sirius watched, undoing his belt and unbuttoning his jeans, lazily pulling his cock out from his pants. "Prepare yourself for me," he said calmly, roughly stroking himself.
As soon as he finished, Sirius rose to his feet, using Nate's t shirt to wipe himself off. "Thanks for the shag," he called over his shoulder, pulling his pants and jeans back on.
He glanced down at his front, taking note of the cum stain on the hem of his t shirt; he couldn't be bothered with completely undressing. Not for him, not for this. Sirius had not been looking for a connection, for romance, for anything vaguely connected to either of those things. Not tonight. Tonight, Sirius had been looking for a release, and nothing was more effective than a good hard shag with someone who could take the roughness in stride. "Where are you going, I thought we could hang out," Nate called from the bed, his body still spent, sprawled out face-first on the mattress.
"Ta, Nate. Good shag, as always. I'll call you."
With a quick wave of his hand, he made his way out of the room and down the stairs, heading back out into the darkness, hopping on his bike.
Remus smiled as Jack cuddled up beside him on the couch, resting his head on Remus' shoulder. Jack. Remus and Jack had been friends for quite some time now. They had met in a poetry seminar their first semester. A fellow lit major, Jack had red hair and freckles and liked to read Proust and wore cardigans with his skinny jeans and converse high tops. Jack was safe, easy to be with. "I ordered takeaway for us," Remus said softly, smiling as he felt Jack's warm breath tickling his neck. "What do you feel like watching?"
Jack sighed, thoughtful. "You have a copy of Running With Scissors, don't you? We were talking about that in my memoir seminar, and it put me in the mood to watch it," Jack said lightly, kissing Remus' neck.
Remus blushed lightly, rising to his feet. "Yeah, it's in my room I think. Let me go rummage around my closet," he called out over his shoulder as he made his way towards his bedroom.
He sighed, carefully scanning through his DVD collection. Jack. While he did like jack, did find him interesting and attractive, he wasn't Sirius. Thankfully, Jack was the understanding sort. He accepted Remus' insistence that they keep their arrangement casual. In fact, Remus mused, we work rather splendidly as friends with benefits. They could just as easily enjoy one another's company reading and working on a paper at the coffee house as they could in the bedroom. Remus heard a knocking on the front door. "Could you get that, Jack? It's already paid for," he called out.
Sirius was unsure how he had ended up at Remus' doorstep. One minute, he'd been at the liquor store buying a pint, the next he'd been throwing the bottle into the street, empty. Now, here he was. He knocked easily, swaying slightly as he waited for Remus to answer the door. He froze, shocked, as a redhead answered the door, a similarly surprised expression on his face. "You're not Remus," Sirius observed, carefully scrutinizing the boy before him. Cardigan. Chucks. Skinny jeans. Slowly, realization dawned on him.
"Ah, right then," Sirius muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets. He has someone over. Company. A date. "Sorry for disturbing you, I'll just... right." He turned around, hurriedly making for the staircase. Dunno why I'm surprised. Of course he sees people.
"Who was at the door?" Remus asked, disc in hand.
"I don't know," Jack replied, a quizzical expression on his face. "Some guy. Tall, black hair. Combat boots. He seemed a little off."
Remus sucked in a breath, visibly paling.
"Rem, you alright?" Jack asked, concerned.
Remus nodded, lowering himself to the couch. "Friend of yours?" Jack asked lightly, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Yeah," Remus agreed, staring down at the floor. God, be okay.
"A special friend?" Jack asked.
Remus laughed. "No, no, nothing like that. He's just one of my close mates from boarding school. He's..." he trailed off, unsure how to explain.
"You want him to be more than a friend?" Jack asked softly.
"This is definitely weird for us to talk about, right?" Remus asked, burying his face in his hands, heat radiating from his cheeks.
"We're friends, Remus. I have no misconceptions about us... we're friends who happen to have sex. You can talk to me about it if there's someone you fancy."
God, he's wonderful. Why can't I just like someone like Jack? He's so simple. So kind and not complicated. "You're a bloody saint, Jack," Remus muttered.
"What's holding you back?" he asked. "Is he a drug addict, something like that?"
"Why would you say that?" Remus asked, eyeing him suspiciously.
"I'm not judging, just... he was definitely on something," Jack replied, shrugging.
Remus nodded. "It's just complicated. he's... he's borderline. And we've known each other forever and he does... things... that make it hard for me to even consider telling him how I feel," he said slowly, wringing his hands miserably in his lap.
"Is he going to be okay? If you need to go check on him or something, I understand."
"No, no. We're hanging out... Sirius can take care of himself," Remus replied, shaking his head furiously. Damn you Sirius Black. God damn you. He produced his phone from his pocket, hastily texting Lily: Sirius showed up here. Probably high. Jack answered the door and he bolted. HELP.
Lily parked her car in the parking lot of a dingy pub, having driven around town for nearly an hour, checking all of Sirius' usual haunts. The sight of his motorbike comforted her slightly. He's probably still here, at least. She checked her phone for any messages, finding none. God damn it, Sirius. I asked you to stay safe. She sighed heavily, tucking her phone into her back pocket, as she made her way to the entrance. At the bar, she caught sight of Sirius' familiar black hair, hanging loosely down his back. "Sirius," she called out, taking a step toward him.
Sirius turned his head, hearing his name. "What?" he asked dully, his expression blank.
Lily bit her lip, struggling to maintain her composure. He's drunk. Really drunk. "You weren't answering your phone," she replied, taking a seat beside him at the bar.
"Just a seltzer water, please," she chirped to the bartender, who rolled his eyes at her, but obliged.
"What do you want, Lily?" Sirius muttered, taking a deep sip from his glass.
"I thought you might like company," she said lightly, offering him a warm smile.
"I told you I wanted to be left alone," he retorted, motioning to the bartender to bring him another drink.
"Funny, I thought I asked you to stay safe, so I guess we both broke our promises," she said sharply, a single eyebrow raised.
Sirius shrugged, raising his freshened drink to his lips. "Whatever," he muttered.
"Sirius, your nose is bleeding," Lily observed, catching sight of a droplet of blood falling from his right nostril.
Sirius wiped his nose with his sleeve, leaving a smear of blood on his shirt. "You're upset with us," Lily started, taking a small sip of her drink.
"I don't care. So you all know I'm crazy; so fucking what?"
"You're not crazy, Sirius. You're just... You have an illness. I want to help you, we want to help you. Please," she pleaded.
"I don't need help, I'm fine," he slurred, draining the contents of his glass.
"Sirius, you're totally pissed. Come on, let me drive you home."
"No. I don't want to."
"Why did you bolt from Remus' place?" she asked suddenly.
Sirius glared at her, motioning for another drink. "He had company," he noted sourly, scowling. "I didn't want to intrude."
"Did it bother you, seeing he had someone over?" Lily asked, a single eyebrow raised.
"I don't care. It's his life. If he wants to fuck some ginger nerd, that's his business," he snapped, raising his glass to his lips.
"Do you like Remus?" she pressed, staring intently at him.
"Define like," Sirius slurred, reaching for his drink and spilling half the glass down his front. "Shit," he mumbled, staring down helplessly.
"Come on, let me take you home," Lily said softly, grabbing a fistful of bar napkins and pressing them to the wet spot on Sirius' shirt. "Tab, please?" she asked, nodding towards the bartender.
Sirius woke to a blinding migraine, an obvious indication of a hangover. How did I even get home? The entire evening before was a blur to him. He clutched his head with his right hand, silently willing the throbbing to stop. He forced himself to sit up a bit, the tiniest bit of movement increasing the pain in his head tenfold. A wave of nausea hit him, sending him rushing to the toilet, heaving up the contents of his stomach. He winced as bile burnt his throat. Fuck. I didn't even drink that much.
James knocked on the door. "You okay, mate?" He asked.
"Feel like shite," Sirius called back, using one hand to keep his balance against the sink counter, while he applied pressure to his temples with the other.
The bathroom door opened with a slight creak. James frowned, observing his friend. "Drinking on an empty stomach again, Pads?"
Sirius shrugged. "I ate."
James rolled his eyes. "A candy bar isn't a meal and you know it, Sirius. Cut the shit."
Sirius turned his attention back to the toilet, gagging as he heaved up another mouthful of stomach bile.
"Charming, Padfoot," James said dryly, his nostrils flared in disgust.
"I didn't ask you to watch," Sirius muttered, wiping sick from his mouth with his arm.
"You know this just proves my point. You're not taking care of yourself."
Sirius sighed heavily, staring back at James, defeated. "You're right. I'm not."
James remained silent, taken aback by Sirius' agreement. Normally he'd make a big production of this, denying it to the bitter end.
"Lily told me you found the letter from uni in my desk," Sirius stated accusingly.
James remained silent, observing Sirius guiltily.
"Oh don't look at me like that, James. How could you?"
"Sirius, I'm sorry, I-"
"You're supposed to be my brother. And you went to them about it instead of coming to me," Sirius said incredulously, the hurt apparent in his eyes.
"I was afraid of how you would react if I told you I'd found it. I thought you might... take the news badly."
Sirius shrugged. "I probably would have. But still... you're my family, James. If you can't look past my issues and at least try to talk to me about it, who am I supposed to trust?"
James bit his lip, struggling to hold back tears. "Sirius, I-"
"I don't have anyone but you, James. I know I'm difficult and awful but I just... if you don't want to deal with me, just say it. I'll leave. I don't need to stay here if-"
James interrupted Sirius by wrapping his arms around him, hugging him tightly. "You're my family, Sirius. For always. Don't... don't fucking think for even a second that I don't love you, don't want you here. You're my brother."
"I just hate feeling so alone," Sirius whispered, tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks.
"You're not alone, Sirius. You have me. My mum loves you like her own flesh and blood. Dad too. Lily loves you to pieces. And Remus. I know your parents were shite and being disowned was hard, but you're never alone Sirius. We're your family now."
The two hugged for a moment longer, both struggling to choke back tears. "Do you want to talk about what's going on? If you don't, it's okay," James said slowly, removing his glasses and wiping his eyes with his sleeve.
Sirius nodded. "No, it's okay. We should probably talk."
The two settled into Sirius' bedroom, Sirius crawling into bed and under his comforter, James taking a seat at the foot of the bed. "What do you want to know?" Sirius asked lowly, comforter pulled up to his chin.
"Whatever you want to tell me."
Sirius sighed. "I wasn't sleeping much last semester. I'd skip lectures, show up late for labs. People in my program were a bit... put off by my behavior. I was acting crazy," he started, refusing to meet James' eye.
"You're not crazy, Padfoot," James said firmly.
Sirius shrugged. "It's okay, Prongs. Really. I just.. I dunno. I know that Lily is always telling me that I have a mental disorder, but I've never felt mentally disordered; I just feel crazy. I was dating whatshisname, Chris? I think. We were doing a ton of blow, so I was just speeding constantly. At the time, I thought I was keeping it under wraps pretty well, but in hindsight I know I wasn't. Everyone in my program knew I was fucked up..." he paused, frowning.
James waited patiently, nodding for him to continue.
"Chris and I were fighting a lot. He broke up with me because obviously I was acting crazy... Crazier than I am when I'm not using. Then I slashed my wrists. Everyone found out. I had to have a meeting with my adviser, because they were concerned about my ability to handle the work... And my mental status, I guess. They saw me as a liability, I suppose. Apparently I'm a danger to myself and others," he laughed bitterly.
"How long do they want you out on a medical leave?"
"Dunno. At least the semester. I didn't bother reading the entire letter," Sirius replied, shrugging.
James nodded. "How are you feeling?"
Sirius shrugged. "Numb."
"What can I do to help?" James asked, his lips drawn tight.
Sirius stared blankly. "I don't know. Get Mark to respond to my texts?"
James frowned. "I wasn't going to get into this with you, but since you brought it up... you can do so much better than him, Sirius."
Sirius rolled his eyes.
"No, listen to me. He hit you, Sirius."
"I hit him first," Sirius countered, shrugging.
"Doesn't matter. You still deserve better."
"Maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone," he muttered, staring down at his lap.
"Hey, don't say that," James said softly, gently reaching forward to place a hand on Sirius' shoulder.
"It's true. I'm a right wanker, James. I know it, you know it. Everyone does. I shagged half the birds and blokes in our year back at school. I'm a slut. That's all I'm good for," Sirius said miserably, staring dejectedly down at his lap.
"Sirius-"
"Everyone gets tired of me, James. I'm too much to deal with."
"Sirius you don't really believe that, do you?" James asked softly.
"You have no idea what it's like. You have Lily, who worships the ground you walk on. Everyone has someone else and I have no one."
"You have your friends, Pads. You'll find someone. You're only nineteen."
Sirius sniffled. "That's what Moony said."
"Have some faith, Pads. You'll find someone who loves you for the amazing person you are."
"Maybe," he muttered, disbelievingly.
