Sirius fidgeted in a chair in Dr. Fairgood's waiting room. Out of guilt or desperation, he had gone ahead and scheduled a second appointment. He removed his phone from his pocket, glancing at the time. 1:55 PM. His appointment was scheduled for 2 PM. Still have time to leave. He glanced at the front door, sighing heavily. I'm so fucking tired. A week had passed since he'd spoken to James about his mandatory medical leave from university, and he'd slept maybe a total of six hours in that time frame. Much to Sirius' chagrin, James had hovered over him, barely giving him a moment to himself. Not that I blame him. I suppose I haven't proven myself to be particularly trustworthy, as of late.

"Sirius?" a cheerful female voice called out, pulling Sirius back into reality.

"Yeah," he replied, rising to his feet.

"I'm ready for you," Dr. Fairgood noted, motioning for him to follow her.

Sirius lowered himself onto the couch he'd sat at during his last appointment.

"How are you feeling today, Sirius?" Dr. Fairgood asked, settling down behind her desk.

"Lousy," he replied, staring down at the carpet.

"What makes you say that?"

"Haven't been sleeping. My friends all think I'm crazy and a danger to myself."

"Why haven't you been sleeping?" Dr. Fairgood asked, eyeing him curiously. "When is the last time you slept?"

"I slept for maybe two hours yesterday... I just can't sleep. I try, but I just end up lying in bed staring up at the ceiling and thinking about how pointless my entire life is."

"Why don't you tell me about what's gone on since our last meeting?" Dr. Fairgood suggested, hastily scribbling something down onto her notepad.

"My boyfriend broke up with me. Twice, actually. He tried to break up with me the first time and we got into a fight. Then we got back together and broke up again. This time for good, I suppose," Sirius noted, staring down at the floor.

"When you say fight, do you mean you had an argument?"

"Sort of," Sirius muttered. "We've you know... Hit each other before."

Fairgood observed him for a minute, her expression unreadable. "Would you say that sort of behavior is normal for you, getting into physical fights?"

Sirius shrugged. "Sometimes," he agreed. "I get angry."

Fairgood nodded, writing something down. "Did anything else happen?"

"We broke up at a party. He was nagging me about drinking... I got mad and threw a bottle at the wall... We ended up fighting again... My friend had to pull me away from him..." Sirius muttered, nervously toying with his hair.

"My friends found out about the letter from uni," he added, hastily changing the subject.

"How did they take the news?"

Sirius frowned, crossing his arms against his chest. "James found the letter in my desk. He didn't come to me about it... Went and told his girlfriend and Remus."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Hurt. Angry. I don't know... Just... Lousy."

Fairgood nodded, scribbling something down onto her pad. "Did you tell James that?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. He apologized. But still... I feel crazy. And he doesn't understand that him tiptoeing around me isn't helping any."

"What do you mean by crazy?"

Sirius sighed, fidgeting in his chair. "I don't know," he huffed, running his fingers through his hair. "I just... I alternate between feeling like I wish I was dead and feeling amazing and there's just no middle ground and I don't know how to articulate exactly what I'm feeling." He sighed again, clenching his fists. "I get these urges or something, where I don't even think about what I'm doing or what the consequences might be, I just do it and I don't understand why I'm compelled to do the things I do."

Dr. Fairgood scribbled something down, nodding her head thoughtfully. "What sort of urges do you have?"

"Just stuff," Sirius shrugged.

"Can you give me an example of a time where you had an urge to do something, tell me what might have triggered the urge and what you did?" she asked calmly, offering him a warm smile.

"James' girlfriend Lily came to see me and told me that James found the letter from uni. I didn't want to think about anything, about him telling our friends about it, so I did a couple lines of blow. And went and fucked some bloke."

Fairgood nodded. "You wanted to block out thoughts of your friends discussing something personal about you?" she asked.

Sirius nodded. "I guess so... I just didn't want to think about anything."

"The guy you went to see... Was it an ex boyfriend?"

Sirius shook his head no. "Nah. Just this guy I casually shag. I wanted to..." he trailed off, staring down at his feet. Fuck the pain away? Maybe. Probably.

"Do you practice safe sex?"

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "Condoms are for sailors," he laughed, shooting her his signature smirk.

"How many partners do you have, Sirius?"

"I don't know... I don't keep track. I don't really plan out sex, doc. If I get caught up in the moment, I go with it."

"Did anything else happen that night?" she asked, eyeing him intently.

Sirius' eyes darkened as he recounted the night in question. Remus. "I went to my mate Remus' place... he had some ginger bloke there on a date or something. Had him answer the door. So I left. Went to the pub."

"You seem angry. Were you upset that he was busy when you wanted to talk? Or that he had another man over?"

Sirius shrugged. "I didn't say I was angry," he muttered.

"You left without speaking to your friend, though?" Fairgood prompted.

"Yeah. Didn't want to intrude," he said darkly, glaring.

"Were you ever intimate with Remus?" she asked suddenly.

"No," Sirius replied, digging his fingernails into his thighs. "Remus is... I... I feel safe with Remus. He knows how to deal with me when I'm acting crazy," he stammered, gazing about the room helplessly.

Fairgood nodded. "I understand you've previously seen therapists. Tell me about prior treatment you've had."

Sirius sighed. "Can't you just read my chart?" he muttered darkly.

"I want to know what you thought of prior treatment, what worked and what didn't, so that I can more effectively come up with a treatment plan for you, Sirius."

"I was in group therapy, before. That was a waste of time. I hated it."

"What did you not like about it?"

"It was just a hodgepodge of screwed up kids flung into a room together. Everyone was there for a different reason so it just... I couldn't relate to anyone there."

Fairgood nodded, scribbling furiously onto her pad. "Anything else?"

"I was in residential treatment for an eating disorder when I was seventeen. Again, group therapy was pointless. I didn't like CBT. I didn't like being told that I was wrong and that what I thought and felt was incorrect."

Again, Fairgood nodded, waiting for him to continue.

"I've been prescribed Prozac, Wellbutrin, Xanax, Seroquel, and Paxil. Xanax was the only thing that's ever helped me."

"Why were you prescribed Seroquel?"

"Mood disorder. The doctors never decided precisely what it was, but they figured a mood stabilizer would fix me up nicely," Sirius muttered, frowning.

"How did it effect you?"

"It turned me into a fucking zombie. I could barely function."

"What were you prescribed antidepressants for?"

"They put me on Prozac after a suicide attempt. It resulted in another suicide attempt, so I was taken off of it shortly after. Paxil was paired with the Xanax to treat my anxiety and depression. Wellbutrin was supposed to treat minor depression and assist in my recovery from anorexia. I don't like antidepressants. They don't work for me. And you aren't supposed to drink while on them so... They're not an option for me," he replied, his lips curled into a scowl.

"Would you say you drink a lot?" she asked, eyeing him curiously.

"What would be a lot?" he asked, continuing to scowl.

"Do you drink every day?" she prompted.

"Sometimes."

"Do you drink alone?"

"Sometimes."

"Have you ever blacked out from drinking?"

"No." Yes.

"Do you drink when you're angry or sad?"

"Duh," Sirius muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Would you say that you self-medicate with alcohol to cope with unpleasant feelings?" she pressed, her eyes boring holes into his own.

Sirius remained silent, his face going blank. The pair sat in silence for several minutes, Sirius avoiding eye contact with Dr. Fairgood.

"Sirius?" she asked gently.

"I don't know," he mumbled, wringing his hands in his lap. "I don't know."


"How has he been?" Lily asked calmly over a cup of coffee.

James shrugged. "I don't know... Quiet. He's mostly just moped around the house all week. Hasn't gone out much. Except to go to the liquor store, I suppose," he noted, laughing bitterly.

"He had a right to know, James."

"I know. But it should have been me going to him about it. He was so hurt by it, Lils. You have no idea..." James sighed, staring down into his mug. "He made an appointment with his therapist, at least. He has an appointment today."

Lily nodded. "That's good. I mean, at least he's seeing someone."

"Thank you for driving him home that night, by the way," James noted, his eyes still focused on the milky swirls in his coffee.

"Of course. He wasn't fit to get himself home."

"He's really lonely, Lily."

"What makes you say that?" Lily asked curiously.

"When he talked to me about... Everything... He said as much. That he has no one and that no one will ever want him."

"Remus is in love with him," Lily blurted out, barely thinking before the words escaped her lips.

James stared at her a moment, taken aback. "I beg your pardon?" he asked, shooting her a confused look.

"Remus. He's been in love with Sirius for a while, now."

"How do you know this?"

"Because we bloody talked about it a million times before! He pines over him, James. Like how you pined over me for years until I decided to date your sorry arse," Lily retorted, rolling her eyes.

"Did he... does Sirius..." James trailed off, visibly still trying to process this development.

"He doesn't know. But I think Sirius may fancy Remus. Thought even he may not realize that he does," Lily replied, taking a deep sip of her coffee.

James wrinkled his nose. "What do you mean?"

"When I found Sirius at the pub, he was drunk. Like way drunk. He showed up at Remus' place before that," she began, taking another sip of coffee.

"If he was at Remus' why would he leave? Usually Moony gets him to stay put when he's in a bad way," James noted, frowning.

"Remus didn't answer the door, a friend he had over did."

James nodded, his jaw clenching slightly. "So he was upset that Remus..."

"Yeah," Lily confirmed. "He immediately assumed Remus was sleeping with the guy. Got pretty angry about it."

James nodded.

"I asked him if he liked Remus."

James eyed her curiously. "And?" he prompted.

"He asked me to define like," she replied, sighing.

"Lils... I knew Remus was bent, but if he's had a thing for Sirius for so long, how come he never... you know. I mean, everyone slept with Sirius back in school," James stammered, obviously uncomfortable with the subject at hand.

"He thought you'd kill him if he tried to make a move on Sirius. Something about ruining the group dynamic or some shite like that," Lily replied, rolling her eyes. "I told him he was being a prat and to just tell Sirius how he feels."

"I'm afraid he'd hurt him," James said softly, again staring miserably into his coffee mug.

Lily frowned. "Remus would never hurt him, James," she said sharply.

"I know," James replied sadly, glancing up at her. "I meant Sirius might hurt him."

Lily sighed. "I think with the right person, Sirius wouldn't feel the need to go out and-"

"Shag half of London?" James interrupted.

"James," Lily started, shaking her head, "he's not that-"

"He's promiscuous, Lily. And though I may not know all of the sordid details of Sirius' deviance, I know enough to feel certain that a new relationship won't suddenly quell all of Sirius' impulsive behavior."

"If he feels secure in the relationship, he might stop with all of that," Lily prompted.

"I want Sirius to be happy, and I do think that Remus would be good for him... But I don't think he should be in a relationship until he's worked out some of his issues. He'll just hurt them both if he's still carrying on as he's been," James concluded, frowning.

"But what if he needs to have someone in his life to give him that push to want to get help and work on himself?"

"Lily, I love you, and I love that you're obviously trying to advocate for Sirius, but I really don't think we should push Remus to tell Sirius he's in love with him. You've seen Sirius lately. He's drinking heavily and he's using, again. It wouldn't be fair to push those two into a relationship and leave Remus to deal with the burden of all the drugs and the drinking... It's too much for any one person to deal with."

Lily raised her eyebrows, startled by James' frank words.

"I'm not so daft as you think, Lils. I know when Sirius is doing coke."

"He's been drinking a lot this past week?"

James nodded grimly. "If the dozen empty pints of Jack in the recycling are any indication, I'd say so."

"Christ. Has he at least stopped moping over that prat Mark?" Lily asked dryly.

"I think so. Suppose he's been in such a foul mood over... Remus..."

The couple exchanged looks. "Tell him that it's okay for him to fancy Sirius. He'd want to hear it from you," Lily said calmly, her green eyes boring holes into James' light brown ones. "Even if you have to give him your silly speech about needing to wait until Sirius is more stable to pursue him... He needs to know it's okay."

James nodded. "I just... I don't mind telling him all that Lils, but I don't want him to get hurt. He's one of my best mates. Sirius is my brother and I love him to pieces, but he can be a right bastard to people who get close to him... Rem deserves better than to be treated as a fuck toy by him."

"I suppose we shouldn't interfere, then," Lily replied, pouting.

"Back burner for now, love?" James suggested.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Fine."

"You're really keen on playing matchmaker, aren't you?"

Lily sighed. "I want to see two of my best friends happy. It's destroying Remus watching Sirius abuse himself like he does, James. Something has to give. I still think Remus would be a world of good for him. But I'll stay mum about it for now."


Sirius sat in his car, staring out the window. He'd finished his session nearly fifteen minutes prior, but had yet to muster the motivation to leave the doctor's parking lot. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Hey. He sighed, staring at the screen for a minute. Remus. He hadn't spoken to Remus since that night. Not intentionally. Just been busy. He typed back a reply, immediately grabbing for a pack of cigarettes from his other pocket. He lit one, inhaling just as his phone vibrated again. How are you? Haven't heard from you in a bit. Sirius sighed heavily, exhaling a plume of smoke. Therapy had ended on a bad note, putting him in a foul mood, and Remus' attempt at subtlety was aggravating. He hastily typed back a response, pressing send: I know you know about my mandatory medical leave, so you can stop pretending, now. He scrolled through his contacts, stopping at Nate Milgore's name; he needed a release, and he needed it now. He pressed the call button, raising the phone to his ear. "Hey, you busy?" he asked, turning his key in the ignition of his car. He put the car in reverse, backing up out of the parking space, beginning to navigate in the direction of Nate's home. "I'll see you in ten?" he asked, pushing the sun visor down to block the harsh summer rays from his eyes. "Alright, great. See you then." He ended the call, dropping the phone down on the passenger seat. He heard the familiar sound of the phone vibrating. Remus must have replied. He shrugged, staring out at the road. I'll deal with him later.

Sirius arrived at Nate's house, quickly parking and making towards the door. Nate met him at the door, offering him a broad grin. "Hey," he greeted him, kissing Sirius lightly on the lips.

"Bed, yeah?" Sirius retorted, clapping the brown haired boy on the back and motioning towards the stairs.

The two clambered up the steps, Sirius leading Nate by the arm. He wrapped his arms around him, pulling Nate into a deep embrace. Sirius kissed him hungrily, shoving the shorter boy onto the bed, their teeth clashing together as Sirius pressed his lips to his, hands gripping his wrists, holding him down on the bed. Nate stared up at him, his light brown eyes shining brightly. "What do you want, Siri?" he asked playfully.

Sirius smacked him across the face, his palm radiating in pain from the force used. "I'm in the mood to destroy something," Sirius replied, pulling Nate upward, into a sitting position. "Can you help me with that?" he asked softly, offering Nate a rare smile.

"Of c-course, Siri, whatever you want," he stuttered, smiling warmly back at him.

"Good," Sirius retorted, grabbing the boy by the shoulder and shoving him back down onto his back. He leaned forward, hovering over the boy, gently tracing Nate's collarbone with his tongue. He grabbed Nate's wrists, pinning them above his head. He heard Nate's breathing labor as he moved up his neck, lazily licking right below his Adam's apple. "I want you," Sirius whispered, his lips hot against Nate's cool smooth skin. Without a moment of hesitation, he bit down on his neck, sinking his teeth into the pale flesh. Nate uttered a frantic groan, struggling to pull his right arm from where Sirius had pinned it.

Sirius let go of his wrists, still leaning over him, nimbly unbuttoning Nate's shirt. "Since when do you wear oxford shirts? Did Mummy and Daddy tell you it's time for you to live up to your posh upbringing?" he sneered, ducking down to bite his neck, again.

Nate mumbled something incomprehensible, his free hand snaking down to his waist, disappearing beneath the waistband of his jeans. Sirius smacked his hand, rising to his feet. "None of that," he scolded, viciously tearing the shirt off of Nate, splitting it in two. "You don't get off until I do."


Sirius groaned as he thrust forward, one knee resting on the bed, his other foot on the ground, giving him better leverage as he pounded himself into Nate, who was hanging limply like a rag doll, needing Sirius' assistance to remain upright. God, I need a cigarette. He wiped sweat from his brow with the back of his right hand, his left still wrapped firmly around Nate's neck. Glad I took him from behind. I'm sure he's making the most annoying, pathetic facial expressions. He grabbed Nate around the waist with his right hand, pulling him closer. He thrust again, biting down on his shoulder. He breathed in heavily, taking in the scent of sweat, salt, Nate's shampoo. Nate cried out a breathy 'ohhh', must to Sirius' chagrin. "Shut. Up."

He wrapped both hands around his neck, squeezing tightly.

"Sirius," Nate cried out, his voice strained from Sirius' grip.

"Shut up and take it," Sirius barked, pumping harder into the boy.

Sirius took a deep breath, forcing himself to pick up his pace. I'm so close, so close... He pumped harder, choking Nate, his eyes squeezed shut. At last, he felt a release, exhaling and loosening his grip on Nate's neck. Shoulders heaving as he struggled to catch his breath, he pulled out of Nate, lying on his back beside the brown haired boy. He smiled, relaxed, as he felt a tingling sensation radiating in waves from his head to the tips of his toes. The bliss of a well-deserved orgasm. He sighed happily, stretching his arms, his shoulders tight from his extended position holding Nate upright. Everything is perfect. Nate rolled over onto his side, leaning towards Sirius, pointedly attempting to kiss him. Sirius frowned, shaking his head. "None of that sappy nonsense, Nate," he scolded him, brows furrowed. "Can't you let me just enjoy the moment in peace?" he snapped.

"S-sorry," Nate replied, his brown eyes widening in shock. "I just.. you never want to cuddle or hang out or anything... After."

Sirius sighed, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, because you're not my boyfriend, Nate! How many times do I have to tell you that? This isn't about all that. This is about sex. Me and you helping one another out in getting off. Alright?"

"I just thought-"

"I have to go," Sirius muttered, rising to his feet. Hastily, he wiped himself off with the closest article of clothing on the floor, pulling back on his pants and jeans.

"Sirius, don't go, I'm sorry," Nate stammered, rising to his feet.

"No, no. You forgot our arrangement. I'm going now. Thanks for the sex. Ta, Nate," Sirius replied brusquely, waving his hand dismissively as he slipped on his boots.

"Sirius-"

"I'll call you," he called over his shoulder as he hurried out the room, taking the stairs two at a time. He's so bloody annoying with all the clingy cuddly shit. It's a shame, really. He takes dick like a fucking champion. He sighed, slamming the front door shut behind him as he left. Instinctively, he lit a cigarette, taking a deep drag. Nothing like a post-coital fag. He exhaled, blowing smoke rings as he made his way back to his car. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Taking another drag of his cigarette, he removed his phone from his pocket, examining the screen. Two missed calls. Six text messages. Sirius frowned, clicking to read the texts. Remus. I know you're mad. We're going to have to talk, eventually. Just call me back, please?