"Sirius, can we talk? Please?"
Sirius shrugged, staring down at his yogurt.
"Sirius."
"Remus."
Remus flinched, his lips pressed firmly together. Remus. Not Moony.
"It's early. Can you let me eat my yogurt in peace?"
Remus rolled his eyes. "It's four in the afternoon. And I don't know how you can even eat that. It's plain nonfat Greek yogurt. Blech."
Sirius shrugged. "I don't mind it," he replied, his tone clipped.
"I just want to talk to you. Can you stop being so bloody stubborn for a second and tell me what's wrong?" Remus snapped.
Sirius' eyes clouded as he wordlessly brought a spoonful of yogurt to his lips.
"I'm sorry."
"You've nothing to be sorry for. You were entertaining. It's not your job to drop everything when I show up at your door," Sirius sneered, forcefully slamming his spoon back into his container of yogurt.
"Can you even hear yourself right now?" Remus asked, eyeing the darker haired boy incredulously. "You're furious. You're positively seething with rage, right now."
"No I'm not," Sirius retorted, his eyes flickering with anger.
"Tell me what is wrong so I can fix it, Sirius."
"There's nothing to be fixed, Remus."
"Obviously there must be since you've been ignoring my texts and phone calls. I had to come to your house and wait for you to leave your bedroom to actually be able to speak to you," Remus replied, slamming his palm on the kitchen counter for emphasis.
"Sirius," he started, his tone calmer, "I know you must have been having a bad night. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you to help you through it."
"I lived," Sirius replied evenly, folding his arms against his chest. "I don't need you to rescue me every time I'm having a rough time, Remus."
"Fine. If you don't want to tell me what's bothering you, or what I did wrong, then fine," Remus muttered, rising to his feet.
"Go ahead and leave, everyone else does," Sirius mumbled, shoving his half-finished yogurt away from him.
Remus turned around, feeling heat rise in his cheeks. "You don't get to play the victim when you are the one pushing people away, Sirius," he hissed.
"Piss off, Remus."
"I'll leave, Sirius. But don't act like I didn't try. I fucking tried to talk to you, tried to find out what I did wrong to fix things. You're my best mate and-"
"No one asked you to try," Sirius interrupted, shooting him a scathing look.
"Don't come crying on my doorstep the next time you fuck your life up, then. Go ahead and go crawling home the next time you're high on coke, let James take a turn dealing with you when you're all fucked up-"
"Fuck you," Sirius spat, glowering.
"All I have ever done is try to be there for you and help you and this is how you act? I had a bloody friend from uni over! We were watching a movie! And you storm off and do fuck knows what and refuse to take my calls? Am I supposed to just be at your beck and call, all hours of the day and night? Are you really that selfish?" Remus asked, tears threatening to flow from his eyes.
"I don't need this. Not from you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing. I just-"
"I'm going home," Remus replied flatly, turning on his heel.
"Remus, wait. I didn't mean," Sirius started, struggling to string together words.
His words fell on deaf ears as Remus swiftly exited the kitchen and made for the front door, tears spilling down his cheeks.
"Remus, what happened?" Lily asked, taking note of his red eyes and pallid complexion.
"He's such an arsehole," he said stiffly, gratefully accepting the mug of tea offered to him.
The two sat in silence for a moment, each taking sips of their tea. "You finally got him to talk to you, I guess," she noted, breaking the silence.
"I had to basically stalk him, Lils. I waited in the kitchen at the Potter's for three fucking hours, until he finally came downstairs," Remus replied, struggling to keep his composure.
"Did he talk to you at all about why he's been avoiding you?"
"Of course not. He pretended that there was absolutely nothing wrong. Then we got into an argument."
"About?"
"I don't even know. Since he refused to say what was wrong, I made to leave. But then he made some stupid comment about everyone leaving him and it just... made me totally furious. How much bullshit am I supposed to take, Lily?"
"I know, Rem. I know. You put up with way too much, as is."
"It's just infuriating. How dare he insinuate that I'm abandoning him when I'm the one who sees him through every miserable event in his existence."
"He doesn't mean to hurt you, Remus. I know it's hard to deal with him, but you know he... He's not well," Lily said softly, resting a hand over his.
"I know he's not well but still... does he think I'm his servant or something?"
"He was jealous, Remus."
Remus placed his mug of tea back on the table, his hands shaking as he did so. "What did you just say?" he asked, his voice wavering.
"He was jealous. He likes you, Rem," Lily continued, bringing her mug to her lips.
"Are you having a stroke, Lils? Do you smell toast right now? There is no way in hell that Sirius Black likes me," Remus muttered, taken aback by Lily's sudden declaration.
"He as much as told me so, Remus! When I found him at the pub after he bolted from your place. He was bloody jealous that you had some bloke at your flat. Made a nasty comment about you shagging a ginger. Which, by the way, is totally acceptable, case in point," she noted, gesturing towards herself.
"Just because he assumed I was fucking him doesn't mean Sirius likes me, Lily," Remus protested, rolling his eyes.
"I asked him if he does. And he got all quiet and asked for me to define like. If that isn't proof, I don't know what will convince you, Rem."
Remus bit his lip, thoughtful. "I... if he liked me, he would have done something about it, Lily. You know Sirius has no problem taking what he wants."
Lily rolled her eyes. "Sirius knows how to get laid. Feelings and relationships, not so much. He doesn't know how to express that sort of thing.
"But Mark, and the other guys he's dated-"
"Again, Sirius knows how to get laid. It's not hard to approach someone when you're just trying to fuck them. Sirius gets into relationships that are almost solely based on sex. And whatever vice of choice he's keen on at that time," Lily interrupted.
"I just don't think," Remus started, frowning.
"You don't think what? Everyone knows that Sirius is drawn to you. He trusts you with so much more than anyone else in his life. It's you he turns to for comfort. I don't think he knows how to convey his feelings to you, which is why he's elected to act like an arsehole and vehemently deny that he was upset by you being with someone else," Lily concluded, punctuating her speech with a dainty sip of tea.
"Were you shagging Jack, by the way?" she asked, eyeing him curiously.
Remus stared down into his mug, his cheeks flushing slightly.
"There's nothing wrong with it, Remus! Jack is cute! And lord knows you deserve to be able to get yours, considering Sirius fucks anything with a pulse," she noted, wrinkling her nose slightly.
"So what do I do?"
"Tell him," Lily stated pointedly.
"But James-"
"Oh fuck James. He knows. He's fine with it. You like Sirius, and he likes you. Talk about it. Then go from there."
Voice-mail Received 7:43PM: Sirius Orion Black. So I see you've gotten yourself thrown out of university. For some reason, your school saw fit to send your father and I a letter noting your dismissal on the grounds of a mandatory medical leave. To think, my oldest child, my flesh and blood would do this to me... it sickens me. How dare you conduct yourself in such a manner. There is no doubt in my mind that you had every intention of besmirching your father's name with your wretched behavior. You are a disgrace to the Black family name. You are a stain of dishonor on our family. You are no son of mine...
Message Erased.
Sirius sat cross-legged on his bed, cigarette in hand, as he stared ahead at his wall. His phone sat beside him, set to silent. He took a drag, barely noticing that his hand was trembling slightly. What am I going to do with my life? He blinked a few times, forcing back the tears that threatened to drip from his eyes. What purpose do I have in my stupid fucking life? They forced me out of school. I don't have a job or any marketable skills to get one. I don't have any interests. I don't have Mark. I don't have a family. I don't have anyone.
Lily quietly entered Sirius' room, watching him for a moment from the doorway. She bit her lip as she caught sight of his shoulders trembling. She stepped closer, taking note of his glassy eyes and blank expression. He's dissociating. Carefully, she climbed onto his bed, positioning herself so that she sat behind him. Gently, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, applying light pressure. "Hey. It's Lily."
She stroked his hair, marveling at how silky smooth it was. Sirius shook his head, his shoulders twitching against the constraint of Lily's embrace. "Hey," he said lowly, his voice barely above a whisper. "James had some football thing. I dunno when he'll be back."
"I wanted to see if you'd like to have dinner with me?" she asked softly.
Sirius shook his head. "Not hungry."
"Would you mind keeping me company at least?"
Sirius sighed, pulling away from her. "Did James put you up to this?" he asked warily.
Lily shook her head no. "No, Sirius. I know what it's like to be having a hard time and I just wanted... to see if you're okay."
"Why? Why do you care?"
"Because you're my friend. Because people who share similar afflictions need to look out for one another."
Sirius shrugged.
"What triggered you?" Lily asked, concerned.
"My mum left a voice-mail. Apparently my parents received notice of my medical leave as well," he noted darkly.
Lily observed him a moment, unnerved by how calm he was, his expression unreadable. "Are you okay?"
"No," he retorted, his expression flat. "I'm a failure, Lily. Everything I touch, I ruin. I got myself forced out of school. I lost Mark. My parents hate me and think I'm a disgrace. What am I going to do with myself, Lily? School was all I had. That was my identity. I may be a total whack job, but I got perfect marks. My major defined who I was. And now I have nothing. I'm nothing."
"You're not a failure, Sirius. You were burning yourself out, and quickly. What you needed is a break. School will be waiting for you to come back to when you're ready."
Sirius remained silent, his lower lip quivering.
"What's the matter? What did she say to you, Sirius?" she demanded, her anger rising.
Sirius shook his head, his face crumbling.
"Oh gods, Sirius come here," she sighed pulling him into a tight embrace. She held him close as he sobbed quietly, the room silent except for his gasping breaths as he choked back tears. "Your mother is an awful, vile woman, Sirius. You need to know that anything she says is wrong. She doesn't matter, your birth family doesn't matter. You have people who love you so fucking much, Sirius."
"I need to get out of here," Sirius muttered, shakily rising to his feet.
"Sirius, I don't think you should-"
"I need to clear my head, Lily," he said sharply, shooting her a filthy look.
"Sirius, please-"
"I'm going out," he interrupted, stalking towards the door. "You can go ahead and alert James and Remus that I'm going out. I know you will, anyway."
Voice-mail Received 3:17AM: James. Hi. This is Regulus... Sirius' brother. I um... *pause* Sirius was in an accident. He crashed his bike on the A1. *sobbing* We're at St. Mary's Hospital. He was drunk, of course. He um. He's hurt pretty badly. He's in Intensive Care... They said something about a ruptured spleen. They're doing their best to avoid surgery. I um... I'm donating blood. He needs blood transfusions to help treat him if he's to avoid losing his spleen altogether. *crying* Please come. You're as good as his brother, too. Please come.
Sirius woke with a start, panic-stricken. Where am I? What happened? He took a deep breath and was met with a jolt of pain from his left side. "Fuck," he gasped, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to dull the pain.
He opened his eyes again, finding himself face to face with an almost mirror image of himself. Regulus. Sirius felt a wave of fear course through his veins as he took note of his younger brother's panicked expression. "What... What happened?" he asked shakily, trying and failing to hoist himself up into a sitting position.
"You had an accident," Regulus stated, his stormy gray eyes observing him with concern.
"I don't remember," Sirius mumbled, glancing down at his left arm, where a peripheral IV line had been inserted.
"You were driving drunk again, Sirius. You hit a patch of gravel taking a turn too sharply and crashed into the guardrail."
Sirius stared up at his brother, silently questioning the gravity of the incident.
"Father made some calls to keep the accident off the record and out of the papers. They were going to charge you with drink-driving Sirius. You were handcuffed to the bed until father sorted things out with the police," Regulus explained, his brows furrowed.
"How efficient of him. I suppose he couldn't stand the thought of his embarrassment of a son tarnishing his reputation," Sirius muttered, rolling his eyes.
"You would have gone to jail, Sirius. Your blood alcohol level was thrice the legal limit."
"Why are you even here?" Sirius asked sharply.
"Because you're my brother... you were in a bad accident and needed a blood transfusion."
"I needed... why?" Sirius asked, his lips curling downward to form a frown.
Regulus took a deep breath, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. "You have a ruptured spleen. They're trying to avoid operating and removing it but... you needed blood. So when they called and asked of course I-" he paused, his face crumbling as he succumbed to a wave of tears.
"Reg," Sirius said calmly, reaching out his right arm in an attempt to touch his brother. "Please don't cry. I'm not worth getting upset over."
"Did you do it on purpose?" Regulus asked, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.
Sirius froze, caught off-guard by his brother's question. "What?"
"Did you crash your bike on purpose? Because of the message mum left you?" Regulus asked, his voice barely audible.
"How did you-"
"I overheard her telling father about it."
Sirius groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. "I don't know, Regulus. I was bloody drunk."
The two remained silent for a moment, Regulus eyeing him with scrutiny. Sirius sighed heavily, wincing from pain. "I must admit that it sounds like something I would do when I was pissed and angry."
"So are you going to tell me why you got yourself kicked out of university?" Reg prompted.
"I didn't get kicked out, Reg. I was put on a medical leave," Sirius retorted, nervously tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear.
"I know you tried to kill yourself in the middle of last term. Is that why?" Regulus pressed.
Sirius' jaw dropped, a wave of nausea hitting him. "How did you... they didn't tell mum, I mean... how could you.."
"Sev told me."
Sirius' jaw clenched. "That bloody fucking-"
"Sirius. Is that why they put you out on a medical leave?" Regulus interrupted, his tone softer.
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. Partially. I guess I'm just..." he trailed off, staring down at the thin cotton sheet covering him.
"I suppose you've inherited the Black family madness," Reg noted.
"Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about."
"Spare me, Sirius. It's no secret. You know the long history of mental illness that runs in our family."
"Thanks to all the inbreeding, I suppose," Sirius laughed hollowly.
"Bella was institutionalized, you know. Eight months in a psychiatric facility in the Swiss Alps. They diagnosed her as Bipolar."
"Surprise, surprise. She always was a bloody psycho," Sirius muttered, frowning.
Regulus gave him a pointed look.
"I'm not bipolar," Sirius noted sourly.
"Did you ever receive an actual diagnosis? I know when we were younger, all those doctors tried to write everything off as youthful rebellion or depression, but I always thought it was something more."
"I have a borderline personality, apparently," Sirius noted, frowning.
"I guess the idiot who put you on Seroquel wasn't so far off with his diagnosis of a mood disorder," Reg replied, his tone light.
"How's Oxford?" Sirius asked, desperate to change the course of the conversation.
"School's good. Majoring in politics. Following in Father's footsteps and all that, you know. Have you been seeing someone? Are you on medication?" he asked, disregarding Sirius' attempt at a subject change.
"I'm not taking any medication. I'm fine, Reg," Sirius muttered through gritted teeth.
"You're going to end up killing yourself if you don't get some help, Sirius. Is that what you want?"
"Maybe it is."
"Why?"
"Why not? Everyone leaves, nobody cares, why continue carrying on for no fucking reason?"
"I fucking care, Sirius. You're supposed to be my big brother! Why don't you try acting like it for once in your life?"
"You left, just like everyone else left me and-"
"I didn't leave you, Sirius! You left our family! You pushed me away! I thought you wanted me to stay away. I did what I thought you needed!"
Sirius remained silent, his heart pounding in his chest as he tried to process his brother's words.
"Please try to take care of yourself. I'd prefer it if the next time I see you it not be in the hospital... or at your funeral. Get yourself some help. Just because you feel like you have the deck stacked against you with all this mental illness shite doesn't mean you should just say fuck it all and run yourself into the ground. You have decent friends who care about you and are worried sick about you. Let them help you. Go to therapy. Take some meds until you get yourself feeling right."
Sirius remained silent, his expression blank.
"It's late, Sirius. You need to try and get some rest. I can ask the nurse to come give you something for the pain on my way out if you'd like."
Sirius nodded his head, his lower lip quivering.
"Think about what I said and try and get yourself well. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" Regulus asked, lightly placing his hand over Sirius'.
"Okay. Reg," Sirius started, struggling to hold back tears.
"Thank you. For coming and everything."
"Of course. Regardless your situation with mum and dad, you're still my brother. We'll always be brothers. If you need me, I'm here," Reg assured him, offering him a small smile.
