A/N: Apologies for my delay in updating this. I usually try my absolute best to update at least twice weekly, but I was in the hospital and feeling positively dreadful the past two weeks from medication. Hopefully this chapter doesn't disappoint. A million thank yous to everyone who have followed/reviewed. You're all lovely and I appreciate it so much. xx
Remus shifted uncomfortably in the hard plastic waiting room chair, staring down into his cup of lukewarm coffee. He'd wandered down to the hospital canteen ages ago, under the guise of getting a cup to calm his nerves, but had yet to take more than a single sip. Instead, he gripped the cup with both hands, his fingertips numb. In the row of chairs across from him, James and Lily sat, James with his head between his knees, Lily gently rubbing his back. The trio had been waiting for nearly two hours, and had yet to hear a single word of news on Sirius. Upon arrival, Regulus has greeted them with a terse hello before excusing himself outside, where he chain-smoked and spoke rapid-fire into his cell phone, until a nurse summoned him to come inside.
The drive to the hospital had been torturous. James had driven, knuckles white as he gripped the steering wheel, slamming on the brakes every time they hit a red light, angrily muttering curses under his breath. Remus had curled himself into a ball in the backseat, focusing on breathing and blocking out the thoughts of Sirius lying bloody somewhere... He shook his head, banishing the thought.
"How long has he been back there?" James asked, his voice muffled."
"Half an hour, I s'pose," Remus replied, testily chewing on his lower lip. Why haven't we heard any news? If he was okay, we'd have heard something by now.
Remus took a sip of the coffee, his lips contorting into a look of total revulsion. Christ, this is awful. He tapped his foot nervously, his knee bouncing fitfully from the moment.
"He's going to be fine, Rem," Lily said softly, using her forced-calm voice.
"But what if he's not?" Remus protested, again gnawing at his lip.
James' breath hitched, followed by a barely audible sob.
Remus turned his attention to the door leading to the ICU ward as he caught sight of familiar black hair. Regulus. He carefully watched as Regulus emerged from the ward, visibly exhausted, his lips pressed tightly together.
"How is he?" Remus asked, nearly spilling his drink on himself as he hurried to set it aside at his feet.
"He's awake," he noted.
"How does he seem?" James asked, rising to his feet.
"He's not grasping the extent of his injuries, I think. He hasn't even seen the doctor yet."
"But he's alive, right? Speaking, breathing?" James pressed.
Regulus nodded. "James, a word if you would?" he asked, turning his attention to James.
James nodded, following Regulus outside. "Do you mind?" Reg asked, holding up a lighter and cigarette.
"No. After tonight, I could use one, myself," James replied, laughing weakly.
Regulus removed a second cigarette, expertly lighting the two and handing James one.
"Ta," James noted, taking a deep drag. He coughed lightly, having never been more than a casual smoker, at most.
"It's been a hell of a night," Regulus noted, a stream of white smoke emerging from his lips.
"I know you said he had an accident but... what exactly happened?"
"He claims he didn't do it on purpose, if that's what you're asking," Regulus replied, shrugging.
"You don't believe him?" James asked.
"I don't know what to believe about him, anymore." He took another drag of his cigarette, gray eyes staring him down. He really does look just like him. A bit shorter, but even the mannerisms...bloody hell.
"So he's been drinking a lot?" Regulus asked pointedly, breaking James' train of thought.
James stood silently, unsure of how to respond.
"You don't have to try and cover for him. His blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit. No surprise, really... We come from a long line of alcoholics," he noted, folding his arms against his chest.
James bit his lip, flicking ass from the tip of his cigarette.
"The doctors don't know how he was even able to operate his bike, given the state he was in... But then again, he's Sirius Black. He's always been able to achieve the impossible, hasn't he?"
"Well, you know as well as I that Sirius can hold his liquor," James retorted, shrugging helplessly.
Regulus nodded. "Fair warning, it might be hard to see him like this."
"We've seen him in pretty rough shape before," James countered.
Regulus' lips twitched. "I've seen my brother in hospital weighing no more than six stone on his 5'10" frame, and I'd still prefer that to seeing him like this. You know he has mental health issues, right?"
James nodded grimly.
"You need to make him get help. He's fucking killing himself. He keeps hurting himself and I don't know what can help him. I thought... I thought once he got away from our parents he'd be alright. But he's not."
"I don't know how to help him. He's been crashing and I don't know how to help him, Reg," James muttered, frowning.
Regulus stood silent, waiting for him to continue.
"He overdosed not too long ago. That was a disaster. But he agreed to go to therapy and I thought that maybe he'd be okay. But then... Some bloke he was dating hit him! I walked in and saw him with a busted open lip and I just... I don't know what he needs, Reg! And now this..."
"Your dad is a doctor isn't he?" Regulus asked.
James nodded. "Yeah. But he's a neurologist, he can't-"
"He must know someone that could help him. Know of a treatment center that could help him. He's a danger to himself, James. Though you know my parents would never let him get himself into any real problems with the law, even their influence can't stop him from doing this again and killing himself."
"But you said he-"
"I said that he claims he didn't do it on purpose. I think he did. I think he wants out, if I'm being completely honest," Regulus interrupted, sighing heavily.
"I'll see what I can do... I'll keep in touch?" James asked weakly.
"Please do."
Sirius stared ahead at the wall as a doctor rattled off a list of ailments, focusing on the crack in the wall directly across from him. He nodded occasionally, offering little more than mhmms and okays in response to the doctor's questions.
"Sirius," the doctor asked, a bit more sharply.
"What?" he groaned, wincing a bit from the pain in his stomach.
"Were you listening to a single word I said?"
"No," Sirius replied, shrugging his shoulders.
The doctor sighed, scribbling something down onto his chart.
"As of right now, we're going to be keeping you for a minimum of five days to insure that your spleen is healing properly. You're lucky; this could have been a lot worse. You have two broken ribs, which thankfully haven't punctured anything. Road rash. Lacerations on your hands from the your release, you'll need bed-rest and to avoid strenuous activity for four to six weeks to ensure you don't further rupture your spleen. Do you have any questions?"
"What would be considered strenuous activity?" Sirius asked mildly, his lips pursed.
"Heavy lifting. Participating in contact sports. Anything that could pose injury to your spleen," the doctor elaborated.
"So I can have sex."
"Yes."
"Gotcha."
"You will need a follow-up contrast CT scan later this morning to ensure that you aren't bleeding out," the doctor noted, reading off of his chart.
"What time will that be?"
"Between 8am and 10am," the doctor replied evenly.
"And what time is it now?" Sirius queried.
"Six am."
"Fuck," Sirius groaned, rolling his eyes. "Can't you give me a sedative to sleep?"
"We won't be able to give you a sedative until the alcohol passes through your system. I believe you are all too aware of the dangers of combining alcohol with benzodiazepines," the doctor noted, offering Sirius a grim look.
"And when will that be?" Sirius pressed.
"You should be able to receive a sedative this afternoon."
"Fanfuckingtastic," Sirius muttered his lips curving downward into a frown.
The doctor cleared his throat. "I do need to ask that you explain the circumstances which led to your accident," he began, eyeing Sirius suspiciously.
"I wasn't trying to kill myself," Sirius replied automatically, anger bubbling in his chest. "I was piss drunk. It was an accident."
"Your father mentioned a mood disorder-"
"I'm estranged from my father," Sirius spat, heat rising in his cheeks. "He doesn't know a thing about me or about what happened."
"Given your blood alcohol level at the scene of your accident, we feel that a psych eval is necessary-"
"Bollocks. I don't need another shrink. This is bullshit!" Sirius shouted, gesturing his arms wildly and wincing from the pull of the IV attached to his arm.
A nurse entered the room, eyeing Sirius warily. "Mr. Black... you have visitors. Do you want to see them?" she asked.
"Send them in," Sirius replied, waving a hand dismissively.
"We'll continue this conversation when you're feeling less irritable, Mr. Black."
"Hey," James said softly, entering Sirius' room. He took a seat beside the bed, nervously ruffling his hair.
"You're alive."
"I'm alive," Sirius affirmed.
"How are you feeling?"
"I'm in a lot of pain."
James frowned. "What's the damage?"
Sirius sighed. "Ruptured spleen, which hurts like all hell. Road rash on my face," he noted, pointing, "and my left side. A broken rib. Lacerations on my hands. My stomach is swollen from the spleen. Blood or something. Not cute-"
"Jesus fucking Christ, Padfoot. Does your vanity know no bounds? You're in the hospital. I don't think anyone is going to notice your stomach isn't perfectly flat under that hospital gown," James interrupted, shooting Sirius an incredulous look.
Sirius frowned.
"What were you thinking?" James pressed.
Again, Sirius shrugged. "I wasn't. I was really drunk."
James swallowed. "You're lucky to be alive. Reg called me. I brought Lily and Remus."
Sirius nodded. "Figured as much," he muttered.
"Sirius, I'm worried-"
"It's really not a big deal, James. I'm fine!"
"No. You're not fine. They want to keep you in the hospital for at least a week. You haven't been kept that long since-"
"James," Sirius said warningly, scowling.
"I don't want to fight with you right now, Sirius. You're lying in the hospital hooked up to god knows what and it's hard enough to try not to cry, as is. But when you're all better and getting released, we're talking about this. Because you can't keep doing this to yourself, mate. You're going to get yourself killed."
"Reg said the same thing. My father was here," Sirius noted, frowning. "I was unconscious, but still. He had to bribe the press to keep the story out of the paper."
James winced. "Reg mentioned something about the police," he offered.
"Yeah. Well you know. Driving drunk. The media would love to see a scandal like the eldest Black son arrested for drink driving. It would destroy my father's reputation. He had to squash the entire incident in a hurry," Sirius noted, rolling his eyes.
"Did you ever think that maybe the reason you do some of the things you do is because subconsciously you want someone to help you?" James asked, staring intently at his friend.
"Dunno."
"Do you want me to call mum?"
Sirius frowned. "She's not my-"
"She's your mum too, Sirius," James interrupted, rolling his eyes.
"She doesn't know?" Sirius asked, a bit taken aback.
James shrugged. "She's working an overnight at the hospital. I didn't even think to say a word to anyone when I got the call... just Lils and Remus. Picked them up and rushed here."
"James, I'm sorry," Sirius mumbled, picking a piece of imaginary lint off of his blanket.
"Are you that unhappy with your life that you want to die?"
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know what's wrong with me, James."
James nodded, blinking back tears. "Right. I'm gonna... I'm gonna ring mum. She's going to be right furious with me for not having her paged at the hospital immediately."
Sirius nodded, unsure of how to respond.
"We'll talk... We'll talk when you're home. I love you, Sirius."
"Jamie, stop. I'm okay, really-"
"You're not, though," James said sadly, shaking his head. "I'll come see you later in the day with mum, okay?"
Sirius nodded. "Okay. Send Mrs. P my love."
"Lily," Sirius said quietly, as he caught sight of a slight figure with red hair entering his room.
"Sirius," she cried out, throwing her arms around his neck. "Thank god you're okay."
"He takes a licking and keeps on kicking," Sirius muttered wryly.
"The doctors said you're lucky, this could have turned out really badly."
Sirius frowned.
"Don't look so happy, Sirius," Lily noted, eyeing Sirius with confusion.
"Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am. I don't feel very lucky," he muttered, folding his arms against his chest.
"What makes you say that?" Lily asked softly, taking a seat in the chair beside his bed.
Sirius shrugged, eyes tilted towards the floor.
"I wanted to get away from everything," he muttered, under his breath.
"What are you trying to run from, Sirius?" she asked softly.
Silence.
"You can't run away from yourself, you know. You can try, sure. But at the end of the day, after all the sex and drugs and drinking, you're still stuck being you. That's the problem. I know you're high on morphine. And I know James and Remus and Mrs. Potter are going to baby you, but I'm going to hit you with some truth, Sirius Black."
He rolled his eyes. "Spare me, Evans."
"The next time you decide to go off the deep end, you might not walk away so easily. You owe it to yourself to invest more effort in getting well. You don't deserve to deal with this mental anguish you're suffering."
"Lily I don't-"
"Give meds another shot. If you react badly, okay. But at least then you can say you tried. You complain that you don't have any interests; find some. Ones that don't involve putting your dick in strange men. Or illegal substances. You liked playing football. Go to practices with James. Studies have shown that exercise is helpful with treating- "
"Lily, stop. I don't want to-"
"You don't want to change. But you need to! You need to take better care of yourself. I know it's hard, but it's important, Sirius. You need to work on developing self-care skills. You have an illness whose symptoms can be aggravated by lack of self-care. I know you don't sleep, Sirius. Ditto to eating properly. Those are basic things that can help with functioning. Trust me, I get it. There are days where I can barely stomach the notion of dragging myself out of bed and washing my hair and getting dressed. But I do because I have to."
"Lily I -"
"Sirius, do you even have any way to cope with unpleasantness besides getting fucked up or shagging someone?"
Sirius stared blankly.
"Well, that answers that, doesn't it?" Lily replied, eyeing him sadly.
"If you don't give a shit about yourself, at least think about what you're doing to the people who love you. All this self-destruction isn't only hurting you."
"What are you even talking about?" Sirius sneered.
"James. Remus. I've never seen James cry. Never. Yet here we are, and he's in the waiting room crying because he doesn't know how to help you."
"Remus is here?"
"Of course Remus is here, you dolt. He's worried sick over you. Just because you decided to be a drama queen doesn't mean he doesn't care about you," Lily retorted, rolling her eyes.
"They're making me get a psych consult. Again," Sirius noted.
"If it'd make you more comfortable, tell them you're already seeing a psychiatrist. Request that they reach her to come see you," Lily suggested, brushing a stray hair from out of his face.
"Thanks," Sirius replied, chewing on his lower lip.
The two sat in silence for a moment, Sirius struggling to hold back tears. "Lils," he said softly, blinking back tears as he stared down at his lap.
"Yeah, Siri?"
"I really... I really fucked up this time, didn't I?"
"You're going to be okay, Sirius," Lily replied soothingly, placing a warm hand over his cold, clammy one.
"Fuck, Lily," he sniffled, wiping his eyes with his free hand. "I- is it terrible that when I first woke up, all I could think was I wish I hadn't woken up?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Lily's face crumbled as tears flowed freely down her pale, freckled cheeks.
"I'm afraid that it's never going to get better than this," Sirius continued, his eyes focused on his lap, hiccuping as tears began to trickle down his own cheeks.
Lily threw her arms around him, pulling him into a tight embrace. "I love you, Sirius."
"Love you too. Can... do you think..." he frowned, brows furrowed in concentration.
"Do you want me to send Remus in?" Lily asked, offering him a small smile.
Sirius nodded. "If you would," he asked, a look of relief on his face.
Remus felt bile rise in his throat as he entered Sirius' room. Sirius looked small wrapped in sterile white linens, his black hair messily pulled back into a sort of bun, to keep it from falling into his face. Remus noted that he was hooked up to no less than four machines. He took note of the IV attached to his arm. Saline and antibiotics. The screen beside him showed his heart rate and pulse.
Involuntarily, Remus burst into tears, trying and failing to muffle his sobs with the sleeve of his cardigan. "Sirius," he sobbed, rushing to his side.
"Hey," Sirius replied, offering him a lazy grin.
Remus winced at the sight of road rash on Sirius left cheek, starting at his chin and stopping at his temple.
"It looks worse than it feels," Sirius assured him, offering him a weak smile.
"I thought you might not want to see me," Remus sniffled in between sobs.
"Why on earth wouldn't I want to see you Moony?" Sirius asked, confused.
"Because... we were fighting and... I... was an arsehole-"
" Rem. I was the arsehole," Sirius interrupted.
"No, I was. And now you're in the hospital and it's all my fault... I've been so worried, and gods, I'm sorry, Pads," Remus gushed, tears continuing to flow down his cheeks.
"Moony, stop saying you're sorry."
"I'm sorry, I can't. I just-"
"Moony, please." Sirius hoisted himself up, so that he was sitting up properly in bed. "I've missed you," he said quietly, his gray eyes observing him carefully.
"What if you had died? And the last time I'd seen you it had been us fighting? What would I have done with myself?" Remus asked, tears continuing to trickle down his cheeks.
"Moony. I'm okay," Sirius said softly, reaching out and grabbing Remus' hand. "Hold my hand. Please."
Remus obliged, squeezing Sirius' left hand tightly.
"What happened?" he asked.
"I crashed my bike on the A1. I dunno... I was drunk. I don't remember much of it," Sirius replied, his gray eyes clouding.
"How are you feeling?" Remus asked.
Sirius sighed. "Like total shite. But they're giving me steady doses of morphine, so that helps."
"I should have been there for you when you needed me," Remus gushed, wiping away tears with his sleeve.
"Moony. It's okay. I'm okay. Please stop crying."
"But it's my fault. I wasn't there and... and I set you off and I'm sorry-"
Sirius interrupted him by hoisting himself up and pressing his lips to Remus'.
"Been meaning to do that sober," Sirius smirked, as he pulled away.
Remus stared blankly, floored. "I..." he started, struggling to piece together words.
"I like you."
"I... I like you, too."
