A/N: The song referenced in this chapter is A Better Place, A better Time by Streetlight Manifesto. The song holds a lot of personal meaning to me, particularly in regard to being in a situation similar to Sirius', and I highly recommend that you give it a listen.


James nervously paced the hallway, waiting for his father. At Regulus' request, he had called his father, asking to meet with him, to talk about Sirius. Dr. Charles Potter had a 9 am appointment with a client, and had told James to meet him at his office. He glanced at his watch: 10:04. Should be here any minute now. He tapped his foot impatiently, squinting in an attempt to see down the long corridor. At last, he caught sight of familiar messy black hair, striding down the hall. "Dad," James called out, offering his father a slight wave.

"James," Dr. Potter noted, eyeing his son with concern. "What's wrong, your mother called me in a panic, something about Sirius-"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about," James interrupted, biting his lip.

Charles nodded, motioning towards his office. "I assume this calls for privacy?" he asked.

James nodded, following his father inside.

"Sirius had an accident," James started, once the pair were settled.

"What happened?"

James began to relay the details of the evening, including Regulus' concern for Sirius' mental state.

"Do you believe he is suicidal?" Dr. Potter asked, his tone somber.

James shrugged, unsure of how to respond. "I dunno, dad. I just... I think he doesn't cares what happens to him, one way or the other."

Dr. Potter nodded. "I know that he recently started seeing someone, what was her name again?"

"Dr. Fairgood," James quipped, eyeing his father expectantly.

Dr. Potter grinned, nodding his head. "Ah yes, Emily. I know her quite well... I assume you would like for me to reach out to her and express my concern?" he asked, looking to James for confirmation.

"Please, if you could... I don't know what's wrong with him, and I'm just afraid... he... He was totally indifferent to the fact that he could have died. He brushed it off like it was nothing, even though he's lying in the hospital with a ruptured spleen and broken ribs. I can't keep watching him do this to himself... someone needs to make him get some help. You know people, can't you just get him admitted somewhere, to some treatment facility where he'll be safe and they'll get him well?"

Dr. Potter sighed. "Son. I know that it's difficult, to watch someone you care about caught in a cycle of self-abuse, but you need to understand that it's never so simple as making someone get help. Sirius is... well, there's really no getting around it, he's mentally ill. Mental illness is a complicated thing, James. Mental illness distorts reality, rewires the brain, forces those suffering with it to ignore basic instincts for self-preservation. You're not going to be able to rush in and save him, James. And you need to keep in mind, that while it seems perfectly obvious to you that he's putting himself in danger, he most likely can't comprehend that. I'm only speaking based on my experience during a psych rotation as an intern, but Sirius has exhibited textbook symptoms of a borderline personality for years now."

James nodded, wringing his hands in his lap. "I know, but if we forced him to get treatment, maybe-"

"Treatment works best when the patient willingly agrees to it. I don't want to discourage you, James, but I want you to be realistic in approaching this. The best thing we can do for Sirius is to express our concern about him and to address any immediate danger he may pose to himself. Dr. Fairgood is an excellent psychiatrist, and I have the utmost trust in her to determine what steps need to be taken to ensure Sirius' safety."

"So you'll tell her he's suicidal," James noted, shooting his father an expectant look.

"I will express concern to her that he appears to be exhibiting symptoms of passive suicidal ideation. She will meet with him to conduct a screening, review his case, and consult with the admitting doctor at St. Mary's to determine if precautionary measures need to be taken," Dr. Potter explained, his voice calm.

"I just want him to be okay," James muttered, frowning.

"I know, son. We all do. I just want you to understand that this isn't something that is just going to go away overnight. This is something Sirius has to live with, and learn how to manage. I do think medication could help, but we'll leave that decision to Dr. Fairgood."

James nodded. "Thanks, dad. So you'll call her?"

"I'll call her, James. Your mother is at St. Mary's. You should go and meet her. I have appointments I can't cancel, but I'll be there to see Sirius this evening."

James nodded. "But you'll call her, right? And make sure she goes to see him before he gets released from the hospital?" he asked, tapping his foot nervously.

"I'll call her immediately if it will put you at ease, James."

James nodded. "Thanks, dad."


Sirius stared down at his hands, silent. He'd had his CT scan completed, but had yet to hear back on the results. The resident psychiatrist had stopped by his room, who had agreed to contact Dr. Fairgood, assuring him that she would be coming to see him at some point later in the day. He glanced at the side table beside his bed, where a plastic bag containing the clothes he'd had on during the accident rested. I wonder if I had my cell on me. I don't remember if I left it at home or not. Fuck. He lifted his head in surprise as he heard a soft tapping on the door to the room.

"Sirius," Mrs. Potter said softly, eyeing him with concern.

Sirius remained silent, his stomach filling with dread. What do I even say to her? She's probably disgusted with me. "I'm sorry," he muttered lowly, head tilted down.

"What are you apologizing for, sweetheart?" Mrs. Potter asked, laughing.

Sirius shrugged, watching as Mrs. Potter settled into the chair beside him. She's still in her scrubs. Must have come from work. "I'm sorry I couldn't get here sooner," she apologized, gently smoothing Sirius' hair back with her gentle touch. "I can't believe James didn't ring me as soon as he got word... how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," Sirius replied, wincing slightly as he adjusted himself so that he was slightly inclined in bed. The morphine must be wearing off.

"What happened, Sirius?" she asked, her brows still furrowed with concern.

"I crashed my bike driving drunk, I don't know. I don't know," Sirius replied helplessly. It would be useless to lie, especially to Mrs. Potter.

Mrs. Potter sighed, again reaching forward to smooth his hair. "We'll sort everything out, Sirius. Did the police-"

"My father already handled all of that... He arranged to have the charges dropped. And ensured it stayed out of the paper. I just have to heal, I suppose," Sirius interrupted, feeling a wave of nausea at the mention of his father.

Mrs. Potter nodded. "Good. So... you know we have to talk about what happened."

Sirius sighed, uncomfortable. "I don't know, it was an accident."

Mrs. Potter sighed, offering him a weak smile. "Sirius, I like to think that I know my sons. Something happened that triggered this and-"

"I'm not your son," Sirius said lowly, staring down at his lap. "I'm just... James' friend that you took in."

"That's nonsense, Sirius. I have watched you grow up since you and James were in play school together. You're my son and I love you. So please, tell me what's wrong so I can help you."

Sirius sighed, blinking back tears. "I got kicked out of university."

Mrs. Potter nodded, still eyeing Sirius with concern. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"You're not mad?" Sirius asked, perplexed.

"I'm not mad at you, Sirius. I'm worried. Concerned, certainly. But I'm not angry," Mrs. Potter assured him, leaning forward to brush Sirius' hair from out of his eyes. "I can't help you make things better if I don't know what's wrong, you know," she said lightly, squeezing his hand in hers.

Sirius nodded, blinking back tears. "They um.. they put me out on a mandatory medical leave. Because of last term."

Mrs. Potter nodded, lips pursed together. "Because of your hospitalization?"

Sirius nodded. "The department head found out about it and... I guess other students complained about me. I was out of it, everyone could see my bandages from where I slashed my wrists open and... I made people uncomfortable, I guess."

Mrs. Potter nodded, waiting for him to continue.

"I had a meeting with the department head and my adviser... I guess they decided that I'm a danger to myself and others or something... I don't know, I didn't read past the part about mandatory medical leave in the letter they sent," Sirius concluded, shrugging.

"Do you ever want to hurt yourself, Sirius?" Mrs. Potter asked softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know," he muttered, staring down at his lap. "I just... mostly I just don't want to think. About anything. I just want to get away and not have to deal with all of... this," he continued, gesturing towards himself.

Mrs. Potter nodded, her lips forming a sad smile. "I know, love. I know... we're going to get through this, you know that, right?" she asked, again squeezing his hand.

Sirius shook his head no, tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks. "I just feel so alone..." he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut.

He felt a tingling sensation run down his spine as Mrs. Potter enveloped him into a hug, squeezing him tightly. "I know that you may feel that way, but I can assure you that you're not alone, Sirius. You have so many people who love you and care about you and want to help you. We're here for you."z

Sirius nodded, tears still flowing freely. "I don't... I don't know if I can do this... I'm so fucking tired... I'm so tired of being crazy."

"You're not crazy, Sirius. You have an illness. There's no shame in it. You need some help getting it under control. I promise you that things will get better. We're going to get you feeling better. Whatever you need, we'll do."

"But... I just... everything is falling apart. I don't have school. I don't have Mark. Everything is falling in on me and I just... I feel like I can't do anything but watch everything shatter to pieces around me," Sirius sobbed, gasping for breath as he struggled to verbalize his thoughts.

"I know... I know, love. Things are hard right now. But you will get through this," Mrs. Potter said calmly, soothingly rubbing his back.

"I just..."

"You're exhausted. You need some rest."

"I don't know what I did with my phone..." Sirius mumbled, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

Mrs. Potter smiled, reaching into her handbag. "James mentioned that you probably left your phone at home, so I popped in and grabbed it after my shift," she explained, handing him his phone.

Sirius nodded, stifling a yawn. I'm so tired. "Thanks," he said quietly, offering Mrs. Potter a small grin.

"Why don't you try and get some rest, dear?" Mrs. Potter suggested.

Sirius nodded. "Alright," he agreed, sinking back down into bed.

"Get some rest, love. I'm going to go home and sort out some of your things to bring. Anything in particular that you'd like?"

Sirius shrugged, his eyelids feeling heavy with sleep. "I dunno..." he mumbled, his head falling limply towards his left shoulder.

"Alright. I'll see you later this afternoon, okay?" Mrs. Potter asked.

Sirius nodded. Once Mrs. Potter had left the room, he turned his attention to his cell phone. He cringed at the the sight of multiple missed calls and incoming texts. Sighing, he pressed messages, scanning the frantic texts from his friends. Remus texted me eighty times. Jesus Christ. He felt a jolt of shock wave through him as his phone began to vibrate in his hand. Lily had texted him. And when you wake up, everything is going to be fine. I guarantee that you wake in a better place, in a better time. So you're tired of living, you feel like you might give in; well don't. It's not your time. /u2yeNzL7rTU?list=RDu2yeNzL7rTU

Sirius clicked the link, setting the volume on his phone to low as the song began to play. He lay still for several minutes, his thoughts racing as the song played, pressing replay twice, mesmerized by the lyrics. Sirius sniffled, wiping away tears he wasn't aware had been trickling down his cheeks. With vision slightly blurred from the moisture in his eyes, he hastily typed a message back to Lily. Thank you. Really. xx. Yawning, Sirius curled up onto his side, struggling to get comfortable on the thin hospital bed mattress. Phone still clutched in his right hand, he shut his eyes, falling into unconsciousness.


"So how'd your visit with Sirius go?" Lily asked.

Remus shrugged, staring up at the ceiling. The pair had returned to Remus' apartment after seeing Sirius, where Remus had immediately sprawled out on the couch. "It went okay," he said, feeling his pulse quicken at the thought of Sirius. He smiled, thinking back to the kiss they'd shared. Though it had been brief, and quite chaste, it had still sent electricity shooting through Remus' entire body. Oh gods, I want to kiss him again.

"What happened?" Lily asked, rising gracefully from the armchair she'd settled into and hovering over him.

"Nothing," Remus replied, lips still curled into a small smile.

"Bollocks. You're smiling. Tell me what happened."

Remus sighed, swinging his legs off of the couch, sitting upright. "We just... he kissed me- ow! What was that for?" Remus asked, rubbing his right arm.

"Serves you right! I can't believe you waited until now to tell me he bloody kissed you. You're a shite friend, Remus Lupin," Lily laughed, shaking her head.

"He told me he likes me."

"Finally! And you told him you did too, right? I swear Remus if you wimped out, I'll call the bloke up and tell him, myself!"

"I- I did, Lils. It was just... It was surreal, you know. Like I wanted to pinch myself to make sure it wasn't a dream," Remus said softly, smiling sheepishly.

"Christ, you're a sap, Rem."

"So what do I do about this, Lils?"

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, joining Remus on the couch.

Remus frowned. "Well... where do I go from here? He said he likes me. And I like him... Do I... do I ask him out on a date?"

"Oh, so you didn't ask him to be your boyfriend yet?" Lily teased.

"What, no, gods Lils, you're so- stop. I just... I finally told him, Sirius, my best friend, the guy I've liked-"

"Pined over," Lily interrupted, correcting him. "The guy you've pined over for four years."

"I'm just overwhelmed. I never expected this to... I'm flustered."

"You're adorable."

"Fuck you."

"Just hang out with him when he gets released. Talk to him about what you guys want to do."

Remus stared, horrified. "Oh gods, Lily. He's... I don't know what to do. I mean, he's in the hospital. He's a fucking mess. I don't... Dd you think it'd even be wise to pursue a relationship when..." he trailed off, resting his head in his hands.

"You're afraid that he'll use you like a crutch to avoid dealing with his issues," Lily elaborated, resting a hand gently on his shoulder.

"Yeah," Remus agreed, sighing heavily. "That's what he does, isn't it? Every time something goes wrong in his life, he gets himself into a new relationship and throws himself full-forced into it until he burns out and crashes again."

"That's understandable. But I mean, there has to be a balance. I think... I do think that it might behoove him to work on learning how to deal with some of his issues if he had a special someone supporting him," Lily said slowly, her words carefully thought out.

"What do you mean, exactly?"

Lily bit her lip, thinking for a moment. "Well, you know... Sirius has trust issues. His family is shite. He has a long list of intense, unstable relationships. He flits around from one person to the next and I think a lot of that stems from fear of abandonment. It's easier to leave before you're left, you know? I've gotten the impression over the years that Sirius doesn't recognize that people care about him. It just totally goes over his head. So maybe if he had someone in his life that could assure him that they're there for him and care about him and support him, he might be motivated to try and get better. It's hard trying to build up the motivation to want to get better for yourself... because in most cases with these sorts of issues... well, you hate yourself. You don't think you're worth saving. So it's easier to start out by wanting to get better for someone else. I... you know I've dealt with depression for a long time, Rem, right?"

Remus nodded. "Yeah, of course."

Lily swallowed, her eyes darting to the floor. "When we were sixteen, I was suicidal. I was going to... I tried to..." she paused, tears welling in her eyes. "James found me. He didn't know that I was going to... you know. But he must have sensed something was wrong, because he refused to leave my side. He sat in the lounge with me all night. And for the first time ever, he didn't talk me to death. We just sat there and watched the telly... I don't even know what was on, I think it was old episodes of Ally McBeal, something just dreadful that I'm sure he hated. But he watched with me and would occasionally try and make conversation with me. Asking what my summer plans were, where I wanted to apply for uni. And he just kept saying really nice things about me, Rem. Like how he wished that he had my knack for chemistry, because he was absolute pants at it, and he knew he could never follow in his dad's footsteps and study medicine. And just by the way he looked at me, for the first time it dawned on me that he wasn't just this arrogant rich boy prat who thought he could have me simply because he was James Potter. He looked at me like I was... like I was something special. And that really struck me, because I didn't feel that way about myself, at all."

Remus nodded, placing a hand over Lily's trembling one. "Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

Lily nodded, sniffling. "I'm sorry, I just... it's still hard to talk about, you know?" She cleared her throat, sniffling back a few tears. "Anyway, when I decided to start going back to therapy and really trying to manage my depression, I did it for him. Like, I couldn't rationalize in my head wanting to get better for me. So I told myself 'I'm going to try and deal with all of these bad thoughts in my head because I want to be able to see what James sees in me. I want to understand why he was looking at me like I'm special.' And I kept telling myself that until I was able to want it for myself."

"Lily, I didn't know you-"

"I didn't advertise it, Rem. Only Sev knew. I mean... everyone knew I wasn't quite right, but... it's embarrassing. I didn't want everyone to think I was crazy," Lily explained, her voice barely above a whisper.

Remus nodded, unsure of what to say.

"The hardest part of having a mental disorder is accepting that it's a part of you and that all you can do is manage it to keep symptoms at bay. It's a delicate balancing act, and it takes work. Which is why in the beginning, it really... at least for me... made it easier to take those first steps, having someone in my life that I wanted to get better for."

"It makes sense... I want to be there for him. If I could help him, I'd do anything, you know that," Remus said softly, gazing down at the floor.

"I know... that's why you're really perfect for him, if you think about it. He already trusts you. He knows you care about him... you're good for him, Rem."

"We're going to have to talk to him about all of this, you know. He needs to start taking care of himself," Remus noted, sighing. "That's going to be an ugly scene."

"I know," Lily agreed, nodding. "But we have to. It's past the point of pretending this never happened and carrying on as if everything is normal. He needs some help."

"I know... He's still going to be angry, though."

"Let him be angry. Part of being a good friend is looking out for their best interests. He's suicidal, Rem."

Remus froze, mouth ajar. "What?" he asked dumbly, brows furrowed in confusion.

"I mean... maybe not actively suicidal, but he's passively suicidal, Remus. He told me his first thought after regaining consciousness was that he wished he hadn't woken up. That's not... he's not in a good place," Lily continued, her eyes watering.

"Did you, does James-"

"James knows. I didn't tell him what Sirius said, but I pointedly agreed with Regulus' comments to him about Sirius' mental state... he went to see his dad. I think he's going to tell Sirius' therapist that everyone is concerned about his mental state..." Lily interrupted, biting her lip nervously.

"Good. So they'll... they'll make sure he's safe, right?"

Lily nodded. "They'll probably do an evaluation, and put into motion any steps that need to be taken to ensure he stays safe. So long as he isn't actively suicidal, I imagine they'll sort out some sort of safety plan to adhere to, should he begin to exhibit warning signs of suicidal ideation," she explained.

Remus nodded, blinking back tears.

"He's going to be okay, Remus."

"Promise?"

"Promise."