"Hello Sirius," Dr. Fairgood said cheerfully, entering his room.
Sirius looked up from his phone, suppressing a groan. "Hi," he replied shortly, turning his attention back to his phone.
"How are you feeling?" Dr. Fairgood prompted, taking a seat beside his bed.
Sirius shrugged, scrolling through his Facebook news-feed. "Fine," he muttered, chewing his bottom lip. I should have just seen the resident shrink. I could have just bullshitted my way through another psych eval. Fuck.
"Would you like to put your phone down, for the moment?" Dr. Fairgood asked, her tone clearly indicating that she was demanding, not asking him to do so.
Sirius rolled his eyes, making a great show of slamming his phone down onto his bedside table. "There," he muttered, scowling.
"I understand you were in an accident," Dr. Fairgood noted, procuring a notepad from her handbag.
Sirius shrugged. "Obviously," he snorted, folding his arms against his chest.
"You were driving drunk."
Sirius remained silent.
"I know that we've discussed this before, but I want to ask you some questions about your drinking habits."
Sirius frowned. "If you're going to tell me I'm an alcoholic, just go ahead and say it. It's rubbish. I drink because I want to, not because I need to," he sneered.
Dr. Fairgood scribbled something down on her pad, a single eyebrow raised. "Have you been drinking more than usual, lately?" she asked.
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe."
"Have you been drinking as a means to cope with difficult or uncomfortable feelings?"
"No." Yes.
"Have you blacked out from drinking in the past month."
"Yes," Sirius agreed reluctantly, knuckles white as he clenched his fist. "The night of my accident."
Dr. Fairgood nodded. "Have any friends or family expressed concern about your drinking?"
"No." Yes.
"Do you feel out of control?"
"Yes. But not with my drinking," Sirius muttered, scowling.
"What do you mean by that?" she asked calmly, crossing one slim leg over the other.
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know... I just... Everything is falling apart and I don't know what I can do to stop it. Or if I even want to."
"The admitting physician has expressed concern that your accident may have been a result of suicidal thoughts... I'm going to ask you a series of questions, alright?"
Sirius frowned, shaking his head. "I'm not suicidal! I didn't... I didn't do it on purpose, Christ! I just... I got drunk and was careless."
"Your blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit, Sirius. Were you aware of that?" she asked calmly, her expression neutral.
Sirius shook his head. "No, I didn't. So what? What does that mean?"
"It's worrisome that you were able to even operate a moving vehicle when you were heavily intoxicated."
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"I want you to understand that concern has been raised over your well-being. I am legally obligated to assess your mental status to ensure your safety. Your answers to these questions will stay between you and I."
"You're going to have me committed to some mental ward, aren't you?" Sirius asked accusingly, temper rising.
"No, Sirius. That isn't what this is about. As your doctor, I am assessing how best to proceed with your treatment. You've been in an accident as a result of your drinking. Reckless behavior is as you are well aware, a common symptom of borderline personality disorder, and this incident falls into that category. We need to come up with a treatment plan to work on controlling the negative symptoms and behaviors you exhibit. Conducting this assessment is the first step, alright?"
Sirius remained silent, scowling.
"You told me before that you don't want to feel this way, Sirius. I believe your words were that you feel crazy, correct?"
Sirius nodded.
"Do you want to get better, Sirius?"
Sirius remained silent for several minutes. Remus would want me to say yes. Tersely, Sirius nodded. "I just don't want to feel crazy, anymore. I'm so tired," he said lowly, staring down at his lap.
Dr. Fairgood cleared her throat. "Have you ever wished you were dead or wished you could go to sleep and not wake up?"
Sirius paused, taken aback by her question. "I guess... Sometimes," he mumbled.
"Have you actually had any thoughts of killing yourself?"
Sirius frowned. "Not recently," he replied, biting his lip.
"Have you ever done anything, started to do anything, or prepared to do anything to end your life?"
"I tried to kill myself a few months ago. You know that, already. I slashed my wrists open," Sirius replied, shrugging.
"Do you ever put yourself into compromising situations in the hope of harming yourself?"
Sirius' brows furrowed, confused. "What do you mean by that?"
"For example, have you ever drank too much or taken too many pills in the hopes that something bad would happen to you as a result?"
Sirius stared down at his lap. Yes.
"Sirius?
"I wish I was dead. I'm so fucking tired of all of this," he muttered angrily, gesturing wildly. "I fucking hate my life. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it."
"Sirius," Dr. Fairgood said calmly, eyeing him with concern.
"That's what you all want me to say, isn't it?" he shrieked, angry tears welling in his eyes. "Isn't it? I didn't fucking try to kill myself! But I'm sorry that I didn't. I wish I hadn't woken up."
The two sat in silence for several minutes, Dr. Fairgood's expression calm, apparently nonplussed by Sirius' outburst.
Sirius breathed heavily, nostrils flared in rage. The monitor beside him beeped as his heart-rate increased.
"I don't believe you're actively suicidal," Dr. Fairgood said finally, her tone neutral.
"Great, that's wonderful," Sirius retorted sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
"However, as I told you before, I do believe you have passive suicidal ideation. And as I've said before, that can be just as dangerous as being actively suicidal."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "So what are you telling me? Are you going to lock me up in the loony bin or what?" he snarled, sharp canine teeth bared as he curled his upper lip.
"If you would agree to it, I would like to have a meeting with you and your parents-"
"I'm estranged from my parents," Sirius interrupted, scowling.
"You live with Dr. and Mrs. Potter, correct?"
Sirius nodded.
"I would like for Dr. and Mrs. Potter to join us in a meeting to discuss developing an action plan to put into place, should you find yourself beginning to have active suicidal thoughts. It would serve a dual purpose in acting as safety plan, in an effort to begin to manage your impulsive, self-destructive behavior," Dr. Fairgood continued, jotting something down on her notepad.
"What do you mean?"
Dr. Fairgood coughed, clearing her throat. "Well, together we would discuss and identify things that trigger impulsive behavior in you: thoughts; moods; situations, whatever it may be that sets you off and makes you react with such behaviors," she began, looking at Sirius expectantly.
"Okay," he muttered, nodding. "What else?"
"Next, we'd compile a list of internal coping strategies you can use should you find yourself being triggered by something."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "And?"
"The third step would be compiling a list of people and places that could provide a distraction."
"Okay," Sirius muttered. "That's fine. Whatever. I don't see why they need to be a part of this."
"Part of successfully managing an illness like Borderline Personality Disorder is building a support system that you can utilize to help you through your struggles. As you are living with the Potters', one would assume that they, as your de facto family would be an integral part of your support system. Including them in creating this safety plan would help them understand what you're feeling and going through and how they can help you. Does that make sense to you?"
Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I guess so," he agreed.
"Would you feel comfortable having the Potters join us, right now?" Dr. Fairgood asked, eyeing him expectantly.
Sirius shrugged. "Yeah... I guess so."
Sirius stared down at his lap as the Potters entered his hospital room. He chewed on his lower lip as Dr. Fairgood explained to him what they had discussed minutes prior. Let's get this fucking over with. Why did I even agree to this, oh god, I can't do this..
"Sirius," Dr. Fairgood said calmly, drawing Sirius' attention.
"Hmm," he muttered, at last glancing up.
He winced, uncomfortable by the four sets of eyes gazing at him.
"Would you like to tell the Potters how you've been feeling?"
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know... Everything has just been shite lately. I... well, I guess you all know I got kicked out of uni. Because I was acting crazy. I don't know how to control myself... I just... I get into these moods and I don't even know why I do the things I do. I just... I don't know," he mumbled, staring down at his hands, picking at the scabs begging to form from his scrapes.
"Sirius has agreed to creating a safety plan to put in place, should he begin to have thoughts or feelings that might lead him to do things that could put himself in danger," Dr. Fairgood continued, turning her gaze towards the Potters. "Dr. Potter, as we discussed before, you and your wife would like to be a part of Sirius' treatment, correct?"
"Of course," Mrs. Potter said, tears forming in her eyes. "Anything that we can do to help."
"Obviously, Sirius will need a support system to help him with managing his illness. As his family, it is important that you understand what triggers him and what you can do to help," Dr. Fairgood noted, turning her attention to Sirius.
"This is so stupid," Sirius muttered, crossing his arms.
"I think it's a good idea," James said lowly, shooting Sirius a pleading look.
"I'm not a fucking child, James. I don't need a safety plan," he scoffed.
"Sirius, it's a precautionary measure. It's not meant to belittle you or imply that you need it. A safety plan is just that; an action plan put into place should an occasion arise a need for it," Dr. Potter noted, looking to Dr. Fairgood for confirmation.
"Precisely," Dr. Fairgood agreed, nodding. "The idea behind it is to have a resource to go to should you be in a moment of crisis. When you're in a panic or having urges, it's difficult to focus and think rationally. Having a written down plan gives you a tool to take control of your impulses and choose an alternative coping mechanism."
"I guess," Sirius sighed. "Fine. Let's just do this, then."
Patient Safety Plan- Sirius Orion Black III
1. Warning signs that a crisis may be developing:
Dissociating
Urge to drink/use
Contact from birth family
Sudden change in mood
Uncontrollable anger
2. Internal coping strategies:
Taking a hot shower/nap
Visualization
Deep breathing
Going for a run
3. People and social settings that provide distraction:
Lily Evans
Remus Lupin
coffee shop
the gym
4. People whom I can ask for help:
James Potter
Dr. & Mrs. Potter
Remus Lupin
Lily Evans
5. Professionals or agencies I can contact during a crisis:
Dr. Fairgood
Dr. Riviera
St. Mary's Emergency Room
6. Making the environment safe:
Keeping drugs/alcohol out of reach
Having car keys taken away if necessary
*The one thing most important to me and worth living for is: Remus Lupin.
Sirius lay sprawled out on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He'd been released from the hospital four days prior. The drive home had been quiet and uncomfortable, Sirius refusing to answer any of James or Mrs. Potter's questions about how he was feeling. As soon as the car had pulled into the driveway, Sirius had darted towards the house, clamoring up the stairs to his room, where he promptly locked his door. James and the Potters, sensing his irritability, had given him space, leaving Sirius to his own devices. He'd reluctantly answered text messages from Lily and Remus, asking him if he had been released from the hospital, then decided to turn off his phone. While he'd been desperate for outside contact while in the hospital, the very thought of having to speak to anyone about how he was feeling or what had happened made Sirius feel claustrophobic. He needed space. He needed to breathe. Pointedly ignoring the safety contract he'd reluctantly placed on his desk, Sirius had elected to snort two xanax bars, in the hope of getting some sleep. Once he'd taken the xanax, he'd turned on his favorite relaxing iTunes play list, which he'd created for such occasions, and lied down on his floor, staring up at the ceiling. Just like old times, back at boarding school. The only thing that had been missing was Moony. Moony. Despite the kiss and quiet confession exchanged the morning after his accident, Sirius had yet to broach the topic with Remus again. He'd spoken with Remus since then, certainly. Remus had come to visit him every day, filling him in on what was going on with their friends, what books he was reading, and what had happened at the cafe Remus worked at part-time. With each day that passed, he had started to feel more like himself. He'd showered, talked to Mrs. Potter, and eaten a few meals, though he'd mostly kept to himself, staying in his room.
Sirius turned his head, his thoughts interrupted by a knock on his door. "Come in," he called out, arching his back to stretch.
James emerged through the door, eyeing Sirius cautiously. "Hey," he said quietly, pausing just inside the doorway.
"What's up?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.
"How're you feeling? You've been pretty... quiet the past couple of days?" James stammered, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"I'm okay. Just... Needed to rest, you know?" Sirius replied, sitting up and turning to face James.
"What day is it?" Sirius asked, wrinkling his nose. Though he'd turned his phone back on and had responded to a select few messages from friends, he'd somehow lost track of how much time had passed since his release.
"It's Friday," James replied lightly, relaxing some and taking a seat at Sirius' desk.
"Ah, so it's the weekend, at last. What's the plan?" Sirius asked excitedly.
"Well, Marlene is having a party tonight," James started.
"Oh?" Sirius asked.
"Yeah. I don't know if you're feeling up for it, but-"
"No, of course I am. I want to go out," Sirius said eagerly, eyes brightening with excitement.
"Alright," James agreed, grinning as well.
"James..." Sirius started, a worried look forming on his face.
"What's up?" James asked, unnerved by Sirius' sudden change in mood.
"Do people know?" Sirius asked quietly, biting his lower lip.
James eyed him critically for a moment. "We didn't tell anyone you were in the hospital, Pads. So unless you mentioned it to anyone, no one knows."
"Okay," Sirius said quietly, nodding.
"Did you?" James asked curiously.
"No. I didn't... its not something I wanted advertised, I guess. That's the last thing I need... Another incident showing what a bloody trainwreck I am," Sirius said wryly, lips pursed together.
"Of course," James agreed.
"So what time should we go over?" Sirius asked, changing the subject.
"Dunno, nine or ten?"
"Works for me," Sirius noted glancing at his phone. It was 7:30.
"You going to drink?" James asked cautiously.
"Yeah," Sirius agreed, shooting James a pointed look. "And?"
"Nothing, nothing. Just... " he trailed off, sighing.
"What, James?" Sirius pressed, a hint of anger in his tone.
"Nothing, Sirius. Just, you're not..." he nodded towards Sirius' desk, where the safety contract was in sight.
"I'm not drinking because I'm angry or upset, James. I'm going to drink because it's a party and it's fun and I want to let off a little steam after all this bullshit," he said tersely, arms folded against his chest.
James nodded, rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand. "Okay, okay. Let's have a bite to eat then, since I suppose we're getting pissed tonight?" he suggested, smiling brightly.
"Sure," Sirius agreed, smiling as well. "Food sounds good."
Sirius stood beside James and Lily, staring down into his drink as Marlene chattered away about her latest make up/break up with Fabian Prewett. He brought his beer bottle to his lips, taking a swig. He nodded as Marlene turned her attention to him, asking whether she had made the right choice in breaking things off again.
"I mean, he just fucks everyone, anyway. Why pretend he cares about me and will change when I know he'll be back in some other girls knickers within three days, right?" She asked, rolling her eyes dramatically.
Sirius nodded. "No point, then," he agreed chugging the last of his beer. "Got anything a bit stronger, Marley?" he asked sweetly, offering the blonde one of his most charming smiles.
"I'll share my vodka with you if you'll do shots with me, "Marlene replied, shooting him a knowing grin.
James and Lily exchanged looks. "I don't know- "
"Oh come on, James, it's a party. Lighten up," Sirius whined, pouting.
James sighed. "Don't overdo it," Lily said softly, resting her hand lightly on James' shoulder as he opened his mouth to protest.
Sirius smirked, triumphant. "Cheers, Lils," he said lightly, clinking his empty beer bottle to hers.
James frowned as he watched Marlene lead Sirius into the kitchen. "I don't think this is a good idea," he muttered, taking a sip of his beer.
"I think he's okay, James. I mean he's been in good spirits all night, and you drove here so you don't have to worry about him up and leaving... he's had a miserable couple of days. Let him relax some."
James sighed. "I guess you're right... I just worry. "
"I know dear," Lily laughed, kissing him lightly on the lips. "When is Remus getting here?" she asked, craning her neck to get a better view of the front door.
James shrugged. "He said he'd be here after he got off work at eleven. Why?"
"Oh, no reason," Lily shrugged, her expression unreadable. "Has he um, been to see Sirius since he got home?"
"Nah. Sirius wanted to be alone. He spent the first day sleeping, then he talked to mum for hours the next day. He's mostly just lounged about the house. I think he wanted to decompress some after having all that attention focused on him," James elaborated.
Lily nodded. "Makes sense," she noted, barely concealing a smirk on her face.
"You know something, " James said suddenly, eyeing Lily suspiciously.
"What do you mean?" Lily laughed, glancing down at the floor.
"Did Remus-"
"Oh Christ, James. You never let me have any fun. They kissed. And admitted that they fancy one another," Lily interrupted, pouting.
James paused, taken aback. "So are they dating now?"
Lily shook her head. "No, no. Remus said they haven't even broached the subject since it happened... I was just curious as to whether he's been holding out on me or not."
"God you're a busy body, aren't you?" James teased.
"I just think they'd be a cute couple, is all," Lily protested, blushing.
"Who'd be a cute couple?" Remus asked lightly, approaching the pair.
"Oh, Remus!" Lily cried, throwing her arms around his neck. "You're here!"
"Got out a little early," Remus noted, taking a sip of his beer. "Where's Sirius? Did he change his mind about coming?"
Lily and James exchanged looks, the corners of Lily's mouth rising into a smirk. "What's that look for, Lils?" Remus asked suspiciously.
"Nothing," she said quickly, green eyes shining with laughter. "Just a bit buzzed, I suppose."
"Sirius was kidnapped by Marlene. They're doing shots in the kitchen, I believe. Maybe you should go save him," James noted, nodding towards the kitchen.
Remus nodded. "Does he seem... is he..."
"He's in good spirits, Rem. And you know Sirius. He wanted to drink. And if Sirius wants to do something, he's going to do it, one way or another. Better to just let him do it and keep the circumstance under control, right?" James noted, shrugging his shoulders.
Remus nodded in agreement. "You're right."
"I'm sure he'll be excited to see you," James added, a small smile on his face.
Remus turned his attention to Lily, who was grinning widely. "Lily Evans, you are a shite friend, he laughed, shaking his head. "Of course you told him, didn't you, you slag?" he asked, feigning anger.
"Sorry, Lily said apologetically, still grinning.
"You guys are the worst," Remus muttered, rolling his eyes.
James and Lily exchanged looks, grinning madly. "Go find Sirius," James urged, nodding towards the kitchen.
Remus nodded, taking a swig of his beer. "Alright," he agreed, smiling as well.
"I heard you broke up with Mark," Marlene noted, tossing back a shot of vodka. The pair had taken a few shots, and Sirius was beginning to feel it's effect, although he'd switched back to beer.
"Yeah," he agreed, taking a small sip from the bottle.
"You know, I've always wondered something," Marlene started, eyeing him curiously.
"Hmm?" Sirius asked dully.
"How come we never dated?"
Sirius shrugged. "I dunno Marls... we've been friends since we were kids, it would have been weird."
"But it wasn't weird for us to hook up?" she prompted, taking another shot.
"Sex is sex," he replied, shrugging.
Marlene shrugged, reaching for the bottle of vodka. "You know I've always been attracted to you," she slurred, sloppily pouring herself another shot and spilling onto her shirt in the process.
"Christ, Marley give me that," Sirius interrupted, pulling the bottle out of her hands. He placed it on the counter, away from her.
"I want you," she whispered, lazily tossing her arms around his neck, lurching forward. "Come on, Siri. Please? You let everyoneee have you... fuck me, please," she whispered, her breath hot on Sirius' skin.
Sirius froze, a wave of nausea hitting him. "What did you just say?" he said lowly, shoving her off of him.
"Sirius, I just meant... well, Christ, you go to bed with everyone so why not?" she muttered, incredulous.
"Piss off, Marlene," he snarled, snatching the bottle of vodka with one hand. In one smooth motion, he brought the bottle to his lips, chugging a great swig of it down. He slammed the bottle back onto the counter, wiping his mouth with his arm.
"For the record, I don't shag everyone," he said sourly, shooting her a daggers.
"Sirius I didn't mean-"
"spare me, Marlene. Save your apologies for someone who gives a damn," he interrupted, storming off from the kitchen.
As Sirius swung the door open leading back to the living room, he found himself face to face with Remus. "Rem," he said quietly, a small smile forming on his face.
"What's the matter, what's wrong?" Remus asked, concerned.
"Nothing, now that you're here," Sirius replied, pulling Remus into an embrace as the door swung behind them, leaving the incident in the kitchen behind.
"I missed you," he whispered, his lips pressed to Remus' neck.
"Missed you, too. How are you feeling?" Remus asked, lightly pressing his lips to Sirius' neck, reciprocating the gesture.
"Good. Great. Amazing. I'm free. And you're here. Moony. My Moony," Sirius replied, swaying slightly.
"You're drunk," Remus laughed shaking his head.
"A little," Sirius agreed, grinning.
"Were you feeling very punk rock today?" Remus asked teasingly, taking in Sirius' attire. He'd worn a tight pair of black jeans torn at the knees with a ratty D.O.A. T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, completing the ensemble with his scuffed Doc Martin's.
"You love it," Sirius slurred, shooting Remus an attempt at a seductive look.
"It's cute. You're cute, pretending to be a punk," Remus noted, smirking.
"I am so, punk rock, Moony. Don't deny it."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Let us keep in mind, just because you dress like a punk does not make you punk rock."
"How would you know?" Sirius protested in mock seriousness.
"I am more punk rock than you will ever be, Sirius Black," Remus replied, deadpanned.
"Prove it."
"I don't need to prove it," Remus replied smugly.
"Says the lad in the cardigan," Sirius snorted.
"Piss off," Remus laughed, shaking his head. "You love my cardigans."
"Maybe," Sirius replied sheepishly. "They're cute. You're cute," he noted, repeating Remus' earlier sentiment.
"It's nice to see you smiling again," Remus said softly, lightly grazing Sirius' jaw with his fingers as he brushed a strand of hair from out of Sirius face.
"You know, suddenly I don't feel to keen on all this socialization," Sirius noted, shooting Remus a pointed look.
"Want to get out of here?" Remus asked.
"Absofuckinglutely."
