A/N: Apologies in advance for using what some might consider to be a tired narrative device, text messages. Still, for reference in this chapter:

normal is James
italics is Remus
bold and italics is Lily
Underlined is Regulus


Sirius sighed contently, resting his head on Remus' shoulder. The pair had caught a cab from Marlene's back to Remus' flat, and had barely parted lips since they'd arrived, quickly settling into Remus' bed. Sirius, his head spinning from the liquor and the thrill of kissing Remus, his Remus, had hastily ripped his shirt off, kicking off his combat boots the moment they'd entered the flat. "I'm glad we came back here," Sirius mumbled, leaning up to brush his lips against Remus'.

"Yeah?" Remus asked cheerfully, offering Sirius a warm smile.

"Mhmm," Sirius replied, tugging at Remus' shirt. "Aren't you hot?" he asked suggestively, smirking.

"Maybe," Remus agreed, unbuttoning his shirt. He tossed it aside, laughing as Sirius shot him a salacious grin.

"Much better," he told him, pulling him in for a kiss.

"So," Remus started, drumming his fingers slowly along Sirius' collarbone.

"So?" Sirius repeated, gray eyes watching him curiously.

"So I've been wondering..." he trailed off, golden brown hair falling into his eyes as he tilted his head down, thinking.

"What've you been wondering, Moony?" Sirius asked, cupping Remus' chin in his hand, tilting his head up to face him.

"Well... you know that I like you and I was just wondering where your head's at about us..." Remus mumbled, loosely wrapping his fingers around Sirius'.

Sirius smiled weakly, pecking Remus on the lips. "You know I like you too, Moony," he started, his eyes darting down to the floor. "But..."

"But?" Remus asked, panic rippling through his veins.

Sirius paused, looking uncomfortable. "It has been suggested to me by my shrink that I have a tendency to... rush into relationships. Which feeds into my impulsiveness. And since I've agreed to work on... you know... managing my BPD some... And because I really, really like you, I was thinking we should... you know..." he glanced up at Remus, a fearful look in his eyes. "If you don't mind, of course... I mean, I'd understand if you don't-"

"I have no problem at all taking things slow, Sirius," Remus interrupted, bemused by Sirius' rare display of insecurity.

"Oh good, good!" Sirius replied, his face lighting up with relief.

"You didn't really think I'd say no, did you?" Remus asked, smirking.

"I don't know, Remus! Don't make fun of me! This is... it's new for me," Sirius replied, shrugging.

"I know, I know," Remus laughed, wrapping his arms around Sirius' waist. "It's cute. You're cute."

"You're cute," Sirius repeated, pressing his lips to Remus'.

"Want you, Rem," Sirius whispered, mouthing the words against Remus' lips.

Remus smiled, pressing his lips harder to Sirius', deepening the kiss.

"Mmmm," Sirius moaned, fingers wandering down Remus' chest, settling at the waistband of his jeans, where he struggled with the button.

Remus shifted, a tad uncomfortable with the sudden turn of events. "Siri," he said calmly, reaching for Sirius' hand and pulling it out of reach of the fly of his jeans. "I'm exhausted," he yawned, throwing his arms around Sirius' neck and pulling him into an embrace.

"It's been a long day, Padfoot. I worked all evening and you've been drinking, so you must be tired, too. Let's just snuggle some, alright?" he mumbled, gently stroking the nape of Sirius' neck.

He carefully removed his hold on Sirius, curling up onto his left side, glancing up at Sirius, shooting him hopeful looks. "Please?" he said softly, giving him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I'm just tired," he lied, again yawning, for effect.

"Mmm okay," Sirius mumbled, following Remus' lead and curling up on his side, right arm securely wrapped around Remus' waist.

"This is nice," he whispered into Remus' ear, nuzzling Remus' shoulder.

"Mhmm," Remus agreed, sighing contently.

Sirius yawned, pulling Remus closer still. "Night Moony," he whispered, the faint scent of liquor on his breath.

Remus listened as Sirius' breath evening, signaling that he was asleep.

"Night, Padfoot," Remus whispered, his eyes fluttering shut as he fell into unconsciousness as well.


"So, did you fuck him, yet?" Lily asked, glancing up at Remus from her biochemistry textbook.

She had come round Remus' flat under the guise of studying, but thus far had only managed to drink three cups of tea and suggest that Remus allow her to cut his hair.

Remus blanched, nearly choking on the sip of tea he had just taken. "I beg your pardon?" he asked, a horrified expression on his face.

"What?" Lily asked, shrugging. "The two of you looked pretty cozy when you ditched us at Marlene's party so I assumed you'd done it by now."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Sirius wants to take it slow... We're just, you know... hanging out. Nothing official, yet. He doesn't want to rush into a relationship, given his... impulse control issues."

"Makes sense, I suppose," Lily noted, head cocked to the side, considering. "But still, that doesn't explain why you haven't shagged yet."

Remus rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his tea. "And why do you say that, Lils?"

"Well..." she started, bringing her cup to her lips, "Sirius is a sex fiend. I can't see him going very long without it."

Remus stared down into his tea, muttering something under his breath.

"What was that, Rem?"

"I may have been... a little hesitant to go all the way with him, which is why we haven't yet," he said lowly, eyes fixated on his tea cup.

"Why?" Lily asked, genuinely curious.

Remus shrugged. "I don't..." he started, lips twitching as he struggled to find the words he wanted. "I know Sirius likes to go bareback and I don't... I'm not comfortable with that... With not using protection. But I don't want him to think I'm a prude, so I've been avoiding it altogether until I figure out how to broach the subject with him," he concluded, sighing heavily.

"Just tell him you want to use condoms, Rem. I doubt he'd care... I mean, he's your best mate. He'll understand."

"I guess," Remus mumbled, taking another sip of tea. "Why does it have to be so awkward?"

"It's only awkward if you make it awkward, Rem. You've shagged other blokes before, haven't you? Did you have any problem asking them to use protection?" Lily asked casually, eyeing him intently.

Remus shrugged. "Obviously. But it wasn't weird with them. The guys I've been with are all lit majors who are monogamous... it's implied that a condom is required."

"So why is it weird with Sirius?"

Remus sighed. "Because it's Sirius. You know how he is, Lily. It's a bloody miracle he hasn't contracted anything worse than he's had, given all the unprotected sex he has. He's so... Nonchalant about it. And it makes me nervous that he might expect that I be okay with not using a condom and it's just too much, Lily... Is it too early for us to start drinking?" he asked, biting his lower lip.

"I think he'd be receptive to wanting to use protection, Rem. He seems to be trying to turn over a new leaf, and lord knows he needs improvement in the risky sexual activity department. Just talk to him about it."

Remus nodded, rapping his fingers on the kitchen table.

"You could always just buy some condoms and keep them on you... that way if things start heading in that direction, you have them on hand. No awkward conversation necessary," Lily suggested, smiling brightly.

"That doesn't seem too bad an idea," Remus noted, nodding in agreement. "I could do that."

"Have you asked him to get an AIDS test done?"

"Lily!" Remus yelled, incredulous. "I can't just... he'd be offended if I were to-"

"You really should have it done, Rem. Both of you," Lily interrupted, shooting him a knowing look.

"Oh, because we're queer?"

"No, because you're beginning a relationship together and Sirius' sexual history is suspect, at best. James and I both got full STI screenings when we started dating. Just to be safe," Lily retorted, shrugging.

"Christ," Remus muttered, burying his head in his hands. "You're too much."

"I'm just saying, better safe than sorry," Lily called out in a sing-song voice.

"You're embarrassing, Lily."

"What's embarrassing is that I let you pine over Sirius for years when I should have done something about it myself. You two would probably be sharing a flat by now if I had!"

Remus groaned, rolling his eyes. "You're a little too invested in my love life, Lils. I hope you aren't expecting a play by play of the event once we finally do shag," he muttered sarcastically.

"Oh no," Lily replied, grinning wickedly. "I'm planning to get that on tape."

"I hate you," Remus groaned.

"So are you okay with taking things slow?" Lily asked, switching to a more neutral subject.

"Yeah," Remus replied, shrugging. "Obviously I'd prefer more, but given everything that's happened... I do think he should focus on himself for the time being. We'll get there... If that's what he wants, too."

"Oi, stop with the self-deprecation, Rem! It's obvious he's got it pretty bad for you."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Lily."

"Obviously he likes you enough that he respected the fact that you weren't ready to fuck him immediately," Lily scoffed.

"Oh, so he must really like me since he didn't rape me, is that what you're saying?" Remus asked dryly.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Sirius is notorious for getting what he wants. If he didn't give a shit about you, he'd have just manipulated you and wore you down until you went along with what he wanted. It's just how he is. He'd only respect boundaries if he really likes someone."

"I suppose you're right about that... Sirius has never taken no very well," Remus noted, frowning.

"Have you discussed whether you're going to be exclusive or?" Lily asked.

Remus shrugged. "Lily, I'm not ever exactly sure what we are. I don't know if we're hanging out in the sense that we're two mates who make out and will eventually have casual sex, or if we're hanging out, as in the prelude to dating. And even then, I don't know if we'll be exclusive or just casually dating or what... And oh Christ, my head is spinning now, just thinking about it."

"You should probably talk to him about where you stand with all of that," Lily stated, her tone surprisingly serious.

"Can't I just wait it out and see where this goes?" Remus whined, resting his head on the table.

"I just think you should know whether you're the only one he's going to be intimate with if you're going to let him," Lily noted sternly.

Remus swallowed, hard. "You're right," he said somberly, gritting his teeth. The thought of Sirius with someone else made his stomach churn.

"Do you think he'd... Or that he already is..." he trailed off, unable to bring himself to say the words caught on his lips.

"I dunno, Rem. But I think you need to ask him."

"Alright. Alright. I will."


"How has your week been, Sirius?"

Sirius shrugged. "Fine," he muttered, digging his nails into his arms. He'd spent the morning helping Lily with her biochemistry homework, which had put him in a foul mood. I can't believe everyone will be starting the fall semester in two weeks, and I'll be stuck sitting at home doing nothing.

"How have things been at home?"

"Alright."

"Have you spoken to Mark since your falling out with him?" she asked, paging through her notepad.

"No," Sirius replied, shrugging. "I don't care, I'm over him."

"Oh?"

"Mhmm," Sirius affirmed, smiling slightly.

"Have you met someone new?"

"Not exactly."

"What do you mean by that?" Dr. Fairgood asked, scribbling something down on her pad.

"Just... I'm trying to take things slow with someone I like. You said that I rush into things and that throwing myself into relationships is part of my impulse control so... I'm trying to ease into it. Maybe this will actually last," Sirius explained.

"How did you meet this... I understand your last partner was male, but you identified as bisexual-"

"It's a boy. I'm... I generally prefer men," Sirius interrupted, gritting his teeth.

"How did you meet him?" Dr. Fairgood pressed, much to Sirius' chagrin. Why does it fucking matter? Jesus Christ, I'm sorry I said anything.

"He's one of my best mates. We roomed together in boarding school and everything," Sirius replied, struggling to keep his temperament even.

"Have you been intimate with him?"

"I haven't fucked him yet if that's what your asking," Sirius muttered, rolling his eyes. Though if I had my way, I'd have fucked him three ways to Friday, already.

"Do you think it's wise to begin pursuing a relationship when you're beginning treatment?" Dr. Fairgood asked, eyeing him curiously.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, rolling his eyes. "I'm taking it slowly. What, I shouldn't get laid or have someone to connect with just because I'm in fucking therapy? Is that what you're saying?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, thoughts racing as he blocked out Dr. Fairgood's words. I'm sorry I told him we should take it slow. I should have just grabbed him the second we got back to his flat and shagged him stupid. Who was I kidding, thinking this would help anything? Therapy is bullshit...

"Sirius?"

He glanced up, shooting Dr. Fairgood a quizzical look. "What?"

"I wanted to know if you've decided on what goals you would like to achieve from our sessions together."

"I don't bloody know," he whined, rolling his eyes. "I just want to get cleared to go back to university."

"When we last spoke, you mentioned your interest in reducing your symptoms, correct?" Dr. Fairgood asked calmly, offering him an easy smile.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed.

"Is there anything else you'd like for us to work on?"

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know, I guess improvement in functioning? That's always been sort of an issue... I mean..." he trailed off, staring down at his feet.

"Go on," Dr. Fairgood said coaxingly, hands folded primly on her desk.

"Half the reason I end up doing so much blow is because I need it to function. Like, if it weren't for that, I wouldn't be able to make it through the day. Everything is too exhausting."

"You've had difficultly sleeping throughout the years, correct?"

"Yeah... Insomnia, I guess."

Dr. Fairgood nodded. "Very good. So we have set goals for what you would like to accomplish. I think that an SSRI paired with a low dose of lithium would be helpful in managing some of your symptoms, Sirius. Have you thought some more about giving medication another try, on a trial basis?"

"No, Sirius sneered. "Not doing it."

"What is holding you back from trying a regimen of medications?"

"Too many side effects. I can't fucking drink on an anti-depressant. I don't like how I feel on mood stabilizers. Pick a reason. Any of those apply," Sirius muttered, arms folded against his chest.

"What side effects are you concerned about?" Dr. Fairgood asked calmly, nonplussed by Sirius' obvious irritation.

Sirius' jaw clenched, anger radiating through his core. "I just... Do you listen to anything I say to you?" he screamed, shooting her an incredulous look. "I've fucking told you... I react badly to anti-depressants. They increase my suicidal thoughts. Especially because I drink. I don't want to be put on lithium or any other anti-psychotic... they all cause weight gain. Not doing it... nope. Did you even check my file? I have a co-occurring disorder, you stupid twat! Do you think someone with an eating disorder who still uses purging to cope with shit should be put on something that causes weight gain? Do you?"

"Sirius, I am suggesting a very low dosage of lithium, which would hardly cause side effects. And there are a host of SSRIs that we could try that could greatly subside some of your symptoms. The addition of lithium would be helpful in managing your impulse control, which you have admitted is one of your biggest issues-"

"This is bullshit," Sirius snapped, rising to his feet. "I'm done."

"Sirius, please sit down-"

"This session is over. Thanks for nothing," Sirius shouted, turning on his heel and barging out of her office, slamming the door shut behind him.


Cigarette dangling from his mouth, Sirius punched his dashboard, still wound up from his disastrous therapy appointment. He'd driven around town for nearly an hour, but had yet to calm down. "Fucking stupid bitch... Should have known she'd try to push meds on me as soon as I agreed to continue treatment," he muttered, gingerly rubbing his fist. Hit that a lot harder than I meant to. As soon as he'd walked out of her office, he'd sped out of the parking lot, instinctively driving towards his dealer's flat in Camden. However, out of guilt or something, he'd thought twice about scoring and had headed back towards home. Should have just gone and scored an eight-ball. Fuck, I need a drink. He'd parked his car at a Tesco, where he'd been chain-smoking while trying and failing to calm down. Remus had texted him three times, but he'd been too aggravated to bother reading them. As he tossed his spent cigarette out the window, he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He removed the phone, glancing down at the lit up screen. James. Sighing, he answered the call, bringing the phone to his ear.

"Why did you refuse to give meds a shot?" James asked angrily, not bothering with a greeting.

"What?" Sirius asked, taken aback by James' sudden aggression.

"Dad just got off the phone with Fairgood. She said you stormed out of your appointment after she brought up trying out some meds."

"So glad you're all checking up on me," Sirius said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Sirius, you said you'd at least try to-"

"Hanging up now, James," Sirius interrupted, knuckles turning white as he gripped the steering wheel with his free hand.

"Sirius-"

Sirius clicked end, tossing his phone into the backseat. Fucking arsehole. He scanned through the music catalog on his phone, selecting Metal Now by Say Anything. He cranked the stereo up as he put the car into reverse, speeding out of the parking lot back onto the highway. He lit another cigarette, steering with his right hand as he took deep drags, driving aimlessly. He heard his phone vibrating in the backseat, but paid it no mind. "Probably James," he muttered, scowling. Or the others. I'm sure he's got everyone worked up into a tizzy, over this. Fanfuckingtastic.

Once his anger had quelled some, he exited off the highway, electing to drive up and down the streets near campus. Can't believe I'm not coming back for the fall, he thought bitterly, lips curled up into a snarl. He gripped the steering wheel tightly, again overcome by a surge of rage. I need something to take the edge off. He frowned, catching a glimpse of the track James was forever dragging him to for friendly runs. Reluctantly, he found a parking space near the field house, gazing out the windshield for a moment as he finished up a cigarette. As he flicked ash out the window, he caught sight of the university pub, long one of his regular haunts, out of the corner of his eye. He paused for a moment, debating popping over to throw back a few. He sighed, frowning. You didn't go out and get high, even though you drove out to Camden. You're not shitfaced drunk, yet. Despite everything, you've managed to cope with this shit in a semi-healthy way. Might as well keep it up. Tossing the cigarette butt out the car window, he rolled the window up, shutting off the engine. He dragged himself out of the car, popping the trunk and grabbing the spare pair of gym shorts and trainers he'd kept in there for ages, remnants of his more athletic days. Never one for modesty, he tore off his jeans, changing into the shorts and trainers. Car keys safely put away in his pocket, he jogged off toward the track, eager for the release promised from a good long run.


Group text (Lily E, Remus L, Regulus B) from James P:

Sirius stormed out of therapy today. Apparently he freaked out when Fairgood suggested he give meds a shot again. He hung up on me when I asked him what was going on, and now he's refusing to answer my calls or texts, so it's safe to say he's in a mood. Has anyone been able to get a hold of him?

I texted him, no response.

I'll give him a ring.

Who's the unknown number in this chat?

Reg.

Sirius' brother. Thank you for keeping me in the loop, James.

I drove by his usual haunts. He's not there.

Want me to help look?

Stay put Moony. He's angry at me, so I doubt he'll come home. He'll go to you eventually.

Moony?

Sirius' best friend/object of affection/soul-mate

-_- stop it, Lily.

You know your brother fancies blokes, right? Awk.

James. Focus. We need to find Sirius. NOW.

Should we call his therapist? Do you think he's in danger?

No. I don't think we need to set his safety plan into action, just yet, but

Well?

?

Get on with it, James.

I know we discussed it before, but I think now is the time to put into action our contingency plan of an intervention to get him to comply with treatment.

Agreed.

Meet at Remus' to discuss?

I'm up in Oxford but I can be down to London in an hour.

Brilliant. Rem, text him the address. Lils, put out the word to everyone that if they see him they're to ring us immediately.

Done.

If anyone gets a hold of him, keep us all posted.