Remus stared down at his phone, cup of tea in hand, silently willing it to vibrate. Still no word from him. He pressed messages, finger hovering over Sirius' name as he considered sending him yet another message, freezing as he heard a knock on his front door. Shakily, he rose to his feet, silently praying that he would find Sirius standing in his doorway. He'd texted him nearly twenty-five times in the past hour, and had yet to receive a response back. With trembling hands, he turned the knob, opening the door halfway. He froze, staring at the figure before him. Sirius? No, it's his brother. "Regulus," he said, nodding at the boy.
"Remus," he replied curtly, right eyebrow arched carefully as he observed him. "May I come in?"
"Of course," Remus replied hastily, motioning for Regulus to follow him inside.
"Where's James?" he asked immediately, standing in the living room with his arms folded against his chest.
"He's on his way. Should be here any minute. Would you like a cup of tea?"
"Sure," Regulus replied. "Have you heard from him at all?"
"No," Remus muttered, brows furrowed. "He hasn't answered any of my texts."
"He didn't take my calls, either."
Frowning, Remus led Regulus to the kitchen, where he hastily set about preparing a fresh pot of tea.
"Is that Sirius' jumper?" Regulus asked, nodding to a black article of clothing slung over one of the kitchen chairs.
"Yeah," Remus replied, draining his cold cup of tea into the sink. "Sirius is notorious for just leaving things all over the place. When we were in boarding school, I used to somehow end up with half his socks when we'd go home for summer holidays."
Regulus nodded but said nothing, lowering himself into one of the chairs set at the kitchen table.
Remus busied himself with preparing the tea, placing a steaming cup before Regulus, joining him at the table.
"Thanks," he muttered, bringing the cup to his lips.
Remus nodded, taking a sip as well.
"Does... does my brother stay with you, often?" Regulus asked.
Remus shrugged. "Sometimes. He lives with James, of course... but he's certainly spent many nights here."
"So you're his boyfriend, then?" Regulus asked, a slightly accusing tone to his voice.
"We're seeing one another, but there isn't an official title, yet," Remus replied evenly, observing the younger Black brother.
Regulus nodded, brows knitted together, obviously deep in thought. It's amazing how similar their mannerisms are. Even down to the facial expressions.
"So..." Regulus began, eyeing Remus warily.
"Yes?" Remus replied, unnerved by Regulus' demeanor.
"What are your intentions for my brother, then?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Do you want to be with my brother, or is this some sort of flavor of the month sort of thing?" Regulus sneered.
"Sirius has been one of my best friends for a very long time. I care about him. I-"
"You understand that my brother isn't well. He doesn't need some bloke distracting him from his needs," Regulus interrupted, eyeing him sharply.
"Precisely why Sirius and I are taking our relationship slowly, Regulus. So that he can focus on himself and getting himself sorted out," Remus replied evenly, taking a sip of his tea.
Regulus' eyebrows raised, but he said nothing.
"I'm on your side, Regulus. All I want is what's best for Sirius," Remus said calmly.
"It's a lot to take on, being with and caring for someone who is mentally ill," Regulus said warily.
"I know. But I can handle it. I want to handle it."
The pair nearly jumped as they heard knocking at the door. "That'll be James, probably," Remus announced, rising to his feet. "I'll get the door."
"Thank god you're here," Remus said lowly, gesturing for James and Lily to join him inside.
"Why, what's wrong?" James asked, panicked.
"Regulus is here," he muttered, standing before the door for a moment, arms crossed.
"And?" Lily prompted.
"He's been grilling me about my relationship with Sirius. It's a bit much, really."
"He's protective of his older brother... I can't say I blame him, given the circumstances," James replied, shrugging.
"It's nothing personal about you, Rem. He's just worried. Once he gets to know you, he'll love you and see how good you are for him," Lily said gently, placing a comforting hand on Remus' shoulder.
"Where is he, anyway?" James asked.
"Kitchen. We're having tea," Remus sighed, gesturing for the pair to follow him.
He took his seat at the table, while James and Lily offered Regulus hellos and poured themselves cups of tea.
"So," James started, taking a seat at the table, "has anyone heard from him?"
The three others shook their heads no, watching James intently.
"Damn. I was hoping he'd have answered by now. Lils and I drove all around, looking for him. Nothing," he muttered, staring despondently into his cup of tea.
"So what exactly is the plan, then?" Regulus asked, looking from James to Remus.
"He'll show up here, eventually," James noted.
"So you said before. Why do you think so, though?" he pressed.
Lily and Remus exchanged looks. "Because that's what Sirius does. When he's upset, he goes to Moony's. That's what he's always done," James explained, bringing his cup of tea to his lips.
Remus and Lily nodded affirmatively. "He's shown up at my door at two, three in the morning, before. Fucked up on drugs, staggering drunk, whatever. Without fail, whenever something is bothering him, he somehow ends up here," Remus elaborated, taking a prim sip of tea.
"Sirius must have a great deal of trust in you if he comes to you when he's upset," Regulus noted, offering Remus a softer expression. "It's good that he knows he has someone to go to."
Remus nodded. "Of course."
"So what are we going to do? Just wait here until he shows up?" Regulus asked.
Lily shrugged. "Basically."
"We need a game plan, though," James noted.
"So you mean you're not just going to tie him up in a chair and scream at him until he agrees to go on medication?" Lily asked wryly, rolling her eyes. "This isn't a football match, James."
"I know, Lily. I just mean we should all be on the same page about what we're going to say to him," James retorted, shooting his girlfriend a filthy look.
"I was kidding, James."
"Yeah, well. This isn't a joke. He needs help," James replied, unsmiling.
"Guys, come on. What do you think we should say to him, James?" Remus interjected, attempting to diffuse the situation.
"Well I'm going to ask him why the hell he thought it was okay to just storm out of therapy," James muttered, frowning.
"Well, that's nothing unusual," Regulus noted.
The three turned to him, silently urging him to continue.
"Sirius gets like that... when he still lived at home, that was common for him. The therapist would say something to upset him and he'd walk out and refuse to go back for a few weeks. Or he'd go and refuse to speak. Just sit in silence for the entire fifty minute session," he explained, staring down into his tea.
"Do you have any idea why he's so against being put on medication?" Remus asked softly.
Regulus sighed. "He reacted really badly to Prozac when they put him on at. He was thirteen... He took an entire bottle of codeine he found in our parent's medicine cabinet. I think that's enough of a reason to be turned off of medication, don't you? He's had a history of reacting badly to anti-depressants."
"Yeah, but realistically, he was too young to be prescribed them, don't you think? Studies have shown time and time again that adolescents react badly to antidepressants," Lily interjected.
"That's true. I can understand why he's reluctant, but I still think he should give it another shot. I mean for chrissakes, he's studying pharmacology... He knows all about drugs and their composition and whatnot. He's obviously in a lot of pain.. you'd think he'd want to try anything to give himself some relief," Regulus muttered, biting his lip.
Remus, Lily and James nodded in agreement.
"So what do we say to convince him to give it a try?" Lily asked, frowning.
"He's not going to want to hear it, regardless what we say, honestly," Regulus noted. "He's going to get upset and he's going to get angry. May as well be blunt and tell him the truth; he's a bloody fucking trainwreck and he needs to get his shit together before he kills himself."
"Won't that push him away?" Lily asked.
Regulus rolled his eyes. "Sirius is a stubborn git. He'll brush off every word you say if you try and sugarcoat it. You have to hit him with the ugly truth."
"Still, I think there must be a balance we can find, being honest while still showing compassion," Remus added.
Regulus shrugged. "I suppose. I don't know... I... we... in the Black household, the only way anyone ever won an argument or got their point across was by yelling the loudest. So that's always been my tactic. It certainly always worked on Sirius when my mother used it."
Remus paled, shooting Lily a look. Lily pressed a finger to her lips, kicking Remus's shin from under the table, shooting him a don't say anything look.
Remus opened his mouth to speak but paused as he heard a knock on his door. He turned to James. "You didn't tell anyone else to meet us here, did you?" he asked.
James shook his head no. Remus nodded, rising to his feet. "Right, then. That's probably him. You all should probably stay in here, alright? No need to overwhelm him and send him running the second he walks in, don't you think?"
The three nodded in agreement as Remus excused himself from the kitchen, heart pounding in his chest as he approached the front door. Please be alright. Please don't be all fucked up on something. Please have stayed safe.
Sirius knocked on Remus' door, stifling a yawn. Though he was feeling better after his run, he was still in no mood to see James and had decided to drive to Moony's instead. He'd run the track for a few hours and felt completely spent. I just want to take a long hot shower and crawl into bed. At last, the door creaked open, Remus observing him from the doorway. "Sirius," he greeted him warmly, lightly pulling him into an embrace.
"Hey," Sirius mumbled, sighing contently as he felt Remus' arms wrap around him. This is what I wanted, after the day I've had.
"You're all sweaty," Remus observed, wrinkling his nose as they pulled apart.
"Went for a run," Sirius smirked, gesturing towards his outfit; after the run, he'd been drenched in sweat, and had decided against attempting to pull on his skintight jeans again.
"Did you have a good run, then?" Remus asked.
Sirius nodded. "Yeah... I was having..." he paused, frowning. "Actually, can we talk about it later? I want to take a shower."
"Of course," Remus replied agreeably. "Go ahead and take a shower, then," he told him, kissing Sirius lightly on the lips.
"Thanks," Sirius replied, lightly brushing a strand of hair from out of Remus' eyes. "I guess I'll go and clean up now, if that's alright."
"You know your way to the shower, Sirius Black. I believe you and my shower are well-acquainted, are you not?" Remus retorted, snickering.
Sirius laughed, smiling sheepishly. "Indeed we are... I've spent many a night in your bathtub, at least."
"Go on, go take a shower," Remus laughed, smacking Sirius lightly on the arm. "You're all sticky and gross... there's fresh towels in the linen closet."
"Ta Moony," Sirius called out, making his way towards the bathroom.
"That was him, then?" James asked, eyeing Remus curiously as he returned to the kitchen.
"Yeah," Remus replied, pouring himself a fresh cup of tea.
"So where is he, now?" James asked expectantly.
"Taking a shower," Remus retorted, shrugging his shoulders.
"Does he know we're here?" Regulus asked.
Remus returned to his seat at the table, making a great show of taking a sip of his tea. "No," he replied finally, staring down at the table.
"Why is he taking a shower, anyway?" Lily asked, a single eyebrow arched in surprise.
"He went for a run, he said. He was all sweaty and gross, so I figured he might be more receptive to what we have to say if he isn't all miserable and in need of a shower," Remus replied, taking another sip of his tea.
"You're probably right... if you'd just led him in here, he probably would have bolted," Regulus observed.
James and Lily exchanged knowing looks. "You have no idea how accurate that statement is."
"I wasn't even aware that Sirius went for runs," Regulus said, taking a sip of tea.
Lily and Remus glanced at one another from across the table, smirking.
"What?" Regulus asked, confused.
"Nothing, it's stupid... it's all James' doing, really. He's been dragging Sirius out for ages to go for runs with him..." Remus started, unable to suppress a chuckle.
"Sirius hates it, I think. Because while you know Sirius is quite fit, he's never been the eat-breathe-sleep athletic type Jamie here, is," Lily added.
"Exercise releases endorphins, Lily," James noted, rolling his eyes. "And since we're no longer in boarding school and Sirius quit playing football, someone has to ensure he stays active. Exercise is important to mental health."
Lily and Remus burst into laughter. "We know, we know," they both gasped, continuing to laugh as James shot them furious looks.
"Christ, we know you had his best interests at heart. Just... I mean, look, I guess he took it to heart, he went out for a run on his own accord, James. Kudos to you!" Lily added, kissing James lightly on the lips.
"You're both wankers," James said lightly, shaking his head in amusement. "Fuck you both."
Sirius took a deep breath, sighing contently as the warm steam from the shower soothed the dull aching in his chest. He'd already washed his hair and had been standing under the shower head for some time, enjoying the feeling of hot water against his skin. Already, he was beginning to feel a bit achy. I'm going to hurt pretty badly, tomorrow. Reaching for the bar of soap, he lathered up, washing himself quickly. Although he was reluctant to leave the warmth of the shower, his legs were throbbing, threatening to give out at any moment. He emerged from the shower, wrapping himself in a towel. He padded from the bathroom to Remus' bedroom, where he found a spare pair of pajama pants to change into. He stood in front of the mirror, towel drying his hair, humming under his breath. Once satisfied that he'd absorbed all the excess water from his hair, he tied it up on top of his head into a sort of bun. Without hesitation, he grabbed Remus' deodorant from off the dresser, applying it liberally. After sharing a dorm room with two other boys for years, sharing deodorant or bars of soap didn't faze him. He pulled on a plain gray tee shirt he'd left there, examining his appearance in the mirror for a moment. Satisfied , he left the bedroom, in search of Remus. "Hey Rem," he started, swinging open the kitchen door, "what do you think about ordering takeaway-" he paused, staring at the figures huddled around the kitchen table. "What the fuck is going on?" he asked accusingly, his glare aimed at no one in particular.
"You want to take a seat, mate?" James asked lightly, nodding towards a free chair at the table.
"Why?" Sirius asked, arms folded against his chest. "And why are you here?" he asked, turning his attention to Regulus. "Shouldn't you be up at school?"
"You didn't answer my calls, brother. All six of them. Was a bit worried," Regulus replied easily, his facial expression matching Sirius' own.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "I was out for a run. Wasn't aware everyone needed to be able to keep tabs on me at all times," he muttered sarcastically.
"Sirius, come on. Sit down with us," James continued.
"No, I think I'll stand, thanks," he scoffed, lips curling into a frown. "So what do you want? Come on, let's get on with it."
Lily cleared her throat. "So you walked out of therapy today... what happened?"
"I don't understand why that's any of your business. She's a twat. What more do I need to say?"
"Sirius, please. Let's not drag this out any more than we need to," Regulus said, drumming his fingers against the table.
"By all means," Sirius sneered.
"Why are you being such a wanker and refusing to go on meds?" Regulus asked calmly.
"Because I don't want to, Regulus. I don't need meds," Sirius huffed.
"Bullocks. We've already had this conversation, Sirius. You're a fucking mess and you need to get your shit together. Get your head straight. Take the fucking meds and get yourself sorted out. Christ."
"I suppose that's what you all think, as well?" Sirius asked accusingly, looking to James, Lily, and Remus in turn.
"It doesn't hurt to give it a shot, Sirius," Lily said softly.
"We want you to feel better, mate. Just give the meds a try. Please. We're worried about you," James added, shooting him a pleading look.
Remus sighed heavily. "I know it's hard, but I think you should at least think about it..." he noted, wringing his hands nervously in his lap.
"I already made up my mind, I'm not taking medication," Sirius protested, his voice increasingly louder.
"Sirius, please! Just fucking try it! You have to do something! You keep hurting yourself and you're scaring us to death. You're scaring me to death! You need to at least try it! You need something to help you-"
"Oh fuck this," Sirius shouted, turning on his heel.
"Sirius wait-"
Sirius swung the kitchen door open, slamming it shut behind him.
Angrily, Sirius swung his fist at the wall beside the door, slamming his fist through it. He winced as he felt bone hit the plaster, leaving a hole in the wall. He stood there for several minutes, breathing heavily, staring down at his right hand, whose knuckles had begun to swell.
"Sirius," Remus said gently, placing a hand on Sirius' shoulder.
"What?" Sirius asked, sighing heavily.
"Are you okay?"
Sirius frowned, biting his lower lip. "No."
"Come on. Let's sit down," Remus started, nodding towards the couch. "The others can stay in there. Alright?"
Sirius nodded, letting Remus guide him to the couch. "Is your hand okay?" Remus asked, eyeing his right hand nervously.
"Sirius shrugged. "I dunno. It's fine. I don't think I broke anything," he muttered.
"Good. So. You went for a run this afternoon," Remus started, offering Sirius a small smile.
"Yeah," Sirius said. " I was.. upset. I don't want to go on meds, Remus. I don't want to feel like I"m not myself, you know? I just... I'm trying, you know? Like when I left Fairgood's office, all I wanted to do was get high. I drove out to my dealer's, even... But I turned around and drove back home. I didn't use. I didn't go to the bar and get pissed... I'm trying, Moony. I went for a run because I kept thinking 'I made it this far without trying to cope with this in an unhealthy way, might as well keep going with that' and yet I get hit with some bullshit intervention about how I need help and it's just..." he trailed off, staring down at his feet.
"I'm sorry we sprung this on you, Padfoot. We were all just worried because you weren't answering your phone and James had heard you walked out of therapy... I'm sorry we upset you. But I'm so proud of you, you know. For not going out and using. Or getting drunk. I know that this is a big step for you, and it's wonderful. You're trying so hard to take better care of yourself and it makes me so happy, Sirius," Remus started, placing a gentle hand over Sirius'.
"I know you're angry at us, but will you come back and talk to us? Just tell them what you told me. We just want to know what we can do to support you with all of this. And while we may think that you should give medication a try, ultimately, it's your treatment and it's your decision. I just hope you'll be open-minded enough to give your therapist your attention so that maybe she can go over all of your options. I think if you did some research and expressed your specific concerns with her, you could come to an agreement in finding an option that best suits your needs."
Sirius nodded, eyes still glued to the floor. "Maybe," he muttered.
"Will you go back in there with me?" Remus asked, squeezing Sirius' hand.
"Aright," Sirius sighed. "I'm sorry about your wall... I'll pay for that, alright?" he muttered, shooting Remus an apologetic look.
"Don't worry about it, Sirius. It's just plaster... Nothing a bit of spackle can't fix," Remus assured him.
"Shall we go back in?" he asked.
Sirius nodded, rising to his feet. "Alright..."
Sirius sat between Remus and Lily, quietly listening as James rattled off his concerns. He opened his mouth to protest, but remained silent, as Remus squeezed his hand tightly.
"I'm sorry that I worried you, James," he said finally, staring down into his cup of tea.
"I'm sorry we upset you, springing this on you like this," James replied, lips pressed firmly together.
"It's alright... I shouldn't have just hung up on you then gone off the grid like I did," Sirius replied, sighing heavily.
"I'm glad you didn't... you know," Lily noted, offering Sirius an encouraging smile.
Upon returning to the kitchen, Sirius had repeated what he'd told Remus in the living room, explaining that he'd gone for a run in place of going to score coke or drink until he passed out to dispel his pent up aggression. Remus had held his hand under the table the entire time, offering him an encouraging smile as he struggled to verbalize his thoughts.
"It's good to see that you're really trying to use healthier coping mechanisms to deal with things, Sirius," Regulus added, offering his brother a warm grin.
"I suppose it is your choice, but I still think that you should at least hear what Dr. Fairgood has to say about medication options," he continued, turning to James for confirmation.
James nodded in agreement. "At least hear her out, mate."
Sirius sighed heavily, squeezing his eyes shut. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to at least discuss some options," he replied, squeezing Remus' hand tightly. "I have my reservations about it but... Remus is right. Maybe there's something out there that might help me some. I can at least try," he continued, turning his head to face Remus. "I want to try to get better," he said lowly, moisture pooling in his eyes. "She did say.. that she thought medication might alleviate some of my symptoms... it'd... it'd be nice to have some sort of relief... I'm so tired of feeling like this.. Of having to deal with all of this."
"You deserve some relief, brother," Regulus told him, smiling slightly.
"All we want is for you to feel better, Sirius. Anything we can do to help you, just say the word. We want to be here for you," James noted, Lily nodding enthusiastically in agreement.
Sirius nodded, ducking his head down as his lips trembled, tears slowly beginning to trickle down his cheeks.
Remus pulled Sirius into an embrace, whispering soothing words into his ear as Sirius lightly sobbed against his shoulder.
He glanced over at Regulus, who was watching the pair with an approving look on his face. Glad to see I've won his approval.
