A/N: For reference in this chapter:

normal is James
italics is Remus
bold and italics is Lily
Underlined is Regulus


"Good afternoon, Sirius."

Sirius nodded, taking his usual seat in Dr. Fairgood's office.

"How was your week?"

Sirius shrugged. "Alright, I guess," he mumbled, staring down at his feet. Should I tell her I want to discuss meds? Do I even still want to?

"Is something on your mind, Sirius?" Dr. Fairgood asked, interrupting his thoughts.

Sirius glanced up, biting his lip. "Umm," he started, clearing his throat, "I've been thinking... Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to discuss possible options I have for medication."

He paused for a moment before adding, "so long as I get a say in what I'm prescribed."

"That seems fair," Dr. Fairgood noted, offering him a warm smile. "Would you be open to hearing my recommendation and going from there?"

"I suppose so," Sirius agreed, shrugging.

"I feel that what would be most beneficial to you would be an SSRI paired with a mood stabilizer."

Sirius frowned. "I don't know how I feel about the mood stabilizer."

"We can discuss that. For now, let's focus on options for an SSRI, okay?"

Sirius nodded. "Alright. I don't want to go on Paxil again. Or Wellbutrin."

Dr. Fairgood nodded, removing a heavy looking book from her desk. "Physician's Desk Reference. Alright, let's take a look at what options we have."

Sirius watched, picking at his cuticles as Dr. Fairgood efficiently thumbed through the pages. "You mentioned during our last session that you are reluctant to take any medications that may cause weight gain because of your eating disorder, correct?"

Sirius paused, taken aback by her recollection of his statement. "I um..." he stammered, glancing down at the ground.

"Would you say that this is still an issue that you are struggling with?" Dr. Fairgood prompted.

Sirius nodded, eyes averted to the floor. "Yeah," he said lowly.

"Given your concerns with the possibility of weight gain as a side effect, I think that your best choice would be Prozac. It's one of the few SSRIs that's proven effective in managing Bulimia Nervosa, and is not known for causing weight gain," Dr. Fairgood continued, eyes still scanning the book before her.

Sirius shrugged, staring down at his feet. "Okay," he muttered.

"Would you be comfortable starting a trial of Prozac?" she queried.

"Sure," Sirius agreed. "I guess it sounds better than the other options."

"As for a mood stabilizer... I would like to try you on a low dose of lithium, before we try any of the newer anti-psychotics or mood stabilizers, alright?"

"Will it cause-"

"I am going to prescribe you a low dose, Sirius. Remember, this is on a trial basis. We'll have you on it for six to eight weeks, then determine if we need to tweak your dosages or medications, okay?" Dr. Fairgood interrupted, scribbling something down on her pad.

Sirius sighed heavily, staring down at his feet. "Fine, okay. Whatever," he muttered, resigned.

"I'm going to prescribe you two month's worth, okay?" Dr. Fairgood asked, pulling out her prescription pad.

"Fine," Sirius mumbled. "Are we done, yet?"

"Here you are. Next week, we'll discuss how you're adjusting to the meds and begin discussing supplemental treatment options, okay?"

"Fine," Sirius muttered, grabbing the two prescriptions and shoving them into his pocket. "See you next week."


Sirius sipped his coffee, staring miserably at the table. Two days prior, the fall term had started. Without you. Everyone is off resuming their studies and here you are, sitting at home. Totally useless. He frowned, barely registering that Mrs. Potter, dressed in her work scrubs, had entered the kitchen.

"Sirius, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Sirius sighed, staring down into his mug of coffee.

"It's 4am," Mrs. Potter said lightly, tying her dark brown hair back into a ponytail.

Sirius shrugged. "Can't sleep," he muttered.

Mrs. Potter nodded, pouring herself a mug of coffee. "You've always had trouble sleeping," she observed, taking a seat opposite Sirius at the kitchen table.

Again, Sirius shrugged. "Insomnia," he muttered, bringing his mug to his lips and taking a sip.

"You're upset that you're not enrolled in uni for the term," Mrs. Potter stated, taking a sip of her coffee.

Sirius stared, a single eyebrow raised. "Wouldn't you be?" he asked.

"I'd be disappointed, certainly. But there are more things to life than school, Sirius," Mrs. Potter noted.

Sirius shot her a disbelieving look. "School is all I have," he said plainly.

"Your studies aren't the only thing that gives your life meaning, Sirius."

"Yeah, they are," Sirius muttered under his breath.

Mrs. Potter took a sip of coffee before calmly placing the mug down on the table. "What makes you say that?" she asked.

Sirius stared down into his mug, lips pressed firmly together. "Don't you have to leave for work?" he muttered.

"Not yet. And even if I did, it could wait. I always have time for you, Sirius."

Sirius sighed. "Mrs. Potter... I don't want to talk about this."

"Alright, we don't have to, love. But I think you'd feel a lot better if you did."

Sirius nodded but said nothing, staring down into his coffee.

"Do you want me to get your prescriptions filled for you?" Mrs. Potter asked, changing the subject.

"Already did," Sirius mumbled, nodding toward the white paper bag resting on the kitchen counter.

"Do you mind?" she asked, rising to her feet.

"No," Sirius muttered, shrugging. "By all means, have at it."

Quickly, Mrs. Potter retrieved the bag, setting it down on the kitchen table. Sirius watched as she removed the first prescription bottle from the bag, eyeing the label curiously.

"Prozac, 60mg. Once daily," she recited, peering at the bottle.

"High dosage, don't you think?" Sirius asked, glancing up at Mrs. Potter

"I presume she felt the dosage would be appropriate given your-"

"Yeah, that was her reasoning," Sirius quickly interrupted, desperate to avoid a discussion about his eating disorder. As if she isn't already on my case about eating. Don't need to have a full-blown discussion about that rubbish.

Mrs. Potter nodded, retrieving the next bottle from the bag. "Lithium... a low dose, I see," she noted.

"Which I've reluctantly agreed to take," Sirius added. "It's still twice a day... I'm not pleased."

"Have you started taking them yet?" Mrs. Potter asked gently.

Sirius shook his head no.

"It's morning, so you may as well take your first dose," she said softly, placing the two bottles before him.

Sirius stared for a moment, frowning. "Alright," he said reluctantly.

Carefully, he dispensed one of each pill into the palm of his hand. Under Mrs. Potter's watchful eye, he swallowed the two, chasing them down with a sip of coffee. "There."


"Sirius."

Sirius mumbled something incomprehensible from the tangled mess of blankets he was bundled under.

"Are you going to get out of bed, today?" James asked.

"No," Sirius muttered, turning his head to face James.

He observed Jame's concerned expression for a moment, sighing heavily. "James," he started, fighting back the urge to yawn. He was so tired, so so tired. The very thought of doing anything besides lying in bed was far too exhausting for him to even consider.

"James," he continued, biting on his cracked lower lip, drawing blood, "I just can't, okay?" Sorry, he added silently.

James nodded before quickly hurrying out the room, shutting the door behind him.

"He's getting worse, it seems like," James noted, staring miserably down into his coffee.

After sitting through a three hour ethics of law lecture, James had texted Lily, begging her to meet him to discuss Sirius between classes. She'd met him at the nearby coffee shop, armed with two coffees and a warm smile.

"He just started taking lithium, James," Lily said lowly, holding her cup of coffee in her hands. "This is normal. His body is getting used to it and it is a mood stabilizer, which can have similar effects to tranquilizers. Of course he's feeling drained and just wants to stay in bed."

"And you're sure about this?" James asked nervously. "You don't think this sudden change in behavior is related to the start of the fall term?"

Lily's smile wavered. "Well," she sighed, "I suppose that isn't making this any easier for him."

"Do you think I should make him at least leave his room? I don't think he's changed his clothes or showered in three or four days."

"Has he been eating, at least?" Lily asked.

James shook his head. "No. Mum tried getting him to come down and eat with us the other night, but apparently he insisted he wasn't hungry."

Lily nodded, glancing down into her cup of coffee, unsure of how to respond.

"Has Rem talked to him?" James asked suddenly.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Sirius turned his phone off, so no."

"How does Remus feel about that?"

Lily shrugged. "He's worried, naturally. But he understands. He doesn't want to intrude if Sirius needs his space while dealing with this medication adjustment."

Lily frowned, her brows furrowed in thought. "What'd they put him on, again?"

James grabbed his phone, scrolling through several messages before glancing back up at Lily. "Prozac, 60mg daily. Lithium carbonate, 150mg, twice daily. Xanax, 2mg, as needed," he recited.

"That's a high dose for an SSRI," Lily observed, a single eyebrow raised. "But a low one for the lithium at least. I'm sure that put Sirius' mind at ease."

"Maybe," James said skeptically, resting his head in his hands.

"It'll get better, James... He's just adjusting... He'll pull through this and be feeling like himself, again," Lily said gently, resting a soothing hand on James' arm.

"I hope so, Lils... I hate seeing him this way. It's just... It's not him." He paused, frowning. "Well, not him on his good days," he amended.

Lily nodded. "I've got an orgo lab I need to get to," she noted, glancing at her watch. "I can stop by afterwards, check on you two?"

"That'd be lovely," James replied, rising to his feet and pecking a kiss on her lips. "What would I do without you, Lils?"

She smirked, kissing him back. "I don't quite know. You're a mess without me, James Potter."

James laughed. "What time does your lab end?" he asked.

"I should be out of there around four," she noted, eyebrows furrowed as she thought. "I think."

James nodded. "Alright. I'll see you around half-past, then?"

"Mhmm," Lily agreed, nodding affirmatively. "Send Sirius my love."


Sirius sat miserably in the waiting room of Dr. Fairgood's office, arms folded against his chest. Mrs. Potter sat to his right, having driven him to his appointment. He glanced down at his lap, taking note of the pajama pants he had on. He couldn't be bothered with getting dressed that morning, and his head was throbbing. "Why couldn't I just reschedule?" he muttered under his breath. He'd already canceled his appointment the week before, which had prompted Mrs. Potter to clear her afternoon to ensure she was available to accompany Sirius to his appointment.

"You need to keep up with your appointments, Sirius," Mrs. Potter noted, patting his hand gently.

"I"m ready for you, Sirius," Dr. Fairgood announced, emerging from her office.

Sirius nodded, following her into the room, where he immediately lowered himself onto the couch.

"How are you feeling, today?"

Sirius stared ahead, shooting the psychiatrist a furious look.

"You've been on the medication for two weeks now, correct?"

Sirius nodded sullenly.

"Are there any side effects you're experiencing?"

"I have no energy. Just getting out of bed is a struggle. This is exactly like when I was on Seroquel," Sirius retorted, arms folded against his chest.

Fairgood nodded. "It'll taper off, soon. Your body is getting used to the lithium. Have you been taking your medication at the same time every day?"

Sirius shrugged in response. "I don't fucking know."

"Taking the medication regularly at the same time every day will help," Fairgood noted, scribbling something down onto her pad.

"Great," Sirius muttered.

"Besides getting used to the meds, how has your week been?"

"How do you think?" Sirius asked sharply. "I sit in the house and take my pills and sleep. That encompasses my entire life. Lucky me!"

"I'm sure that you're exaggerating by-"

"No. I'm not," Sirius said sharply, his eyes clouding with rage. "I haven't done anything but stay in the house. I only just recently ventured downstairs to eat a few slices of toast at Mrs. Potter's insistence. I didn't shower for the first week or leave my bed, except to piss and swallow down my meds. I haven't spoken to Remus since I went on the bloody meds because everything is too much and I'm so tired and I just can't deal with all of this because it's too exhausting!"

"Your friends started the fall term," Dr. Fairgood noted, ignoring his outburst.

"Don't talk about that. I don't want to talk about that," Sirius said irritably, his shoulders stiffening.

"You're upset you weren't able to continue your studies this term."

"Upset is an understatement. If I can't do that, what the fuck am I supposed to do? This is my punishment for being suicidal? I'm being kept from the one thing that gives my life meaning? Great," he snorted, kicking the leg of the table before him. "I wish I was dead. I wish I'd bled out when I slit my fucking wrists last spring."

"Sirius-"

"I don't care. I don't care. I fucking wish I had died. Okay? My life is shit and the medication you put me on makes me want to fucking die. Just like I said it would! Are you happy now?" Sirius screamed, his lips contorted into a scowl.

"Would you say that you are feeling suicidal right now, Sirius?" Dr. Fairgood asked calmly.

Sirius nodded, tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks. "Yes."


Safety Contract 9/2/15

I, SIRIUS ORION BLACK, promise not to do anything to cause harm to myself for the remainder of the week. If I am having urges, I will speak with someone in my support system and talk about why I want to harm myself. I commit to life for seven days with the option of renewing for another seven days. I will stay safe.


Sirius spent the car ride home from therapy staring out the window, ignoring Mrs. Potter's attempts at casual conversation.

"Did everything go alright?" Mrs. Potter asked, as she pulled the car into the driveway.

Sirius shook his head, reaching into his pocket for the crumbled piece of paper he'd shoved into it before leaving Dr. Fairgood's office. "Here," he mumbled, avoiding eye contact as he handed her the slip. "Just read it... I don't want to talk about it," he added, opening the door and slipping out of the passenger seat. Without another glance towards Mrs. Potter, he made his way towards the house, letting himself in through the back door. To his surprise, he found himself before James and Lily, who were lounging about at the kitchen island, drinking smoothies. "Sirius!" Lily said brightly, offering him a wide smile. "I feel like I haven't seen you in forever! How are you?"

Sirius shrugged, overwhelmed by Lily's enthusiasm. "Fine," he muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"How'd your session go?" James asked, eyeing him nervously.

Sirius shrugged. "Fine. I'm going upstairs."

He made to leave, only to find James and Lily right on his tail. "You don't need to follow me," Sirius muttered as he climbed the stairs, rolling his eyes. "I just want to lie down."

"Come on, mate. I've barely seen you the past few weeks."

"Yeah, you've been busy with uni," Sirius snapped, climbing into bed and pulling his comforter over himself.

"How have the meds been, Sirius?" Lily asked, ignoring Sirius' pointed jab at their being enrolled in uni.

Silence.

"We were thinking about ordering takeaway if you'd like to join us. We can watch something together, if you'd like. Even Gossip Girl, if you want," James offered, frowning as Sirius turned his back to the pair, rolling over on his side.

"Sirius."

Silence.

Lily squeezed James' hand as he continued to attempt to make conversation with Sirius, who responded by pulling his covers over his head, remaining mute.

At last, James sighed heavily, defeated. "Alright, mate. Let us know if there's anything we can do for you."


"Lily," Remus said, surprised, as he answered the door. "What are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?" Lily asked, shoving Remus out of the way and letting herself into the flat.

"Of course, come right in," Remus said dryly, rolling his eyes. "I'm just working on a paper."

"Tea?" she asked pointedly, a single eyebrow raised.

"You know where the kettle is, Lily. You're here enough," Remus retorted, nodding towards the kitchen and returning to his laptop, settled on the coffee table in the sitting room.

"James is on his way over," she called from the kitchen.

"Alright," Remus replied, turning his attention back to his laptop.

He managed to complete half a page before he was interrupted by knocking at the door. "James," he said immediately, as he swung the door open.

"Lils told you I was en route?" he asked, smiling weakly.

"Tea is ready, lads," Lily's voice rang out.

"Let me save my work and I'll be right in," Remus noted, nodding towards his open laptop.

The three settled around the kitchen table, each nursing a cup of tea. "So," Remus started, eyeing the pair expectantly. "You aren't holding some sort of intervention for me, are you?"

Lily laughed nervously. "We're just worried about Sirius," she noted, taking a sip of tea. "He won't talk to anyone. Has he..."

"He hasn't turned his phone on, yet, or contacted me, if that's what you're asking," Remus quipped, taking a sip of tea a bit too quickly, burning his tongue in the process. "Ah, fuck."

"You need to go see him, Remus," James stated pleadingly.

Remus sighed, nervously rapping his fingers against the table. "I don't know I just... I'm worried about him, obviously. But he hasn't asked for me so he doesn't want to see me so I don't want to just show up unannounced, and upset him. If he wants time alone to sort himself out, then I get that and I want to respect that and oh... I don't know."

"Rem... Wanting something and needing something are two very different things. Just because he wants to be alone doesn't mean it's good for him. Please," Lily added, her green eyes pooled with concern.

"We tried talking with him yesterday when he got home from therapy. He refused to respond to anything we said and eventually pulled his covers up over his head until we went away," James noted, chewing on his lip. "Mum said his therapist made him sign some sort of safety contract... He told his therapist he was suicidal."

Remus glanced up at James, his heart beating nervously in his chest. "He said that to her? That's... That's not good, James."

"I hate seeing him like this, Rem. It's worse than when he'd have his depressive episodes. At least then he'd occasionally say something to me, or I'd hear him pacing around his room, browsing the internet or something. He just lies there in bed. He won't come down and watch the telly with me, he barely comes down to eat. I have to coax him into showering or even changing his clothes. It's just..." James paused, breathing deeply through his nose in an attempt to calm himself.

The three paused, staring as they heard the sound of a phone vibrating. "Mine," James noted, reaching into his pocket.

Remus silently observed him as he scanned the message on the screen, his lips pressed firmly together. "It's mum... she has to work a double shift tonight... I need to get home so I can give Sirius his evening meds."

Lily and Remus cast James confused looks. James sighed, draining the last of his tea. "Mum's been keeping a hold of Sirius' meds. Part of his safety contract... keeping his medications out of his hands so that he isn't tempted to... you know..." he paused, frowning. "Though I'm sure he's got a stash of xanax salted away somewhere in his room."

Remus frowned, his hands trembling slightly as he brought his cup to his lips. "Will you tell him I said hello and that I miss him?" he asked softly, shooting James a pleading look.

"I think you should tell him, yourself," James replied evenly.

Remus sighed, staring down at the table. "Just see how he reacts if you mention my coming round... if he seems okay with it... I'll come. I just... I'm trying to do the right thing, James. I don't want to upset him or make this any more uncomfortable than it has to be, alright?"

James nodded, turning to Lily. "Feel like coming with me?" he asked. "Sirius can get a bit nasty when it comes to evening meds... his second dose of lithium. I haven't had to give him his meds, but I've heard him arguing with mum about taking it and I..." he frowned, shutting his eyes for a moment, "I don't know if I can stomach arguing with him about it."

Lily nodded, squeezing James' hand gently. "Think about it Rem. We'll keep you posted, okay?"

Remus nodded, squeezing the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. "Okay." I feel a migraine coming on.


Group text (James P, Lily E, Remus L) from Regulus B:

Haven't been able to get a hold of him... is everything okay?

He shut his phone off... started meds and isn't adjusting well.

Has anyone talked to him?

No.

Not really.

Barely. I tried talking to him when he came down to supper last night but he zoned out then apologized and went back upstairs.

What do they have him on? How long has he been on them?

Prozac, 60mg, daily. Lithium carbonate, 150mg, twice daily. Xanax, as needed. Two weeks, now.

He's been really lethargic. Barely leaves the bed. Not eating much. Complains of having no energy, seems to have a hard time functioning or concentrating on anything.

He's only been showering and changing his clothes because James makes him.

Lily...

James, he needs to know the whole picture. He won't talk to us.

He told his therapist he wants to kill himself.

Mum has his pills. He signed a safety contract. We've been keeping an eye on him. Mum, Dad, and I. Someone is always home with him.

Okay. I'm coming down Friday after my morning lecture to see him.


Text Message to Remus L from Regulus B:

You need to talk to him.

He turned his phone off... and I'm not his bf. I don't want to impose if he wants to be alone while he's dealing with this.

You are the only one he wants to see. Why aren't you there with him right now?

Because he hasn't asked for me. Sirius always comes to me if he needs me... I don't want to impose. It's not my place and I don't know what he wants or needs right now.

If you want to be in my brother's life you need to know when he needs you, without him asking for it. He's sick. You never saw him on mood stabilizers. He's in zombie mode. Barely functioning. It probably hasn't even registered to him that he hasn't spoken to you. Or he just can't muster the energy. He needs you.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. He needs you. I saw the way he was with you. How he reacted to your touch and presence. You soothe him. He needs your help to drag him out of this fog he's in.

Okay. I'll go see him. Hopefully he doesn't send me away or refuse to speak, like he's done to James and Lily.

Good. And I doubt he will. Let me know how it goes.