Remus unlocked the door to his flat, tossing his book-bag onto the floor beside the door.

"Rem!" a familiar voice called out, grabbing his attention.

Remus smiled, catching sight of Sirius, sprawled out on the couch. "Hey, Sirius," Remus greeted the darker haired boy.

He stood still, watching as Sirius quickly rose to his feet, flinging himself at Remus. "I missed you," Sirius said lowly, loosely wrapping his arms around Remus' neck.

"I missed you too, Siri," Remus choked, squirming as he felt Sirius' tongue slide down his neck, emitting a low guttural growl as Sirius bit down right below his Adam's apple. "Are you alright, Padfoot?" Remus asked, taken about by Sirius' unusually aggressive greeting.

While the pair had been intimate for a few weeks now, Sirius had never come on to him like this. If anything, Remus usually found himself initiating things. "You seem really... up," Remus continued, frowning as he tried to find the word he was looking for to describe Sirius' behavior.

"I am up!" Sirius retorted excitedly, removing his arms from Remus' neck and moving them lower, one arm wrapped around his waist, the other placed firmly on Rems' right hip. "It's a great day. It's been great," Sirius continued, tilting his head as he moved in to plant a trail of kisses down Remus' neck.

"It didn't rain today and the sun is shining and you finished your paper the other night so I get you all to myself!" he chattered away, his hands making their way down Remus' body, stopping at his belt buckle. "Want you," he breathed, his mouth hot against Remus' skin.

The two clamored towards the bedroom, hastily removing clothing. Sirius grabbed Remus by the throat, forcing him down onto the bed, their lips locked. Remus sighed contently, his hands running through Sirius' luscious mane. "Gods, Siri.. now, now," he muttered hoarsely, wrapping his right leg around Sirius' waist.

"One sec," Sirius smirked, removing himself from Remus' grasp.

Remus watched, smiling fondly as Sirius rummaged through the dresser drawer, producing a condom from the mess of half-folded boxers, lubricant, and other toys. "Thanks," he whispered, motioning for Sirius to come closer.

"Anything to make my Moony comfortable," Sirius retorted, expertly rolling the rubber onto his member.

"Now, shall we?" he asked, returning to the position they'd held previously; Remus, lying flat on his back with one leg wrapped around Sirius.

Sirius pounded Remus mercilessly, each thrust punctuated by a satisfied scream on Remus' part. "God. Yes. Harder. Dear Christ."

"Remus!"

"SIRIUS!"

"I fucking love you."

Silence.

Sirius felt a release as he came, but was met with an overwhelming sense of anxiety, rather than relief. He pulled out, a panicked expression on his face.

"Sirius, are you okay?" Remus asked, alarmed by Sirius' sudden change in demeanor.

"Yeah," Sirius muttered, staring down at the floor, ignoring his deflating erection. "Sorry," he started, eyes still lowered to the ground as he took a seat on the edge of the bed.

"Why are you sorry? I love you too," Remus replied, scooting closer to Sirius and resting a hand on his thigh.

"Then why didn't you..."

"I was just... taken aback. It's not every day the most handsome bloke you've ever laid eyes on tells you he loves you..."

Sirius nodded, processing Remus' words.

"Hey, come here," Remus coaxed, pulling Sirius close to him, gently pressing kisses along his collarbone. "You're amazing. How'd I get so lucky to find such an amazing boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend?" Sirius asked lowly.

"Yeah... I mean... we've been seeing each other for nearly two months now... I've been telling people that I have a boyfriend..." he paused, his brows furrowed together worriedly. "If you don't want to or think we're moving too fast, I mean- "

"Shut up, Moony. Of course I want to be your boyfriend," Sirius smirked, pulling Remus closer for another kiss.


"Someone's in a good mood today," Lily observed, a curious smirk planted on her lips.

"Of course," Remus hummed, pouring himself a cup of tea.

"Things are going good with-"

"My boyfriend," Remus interrupted, the corners of his mouth turned upward.

"Boyfriend?" Lily asked, eyebrows raised. "So it's official, then?"

"Yep," Remus affirmed, continuing to beam at Lily.

"That's good, Rem," Lily replied, her smile wavering slightly. She reached for her cup of tea, taking a sip.

"So, Sirius has been doing good lately?" she asked.

Remus nodded. "Mhmm. He says the medicine has really leveled him out. I think that he seems a lot better, don't you think?"

Lily nodded. "He certainly seems happier. Though that might have more to do with you than the meds, Rem."

"So he's been okay? No mood swings? Not drinking?" Lily continued, attempting to keep her tone neutral.

"No, why?" Remus asked suspiciously. "Is something going on?"

"No, of course not," Lily mumbled.

"Lils."

"What?"

"Don't play this game. What's going on?" Remus pressed, staring expectantly at the redhead.

Lily sighed. "I don't know... I just know he's been drinking a lot, at least when he's alone. He told me he stopped taking his antidepressants. I guess I'm just worried."

"He has seemed a little... up," Remus noted, sighing heavily. "Do you think he's using again?" he asked worriedly.

Lily took a sip of her tea, hesitating. "No... but I'll keep my eye on him if you'd like?" she offered.

Remus nodded, burying his face in his hands.

"Rem, are you alright?" Lily asked, alarmed by the sudden shift in Remus' mood.

"Yeah... I just... I feel stupid."

"You're not stupid, Remus. Sirius is doing alright. He's been keeping himself safe, and he's been going to therapy and I think he's still taking his mood stabilizers. He hasn't had a serious manic or depressive episode since he's started his medicine. He's showering and eating regularly. We just need to keep an eye on him, you know? Stay alert so if a problem does arise, we can step in to help," Lily explained, immediately regretting voicing her suspicions to Remus. He's obviously so happy that they've finally gotten together. Damn it, Lily. When will you learn to keep your big mouth shut?

"Okay," Remus agreed, a look of relief on his face.

Lily smiled, pleased to see she hadn't completely ruined Remus' good mood. She set her tea cup aside, eyeing Remus expectantly. "Now, on to important matters. You never told me how the sex is."

"I hate you, Lily," Remus blushed.

"Ooh, you've turned the loveliest shade of red, Remy. I've heard he's into some kinky shit. Is that true?" Lily asked, eyeing Remus eagerly.

"No," Remus laughed, nearly gagging on his sip of tea. "Dear Christ, where did you hear that?"

"Marlene."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Sirius said sleeping with her was like fucking a rag doll. She just laid there, doing nothing."

Lily snorted, spitting out her sip of tea. "Oh my god!"

"He's just very assertive. He definitely likes to top, but I wouldn't say he's into kink. Just rough, no frills, hottest sex of my life, thank you very much," Remus continued, unable to contain a smirk.

"God, you're no fun. I tell you all about my sex life," Lily whined, pouting.

"I wish you wouldn't," Remus countered, grimacing. "I don't want to hear about how you got James totally bombed so you could whip him with your grandmother's riding crop."

"Bet you'd like to borrow it so Sirius could take a whack at-"

"Stop it, Lily!" Remus laughed, tears pooling in his eyes.

"Was he a good boy after? Did he let you ride him hard and put him away wet?" Remus teased, unable to contain his curiosity about his best friend's sex life.

"He knows how to treat a lady," Lily retorted, a self-satisfied smirk on her lips. "I took good care of him, after. Like the good partner I am. Put lotion on his red skin and snuggled. It was nice."

"He said 'I love you'," Remus blurted out, unable to keep it to himself, any longer.

"What?" Lily asked, confused.

"Sirius... He um... He told me he loves me," Remus repeated.

Lily paused, a small smile forming on her lips. "I'm so happy for you, Rem," she told him, pulling him into a hug. "Make sure he treats you right. I'll kill him, otherwise."


"How are you today, Sirius?"

"Fine," Sirius muttered irritably, frowning at his phone.

"If you could put your phone down," Dr. Fairgood said firmly, eyeing Sirius coolly.

"In a second," Sirius huffed, rapidly typing a message. He pressed send, placing his phone beside him.

"I would prefer if you would refrain from using your phone during sessions," Dr. Fairgood continued, scribbling something down on the pad in front of her.

"I don't see why it matters," Sirius retorted, his lips twisted into a sneer. "I'm paying for this session. If I want to check something on my phone, I see no reason not to."

"It's disrespectful-"

"I don't see why I should care," Sirius interrupted, arms folded against his chest. "This is a waste of my time."

He glanced at his phone again, checking his messages. Nothing, yet.

"Sirius," Dr. Fairgood prompted, folding her hands on her desk.

"You know what," Sirius snapped, rising to his feet. "This is a waste of my time."

"Sirius, please calm down, you're-"

"No! You're not helping me! This isn't helping me!" Sirius screamed, gesturing wildly. "Fuck this!"

"Sirius, please. Calm down."

"I'm done. I'm fucking done. Therapy is bullshit and you're not helping me."

Dr. Fairgood remained silent, observing Sirius as he gathered his coat. "You can go ahead and cancel my scheduled appointments. I won't be back."

Without another word, Sirius stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind him.

Once outside, he lit a cigarette, ignoring his shaking hands as he brought it to his lips, inhaling deeply. He stared up at the late October sky, only partially aware of what had just transpired in Fairgood's office. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, pulling him back into reality. You doing anything? Sirius smiled. Bellatrix. He hastily typed a reply, making his way to his car. As he settled in behind the steering wheel, he felt his phone vibrate again. Come over. Rod is at work and I'm bored.


"So," Bellatrix asked, pausing to snort a line off the tray on the coffee table, "how was therapy?"

"I quit," Sirius retorted, holding out his hand for the snuff tube.

"What?" Bellatrix asked, an eyebrow raised in surprise.

"I decided it was bullshit," Sirius shrugged, leaning forward to do a line. "It's not like she was helping, anyway," he muttered, folding his arms against his chest.

"I know what you mean," Bella retorted, rising gracefully to her feet and striding towards the liquor cabinet. "Drink?" she asked, holding up a bottle of bourbon.

"Please," Sirius replied, nodding eagerly.

"You still on your meds?" she asked, pouring two rocks glasses to the brim.

Sirius shrugged. "Not really... I stopped the Prozac. It was making me feel like utter rubbish. And the lithium..." he trailed off, frowning. "Sometimes I take it... It's hard to remember, you know?"

Bella nodded, handing him a glass. "I take mine when I remember to... it makes Rod crazy, I think," she said bitterly, taking a gulp of her drink.

Sirius brought the glass to his lips, savoring the burn as he drank. "Fuck," he muttered, thinking about therapy.

"Hmmm?"

"I just realized... What am I going to do about therapy? If James and them all find out, they'll go mental... Can't just tell them I up and quit..." he muttered, waving away Bella's offer of the snuff tube.

Bellatrix shrugged, taking another line. "Why don't you just come round here when you would normally be at your appointments?" she suggested, sniffling and wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

"You wouldn't mind?" Sirius asked, taken aback by his elder cousin's generosity.

"Sure, why not? I could use the company," she said bitterly, her lips twisted into a forced smile. "No friends... Fiance at work... No school or job to keep me busy... It'd be nice... A change of pace from my usual lounging around the flat all alone."

"Thanks," Sirius replied, glancing up at his cousin. "It's... It's kind of nice, spending time with you... I mean... You know what it's like.. Being-"

"Crazy?" Bella quipped, offering Sirius a wry smile.

"Something like that," Sirius agreed, pausing to snort a line.

"This is really good shit," he noted, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

"It is, isn't it?" Bella smirked, tossing back the remainder of her drink.

"So," she started, eyeing him curiously. "Are you seeing anyone?"

"Why?" Sirius asked hesitantly, gripping his drink tightly.

"Curious," she shrugged, pulling her thick curly locks into a knot on top of her head. "My hair is impossible," she noted, making a face. "I don't know why I couldn't have hair like Cissy or Andy," she continued, frowning.

"I like your hair," Sirius countered. "It's you. No one but you has such beautiful curly hair."

"It's a rat's nest."

"Even so, I like it. It suits you. Plain old straight hair would be boring," Sirius observed, shrugging. "Plus it's dark, like mine."

"The only indication that I'm actually a Black," Bellatrix noted, frowning at the thought of her two sisters.

"I always thought Andy looked a lot like you," Sirius noted, tilting his head as he thought. "Only her hair was a tad lighter and straight."

Bellatrix nodded, her lips still twisted tightly into a scowl. "Whatever. I don't want to talk about them," she snapped, arms folded against her chest.

"I um... I have a boyfriend," Sirius replied, responding to Bellatrix's earlier question, in an effort to snap her out of her mood.

"Really?" she asked, surprised.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah," he said, sighing. He glanced down at the floor, suddenly sullen.

"What's wrong?"

Sirius shrugged. "Do you ever wonder if maybe you don't deserve it, to be loved by someone else?" he asked quietly, carefully staring down at his shoes.

"Yeah," Bellatrix replied lowly, turning her head to gaze out the window. "I know how that is."

"I keep waiting for him to realize that I'm not... To see who I really am. I keep wondering if maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone, you know?"

Bellatrix nodded. "And that maybe you should just burn it all to hell? Leave them before they leave you?"

Sirius nodded, pressing his lips together. "You... You really get it, don't you?" he asked.

Bellatrix nodded grimly. "You have no fucking idea."


Sirius sighed, deleting the latest voice mail he'd received from his mother. With trembling hands, he rummaged through his desk drawer for his stash of xanax, trying and failing to block out his mother's words, which were echoing in his head. Failure. Shame of my flesh. Worthless. Stay away from Regulus. You'll ruin him. Not my son. He squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing his temples, silently begging for the voices to stop. Even running away couldn't keep her from haunting me. He grasped the bottle of xanax in his right hand, victorious. He shook out a handful, dumping them onto his desk. Carelessly, he crushed two bars, not bothering to organize the powder into even lines before snorting them. I need it to stop. Now. He breathed in through his nose, nearly gagging from the burning drip down the back of his throat. Still not enough. He glanced around the room, his heart beating skittishly as his mother's shrill voice continued to fill his head. Shameful. A disgrace. His eyes fell on the double-edged razor blade, nestled between two jewel cases in his desk drawer. He paused, glancing from the razor, to the pills on his desk, and back again. It can wait, he thought, as he gingerly removed the razor from the drawer. The xanax forgotten for the time being, he disappeared to his conjoined bathroom, not bothering to lock the door behind him.


"Sirius?" Lily asked, lightly rapping on Sirius' half-opened bedroom door.

Silence.

"Sirius?" Lily repeated, a slightly panicked tone to her voice.

Sirius glanced up, blearily. "Hmmm?" he mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"What's going on?" Lily asked, hands on her hips as she entered the room.

Sirius shrugged. "Xanax," he muttered, eyes focused on the ceiling.

Lily sighed. "So you're doing that, again?"

"Why not? Nothing better to do," Sirius retorted, yawning.

"You know you shouldn't be abusing your medication like that," Lily scolded.

Sirius shut his eyes, stretching his arms over his head. "You're being a drag," he observed dully.

"How many did you even take?" Lily prompted, brows knit worriedly.

"I dunno... Four... Maybe five... I don't know," Sirius mumbled, again shrugging his shoulders. He sniffled, smiling as he caught a whiff of residue power lining his nostrils.

"You snorted them, I presume?"

"Stop looking so surprised, Lily."

"Sirius," Lily sighed, taking a seat beside Sirius on the floor. "You're better than this, you know that, right?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, muttering something incomprehensible under his breath.

"Hmm?" Lily hissed, glaring.

"You're all busy with school. I have nothing else to do. Let me have this, Lily," Sirius sighed, covering his face with his hands. "Would you mind restarting my playlist? I don't... Don't feel like getting up."

"How is therapy going? Have you talked to your doctor about feeling like you don't have anything to do with your free time?" Lily pressed.

"It's fine," Sirius lied, squeezing his eyes shut. "I... We don't talk about all that, Lils. Besides... Doesn't matter. I'm not going to go to group therapy. It's dumb. It's... I'm not going to."

"So instead you'll snort xanax and lie on your bedroom floor listening to Pink Floyd and The Postal Service?" Lily asked, her voice bitter with sarcasm.

"What do you want from me, Lily?" Sirius asked tiredly.

"I want you to stop moping around feeling sorry for yourself... Or at least admit to your boyfriend that things aren't as great as you're leading him to believe."

Sirius turned his head, observing her for a minute. "Lily," he started, biting his lower lip. "I... Remus... I... I just can't, okay?"

"He deserves to know if something isn't right, Sirius," Lily replied, her voice gentler. "He loves you. He... If you're struggling, he wants to help you."

"No one can help me," Sirius said softly, turning his attention back to the ceiling.

"Sirius."

"I don't deserve him, you know."

"Sirius."

"He's so good and I'm just... I'm me. A fuck up. Crazy. Trash."

"Sirius," Lily said softly, placing a hand over Sirius'. "Did... Did your Mum..."

"Lily, I don't want to talk about it... She... it doesn't matter. I'm dead to them, anyway," he mumbled, rolling over onto his side, turning his back to her.

"Sirius," she continued.

"Go away, Lily," Sirius said lowly. "Please."

"You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?" Lily pressed, wringing her hands nervously. "Like hurt yourself?"

"No. I won't," Sirius lied, instinctively tugging down his sleeves. He winced, as his fingers grazed a fresh wound he'd carved into his flesh only hours ago.

"If you want to talk... I'll be downstairs... And I could make you some tea, you know.. If you want," she offered, unnerved by how quiet Sirius had gotten.

"I'm alright," Sirius replied stiffly, back still turned. "I just need to be alone. I won't leave the house... I just... I want to be alone.