"Sirius."

Blearily, Sirius looked up, squinting from the harsh rays of sunlight pouring through the windows of the Potter's living room. "What..." he started, his head throbbing.

Remus had been busy finishing a paper for his romantic literature class, and Sirius had decided to occupy his time during that period by going on a three day bender. "What do you want?" he concluded, staring up at James, who hovered over him. He didn't look pleased.

"Do you remember how you got home?" James asked, the corners of his mouth turned downward.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know, James... can you get me some water?" Sirius asked, nearly gagging. His mouth tasted like stale liquor and cigarettes. Blegh.

Sirius winced as James dropped a bottle of water down on his chest. "Thanks," Sirius muttered, grabbing the water and taking a deep sip.

"Mum found you asleep in the car in the driveway this morning," James continued, staring at Sirius disapprovingly.

"Then how did I get in here?" Sirius asked mildly.

"She woke you up and this is as far as you made it, I suppose," James hissed. "What the fuck are you doing, Sirius?"

Sirius sighed, rubbing his eyes. "I don't feel like having this conversation, James," he mumbled.

"I don't care what you want, Sirius. What's going on? Why are you doing this shit, again?"

Sirius stared blankly, ignoring James' question.

"Sirius!" James shouted, grabbing Sirius by the forearm.

"Christ, what?" he screamed, wincing as James' grip applied pressure to fresh wounds from a few days prior.

"I thought you were going to talk to me, talk to someone if you were feeling badly, again," James said sadly, letting go of Sirius' arm. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Sirius sighed, squeezing his eyes shut as his head continued to throb.

"Sirius, you can't lie to me. You're... obviously something is wrong," James countered, gesturing towards Sirius.

"I don't know how to explain it, James. I just... It's just me. I'm fucked up. Always have been, always will be, okay?"

"You shouldn't drink so much," James said lowly.

"I don't drink too much," Sirius retorted irritably. He rose to his feet, nearly falling over. "I'm going upstairs."


"Sirius, I've got to get to class," Remus whispered, nudging Sirius awake.

"Hmmm... what?" he muttered, eyes fluttering open as Remus observed him from his side of the bed.

"I've got class... are you feeling alright?" Remus asked nervously.

The previous night, he'd arrived home from a lecture to find Sirius waiting for him in his flat, already half-drunk. Over supper and a film, he'd proceeded to continue drinking. The evening had concluded with a very inebriated Sirius roughly handling Remus as he took him from behind. He didn't mean it, Remus reminded himself, glancing down at the bruises that were beginning to form around his wrists. He's very strong. He didn't realize what he was doing.

"I'm fine," Sirius replied, staring hollowly up at the ceiling.

"You want to get up, maybe have a cup of tea? I have a two hour break in between lecture and work, so I could come home and we could spend some time together," Remus offered, gently placing his hand over Sirius'.

"Can't you call in sick?" Sirius asked, rolling over on his side to face Remus. "I miss you... can't we just spend today in bed?"

"You know I can't do that, Siri... I've got to work, I'm covering Alice's shift."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "But..."

"But I promised I would work for her today so that I can have off for your birthday in two weeks. Surely you'd rather I be able to spend that day with you, right?"

Sirius nodded. "I suppose," he sighed.

"Don't you have therapy this afternoon?" Remus noted.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. Right. Forgot."

Remus frowned. "Hey... is everything alright?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You seem a little... off. You know you can talk to me if... you know... about anything, really."

"I know," Sirius mumbled. "Just tired. Wake me up when you get home?" he asked.

Remus nodded, sighing. "Alright... have a nice lie in, then. Love you," he replied, leaning forward to give Sirius a peck on the lips.

"Love you too."

Reluctantly, Remus dragged himself out of bed, quickly changing into a pair of cords and a tee shirt. "I'll see you in a few hours," he called over his shoulder, as he gathered his school bag.

"Okay," Sirius muttered, half-asleep.

Hopefully he won't be drunk again when I get home. Or worse.


"I think he's on coke again."

Lily frowned, taken aback by James' sudden statement. "What, why?"

James sighed, shoving his textbook away from him. The pair had been studying together in the library for the past two hours, and he'd been building up the nerve to broach the subject for the past forty minutes. "He looks skinny. And he's not eating much," he started, nervously running his fingers through his unruly black hair.

"He's always been on the lean side, James," Lily noted gently, carefully closing her textbook and stacking it to the side with her notebooks. "Though I will admit, he does look like he's lost some weight."

"It's not just that," James continued, fidgeting in the uncomfortable wooden chair. "He's up all night. I hear him pacing around his room... when he's actually home, that is."

Lily frowned. "I thought he was just drinking a lot, again," she noted, rapping her fingernails against the table.

"He's probably doing both. Sirius has never been one for moderation," James laughed dryly. "He was drinking a ton the last time he was using heavily."

Lily sucked in a breath, untying her hair. Coppery locks flowed down past her shoulders. "Maybe he's just spending the night at Rem's the nights he doesn't come home?" she suggested, nervously twirling a strand of hair around her finger.

"Sometimes, I'm sure. But not all the time," James replied dully. "He went on a three day bender when Rem had that paper to write and couldn't spend the weekend with him a week or two ago."

"Have you said anything to him?" Lily asked.

"To who? Sirius?"

"No. Remus. Have you asked him if he's noticed any weird behavior?"

James frowned, staring down at the table. "I really don't want to ask him that, Lils," he mumbled.

"Why not?"

"He seems so happy. I don't want to you know, ruin this thing they have going," James continued, sighing heavily.

"You know he stopped taking his antidepressants," Lily noted.

James stared at her, color draining from his face. "I... I didn't know that," he mumbled, staring down at the table.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he's stopped taking his meds, period," she added, biting down on her lower lip. It just never ends with you, does it, Sirius?

"Really?" James asked lowly.

"Yeah... not like they'd work, the way he's been drinking," she retorted, laughing hollowly.

James frowned. "Damn it... I thought he seemed more... on edge, lately."

"The mood swings are back in full force, I take?" Lily queried.

James nodded, again running his fingers through his hair. "Damn it," he cursed, brows furrowed.

"I guess that explains why he's back to lying in bed until four in the afternoon, again. And then up all night," he continued, shaking his head.

"We should talk to Remus about this," Lily said softly.

"Do you really want to do that?"

Lily shook her head. "Not really. I've spoken to him about it a little bit, so I guess I can give it a shot again."

"Thanks, Lils," James said appreciatively.

"It's no problem... You've got enough on your hands, dealing with him at home."


"Hey Rem," Lily greeted Remus from across the cafe. It was nearly eight at night, and the shop was empty, save for Remus and a single patron.

"Lily," Remus replied, waving from behind the counter. "What brings you around these parts?"

"I'm in dire need of conversation and coffee to get through this calc homework," the redhead replied, wrinkling her nose.

"You know I'm the last person you want to ask about calculus, Lils. I barely passed trigonometry. Math is more Sirius' suit," he retorted, sighing.

"You seem tired," Lily noted, eyeing Remus critically. "Can you sit with me for a few?" she asked.

Remus glanced around the shop. "I think that'd be fine," he replied, shrugging. "What do you want?"

"A cappuccino would be nice," she replied, a small smile creeping on her face.

"Sure thing. Two minutes."

Remus came around the counter, two mugs in hand. "Here," he said, offering Lily one. "Where do you want to sit?"

"Here's fine," Lily replied, nodding towards the nearest table.

"So," Lily started, once the two were seated.

Remus stared distractedly into his mug of coffee, his lips twisted into a frown.

"What's the matter, Remus?" Lily asked softly.

"I'm just tired, Lils..."

Lily shot him a knowing look. "Rem..."

Remus sighed. "And Sirius has been drinking a lot."

Lily nodded, a single eyebrow arched. "Oh?"

"He goes out when I have class or work, then shows up in the middle of the night, shitfaced. Or he drinks in the flat while I'm at class and by the time I get home, he's pissed."

"Have you talked to him about it? Like said that it's bothering you?" Lily asked.

Remus shook his head. "You know it's not that simple, Lily."

"Why not?"

"Nothing with Sirius ever is. He's just... he doesn't want to hear it. He begged me to call out and stay home with him, today."

"He's lonely."

"I thought he was doing better, Lily... I just... he shows up in such a state and then in the morning I feel guilty leaving him all alone... It's exhausting, really," he continued, resting his head on the table.

"Maybe you should take a break," Lily said gently, frowning as she took a sip of her drink.

"What, no!" Remus replied, immediately lifting his head up. "We're having a hard time right now, is all. I'll get used to it. He'll calm down with everything. I love him, Lily. I'm not going to break up with him just because we've hit a rough patch."

"You look exhausted, Remus... I'm just saying... you shouldn't sacrifice your own well-being to look after him."

"He's not taking care of himself, is he?" Remus noted, laughing coldly.

"It doesn't seem that way," Lily replied, sighing.

"I love him, Lily. I do. I just... I don't know how much more I can take," he concluded, frowning. "Does that make me horrible?"

"Of course not," Lily assured him, shaking her head. "Part of being a good partner is knowing when you need to distance yourself for your own well-being. You can't help him if you're not able to take care of yourself."

"I'm afraid he'll go mental... I... I don't want to break up with him, I just... my nerves are wearing thin, Lils, just worrying about him. I don't know where he goes, what he does when I'm busy at work or at school..." he muttered, running his hands through his hair.

"I'm not saying you should break up... just take a break, for a little while. You know. Some time apart, so you can recharge a little. Dating someone who's mentally ill is draining, Rem. It might be good for you both to take a step back and spend some time apart for a little while."

"Maybe," Remus muttered doubtfully.

"Has he seemed off to you?" Remus asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

Lily paused, hesitating. "Yeah, sort of," she admitted, reaching for her drink.

Remus' eyes met hers, silently waiting for her to continue.

"He's struggling, I think. You know how stubborn he is, Rem. Sirius is a perfectionist. I don't think he's fully accepted his diagnosis yet. He's stuck on the notion that he's broken, and that he can't have a normal life, even though that's far from the truth."

Lily paused, taking another sip of her cappuccino. "I think he's stopped taking his meds altogether, honestly. I know he's having depressive episodes, again."

"Really? So do you think when he's lying in bed in the morning, all miserable and not wanting me to leave him, it's not just a bad hangover?"

"I wouldn't be surprised," Lily retorted. "I found him lying on his bedroom floor fucked up on xanax, listening to his Postal Service/Pink Floyd playlist."

"Well that's not really anything unusual," Remus countered, ignoring the nagging thought in his mind that this was certainly a sign that Sirius was not well.

"He could barely speak, Remus. His words were stilted, like he had to really focus to be able to respond to anything I said to him. Tell me that doesn't sound like more than Sirius' usual over-dramatic antics."

Remus nodded, defeated. "You're right... he's getting bad, again... What am I supposed to do, Lily?"

Lily sighed. "I don't know, Rem. You have to do what you think is right... he's your boyfriend. I can't tell you how you should handle your relationship."

"I keep telling myself that if I try hard enough to love him, to support him, that he'll get better. But what if that's not enough? What if I'm not enough?" he asked, tears beginning to well in his eyes. Remus blinked furiously, forcing the tears back.

"You're more than enough, Remus. And it isn't your job to save him. Sirius has to want to get better for himself. If he isn't willing to put in the work needed to keep himself stable and to keep symptoms at bay, that's on him. You can't force him to stop whatever it is that he's doing... I'm sorry. I know this is hard. Just... this is on him."


Remus arrived home after his shift to a surprisingly sober Sirius.

"How was work?" Sirius asked, flashing Remus a bright, perfect smile.

"Not bad," Remus replied, pushing thoughts of his conversation with Lily to the back of his mind. "How was your evening?"

"Not too bad," Sirius replied, still grinning. "I made you dinner."

Remus threw his arms around his boyfriend's neck, a smile creeping onto his lips. "What's the special occasion?" he asked, breathing in Sirius' heady scent. I love the way he smells. The perfect combination of lemon verbena french milled soap, expensive cologne,leather and just Sirius.

"Because I love you. And you've been so stressed out with work and school... I wanted to do something special," Sirius countered, kissing the top of Remus' head.

"I also got something for you," he added mysteriously.

Remus laughed, squeezing Sirius' neck tighter. "You didn't have to get me anything, Siri..."

"It's nothing special," Sirius laughed. "Come on, dinner awaits us."

Remus nodded, eagerly following Sirius to the kitchen. "What'd you make?"

"Steak-frites. Nothing too spectacular," he noted, turning off the oven. "Don't worry, I didn't overcook your steak... I know you like it bloody... my little carnivore."

Remus laughed, sitting down at the table. "You're amazing," he said softly, as Sirius placed his plate down before him.

"It's nothing, really," Sirius insisted, taking a seat opposite him.

Remus shrugged, taking a bite of his steak. "It's so good," he said, smiling as Sirius took a bite of his own steak.

"I guess I did a pretty good job," Sirius smirked, spearing a fry with his fork.

"Oh stop with the modesty. You know you're a brilliant cook, Sirius," Remus countered, shaking his head. "Gods. I got to come home to steak and my handsome boyfriend. What could possibly top that?"

Sirius smiled coyly. "You'll see."

The two slowly finished their meal, Remus filling Sirius in on everything that had happened that day, save for Lily's visit to the cafe.

"That was amazing, Sirius. Thank you. Really," Remus said softly, wrapping his arms around Sirius' waist as Sirius cleaned off the dishes in the sink.

"You're welcome, Rem," Sirius replied, turning off the faucet and turning to face his boyfriend. "Now. For your surprise."

"What is it?" Remus asked anxiously, following Sirius as he strode towards the bedroom.

"Here," Sirius replied, tossing Remus a Ziploc bag.

"You bought me... weed?" Remus asked, perplexed.

"Not just weed, Remus," Sirius retorted, rolling his eyes. "I bought you an ounce of OG Kush."

Remus nodded, unable to contain the smirk on his lips.

"Remember back at school, when you'd get stressed out about exams and be up for days straight revising, and then I'd find you hyperventilating in the toilets in between classes?" Sirius asked, approaching Remus and wrapping his arms around his waist. "And we'd climb onto the roof of the dorms and smoke joints until you calmed down and then you'd sleep like a baby?"

Remus nodded, hugging Sirius back. "Mhmm... that was... nice."

"I just thought..." Sirius continued, pausing to kiss Remus' neck, "that it might be nice... to smoke a bowl or two.. and unwind. Just the two of us..." he breathed in heavily, his lips hovering over Remus' skin, sending chills down Remus' spine. "You've been working so hard... I thought you could use a little something to help you relax," he concluded, biting down on Remus' pale flesh.

"God yes," Remus breathed. "Can we, now?"

Sirius nodded. "Whatever my Moony wants, my Moony gets."

The two settled onto the couch in the sitting room, Remus anxiously watching as Sirius packed a bowl.

"What do you want to watch?" Sirius asked, smiling at Remus.

"Doesn't matter," Remus immediately replied.

"Come on, you choose. Whatever you want."

Remus shrugged. "I don't know... would you rather watch a TV show or a movie?"

"Television, obviously," Sirius replied, grinning. "You know I'm shit at watching movies. Can't focus."

"Fair enough," Remus laughed, turning on the television. "Hmmm... we could watch that dreadful CW show that you love so much... Gossip Girl."

"Gossip Girl was the voice of our generation, Remus," Sirius replied mildly, flicking his Zippo open and taking a hit off the bowl. He inhaled deeply, pausing for several seconds before exhaling, blowing a fragrant stream of smoke in Remus' direction.

"You're cute," Remus laughed, reaching out to take the bowl from Sirius' hands.

"You're cuter," Sirius countered, motioning for him to move closer.

Remus obliged, scooting closer to Sirius, sighing contently as Sirius wrapped his arms around him. "False," he rang out, expertly handling Sirius' lighter and taking a hit. "This is really good," he noted, as he exhaled. "Like, really good."

"I'm glad you like it," Sirius smiled, kissing Remus gently on the neck. "I don't like seeing you so stressed out."

"You're so good to me."

"I try," Sirius noted, shrugging his shoulders. "You're so good to me... I try to return the favor."

Sirius paused, holding the bowl in his hand. "Rem... I know I've been... difficult, lately. I'm sorry. I know it's not easy, being with me. I really do love you, you know. And I'm sorry that sometimes I... I get out of control. I don't deserve you. You're too good to me."

"Shhh," Remus whispered, turning his head to press his lips to Sirius'. "Don't say that."

"It's true," Sirius mumbled, his eyes lowering. "I don't deserve you."

"No, no. None of that," Remus tsked, gently tilting Sirius' chin up, forcing him to face him. "I love you, Sirius Black."

Sirius nodded, a small smile forming on his lips. "I love you too, Rem."


Sirius lay on the floor of his bedroom, staring up at the ceiling. What are you even doing with your life? You're so fucking useless. A failure. He heard his phone vibrating, and reached for it, glancing at the name on the screen. Regulus. He pressed ignore, placing the phone down again. "I don't feel like talking to anyone," he mumbled, stretching his arms over his head.

He'd texted his dealer twice and had called him three times in the past two hours, and had yet to hear a response. "Fuck," he muttered, shaking his head as he felt the nagging itch under his skin. He hadn't slept in three days and was at last starting to come down off of the coke he'd done with Bellatrix earlier that week.

"God fucking damn it, answer your phone, Mulciber," Sirius muttered, reaching for his phone and dialing his dealer's number, once again.

As the phone rang to voice-mail, Sirius angrily slammed the phone down, squeezing his eyes shut. He thought of calling Bella, but decided against it. She's in Berlin with Rod, on business. No point in ruining her trip. He sighed heavily, silently cursing himself for not thinking to ask Bella to split the remainder of the coke she'd had on her when they'd parted ways two nights before. She has way better shit than Mulciber sells, anyway. I should really ask for the name of her dealer.

At Bella's urging, he had spent a few nights at her flat, keeping her company while Rodolphus was busy with work. They'd visited half the night clubs in Leicester Square, where Bella had fed him a steady supply of whiskey and cocaine. The week had passed in a blur, and he'd barely noticed that Remus had been too busy with school and work and whatever else to answer most of his texts or calls. Maybe I should call Rem.

Lazily, he dialed Remus' number, cracking his neck as he heard the phone ringing. "Hello?" a familiar voice asked.

"Rem," Sirius replied, pleased to hear Remus' voice. "What are you doing?"

"Leaving my poetry seminar... what's up?"

"I miss you... you should come over."

"I've got work, Sirius. I'm sorry this week has been so crazy. But mid-terms, you know?"

Sirius frowned. "I know," he retorted, sulking. "I just miss you is all."

"I miss you, too. But I have off this weekend. We can do whatever you like. And then your birthday is next Friday," Remus continued, his voice soothing.

"Will you come over after work?" Sirius countered.

"I can do that... are you okay, love?" Remus asked, a hint of concern in his tone.

"I don't know," Sirius mumbled, biting the inside of his cheek.

"I'm sorry I can't be there sooner... I know you're having a rough time, Siri."

"It's fine. I'm fine," Sirius muttered, beginning to regret having rang Remus.

"I'll stop and get us takeaway on my way over, alright?"

"You don't have to... I'm not really hungry," Sirius replied, his stomach roiling at the very thought of food.

Remus' tongue clicked in disapproval. "You should really eat something. You've barely been eating-"

"Rem," Sirius interrupted warningly. "I'm just feeling low, I suppose. I'll run a hot bath, lie down for a bit. Maybe that'll help."

"Okay," Remus replied. "That's a good idea... I'm proud of you, for not just turning to drinking or... other things when you're feeling bad. That's really good."

"Yeah," Sirius replied guiltily, his stomach churning. "I love you. See you tonight, yeah?"

After exchanging goodbyes, Sirius hung up the phone, overwhelmed by guilt. "I don't deserve him," he muttered, staring up at the ceiling.

Sighing, he sat up, dragging himself to his feet. "Some boyfriend I am," he snorted, shaking his head in disgust. "Who am I kidding? Lying to him. Pretending I'm getting better. What a fucking joke."

He paced the room, the wave of guilt overpowering. "Fuck," he muttered, kicking his nightstand. "Fuck."

He squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing his temples. He's going to figure it out, one of these days. He'll realize. See the real you. The selfish, lying, manipulating piece of shit that you are. It's only a matter of time. He's not stupid. He'll wake up and realize what a liar you are, how worthless you are. Getting better, HA. Here we are again, and you're still self-medicating with drugs and alcohol to cope with what complete and utter bullshit your life is. What a joke. You don't deserve him. He'll leave you. Just like everyone always does.