A/N: Sorry it's been forever since I've updated! I've been insanely busy with work, which has eaten up nearly all of my free waking hours. Hopefully this chapter makes up for my lack of updates.
"Happy birthday, Sirius!" giddy female voices rang out as they entered the Potter residence.
Sirius nodded in acknowledgment, a bottle of whiskey clutched in his right hand.
"Sirius, let's do shots, come on!" Marlene whined, tugging on his sleeve.
"I'm looking for Remus," Sirius mumbled, swaying slightly as he took a step towards the living room.
Sirius' birthday party had started about an hour before, though admittedly, Sirius had started the celebration early; he'd already finished a fifth of Jack before any guests had arrived. Not to mention the blow.
He vaguely remembered greeting Remus at the start of the evening, but had lost track of him, in between rounds of shots and greeting the multitude of people who'd gathered for one of Sirius' infamous parties.
Shoving his way through the crowd, Sirius lifted the bottle of whiskey to his lips, taking a deep sip. He smiled as he felt warmth radiating through his core. "Remus," he whined, stumbling towards the lighter haired boy, who was tucked away in a corner beside Lily, sipping a beer.
"Hey," Remus greeted him, offering Sirius a warm smile.
"Come here," Sirius muttered, throwing his arms around Remus' neck, grinding his hips against Remus'. "Want you," he growled, letting his left arm trail down Remus' back, gripping at his buttocks.
Sirius pulled away for a moment, licking his lips salaciously; he'd been drinking steadily all afternoon into the evening, and he was horny. And Remus in those tight jeans isn't helping matters. "Come on, you know you want to," Sirius continued, grabbing playfully at Remus' crotch. "Let me fuck you."
"Sirius," Remus cried out, swatting Sirius' hand away from him, "Stop!"
"Why?" Sirius countered, eyes heavy-lidded, his voice dropping dangerously low.
"You're just... are you high?" Remus asked lowly, nervously tugging at the sleeves of his sweater.
"Fuck you, Remus," Sirius growled, his tone much louder than it had been before.
"Sirius, wait," Remus countered, reaching out to grab his wrist.
"No, fuck you, Rem! It's my birthday, and I'm trying to have a good time. If you're going to be such a fucking drag and ruin my day, just leave," he snapped, his eyes glowering with rage.
"Sirius-"
"Sirius," Sirius mimicked, lips contorted into a scowl as he stood facing Remus, hands resting on his leather pants-clad hips.
"Fuck you, Sirius," Remus muttered, turning and fleeing the room as tears began to trickle down his cheeks.
"Remus."
Remus turned his head, taking in a shock of red hair. Lily.
"What's wrong?" Lily asked, placing a concerned hand on his shoulder.
"He," Remus choked, dipping his head down to conceal his tears, his shame.
"Come on, let's go upstairs," Lily said soothingly, guiding Remus towards the stairwell and up to one of the spare bedrooms.
"What happened?" Lily asked, as the pair settled down onto the edge of the queen sized bed.
"I... He..." Remus sputtered, struggling to find the words he needed.
"I thought he'd changed, Lils. I thought he was making an effort. I thought he wanted to get better, god damn it!" he croaked, furiously wiping the tears from his reddened cheeks.
Lily nodded, offering Remus a sad, sympathetic look. "I know. I know, Rem," she said dully, shaking her head.
"I mean... what the fuck have I been doing, Lily? All this time I've been killing myself trying to support him, love him, be whatever it is I thought he needed and it's all been for nothing," he noted miserably, hiding his face in his hands.
"I've been wasting all of this time and energy and love on a man who wants no part of a better life. I mean... did he ever even fucking care about me? Or am I just another... another fuck toy to occupy his time until he tires of me and moves on to someone new?" he asked lowly, his words barely comprehensible between his staggering breaths and sobbing.
"Rem," Lily said gently, rubbing Remus' back. "Sirius is... he does care about you. But still... his behavior is unacceptable. You shouldn't be up here crying over him... you deserve more. So much better."
Lily sighed heavily, rubbing Remus' back as he continued to sob. God fucking damn you, Sirius. I know you're... it's not entirely your fault but still... Remus is my best friend. He has to come first. Always.
"I think you should tell him you want to spend some time apart," she continued, reaching up and stroking his golden brown hair. "It'll be good for both of you. This isn't healthy for you, Rem."
"I know," Remus choked, wiping away tears with the back of his hand.
The two froze as the bedroom door swung open, revealing a rather disheveled Sirius.
"Rem," Sirius started, smiling serenely at him. "Come here, want you so badly," he continued, draping his arms around Remus and pulling him into an embrace.
Remus froze, taken aback by Sirius' sudden advance on him.
"Come on, baby. Let me fuck that tight ass of yours," Sirius slurred, biting down on Remus' neck, leaving teeth marks. "You don't know what you do to me," he mumbled, reaching down and fumbling with Remus' belt, completely oblivious to Lily's presence.
Horrified, Remus shoved Sirius off of him, watching as the darker haired boy fell to the floor in a heap. "Don't fucking touch me," he shouted hoarsely, hands trembling as he felt a fresh wave of tears begin trickling down his cheeks.
Unsteadily, Sirius rose from the ground, observing Remus for a moment, taking in his red-flushed cheeks, the tear stains down his face. I'm a fucking monster. Arms hanging limply at his sides, he considered his next course of action, his thoughts racing. Do I apologize? Does he even want that? Frowning, Sirius reached absently for his bottle of whiskey, only to realize he'd left it behind somewhere during his trek to find Remus. You're already a fucking monster. He hates you. Fuck it. "Get the fuck out, Remus!" Sirius shouted, folding his arms against his chest.
Remus stared at him mutely from the bed, eyes wide. "What?" he muttered, unsure if he'd heard correctly.
"Get the fuck out of my house, Remus. If you're going to be a fucking dick, then just leave! Get the fuck away from me!" Sirius screamed, eyes narrowing to slits.
Remus nodded dumbly, rising to his feet. Averting his eyes from Sirius' gaze, he stormed out of the room, the front door slamming shut as he exited the house.
Lily observed Sirius darkly, disgusted by his behavior. "Sirius, what the fuck-"
"Spare me," Sirius huffed, shooting the redhead a venomous look.
Without another word, he turned on his heel, disappearing to his own bedroom.
Locking the door behind him, Sirius shoved the clutter off of his desk, dumping out the remainder of the eight-ball of coke he'd scored earlier that day. "Fuck it," he muttered to himself, hands shaking as he chopped up the off-white powder, hastily making thick lines across his desk.
Wordlessly, he reached for his snuff tube, sniffing up each line one by one until there wasn't a speck of powder left. Feeling a rush of adrenaline, he paced the room, thoughts racing. What did I do? Raking his fingers through his messy black hair, he stared at the mirror hanging over his dresser. He stood before it for several minutes, taking in his reflection: pale, white skin peeking out from where his tee shirt had ridden up, exposing a good inch and a half of flesh between the hem of the shirt and where his leather pants hung low on his hips. Eyes bloodshot with dilated pupils. Blood trickling from his right nostril. He frowned, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. He continued to stare at his reflection, an insurmountable rage building inside him. Screaming, he threw himself at the mirror, his fists colliding with the mirror. He continued hitting, ignoring the searing pain of glass ripping open his flesh, completely unaware of the dark red blood dripping from his hands, down his arms, staining his shirt and the carpet beneath him. Once the mirror had effectively been pounded into dust, he turned his rage on the bare wall to his right, punching holes into the plaster until his arms ached, completed drained from the energy put forth. Breathing heavily, he collapsed onto his bed, falling into a fitful slumber.
The next morning, Sirius woke to a pounding headache. As he lay in bed, mustering the energy needed to get up and find water and coffee and aspirin, he struggled to piece together the night prior. He remembered drinking while getting ready for the party, and he remembered doing shots with a variety of people, but chunks of time were completely missing from his memory. Guess I blacked out again. Great. Groaning, he threw his legs over the edge of the bed, shakily rising to his feet. He gripped onto the headboard, his vision blurred by a dizzy spell. "Fuck," he muttered, shuffling towards the bathroom, where he quickly turned the sink tap to cold, filling the sink before dunking his head into the water.
He lifted his head from the water, droplets of water dripping to the floor as he shook his head, his mind decidedly clearer from the cold water. As he stared at his reflection, taking in the dried trail of blood from his right nostril down his cheek, a thought struck him; he'd woken in bed alone. Surely Remus should have been... He frowned, racking his brain for any clues as to what could have transpired to explain his boyfriend's noticeable absence. "Remus," he muttered, eyes widening as he recalled the argument the two had had the night before.
Heart racing, he stared down at his hands, only just realizing that tiny shards of glass were embedded into his skin. "Shit," he mumbled, sinking to the floor, leaning against the bathroom wall for support. "What did I do?"
Sirius froze as he heard a tentative knock on the door. "Y-yeah?" he called out, unable to pull his gaze away from his bloodied hands.
The door opened slowly, James, followed by a furious looking Lily, entering the room. "Jesus Christ, Padfoot," James noted, paling at the sight of his friend.
Sirius said nothing, staring at his hands.
"Sirius."
Sirius glared at the pair, letting his arms fall helplessly to his sides. He hurt. Everything ached.
"What happened?" Lily asked, reaching out and lifting Sirius' right hand.
"I don't know," Sirius mumbled, turning his head, so as not to make eye contact. "I blacked out."
"James, can you get a tweezers for me, please?" Lily asked lowly, shooting James a pointed look.
James fumbled through the medicine cabinet, quickly producing a silver pair of tweezers. He handed them to Lily, who expertly began removing shards of glass from Sirius' palms. "Can you get me your mum's first aid kit from downstairs?" she asked, as she continued to nurse Sirius' injuries.
James nodded, quickly exiting the room. "You had a rough night," Lily observed, offering Sirius a sympathetic glance.
Sirius shrugged. "I guess so."
"I'm sorry I let you storm off... If I'd know you were going to do this, I'd have never left you alone last night. I'm sorry," Lily continued, holding Sirius' hand tighter as she struggled to remove a particularly stubborn piece of glass.
"Fuck," Sirius cursed, wincing from the pain of the sharp tweezers pinching his skin.
"Remus left," he said dully, lowering his right hand, now glass-free, to the floor, as Lily began to remove shards from his left.
"You told him to," Lily observed, nimble fingers maneuvering the tweezers to remove tiny shards from the knuckles of his left hand.
"It's not working anymore, is it?" Sirius asked, feeling his stomach drop.
Lily sighed, lifting her head to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry, Sirius."
James returned, first aid kit in hand. "Everything alright?" he asked, unnerved by Sirius' sullen expression.
"All done," Lily noted, placing the tweezers on the floor beside her.
Sirius grunted something unintelligible, squeezing his eyes shut as he leaned against the wall. Silently, Lily cleaned his hands with antiseptic. Sirius winced, uttering a low hiss as the antiseptic burned the open wounds on his hands. Gently, Lily applied an antibiotic cream, wrapping his hands up with gauze bandages. "There," she said finally, examining her handiwork.
"Thanks," Sirius said lowly, instinctively wrapping his arms around his chest.
"You alright, mate?" James asked, mildly alarmed by Sirius' silence.
"I'm gonna go out for a bit, I think. Clear my head, ya know?" Sirius muttered, rising to his feet.
"Are you alright to drive?" Lily asked, glancing expectantly at James.
"I'll be fine. I'm not going far."
James and Lily exchanged worried glances. "Alright," Lily said at last, unconvinced. "If you need anything, ring us, okay?"
Sirius nodded. "Alright."
"You look like shit," Bellatrix observed, taking in Sirius' disheveled appearance as he stood in her doorway.
"Thanks," he muttered, shoving her out of the way, into the flat.
"How was your party?" Bella asked, lowering herself into one of the armchairs in the sitting room.
Sirius paled, slumping down onto the love-seat. "I don't remember. I got shitfaced and blacked out."
"What happened to your hands?"
"I got angry," Sirius said quietly, hugging a throw pillow against his chest.
"Why, what happened?" Bella asked gently, rising to her feet.
Sirius watched as she gathered a bottle of bourbon from the liquor cabinet, carefully pouring two tumblers full, before taking a seat beside him. She offered him a glass, which he took, gratefully. "So?" she asked, taking a tentative sip.
"I fought with Remus," he mumbled, taking a sip of his drink. He closed his eyes, savoring the warmth of the liquor spreading through his core.
"What were you fighting about?" Bella prompted, gray eyes observing him curiously.
Sirius shrugged. "I don't even know... something must have happened. All I remember was screaming at him to get out of my house. Then I did a bunch of blow, smashed up my bedroom, and passed out."
Bella nodded. "I know how that can be... are you okay?"
Sirius shook his head. "It's not working, anymore," he muttered, taking a deep sip.
"What isn't?"
Sirius paused, his lip quivering as he struggled to say it. We're not working. Remus and I. He doesn't want to be with me.
"Fuck it," Bellatrix interrupted, noting his obvious discomfort. "Don't even think about it. Let's drink."
Sirius nodded, tossing back the remainder of his drink. "Alright," he agreed, a small smile forming on his lips.
Sirius leaned over the coffee table, carefully inhaling a particularly thick line of cocaine that Bellatrix had graciously set out for the two of them. He inhaled deeply through his nose, eyes shut blissfully as he felt the desired effect coursing through his veins. Everything is perfect. He reached for his tumbler of bourbon, tilting his head back as he took a deep gulp of the amber liquid. "I just don't know what his problem is," he noted, observing Bella as she lit a cigarette, perched on the arm of the love-seat.
"You know I could cheat on him, if I wanted to. It'd be so easy. I mean... anyone would be thrilled to get into bed with me, you know? I'm Sirius fucking Black. Who wouldn't want me?"
"Naturally," Bella agreed, tapping ash into a crystal ashtray.
"I just, fuck," Sirius muttered, reaching for Bellatrix's cigarette, taking a drag.
"Do you think you're going to break up?" Bella asked, reaching for her own glass of bourbon, effectively draining half the glass with a single sip. She observed her younger cousin for a moment, unnerved by how inebriated he was. It's been a while since I've seen him this bad off.
"I don't know," Sirius said hollowly, grabbing the snuff tube off the table, ready to take another hit.
He inhaled another line, nearly choking on the battery acid drip in the back of his throat. "Fuck," he muttered, reflexively reaching for his drink.
"Do you want to break up with him?" Bella asked gently, eyeing Sirius with concern.
"No," Sirius sighed, frowning. "But..."
"I love him but I can't... I'm not enough for him, I guess," he elaborated, slumping down into his seat.
"You've know each other for a long time, though. Couples fight. God knows Rod and I have nasty, nasty quarrels. But if you love each other, you make it work. You shouldn't just throw in the towel because things are hard, right now," Bellatrix noted, placing a gentle hand over Sirius' bandaged one.
"But..."
"You said you love him. Remus is special to you .You... your eyes light up in a way I've never seen in you before, when you talk about him, Siri. Don't just throw that away because it's the easy thing to do," Bellatrix interrupted, her steely gray eyes focused on his.
Sirius nodded, considering her words. "You're right," he agreed. "I... I need him, you know?"
Bella nodded her head. "Of course I do... I know how it is, trying to deal with all of this," she noted, gesturing towards her head. "It's hard... being crazy. Trying to be a person. Have a relationship. I know.
"I need to apologize," Sirius mumbled, rising to his feet.
Bellatrix bit her lower lip, alarmed. "Are you sure you're alright to-"
"I've got to go, I need to see him. Now," Sirius interrupted, gathering his coat and quickly pulling it on.
"Sirius, wait. Maybe we should-"
"I have to talk to him, Bella. I have to apologize before he leaves me!" Sirius cried out, frantic. "I-I can't lose him. I need him. I have to fix this!"
"Thanks for coming over," Remus said quietly over a steaming mug of tea, offering the redhead across from him a grateful smile.
"Sure thing," Jack replied, taking a sip of his own tea. "So you're taking Poetry II this semester, right?"
Remus nodded, appreciative of the effort Jack was making to distract him. "Yeah. It's a pain in the arse. I hate poetry."
"At least you didn't take Irish literature and culture. I think I've discussed James Joyce more than I'd care to for the rest of my life," Jack laughed, offering Remus a sunny smile.
"I believe it. Though Shakespeare is no bargain. We've spent the past two weeks deconstructing one soliloquy from King Lear. If we don't move on by next lecture, I'm tempted to start skipping that class," Remus laughed, taking a sip of his tea.
He'd spent the night before lying in bed crying, his altercation with Sirius playing in his head on an endless loop. In a fit of desperation, he'd called Jack at ten in the morning, under the guise of asking about an assignment for their creative writing class. Jack, recognizing the unsteady tone of Remus' voice, had asked if he'd like company, offering to stop by to talk.
Initially, he'd tried prying as to why Remus was so upset, with tear stains on his cheeks. However, after several minutes of uncomfortable silence, Jack had aptly realized that what Remus needed more than anything was a distraction from whatever was bothering him.
"So what are you going to take next term?" Jack asked, eyeing Remus curiously. "We should try and enroll in a few of the same courses. It'll be fun to have someone to brainstorm ideas for papers with."
"Absolutely," Remus agreed, nodding eagerly. He smiled, feeling relaxed for the first time since the evening before. "I've been thinking about taking a play-writing course."
As Jack opened his mouth to reply, Remus heard his front door creaking open. He tensed, it only just dawning on him that he'd given him a spare key to his flat.
"Remus," a familiar voice rang out.
Remus gripped his mug tighter, unable to pull his gaze from Jack, who appeared startled. "Who-"
"Rem," Sirius called out, swinging the kitchen door open. He froze, standing in the doorway, observing the pair at the kitchen table. "What the fuck," he muttered, rage welling in his chest. Sirius took a deep breath, his mind racing as he struggled to comprehend the scene before him. What is he... why... Sirius frowned, gritting his teeth. He exhaled slowly, shrugging his shoulders. Fuck it. Leave him before he leaves you.
"Sirius-"
"Fuck you, Rem," Sirius shouted, striding across the kitchen.
Remus rose to his feet, eyeing Sirius cautiously as the darker hair boy screamed expletives at him, his words barely comprehensible. He smelled liquor on his breath but said nothing, knowing better than to argue when Sirius was in a rage.
"Fuck you," Sirius screamed, tears welling in his eyes. "So, what the fuck is this? Are you fucking him?" he screeched, gesturing toward Jack.
"Sirius, he's my friend. You know that!" Remus snapped.
"Like I believe that," Sirius spat, glaring hatefully at Remus.
Jack approached him, attempting to intervene. "Come on, man. Calm down," he started, placing a hand on Sirius' shoulder.
With more grace than Remus thought Sirius was capable of while drunk, Sirius turned to face the redhead, knocking Jack out cold with a single swing of his right fist.
Breathing heavily, Sirius turned his attention back to Remus, ignoring the red stain that had begun to bloom across the bandage on his right hand. "How long has this been going on?" he sneered, lips curled in anger, baring sharp canine teeth.
"Sirius, what the fuck? You're drunk, you're not making any sense, you-"
"I should have known from the start that you were seeing him," Sirius snapped, interrupting him.
"Sirius, I," Remus started, making to reach out to touch Sirius' arm, in an effort to calm him.
"You're a filthy whore and I hate you. I'm fucking done," Sirius shouted, tears trickling down his cheeks as he shoved Remus away from him.
Remus stumbled back, taken off guard. Hot tears prickled his eyes as he backed away from Sirius, desperate to put as much distance between them as possible.
"How could you fucking do this to me?" Sirius cried, eyeing Remus hatefully.
Remus shrank away, body trembling. He really must have changed. Sirius would never lay a hand on me. Ever. "Get out, Sirius!" he screamed, vision blurry with tears. "Get the fuck out of my life!"
Sirius stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Sniffling back tears, Remus grabbed his phone from off the kitchen counter, hurriedly dialing Lily's number.
The phone rang twice before a familiar voice called out a greeting. "L-lily," Remus stuttered, tears still streaming violently down his cheeks.
"Remus, what's wrong?"
"I can't- I can't deal with this. Sirius showed up here, drunk. I... I think we broke up, I don't know..."
"What do you mean, you don't know? What happened, where is he? Are you okay?"
Remus shook his head, legs shaking as he lowered his body to the ground, curling his legs up to his chest, resting the phone between his ear and his shoulder. "I... Jack was here, trying to cheer me up. Sirius accusing me of cheating... He knocked Jack out. He... He shoved me, Lily... He's, he's never laid a hand on me, before. It's like I don't even know who he is, anymore. I can't... I can't deal with this."
"Are you hurt? Jesus fucking Christ, Remus. Where the fuck is he?"
"I don't know... I'm fine... I... I need to check on Jack. He hit his head pretty hard on the linoleum. I... I told Sirius to get out. He left... I don't... I don't know where he went," Remus sobbed, a fresh wave of tears flowing freely down his cheeks.
"I'm so sorry, Rem," Lily said softly, her voice cracking with emotion. "I'll... I'll be over as soon as I can, okay. Let me know how Jack is... I... I I'm so sorry, Rem. I can't believe he... are you sure you're okay?"
"I don't know," Remus replied numbly, squeezing his eyes shut. "I loved him, Lils. I loved him and it hurts so bad."
"I know, Rem. I know. I'll be there soon, I promise. I love you."
"Mhm," Remus choked out, a sob escaping his lips. "Do you think he... oh Christ, do you think he's okay?"
"FUCK HIM, Remus. I hope he goes and gets himself killed driving around drunk like the piece of shit he is," Lily retorted venomously.
"Lily," Remus protested, sniffling.
"Don't think about him, Rem. You deserve so much more. He's not... he's sick, but that's no excuse to lay your hands on someone. Ever. Listen, I've got to go. I'll be there soon, okay?"
