A/N: Sorry that it's been forever since I've updated. I don't have a good excuse, so I won't bother with one. I think that it goes without saying that living with bpd is unpleasant. So, apologies for having to take some time to get myself sorted out. I'd like to take a moment to thank IWannaBeBoothy, who is literally the best, for listening to my countless rants about how I couldn't get myself to write anything and helping me work through my plans for this very chapter. You should check out her work, because it's AWESOME. Sorry this isn't longer, but it's been months and I'm just excited that I've made any progress with the story. I have plans for where I'm going with the next chapter, so look out for another update in another day or two.
Wordlessly, Sirius trudged up the stairs to his bedroom, frantic energy coursing through his veins. I need to come down. I must have some xanax lying around somewhere.
Sirius paused as he found himself face to face with a furious-looking Lily Evans. "Lils-"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" she hissed, seething with rage.
"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked, heart beating faster. I need to come down, go away Lily, I need a fucking xanax, Jesus...
"Are you high?" Lily asked, incredulously. "Is that what this is, Sirius? You're all coked up again and completely out of control?"
"Bugger off, Lils," Sirius hissed, attempting to shove past her and continue up the stairs.
"Fuck you," she spat, shoving him back.
"Lily," he said warningly, his eyes narrowing to slits as blind rage welled in his chest.
"You're a right bastard, you know that, Black?"
Sirius froze, taken aback by her use of his last name.
"You're just like the rest of your lot, aren't you?" she taunted, green eyes shining with rage. "No good."
Sirius glared, venomous rage flickering in his gray eyes. Oh, so I'm just another Black? Fuck it. I'll show you just how much of a Black I can be.
Sirius took a menacing step forward, forcing Lily to take a step back. He stared angrily at her, taking the stairs one at a time, forcing her to continue to step backward. At last, they reached the second floor. Sirius rushed forward, pinning Lily between himself and the wall. "This was not my fault," he hissed, spittle forming in the corners of his mouth as he stared down at her, his arms barring Lily from both sides, denying her an opportunity to escape. "This is Remus' fault. He made me do it... He's supposed to be my boyfriend, Lily. That ginger arsehole had to be put in his place," he continued, swaying slightly.
Lily stared back at him, face flushing with anger. "You better apologize to him. Get down on your fucking knees and beg for Remus' forgiveness or I swear to fucking god, Black, you are out of this house."
"I live here. You don't get a say on whether or not I stay," Sirius snapped, lips curling into a sneer. "It was his fault."
"Fuck you, Black! Fucking arsehole. What do you-what do you even think you're doing? Are you going to keep me hostage here until I tell you that what you did was okay? Because it's not, Sirius. It's fucking not! You're a right piece of shit for what you did to Remus and Jack. He's his friend. A better friend than you are, it seems!"
"Shut the fuck up," Sirius hissed, slamming his fist against the wall, inches from her head.
"What are you going to do, Black? Are you going to hit me, too? Go ahead. Go ahead and hit me, you fucking coward-"
"Lily," Sirius growled warningly.
"You don't deserve him. Never have, never will. Remus deserves better than a rich boy junkie- owww" she howled, a hand reflexively covering her cheek, where she'd been slapped.
"Shut the fuck up," Sirius hissed, hand still raised.
Sirius froze as he felt warm spittle trickle down his cheek. The whore spit on me.
"You better run to your room and pack a bag, Black. James will never forgive you for what you just did. You disgusting piece of shit."
Sirius slammed his bedroom door shut, thoughts racing as he paced the room. I need to get out of here. Now. "Go away," he screamed, voice hoarse, as Lily pounded on his bedroom door, screaming.
"You are out of this house, Sirius Black!" Lily screeched, fists pounding against the door.
Instinctively, Sirius grabbed his duffel bag from the closet, haphazardly shoving the nearest clothing possible into it. As he shoved his laptop into the bag, he was interrupted by the sharp bang of the door swinging open.
James strode across the room, gripping Sirius by his shoulders, lifting him up off the ground. "You fucking slapped my girlfriend. You're bloody out of your mind!" he shouted, eyeing him with a mixture of fury and disgust.
"James," Sirius started, pulling away from James' grip.
"You're out of here, Sirius, out!"
"Your filthy whore spat on me," he argued, crumbling into a heap as James let go of him.
"What did you just call her?" James asked, face void of any expression.
Sirius rose to his feet, grabbing his duffel bag. "Whatever, I'm leaving," he mumbled, brushing past James.
As he made towards the door, he felt the painfully tight grip of Jame's hand around his bicep, pulling him back. Sirius winced as he felt James' fist colliding with his face, hitting him squarely in the right eye.
"I hate you. I hate both of you," Sirius muttered, pulling out of James' grasp.
He stormed down the stairs, ignoring Lily's shrill insults hurled his direction as he made a beeline for the door. He slammed the front door behind him, pausing for a moment to fully take in what had just transpired. What the fuck am I going to do?
Sirius trembled, breathing through his nose as he forced back tears. "Now I really have no one," he sniffled, glancing mournfully back at the house.
Sighing, he dragged his bag to his car, throwing it into the passenger seat. Once safely seated in his car and pulling out of the Potters' driveway, Sirius allowed the tears to flow.
Bellatrix opened her door to find Sirius swaying in her doorway, duffel bag in hand, looking worse for wear. "What happened?" she asked, forgetting all pleasantries as she led him inside.
"Could I maybe stay with you for a while?" he asked, slumping down into the nearest chair, his bag thumping to the floor at his feet.
"Yeah, of course. I have a spare bedroom... Is everything alright?" she pressed, eyeing him critically.
She frowned, eyes targeting in on the forming bruise under his right eye. "Why do you have a black eye, Sirius?"
Sirius shrugged, covering his face with his hands. "I'unno. Can-can I have a drink, Bella?" he asked, his words thick as he slurred, struggling to construct a sentence.
Bella frowned, considering. He sounds like he's already had enough to drink. But still... He won't talk if he doesn't get what he wants. God, he really is a true Black...
Silently, she stalked across the room to the liquor cabinet, struggling to keep her hands steady as she poured two healthy measures of whiskey into rocks glasses. "Here," she offered, pressing a glass into his hands.
"Thanks," he mumbled, sipping slowly.
Bella nodded approvingly, taking a seat opposite him in a large armchair. "Do you want to talk about it?" she started, sipping her drink.
"I fucked up," he offered, lips quivering as he brought his glass to his lips, once more.
"Who hit you, Siri?"
"James."
"What?" Bella hissed, eyes narrowing to slits. I should kill him, the fucking arsehole-
"I slapped Lily. His girl. She... I don't even know what I was doing. I wasn't thinking. I was angry and she was... She was taunting me and I reacted. I don't know. I'm horrible. Awful. She's right. I'm disgusting," Sirius mumbled, staring disgustedly down at his trembling hands. "I don't deserve Remus. I don't deserve anyone."
"Siri," Bella said softly, rising to her feet. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him tightly to her chest. "You have a mental illness. You can't... Sometimes you do bad things, but... But that doesn't make you a bad person. You're... You're having a hard time right now, and they should... James is your best mate. He'll cool down and forgive you."
"He won't though," Sirius sobbed, pulling away from Bella's embrace. "He told me to leave... He-he kicked me out."
Bella observed him for a moment, unsure of what to say. "Don't think about it right now. You're staying with me and that's all that matters. You're here and you're safe. Okay?"
Sirius nodded, staring down at his feet.
"You look a mess, Sirius. Why don't I run a bath for you?"
Sirius nodded, still staring down at his feet. "Thanks."
Sirius woke in a cold sweat, fitfully tearing the blanket covering him off of his warm torso. After his bath, Bellatrix had given him two xanax bars before tucking him into bed in her spare bedroom. He'd fallen into a light, troubled sleep, plagued by the day's events playing on an endless loop. He squinted at the flickering clock on the desk, his eyes still adjusting to the dark. 1:00am. Sirius sighed, throwing his head back against the pillow. There's no way I'll be falling asleep again, tonight. Wiping sweat from his brow, he curled up on his side, hugging his knees to his chest. I can't believe I lost them, all of them, in one final sweep. God fucking damn it, what is wrong with me?
Sirius dragged himself out of bed, unable to bear lying in silence for a moment longer. He wandered out into the living room, where he settled himself on the couch. He turned on the television set, mindlessly channel surfing, as his thoughts raced. You're so useless. Such a failure. So crazy. Why don't you just do everyone a favor and kill yourself? It's not like anyone would even care... Sirius froze, gripping the remote control tightly. "I need it stop, I just... I want everything to stop," he muttered to himself, listlessly rising to his feet.
Trace-like, he grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet, clutching it tightly with his right hand. He wandered into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Furiously, he dug through the medicine cabinet, desperate to find something, anything that would make his thoughts stop racing. Come on Bella, you must have something...
With shaking hands, he removed vials of pills from the cabinets, barely registering what the labels read as he lined them up along the bathroom counter. Hands still shaking, he struggled to open the vials, dumping handfuls of pills into his palm. Valium, he noted dully, swallowing down a dozen pills with a swig of whiskey. He winced as the liquor burned his throat, but continued with the task at hand, reaching for the next bottle of pills. Zyprexa. He swallowed half a dozen down, chasing them with whiskey. He reached for the next bottle, Klonopin. Vision doubled, he dumped the entire vial into his mouth, swallowing the twenty-something pills with another swig of whiskey. He reached for the next bottle, not bothering to read what it was. Swallow. Chase with whiskey. Eyelids drooping, Sirius staggered out of the bathroom, whiskey bottle in hand, back towards the living room. As he entered the room, Sirius' vision blurred. He fell to the floor with a dull thud, the whiskey bottle still clutched in his hand.
Bellatrix woke with a start, staring wildly around the darkened room. What time is it? She glanced at the clock on her dresser, which blinked the time in large red numbers. 5AM. She frowned, acutely aware that the television was on in the living room. "Siri must be awake," she muttered to herself, carefully getting out of bed, so as not to wake Rod.
She pulled on a robe, gently shutting the door behind her. "Hey, Siri," she whispered, padding into the living room. "What are you-" she froze, gray eyes widening in horror as her mind struggled to process the sight before her; Sirius, lying face-first on the floor, whiskey bottle in hand. "Fuck," she whispered, fear coursing through her veins. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."
She dropped to her knees beside him, gently rolling Sirius onto his side. He mumbled slightly, a trail of vomit trickling down his chin. He fucking OD'd on something. Fuck. "ROD!" she cried out, her shrill voice echoing in the relatively silent apartment. "ROD, COME HERE! NOW!"
"Bella, what's going on?" Rod asked, rubbing sleep from his eyes as he staggered out into the living room.
"He's fucking OD'ing on something," she elaborated, gesturing towards Sirius. "Do something!"
Rod nodded, concern etched on his face. "I'll get the charcoal," he offered, swiftly turning back towards the bedroom.
Bella nodded, scooping Sirius up closer to her, holding his head in her lap. "You're going to be okay, Siri. I promise," she told him, smoothing down his dark raven locks.
Bella listened as she heard Rod rushing from the bedroom to the kitchen, anxiously waiting for him to prepare the activated charcoal. At last, he returned to her side, a small glass in hand.
"Give me that," she snapped, pulling the glass from out of his hand.
"Are you sure you'll be able to get him to drink it? He's unconscious, Bella," Rod noted, frowning.
"No, he'll be fine. Trust me. I used to do this every weekend. Help me prop him up so I can pour it down his throat. He's not totally out, he's just very groggy. See? His eyelids are fluttering open every few minutes," Bella instructed.
Carefully, Rodolphus propped Sirius up, allowing Bella to force the thick liquid down Sirius' throat. "Come on honey, you're almost done," she cooed, stroking his hair, "just drink the rest for me, okay?"
Once certain that'd he'd finished the entirety, the pair rushed him into the bathroom, waiting for the inevitable. Sirius' eyes fluttered open in a panic as he struggled to lean forward over the toilet, a spray of chalky black vomit erupting from his lips.
"Good boy," Bella whispered, holding his hair back as he retched into the toilet. "Get it all up, Siri. Good. You'll feel so much better as soon as you get it all up."
Sirius gagged on the seemingly endless stream of vomit, nearly collapsing several times from the effort. Bella and Rod held a steadying hand on either shoulder, keeping him upright. "Good job, honey," Bella praised him, kissing him lightly on the forehead as he collapsed into her arms. "You did so good."
Sirius stared weakly up at her as she wiped his mouth with a washcloth, her vision blurry with tears. "Oh Sirius," she sobbed, pulling him closer to her. "You really scared me."
