"So," Lily started, pacing James' bedroom briskly, "you want to tell me what the bloody hell that was?"
"What do you want me to say, Lils?" James muttered, covering his face with his hands.
"I want you to tell me why you just sat there, bloody useless, while that disgusting excuse for a human being-"
"Lily, don't," James interrupted, his tone firm.
"Oh, here we fucking go again," Lily retorted, rolling her eyes.
"He's sick, Lily. I haven't seen my best mate in months, haven't heard one word about how he's been… I don't think he meant any ill will towards Rem."
Lily snorted, shaking her head. "You're a right piece of work. Listen to me-"
"No, you listen to me, Lily. Sirius was pissed. He hasn't seen or heard from any of us in months, he acted exactly the way I'd expect him to."
"That doesn't make it right."
"Neither does cutting off your best mate who is mentally ill and has no one, yet here we are," James replied sharply, shooting her a pointed look.
"So you blame me," Lily said lowly, her lips twitching into a mixed expression of grief and rage.
"I don't blame you, Lils… I just… mum was right, I should have at least called him, checked in," James concluded, hanging his head down once more.
Lily sighed, draping her arms around James' shoulders. "Jamesie, I love you. You know that… I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry but… I can't forgive him for what he did to Remus. And Jack. If you need to… check in with him to clear your conscience or whatever this is about, that's your business. Please understand that I can't, though. I can't."
James nodded, saying nothing.
"You okay, love?"
James shrugged.
"James," Lily said, eyeing him worriedly. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"You should go home, Lils," James said quietly, voice barely above a whisper.
"But James-"
"Lils. Go."
Lily nodded, lips pursed tightly together as she gathered her things. "I'm sorry James. Call me in the morning. Please?"
"I will," James affirmed, still staring at the floor.
"Are you sure you want me to…" she trailed off, arms wrapped protectively around herself.
"I just need some time, Lil. Please."
Lily nodded, making towards the door. "I love you. You know that, right?"
"Love you too, Lils."
James sighed, rubbing his face furiously once Lily was on the opposite side of the door. "Goddamn it, Sirius," he muttered, shaking his head.
He removed his cell from his pocket, considering his options. You could just call him. He frowned, pulse beating just a bit faster. No, he'll probably start screaming at you, idiot. Besides, it's late. He's probably otherwise occupied. Or passed out. For lack of anything else to do, he opened up Facebook, scrolling through his news-feed. To his surprise, he caught sight of pictures of Sirius, which he'd uploaded thirty minutes before. "So he reactivated his account," James said lowly, biting his lip nervously.
He tapped on Sirius' name, opening a new chat message. Sighing, he stared down at the screen, unsure how to begin. "What do I even say?" he asked himself, frowning. "Sorry for abandoning you when you needed me most?"
James stared down at the screen several minutes, chest tight as he considered what to say to his best friend. Finally, he put the phone down, hands shaking. Another day, he promised himself, pulling off his shirt and crawling into bed. I'll talk to him another day.
"How's he been holding up?" Bella asked, fingers busy as she arranged even lines of cocaine.
"Alright, I suppose," Evelyn replied, running her fingers anxiously through her hair.
"I wish you'd brought him round," Bella noted, bending over to inhale a line. She sighed contently, wiping her nose with the back of her hand.
"He's sleeping off a bad drunk," Evelyn retorted, accepting the snuff tube from Bella and following suit. She inhaled, appreciating the jolt of energy coursing through her body.
Bella nodded, proceeding to inhale two lines. The two sat in silence, quietly consuming the drugs, each lost in their own thoughts. "Rod's away on business?" Evelyn asked, breaking the silence.
"Yeah," Bella agreed, her forced smile wavering. "Two weeks in New York."
"And how have you been holding up?"
Bella shrugged, rapping her fingers on her armrest. "Oh. You know. Fine."
"You're a horrific liar," Evelyn told her, sighing. "Have you been taking your meds?"
Bella shrugged. "I don't know, E. I've been losing time. Hard to say what I've been up to," she offered, rising to her feet.
Evelyn watched as she poured herself a glass of whiskey, swirling the amber liquid aimlessly. "I know my dealer came by. Good coke, right?" she asked, grinning.
The blonde clenched her fists tightly, willing herself to contain the anger coursing through her veins. "How long have you been off your meds, Bella?" she asked, her voice void of inflection.
"Dunno," the brunette laughed, taking a swig of her drink. "Two, three weeks?"
"You don't look like you've slept much," Evelyn observed.
"Not tired," Bella challenged, folding her arms against her chest. "Honestly, Evie, you're overreacting. I'm fine."
Evelyn remained silent, considering her next course of action. She froze, taken off guard when she felt Bella's arms wrap around her waist, pulling her into an embrace. "I've missed you, E," she whispered, her breath hot on Evelyn's ear.
Evelyn sighed, enjoying the familiar touch of Bella's skin against her own. "Rod won't be back for another week… What do you say, for old time's sake?" she asked, shooting Evelyn a pointed look.
"I thought you said we couldn't do that anymore," she said lowly, pulling away from Bella's touch. "You're engaged, Bella."
"You know you want it, Evie. I want you, you want me… no one has to know, it's fine," Bella continued, reaching for Evie's hand, pulling her toward the bedroom.
"No," she said softly, pulling her hand away.
Bella stared at her, not comprehending. "Why?"
"I'm not your side piece, Bella. You can't just expect me to cater to your every whim whenever Rod's out of town and not available to shag you," Evelyn retorted, taking a step away from the brunette.
Bella rolled her eyes, striding purposefully toward the liquor cabinet. "You're something else, you know that, Evelyn?"
Evie stared her down, waiting for her to continue.
"You think I don't know? Do you think I'm daft? I KNOW you're still in love with me. I know, Rod knows…. everyone who knows us bloody knows. You're so obvious, Evelyn. Every time you look at me, I can see it in your eyes… you're pathetic. If you had any sense you'd move on. I'm getting married, Evelyn. He won and you lost. I'm not going to leave him for you, you should bloody well get that into your head," Bella ranted, waving her drink wildly in the air for emphasis.
"And here I am, being so kind as to throw you a pity shag, and you refuse me?" she scoffed, shaking her head.
"Fuck you, Bella," Evelyn said sharply, grabbing her purse from the floor.
"Where the fuck do you think you're going?"
"Home."
Bella began to scream, throwing her glass across the room. Evelyn winced as she heard the sharp crack of glass shattering against the wall. She stood by the door, watching as Bella thrashed angrily about the room, breaking glass after glass. She winced, a stray shard of glass nicking her as a glass shattered alarmingly close to her head.
"I hate you," Bella screeched, grabbing a half-full bottle of whiskey and hurtling that at the wall, as well.
The bottle exploded from the impact, sending shards of glass and amber liquid in splatters across the room. Evelyn bit her lip, watching as Bella continued to pace,
expression feral, as she searched for something else to break.
"Are you done?" Evelyn asked pointedly.
Bella took several deep breaths, staring down at her hands. After running out of glassware to break, she'd taken to picking up larger fragments of the broken ones, lacerating her hands. Trickles of blood snaked down her hands, droplets falling to the floor, staining the carpet.
"Don't leave. Please?" Bella asked, eyes wide.
"I'm sorry, okay? I just… I just fuck,I don't know what's wrong with me I can't think straight and-and-and…" she trailed off, falling to the floor in a sobbing heap.
Evelyn sighed, breathing in deeply through her nose. "You're manic, Bella."
"I'm not-"
"Yes, love. You are. You've been off your meds and you're in the midst of a manic episode. Come on, now," she retorted, offering Bella a hand, pulling her to her feet.
Bella sobbed, burying her face in Evelyn's shoulder. Evelyn held her tightly, rubbing her back soothingly. "It's okay, B. You're going to be okay… we'll get you through this."
Once Bella's tears had subsided, the blonde led her to the kitchen, settling her at the table. "I'll make you a cuppa, okay?"
"I'd prefer something a bit stronger," Bella replied, smiling sadly.
"You know you just smashed your last bottle of whiskey."
"Fuck," Bella swore, resting her head on the table.
"Where are your meds, love?" Evelyn asked, abruptly changing the subject.
"I threw them out."
Evelyn squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head. "Oh, Bella." She lowered herself into a chair opposite Bella. "Do you have glass in your hands?" she asked, eyeing the brunette's injured hands.
"I don't think so," Bella replied, shrugging. "Just cut them up a bit."
"Give me a moment," Evelyn instructed, rising to her feet. "I'll clean you up."
Evelyn excused herself to the bathroom, in search of bandages and antiseptic. She dug through the medicine cabinet, searching in vain for Bella's medication, which she certainly had disposed of. Disappointed, she gathered the supplies to patch Bella up, returning to the kitchen.
"Give me your hand," she instructed, gently wiping Bella's right hand with a wet cloth. Expertly, she cleaned her cuts with antiseptic, wrapping them up in bandages. She repeated the motions, finishing up Bella's left hand quickly. "I suppose breaking glass is a family trait of yours," Evelyn noted, lips pressed into a grim line.
"What makes you say that?" Bella asked, curious.
"Well," Evelyn began, taking one of Bella's hands in her own and squeezing it gently, "god only knows how many times I've cleaned you up after one of your rages like this… and Sirius does the same thing when he gets into a mood."
"Oh?" Bella asked, eyebrow raised.
"Yeah," Evelyn affirmed, lightly stroking Bella's hand. "Though he tends to punch mirrors. Makes a bloody mess of his hands. I've had to remove plenty of glass from his hands with tweezers."
I'm sorry I'm so bloody useless, Evie."
"Bella, you're not-"
"Yes, I am. I know that I'm fucked up, Evelyn. I'm sorry. It's bad enough you have to take care of me. I shouldn't have put Sirius on you too. It's not your responsibility to look after the mad Blacks."
"I'm going to give Dr. Walker a call. See if he can phone in a new prescription for you. You should see him, as well. I'll go with you, if you'd like," Evelyn told her, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to Bella's lips.
"I don't deserve you," Bella said quietly, lips quivering as tears began to form in her eyes.
"I love you, B. Always have, always will," Evelyn told her, shrugging.
"You know you could do better. Christ, we aren't even… I don't have much of a choice, you know? My Da… he wouldn't…. and I do love Rod, too. It's just…" Bella trailed off, staring down at her hands as silent tears trickled down her cheeks.
"It's like I told you before, Bella. You're it for me. I know that whatever we have isn't conventional by any means, but if it's all I can have, I'll take it."
"You and Sirius seemed to be hitting it off pretty well."
Evelyn shook her head, smiling sadly. "He's a sweet boy. But we both know we were just kidding ourselves. He's still head over heels for that boy of his. And he knows that for me, it's you and only you."
"You told him?" Bella asked, accusingly.
Evelyn rolled her eyes. "He saw us, back when he was staying here. But yeah, more or less, he knows the score."
"You're a bloody saint, Evelyn Greengrass."
"Hush, love. Why don't you fix us a cuppa while I sort out things with the doctor?"
Bella nodded. "Alright."
Remus took a sip of tea, carefully placing his mug down. He glanced from his laptop screen to the pile of books littering the table he was seated at. He'd been working for hours on his Russian Lit paper. He still had two weeks to the deadline, but had thrown himself into his work, to distract himself from thinking about him. A month had passed since his run-in with Sirius at Marlene's party, and he hadn't caught sight of him even once, since. Suppose he's gone off the grid again. Though it pained Remus to admit it, he worried about him. James had mentioned, in passing, that Sirius had reactivated his Facebook account. Until now, he had refrained from snooping around on Facebook to see what Sirius was up to. It's none of your business. You're with Jack, now. Sirius is an adult, he can take care of himself. Impulsively, he pulled his laptop toward him, fingers typing frantically as he pulled up Facebook. He typed Sirius' name into the search bar, clicking on his profile. Lips pressed tightly together, he scrolled down, taking in the various images of a very intoxicated Sirius. Fuck. Remus squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to reign his emotions in. It appeared that Sirius was spending a good deal of time getting extremely drunk. Or fucked up on god knows what, he thought miserably. It also appeared he was spending a lot of time with the blonde he'd been with at the party, Evelyn Greengrass.
"Wonder what her deal is," he said to himself, clicking on the blonde's name. He scrolled through her profile, curious to learn more about the woman. "Studied Medicine at Cambridge…. hmm," he muttered to himself, frowning. Wonder if she finished, if she's a doctor. He reached for his tea, taking a deep sip. He continued to scroll through her page, which was extremely sparse, due to her profile being private. He took note of pictures of her attending charity galas and similar functions. Must be a society girl.
"You alright there, Moony?"
Remus froze, feeling as if he'd been caught doing something forbidden. "Yeah," he said quickly, minimizing the web page on his screen.
"I suppose I'm not the only one who's curious about what he's been up to, eh?" James asked, joining Remus at the table.
"I don't know what you're…" Remus trailed off, taking note of James' pointed look. "Okay, yeah. I was curious," he admitted, waving his hand dismissively. "Can you blame me?"
James nodded, lips pressed firmly together. "I've been trying to build up the courage to message him. Can't seem to bring myself to do it, though."
"Why?"
James sighed. "Loads of reasons, I s'pose. What he did to you, did to Lils. The way he'd been behaving leading up to everything. I don't quite know what to even say to him, Rem. The guilt doesn't help, either."
Remus remained silent, waiting for James to continue.
James cleared his throat, cracking his knuckles, a nervous habit of his. "He's supposed to be my brother, Rem. And I just abandoned him. Mum is furious with me for it. Hell, I'm furious with myself. I-" he paused, lips pursed together in thought.
"I know he's a bloody idiot and he fucked up, badly. But he's sick. We know he's sick. Sirius has done plenty of crummy things in his life, this was just… on another level. I know we had every right to refuse to condone his behavior but… fuck, I miss him. And I'm worried about him. You saw him that night, Rem, I mean look at him," James continued, shaking his head.
"He looks like shite," Remus affirmed, lowering his eyes.
The two sat quietly for a moment. "Drugs, you think?" Remus asked.
"Yeah… that and you know he's drinking too much. It's all he bloody seems to do if you judge by his Facebook account," James sighed.
"You picked up on that too, eh?"
"Yeah… can't tell if it's just the drugs or if he's…" James trailed off, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"He looks too skinny. Could be the coke, but… I know what you mean. It looks as though he's not eating at all, doesn't it?"
"Fucking Sirius," James muttered, shaking his head. "Bloody fucking trainwreck."
"Do you know anything about that girl he's with? Can't get much out of her profile, it's private," Remus noted, rapping his fingers carelessly on the table.
"Evelyn Greengrass, right?" James asked.
Remus nodded. "Yeah. She studied medicine at Cambridge, apparently."
James nodded, brows furrowed in thought. "Yeah, I know her. Thought she looked familiar when we saw them at Marley's, but it didn't hit me until later. Her father's an executive at Barclays, filthy rich. Her mum's on the board of dad's hospital. Her mum asked my dad to speak with her about going into medicine when she was applying to uni… I vaguely remember her coming round a few times over winter holiday when I was a kid. Seemed like a decent bird… mind you, I was maybe ten or eleven when that happened, but still. It's surprising, really, that Sirius is with her."
"How so?"
"She's at least seven or eight years older than us. We were little kids when she was in uni. She's practically a different generation than us," James explained, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Even so… she's bloody brilliant, probably. And she studied medicine. Siri is studying pharmacology. Bet they have loads in common," Remus muttered bitterly.
"Somehow I doubt Sirius is in the right head space to be discussing such matters as medicine and science, Rem," James retorted dryly. "You saw him, too."
"I worry about him" Rem said quietly, shutting his laptop. "It's stupid and pathetic, but I do. Not enough to go crawling back, of course, but… I worry. I don't want to find myself reading his name in the obits while drinking my morning tea."
James nodded, jaw clenched. "At least he's got her looking after him. I must admit it was a relief, knowing he's got someone."
Remus grimaced, involuntarily. "Yeah," he agreed, surprised by the bitterness of his own voice.
"You alright, Rem?" James asked, eyeing him curiously.
"Yeah," Rem affirmed, biting his lower lip as he reached for his tea.
"You gonna try and talk to him, James?"
James shrugged. "Dunno. I feel like it's been too long. We haven't spoken proper in months. It seems like a dick move to even bother to try and reach out. Too little too late and all that."
"Do you think you will?" James asked. "Talk to him, I mean. He seemed pretty keen about speaking with you, Rem."
Remus jerked his head no, frowning. "I have nothing to say to him, James. I don't forgive him for what he did. Whatever we had is over. Probably best to keep my distance."
"Then why are you stalking his and his girl's Facebook, Rem?" James asked pointedly.
Remus sighed, running his hands through his hair. "He's my ex boyfriend, James. He's basically fallen off the face of the Earth, only to appear briefly at a party before disappearing again. Just because I'm curious of his whereabouts doesn't mean I want to talk to him or bloody get back together or anything. I just… I dunno. Forget it, okay?"
James nodded. "Right. It's forgotten, mate."
