Evelyn paced back and forth in her living room, holding her phone to her ear with her shoulder.

"Could you please tell me what the fuck is going on, Rod?" she snapped impatiently. She'd been on the phone with him for nearly fifteen minutes, most of which had been Rodolphus muttering I just… and I don't know what to do and I'm not sure if I'm making a big deal of this, but…

Rodolphus sighed heavily. "Bella hasn't gotten out of bed in nearly a week," he said finally.

Evelyn squeezed her eyes shut. She absently flicked ash from her cigarette onto the floor, before bringing it to her lips and inhaling deeply.

"Evelyn? Are you there?"

"Yeah," she replied, lips pressed thinly together. "Has she been taking her meds?"

"I dunno… how would I even know?"

"Did you check the bottles in the bathroom?" she retorted, rolling her eyes. "Or you know, ask her?"

Silence.

"Rod?"

"She… she won't speak to me," he said quietly.

"What do you mean, she won't speak to you?" Evelyn queried. Again, she brought her cigarette to her lips.

"I've tried talking to her, but she doesn't respond. She just lies in bed, expression blank. Evelyn it's… it's like she's not even there…"

"Fuck," she said softly. "Fuck," she repeated, louder this time.

"Do you think you could maybe come round? I dunno how to handle her when she…" he trailed off.

"Of course you fucking don't," she snapped, angrily stubbing out her cigarette in the ashtray on the coffee table. "God forbid you learn a fucking thing about your fiancee's condition."

"Doesn't exactly seem necessary when she's got her former lover always waiting to step in," he muttered, anger apparent in his voice. "You think I don't know you're still in love with her? That you're desperate to push me out of the picture and play house with her?"

"Fuck. You."

Silence.

"Could you come? Please? I know you hate me, but can you please do it for her? She needs you," Rod said finally, pleadingly.

"Yeah," she sighed. "Yeah, fine."


"Oh for fuck's sake," Evelyn sighed, eyeing Sirius, who was lying face first on the couch. "What's wrong with you, now?"

Sirius muttered something incomprehensible, face still pressed into the pillow.

Evelyn rolled her eyes, throwing her coat and bag onto the nearest armchair.

She stalked across the room to the liquor cabinet, quickly pouring herself a drink. She took a seat in a vacant armchair, staring despondently into her glass.

Sirius lifted his head, turning to make eye contact with her. "I just… I'm so lonely, Evie. And I saw a new picture Remus posted with his stupid boyfriend and it's like… why does he get to be happy and I have nothing and no one?" he whined.

"I don't have time for your bullshit dramatics, Sirius," she snapped, taking a swig of her drink.

"The fuck is your problem?" Sirius retorted, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

Evelyn rolled her eyes. "My problem is that you're sitting here moping about the same fucking thing you've been moping about for weeks, now. Get the fuck over yourself. Frankly, it's exhausting, listening to you bitch about your non-problems."

Sirius stared at her, looking as if he'd been slapped.

"I have real problems, Evelyn," he retorted, pulling himself upright so that he was seated.

"So do something about them, then. Go to fucking therapy, start taking your meds. Do something!"

Sirius stared at her, silent.

Evelyn squeezed her eyes shut, a sob escaping her lips. Mechanically, she put her drink on the table, burying her face in her hands.

"Evie?" Sirius asked, unsure of how to respond to her sudden outburst.

Silence.

"Evie, come on. What's the matter?" he pressed, rising from his seat and taking a step towards her.

"Bella. She's… not well. Again," she said finally, her voice wavering.

"Oh. What's… is she off her meds?" he asked.

Evelyn shrugged, lifting her head to look at Sirius. "Yeah. Probably. Not sure if that's the cause of her current episode or happened as a result of it."

"Is she manic?"

"No," Evelyn replied, shaking her head. "It's a bad depressive episode. Worst I've seen her in a while," she continued, lower lip quivering.

"Oh."

Sirius sighed, returning to the couch. He sat silently, watching Evelyn shakily reach for her drink and take a sip.

"Rod doesn't…" she trailed off, staring down at her glass. "He… he just… he doesn't know what to do when she's like this."

She brought the glass to her lips, taking another sip. "So… it falls on me. Rod can't deal, so it's up to me to put together the pieces, again."

"Why is it your job to take care of her when… you know. When she gets like this?" Sirius asked, genuinely curious.

Evelyn laughed bitterly, shaking her head. "Because Rodolphus doesn't care to get involved with Bella's condition. It's messy and makes him uncomfortable. No, he leaves that part of her to me to handle."

The two sat in silence for a while, save for Evelyn taking the occasional sip of her drink.

"She might have to go back to the clinic, again," she offered, finally.

"I'm sorry you've been forced to take care of me, too," Sirius said quietly, eyes averted to the ground. "I know you've got enough on your plate, taking care of Bella… it's not fair that I've expected you to deal with my shit, as well."

Evelyn sighed, squeezing her eyes shut. "I don't mind, Siri. I care about you. You know that. It's just… she's not well and it's all too much. Something's gotta give. I'm sorry."

"Did I ever tell you why I dropped out from studying medicine?" she asked absently.

Sirius shook his head no. "No, you didn't. Why?" he asked, curious.

"Bella had her first full-blown psychotic episode. She'd had manic episodes before, but nothing compared to this… fuck, you were still just a kid, then. I doubt word got out about what happened."

Sirius stared at her, gray eyes shining bright with interest. "Were you- I mean, I know the two of you…"

She sighed, rising to her feet to refresh her glass. "Yeah. We were sharing a flat in Cambridge while I was studying. Bella had… already dropped out. She'd been studying art history in London, but it didn't pan out. Understandable, I suppose. She wasn't taking medication at that time. Her moods were all over the place."

She stared down at her glass, sighing sadly.

"What exactly happened that was bad enough for you to drop out completely?" Sirius asked.

Evelyn pursed her lips, considering.

The two sat in silence for quite some time, each nursing their drink.

"She tried to kill herself. Very nearly succeeded," she said finally.

Sirius sat silently, waiting for her to continue.

"I um… I'd been gone all day attending seminars. I had an anatomy exam the following day so I'd been in the library revising… I got home later than usual," she continued, her eyes watery.

"How'd she do it?"

"She slit her wrists. Ingested the contents of the medicine cabinet for fair measure."

Sirius gaped, unsure how to respond.

"She… she wanted to die, there was no question about it. I wanted to believe that it had been impulsive, but…" she trailed off, shaking her head.

"I found one of my anatomy texts laying out. She'd done her research, picking out what veins to cut. Christ, she used one of my scalpels."

"What the fuck," Sirius breathed, eyes wide with shock.

"She was hospitalized, obviously. Spent about three months in a clinic… they wanted to make sure her medications were working, given the severity of the episode."

"On that occasion, she was hospitalized in London," she continued, taking a sip of her drink. "It was challenging trying to balance my studies with going down to see her during the allotted visiting hours."

"And…" she trailed off again, sighing heavily.

"And?" Sirius prompted.

"Well. I found it hard to carry on with my studies, knowing that I'd given her the tools to nearly take her life."

"That doesn't even make sense-"

"Does anything involving love ever do?" she interrupted, blinking tears from her eyes.

Sirius rose from his seat, pulling her into an embrace. "Evie… I'm so sorry," he told her, rubbing her back.

Evelyn sniffled, burying her head in his shoulder. "Yeah… me too."


"So are you going to tell me what's on your mind or are you just going to lie there, staring blankly at the ceiling?"

Lily shrugged, eyes focused on the crack across the ceiling of Remus' apartment.

"Lily," Remus said calmly, nudging her slightly. "I made tea. Come have a cuppa."

Lily shrugged, rising to her feet. "Alright," she mumbled, following him into the kitchen.

She immediately collapsed into a chair at the small table, watching with disinterest as Remus poured two mugs for them.

"Here," he said gently, holding one out to her.

"Thanks," she said quietly, immediately bringing the mug to her lips and taking a sip. She breathed a sigh of relief, enjoying the warm sensation.

"So," Remus started, once he was settled opposite her at the table.

"Can't just stop by unannounced to see my best friend?" she joked, forcing a laugh.

"You wouldn't be so quiet and reserved if that were the case, Lils."

Lily frowned. "Fuck, you see right through me, don't you, Rem?"

He shrugged. "Comes with the territory, being best friends and all."

"I have this… thing. Like… Fuck, I don't even know how to verbalize it. I just… you know I have issues, right?" she started, anxiously toying with her hair.

Remus nodded. "Yeah," he affirmed. " I know you have clinical depression."

She nodded, rapping her fingernails on the tabletop. "I um… there's other things that um…"

"Lily… you don't have to tell me anything you don't want-"

"I have to tell someone!" she interrupted, lower lip quivering.

"I..I have to, Rem. It's been building up inside me and I can't bear the burden anymore. I have to tell someone."

Remus nodded silently.

Lily fidgeted in her seat, considering her words. She cleared her throat. "You know I don't speak to my family, right?" she started.

"Yeah," he replied, nodding. "You never really said why…" he trailed off as he saw tears begin to well in her eyes.

The two sat in silence, Lily staring into her tea.

"My da… my. My father. He um. He used to hurt me," she said quietly, breaking the silence.

Remus stared at her, stunned.

"He uh.. y'know, used to hit me. And stuff. Put me in the hospital a few times," she elaborated, pulling at a loose thread on her sleeve.

"So.. I have post-traumatic stress disorder. And I just… I thought you should know. That someone should know that… that's why I am the way I am, sometimes. Especially with…" she looked down, avoiding Remus' gaze. "Especially with certain things. Like… y'know."

"Like with Sirius," Remus said softly, reaching forward and placing his hand over Lily's own.

She nodded, tears beginning to flow.

"Lily… I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

His words made her tears flow faster. She pulled her hand away, burying her face in her hands as her sobbing grew louder.

Remus stood, standing behind her and wrapping his arms around her shoulders. "You're okay, Lils," he said soothingly, squeezing her slightly. "It's alright. You're okay."

Once her tears had died down, Remus let her go, returning to his seat across from her. "Thank you for telling me, Lily."

Lily shrugged. "Sorry you had to deal with all that," she replied, gesturing vaguely. "I'm so sorry."

"There's no need to be sorry. That was really brave of you, sharing that with me. Of course it triggered an emotional response."

She shrugged again. "It's stupid. It's not like it's still happening. I should be over this by now."

"There's no set timeline for healing, Lily," Remus told her, eyeing her sadly. "Just because it's not happening anymore doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt."

"I guess," she replied, doubtfully.

"Listen to me, Lily."

She eyed Remus curiously, surprised by the sudden change in his demeanor.

"If it were me or James or anyone else, you'd be telling us the same exact thing. What makes you think that the rule doesn't apply to you? Other people have the right to heal at their own pace, but you don't?"

"Remus, I-"

"No. I love you to death, Lils, but you need to listen to what I'm saying. You, Lily Evans, are worthy of love and patience and understanding. You have the right to take as long as you need to grieve and process what happened to you. Take a step back, please, and show yourself the same kindness you show others."

"It's not the same," she retorted, rolling her eyes.

"Yes it is," Remus snapped, hazel eyes boring holes into her green ones.

"If it were me, would you be sitting here, telling me that I should be over this by now?" he asked, a single eyebrow raised.

"No, of course not-"

"So why can't you tell yourself that?"

Lily burst into tears, again burying her face in her hands. "Because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything. I know that I'm worthless and that's why I have to shut the fuck up and get over myself because it wasn't even that bad and… and…" she trailed off, a sob escaping her lips.

"I'm sorry, Lily," Remus said soothingly, again rising to his feet to pull her into an embrace. "I didn't mean to upset you… I really didn't. I just… I hate to see you being so hard on yourself. It's not right."

"It's so stupid," she replied, sniffling. "I'm so fucking stupid."

"You're not stupid," Remus said calmly, smoothing down her hair. "You're in pain. And that's okay." He paused. "I mean, it's not okay okay, but you know… you're allowed to be angry and upset and hurt."

"Other people have had it worse… who the fuck am I to carry on in comparison to what could have happened to me?" she quipped, wrapping her arms around herself.

"Lily," Remus said slowly, as if he were talking to a small child, "you don't have to be grateful that it wasn't worse."

She stared silently at him, still hugging herself.

"There is no hierarchy of trauma. There is no ranking system for which traumas are 'better' or 'worse.' Your trauma is valid. Period."

Lily sighed, shrugging her shoulders. "It doesn't feel that way," she mumbled, sounding doubtful.

Remus sighed. "I know. But that doesn't make it any less true."

"I don't want to feel this way forever," she whispered, looking down.

Remus placed a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. "I know, Lils. I know. Someday you won't. I promise."