Walking quickly, he takes her down to where they keep the speeders. He needs to feel the machine under his control and go very, very fast.
"Slow down!" she requests and he realizes his long limbs have forced her to trot next to him.
"Sorry," he mumbles as they round the corner and Rey gasps.
His dad always did make sure to keep their three speeders gleaming.
"Is this the new TL-Y?" she asks with wide eyes, looking at a sleek black hovercraft.
He's always liked that series and he nods as he takes her by the waist, intending to lift her into the vehicle.
"What? Oh!" she squawks as he picks her up and deposits her swiftly into the waiting craft. Rushing, he hurries to the other side and hops in. He needs to get them on the travel lanes, right now.
Firing it up, he pulls out, probably too fast for the tight space of their garage.
His head feels like it's going to explode. Luke had … he'd given up everything for them and he doesn't have a place for that level of sacrifice. Death had never seemed that terrifying when you knew you'd simply be on another plane of existence. But he's gone. Somewhere in the future, Luke has ceased to exist. Forever.
Opening up the engines, he recklessly zips around the other speeders, heading out of the city. He needs to be able to just go. Go as far and as fast as the craft will allow.
"Ben, please talk to me."
"I … I …" But he can't. How can he find words for everything that's inside him? He's father's slackening face intrudes on his thoughts and he shakes his head.
"Just tell me what you're thinking," she pleads.
He careens around a corner and she cries out.
"Sorry," he grumbles, trying to get himself under control.
"Please," she says quietly, placing her hand on his bicep.
"Not yet," he says a bit sharply, finally getting to the through-way. Soon, soon they'll be out of the oppressive confines of the metropolis.
Finally, the towers grow shorter, the lanes less clogged and he's able to really accelerate. Yes, this is what he needs. The wind rushes through his hair and he hopes his mind will stop spinning. If he can just go fast enough, he can leave it all behind.
Luke. His father … gods, somehow, his life had gone so impossibly wrong that he killed his own father!
His relationship with his father has always been awkward, but he knows his dad loves him, always has. How had it become so twisted?
Faster and faster he pushes the speeder, and the buildings fall away as the countryside blooms around them. He glances over at Rey and finds her face tense and wary. Her knuckles are white as she grasps the speeder.
That's when he realizes just how fast he's pushed the TL and he eases back, focusing on his breathing.
It's not happened yet. He's not done these things. He's not hurt Rey.
But then he bleakly realizes that he has, and it all starts to feel inevitable. He can almost feel that evil mask closing in on his face and it's all too much, the craft caging him in.
Veering off into a field, he abruptly stops the speeder and throws his legs over the side. Ben stagers from the vehicle and he starts to pound at his head, grasp at his hair.
"Ben!" he hears dimly, but he can't find his way back to her.
Has he already started down the path of becoming that monster? He'd broken into her mind. Even as she'd cried out in pain, he'd just kept going and that's when he starts to scream.
He screams as loud and as long as he can, his powerlessness bubbling up from his chest. He hurt Rey. Oh gods, is it too late? Will he take the mask? Become some dark shade like Darth Vader?
Then he feels her arms wrap around him and he finally hears her panicked voice.
"-gods, Ben!" she says frantically and he finally stops bellowing out his pain and confusion. "Please, come back to me," she begs.
His chest heaving, he tries, he really tries to do what she's asked, but it's all too much and he rips from her arms. "Don't touch me!" he snarls. "I don't deserve your comfort!"
"No, that's not true!"
His fists clench and he starts to pace wildly. "I become that creature! I already have!" he voices his deepest fear.
"You aren't, you aren't," she wails, her voice thick with tears. That's when he realizes they're both crying.
"I violated your mind!"
"Yes, you did. But you're good, you're good," she says as if she's trying to convince both of them.
"No! I let that bastard Snoke twist me. I was so stupid!"
"You were a little boy when it started, how could you have known?"
"I should have!" he shouts stubbornly.
She shrinks back and his heart goes cold and he stops his frantic movements. He doesn't want to scare her. "I'm sorry!"
"It's alright. This was … a lot," she says, but she's almost cowering from him.
"I murder my father," he moans.
"You won't, it won't happen now."
"What if I can't stop it? What if I'm already tainted?" Tainted by what he did to Rey.
Then she's again trying to hold him, and she feels so good that he can't stop himself from clinging to her.
"I'm a monster, I'm a monster," he sobs.
"No, no, no," she croons, stroking his hair.
But all he can see is that blood-red saber plunging into his father's chest and he tears from her soothing embrace. "I don't deserve to touch you!" he spits.
Then she firmly grabs his face with both hands, forcing him to look into her loving eyes. "Yes, you do."
"But I hurt you. And I'll hurt you again."
"Yes, you did. But you won't hurt me like that, now. I know you won't."
"How?" he asks plaintively.
"Because I know you, Ben Solo."
"I thought you knew Kylo Ren."
"He was your pain. I know you. You never turned completely, you always struggled. We fought, so many times, but you never, ever struck me, always held back your saber. I didn't realize until the last time. You could have killed me, but you didn't."
"But I raised my weapon against you! You … gods, Rey, I can't imagine ever being willing to do that."
"It wasn't like this, not what we're building together. We had our roles to play, but I'm the one who always struck first. Always."
"Really?" he asks, needing to hold on to any lifeline she can provide.
"Really."
The adrenaline is fading, and it makes his limbs shake as it leaves his system. "I … I never want to hurt you," he whispers.
"Then don't."
He makes a mirthless laugh. "I feel like I won't have a choice."
She makes a conflicted face, but then it clears, and she smiles at him. "You always have a choice. Even Darth Vader chose the light, in the end."
He nods. That's true. Luke saw there was light in him and turned him before it was too late. Maybe Rey is right, maybe it truly isn't too late for him.
He lets out a shuddering breath and gives himself permission to hold her. Because Rey is the only thing that makes sense right now. Ben doesn't want to think anymore, he just wants to be. With her.
"What do you need?" she asks as she strokes his face.
"You," he breathes out.
"You have me, you have me."
Then he's kissing her, desperately, clutching her to him as if his life depended on it. Maybe it does.
They sink into the tall grass of the field and he's on top of her, needing her in a way he can't even express. He pushes aside the neck of her tunic, craving more of her, and begins to kiss and lick, bite and suck. She moans in response to his starving attack on her flesh and her legs come around his waist.
Soon, they're moving in that ancient rhythm, pantomiming when he'll soon be in her and she pants as she pushes back against his forceful thrusts.
"I love you," he gasps between kissing her everywhere. He rips open her tunic, pushing aside her breast band, and his hand finds her breast he adores to touch.
Then his back bows and he latches onto that perfect nipple, pulling it into his mouth. Force, it blitzes his brain to finally suck on her succulent point, making his core tighten, almost painfully.
As they move together, he feels his pleasure begin to build, but he'll be damned if he achieves that blissful end while she's left wanting.
"Let me touch you, Rey," he begs, his hand beginning to dive under her waistband. He needs to give her pleasure, take care of her. Prove that his body is meant for more than death.
She nods enthusiastically and he delves his fingers under the thin silk hiding her heat. Slickness greets him and he wants to slow down, but the frantic need is riding him hard. He finds her opening and thrusts a finger inside, not really knowing what else to do.
"Ben!" she cries out and he shifts so that he can see her face, afraid he's hurt her. But he finds only wide eyed eagerness and he begins to move his finger in and out of her.
"Oh!" she gasps out. "Stars, your fingers are so much thicker than mine!" She's tight around him and he has no idea how he'll ever fit inside of her.
"Does it feel good?" he groans out.
"Mmmhmm. But it would feel even better if you moved higher."
Right. He's read about this. That's the center of a woman's pleasure, and he silently thanks all the gods that he's always researched everything he could.
He withdraws his finger from her tight passage and strokes up, trying to find the hard little nub. But he's hopelessly lost with only touch to guide him. Then her hand joins his and she's showing him. There, there it is. It rolls between his fingers and he begins to stroke.
"Circles," she whimpers, and he quickly changes his approach.
"To the left," she says, her voice catching. Grateful she's helping him, he follows her instructions.
"Oh!" she cries out, and her hips begin to move, clearly unconsciously.
She's growing flushed and he's mesmerized by the feel of how hot and wet she is. Her fingers clutch at his shoulders, but then she shifts slightly to her side.
"I want to touch you, too." she husks out.
His cock is straining against his trousers and throbs at her words. He nods swiftly and turns more to his side, giving her access. When her little hand makes its way into his underthings and grasps him, he cries out. Just the feel of her fingers around his length has his eyes rolling back in his head.
Her needful whimper makes him realize he'd grown distracted and had stopped stroking her, so he tries to focus, swirling that delectable bud between his fingers.
She swears magnificently and he smiles. Then she begins to move her hand along him and it's his turn for the filthiest Huttese he knows to tumble from his mouth. Force, it feels amazing, so different from his own hand.
But she's hesitant, and now he's the teacher. "Firmer," he manages between groans. Then everything narrows down the feel of Rey's hand on him. Gods, it feels so good. She feels so good.
Careful not to let his hand falter, they find a mutual cadence, and the shared pleasure makes them both grow spectacularly loud.
He wishes he could suck on her nipples, but he can't quite figure out how to manage it with how much taller he is, so he kisses her. And that completes the circuit, her kiss feeling tethered to his core, and he jolts forward.
He absolutely refuses to come before she does, so he puts all his focus on the feel of her, managing to ignore the bliss she's drawing from him. Yes, that's it. Her back has begun to arch, and her cries of pleasure are growing faster and higher.
Then her eyes go wide and she's chanting his name. Force, yes. He wants her orgasm so bad he can taste it. Gods … tasting her. Just the thought drags him closer to his own edge.
"Ben," she sobs and she keens out, her whole body shuddering. Her hand on him speeds up and, oh stars, that's it.
Hoping she came, his own release erupts from him, her little hand giving him more pleasure than he knew possible. It feels like it's going on forever and he can't focus on stroking her, his hand going still as his hips thrust and he bellows out, "Rey!"
Then he grows too sensitive and he gasps, "Stop."
Her hand immediately ceases its movements and they stare at each other, wide-eyed and a bit stunned.
Trying to catch his breath, he manages to ask, "Did you …?"
"Oh, yeah," she says with a satisfied nod.
He kisses her, deeply, then pulls back. "Force, Rey, that was amazing."
"Uh huh," she says, seeming a little dazed.
"Are you alright?" he asks, the frantic energy fading.
"I'm wonderful," she purrs.
Slowly, they withdraw their hands, both looking a bit sheepish. His release coats her fingers and he just about loses his mind when she licks it curiously. She nods like a little scientist and he has to kiss her again.
He's bitter on her tongue, and he wonders what she would taste like.
Lying on the grass, watching the clouds. He holds Rey close and he's started to feel guilty. He basically mauled her, his lust and pain too much to contain.
"Are you sure that wasn't too much?" he asks, toying with her hair.
"Mmmhmm," she murmurs, and he glances over to find her eyes drooping shut. Interesting. He thought only men fell asleep afterwards. He also feels the pull to sleep, but he's feeling too much to give into it.
He'd found out so much in the past few days, touched Rey in ways he'd never allowed himself to hope for, and it's all a bit overwhelming. Oddly, he feels like crying. But he's also so happy.
She'd assured him it's not too late for him and Rey is in his arms, sated and sleepy.
What more could he want?
A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare. You are the best friend I could ever ask for.
Thank you, Readers! Can't stop, won't stop writing! Thank you all for continuing to fill my tank with kudos and comments! You're all simply amazing. XOXO.
