"Luke would like to speak with you," his mother says with a note of entreaty. "He's waiting in my office."
"I don't want to talk to him," Ben says mulishly, keeping his arm around Rey. What can Luke possibly say?
Leia sighs. "He knows he made so many mistakes. He wants … he wants to apologize."
"Because that would make everything better," he says with derision. Rey looks at him with a disappointed expression, but he can't manage to quell the feeling of being less than what was wanted and more than anyone knew how to handle.
"No … of course not. But … you've let your father and I have another chance. Can't you give your uncle the same grace?"
"You mean the uncle who never treated me like I mattered?"
"Ben … I know you couldn't feel it, but he did try. He says he always took you with him on missions ..."
He makes a face, not wanting to acknowledge the truth of her words. Snoke had suggested it was only because he didn't trust him when he couldn't keep an eye on him. But maybe … maybe that was just another lie to isolate him.
His shoulders slump as he realizes his mother is right, at least partially. So much of how he saw things before he pushed Snoke out of his head had been completely warped by his serpent's tongue. Maybe he should at least hear what Luke has to say for himself.
"Yeah … okay. I'll listen." His mother's face brightens and he hastily adds, "Only listen. No promises."
"That's fine, sweetheart. Your uncle, he's not … he's not a bad man, he just never knew what you needed." Shame fills her face. "None of us did."
This is well trod ground, and while his instinct is to point out that they all could have tried talking to him, it's not as if he ever gave them much of an opportunity to do so.
Letting go of Rey, he goes to his mother and pulls her into his arms. "Mom, it's okay. We're talking now, that's what matters."
"I just didn't know he was so cold with you!" she cries out, her face against his chest. Gods, when did she get so tiny? Even Rey doesn't feel nearly so little. Then again, just about everyone seems small to him.
He takes her by the shoulders and looks into her eyes. "I know. How could you have? I never told you."
"He … I think he took being the last Jedi Master too seriously. Somehow, he lost his joy and became this stoic mystic. Gods, what it must have done to you children."
"I don't think it was so bad for everyone else. They … they had each other."
"But what about Tai? Luke always said you were close."
Ben looks away. "I don't know … I guess we were, but that was all Tai. I never … I never really let him in. Not … not like a true friend."
She reaches up and cups his cheek. He bends forward to make it easier for her, to chase her loving hand. "Maybe it's not too late," she offers.
His gaze slides away and he mumbles, "Yeah … maybe." Tai had always had an odd way of knowing when he needed someone, and he adds him to the list of people he didn't see clearly with his mind not his own.
He trudges back to his mother's office, ice pack in hand. He's not even sure why he took the time to snag it, but he refuses to think about the impulse.
As he walks into the room, he tosses the ice pack to Luke and grunts, "For your face."
Easily, Luke catches it and gingerly places it against his still slightly swollen nose. Clearly, Rey hadn't chosen to heal it fully, or she doesn't know how. But he'd like to think she'd been making a point. He makes a private smile and Luke looks at him speculatively.
"What has you smiling?" he asks neutrally, removing the ice pack and facing Ben fully.
Ben's shields slam down. He doesn't want to share Rey with Luke. To be fair, he never wants to share any bit of her with anyone. "Nothing," he says, his face going blank. He's here to listen, not to talk.
Luke sighs, long and loud. "Ben … I … I …" he stammers.
At that, Ben nearly turns and leaves. He's here, he's waiting. The least his old master could do is string words together. He huffs out an impatient noise and crosses his arms.
Closing his eyes briefly, his face twisting in pain, Luke finally manages, "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Ben asks shortly.
Luke makes a sorrowful face. "For all of it. For not realizing you were being attacked by outside forces, for keeping so much distance between us—"
"You wouldn't even let me call you uncle! Do you know what that did to me? I was 10 years old! I'd just been taken away from everything I'd ever known. I thought I at least had you, but you rejected me!"
"I didn't want you to be different than the other children!" There's a ghost to his expression that makes Ben wonder for a moment, but his hurt is holding the reins.
"I was different. I was family!"
Luke blinks rapidly and there's a long silence. Eventually, he offers, "I see it now. I do … I should have done so many things differently."
This, open, contrite Luke throws Ben for a loop. How can he hold on to his anger with this uncle just rolling over and taking it? Where is the superior Jedi? The stern master?
"It was very difficult to maintain that distance. So many times I wanted to just wrap you up in my arms and soothe away your struggles."
Ben's throat grows tight at his uncle's words. What would that have meant to him? He'd missed his mother's warm embrace so much, felt so lost and alone. He doesn't say anything, too afraid to speak. He'll be damned if he lets on how affected he is.
Again, Luke sighs. "I'm proud of you. I've always been proud of you."
Eyes flying to Luke's, Ben gapes. He was always getting it wrong, how is this even possible?
Luke makes a pained expression. "I should have told you," he says with shame.
A grimace of a smile twists Ben's lips. "It might have helped."
"I thought … I thought you knew."
"How could I? You pushed and pushed. I thought I never got it right … I was stronger than all of them, but still wasn't good enough." His tone is forlorn, years of inadequacy weaving through him.
"I pushed you because you're so strong! I could see what you could be!" Luke declares fervently.
"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I didn't want to be great? That I just wanted to be Ben? Hell, even my name isn't my own!" Ben nearly shouts.
"It is! You … you're your own person …" Luke trails off.
Snorting, Ben says, "Yeah, well it didn't feel like it, not back then."
"What changed?" Luke asks curiously.
Ben looks away. He knows what changed. He heard Rey say his name and he'd felt a glimmer of what it might be like to be whole. Not really wanting to speak of Rey, but knowing he has to, he says. "Rey came into my life."
Luke's face draws into an expression of hope and he says, "The two of you, you're remarkable."
Suddenly, Ben asks, "Could you tell, that I was bonded?"
So easily, Luke slips into the role of teacher. "I knew you were seeking. That you were meant for great things. I see it now, plain as day, that I was sensing her. All that possibility, it was the two of you. I don't know if your mother has told you, but you and Rey are almost blinding in the Force. It's not even light or dark, just purity."
"No, that's just her," he dismisses.
"It's both of you. Now that I know to look, I wonder what else I missed about you."
Swiftly, Ben looks at Luke keenly. "Why were you so sure I'd go to the dark side?"
"I wasn't. Not really. But … I knew about Vader."
"He's your father. Why was there no danger from you, or Mom?"
"Oh, there was. Particularly from Leia. I always wondered why she stopped training. She told me she had a vision, that if she kept training you would die. But I think it was more than that. I think she saw herself fall. She's always been so passionate, and righteously angry. She would have … she would have struggled."
"And you? Do you struggle?"
Luke's eyes grow far away and then his gaze sharpens. "Every day." He lets out a long breath. "And you were so like your mother, so certain, so angry. When you thought you were right, nothing could sway you. That absolutism, it … it worried me."
"Well, you were wrong. Yes, I was tempted by the dark, but without Snoke I think I would have just wanted to know."
"You always did want to find out everything you could. Sometimes I thought you should have been a scientist, or a historian, the way you inhaled old books."
"It just never made sense to me, the dark and the light. You preached balance yet eschewed the dark side. How can you have that balance without both?"
Luke opens and closes his mouth and his eyes become pensive. "I suppose … I suppose I knew the dark stole my father."
"Making it evil. What if it simply … is?"
Luke frowns. "That's a dangerous way to think."
"You dogmatic fool! Thoughts aren't dangerous!"
"This path leads to the dark si—"
"Stop! Just stop. I'm not going to fall to the dark! I can't, not now."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because it would hurt Rey," he says simply.
"What of you?" Luke asks gently.
"I don't matter."
Luke's face returns to a deep frown. "Of course you do."
Ben takes in a shuddering breath, letting it out slowly. "Not when it comes to Rey. There's nothing I won't sacrifice for her. Nothing I won't do to keep her safe."
A concerned expression blooms on Luke's face. "Nothing?"
"Nothing," Ben growls.
Luke nods once and only says, "Hmmm."
Ben has had enough. "Look, I know I won't ever become Kylo Ren. That's just going to have to be enough for you, old man."
"But don't you see, the way you're talking—"
"Is just different! You don't know everything. You dragged me halfway across the galaxy to find old Jedi lore because you needed help."
"I was trying to rebuild—"
"Something that maybe shouldn't have been rebuilt! Maybe the Jedi aren't the answer!"
"Have you … have you always thought this way?" Luke asks with disapproval.
"No. But I have for a long time."
Luke's arms cross and he looks at Ben, his dismay only growing. "Can't you see how precarious that is?"
"Why?" Ben asks. As far as his studies have shown him, this one-sided way of thinking is a huge part of why the Jedi fell in the first place.
Luke blinks. "Because … because it's not the Jedi way."
"And that's bad why?"
"I … I …"
"See? You don't know. You just follow their old teachings blindly. What if they're wrong?" Ben asks, a fierce fire in his belly.
Luke scrubs his face with his hands and looks away. "I don't want to argue," he says, effectively shutting down their disagreement and Ben wants to howl in frustration. But he knows how pointless it is to keep arguing with his uncle when he's like this.
"Fine," Ben spits.
"I only wanted to try to talk, to apologize."
"Well you have. Are we done?"
"Please … Ben. I am sorry. I know I was wrong—"
"Then why can't you be wrong about the Jedi, too?"
"I don't want to talk about it!" Luke bursts out.
"Right," Ben sneers with scorn. "Well this has been great." With that, he turns on his heel and storms out of his mother's office.
He knows Rey and his mother will just try to convince him to understand Luke's perspective, and he's not ready for that. So he slips out the back door and winds through the corridors until he comes out on the landing pad.
The Falcon waits, with his father within and Ben knows what he needs to calm down.
Ben finds his dad deep in the belly of the Falcon, a sure sign he's upset. He's working on the fiddly things now. There's always something to work on, but he's sure primary systems are all in working order after yesterday afternoon. Poe is soldering a broken hinge in the galley and Ben snorts.
"What?" Poe asks, lifting his mask to shield his eyes from the torch.
Ben jerks his head towards his father's feet dangling out from the air processing section of the ship. "Dad's still pissed."
"Yeah … I've been doing preventative maintenance all morning," Poe says with a wry grin.
Tilting his head, Ben says, "Wish me luck!" and he goes over to where his father is grunting and swearing colorfully.
"Need any help?" Ben asks, sticking his head into the access port. His father is twisted in an awkward shape, fighting with a bolt.
"I can't quite reach the processor!" he spits and Ben regards the part. "I'm gonna have to pull this whole thing apart."
"What's wrong with the air?" he asks.
"It makes a strange hissing sound sometimes," Han grumbles and Ben rolls his eyes. His father really is reaching for something to work on.
"Well, let me see if I can help with that," Ben offers as he reaches out his hand. He loosens the bolt with the Force and the compartment pops open.
"Now that's handy. Might need to make you part of my crew." He'd said it nonchalantly, but then Han's eyes go to Ben's and there's a real glimmer of hope in their blue depths.
Nodding, Ben says, "Yeah … that'd be … good."
"Wouldn't pay you much. You'd have to work your way up."
"Would you ever let me fly her?" Ben asks, already knowing the answer.
Sternly, Han responds, "Only if Chewie is visiting his family."
"Will he be back before we go to Kamino?" Ben asks curiously.
"No … thought it would be a Solo thing."
"Luke wants to come," Ben says.
A storm gathers in Han's face and he huffs out a consternated breath. "Don't know about that."
Even though he hadn't really made peace with his uncle, the man does deserve Han to know he'd apologized. "He did … he did say he was sorry."
Han snorts. "He better be. Treating my kid like he's not family." He shakes his head, frowning deeply. "Never woulda trusted him, if I'd known."
"I know Dad, I know," Ben acknowledges, a warm sense of belonging filling his chest. How had he been so wrong about his parents?
His dad sniffs and looks back at the mass of wires now exposed. "Look at that! The reuptake wire is loose. Can you fix that, too?"
Deftly, Ben focuses. Using the Force for small projects is much harder than lifting rocks and he eases the wiring more snuggly around the connection. Once he's done, he smiles proudly and his dad huffs. "Shoulda asked you to help around the ole girl years ago."
Quietly, Ben says, "I wish you had."
Han's eyes go to his and there's real pain reflected between father and son. "Me, too."
A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare! Your kids are seriously the cutest but they're chaos embodied and I'm so amazed you manage to edit my chapters!
Thank you, Readers! I really hope everyone is safe and healthy. I know this is a scary time and I wish I could comfort everyone. But all I can do is keep writing, because fiction at least takes us to somewhere else. Thank you for giving your precious time to my story and please know I love you all, so much.
