Chapter 3–Pit

Warning: language, usage of slurs towards the end

It only took a few days to get a proper response to my forum post. There were several, but most of them were either boring or borderline creepy. I was starting to wonder how many stoners lived in Forks. There were only a couple of people that I talked to who were interesting enough to be noteworthy, one being a mortuary science student named Tammy who seemed pretty cool, but she also did taxidermy and played the cello, and I'd really like to value my sleep the first couple of semesters and it'd be a lot less sleepless with tiny ceramic eyes staring down over me. The stoners mostly seemed okay but it was a nagging fear that I'd get stuck with all of the chores, which I was already stuck with because of Seth.

But there was a girl that stuck out to me, a girl with bleached blonde hair who looked stylish over-saturated photos of herself in yoga pants who was going to school for journalism and looked like she had a very bubbly laugh. She told me all about how her family moved to Forks after her grandmother died so that they could take care of her grandfather. I found myself getting a little bit excited to see her messages. She was so genuinely nice and (I think) she was unironically using side ways emoticons that made me chuckle a bit. It's been over a year since I've had any meaningful conversations with any of my old friends from the Rez. Now, out of the clear blue, some strange girl with stupid little emojis and cartoon gifs was friendly enough to text me. Most of my old friends wanted nothing to do with me when I hit my growth spurt.

I had to pry myself out of bed, away from my phone, and into the shower. Seth was still snoring obnoxiously loud, his overgrown body hanging off the end of the bed. My tattoo was healing much better than I expected. Jacob warned me that if I scratched it, I could actually scratch the ink off and that made me put off getting it for at least two months. But I hadn't scratched it off up to this point, which was a win. I tried to put on something nice, like a pretty tank top with my shorts and maybe some jewelry, but the longer I stared at myself in the mirror, the worst I began to feel about the entire thing. I didn't look like myself at all. I didn't look anything like the girl in my Mom's prom pictures or graduation photos. I tried to fight against changing my attire and opted for ducking my head away from the mirror instead.

Mom was more sluggish that usual the closer it got to me leaving. It was Sunday so Mom has the day off. The smell of coffee and scrambled eggs floated into our room.

"Were you up late?" Mom asked. I shook my head. "You've been sleeping a lot lately. Do you need to start taking something to help you fall asleep?"

I rubbed my hand over my face. "I'm good, Mom, I promise. Do you have any plans for today?" I yawned shakily. She shook her head. The corners of her eyes and the wrinkles around her lips creased. "Since I'm leaving soon, do you... wanna go do something? I was thinking about driving up to Port Angeles."

I searched the pools in her eyes for expression, but she just stared down at her mug of black coffee and shrugged. "You don't have to ask me for permission, Leah, you're twenty-one."

"I was wondering if you wanted to go with me?" I pressed.

"If you want to go with someone, why don't you take one of your friends? Have you tried calling up some of your old girlfriends from school? What about Karen—"

"Mom, I want to go with you." I cut her short.

The prospect seemed to shock her, but her shocked expression betrayed a lack of enthusiasm. "Oh. Me? Are you sure?"

"Yeah." I protested. "Come on, we can have a uh... you know, a girl's day, if you want."

She thoughtfully drummed her fingers against her mug. Going out would mean her getting dressed up, brushing out her thick wavy hair, maybe even putting on makeup. It probably sounded exhausting. "Honey, I don't know... what about Karen? Have you talked to her lately?"

Karen. Karen Spiel was my only girl friend so to speak in Forks. We grew up next to each other on the reservation together and went to school together from first through twelfth grade until she moved to Forks to go to school. I think she's engaged already. I shook my head. "Mom, I want you to go with me. We can just... hang out. Go get coffee?" Her mouth opened skeptically. "We can go clothes shopping?"

That was it. That was the ticket. Since dad's death, since my second puberty so to speak, Mom's been begging me to buy new clothes. I stopped wearing all of that when I started phasing and it was easier to rip through clothes on top of the fact that I was burning hot in anything I wear. I stopped wearing jewelry and makeup and was living in cargo shorts and t-shirts and I was probably the last straw away from turning my short bob into a buzz cut at this point, except for the fact that my hair was practically the only thing I liked. If I could have anything back, I just wish I had my slender frame. I wish I had my shorter heigh back, my hips, my breasts, the overall softness of my body. Clothes shopping is a nightmare. The last time I actually tried on outfits in the store I broke down in tears. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't make my mom happy.

"Okay." Mom said simply. "I'll need to wash my hair."

"Cool." I said, a knot growing in my throat.

Mom nodded. "What about Seth?"

"Nah, just us."

"Just us." She repeated. "Okay. Shower. Shopping. Lunch."

Port Angeles was less than an hour and a half away from La Push. Mom didn't really want to talk while we drove so I just let the radio play to keep out the awkward silence. Mom wanted to walk around the boardwalk for a while, but we still didn't carry much of a conversation. It wasn't exactly raining today, but the sky was murky and the air was humid with rain dropletsWe went and ate at a little mom-and-pop sandwich shop and we spent far too long in a bookstore where mom was looking at the nonfiction section. We walked by a very modern looking boutique and Mom made us go in. It hadn't been here the last time we came to Port Angeles.

"What do want to start with?" Mom asked. She was fixated on a baby blue button up shirt. "I know you don't like dresses, but do you want to try one?"

"Maybe we could look for some slacks or something." I persuaded. Mom wasn't pleased, but she nodded. I had to actually go and find some dress pants to pretend like I cared enough to be here. Mom was walking too slow for me. I picked up a two pairs of dress pants and ducked into a dressing room.

I thought I knew what size I was.

I had put on a pair of black pants. I didn't used to be double digits. I've never really been insecure about what size was on the tag or whatever because I knew that places had different sizes and I knew about vanity sizing and all that, but it was like my body was changing and morphing without me even having the chance to keep up. Were my legs getting bigger? Was I gaining more muscle? I've not been phasing lately. They were too tight around my legs and I couldn't get them buckled or zipped no matter how hard I tried. My fingers were shaking. I started taking slow deep breaths, but I felt myself becoming emotion. No. I wasn't going to cry here. Not right now. Not when there were people around.

"Leah honey? Are you okay?"

"They um... They don't fit me!" I said back, trying to not sound like I was choking. "I need to go up a size or two."

"Okay, give me a second."

I couldn't stop staring at my body in the mirror, turning in different ways to see different angles.

There was a ringing coming from my phone sitting on my shorts. I tried to compose myself as I picked up. "Karen?" My voice cracked.

"Leah?" A girl's voice met me on the other end.

"Yeah, it's me, what's up?" I cupped my hand over my mouth, turning my back against the mirror. "I'm... out shopping with my mom in Port Angeles right now."

Karen groaned. "You bitch! You should've at least invited me."

I sighed. I rubbed my hand over my face. "Karen, it's not that big of a deal-"

"Come on, babe, tell me you're at least getting something cute." She cooed. I always thought it was a little weird when she called me babe, but it was a catchphrase she picked up from a tv show she used to make me watch our freshman year of high school. It's just her thing now.

"Nope. Sorry. Just looking at some slacks." I remarked, shifting to look at myself in the mirror.

"Oh come on, Lee Lee, you know you'd look killer in a mini dress. All the guys wouldn't be able to stop staring at your legs." She persuaded. I twisted to look at my backside. Yeah, because I look like I do competitive weightlifting on the weekends. "Speaking of dudes and your legs in a mini dress, I'm calling 'cause I heard you're starting college in Forks!" She squealed.

I winced. "And this has to do with-"

"Cause we're having a party tonight and you're going to come."

"Excuse me, I'm doing what?" I demanded.

"You're coming to a house party tonight with me."

"I'm sorry, is this code for you want me to be your designated driver?"

"No, I want you to come do shots with me because we're going to school together again." Karen scoffed.

"So who's the designated driver?"

"Oh my god you are so boring!"

"Leah, honey?" Mom knocked on the door of the dressing room.

I held my cellphone to my chest. "Sorry mom, Karen called me, give me one sec!"

"Oh! Tell her I said hi!" Mom chimed. "What does she want?"

"It's-it's nothing!" I called. "No. No parties." The door opened and I panicked, looking over my shoulder at my mother.

"You never do anything fun." Karen scolded me.

"A party?" My mom asked. She had several pairs of pants draped over her arm.

I covered my phone again. "It's a house party. Drinking and all that. I don't think I'm going."

"You're twenty-one." Mom replied.

"Yeah, you're twenty-one." Karen cut in.

"Shut up." I grumbled into the mouth of the phone.

"It sounds like fun, Leah." Mom smiled warily.

"Mom!" I whined. "Alcohol! Don't enable this!"

"Oh please, it's not like it's a problem for you." Mom said sarcastically, hanging the pants on the wall. "You should go."

"So are you buying a party dress there, or do I need to kidnap you and have you come to my place?" Karen purred.

I was suddenly beginning to panic. I wasn't going to be able to get out of this. I was going to have to wear makeup and a dress and possibly even heels, knowing Karen, and the first impression my new classmates were going to get was me, looking like a linebacker in a mini skirt. What if someone important saw me? What if people made fun of me? "Karen, I... I don't know, I-"

"You used to love coming to parties with me!" Karen defended. "What happened to that?" Yeah, before I started phasing. Back when I was normal and human and I had a normal human body and I got to worry about all the same things you worry about.

"Long story, Karen." I swallowed the knot in my throat. "Okay. Fine. Whatever. Where do you want to meet up?"

"My apartment. You can get dressed and everything over here. Maybe around five? I'll text you the address, just come around the back, okay, babe?"

"Yeah. Whatever." I closed my eyes and the phone-call went dead.

"Those pants look good on you." My mom said. "Maybe a size up so you can button them."

I shook my head, watching myself in the mirror. "I'm putting them back. It's fine, I don't have to get anything-"

"Why don't you like them?" Mom looked at me accusatory.

"I... I dunno, my legs just look... stumpy."

"Stumpy." Mom repeated. "I don't get it. Why do you always do this? Whenever you look good in something, you always find something wrong with it and you trash it."

"That's not my fault!" I said, gesturing towards my legs. "I didn't ask for this!"

"Your legs don't look stumpy, Leah." Mom scoffed.

"Why is it that you don't talk to me anymore, Mom? Why is it that whenever we talk it's like you don't even want to listen to me." I demanded. "I just want to see you more. I want to spend more time with you and you're just blowing off my feelings? What? Mom, are you even listening to me?"

Mom's eyes had kind of glazed over again. "I'm just trying to tell you that you don't look bad. You should get them." She walked out the dressing room door. "I'm sorry that you feel that way, Leah."

"Mom, I'm sorry-" I tried to control the mess I had just made, but she was already going dark again. And now she probably wasn't going to talk to me until I left for college. But it didn't matter how catatonic she became. She was never going to bother to listen to me.

Karen Spiel was half Quilute on her mom's side, and half German on her father's. She had her mom's black hair and olive coloured skin, but she also had her father's bright blue eyes. She had two little brothers that looked just like her. She had a choppy fringe with streaks of red in the front and she still thinks low rise jeans are a thing. She greeted me at the door of her dingy apartment with a cigarette in her hand as she tried to light it.

"Hey, babes." Karen smiled. She leaned over and pecked me on the cheek. Her eyes checked me up and down. "Damn, are you taller now?"

"Maybe." I shrugged.

She ushered me inside. "I think I've got something you can wear. If not I'll ask Allison or Jamie for something." The apartment had several rooms, so I assumed she was talking about one of her roommates. Loud music was playing from somewhere. Karen turned her head and let out a puff of smoke from her mouth. That's when the smell clicked with me. "You smoke?"

"No thanks." I said, shoving my hands in my pockets. "Pot doesn't really do it for me."

Karen tossed her head back with laughter. "Girl, I'm trying to get white girl wasted tonight!"

"I guess I'll be driving my truck then. Gotta make sure I get you home safe." I chuckled.

"Who said you're taking me home?" She teased. "Do you know what size you are?"

"Thought I did." I mumbled. She was already taking me back to her bedroom. The dresser was shaking and I could deduce that the music was coming from next door.

"Did you buy anything good in Port Angeles?" She asked, throwing open her closet door.

"No." I shrugged.

Karen dramatically groaned. "Fine! I'll find something for you to wear."

She found a stretchy black dress that conformed to my body. God, why was I build like a door? I wasn't a huge fan of the makeup she chose for me, too much blush, too much eyeliner and mascara. I looked kind of like a raccoon. My straight black hair only fell down just past my chin, but Karen worked tediously to curl it. I begged her not to tease it and make it big like she did with her own. The house where the party was held was too loud, too hot, too crowded. I spent the majority of my evening clinging to a plastic cup with god-knows-what that smelled like it had a pure alcohol concentration (vodka, probably). No one here looked even a bit familiar to me. I didn't recognize any of the music either. I turned to go to the bathroom at some point and I fought my way down the hallway, but by the time I came back, Karen and the guy she was with were completely gone. Where was Karen? Why did she leave me here? My ears were throbbing from the loud music. The alcohol wasn't enough to make me feel tipsy, but I felt like I was starting to have a panic attack. My heart was racing. Too many people were packed into such a small room, too many arms and hands were too close to me. I needed to get out of here. I had to fight around people to finally get out the front door, still clutching my purse awkwardly to my chest.

"Babe? Babe, I can't hear you! You said you were supposed to be here! Where the fuck are you right now?" A man's voice shouted behind me. I felt a hard, heavy weight knocked me in the back.

"Hey!" I shouted instinctively, my head spinning around. There was a greasy looking guy with a bright red face and a neon beanie holding a smartphone to his ear. His face was scabbed and pimply and he had a weird blonde goatee. My blood felt like it was beginning to boil the longer I looked at him. My thoughts were already swirling with new creative swears, priming to yell at him. I didn't notice how hard my fingers were quaking, visibly, and I needed to calm down before I accidentally killed him. I took several deep breaths and while they weren't rapid, they were enough to calm the spiders beneath my skin. "Don't touch me." I warned him.

His beady eyes glared into me. "Move it, tranny." His free hand punched my shoulder causing me to stumble on the pavement more out of astonishment than the actual impact. His attention turned back to his phone as if he had completely forgotten me. This was it. This was the nightmare I was so afraid of, coming true right before my own eyes. "Where are you? Why was your phone off? You're supposed to let me know where you are!"

I could hear the other voice furiously chattering back through the phone. I only had to take a step forward to block his path again. "Excuse me?"

His fingers gripped tightly around his phone. "Move it, faggot." I don't know what happened. I swear, it was like my sight completely went red. The spiders were still shaking under my skin, but it was like I could make them stop for a moment. My fist clenched automatically and I swung. I felt like I was coming back around to a loud yelp to see the scrawny guy reeling back in pain, his hands holding tightly to his face. The cell phone went knocking into the ground. My knuckles were numb and stinging. "What the fuck! What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking bitch! What the fuck-"

His nose looked like a bright red pulp. "What was that? What did you call me?" I demanded.

His eyes stared up at me. "No fucking way... no fucking way, dude." His voice cracked and it sounded almost like a laugh. He coughed, sputtering blood onto my shirt. "No way this fucking tranny thinks it can fuck with me."

"Really, because it kind of looks like I did." I growled. The muscles in my biceps were literally contracting painfully. I needed to get as far away from here as possible as fast as possible, but at the same time, I wanted to punch him again. I couldn't even pinpoint the epicenter of my feelings. It felt like a big hot balloon of steam was pushing my ribcage apart. "Do I need to do it again, asshole?"

"You-" He coughed. The guy bent over, hacking spit and blood onto the sidewalk. "You think you're tough shit, but you're just... ahem... you're-"

"What? I'm what?" I taunted. My voice rang in my ears. I was yelling now. It was a voice I didn't think I could conjure up and it terrified me to hear how intimidating I was.

The guy took a step towards me. He spit a wad of spit and blood on my chest. "I've seen hotter shemales in porn!" He whipped his hand away from his nose. It was already swollen, streaming with blood. "At least they look like girls? What are you supposed to look like? Some kind of ape?" I could've jumped on him and broken his neck. I could've choked him out. I could've clawed his eyes out before I even phased. I could've shredded his entire body until he was just bone. I could've mutilated his to less than roadkill.

"Le-Leah? Oh my god, what is going on?" A worried voice shouted over the deafening boom of the house. The door slammed. Karen came stumbling down the front steps, a red cup still in her hand. Her hair was frizzy and falling out of its elaborate updo, her ankles twisting haphazardly in her heels. The guy and i both stopped to stared at her as she slowed down, unbuckling her shoes. She let out a quiet burp. "What... What's happening... Leah? Dude, are you... are you bleeding?"

"Hi, Karen." I sighed. I felt the hot bubble in my chest disperse out into a puff of steam. I couldn't be mad at Karen. Her drunk wobbling was so funny, so innocent. She was just a drunk mortal at some party she'll only remember as a blurry mix of vodka and music and kissing. She'll grow old one day and fall in love over and over and over until she gets married and has kids and she'll be just like every other normal happy human.

"Oh my god," Karen burped again. "Do you need a hospital?"

"He can take himself if he needs to." I grumbled. "Come on, Karen."

"Babe, wait, no, shhh-" She slurred, looking over the guy's nose. She hazily stuck her hand out to touch his face. "What the fuck did you do to deserve that?"

"Piss off, you drunk skank." His voice rumbled.

"Really? Excuse me?" Karen rolled her eyes, drunkenly waving her arm in his direction like she was going to hit him, but she was too weak and missed. The weird guy stormed off into the house, glancing over his shoulder once to look at me, flipping the bird before disappearing back into the party. "Oh I see! Wha'd you say to me you-" Karen forgot what she was saying as she was saying it and her anger dissipated. She turned to me. Her eyes were smeared from where she had rubbed them. "Hey Lee Lee?"

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Can we get pizza on the way home or something...or just like... hmmm, breadsticks, yeah." Karen took a deep breath. "Your hand's... bleeding?"

"Nah, not mine." I told her. Normal human face bones were no match for my superhuman hand bones. If it had as much as opened the skin, my hand was already healed, just covered in his blood.

"Mmm." Karen nodded. "Shit babe, I'm fucking... plastered. What's it that British people say? Knockered? Knackered!" She giggled at her stupid fake accent, mumbling something to herself.

"I dunno."

"Well I'm glad you punched that dude, 'specially since he called me uh... a skank. I'm not a skank, am I?" Karen rambled.

I laughed and shook my head. "No, you're not a skank."

She stumbled, grabbing ahold of my arm, smiling. "Thanks, babe."