Chapter Six—Out

Warning: mild sexual references, swearing

You really have to be a special kind of person to live in Forks. After a while, the never ending rain seems to energize you and you ignore it like you would anything else.

I am not one of those people. I've been staring at the same three errors in my code that's due at eleven tomorrow morning for over an hour now and I can't think straight.

I've been sitting on my bed with only my lamp on just listening as the rain pounds on the rooftop. The problem is, I can't figure out why this is happening. Part of me, and I'm sure this is the part of me that's nothing but a selfish misogynist, that can't stop thinking about the fact that on the other side of my wall, Clara let her boyfriend spend the night. I tried not to listen. She even gave me several hours notice and apologized for the noise. Look, I've never met the guy. I'm sure he's nice or whatever. I want to be happy for her, but it's like... it's like it's physically painful. Jesus, I am not entitled to these feelings. I'm. Not. Entitled. To. Her. Clara is entitled to her own life, and her own business, and her own happiness. I need to just shut up and not insert myself here. She clearly doesn't need me, so why do I feel the need to insert myself into her life? Why do I feel like I'm authorized to know everything about her? That's not how this fucking works. I don't get to imprint and suddenly own her as a person. So why am I feeling... jealous, that I'm not getting her attention.

It's just the rain now. I feel... embarrassed. Hurt? Jealous. Saddened. Annoyed. Disappointed? Yeah, in myself.

I think I've been staring at this online thesaurus for at least twenty minutes just trying to figure out my feelings. I heard that's what you do in therapy.

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I just finished the melatonin gummies in my jar and I should probably have to be hospitalized if I tried to open another package, but I still don't feel anything. I didn't have much left anyways. My bank account is starting to severely suffer from this whole imprinting thing.

Surely no one else was phasing right now.

Surely they were all snuggled up to their imprintees by now (except Brady, poor kid). I didn't want to be seen by Clara or the boy, so I decided to climb out on our shared balcony and try and land in the bushes. I kind of ate shit on the pavement, but it hurt more than it messed me up. I had to find out the hard way that we have motion sensor activated lights in the parking lot and um... well, let's just say, I hope I didn't flash any of the neighbors. I tossed my pajamas on the ground beside me so I would pick them back up. It hurt a bit, I won't lie, and not just because I landed face-first onto asphalt five minutes ago. I scarcely had decent control over my phasing at this point and I've had too many scares lately, but as I was standing there naked, I couldn't bring it out. I closed my eyes, letting the rain dampen my hair and fall over my shoulders. But of all the times, now was not the time to ground myself.

When it finally hit me, it was like an explosion all at once. I fell onto all fours, my hands and knees digging into the sticks and pine needles that littered the ground. It didn't feel like there were spiders under my skin; it felt like I was being eaten alive by tarantulas. God, it hurt worse than the first time I phased, and even with the boys hadn't been there, I thought I was going to die. An unfamiliar noise escaped my mouth as I buried my head, trying to escape this pain. My joints were so stiff and it felt like I had to break my bones to get myself into wolf form. My voice became a frantic snarl and my neck began twitching against my control. I felt like my neck might even snap. My whole body was on fire with heat and sweat. I couldn't hold back from screaming. My screaming quickly faded to the snarl of a wolf and my snarls became loud, fierce growls. I let out a howl before I started funning.

My skin felt like it was swollen and still on fire. My legs were long and awkward for a few seconds, but I'm fast at picking up. I started running with no goal in mind, just weaving between trees and dodging branches. I'm definitely going to need a haircut if this is going to become a thing I start doing. I forgot how much I love running, how the water just flies off of me and the wind deafens my ears. I heard nothing. Everyone must be asleep by now. The only voice I was left with was my own voice, panting frantically, rhythmically as my heavy feet hit the ground. Faster, faster, faster... my head was spinning. I could be running in circles for all I knew. One wrong move, and I would run headlong into a tree. That would definitely leave me with a few broken vertebrae. Every time my feet touched off from the dirt, I felt like I was flying. I felt like I was always one hard kick away from soaring through the trees and away from the planet. Tears were clouding my vision, but I didn't crash. It felt like my body knew how to lead me by instinct rather than ability.

The sun was starting to come up. I could barely tell with how dense the trees were but it wasn't as dark as before and the rain was lightening to a stop. I don't know how far I had made it, but things felt... weird. Familiar. The smell of wolf was beginning to overpower my nostrils. My feet didn't want to slow down. With my entire weight, I forced myself to skid to a complete stop.

"Leah?"

"Goddamnit!" My body slammed full force into a tree. I made it all the way to LaPush? I howled with pain and something cracked. My body managed to cower down, the pain washing over me. It wasn't long before my ribs realigned themselves, the bruises already fading. I hacked and coughed, my pajamas falling to the forest floor, trying to regain my composure but at the same time, I let the pain wash over me and engulf my mind. Don't think. Don't think. Don't think. Don't think.

"Jesus, can you stop screaming for a second?"

Sam, as hateful as ever.

The pain was gone, but I tried to maintain the emotion. Pure, blinding anguish, just long enough that I could phase back. But I couldn't phase back. Goddamnit, why can't I phase back?!

"Leah, I want to talk to you." The black figure emerged from the trees. I bared my teeth at him.

"Back it up, Alpha-boy." I growled. Why am I not phasing back?

"We need to talk about the girl." His voice snarled.

Girl. Girl... My girl. Pictures, flashes, appeared in front of my eyes. He knew. Goddamnit, he knew everything. I let out a hiss at him. His eyes were completely black and staring right into me. I was completely backed into a tree. We were circling, never breaking eye contact.

"Leah-"

"Don't." I growled.

"You didn't tell me."

"Oh I'm sorry, am I supposed to run it by you every time I talk to someone?"

"I'm your Alpha, Leah."

"You're the fucking Beta, first off." His teeth bared, he snapped towards my neck. "I would've told you if I wanted you to know."

"I have the right to know." He announced. "You run this by me."

"I don't have to run shit by you." I told him.

"What? Did you think you could hide this from me forever?" Sam snarled.

"Well I was going to tell you. What? Are you happy? Does it make you feel better knowing you made me crash just so you could yell at me over this?"

His mouth closed and I could see his teeth grit behind his lip, the muscles in his neck flexing. "Why were you hiding this from me?"

"I don't have to answer to you." I replied. Honestly, I was so blind with rage, I had no thoughts left to hide. "Maybe because I thought you would throw me into a tree and break my ribs!"

He took a deep breath. I could see pictures swimming around his mind, a mix of hazy memories and imaginative scenarios. It was us, back when we were dating, before Emily came into our lives. I could see a blurred image that roughly resembled Clara's face.

"Get her the fuck out of your head!" I snarled viciously at him, but he seemed rather unfazed at me. "SHUT UP! You stay away from her!" I guess deep down I knew he had little control, but the images... I felt violated. I felt like she had been violated by his imagination.

"What?" His voice was grossly calm. "Come on, you used to complain about me and Emily. I can't help it." Maybe he was earnest but it felt like a taunt.

"LOOK, I get it, but it's different." I snapped. It was like the more I told him to stop, the more he saw. "Stop it. Stop it. I said stay away from her!"

"I can't help it!" No way. No way he wasn't trying to incite a fight. I jumped at him, my teeth sinking into his shoulder. He was bigger than me, twisting around and grabbing me by the scruff. His teeth cut into my skin and he knocked me into the dirt, his heavy paw pinning me down. "How? How is it different?"

I thrashed my head, spitting saliva on his muzzle. I let out a loud yelp. "You never treated me like your equal."

"You aren't my equal." He told me. "You were never meant to be equal."

"Is that why you're upset?" I spat. "I found someone that respects me as a human being and doesn't see me as a burden? An outsider? I found someone that, as far as you or I am concerned, treats me with basic human decency and respect?"

He was deadly silent. He shifted his body, holding a firm grip on my chest. "I'll respect you when you give it back to me."

"Get off of me." I demanded. "Don't you ever touch me again, do I make myself clear?" Sam's black eyes stared right into me like he was trying to use mind tricks or telepathy to control me. "I SAID, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"

"As loud as day." He backed away from me.

"And leave Clara alone and out of this."

"You know I can't hurt her even if I wanted to."

"You know what I meant."

Our thoughts clashed. He was jealous of me. Why? He's got his own wife, a baby on the way. He's spent years acting like he wouldn't care if I got mowed over by a semi on the highway. He's got all the power he wants over his boys on the Rez. Why me? Why was he taking all of this out on me all of a sudden?

"You know why." Sam gnashed his teeth. "Just because I'm in love with Emily doesn't mean I didn't love you any less. Don't you know how hard it was for me to lose you after I imprinted?"

"OH BOO FUCKING HOO!" I barked. "I've been in your head for over two years now, you acted like you deserved an award for being a martyr because you 'let' me into the pack against your will! You never accepted me for who I was! You never gave me any kind of dignity! You painted me up to be some kind of lousy ex-girlfriend whose whole world revolved around you!"

"MAYBE if you didn't ACT LIKE IT! Where's my respect? As your Alpha, as a mentor, I looked after you Leah and you had nothing but spite and biterness! DOn't forget who helped you through your first phase, who helped you through your father's death!"

"YOUR respect? You saw me as less capable than you because of my sex!"

"I never saw you as lesser because of your sex, I saw you as lesser because of your weaker capabilities!"

"You never wanted me around! You chalked me up as lesser than Seth and I'm almost twice his size as a wolf! You never told the others to accept me! You never treated me the same, you never had the same comradery with me, you expected twice of what Paul or Emry or Quil could do, and you talked bad to my face! Do you not realize that you've treated me like a child all this time?"

"You ACT like one, Leah."

"You never made an effort to invite me and make me feel like I was apart of your life, apart of your pack, Beta!"

Sam huffed. "Maybe if you had any amount of maturity... look, maybe you're right. Maybe it's because you're a female that you make such a bad wolf. Maybe you're just a freak of nature, huh? Maybe it's good you left and maybe you should've stayed away!"

"Well maybe I hope your wife gives you a precious little boy so maybe you can 'strengthen the Quilute bloodline'!"

"Fine, I guess since you won't!" He took a step away from me. "So that's it then. You're a lesbian now, Leah." His tone was accusatory.

"Hey!" I barked. "Back off."

"But that's what you are. You imprinted on a girl."

"Yeah and Jacob imprinted on a baby, so what, you gonna step up and call him a pedophile like he is?" Sam didn't respond. "Yeah, uh huh, that's what I thought."

"Jacob and Nessie don't have sex."

"Neither do I! You ever thought about that?" Wow! That was... suddenly more self-deprecating than I was aiming for.

"Look, all I was saying is that... you just don't care, do you? I thought... you know, even with Emily, there was... something. You guys aren't even in the same stratosphere, and it could never be anything like what I've got with Emily, but... I always cared about you and you know that. I don't know what it was. You know you can't just stop loving someone completely overnight. It was like... a vacuum with Emily, but with you if was like... you know, I used to actually like being around you."

"Yeah, what happened to that?"

"I'm just saying that I used to love you, Leah. Sure, it might've been damaged beyond repair when I imprinted, but I knew I loved you and now you're just a lesbian? Like everything we had is gone?"

"Trust me, it's not gone because I like girls now, you did that to yourself." I let out a long sigh. "Look, I don't know. I'm trying to figure this out, okay? I'm sure this was easy as can be for you, but I've got a lot going on and I never wanted this in the first place. I just... I need to figure out what I want and what I'm feeling before I get other people involved."

"I just want to know that you loved me. Now, or once upon a time or whatever. I want to know that I actually mattered to you." I didn't respond. "Look, I'm sorry for going off on you, I just... I guess I just wanted to know if you were honest with me."

"And you wanted me to hurt in case I was lying to you." I finished his sentence. "Why are you always the one that makes things hard? Just take Emily and go. Leave me alone."

"I just wanted to know if you had feelings, why is that such a hard question for you?" Sam pestered.

"Look, I want you to go away because I'm tired of putting up with your shit and I'm going to put my clothes back on now."

I don't really know what I came away from that conversation with. Sam was... he's always been like this around me. When Emily's around, it's like the sun revolves around her and she could do no wrong. With me, at least since he started phasing, it's like everything I do is wrong and with the sole purpose of antagonizing him. Any pain I ever felt towards him was viewed as angry spite, like I spent every waking moment looking for an excuse to spit in his face. Look, I won't say that I don't want to from time to time, but he never gave me a chance to properly grieve. He practically dumped me on the side of the road, started dating my cousin, hung around a bunch of sketchy guys, and then immediately turned around and expected me to obey his every whim whenever he wanted, no matter where I stood on the matter. He lost my respect a long time ago, and maybe I still felt love towards him, but if anything, imprinting felt like I was finally taking off my rose colored glasses. I put up with him because I felt sorry for him for losing control over his life to become a wolf and I was letting him excuse himself with that. Sam might've felt at his worse when he tore up Emily's face, but I really wonder sometimes if he pretends to pardon his actions by framing the wolf.

I was tying the strings on my pajamas when he came around the tree. He was just in a pair of cargo shorts. I felt my face flush and I turned my head away. "I don't want to talk to you right now." I stated.

"I was gonna invite you to breakfast with the boys." Sam offered. Oh my god, it's like the wolf is his bipolar alter-ego. It was always harder to talk to, or fight with, his human face. His voice was softer and kinder and I could almost forget that he literally just attacked me.

"Is Seth there?"

He scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah. Why?"

"I'll go say hi." I agreed.

I love Emily's flowers on her porch. When I get the chance, I want to put flower on Clara and mine's porch. When I got there, the house was busy with boys. Something told me there was a lot of late night partying. Emily was scrambling enough eggs to feed a small tribe. Seth had a... panic-stricken half-smile on his face. He seemed to be making something but I didn't know what. Quil was blocking my view of what he was doing.

"Seth, what is that?" I said suspiciously.

"Uh, nothing!" He said quickly. There was someone's laptop sitting on the counter, probably Emily's, that he kept referring to before returning to the thing he was doing on the counter top.

"Move." I urged Quil. There were multiple little bowls filled with different color frostings and in Seth's hand, a spoon he was using to draw on top of the long homemade cake on the counter. It was covered in white frosting but Seth was sloppily decorating it with different pastel colors. "What the fuck is that?"

He grimaced. "Surprise! It's... It's a rainbow!" Seth said, defeated. "Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. I think I kind of, you know, owe you one here." There were little candy letters that I couldn't quite read.

"'Sorry for outing you to the pack, I hope you can for-gay-ve me' SETH!" I shouted. Emily jumped. "You TOLD THEM?"

He cowered behind Quil. "Okay, look, it was an accident, I swear-"

"An ACCIDENT?!" I shouted.

Firm hands grabbed either side of my shoulders. "Leah, honey," It was Emily, pressing her cool cheek against mine. I felt the anger bubbling up in me like a volcano about to explode at Seth. "We're so happy for you! You finally imprinted!"

"I. Didn't. Get. A say. In. This." I clenched my jaw. No accidents around Emily and the baby. "I'm not happy, Emily!"

She looked confused and as she opened her mouth to say something, Paul approached, clasping me hard on the shoulder. "Hell yeah, Leah! She knows what's up, isn't that right?" He jabbed me hard in the gut and I retaliated by shoving him across the kitchen.

"Why are you so angry?" Emily asked innocently. "I mean, come on, this has got to be the best thing ever for you, you've finally got this figured out. You've got somebody now, this is good news!"

"Just leave me alone, all of you." I pushed my way past them. I heard snide offensive remarks as I walked outside, but made myself ignore them as I made my way to the beach.

I had to hike barefoot for a little under a mile to get to the actual beach part. It was so calm just listening to the ocean. The sand was still damp from the rain and it felt good between my toes. The seagulls were busy nesting this morning. The sea was a dark blue, almost black color, except for the bright white foam that skimmed the surface. The sky was turning purple with fluffy pink clouds as the sun came up. I sunk myself into the sand and wrapped my arms around my middle. I dunno, maybe I'm being sappy. I don't know what it all means or what I'm feeling, but I wish Clara was here with me.