Chapter Nine—Questions

Warning: Language

I woke up in Clara's bed this morning. Not in a weird way. After the party, she was so drunk she asked me to crash there with her because she didn't want to be alone. When we got home, we ordered takeout and sat in the living room floor for a really long time just talking. I tried to be inconspicuous about my own drinking—enough that I could feel a light buzz, but careful so I didn't look like some kind of raging alcoholic. We talked about Tyler, but we just... danced around it and forgot about it. Clara talked about how tired she was of school and all about her life in California and she eventually went down a rabbit hole sharing some of her favorite conspiracy theories with me. She was ridiculously drunk. She got sick after dinner and she asked me to hang around for a little bit. I went and laid down with her and she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. I fell asleep staring at her face, my body reluctantly snuggled up to her body. Her skin was like silk and there was something so perfect about having another person to keep you warm. I never wanted to wake up.

But I had to, and I had to get out of there before she woke up, even if things weren't the way they looked. It would be weird and awkward and I just can't be having those sort of conversations right now. I had felt pretty much in complete control of myself all night. I never pushed too far. Never said too much. My head was pounding though. I hadn't had headaches like this since I imprinted. I tried to take some Tylenol before I left but it wasn't enough to do anything.

I banged my fist against Billy Black's porch door. A dog was barking somewhere and a voice shouted, "Just a minute!" My own knock rattled around my skull. Billy rolled out the door. He seemed surprised to see me. "Leah, all the way down from Forks, huh? Are you looking for Jake."

"No." I replied. I scratched at the back of my neck. "I actually wanted to talk to you about something."

"Oh." Shock spread across his face. "Sure, come on in." He rolled backwards, opening the door up to me. The house was a little bit messy. Jacob must've been busy around the other guys. I should nag him about it. "Please excuse the mess, I need to have Jake sweep."

"I'll make him." I said lightly. The house was overstimulation. My heache nagged at me more and more. The tv, the barking dog. The sound of the squeaky wheel on the wheelchair. It all made my temples pound harder.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Billy offered, already opening the fridge and grabbing two cans of beer.

"Thanks." I said dryly. I opened it and took a sip to be polite, but I honestly wanted nothing other than coffee right now.

He spun around to look at me. "So what did you want to talk about? Oh—where are my manners, come sit down." He gestured over to the couch, but it felt too comfortable, too casual for the discussion.

"Can we sit at the table?" I asked. Billy nodded, getting my idea. I sat down beside him, my fingers playing with the placemat. He didn't speak first. He just waited patiently. After a minute, I found my words. "Why me?"

His old wrinkled face twisted more with confusion. "Why you?"

"Yeah, why... why did I have to be a werewolf, Billy?" I asked.

He took a deep breath and folded his hands in his lap. "Why not you?"

"Well—" I sputtered. "Why not Emily? Why not any other Rez girl with Quileute heritage? Why is it only me? Why couldn't I... why wasn't it just Seth? Why did it have to be me?"

"I don't know." Billy replied. "You've always been our little anomaly. I don't know why you, I don't know why it wasn't Emily. There's no ancient scroll that says, 'by the way, no Quileute woman can become a wolf'."

"But why am I different? Is there something wrong with me?" Tears were forming in my eyes. I was pleading. I needed someone to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me. I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be alright.

The old man shook his head. "Leah, all I can think is that there must be something special about you as a person, regardless of your gender, that perhaps you're... destined for something."

"That's the whole point, isn't it? To defeat the cold ones? But we're over that. Nothing is coming to Forks. We did it, and the story is over, and I should be done."

"Are you trying to stop phasing?" Billy asked. His tone told me that he was pretending to not be shocked.

"Have been. But it doesn't matter how much self control I have I... I can't. Why can't I? What's even the point? What am I waiting for?" I demanded.

"Imprinting." He said confindently, leaning back into his chair. He folded his hands across his chest. "It's the imprinting, then. Your body is preparing for it."

I felt like my stomach was about to upturn onto the table. "Billy—" my voice whined. He stared at me. I sunk into my seat. "I already did."

"Oh?" His face brightened curiously. "You're distressed about this?"

I was taking shallow breaths and I hadn't even noticed. "Billy, this isn't—this isn't a black and white situation. I didn't just... I didn't just get swept off my feet like Emily did."

"Then what did it feel like?"

In for four... hold for four... out for four... "Scary?" I replied. Billy continued to stare at me as if I was automatically supposed to elaborate on that statement. "Like I said, not a black and white situation. There are... factors in this that are not... conventional."

"Is he, er," Billy squinted. "more on the... silver fox side of the age spectrum?"

I choked, unsure if that was a better or worse answer. "Y-for the sake of argument, what if he... is?"

"Well, that um... that doesn't... um..." He took a long sip. "That doesn't mean anything. I understand the... awkwardness, however. I always theorized... the idea of imprinting was for reproductive purposes... does he have kids from, maybe another marriage?"

"Uh, no." I said. I was really about to try and bullshit my way through this, huh?

"Right." Billy sighed. His cheeks turned pink. "Have you, er, has your... for all intents and purposes, could you... physically have children again?"

"Um—" I shook my head, shrugging awkwardly. "Billy, I'm sorry, I just... I don't think that's exactly going to work out, if you catch my drift."

"I understand." He nodded. "Yes, so... this seems to be changing things. Unless... unless something were to come up and you did get pregnant... I can't think of any other reason for this. In nature, you see imprinting happening for sexual attraction and in nature, sex is for reproduction. I can't picture why this would've happened other than for that, unless you were to raise someone else's children, but even then... even then, it wouldn't make sense for them to not be Quileute children."

I let out a breath. "Okay." I said simply. "Can we just... pretend that this conversation didn't happen?"

Billy nodded. "I'll look more into it, alright?"

"Yeah, just... can we keep this on the down low? I haven't exactly told my mother about all of this." I said.

He made a lip-zipping gesture and smiled. "Take your time. Figure things out for yourself and maybe we can regroup. You're always welcome to come over for dinner!"

Okay, that went worse than anything I could've imagined. Plan B.

My stomach was twisting and turning, acid shooting up to my mouth, but Billy had honestly been no help. I could practically smell the decay from outside the front door. It took me forever to clamber out of my car and drag my feet up the steps.

A figure flittered downstairs to the door and it flew open. A short, smelly vampire girl greeted me. "Hello, Leah!" She have me a big smile. Sharp.

I put on a smile, my entire body stiffening with the stench of the corpse in the doorway. "Hi... Rose—nope, Alice, right?"

"That's me." She chuckled.

"Wait a second, I thought you can't see our futures, how did you see me coming?" I asked, my weight shifted awkwardly.

"Oh, I didn't see you coming." Alice cooed. "Edward heard your thoughts and we heard your car in the driveway."

"Cool." I nodded uncomfortably. I really don't like these people. They seem so nice but with vampires you really never know how much humanity they still have left in those walking shells. It's hard to imagine what dying does to your body, never being able to rest, not having a choice outside of taking the life force from a creature to survive, the idea that even if a nuke got dropped right on top of your head you would survive. "Can I, um, can I come in?"

Their house reminds me a lot of brutalist architecture. It's empty, dark, filled only with the bare essentials. They don't need food or tables or chairs or beds. If they wanted, they could survive in an empty 4x4 room with a computer with enough RAM to mentally stimulate them for the next century and they would be fine. What's even the point? Going to high school over and over again, going to college over and over again, doing a bunch of absolutely nothing for ever until maybe they get their limbs ripped apart.

"You and I seem to have a very different idea of nothing." The ginger vampire at the piano chimed in. He was hitting the same key over and over.

I panicked, pointing a finger gun in his direction. "You must be fun at parties." I whipped back around to Alice who was pouring me a glass of water from the sink. "I was hoping maybe we could talk in private..." I glowered at Edward. "In private." I emphasized again.

He chuckled, closing up the piano. "Alright. I'll go take Nessie for a walk, although, I'm sure whatever you're thinking I've already heard a million times over." He scooped up the girl and zipped away before I could curse him under my breath.

"We can sit at the table." Alice gestured to their people dining table. "Rosalie and Emmett are backpacking around Europe for the next month, and Bella's at her father's. Carlisle and Esme took Jasper out to hunt and be won't bothering us."

I could see the water shaking in my hand out of the corner of my eye. "I know that you can't see my future, and I get that, but I'm desperate for answers that no one has and you're my last resort."

Alice sat down across from me. She pursed her pale lips. "It's alright, Leah, let me see what I can do for you."

I slowly lowered into my chair, trying to think of where to even begin. "So... I... imprinted on someone. And I need some relationship advice."

She was happily intrigued. She flashed her set of deadly teeth. "A soulmate! How exciting!"

I laughed nervously to be polite. "Maybe? I... we just met and... I don't know, I can't figure out my feelings and I—" My voice trailed away.

Alice shook her head slowly. "I understand."

"It just feels so out of control, so... so..."

"Inevitable?"

"Inevitable." I repeated. "Yeah. I don't know... I don't know if we're supposed to be friends or we're supposed to date or if I'm supposed to protect her from something..." I lowered my voice to a tone above a whisper. "Her name is Clara Graves. She's my roommate, and she goes to-"

"Community college." She nodded slowly. "Clara... Clara Graves, brunette, freckles?"

"Blonde." I said. "Not naturally though."

Alice stared at the ceiling thoughtfully. "I've seen her before. Carlisle has treated her for—" She cut herself off. "I—that's a bit... personal. Sorry."

"No, I get it." I shrugged. It was a bit of an intriguing statement, but she probably no more than broke her wrist. None of my business. Nothing to worry about. "She moved here a few years back?"

"Yes, I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember all the chatter about her anyways. Forks is notorious for the gossip." Her lips upturned thoughtfully. Her eyes glazed over and she stared at the wall behind me. I stared down at the fake flowers on the table. God, this place couldn't even feel more like a morgue if it tried.

Alice tilted her head. "Yes, of course..." She was seeing something now that made her forehead crease with wrinkles that were not usually there. "Strange."

"What is it?" I demanded. Did she see Clara hurt? Dead? Something scared her and I needed to know immediately. Her eyebrows folding in and out as she sifted through visions.

She shifted into a different vision. "It's just that... there was a less than one percent chance that you two would've crossed paths... By looking at all of her possibilities, she shouldn't have... the chance that you would've chosen to imprint on her-"

"I didn't choose-"

"Not consciously." Alice quipped. "But it's besides the point... your paths weren't originally meant to cross. It was... luck, fate, even, if you believe in that stuff."

"I don't, but what do you mean?" My fingernails dug into the wood.

Alice didn't reply for a moment. Then, she blinked her glowing amber eyes. If she could get any paler, I could've seen the color flush from her face. She took a deep breath and swallowed the excess venom in her mouth, steadying herself in her chair. "Okay. What can I do for you?"

"What do you mean we weren't supposed to meet?" I asked slowly.

"You simply... weren't." Alice shrugged cluelessly. "I would bet that it had something to do with your father's death, the odd chance that lead you to becoming a shapeshifter, her moving here, choosing that apartment, you choosing to stave off your transformations... it was all a perfect boiling pot for luck. You were in the right place at the right time."

Was I? "Cool, so um, what exactly are the ethics here? Like I'm not crazy, this is definitely kind of weird, right?"

"Weird?" She asked. She sounded offended.

I leaned towards her. "Look, I know you guys do something similar, right? Like you smell someone tasty and next thing you know it's all flower petals and wedding bells. I get it, I really do. But Clara is human. She didn't get a say in this. She didn't get some draw towards me or whatever, it's just... it's one sided and that's not right."

"Is it one sided?" Alice asked. "Do you love her?"

I considered both answers. My conclusion was that no matter what I could've possibly said, I would feel like I'm lying. "I don't know." Alice peered down at me, glaring, her topaz colored eyes radiating guilt into my bones. "If I no, I feel like I'm lying and if I say yes, then I'm a terrible person!" I exclaimed.

Alice sharply inhaled, only out of the necessity of speaking (which she made clear with a disguised grimace), leaning back in her chair. "So you do love her."

I slammed my hand against the wood. I pointed my finger at her. "You're putting words in my mouth, bloodsucker."

She taunted me, smiling. "Leah... you're angry because you're angry at yourself."

"I'm sorry, are you a therapist now?" I shot at her.

"Well, yes, I went to school for it, but my license has expired by now—"

God these people are infuriating. I wasn't about to fight, but the spiders that lived inside my muscles scattered like a crumpling infestion-ridden house, my skin itching like hives. All I could do was make a shouting noise at her. When I stopped, the spiders retreated, but I was winded, confused. "I don't know what to do." I whispered.

"I know." She nodded sympathetically.

"It's not right."

"Says who?"

"It's wrong because she never had a say." I said quietly.

Alice shook her head. "Neither did you, Leah." her hand flinched in a millisecond, like she wanted to reach out and take my hand before recoiling. The niceties were performative and our clashing scents were slowly revolting the other. On a biological level, our bodies were telling us that we should be tearing each other to shreds right about now. This entire conversation was so... human... all of this was so performative. "You said so yourself."

"But it's not... right, Alice." I said.

"The imprinting or the fact that it's a woman?" She pressed.

I began stammering. "This is a moral dilemma no matter who it applies to! I can't live a happy life knowing that someone fell in love with me because some genetic mutation inside of her found the weird genetic mutation inside of me!"

"That's how regular love works, Leah. You find something in someone that you like and it draws you together."

"But not like this! She's going to fall in love with me because I made her do it, whether I force myself to change for her or she changes to fit in with me. Nothing about this is organic." I replied.

"How long have you two known each other? Are the two of you already dating?"

"Like... a little while, but we aren't dating or anything even close to that."

"Then it's organic." Alice reassured. "The two of you weren't kissing and saying I love you the first day you met, so that clearly means that this is something that, imprinting or not, you have to work for."

"I'm just..." I was not about to cry. I stared up at the chalky white ceiling. "I'm worried that if I'm in love with her, she'll... she'll wake up one morning and be in love with me to. That if I come to terms with this, it will manifest it."

"From my understanding of imprinting, I don't think it will." She cooed. "To my understanding, you're the one that becomes whatever she needs. And it sounds like maybe she's the one that needs love right now."

I opened my mouth the say something before she cut me short.

"I think... When I look for Clara and her future, I see this black spot around her—a blind spot. It's you. I can't see anything because you are like a black hole of energy to my visions." Of course I knew what she had meant, but it gave me an intense sense of guilt. Was that all i was? Not even a person, but a black hole that sucks everything into it. I sucked in Sam. I sucked in Dad, and subsequently Mom. Now, I had doomed Clara to getting yanked into the pit. My selfishness was like a magnetic bubble, or a tornado, that dragged people right into my trap.

"What did you see? Anything?"

"It wasn't exactly clear." Alice sighed. "The two of you and your paths will become so intertwined that I can't distinguish her future from yours, and because I can't see yours..."

"So nothing." I repeated.

"Not nothing. I saw... ends. It appears like the two of you are inseparable until death. Given the circumstances, it's always going to be her that dies first."

"How does she die?" I asked warily.

Alice shuffles uncomfortably. "Nothing is set in stone—"

"Alice—" I growled.

"There was an ending where I saw her passing at a very young age, not far off from where she is now."

"How? Where?" I demanded. My heart was racing. No. No, not my Clara.

"I saw her on a surgical table. Some kind of... complication. An accident." Alice confirmed. "There was another of her... she was crumpled in a bathroom floor. But there were good ones too, one where she was elderly. I saw an old woman pass away in a bed in a house. There were other outcomes that were more rare, I wouldn't even consider them possible—"

That didn't ease my mind. "How could she be dying so young? What could possibly happen to her? Is she hurt? Sick?"

Alice's mouth hung open. "I don't know." Her jaw clenched shut.

"Alice, what is it?"

"I couldn't see, I could only see her postmortem, only for a second." She confirmed.

"Then what do I do to prevent that?"

Alice carefully pondered my question. "Open up to her. Talk to her. She needs to know that you're on her side. She needs to know that you're a person she can trust."

"Yes. Okay. Absolutely." I nodded. I was still trying to process the idea of her even dying. Dying? Actual dying? "What—what are the odds of her dying? Right now, what is the chance that she's going to die young?"

Alice swirled numbers around her head, mumbling to herself. "Fifty-fifty. Right now. Fifty-fifty."

Fifty-fifty. That number filled every crevice of my brain. Why was it high? Why was she danger? Was she in danger right this second? What was going on? Why was this happening to her? To me? "It's so... high." I said bluntly.

"Yes, but you can sway it in your favor very easily." She replied. "She needs a friend now more than ever. Running away and denying this will only make things worse." I couldn't even afford to doubt her. Clara can't die. I won't let her.

"Thank you, Alice." I said. I pushed the chair away from the table and stood up. "I'm sorry for taking up your time."

"It's no problem, honestly." She smiled again as if nothing had ever happened.

"Is Carlisle going to be back soon?" I asked curiously. Plan C.

Alice stared up at the ceiling. "Five minutes. Can I get you some water while you wait?"

I could smell the stink multiply throughout the house the moment the others entered. Dr. Cullen seems like a nice guy. The nicest of the bunch, I think. If I had to trust them, it would either be him or Bella, probably. He's the least likely to slaughter a town full of humans and that's a pretty big plus in my book. He was surprised to see me in his his office, perched on the exam table. I guess my smell didn't really bother him in the way it did with the others. He flashed his sharp teeth, but his smile was somehow... warm. It was less threatening. It was strange to imagine though, the idea that his teeth had just drained the blood of a living animal. They were perfectly porcelain, just like his skin.

"Ms. Clearwater, how can I help you today? Are you feeling under the weather?" He asked, scrubbing his hands in the sink.

I rolled up my sweatshirt sleeve to reveal my arm. "I was wondering if you could do a blood test."

His eyebrows creased with concern. "Are you worried about something in particular?" He sat down on his rolling stool.

"Um... yes. Kind of. I thought of it this morning." I said. "You can see hormones in blood, right?"

"What hormones would you like me to test?"

"Estrogen and testosterone. I want to know what my levels are." I insisted. "Please?"

Carlisle hesitated for a second before going to fetch a needle and tubes. No big deal for him to do I guess. He cleaned my elbow and tied a tourniquet. "Are you worried about anything in particular, Leah?"

"I want to know about my muscle mass and stuff." I lied. I couldn't watch him actually draw the blood, yet he was so smooth and gentle, it didn't even hurt that bad.

"Your muscle mass." He repeated, drawing out the needle. He patted the spot with a cotton ball but it had already healed over.

"Carlisle—" I paused. "What do you know about with... um... like, for example, women with high testosterone?"

"It's typically an abnormality. Are you concerned your testosterone is too high?"

"Yes. I'm worried that... I mean, you can tell I'm very muscular. I know that that is caused by the increase. I guess I'm trying to figure out if that's maybe done anything... to my head?"

"Your head?" He asked inquisitively.

"Like... psychologically." I explained. It's so exhausting to just keep outing yourself over and over and over again. "I've read on the internet that—you know, that having too much testosterone in your brain is what makes people... gay... or transsexual... or... I mean, it can just cause other problems too."

Carlisle looked up from what he was working on with my blood at a machine on the other side of the room. "You want me to test your blood to see if you're... gay, or a transsexual? Is that what you're asking?"

"No—I—" I stammered quickly. "I meant-if maybe there was a link between me phasing and my brain-"

"I can promise you, I've done many many studies over the years under pseudonyms. I've dabbled in research all over the place. But this sounds a bit like... and I honestly mean no offense to you, but..." He sighed. "Were you reading about eugenics? Or eugenics studies during the forties and fifties?"

"No, no, no, Dr. Cullen, I just..." I took a shaky breath. "I'm... different. I'm not human and I thought... you know, as a werewolf... do these things affect me differently?"

He returned to the chair beside me. "Tell me, Leah," His eyes stared uncomfortably fixated at mine. Enough to make me lean away from him. "Do you feel like you're a woman?"

"Yes." I said confidently. "I've never felt like a man. I don't think I ever have. To be fair, Doc, it's... it's felt as though I'm... less of a woman than I should be. Like... I'm not good at being a woman since I started phasing... I..." He was listening. It was so refreshing to have someone genuinely listen to me like they wanted to hear what I was saying. "I feel like there's something wrong with me."

"I don't think so." Carlisle said. "But I can still check your vitamins and all."

I sniffled, hiding my face behind my sleeve. "Would I be normal if I never started phasing? Seriously, why is this happening to me?"

Carlisle looked at me sympathetic. "Can I do anything else to help you feel better?"

I swallowed and began rambling. "I... Can you tell me why I imprinted on a woman? Why me? I keep looking for answers, but Billy Black said that all he knows is that it happens so we can have kids and I can't have kids with a woman, and Alice just told me that she could end up dying and I don't know when and I don't know where, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this because I'm afraid and I just... I just want to be able to go to sleep without worrying all the time, and now my head hurts, and that's not normal-"

He tapped his foot thoughtfully. "Did you like women before you imprinted?" I shook my head. He nodded sympathetically. "I bet your headache is simply from stress. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this."

I took a shaky breath. "You... you believe in hell, right? I don't, I'm not Christian."

Carlisle nodded. "I don't think you're going to hell, Leah."

"Why shouldn't I? Doesn't your book say all that stuff about-"

"I have been alive-well, as alive as I can be-since the 1600's. The Bible doesn't say that." He reassured. He reached over and squeezed my hand with his hard, marble hand. "I promise that whatever god or gods are watching over you, they don't think you're a bad person." I didn't expect to cry this heavily in front of a vampire. I didn't expect to receive this much comfort from being so vulnerable in front of one. I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I don't usually cry like this. "Love isn't as easy as getting to pick someone out of a crowd. You might've gotten lucky by having some... higher power point you in the right direction, but it's your job to figure out what this means."