Chapter 4: ... and broken body
Zuko, please, my love, listen to me...
Ursa's soft and soothing voice flows like a lullaby. Like a cocoon, the body is wrapped by warmth and tenderness, and at the same time by omnipotent protection. He wants to never leave that cocoon, listen to that voice, imagine that everything is perfectly fine, but reality suddenly strikes his body like a lightning—Ursa isn't here, it's just a voice. Voice can't help. Voice can't protect from anything. The past can't help the present. Ursa is gone, or even dead. She can't just come and protect him.
Protect him from what? Memory works hard as if clouded by drowsiness. However, consciousness gradually returns. Slowly, very slowly, he begins to understand things, to remember obscure details. It seems that everything happened eternity ago, the images are so vague, blurry, as if it's all just a dream. Zuko still doesn't fully understand if it's reality, his head is heavy like a stone and it hurts terribly. It feels like his head is about to split in half.
Earthbenders... stone sword... fighting... the rain of tears... wait, or was it just a rain? He can't understand, but can clearly imagine Uncle's face when he was humiliated by those benders. They don't understand. They will never understand. They don't know that Zuko is not evil, even if he is from the Fire Nation. Not all of them are that bad. Ozai... is the biggest evil, he's controlling everyone. His father... the person he was used to admire. But now? How can he look at him with the same admiration? After everything he did and what he is possibly going to do? After left him with a permanent scar? He thought all the time that he was worthy of this punishment, that that scar showed how he disrespected his country, his people, and his father. But Ozai just made him think so. The truth was far more painful.
But Uncle always supported him and was always sincere... Even on the day he got his face burned, Iroh was next to him all the time, trying to reduce his suffering. Zuko can still hear his soft voice, gentle hands stroking his hair and face, as he cried with unbearable pain. However, the mental pain back then was even more unbearable. His body was broken into thousands of shards, but so was the soul. He thought he will never gather those shards together again, never return to his normal self, but if it wasn't Uncle, he wouldn't have come out of that mire. Now he has himself, but some shards are still missing and he can't find them anywhere.
And now Zuko finally remembers what happened. After the earthbender drew his stone sword, he saw nothing but felt the rain washing his face and heard his own voice screaming for help.
But his Uncle didn't respond...
He tries to open his eyes, but fails, as if they were glued together. Then he tries to stand up slowly, but a terrible pain pierce his hands and he remains lying down, trying to figure out where he is. And where is Uncle? Maybe they were captured by earthbenders and taken to the Fire Nation? The Prince listens; the wind blows around him, bending the trees, and it means that they can't be in the Fire Nation, they are still in the woods. He's not sure if Uncle is with him though, he can't feel anything lying near him, he only knows that he himself lies in dirt. His body shivers from the cold.
How much time has passed? A day? Or two? Or just a few hours? He can't perceive in time, he can't see it's day or night now, as if someone had turned off the light. As if he had lost his vision or was thrown into a deep pit with no source of light. Despite that, Zuko tries to stand up again, only this time leaning on the ground by his elbows. The bones of his hands broke after the earthbenders pressed them with boulders, and the pain still remains, only slightly decreased.
After the second try, when he fails to get up, he tries again, this time holding his elbows firmly to the ground to prevent them from slipping down, lifts his upper body to turn himself over. When he does, he curls his legs under his belly, putting his calves to the ground, and lifts his upper body again. Now he kneels, but that doesn't improve the situation, he still can't see anything and can't go anywhere with his condition.
"Uncle! Uncle?!" Zuko's voice sounds like a wail in this mad silence, echoes somewhere far away and disappears into the distance. He's all alone. Uncle is not here and it only sows more fear in him. Maybe he's lying dead somewhere... Or maybe escaped... But how? No matter how hard Zuko tries to remember, he fails to restore memories of how he got rid of his enemies, after all, he was about to die. Obscurity plagues him even more, and he never felt so scared... No, he can't succumb to fear, he must to go further and find Iroh. He'll try a little... just a little more and...
Zuko's legs don't move, no matter how much he wants to stand up. They are heavy as if not a part of his body, as if he is trying to lift some other thing. The earthbenders haven't crushed them, he can't feel even the slightest wound, but maybe his body is just too weak to go. He feels hopeless, he can only wait for help, and his mind is gradually filled with anger. How can he just wait for help when Uncle is probably waiting for him? How can he just lie when his life depends on him? How can he be so weak? And the worst part that he decided not to show his firebend when he needed it most, and then it was too late to use it...
Zuko tries to calm his mind and takes a deep breath. He hears nothing for a while but his own inhaling and exhaling, but soon his ears catch some branch crack in the woods. His regular breathing disrupts immediately.
"Who's there?!" He asks, frightened.
"No, don't do anything you'll regret later!" He hears a timid girl's voice behind his back. "I'm not here to hurt you!"
"Who... who are you?" Zuko recognizes that voice deep inside his mind, but his brain tries to reject the thought.
The girl ignores his question and moves closer. "What happened to you? Why are you all alone here?"
Zuko's tense. He doesn't want to remember what happened that night and doesn't want to restore the pain, so he tries to be strong and not to show that his broken hands and the wound he has in his stomach hurts. The wound in his stomach isn't deep, but he still feels it, which prevents him from thinking clearly.
"That's fine, you don't have to tell me, but you need help and I'll save you." Zuko hears that the girl is already close, tries to stand up and go by himself, but falls to the ground, moaning.
"Where do you plan to go in this condition?" She asks. "Although I am blind, I can feel your heartbeat and see your wounds. You shouldn't walk with such a head injury."
"I don't need any help." He hisses through his teeth.
"No, you are wrong. If I leave you here, you'll die."
"Why should you worry about that?"
Zuko can't hear the answer, but soon he feels a hand gently landing on his face, carefully caressing his eyes, nose and lips as if trying to examine every curve of his facade. He's eager to grab that hand, he's angry that someone without permission just touches his scar, but gets restrained and just waits for the hand to pull away.
"They hit you hard." The girl's voice sounds a little troubled. "I know who can help you, but you have to go with me and don't resist."
The Prince thinks for a minute. Does his head make tricks on him or does he really recognize that voice? Can she really be that girl? The day Azula struck Iroh with lightning, she was with the Avatar and his group and helped them to defeat his sister. Even more anger floods his body. How can she just come and say she will help him if she is clearly on the Avatar's side? After all, she should be his deadly enemy. Those who go along with the Avatar and prevent him from catching the boy, all are his enemies. Enemies can't help their enemies, they must hate each other!
"How do you know how many people I fought?" He asks firmly.
"I don't, but you are strong, I can sense it. One person can't do so much harm to you. If we don't hurry, your wounds will get infected, let me lift you out of that dirt."
"I told you, I don't need any help. Leave me alone."
"No, you must to get some treatment." She opposes.
"Not from a peasant like you, Earthbender. I know who you are!"
"I have a name, you know. You can call me Toph. Lucky, I am too good today to beat you up for it. At least, I have a heart, unlike your stone heart, Firebender!"
"Don't act like you don't know my name. They probably told a lot of horrible things about me."
"Are you still talking?"
"YES, I AM."
"I see, you still have enough strength to argue. Maybe you're not as hurt as I thought at first. It probably best if I just go now and forget that I found you here, because it's so easy, right?"
Her voice is full of doubt, but Zuko can hear her steps moving away from him. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't care what she'll do next. He doesn't need his enemies help, he better die. He doesn't know what was on his mind when he prayed for Avatar's help to keep his Uncle safe. He doesn't want that humiliation and anyone's pity...
But suddenly, he hears Toph approaching again, then feels her hands grip him tightly and lift him off the ground. With her hand on his back, she helps him to sit.
"You stupid, you really don't care about yourself?" She laughs nervously.
"You are the one who's stupid." Zuko cuts off. "I can burn your ass to ashes."
"But you won't." Toph is smiling now. "No matter what they say, I feel good in you. You're not bad, you're just lost. You may not admit it now, but you know it yourself."
"You sound exactly the same as my Uncle." Zuko grumbles.
"Is it good or bad?"
"Both." Toph clamps his waist harder and helps him to rise up, but he can't even stand without her hands otherwise he would flop to the ground. His legs still don't obey him as if they were wooden, and he hates it even more.
"Can you walk?" The Earthbender asks. "Your legs doesn't feel to be injured. How long have you been lying here?"
"I don't know." Leaning on Toph, Zuko tries to go. He feels like he's going to throw up, it's so bad, but he has to go. He hates that someone helps him, that treats him like a child. So what that he feels bad? That he is hurt? After all, he's a man, and he wants to be treated like a man. Nobody but Uncle helped him before and that was more than enough.
But if he doesn't want to die for real, he must forget his pride, he knows that deep down inside, though it's very difficult to do so. Maybe he simply doesn't believe that anyone without his Uncle wants to help him. So many years have passed since his mother disappeared somewhere, when he was left without anything. In the last few years, everyone has betrayed him and hurt him, even the ones he loved, so now he has trouble believing in good and he doesn't want to be attached and get disappointed again. But it's too difficult for him to think about it now, his body is broken, full of wounds, just as his soul, destroyed and weak. But how is it possible to live with destroyed body and soul? How did he manage to survive for so long?
Isn't it because he still wants to live, but tries to fool himself that he doesn't?
"Are you... scared of me?" Zuko's voice sounds uncomfortable after a long silence.
"What?" Toph places his hand over her shoulder and they slowly move forward. Each step sacrifices more and more strength, but the Prince tries to pretend that it's not that bad.
"I can feel it. Your voice is nervous... you are scared of me... because I am a Firebender?"
"No. Why did you assumed this?" She laughs, her voice sounds like tiny chimes, moving along with the light wind. He wants to scream because he thinks that not only Toph herself but her voice is also helping him. He somehow likes that laugh, it calms his nerves and he can't build his strength to resist. Why did he deserve her help? Or maybe it's a curse? After all, she'll take him to the Avatar and his friends, who won't be overjoyed to see him. He will probably have to flee without getting any treatment.
Toph feels his strength slowly drying out, no matter how strong he is, and she tries her best to make it as easy as possible for him to go and carry most of his weight. Zuko feels it and he is embarrassed, he tries to go by himself as much as he can. She's still a little girl, much smaller than him, so his legs slip with each step and half-drag on the ground. Until he loses his strength completely and his body gets limp.
He's still conscious though, but he wants to fall asleep so he doesn't have to feel humiliated. But is it really humiliation? His brain begins to doubt. He never asked for help, this girl decided to help him herself. She doesn't pay attention who he is, that he now looks like a vagrant and a scoundrel, she doesn't mock him as the earthbenders did. She is as caring as his Uncle, trying to see only the good in him, and ignoring the bad for some reasons. Maybe because that good part is bigger than the bad one and his whole body is drowned in obscurity and pain, because his father wants the bad part to grow bigger.
Uncle... Zuko miss him so much that it hurts. He imagines that it's him who carries him away from all the problems, from the pain. And tries to hold back the tears in his eyes.
Why does everything have to be so difficult?
To be continued...
