Chapter 8: sadness and sorrow
"OH NO, HE'S GONE!" Toph screams at the top of her lungs. Soon after, everyone gathers in the room.
"How did this happen?" Katara shakes her head in disbelieve. "How didn't you feel him coming out?"
"I can feel vibrations harder on these stupid wooden floors!" The girl is trying to justify. "And I didn't think I had to try, you said he is weak and can't walk!"
"Yes, he is! But that doesn't mean you have to let your guard down!"
"So, you blame me that he's gone?!"
"Stop, both of you!" Sokka yells. "If he is weak, he can't go far. We can still find him."
"It's nobody's fault." Aang declares. "Toph, can you go outside and find where he is?"
"Sure thing!" Toph stomps out of the hallway, to the door, and soon finds herself in the yard. There's a porch with a roof that protects her from the rain, but she has to come off that wood to feel the vibrations better with her Seismic Sense. As soon as her bare feet touch the muddy ground, she concentrates and stands still for a moment, as if trying to listen. Heavy rain falls on her head and clothes, and soon she is soaked through.
"He is on the other side of the house!" She screams as she turns around and runs through the dirt that splashes in all directions. Her friends who had previously stood quietly on the porch and allowed her to do her job, run after her. Soon, turning behing another corner, Toph finally stops, her unseeing eyes facing the horizon. Her friends stop at her, covering their eyes from the rain and trying to see something in front.
Katara brushes her wet strands of hair off her face and leans back. Zuko stands with his head raised to the sky, with his eyes closed, letting the rain to wash his face. He isn't moving, probably doesn't even hear them. Although he looks calm, Katara can tell that he is very weak, that it's difficult for him to stand on his feet, but he still stands. "ZUKO?!" She yells, but there is more concern in her voice than anger.
He twitches, but remains standing with his head raised and his eyes closed. The girl finds the strength in herself to go closer to him. "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!" She yells again. "You just woke up from coma! You have no idea how bad your condition is?! I was barely able to break your fever down, and you're just standing in the rain?! Go inside!" She stops for a moment to catch her breath. "UNGRATEFUL ROOSTER-PIG!"
"Katara, I don't think you should..." Aang intervenes.
The Waterbender looks at him for a moment, then turns her gaze back to Zuko. He stands with his head tilted toward her, this time his eyes are open, but they are looking as if through her, as if somewhere else, much farther than human eye can see. They look as if dead, empty; no pain, no joy, no emotion at all. Her body shivers from a terrible overflowing sensation. No, a dreadful one, she never felt like this before.
I hate water, I am a man of fire...
Katara freezes in horror, remembering. What is it? Some kind of self-torture? At that moment, her eyes slip down Zuko's face, and lower, and lower, until it finally stops at his hands. His squeezed fists tremble like the aspen leaves, bandages are now wet and torn, blood flows through his fingers and drips to the ground. A lot of blood. It takes a second more for her to realize that the bandages aren't simply torn–there is still smoke from the scorch edges left from the fire that had just been put out by the rain.
"Wait, did you try to bend fire?" Katara whispers and after a second her voice fills with anger. "Do you understand how dangerous it is?! You could have killed yourself or even worse!"
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!" Zuko's rageful voice forces her to step back. She thinks he is going to attack, vent all his anger on her, hurt her in return for healing him, but no, he restrains himself, he can't raise his hand against the girl who's just worried about him. He looks into her frightened eyes and just can't do it. His head is throbbing, and aching, and spinning... And he loses consciousness as soon as his head hits the ground.
"Zuko?" He wakes up after a few minutes when he is already in the room. Katara is quickly pulling wet clothes from him. His vision is still blurry, he opens his eyes, closes them again, but he is uncomfortable when clothes slip off his body. Though he is a Prince, no one ever dresses and undresses him to bare skin. Something familiar flashes in his memory, he is disgusted that he is touched by other hands, feels dirty, dirtier than ever, but fails to do anything. And eventually he finds himself without his clothes; exposed, defensless, vulnerable...
"Aang!" Katara commands. "Light a fire and dry his clothes! Sokka, bring me towels and some new bandages, Toph, take my healing water from our room! Zuko? Good, you woke up, I need you to sit. Can you do it?"
When friends scatter in all directions to do their tasks, the Waterbender puts her hand under the boy's back and helps him to sit. Zuko trembles terribly, she puts a fluffy blanket on his shoulders and begins to untie torn bandages from his hands. Sokka then returns to her with towels and throws one on Zuko's head. "I still can't believe we have to take care of... him."
"Shut up and dry his hair, it's not the time to talk about it." Katara removes the last remnants of the bandages and reaches for her water pouch which Toph gives to her. Sokka rubs Zuko's head as careful as possoble. When he stops, Katara opens her pouch, and the glowing healing water covers her hands like thick gloves. "Hold on, Zuko, it might sting a little."
She doesn't expect any response, but he nods. And she gives in her job. Her hands lift gently, fingers wrap around his wounded one, and begin to heal slowly. The burns are slowly fading, but she can't heal the broken bones and she is troubled by the thought that Zuko might be careless and hurt himself again. Her eyes are focused on the work she does, but she clearly knows that Zuko is looking at her. She waits for him to show that it hurts, but he doesn't, even though she knows well that it hurts. He twitched only once, he wanted to be strong, not to show his tears, not to show his shame. He is a Prince, how could he sink so low?
"Okay, I did everything I could, the other one." Katara heals his other hand in the same way, wraps them both with bandages and lowers Zuko back on the pillow.
"Thank you." He whispers softly.
Katara's lips first open in surprise, then curl into a small smile. He will be fine. He should be.
But not as fast as she imagined...
Zuko spent a few days pretty much sleeping. Sometimes it seemed to her that he wasn't always asleep, that he heard clearly what they were talking about, but she wasn't sure. He barely spoke, only when he had to ask her to lead him to the bathroom. They sat by his bed by turns, not wanting to miss a second, so that he wouldn't come out again. Although he didn't seem to be planning on leaving, he was just lying motionless. Something heavy pressed on his heart. Katara not only sensed it, but knew at the same time. Once she caught him crying, but he turned away, hiding. She tried to talk to him, but it was all in vain. Zuko refused to eat, sometimes he took a spoon in his mouth, but most of the time all the food came out of his stomach. Karata fed him with herbs until he regained his appetite, but he still ate so little. He was weak, skinny, with black circles under his eyes.
The rain didn't stop completely. In the days when the sun was shining for a short time and the ground was drying up only to get watered again later, Aang was learning earthbending with Toph, but thoughts of Zuko kept returning in his head. He didn't know what had happened, but sensed that something very horrible. Zuko looked strong all the time, not enough, but not like the one who could fall apart after defeat. He kept trying again and again, never giving up, no matter how hard it was to track down his enemy. But now he looked completely defeated. As if dead inside. Aang had a hard time concentrating on his workouts, but he tried his best. Toph also seemed distracted, kept thinking about something else, and he could clearly predict what it was. Sometimes they talked about it, Aang told about Zuko as if he were a completely different person and Toph wondered how could he turn into an empty shell, how an angry Prince could have fallen so low. At sunset, after a workout, she sat on a rock, pondering alone.
Sokka tried to help them as much as he could, although he felt it wasn't enough. While Toph was training Aang, he helped his sister around the house, hunt animals for their meals or went out into the yard to improve his boomerang skills. Making slick sweeps, the young man couldn't forget the image in the room: Zuko lies in bed, slowly losing his desire to live, Katara speaks loving words and tries to reassure him that everything will be alright, that he will emerge from the torment in which he is trapped in. Sometimes he thought that she was trying harder than she should, he saw tears in her eyes when Zuko refused to speak, when he refused to eat her most delicious stew. If Sokka had known that everything will be alright, he would have joked that he would eat that stew for him, but the situation wasn't so funny to make a joke. He even began to think it's pointless to try healing Zuko's suffering, that he was already too far from reality, but Sokka didn't want to hurt his sister, he didn't want her to lose hope.
And another week passed...
Katara now feels a little better. She sees small changes, how Zuko sometimes smiles, especially when she brings him tea (the only liquid he drinks without hesitation), when she encourages him, when helps him to wash up and does other small things for him. He still barely speaks, so in this way he expresses his gratitude. He wants to know that he is not a monster, that he has good in him. Katara now can leave him in the room alone sometimes, without any worries–he convinced he won't run, he has nowhere else to stay.
"Something's wrong here." Katara says as she closes the door and walks to her friends in the hallway.
"No kidding!" Toph snarls, blowing strands of hair from her face.
"No, that's not what I had in mind. Something happened. Something terrible made him like this. Someone hurt him, but I don't think he's acting like this just because of it."
"Maybe he is grieving?"
"What do you mean?"
"Remember the last time we met him? He was with his Uncle and his Sister struck him with lightning, right? I know what I said before, I don't even want to think about it, but maybe I was wrong and he... died?"
"That doesn't answer the question why you found Zuko barely alive in the woods. You yourself convinced us that he couldn't hurt himself." Aang remembers.
"Because he didn't." Toph assures again. "Katara, you spend most of your time with him, maybe he told you something? Any hints?"
"I tried to ask him, but he said he remembers just a little."
"Or he is lying. I can ask him and then we'll know."
"No, it's too early." The girl grabs her by the arm as if trying to stop her, though Toph isn't moving at all. "I do my best to make him comfortable around us. He's still uncomfortable, he has to decide for himself when he's ready to talk. Be patient Toph, I'll tell you the time."
"Okay." She agrees with a sigh. "But you yourself aren't completely open with us. Last time I asked what you were hiding from us, you said it doesn't matter for now. When do you think it will matter?"
Katara stays silent for a while, bitting her lower lip. She remembers the day she felt disgusted from the thought she'll have to take care of Zuko's wounds and wanted to kill him secretly, and then she regretted it.
"Zuko asked me to murder him. He wanted to die." She finally says in a shaky voice. "That's why I think there's something more than a grief. He wanted to... he tried... and I couldn't... but I tried to think about it... that it might be better for us if he stops chasing us... I felt guilty... I'm not a murderer, you know that, Aang? I'm so, so sorry, I was so selfish, I didn't have to think about it!"
Her voice breaks more and more with every word, she can't hide it any longer, her shoulders twitch, she covers her face with her hands and shakes her head, embarrassed of herself.
"Everything's alright. You held it in for too long." Aang gently catches her wrists and pulls her closer. "We're all in dark places sometimes, but it doesn't mean we can't get out."
He hugs her softly, and she sobs on his shoulder. It's the warmest hug in the world. Toph and Sokka are standing speechless. They can hear raindrops falling on the roof. At first there are just a few of them and they fall slowly, then they increase and fall faster and faster...
To be continued...
AN: Hello, my dear readers! I just want to say that I'm really proud of this chapter, it's a little different... I guess? It actually made me tearbend for Zuko and Katara, because she's trying to do everything for him, but it doesn't work. And I originally planned to write this story differently, but oh, well...
Anyway, Zuko has a hard time recovering from what he suffered, Katara thinks there's another reason, because he can't be so traumatized just because he was separated from Iroh and was hurt by the earthbenders. Yes, I know it would be weird if there was no reason... but I have an idea, maybe they did something more? But I'm not sure yet... If you have any ideas why Zuko is acting like this, please let me know, I'd love to hear your thoughts!
And again, English isn't my first language, I'm sorry if I screwed up somewhere, but I hope you understand me. Please, please don't roast me for my grammar. Thank you!
