Chapter 10: monsters don't cry
We're all in dark places sometimes, but it doesn't mean we can't get out...
Katara sits by Zuko's bed and thinks about the words Aang said. If it's true, Zuko should get out of that dark place. Sooner or later. One way or another. He must to escape, he doesn't deserve to suffer. Not like this.
The girl puts her hand on Zuko's forehead, trying not to touch his scar, but suddenly withdraws when he opens his eyes. "Oh, I thought you were sleeping, I just wanted to check on your temperature."
"I'm fine." He murmurs in a stolid voice. "You shouldn't worry about me."
"I shouldn't? Do you remember the day you asked me to..." But she shuts her mouth unfinished, she can't just shove in his face everything that is on the tip of her tongue, he's still not ready to talk about what happened that night. She doesn't want to force him, she doesn't want him to suffer more.
"I know you have a lot of questions, but you're wrong if you think I'm going to tell you."
"You do remember, don't you?"
"Not everything. A few parts seem to have disappeared from my memory, but sometimes..." He sits up and looks at her with his still empty eyes. "Sometimes the episodes appear in my head and I don't know if it's real or not. All I know is that it eats me from the inside."
Katara stays silent for a while. She is glad that he is talking to her little by little, that he is not trying to hold all his pain inside, although he says anything clear about the accident. But it's a progress. Very slow, but still a progress. She smiles lovingly, he tries too, but his lips squeeze only a miserable, forced smile, followed by tears in his eyes, which he tries his best to hold. But this time he cries in gratitude, in gratitude that she believes in him. No one had ever believed before. He was a loser in his Father's eyes. A banished Prince. With no home. Without fame.
Except his Uncle... He always believed that Zuko could do more than his Father or Azula. That he could do good, majestic, glorious things. And now, there is the girl next to him, the girl he chased around the world to capture her friend, and she acts as if nothing had happened. She smiles as if he is her friend. Her smile is so dear and innocent. He should be angry at her that she cares about her enemy. But he is not. He can only be angry at himself for being so blind.
With a slow movement, Zuko raises his bandaged hand, leans closer to Katara, who is still kneeling at his bed, and without hesitation puts his palm on her necklace. She gasps in amazement, she doesn't know what to say. "I'm sorry." He whispers softly.
"For what?" She blinks and gently pulls his hand away.
"I didn't steal it." The boy can't take his eyes off the ornament. "I just found it on the deck. You probably lost it."
"It doesn't matter now."
"I still used it to track the Avatar. I mean... Aang."
"This necklace is a gift from my Mother." Katara puts her hand on the adornment, her fingers strongly squeezes the Water Tribe symbol. "It's very dear to me. I guess, I should return your knife, you mentioned it's a gift from your Uncle, didn't you?" She gets up from the floor. "I'm sorry I didn't give it before, I was afraid you might hurt yourself, but you're feeling a little better now, right?"
Zuko doesn't answer, but she's already walking to the door. He looks at her with an interested look, his eyes doesn't look so empty and this time his lips curl into an unforced smile. But it only takes a moment, Katara comes back with a knife in her hands, brings it to Zuko and kneels to the bed again. The boy is trying to take the knife, but he is still not sure if he will be able to grip it firmly, his hands are still unhealed. But he still tries. At first hesitantly, then he grips the knife handle and lifts it to his face.
"Good! You can already use your hands." Katara praises him like a baby who has just learned how to hold things. "But you still have to be careful."
Zuko's face heats up. He is ashamed that she treats him like a child, but he can't argue with her. He holds that knife and tries to remember when he put it in his pocket, if he had known, he would have cut those earthbenders throats before they got lucky to crush his hands and hurt his Uncle. But now it's too late, anger rises inside him, and Katara understands it from the expression on his face. "What are you thinking about?" She asks timidly.
"Thanks for returning my knife." He slowly removes the knife from its sheath, as if to check if it's really his knife. Something is written on the blade, but the Waterbender can't manage to read it, the knife is quickly hidden in the sheath again and then in the pocket. "Can we go outside now?"
"You want to go outside?" Katara's eyes grow bigger in amazement.
"Yeah, it's not raining today. I spent inside for too long, it would be good for me to get some fresh air." He takes off the blanket and slowly rises, but staggers a little, so Katara holds him by the waist and helps him walk.
"You know, you'd recover faster if you eat more." She notes.
"I don't want to."
"Come on, Zuko, I don't ask you much, you have to eat at least a little more."
"Okay." He sighs, giving up. "I'll try."
Katara smiles as she helps him cross the hallway. "I'll accompany you outside, and then I'll make you tea and bring you something to eat, okay?"
Tea... it sounds like a blessing to Zuko's ears. By drinking tea, he always remembers his Uncle, the way he can't start the morning without a steaming cup in his hands. Zuko initially hated to join to such a pointless ritual, instead he wanted to train or meditate. But after living at sea for three years, he had to get used to Uncle's habits, now he even misses those tea rituals. Also, he could admit that he quite liked to sit together and just talk to Uncle. He didn't force Zuko to join every time he drank tea, usually in the morning, but now he would do anything, everything to join him more often.
Finally, they walk out from the front door. Zuko sits down on a wooden porch and puts his feet under his nates, and Katara goes back inside. After making tea and taking the last meatballs out of the pot, she returns to Zuko. He sits with a knife in his hand, sobbing, large tears run down his cheeks. "Zuko?!"
He turns to her as if frightened, his eyes widen and he drops the knife aside.
"It's alright, you can talk to me, I won't tell anyone." The girl approaches, sits down next to him and puts the tray with food down. "I know it's hard for you. It's your Uncle, isn't it?"
"He is not with me..." He says in such a pitiful voice she has never heard before, his shoulders shaking. He looks like a lost child. And he still is, Katara knows perfectly well. Being in such a war-torn world, she forgot that she is a child herself, she longed for her Father's love, she wanted to see him at any cost, feared for his life, didn't want to lose him just as she lost her Mother. Now, while her Father is at war, she has to take care of herself and help her friends. She was never alone, it gave her more hope, but Zuko doesn't seem to have anyone else to support him. His Father banished him from the Fire Nation and he can't return without the Avatar, and his Sister is constantly trying to kill him. It hurt her just thinking about it. Still... it's his family, it must hurt him even more.
"I know, Zuko, I know, but you have to be strong." She tries to comfort him. "Remember the first time we met? You were so brave... and powerful. You were different! You were a fighter!"
"How dare you to say that?! You don't know anything about me!" He screams unexpectedly. "Maybe I was strong, maybe I could throw fire in front of your face and PRETEND I'm PROUD when you're scared of me, but it wasn't me! It was never me!"
Katara sits for a minute in shock, not knowing what to say, frustrated. His voice is full of rage, but her hand slowly reaches for him. "Yes, maybe I don't know anything about you, but I'm still trying to help. I'm still trying to make you believe."
"I know, but I'm just a burden to you. You could just... go away from me and do your own bussiness. It's worthless to help, you must hate me..."
"It doesn't matter that you were our enemy. If you don't want to befriend Aang, it's fine, but you're my friend. Friends don't leave each other behind."
"I still hate it! I hate the way you help me, because I should be grateful to you! No, I AM grateful to you! More than you could ever imagine, but not enough to pay for everything I have done to you. I'm not worthy of your help..."
"No, Zuko, you don't understand. I don't care what you've done in the past, if you're sorry for everything, that's all I need. I'm not a monster and I know you're not either. Monsters don't care about people. Monsters don't cry."
Zuko sits without saying anything, his cheeks are wet from tears, he doesn't look at Katara, but feels her hand landing on his shoulder, gently stroking, soothing. She is hurt that he doesn't want to talk about his troubles more, he feels it, but he still can't. Not now. Not at the time like this.
"Look, I'm sorry I talked about things I don't know." Finally, she says.
"I'm sorry too."
"It's fine. I don't force you to talk if you don't want to. But you can do it when you feel you need to." Katara lifts a cup from the tray, draws herself closer and gives it to Zuko. Only when his palms cups the cup, she releases it. "You can eat now, Sokka loves my meatballs, I hope you will enjoy them too. But you have to eat them all, deal?"
The girl takes a bowl, puts it on her thighs and with two chopsticks catches a meatball in buttery sauce, then leads it to his mouth. Zuko rolls his eyes out of annoyance, but he can't resist. One by one, and the meatballs gradually disappear from the bowl. Katara notices that this time he ate the food without any effort or prompting. "Do you like it?"
Zuko nods. "But your tea tastes pretty awful."
Katara stays silent for a few seconds. "Well, at least you are honest. Aang says it's delicious."
"Maybe he never had a chance to drink royal tea?"
"You really like tea, don't you?"
"It always reminds me of my Uncle. He can make the tastiest tea in the world."
Katara wants to ask where his Uncle now, but waits for him to say something himself. They sit in silence for a while and enjoy the mountain view in front of them. The sun hangs above the horizon and illuminates the surrounding area, but it looks kind of lifeless, not warming as much as it should. It reminds Katara of Zuko's golden eyes; the same emptiness, the same missing spark.
"MAAAN, did you see that?" Sokka comes out from the right side of the house with some animal on his shoulder. "It will probably be a horrifying storm soon! Have you seen those blackened clouds approaching us? Zuko?" He looks at him for a second. "I see, you had a good time here while I was hunting."
"We sure did." Katara smiles and rises from the porch floor. "And what did you hunt this time?"
"Big catch, I'd say." Sokka drops a heavy load of meat on the ground and sits down to rest.
"Are you sure we can eat it?" Katara takes a stick and pokes the creature.
"Why not?" He raises his eyebrow. "It's a giant meatball! It couldn't be better!"
"I can't recognize this animal."
"Come on, of course you can't, it's the Earth Kingdom, such animals don't live in the cold places like the Water Tribe! Also, it's dead anyway, can you gut it out and make a good quality steak or something?"
"Sure, why not?"
"Great! You're the best sister in the world! By the way, haven't Toph and Aang returned from their workout yet?"
"No. They went further behind those mountains, there are more boulders to practice, Toph said they will need a lot of space because she will train Aang something special today and he doesn't want to destroy the forest."
"Oh, okay. They'd better get back faster." Sokka looks troubled at the sky, then his eyes slide down the horizon and he sees two figures approaching from afar. "Aang! Toph!" He waves at them.
Toph and Aang quickly reach the house. The Earthbender flops on the porch floor so hard that the wooden planks almost hop out of their places, forcing Zuko to stir.
"Will that rain ever stop?" She asks a little angrily. "It rains almost all the time after I dragged Sparky here. Does it have anything to do with him?"
"It's a curse!" Sokka shouts, pretending he's panicking. "We take the enemy to us, so the Spirits punish us for it!"
"Sokka, Spirits don't do that." Katara crosses her arms on her chest. "Besides, Zuko isn't our enemy anymore."
"Yeah, yet. Are you sure he won't attack us?"
"We talked about this, you know he's not a heartless monster." The sister assures him. "And you know, he's not deaf, he can hear you."
"Yeah, chill out, I'm just joking!" He sighs and picks up an unrecognizable animal. "We have to go inside now, I'm freezing. We need to be prepared for the storm."
Sokka goes inside, and Katara goes after him as well. Toph gets up and Aang waits another minute, then walks to the door, but stops and looks at Zuko, who is still sitting in his place. "Are you going in?"
"I'll stay a little longer... need some fresh air. Don't worry about me." He smiles briefly, with no life in his eyes. The young monk's face looks unsettling a bit, but he closes the door behind him. If Katara can leave him alone, then she knows what she's doing and there is nothing to worry about, right?
"So, Aang, how was your workout today?" Katara asks.
"It's amazing! I never imagined I could do so much with earthbending. I can dig tunnels now like a badger-mole! I can destroy rocky walls and also build huge walls from the ground by myself and..."
"Don't get cocky." Toph smirks. "You're still a newbie."
"Great! Just try not to scoop a hole under my feet!" Sokka interrupts.
Aang follows Katara into the kitchen. "And how is Zuko doing?"
"Are you worried I left him alone? It's fine, he's a little better, just needs some time for himself." She says in a calm voice and looks in her bag for a knife to chop the food for lunch. "Still not very open though. It's hard for him, but let him think things through. When he realizes we're his friends, he'll loosen up. Or he should."
"I really hope that is exactly what will happen."
After a short conversation, the boy leaves the kitchen, not wanting to distract her from her work. Katara finally pulls out a knife. When the meat is ready, she cuts vegetables she bought at the market in the early morning (before Toph and Aang had gone out to train so Zuko wouldn't be left completely alone). Working around, she keeps glancing at the window. The sky gradually darkens, the clouds completely covers the sun, and large raindrops soon begin to fall. However, Zuko still doesn't show up and she decides it's about time to call him before he catches a cold.
Katara takes off her apron and walks down the hallway. When she opens the front door, a clear view appears in front of her eyes, a view that she will never forget. Zuko is still in a sitting position, but this time there is something wrong. His eyes are tightly closed, his head slightly raised, both hands trembling, squeezing the knife handle, and the tip of the blade pointed directly at his neck. The girl's eyes widen in horror as she realizes. At that time, Zuko's hands are already leaning closer to his neck.
"ZUKO, NO!" She screams. Everything happens in a second. With a wide swing, she forms a large icicle out of the water and throws it towards Zuko. It hits right into the blade and throws it out of the boy's hands. Only a painfull scream comes out of Zuko's mouth and he falls on the ground, hard. The icicle turns into water again and spreads out in all directions like an exploding bomb until it falls on Zuko, soaking him wet.
"Katara, what's going on here?!" She hears Aang's voice and soon the boy appears in the doorway. Sokka and Toph comes after him. They stand speechless, looking at Zuko. Katara is still in a fighting stance without understanding what scares them so much. With a slow motion, she turns her head to Zuko and freezes in shock. He lies on the floor, breathing heavily, his eyes wide in horror. Or maybe more... in pain. And Katara immediately understands. She was careless, her icicle hit the knife, but at the same time it hit Zuko's bandaged hand too. That hand now lies helplessly as a bloody mess. The girl can't believe what she did. So many times using water for healing, she almost forgot that water can hurt people too. Painfully...
To be continued...
AN: Thank you for your theory, A. JayLin! I actually had a crazier idea in my mind, but the main reason Zuko acts the way he does is indeed Iroh. He doesn't know if Iroh is alive, and he wants to find him, even if he's dead. But he can't go anywhere because his condition is too bad, and the longer he's with the GAang, the more he thinks Iroh is dead (otherwise Iroh would have found him already, because he tracked Zuko pretty well before, when Zuko left him and wandered alone).
And now Zuko is even more emotionally tortured because he thinks he's all alone. At the end of this chapter, he even tries to stab himself with his Uncle's knife, that says "never give up without a fight". But he gives up anyway, which means he doesn't care anymore, there's no one who can support him, except Katara now, but he lets her in hardly. And she kinda misunderstands him and makes a big mistake thinking he's a little better, he's just trying to be nice and smile ONLY in gratitude, in fact his condition isn't any better.
I'm sorry I wrote everything down here, but I thought my explanation may help other readers understand my story better. Thank you for reading!
